Malgorzata Wyrwas | SparkaTale

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  • Last login 10/25/14
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Malgorzata Wyrwas's Bio

Hello, my name is unpronounceable for most of humankind, but fortunately it can be shortened to Gosia. I’m an university student in my twenties, about to face the real life very soon. I’ve always dream of becoming a writer, but actually never did anything about it. Recently I decided to stop being a pathetic whimpering deadbeat and give my dreams a try.
 

I enjoy reading (what a shocker), but fortunately for my fitness I have numerous other hobbies like horse riding, archery, fishing, kayaking and several other suspiciously non-feminine activities. Did I mention I’m a girl? As for fantasy literature, my top favorite authors are Terry Goodkind, David Eddings, Andrzej Sapkowski and J.R.R. Tolkien.

 

Books

4 0 10 2255
Hunt for Mermaids

16 3 380 23290
Mystic Mirror
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Comments
  • Hunt for Mermaids

    Unfortunately, the story is on hiatus. Right now, I'm focusing on finishing the sequel to "Mystic Mirror", so I don't plan to write more chapters for "Hunt for Mermaids" anytime soon.

    Commented on: May 26, 2014

  • A Different Child

    I liked the drama!

    It was a good call to insert some insecurities and have the friendship with Austin be in theoretical danger.

    Commented on: April 13, 2014

  • A Different Child

    Another nice chapter.

    Caiden's tentacle talents are a bit disturbing though. I can't help but make a connection to the infamous use of tentacle theme in Japanese hm... adult video industry. Anyway, this might come in handy once Caiden grows up ;-)

    Commented on: April 13, 2014

  • A Different Child

    It's nice that Caiden made a new friend, who's he's peer.

    Commented on: April 13, 2014

  • A Different Child

    ...

    Is there something I don't know about the other characters? Why does everyone wear diapers? All right, I'll just go to the next chapter ;-)

    Commented on: April 13, 2014

  • A Different Child

    Although I find it still a little confusing, I enjoyed the magical/science fiction elements of the storyline featured in this chapter.

    I don't have any major issues to point out. The last sentence said by the hero was very funny - it reminded me of master Yoda.

    Commented on: April 13, 2014

  • A Different Child

    Finally! It appears that something starts to happen at last.

    Commented on: April 13, 2014

  • A Different Child

    I liked how the focus shifted from Caiden's cuteness and family relations to the details of your futuristic world. I enjoyed it, but I also liked the granny.

    Things I found odd:

    Three degrees in child psychology - is it even possible to have 3 degrees in one field? Usually, you say that someone has multiple degrees in different fields (like "I have three degrees, in theoretical physics, mathematics and law"). Otherwise, you just tell what your highest degree is. For instance, if you have a bachelor's and master's degree, you don't say you've got 2 degrees or even mention the bachelor degree. You say: I have a master's degree in this and that.

    Next, the ominous diaper comment by granny. She said, the hero had the potty training problem when he was in Caiden's age. Caiden is seven, right? Children at the age of seven are far too old to have potty training problems - it's considered highly alarming when a four-year old wets his/hers bed occasionally.

    Commented on: April 13, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Huh. I'm a bit confused here. It turns out, my theory about Alex was wrong...? Like Michael, I thought that Alex wanted to make Bianca happy by giving Jason love potion. But he didn't. Oh well, NC is starting to get like a suspense book, where not everything is like it seems. It's a little like Hunting Amaatlik in this aspect - up to certain point, everything is clear and logical, but then it turns out it was a lie. Anyway, I'm a fan of unexpected turn of events, so I like your plot twists.

    For some reason, Amisto irritates me. It's probably, because he treats everyone, as though he's far better than them (and he's rude to Michael).

    I'm glad that Xavier is somewhat taking part in the quest now - his narration never fails to make me grin.

    Commented on: April 10, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Finally, this dire moment came!

    Bianca got her wake-up call and realized some important things. I had to wait a bit for it, but I hope that now, that she's probably smarter than before, Bianca will be able to make the right decisions based on reason. What I not wish, is for her to become like Michael - pessimistic and somewhat bitter.

    I think, for Bianca this mission will be an image of growing up - usually it works that way. We're fully grown up when he stop having an idealistic, distorted image of reality and we finally realize that life consists mainly of problems.

