A bolt of lightning flashed between the distant trees, vivid white and blinding. To 481’s surprise, the horses did not startle. Instead, they trotted steadily onwards through the thundering rain, barely making a sound. The Gifted man shivered, drawing his grey, fur-lined cloak closer to his body with his left hand, gripping the reins as tightly as he could with his right. With every step his mare took, he felt his grip slipping. His fingers had never been the same since an assignment three years ago, when his right hand and wrist had been shattered by the blow of a rebel’s club.
I can’t let them see my weakness. The Leader herself chose me for this mission. If I do well, she may even recommend me for the Council. I don’t want her to see me as just a damn cripple.
“Shouldn’t we stop and find cover?” 373 called. 481 glanced to the left where his companion rode beside him. The younger man was sitting tall in his saddle despite the droplets trickling down his face, his eyebrows raised and his lips curved into a bemused smile. His question was directed at the Leader, who rode in front of them on a large bay gelding.
“No,” she said, turning when she spoke. She wore a long cloak similar to 481’s but hers was deep black and edged with gold. Her stark grey eyes narrowed, shadowed by her hood. “We ride on until we reach the village.”
373 bowed his head and touched his fist to his chest. When the Leader was facing forward again, he glanced at 481 and rolled his eyes.
“She’s been Leader for what, two months?” he said under his breath. “I’ve been leading expeditions for fifteen years. It’s not like we’re chasing after rebels, we’re just going to arrest some old village woman. It can wait until tomorrow morning, surely. If we keep going the horses will tire. They’ll stumble and fall.”
481 shrugged, glancing nervously at the Leader. I can’t let her hear any doubts. “I’m sure the Leader has her reasons,” he said evenly. He shivered, resisting the urge to chatter his teeth. “Maybe this woman is a rebel, or something else, I don’t know. There are known rebel groups in the south.”
“If that were the case, she would’ve told me at the very least,” said 373. He sat up straighter, adjusting the reins. “I’m in the Council now. We are privy to such information.”
You’re an up-jumped pretender. You’ve never fought in a real battle in your life, but somehow you managed to convince the Head Councilman to promote you. 481 gritted his teeth, clenching his injured fist as tightly as he could. It was he who should have had that position, he who should be wearing a black uniform. Instead, he was stuck with grey while a younger, vainer man took his place. His only hope now was that the Leader took a shine to him and recommended he be promoted. She could not appoint Council members herself, but 481 assumed the Head Councilman took her advice into account.
“What do you think?” 373 continued, oblivious. He raised his eyebrows, glancing over his shoulder at the fourth member of their party, who rode steadily behind them on a dappled grey mare.
“It’s not our place to question the Leader,” the woman said quietly, her voice almost inaudible through the rain. They had set off from the fortress together at dawn, but in the twelve hours since 481 had yet to hear her speak. He knew her number, 571, from the mission briefing the Head Councilman had given him prior to their journey. She wore a grey uniform like him, but the dark green lining of her cloak and sleeves and the emerald encrusted timepiece hanging from her belt indicated she had the Gift of Earth.
“Fine,” said 373 shortly, rolling his eyes. He lowered his voice. “Don’t act like the two of you aren’t thinking the same thing.”
481 cleared his throat, shifting in his saddle. He glanced at the Leader, but she rode onward, with no change in her body language to suggest she had heard anything.
I’m not questioning her. She is our Leader now, and I must do as she asks. But… it is unusual, he’s right in that.
Leaders rarely travelled the Island, especially not for a mission that could be easily handled by even the most inexperienced of Gifted. The Head Councilman had read the mission briefing to 481 before he left the Fortress - they were to capture a certain village woman alive and bring her back for questioning. 481 had no idea what knowledge she had that could possibly be useful to the Leader and the Council. That information was classified, which he understood well enough. As an ordinary Gifted soldier, it wasn’t his place to question his orders. But the Head Councilman had shown him a sketch of their target too. She was a small, frail looking woman in her sixties with long white hair tied in a braid, barely indistinguishable from any other nonGifted villager. She would never be able to overpower a single fully trained Gifted, let alone four, so why the Leader felt she had to lead the mission herself was a mystery. Perhaps there was something else about this woman that made her capture vital. Or perhaps the Leader simply wanted to prove herself to the Gifted and her Council. Leaders served for life, but she was newly appointed and young. Her predecessor had been a strong, stable man, guiding both the Gifted and nonGifted for almost fifty years. Many in the Fortress, including 481 himself, had doubts over whether this young, unblooded woman could fill his shoes.
