Sparkatale

Oh my god. The ending to that chapter was a punch. I really like this book because of the Final Fantasy meets Hunger Games aspect. Its awesome!! I love first person novels because you can really assess the personalities of the MC and I feel Ekaitz is pretty chill and relatable. I like his nervous tick, I do that a lot as well. 

A few things though; there are mistakes throughout, nothing major but little typos you probably missed when editing. (I do it all the time dw lmao)

I didn't really like how you just started explaining random things? I disrupted the flow of the chapter slightly and was quite awkwardly placed. Maybe writing a prelude to explain the world and the order of things since the Sphere of Life explosion? Just so the focus can really be on Ekaitz and his thoughts/feelings/emotions during the ordeal. The flashback as well was pretty awkward to read through. I would suggest a heated exchange, it gets the message across more effectively and gives the MC more substance to see him react in various ways. Just a suggestion though, it may suit 99% other people and I'm just that 1% lmao :L 

The concept I really like and its different than 'Gifted'. Reading it, I just imagined Ekaitz telling me it, which was quite cool. I really want to know what happens next now :D 

Hey, Rory, thanks for the feedback! As you can see, I took you advice into consideration and as such have made the obvious changes. :D I hope you continue to like the story. 

Love it! Her name is super cool and the story sounds magnificent. I love how it explains how the Earth split into different continents and countries.

Hey, Ernie, thanks a lot! Just want to say, though I realise that I probably didn't make it obvious, Ekaitz is a guy XD 

No problemo! Yeah, I know, I just accidentally wrote her instead of him. Whoops XD

Lmao, I've done that too. So embarrassing! XD also, I'm reading your book now, it looks good so far!

Thanks! I hope you enjoy it :)

An interesting chapter! You've painted a wonderfully rich history with great exposition. The fantasy aspect is always a plus for me. Having magic mixed with the politics of kingdoms in turmoil is always classic. I love how the sphere is so closely knitted to the world. Was the world on large mass of land before the world shattered? It reminds me of Pangaea.

Really great beginning and entertaining to read. I got a sense that this was perhaps heavily influenced by the game Dragon Age, Even if you haven't checked it out, there are still many parallels I can find here. 

There are only a few things I can point out, easily remedied by editing. 

- "They range from the simplicities of mathematical equations to the complexity of politics, for an example"  Something about the structure of this sentence doesn't sit right with me. Perhaps the last bit (for an example) is what made it seem so fragmented. 

Your sentences seemed really long winded at times. Example: 

"And so, I have endeavoured to record an accurate version of my own misadventures through the years, because despite my best interests, my actions played a rather large role in events from the year 1605, the year I turned eighteen, onwards, a majority of which were not happy events, though they were necessary." 

This is a whole paragraph made into one sentence. I'd suggest utilizing the semicolon, it works wonders. And if not, periods work just as well.

- Unnecessary words were used to fill in the blanks. Example: 

"In the years before that of 1307.."  This can be made to "The years before 1307 was full of magic" or something to that effect. I've done the same, and editing my work I've found that simple is best. I'm sure if you sit down and give yourself time to do the same you'll advance to a much further level than you already are now.

This is just something that confused me (possible because I'm slow at times). When you introduced Lysias, you referred to him as "The Renewer" (which is a really cool title by the way), whereas when you introduced his brother you gave his name right away. 

You seem to use two conjunctions at the beginning of your sentences a couple of times: 

- "But, though Lysias was defeated.."

- "But, however much the skills.."

There was also the line: "A vow that forbid every and any warden.."  I'm not sure if you meant to write forbids or forbade. 

Lastly, for all the exposition given, I'm still not sure what the Whiles is. Is this a physical realm where people go when they die? Is it similar to Erebus in Greek mythology? 

Those were only minor things, the rest was great to read. Its a really fun story, can't wait to see who this Ekaitz Daijon is and what he's about. I'm also very excited to read more about the Wardens and what they stand for.

Great start, keep at it. 

Cheers!

Hey, EMI, thanks a bunch for the advice. All of your points are entirely valid, and though I am still working through what I will and won't explain through the chapters, I will definitely take your words to heart :)

I haven't played but DA I can see what you mean a little bit, funny that way XD 

I do intend to do quite a bit of editing at a later date, but at the moment I'm just trying to get this out on paper, or in a document at least, as it has been sitting in my head trying to figure itself out for a few years now, and has had many births and rebirths. XD

Hey, Riarb, thanks for the comment. 

As it happens, I have had a long discussion with my co-author (aka my sister) and she has given me a few points to think on and also inspired some new thoughts, so for just a couple of days, this work is PENDING FURTHER THOUGHT!

Hey, I read the previous chapter again and it was awesome! So much more fluent and less disjointed, it felt way more honest and realistic. I really liked it well done. 

I liked this chapter as well, I really loved the detail of the chapter. I'm a stickler for detail ahah. You mentioned other races (Half-ling) and some other countries (Xlan) and it makes the world seem more believable, that is has more substance and depth. I like the use of racial bias, it creates more conflict and again adds to the sense of depth for Kainnon and its history. Why do they dislike Half-lings? Why are they 'Half'? If they're half and disliked that must been there's been some interracial mixing? Is that forbidden? If so, why? Is there a Half-ling Rights Movement or something similar? Answering these sorts of questions can give a more in depth understanding of your novel and world and creates small conflicts and ripples that can play as major plot devices. I, personally, love all of this ahaha :L 

Then, Zyler mentions Ekaitz eyes and how it isn't for those truly born of Kainnon. That's captivated my interest now. Could Zyler and Ekaitz be half-brothers. That would be sweet. 

One thing though, Zyler appears to be incredibly well educated. Was he given an education? Because it's very well written from his perspective. If he was a forger and a half-ling, then he would probably use incorrect grammar and speak more colloquially. Maybe he was educated privately but despite this and because of racial bias, he couldn't use his education to reach more ambitious heights than forge master? I just have so many questions cause I'm so curious

Over all, this was an incredibly interesting chapter that raised a lot of questions and I will read on to see if I can have them answered. 

HIA. 

I have just finished reading the fourth chapter of this work, and I must say it has captivated my interest. Your backstory is quite intriguing, and I like the way the seperate  countries are developed from the Shattering. 

The first three chapters were amazing, in my mind, but the fourth seemed just a tiny bit rushed. When it opened to Ekaitz sparring with the other one, Darik, I kind of expected more from that scene, but then we rushed straight into the next thing. 

That may just be how you write, and aside from that little bit I found the rest of the chapter very enjoyable, just a few little spelling mistakes here and there, and I hope you continue this story so I can see what happens next. 

Cheerio, Rairb