    Selena reminds me a bit of Ariel (Disney) with that nice attitude of hers, having an intimidating daddy and a bunch of sisters.

    About the last paragraph, I don't think it's Selena. It's Calvin.

    Commented on: April 10, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    This chapter was a bit odd - it was Xavier's Pov, but I got the impression that Michael was the hero of the chapter (but don't change anything about it! It turned out well). At the beginning he even got a cool, manly moment, but he ruined it by brooding. Oh well, it would be against his character not to get slightly depressed, so it's fine.

    Michael's reactions got me thinking about the possible outcome of this mission though. He started disliking Bianca, but now he tolerates her presence and worries about her. Hmm... Maybe I should stop spotting romance possibilities everywhere.

    The ending was very surprising and dramatic. If I were not so sleepy, I would gasp. It was fantastic!

    Commented on: April 10, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Now this chapter was great! There was some exciting action. I know that Bianca will be saved (the heroines always get saved), but the situation is pretty tense anyway.

    Xavier was definitely the hero of this chapter. The first sentence was fabulous already - with Xavier smiling while panting. You brought out the full extent of his creepiness expertly. It was convincing and very amusing. Fun fact - while reading the previous chapter, I looked forward to reading about Xavier in this one. Moreover, you portrayed Bianca's reaction to Xavier's slightly alerting behavior very well. Although I relate to Michael more, in this chapter I was in tune with Biance. While reading, I was under the impression, as if I was riding the same elevator with a molester.

    Anyway, I want more Xavier. Currently, he replaced Skylos and became my favorite character.

    Commented on: April 10, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Good chapter - no complaints here.

    The moment, Liz told Mikey that Bianca is with Xavier, was hilarious.

    As usual, Michael is easy to relate to, even though he's horribly pessimistic. I imagine, he'd be a very annoying friend. I think, I'd prefer to have Jason as my best buddy - it would be much more funny, although probably dangerous.

    Liz seems like a very nice lady. There is something mother-like about her, that instantly makes her likable, even though she's weird at times. I still wonder how exactly Noah will get linked to the story (I suspect, he's the main antagonist of the story). In the first book you accented his presence, so he has to be important for the plot one way or another despite him appearing rarely.

    Commented on: April 10, 2014

  • Hunt for Mermaids

    Thank you for the review.

    As for future updates, the hiatus might last for a while longer - I'm busy with my main book Mystic Mirror and the sequel to it.

    Commented on: April 8, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for reviewing!

    Erik has his big moment ;-) As for no one noticing the spear, he has with him, everyone around is armed, so it's nothing special. Even May was armed with a frying pan.

    Commented on: April 8, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thank you very much for commenting! It's always great to receive reviews from you.

    Commented on: April 8, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    No offense taken!

    Your reviews are VERY important to me, so don't even start with that pessimistic talk. Of course, I'll review Welcome to Aodel (and NC), just not today.

    Commented on: April 6, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Yes, they're all over the Empire.

    Thanks for reviewing. All of the chapters are up now.

    Commented on: April 6, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    The comment with polishing isn't too nice. One question - do you run around in the house in shoes? If not, polishing is necessary.

    Anyway, thanks for the further tips. As for mops and swiffers, we call mops "mops" and swiffers "swiffers" (so they're like another kind of a mop)... It's quite curious.

    One quick question - how is our reviewing situation? Did you do all the reviews, you were supposed to, or are you still behind on them? Honestly, I lost count.

    Commented on: April 6, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    British accent? I'd rather expect the rock to have a German accent ;-)

    Teleporting to other world and facing life-threatening situations is a good form of a family therapy indeed. I'm surprised you thought May mopping was strange. I shift the blame on cultural differences ;-) In my country, everyone has a mop in their houses, and I assumed it's a common thing. Apparently, it isn't.

    PS. How do you keep floors clean? The vacuum cleaner is not enough, and floors have to be super-clean before polishing.

    Thanks for giving me the awesome grammar tips - they're priceless like always.

    Commented on: April 5, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Oh well, someone had to die. Thanks for reviewing. Stay tuned for the last chapters.

    Commented on: April 5, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for commenting and good luck with the exam.