Lost in thought, 481 and his companions spent the rest of the journey in silence. They rode for an hour more, following the winding forest road south until it met the Great River. From there, it was only a short journey along the riverbank to Town 13, the farming village where their target was supposedly hiding. When they finally arrived it was well past sunset, and the rain had slowed to a steady drizzle.
“At last,” 373 said, yawning loudly as they followed a dirt path between two large, grassy fields. They were heading for a cluster of redbrick buildings visible at the bottom of the hill, where the river met the sea. “What are the headquarters like in these farming villages? I haven’t stayed in one for years. Are there decent beds? They have thralls, right –“
“We won’t be stopping yet,” the Leader interrupted from up ahead. “We will find the target and capture her, exchange our horses, then make our way back to the Fortress.”
“But that’ll take all night,” 373 protested, sitting up straighter in his saddle and puffing out his chest. “Sir, I know this mission is crucial to you, but if we ride all through the night we will only be tired and might make mistakes. She may overpower and escape us. We should stop and rest now, then in the morning –“
“If we stop to rest, she may hear of our arrival and run,” the Leader said. She turned to face her subordinates, her eyebrows narrowing. “I’m surprised you’re causing so much fuss. If you are truly Gifted, one sleepless night should be no trouble.”
373’s neck reddened and his dark brown eyes narrowed into slits. After a few seconds he placed a hand over his heart and bowed his head.
“Of course, sir,” he muttered through gritted teeth. 481 smirked, turning his head away so the Councilman couldn’t see. He tried catching 571’s eye, but her gaze was fixed on the Leader.
When they reached the bottom of the hill, the dirt track turned into a cobblestone road that led into town. They followed the street until its end, where it widened into the central village square. The Gifted headquarters was located on the side of the square closest to the sea, facing inwards towards the town. It was a large, two-storey building with a tall, white stone fence surrounding the property. A large stable was located on the grounds, and to 481’s surprise the Leader took them straight there rather than greet the local Gifted. They left the horses behind with a fresh bale of hay and continued on foot, making their way back along the cobblestone road to the large communal buildings that made up most of the town. The Leader had them stick to the shadows, hurrying along in single file until they reached a red-brick dwelling that overlooked the river. It was one of the larger buildings in the village. From the size of it, 481 guessed there would be at least twenty rooms of varying sizes that each housed a nonGifted family inside.The Leader took her three followers to the nearest staircase, a large stone construct stuck onto the side of the building which led to the upstairs rooms.
“Our target is hiding in here,” said the Leader, standing at the bottom of the stairs. “Room 14. It’s on the top floor. 571, you stay here and keep watch for anything suspicious. 373, you hurry to the second exit on the other side of this building. If she knows we are coming, she may try to escape that way. 481, you search around the other buildings. Make sure she isn’t hiding anywhere else. I will check Room 14.”
481 bowed deeply and turned around, making his way to the central courtyard that effaced the four largest communal buildings. When he was out of sight of his comrades, he let his lips break into a grin. It seemed to him that his job was the most crucial, after the Leader’s. If the target had tried to made an escape, it was he who would likely find her.
If I do I’ll capture her all by myself. It’s my chance to show the Leader what I can do. If I find and subdue this villager, she’ll recommend me to the Council for sure.
He moved swiftly through the streets, checking down every alley and corner he could find. The clouds shifted above him and for the first time that night, the full moon was visible in the sky. It shone brightly and aided his search, illuminating the cracked and scuffed brick walls, highlighting every nook and cranny. After ten minutes of searching, he finally reached the far side of the village, where the red brick buildings melted into vast farmlands. Gazing out at the silver dappled grass fields, 481 sighed and closed his eyes.
I suppose this is far enough. If she’s fled any further, we’re unlikely to find her tonight.
He turned around and was about to start back towards Room 14 when he a gust of wind blew past him and the rustling of leaves filled the air. Glancing towards the gentle sound, he noticed a small herb garden nestled between the paddock fence and the redbrick wall of the nearest communal building. Resting his ruined right hand on the hilt of his sword, he crept slowly towards the garden, coming to a stop outside the picket fence.
Just twenty feet away from him kneeled a small village woman with a long, messy white braid. Even from the back, her resemblance to the sketch was too great to be a coincidence. She was dressed in simple village garb; a dirty brown woollen dress with a grey shawl draped over her shoulders. Her hands were covered by thick black gloves and she held a cluster of grey-green weeds in both of them. Even from a distance, 481 could see her wrinkled, thin neck and wrists as she tended to the garden.