    Writing the action scenes is my forte, unlike the emotional stuff ;-) Anyway, I'm happy, you liked them.

    Commented on: April 5, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for the review!

    As for Aedain's tactics, he wasn't very smart. That's probably why he died.

    I'm glad you liked the fight and that I managed to surprise you.

    Commented on: April 5, 2014

  • A Different Child

    I didn't realize, Nicoletta is a devil in disguise ;-)

    Good chapter.

    Commented on: April 5, 2014

  • A Different Child

    I wonder why Caiden isn't changing his diapers himself. He should be able to do it.

    Anyway, David is my favorite character so far. He's a kind and gentle person, but he's not bland. What I like about him, is that he's responsible and avoids many mistakes, the hero makes (like with the cooking).

    Commented on: April 5, 2014

  • A Different Child

    First of all, it was somewhat creepy that Caiden (Anastasia) revealed her true self - I thought that Caiden had very fuzzy memories of his previous life, and it was quite a surprise to find out the truth. Anyway, I liked that plot twist - it was interesting.

    So that's why Caiden is still in diapers. I was curious about the reason. Honestly, the reason seems like child neglect to me. The kid should be potty trained, and, instead of using diapers, the hero should have taken another steps. Try harder to potty train Caiden, visit child psychologist.

    Commented on: April 5, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for reviewing!

    If you want to know, what happened to the characters, two new chapters are up ;-)

    Commented on: April 5, 2014

  • Gifted

    This chapter made me feel as though Christmas came early this year.

    First of all, I love being right. One of my theories came true - 805 is a daddy! And Samantha's. I feel a little sorry for her - she had tough time in this chapter. I wonder, how the situation will progress from now on. Surely 805 and Sam won't be a happy family all of a sudden (maybe in the distant future). I imagine, 805 will die at some point of the story, possibly sacrificing himself.

    Anyway, the scene was epic, almost like the one in Star Wars ;-) The pace in this part of the chapter was good, the emotions depicted very well. Janelle was a fine "medium".

    Now about the second magnificent encounter. Carey's and 256's meeting was really awkward and surprisingly friendly. I expected them to be forced to fight instead of exchange news. Still, it was fun to read it; for some reason I giggled several times. 256 was extremely cute, especially when he was about to confess his love for Carey - that moment was embarrasing.

     

    Commented on: April 4, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for the review.

    You grasped the characters' motivations accurately. I liked the idea of the Spear being a lightsaber ;-) May the Force be with you!

    As for Erik developing his demon senses, he had some to start with and he'll continue to develop them (if he survives).

    I'll wait patiently for the rest of the reviews. Have a nice day!

    Commented on: April 4, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    So, you wonder why Zhawn rebelled? Good, you should (Fortunately, this will be revealed in book no 1). I liked the expression "Zhawn treatment", It would be quite useful ;-)

    Anyway, thanks for reviewing and keep worrying about the characters.

    Commented on: April 4, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I'm not sure if I grasped, what you were trying to convey. How those separate adventures could be related to the plot's timeline? If each of them covers different timeline as the events progress, it will work out. However, if you're going to describe the same adventure from different POVs in each of the books, it's bound to get repetitive and boring.

    Plus, the books with a single POV tend to be a little dull - it limits the extent of things you can describe, if you don't use third person omniscient (that's not the case in your books). Having multiple POVs is also entertaining, because the way, multiple characters tackle the same problem can be amusing.

    I liked the way your books are constructed at the moment. Both in HA and NC there were 2 major characters and a handful of supporting ones. The interactions between the 2 leads were fun to read, and readers could choose between them, who they relate to the most. Moreover, the supporting characters brought life to the story.

    Commented on: April 3, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    It's nice of you to remember Leif. He's a minor character, but he'll have his moments later on - I'm not going to forget about him. As for the epic battle, you'd have to make an epic reading spree to reach it (yes, there will be epic battle and several duels) - after all, the book consists of 75 chapters long (or 76). However, there will be plenty of action in the meantime.

    Thank you for reviewing. I hope to see your comments on the next chapters soon ;-)

    Commented on: April 3, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Yes! You appreciate the effort I put into important stuff instead of being concerned, who May will date - thank you very much (and thanks for the comment).