It’s her… This frail old woman is the person the Leader needed three experienced Gifted to hunt down.
“What are you doing here?” the woman said, looking up from the ground.
481 stifled a gasp and grabbed at his sword. His ruined fingers fumbled around the hilt and it slipped out of his grip. Cursing under his breath, he switched quickly to his left hand. He tensed, ready to rush forward, but the woman did not turn around or stand up. Instead, she stayed hunched over the ground, tending to the plants while a gentle breeze blew through the garden, tousling her hair. Only then did she look up at the sky, as though someone tall was standing directly before her.
“Why won’t you tell me who you are?” the village woman said. She spoke with a quiet, silvery voice. “I’d love to know more about you.”
What is she doing? Talking to herself like that… Is she mad?
481 frowned and pursed his lips together. Gingerly, he took a step forward, but before he could approach the target someone placed a hand on his shoulder. He glanced to his right and saw the Leader standing behind him, a finger held to her lips. 481 bowed his head and let her go on ahead without him.
“Stand up,” the Leader said, drawing her sword. Her eyes were fixed on the village woman, and her normally grey irises glowed an eerie white as the air around them drew still. “Your time is up, traitor. We’re taking you back to the Council.”
The village woman stood up, glancing at the moon before she turned to face the Leader. Her pale blue eyes remained impassive as a steely wind current wound its way over her body, immobilising her.
“I wondered how long it would take,” the villager said quietly. “Everywhere I go, he always seems to find me. Two years is a long time, though. Longer than I thought, but…. Never mind. We both know you won’t hold me for long.”
The Leader beckoned at 481. He hurried forward. “I know why you came to this village, traitor,” she said, her eyebrows narrowing. “I know you came back to be with your son, your grandchildren. We found them first.”
The woman’s expression changed instantly. Her eyes widened and she opened her mouth for a moment, swallowing and closing it quickly.
“Any sign of resistance, and they all die,” The Leader continued in a low voice. “Do I make myself clear?”
The woman nodded, all colour draining from her cheeks. The Leader smiled, glancing at 481 and jerking her head in the traitor’s direction.
“481, bind her please. Quickly.”
481 bowed, hurrying as fast as he could to the villager’s side. He pushed against the air like he was wading through a wall of mud, gritting his teeth. When he reached her, 481 took a thick metal chain from his belt and wound it around the woman’s bony wrists. He tightened them until the steel rings cut into her skin and she let out a gasp. Once she was chained, the air settled and the Leader’s eyes faded back into grey. She strode forward and grabbed the woman by the left elbow, while 481 held onto her right.
“Back to headquarters now,” she said shortly, jerking the woman forward so violently she and 481 almost lost their balance. “We will take a carriage back to the Fortress. Her family will be taken for questioning also, but they will not be killed unless she resists.”
481 nodded, gripping their captive’s arm tightly as they made their way back through the village. When he glanced up at the nearby buildings, he saw candles burning in the windows and the faces of many nonGifted peering down at them, their eyes wide and fearful. A few had even taken in to the streets, watching from the alleyways as the two Gifted marched the traitor through the village streets. When they reached the town square, 373 and 571 were standing beside a large carriage with two draft horses attached and a thrall siting in the driver’s seat. Another three horses were tied to a nearby fence post, saddled and ready to go. Two new Gifted women, who 481 presumed were the current supervisors of the village, stood beside a dark-haired, middle-aged man and two young children. The man’s brow was sweaty and his shoulders shook with every breath. The children cried silently, their arms wrapped around each other.
“Mother!” the man called as they approached, his voice cracking. Murmurs swept through the growing crowd as more nonGifted left their homes to watch the scene unfolding before them. “I – I’m sorry... They were holding a knife to Josie and I couldn’t –“
“It’s alright, Eddie,” the woman said quickly. “This is my fault. I shouldn’t have come back. Just – do as they say, and you’ll all be fine.”
“They should just let us go,” her son said hotly, his shoulders heaving as a tear ran down his cheek. “Gifted, please listen… My mother is harmless, truly. She – she just wanted to see her family again. Please, let her stay with us. She’s not hurting anyone. Please, just -”
“Don’t say anything,” the traitor interrupted, shaking her head as they reached the other Gifted. 373 stepped forward and yanked her arm away from 481’s grasp, and pushed her forcefully up the steps into the carriage. She craned her neck towards her son, gasping with pain as the Gifted man twisted her elbow. “Please Eddie, don’t fight them. I –“
Her words became muffled as 373 forced a cloth gag into her mouth, tying it so tightly behind her head that she groaned. The Leader stepped forward, her eyes narrowed into slits as she regarded the crowd. Fearful faces stared back at her. One girl in particular caught 481’s eye. A tall, thin, dark-haired teenager stood on top of the stone well’s wall, craning her neck for a better look. Her bright blue eyes shone through the dim moonlight, a wisp of tangled hair caught in her lip. 481 frowned. The longer he stared at her, the more he had a sense that they had met before.
“This woman is a traitor,” the Leader said, her voice cutting through the night air and distracting 481 from his musings. He blinked, clearing his throat, focusing his attention back on the Gifted woman.
“She deserted her duties in this village long ago for a different life,” the Leader continued, “a life of crime and treason. She ran from Gifted rule, but now that she’s decided she’d be more comfortable in one of our towns, she has returned and put every one of you in danger. She’s been stealing your hard-earned rations without lifting a finger to help. So we will be taking her and the traitors who harboured her, but the rest of you need not be harmed. Go back to your homes or I will arrest the whole village.”
The crowd went quiet. Pursing her lips, the Leader turned back to the carriage and climbed onto her bay gelding as rain started to fall again. A distant crack of thunder sounded as 481 hurried towards the traitor’s family, shivering and drawing his cloak closer to his body. 571 arrived first and placed her hands around the children’s shoulders. Gently, she started leading them towards the carriage. Their sobs intensified and the girl looked back and reached towards her father. The Gifted woman continued to lead them away, her face remaining impassive.
The man stared at his children, his jaw tense and his eyebrows knotted. He glanced at the woman holding him and raised his foot, kicking backwards into her shin. She swore and let him go, wincing and grabbing for her sword, her eyes flashing red. The man ran forward, yelling words that 481 thought must be his children’s names. The Gifted man acted quickly, running forward and raising his left hand to the sky. Rain drops settled against his palm hardened into an icy dagger. 481 grabbed for the man’s collar clumsily with his right hand and pressed the point firmly against the villager’s throat. The nonGifted man’s breath shuddered and the blade steamed where small beads of blood spilled over the edge.
“One wrong move…” 481 warned.
The man’s eyes were wide and shaking as he watched 373 and 571 loading his mother and children into the carriage. 481 pulled the man towards the door, wincing as stabbing pains shot up his arm the longer he clenched his crippled fingers.
I can do it. I can’t let them see me struggle.
Beads of sweat formed on his forehead as the man continued to struggle against him. He reached up and grabbed 481’s hands, twisting his wrists. 481 swore under his breath as his grip on the man’s collar loosened. Finally free, the nonGifted man slipped under 481’s right arm and wrestled the icy dagger from his grip. The man ran clumsily towards the carriage as gasps escaped from the crowd. 481 swore out loud and dashed towards his prisoner, his eyes flashing an icy blue.
My hand might be crippled, but I still have my Gift.
Water burst from the palms of his hand, snaking through the air and slipping under the nonGifted man’s feet as he ran. He slipped and stumbled while the wave grew more intense, pushing him back until he was pressed against the stone fence. The water hardened into a thick wall of ice. The man struggled against his bindings, yelling curses. 481 raised his sword with his left hand and shoved the steel blade into the man’s throat. Multiple villagers screamed as the traitor coughed, spraying blood all over 481’s face. Frowning, the Gifted man blinked and wiped the droplets away with the back of his sleeve and withdrew the sword, sheathing it without wiping away the blood.
“Dad, no… ” The male child’s voice through the night air, cracking on every syllable. 481 looked up and saw him and his sister staring at their father’s bleeding body, their cheeks white. The traitor woman was crying too, her sobs choking against the gag. She fell to her knees, her shoulders shaking. 373 forced her to her feet and pushed her and the children back into the carriage, slamming the door behind them.
“He was innocent!” a man’s voice cried, unidentifiable among the crowd. “You – you killed him. Eddie never hurt anyone!”
Multiple voices yelled in agreement. The rain intensified and 481 lifted his sword threateningly towards the crowd.
“Stay back!” 481 commanded, but the villagers continued to inch forward, many clenching their fists as though ready to jump forward and fight. 481’s eyes fell on the same girl he had spotted before. Her hair was wet and stringy, sticking to her cheeks, her shoulders shaking. She was staring at the man 481 had killed with wide eyes. Multiple men and women rushed past the teenager and threw themselves at the Gifted. 481 pushed them back with a wave of water, gritting his teeth and slashing his sword forward.
“Stop!”