    Commented on: April 3, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for commenting. It’s great to have you review again!

    This chapter was supposed to be a nice filler, so you were supposed to be amused ;-)

    As for Aedain, hmm... He might cause May some more trouble.

    Commented on: April 3, 2014

  • A Different Child

    Yay, a corpse.

    I know I should feel sad for this poor chap, but at the same time I think, the hero should see this coming. In general, street racing is very dangerous and irresponsible - professional drivers has special suits and helmets, that ensure minimum safety. Without such protective measures, racing is plainly idiotic. I thought, hero was smarter and more responsible than that. Plus, what he did shows his immaturity.

    Taking Caiden along was an unforgivable crime in my eyes - it was so neglectful, that I can't forgive it. I feel like a dead friend on the hero's conscience is a fine payment for such foolish deed and I don't feel sorry for hero at all. He let me down. I feel sorry for Caiden though. The poor boy had a horrible scare and the death of one of the racers might cause a trauma for life.

    Commented on: April 2, 2014

  • A Different Child

    Once again, randomly inserted Japanese words. Nicoletta surely fell in love quickly ;-) I suppose that Caiden has this impact on people (although I would be Caiden - resistant probably, I prefer smart kids). So far, the bonds with the hero, his mom and girlfriend have been established. I'm under the impression that the hero's dad is a little left out - shouldn't he has his chapter too?

    Commented on: April 2, 2014

  • A Different Child

    Is... is Caiden still in diapers? It's very odd that he doesn't have the proper bladder control yet, even considering the fact that he's not developing as fast as a regular, healthy child. I imagine, it had to awfully awkward and embarrassing to have Nicoletta look at Caiden's eggs and sausage. Since he "inherited" the understanding of complex words from his previous life, he should have a sense of shame too.

    Commented on: April 2, 2014

  • A Different Child

    Hmm... what can I say about Nicoletta? I liked Sarah better - she had much more life and energy in her. Nicoletta is too nice and kind. I'm under the impression that she's a bit bland and too perfect. She is like an angel and it seems that she can't make a mistake like a regular human being.

    Commented on: April 2, 2014

  • A Different Child

    Engage!

    The Star Trek reference was hilarious. It made me grin.

    Wooing a girl using a kid for a bait? That's low, hero... Actually, our hero is quite a naughty young man, isn't he? That was a cheap, dirty trick. But it worked. Since Caiden likes Nicoletta, everything should be fine.

    Commented on: April 2, 2014

  • A Different Child

    I quite enjoy reading about the hero's mother interacting with Caiden - it flashes out her character, what is new and refreshing. Besides, it gives insight in the family dynamics in the hero's family.

    Although, I found her comment that the hero can choose from a plenty of girls, disturbing. Sure, Sarah behaved the wrong way and apparently, she isn't the right girl for the hero, but instilling the previously mentioned conviction in Caiden might be harmful in the future. It may lead to him thinking that he has the priority in all of the hero's relationship and once the hero finds a partner for a long-lasting relationship, Caiden may feel rejected and even boycott such relationship. Besides, it may help create negative attitude toward the girls in the future, instilling the thinking that every partner is temporary and replacable.

    Commented on: April 2, 2014

  • A Different Child

    Another chapter filled with fluff and the adorable child. It was nice to find out that Caiden gets along with his new family, especially with the hero's parents. I get the sense that everything is the way it should be.

    Again, aside from all the adorable stuff, nothing dramatic happened in this chapter, what makes the pace of the story drop. Be careful not to fall into the trap of boredom.

    Commented on: April 2, 2014

  • A Different Child

    It was quite a heart-warming chapter. It was nice, but the tension started to drop - I sense a need for some action/drama really soon.

    There was a moment when the hero (I still can't pronounce and remember his name) said the word "diagnosis" to Caiden. It's a difficult word and I believe, a little child wouldn't understand it. Does the fact that Caiden was an adult in his previous life has some influence?

    Commented on: April 2, 2014

  • A Different Child

    The moment the hero slapped Sarah, he lost a certain dose of respect - violence is not fine, and making excuses for it is even worse. It doesn't matter how mean Sarah was.