The air around them swirled and roared, rain drops splattering in all directions. The dark-haired girl jumped behind the well to avoid the gust, but the rest of the villagers stumbled backwards. A wave of wind spiralled around the crowd, trapping them in a circle in the middle of the village square. The Leader jumped down from her horse and walked slowly towards the nonGifted villagers, her brow furrowed in concentration. Her eyes flashed and slowly, the villagers started to cough, falling to the ground and clutching at their throats.
“Stop now,” the Leader said, her eyes narrowing as the villagers gasped for air. “You have no chance against us.”
She turned away and climbed back onto her horse. She lifted her hood and kicked her horse’s sides. He trotted forward, whinnying nervously while the air grew still again in his mistress’ wake. Breathing in deeply, the villagers slowly started to pick themselves up from the ground, their faces flushed. The dark-haired girl peeked her head over the top of the well, her face pale. She caught 481’s eye briefly before she turned and ran away, her boots slipping against the slick wet cobblestones. 481 glanced at 373, who was staring at the Leader’s retreating figure, his dark eyes wide.
“I…” he began, his voice hoarse. “I – I’ve never seen a Gift of Air with that kind of power. She… she truly is our Leader.”
481 nodded wordlessly, his throat too tight to speak. 373 opened the carriage door and stepped inside while 571 mounted her horse. 481 bowed his head towards the village Gifted, who were covering the traitor’s son with a woven sheet, and turned back towards his own mare. As he did so, a gust of wind blew around his head, even though the rain was falling in the opposite direction.
What was that? Is someone singing?
He frowned, straining his ears against the heavy rain. A gentle, mournful tune seemed to follow the wind, fading out as quickly as it appeared. He glanced up, wondering if 571 had heard it too, but she and the carriage had already left. Shaking his head, 481 mounted his horse and set off at a fast trot.
It was nothing. I’m just tired, clearly.
481 lifted his hood and urged his horse forward through the thundering rain. He closed his eyes, trying to picture the warm bed and fire waiting for him at the Fortress, but all he could see was a face in the wind.
Comments must contain at least 3 words
Chapter: 0
September 10, 2013 | D.M. Gergen
Chapter: 0
Warning: I am bluntly sarcastic and I review everything I see in the composition and concept. I will praise what I love and point out what I think needs work.
Now then! Let's start with the biggies, shall we?
Alright, so beyond what I've mentioned, this is written well. The dialogue is natural, and the concept, while similar to ones I've seen, is unique enough to float. So far, I like it, and I can't wait to read more :)
November 11, 2013 | Melody Hallows
Chapter: 0
Wesley definitely seems attractive… Hah, sorry, it’s just that I have a killer weakness for guys with blond hair and blue eyes, teehee. It’s so cruel to take a child away from their family simply because they are “gifted”. Okay, they want to train them, fine, but make it like a special academy where they go during the day, and then come back home at night; just like a normal school you arrogant pricks! xD
Oh snap, Carrey was actually a Gifted in disguise. How was she overlooked as a baby? Perhaps that was her ability, or maybe her powers only activate when she is in danger? Either way, the story is definitely interesting. I wonder how it will develop, especially since Carrey found out that she’s a Gifted, and those two other women want to declare war on the Gifted. So exciting!
November 28, 2013 | Luna's Child
Thank you for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed it! Haha I think Carey turning out to be Gifted is probably one of the most cliched plot twists ever, but whatever I used it :P I'll read and review your story in the morning!
November 28, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
You provide a very clear background for the story in terms of Carey’s family, Janelle and Samantha, and the premise of the story in general, i.e. the identification of the gifted ones. By making everything explicit, you are making it easier for your readers to get into the story. However, you could also try to let the readers work out some things for themselves, e.g. from their conversation or by describing some of their inner thoughts and feelings.
Janelle and Samantha’s desire for revenge is understandable to me, but I feel that it needs to be developed a little more to make them more relatable to readers. No doubt you’ll do so in later chapters.
The ending of the chapter came as a surprise, and worked well to make me want to go on reading. I just have a minor question on how Carey could kick the man from behind when he was supposed to be holding her by the throat, and so they were presumably face to face.
Editing:
Like I said, if you prefer that I leave your language alone, let me know. BTW when I give editing suggestions, the capitals are to highlight the change I’m recommending, I’m not shouting. :)
November 29, 2013 | I hear stories in my head
Thanks so much for the comment! And thanks for picking up those errors, no matter how many times I read over it I always seem to miss a few. As for your question, the man came from behind her and grabbed her around the neck (I’ll go and change it so it says neck, throat makes it seem like he’s choking her now I think about it), so her back was facing him, and she kicked him from behind ^^
November 29, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
This story looked pretty interesting as well, so I decided to check it out. I'm just gonna say I'm glad I did. Although the gifted powers that center around the elements isn't the most original thing in the world, the overall plot seems pretty original and the story is well written. I mentioned in the other story of your's I've read that i like the writing style- it's nice, flows well, and has plenty of detail.