    Another thing, Caiden calling his big bro "oniichan". So it happens that I am familiar with this word, but a large group of readers may simply not know what it means. If you chose to write your book in English, you should stick to this language.

    Commented on: April 2, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    What a funny chapter!

    Right from the start, Xavier was super creepy (the comment about Bianca being hot, later about her being smart enough not to trust him). It seems to me that the twelve-year old boy (sorry, he's fourteen) is driven by hormones ;-) I just hope he doesn't end up as a rapist...

    The narration in this chapter was extremely awkward, in a teenage-crush fashion. Plus, it was confusing at times, because Xavier wanted to mess with the readers. It was unusual, but distinctive.

    The news from Draida got me interested. I knew about one zombie, but why are zombies all over the place? Did the necromancer go wild and ventured on some zombie-making spree? I suspect that Bianca's and Michael's mission will be about a little more than just Jason's life. Perhaps they'll have to prevent the "zombification" of Draida's inhabitants.

    Anyway, that was a good chapter - I'm curious what new info Calvin has. One more thing - how are the next chapters doing?

    Commented on: April 2, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I loved how Bianca blurted out that Jason is her boyfriend, and Michael corrected her right away. It was hilarious!

    The idea with going on the library quest was great - I always enjoy search for knowledge instead of beating the needed information out of someone. The Odom...ians (how do you call the citizens of Odom?) are a strange folk, like fairies. I mean... they like books! More, the little kids are excited to read them. Wow, is this heaven? Anyway, I liked it quite a lot.

    Now enough with the sugarcoating. In this chapter, the plot is still interesting and funny. However, the pace starts to slow down and the excitement about the book plummets. So far, it was very good. The first chapters of NC started lightly, gradually building the tension. Afterwards, there was a lot happening and I found myself glued to the screen of my laptop, for the chapters were intense. Now the pace is dropping. If it's only for one or two chapters, it's fine, but if it's for more than that, the readers' interest may plummet as well.

    Commented on: April 2, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    First of all, Bianca told Michael about Mary, even though she was hesitant to do that before. It's a bit weird - he didn't even ask, who Mary was. Michael was far too calm about Bianca's idea to listen to some suspicious lady.

    Second one, setting her misadventure with dying at 16 aside, Bianca should be 46 now. That's not so old. My mom is much older and she still remembers how her friends from high school looked like. It's not as if Bianca was a century older than everyone around ;-)

    Having the characters read the book about themselves is odd, but funny. I wonder who the mysterious villain might be. My best guess is Noah. He has to have some vital role in the book and he'd make a fine evil guy.

    Oh, overall the chapter was good. There wasn't much action, it was rather slow-paced, but still entertaining.

    Commented on: April 2, 2014

  • Gifted

    No! That was the worst cliffhanger ever. I was waiting for this encounter for a really long time and now I have to wait longer ;-( Anyway, it was a nice way to keep the tension up.

    First of all, I was about to complain about the title of the chapter. If I remember well, there was a title like that before. However, I suspect that it might have been the chapter, where Carey and 256 part ways. If so, the similar titles would be okay and even a fine idea.

    The rebels' POV was very good - exciting, the pace was quick, there was a lot of action. Thomas strikes me as a bit whiny character - but that might be a personal preference (I prefer feisty, tough characters like Samantha). Raegan is becoming even more suspicious with every chapter, although it was strange how easily he killed that Gifted - a spy wouldn't kill his accomplices just like that. Cracks begin to show in one of my theories. Anyway, I'm still curious, what he's up to. Maybe he switched sides? And is a double agent now?

    Now about 256's POV. 3349 (did I get it right this time?) is an unbearable bxxch as always. She's really unlikable and I'll be genuinely glad when someone kills her. I'm actually relieved that 805 is injured and not armed properly - I cheer for Janelle's group a little more. Although, I don't want 805 to die before I learn about his adventurous and romantic past (and if he's someone's father).

    I'm about to blackmail you into posting the next chapter. I have so many ideas about how the encounter between Carey and 256 will look like, that I won't even start writing them down ;-) However, I believe, both will live afterwards, and perhaps will cooperate. Of course, Raegan's secret must stir some trouble too.

    Commented on: April 2, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thank you for another lovely comment.