One thing that irked me was how the POVs switched several times in the chapter without a page break or a line to show. I didn't get confused because third person POV makes POV changes easier to understand, but some might. By the way, I like Janelle's name.
Overall it's a good start, and nice cliffhanger at the end. Looks like Carey really is gifted.
November 30, 2013 | A . Nonymous
Thank you for commenting! I'm glad you like it :D I thought I left blank line between the POV changes... I don't know I'll check. I hope it's not too confusing, I try and make it obvious whose POV it is right away. I suppose this is the first chapter, though >.< I'm glad you like Janelle's name :D
December 1, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Overall, the prologue was good. You flashed the character of Casey quite well and gave the basic information about the fictional world. Not much, but enough to know more or less what is going on without getting a headache. Your writing style is great - reading the chapter was a very pleasant experience. The vocabulary is diverse, the sentences nicely built, the general style isn't pompous, but natural.
Plot and pacing
Pacing was nice, as well as the plot - after getting properly introduced, Casey gets kidnapped and her Gift manifests. There was something unexpected, a mild cliffhanger... enough to make me read the next chapter, so the purpose of the prologue is fulfilled.
I sense a was Gifted versus unGifted looming on the horizon and I know Casey's going on a trip very soon (unless she gets recruited by Janelle, what would be entertaining).
Once again, you gave just the right amount of information.
Characters
Casey
You portrayed her background well. Coming from a farming family with many children and having to help her parents - seems realistic. Her relations with her family member were absolutely normal and I'm glad she isn't "a tragic, misunderstood heroine", I also liked that Casey wasn't a "super mega awesome person" from the start, because it leaves a lot of room for character development. Like quite a number of people, I get annoyed when the heroine is the most beautiful, talented, clever and popular in the whole kingdom, so Casey was able to gain my sympathy very quickly.
Janelle
She's a little revolutionary, isn't she? I can't really say much about her right now, but she's going to stir some trouble, which sounds like fun.
January 16, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas
Thank you for reading! I’m glad you like it :) I must admit I don’t know anything about farming or country life, so I’m glad you think Carey’s family life is realistic :P Haha, I hate it when the heroines (or heroes, for that matter :P) are perfect and good at everything, the story’s boring if they just do everything right all the time.
January 16, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
I really like the concept of this story. It reminded me several things I had read, yet it was like nothing I had read. I love the way you didn't have to explain much about who the Gifted were and what this society was like, but we still just an understanding about it from how your characters reacted to things and thought about certain things. I really like it when people write stories that involve the elements. Personally I am a huge fan of water (My stars sign is a water sign. Yes, I am biased). I actually just bought a short story today that delt with the main character turning into a shadow, and Carey reminded me of him. There is so much you can do with that power, and I feel that you will use it to the greatest extent that you can.
The plot is what intrigued me to your story first. It seems like a mix of dystopian and fantasy. Normally I cannot stand dystopian on its own. I think it is an overused, overrated genre, but the fact that this is mostly fantasy is what I love best. I am also a big fan of twins. I will admit I am not an expert on them, and my love for them does come from Fred and George Weasley. However, I do know about siblings, and you are doing a great job of writing about them. You can really tell the love Carey has for all her siblings, and the fear she has of Lindsay being taken away. Revenge oriented female protagonists are my favorite because they are literally willing to stop at nothing to get what they want.
January 21, 2014 | S S Desai
Thanks for commenting! Hehe, my favourite element is probably earth (just because I feel sorry for it, in elemental stories earth always seems to be neglected :P).
January 21, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
I can't believe I'm only just now getting around to reading this! Gah, I need more free time! I keep finding things here that I really want to read! Anyway, great start! I like the plot you've got going so far. It makes me think of a sort of crossover between The Last Airbender and The Hunger Games. I'm interested to see where it goes.
I like Carey, especially the fact that she's just a normal, everyday girl living in a crappy world with dreams of having something more. She's not starting out as a badass warrior woman with a crossbow, bent on overthrowing the Gifted. She's just an average farm girl, so good job there. Also, while I fully expected her to end up being Gifted, I didn't see it coming up so soon so you managed to surprise me with that.
I think Janelle and Sam's (May I call her Sam?) two woman rebellion is going to need a little more support before it can get off the ground. Still, every revolution has to start somewhere, right? I'm interested to see what kind of mischief these girls will be getting into.
March 22, 2014 | Serina Truscott-Duvall
Thanks for the comment! :) Hehe, most of the time I get people telling me this story is like Divergent (which I hadn’t read at the time… I’ve read it now and I disagree! But I can’t tell if I’m just being resistant… XD). Hehe. And yes, feel free to call her Sam ;)
March 23, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Hello. I like your story so far and would like to comment on your first chapter. Let me know if you are interested in trading comments/reviews.
At first I was a little confused because of the description. I couldn't tell whether the Gifted were good or bad, or which girl Carey is. That was cleared up pretty quickly though. I know that the Gifted are born good but then captured and stuff. The whole thing with splitting Carey and Janelle is a neat idea. I wonder if they're connected somehow, in a way that will shock even your cleverest readers upon finding out, maybe near the end. Another thing I liked is how you show them thinking. While their personalities aren't fully revealed yet, your inner dialog made me feel like I already know them a little. Their thinking is a little complex too, in a good way. One girl (Carey) is worried about losing her sibling, and then it moves to another girl (Janelle) who already did. And at the end it looks like Carey herself is going to get captured.
There a few things I'm going to be a little picky about. Some of them might be a personal thing. One is your use of the word "now" even though the book is written in the past tense (about a third way through the chapter, before Carey enters the cottage). A little bit after that, when Carey's mom thanks her, it looks like you were talking about Carey thanking herself or something because you said Carey and then "she" without talking about the mom. The same thing happened with Janelle and Samantha at the end of their part. Again, I'm just being picky - I knew what you were talking about. Lastly, the way you started and ended with Carey's half of the story makes me think that you're going to be partial to her, that maybe she's more important that Janelle. For Janelle's part, you talked about her being alone and not having any weapons, but she has a sword and it looks like they're planning a revolt or something. Sorry if this is just a misinterpretation.
As for what I think about the characters and setting, I'm intrigued. It isn't that confusing, especially compared to some other fantasy stories, but there's still a bit of mystique. I like your plot. It's amusing and engaging. Like I said, I hope - and expect - to see more differences between Carey and Wesley. They seem to be fun-loving but serious when they need to be, and they obviously care a lot for their family. It looks like Wesley is more carefree and helpful while Carey is more adventurous, more of a daydreamer. That may be wrong, it's just my first impression. Janelle seems like a fighter, maybe vengeful and impatient. Not afraid to take risks. Samantha is obviously more mysterious.
I hope you found this comment to be a little helpful, and that you have a lovely day =)
April 28, 2014 | David Boyce
Hi! Thanks very much for reading :) I’d be happy to do a trade with you. Tell me which story you’d like me to read :)
Thanks for the tips and stuff. I must admit I always struggle when two people of the same gender are talking, I don’t like repeating names a lot but then if I don’t it gets confusing… xD As for Janelle and the thing with the weapons, before she met Samantha she didn’t have any weapons or hope of achieving her goal. That’s what I meant anyway, I’m not sure how clear it was :P
This story is split pretty much evenly between the main characters (who may be more than just the two girls…) but Janelle’s plot is the sort that takes a while to build up while Carey’s starts straight away. So yeah, for the first six or so chapters Carey does get a lot more action than Janelle. I also faced a dilemma with this chapter, because I wanted to start with Carey’s part (as it makes a better opening) but I also wanted to end on it because of the cliffhanger… Usually it won’t be split like that :P
As for whether the Gifted are good or bad… Well, that’s a secret ;)
April 29, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
This chapter really caught my attention. After reading the summary, then reading this, I am glad I decided to. Your vocabulary and use of description is astounding and I can't wait to read on to the next chapters.
Keep it up!
July 8, 2014 | Branson Denero
Thanks for reading! I'm glad it was enjoyable :) If you'd like me to read something in return, feel free to PM me.
July 8, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
I felt a sort of Hunger Games like vibe come off of it when i read the summary but in more of a supernatural way, if that made any sense. The plot really intrigues me so I may just have to read further into this. Btw, this is my first comment on a story since I started using this account, so you're lucky. Anyways, i was really confused when you kept mentioning Lindsey as a he because I have always thought it was a girls name. Well that serves me right I guess >.<
Anyways, I really like it so far. I wish you luck on revamping
July 30, 2014 | Lizzie Striker
Thanks for the comment! Haha, you're definitely not the first person to compare this story to the Hunger Games ;) People also compare it to Divergent and Avatar the Last Airbender. I'll try and comment on your story in return later, when I have time.
July 30, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
There's one point where you seemed to have gone from Carey's POV, to Wesley's, when he was noticing her eyes, so much like his own; since the first part of the chapter is from Carey's POV, it's safe to assume she wouldn't know what Wes was taking notice of. Just a little tip.
The pacing also seems a bit off, like things are being dealt with too quickly, such as the dialogue between Carey and her brother, and the dialogue between Janelle and Samantha.
Overall though, I think the premise behind your story is interesting, and holds a good deal of promise. :) I'm curious to see how things pan out for Carey's youngest brother, and to see how Janelle's quest for revenge turns out.
October 29, 2014 | Shannon Rohrer
Chapter: 0
Chapter 1
November 13, 2014 | Stacey Luster
Thanks for reading, I hope you continue to enjoy the story. If you'd like, I can read one of your stories in return. Let me know which one you'd like! :)
November 13, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
I am very intrigued by this story so far! I love seeing it from the two different character's point of view (Janelle and what's her name) and two different locations. Gives a little bit of mystery without being too overbearing. I really only noticed a couple of technical issues. Like when Janelle is being followed by the Gifted person, and she's thinking how annoying he is, but it doesn't matter because she really is going home--that whole thing is just unnecessary, I'd cut all of it out. It leaves a little more mystery and intrigue to just have her say she's going home and have her go to this place. Also, I hate the names Janelle, Samantha, and Lindsay (girl or boy), but that is just my opinion >.< Great work! I will keep reading and commenting :)
January 19, 2015 | Catherine Rose Hillin
Thanks so much for the comment! Sorry, I like those names so they're staying ;) Thanks for the advice, that part has troubled me a bit so I'm happy to hear your opinion. And no worries about taking a while, I've been away all week without internet access anyway. I'll definitely be getting back to your story soon! :)
January 23, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Overall it is a very intriguing chapter. It reminds of the Hunger Games for some reason with the worrying and mysterious 'Gifted'. There's a definite sense of fear you have crafted and it responds well with a reader (me).
I like how you have divided up the chapter from two different perspectives, it's a nice change and keeps readers on their toes. My only critique would be to make the change from one perspective to another more definitive and clear.
I'm already nervous for Lindsay,like yikes. You build upon that sense of worry well, though it can be built upon to make it almost a suffocating paranoia and Carey's denial all the more intense. A lot of questions about the Gifted and how they choose others is quite intriguing for a first chapter.
Janelle is interesting, her circumstance is interesting and I'm really curious to know how it develops for her, so I will keep reading. I enjoy revenge/rebellion plots. Her relationship with Samantha is also curious "Partners, definitely... we both have the same goal, but are we friends? It's so hard to tell with Samantha."
Things that can worked upon is creating the atmosphere and a greater of being submerged fully in the stories and characters. I'm sure you'll prove me wrong in later chapters though. Also, dialog is sometimes difficult to follow and because of the lack of detail, it makes tricky to understand the tone of some conversations.
Hope this helps!!
December 31, 2015 | deactivated account
Thanks for commenting! :) I’m glad the story is intriguing so far. Haha, quite a lot of people have compared this story to The Hunger Games, at first, anyway xD Thanks for the feedback. It’s very helpful :)
January 2, 2016 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Wow... damn, I just read this whole story.I am genuinely in love with it.
April 28, 2016 | Aaron L.
Chapter: 0
I really liked the two halves you set up with this chapter - on the one hand we have Carey and Wesley, two siblings with a newborn. Their lives feel carefree and easy, the only real worry they have being the Assessment Day, which is a contrast from the seriousness from the prologue. You wrote them very convincingly as siblings, while also hinting at the presence of the Gifted and the fear of taking any newborn Gifted children.
The second half of the chapter focused on Janelle and Samantha, which was more intriguing. We actually see a Gifted as he escorts her home, Would love to know how Samantha managed to sneak around with the Gifted on patrol, and their measure of revenge is completely believeable!
I guess the one thing I would say or point out was that Gifted man himself - was there any distinguishable trait to mark him as a Gifted? He felt like a guard - which he still is, Gifted or not - but I guess I expected something to hint at whatever gift he had? I don't even think this is a valid critique lol, it set things up really nicely while hinting at oppression! I'll try and keep up and comment regularly!
February 18, 2020 | Danny Power Hallihan (Dormant)
February 20, 2020 | Genevieve Middleton