    It's great that one of the villains is so likeable ;-) I just hope that Zhawn and his minions won't get more popular than the good guys.

    As for the character being dead or alive, I won't disclose any details. However, as a teaser, I'll betray you that someone might not come home at the end of the book.

    Commented on: April 1, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    I know I neglected Leif. Unfortunately, there isn't enough space in book 1 to develop him more and I'm aware, he's mainly a decoration. Initially, he wasn't even supposed to be in the ending of the book. However, I figured out that he should be at least shown, so that the readers wouldn't forget, he exists. He'll play a bigger part in the sequel. Besides, Aedain stole his spotlight ;-)

    Thanks for the review!

    Commented on: April 1, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Oh no, you got addicted! Well, it's better to get addicted to books than drugs or alcohol ;-)

    Thanks for the kind praise and the review. Some of the stuff is pretty cliche, I admit, but it's the best way to squeeze some tears from the girls. For some reason, we like those over-used patterns.

    I'm also glad you found the interaction between the sisters believable.

    Commented on: April 1, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for spotting the mistakes. I use American English, but since it was British English, I was familiar with in my childhood, I tend to mix them sometimes (unfortunately). If you find any other glitch like that, feel free to tell me the difference, because I might just not know which form to use.

    Commented on: March 31, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    The thing about being a Laismaran and dragon is comparable to you being a human and an American. You can be both at the same time (probably).

    And thanks for commenting.

    Commented on: March 31, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for all the reviews.

    As for May not breaking her leg, there was a lot of mud. Besides, you don't get your bones shattered every time when a horse chooses to squash your leg under its body. I used to ride when I was younger, so I know from my personal experience. I got tramped on several times and fell off more them 20 times, but it's not like with the guy who played Superman and then suddenly was paralyzed. In other words, that stunt has been tried out by yours truly ;-)

    Commented on: March 31, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I loved the idea for the narration in this chapter, although it's the first time something like this happened (I suspect you're not planning on making Lizabeth a regular character like Calvin or Skylos). I have a weakness for this "outsider's POV", so I found it interesting and entertaining, especially when Micheal got labeled as a "brother".

    It was also a fine way to remind your readers that there is a character named Noah. Actually, he intrigues me the most. You introduced him somewhere near the end of Hunting Amaatlik and I expected him to play a vital role in the Necromancer's Curse. Instead, there were only a couple of references to him. I wonder if he's going to be a regular character like Bianca or if he'll only make a brief appearance. My other suspicion is that he'll be very important in the third novel (will there be a third novel?). Anyway, I still remember him.

    Commented on: March 30, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Huh? What connection does the orisk have to Michael? Why the heck is he treating Mikey like some king? Hmm... Maybe Joe is someone from Hunting Amaatlik. My first suspect was Xavier, but Bianca mentioned, the bones didn't belong to a human, what leaves not many creatures. Calvin? I doubt Calvin would act so obsequiously toward Mickey. Crapbaskets, I feel like a detective, who sucks at work.

    Anyway, it's very nice of Joe to help them. I was already expecting this, but I'm still feeling suspicious that skeleton. I didn't forget Mary - she's shady as well. I wonder if Odon is a good direction.

    Commented on: March 30, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I absolutely agree with Michael's way of thinking about Bianca and untrustworthy people.

    The development with the bones is a bit weird, but I quite like it. I wonder if the orisk will be good or bad. Or maybe it will appear good, will help the kids, but in the end it will turn out, it's evil. That way Bianca will learn her lesson about not trusting everyone. Somehow I really want her to get a wake-up call - she's a bit like all those reckless girls, who don't listen to others and then get pregnant with some douchebag's babies. I hope Bianca won't end up like this.

    Anyway, it was a nice chapter. So far, I don't have any major complaints. The writing style is rather good, the pacing excellent and the plot interesting. It's good to have a female character this time.

    Commented on: March 30, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I wonder what intentions the shady lady from the graveyard has. Mary seems to be a nice and helpful person, but I don't quite trust her. Actually, after the mess with Amaatlik, I don't trust any new characters in this novel. Gosh, I'm behaving just like Michael - I really can relate to him. Anyway, I can't shake off the feeling, that Bianca will have to learn the lesson to stop being so naive.

    What intrigued me was the middle of nowhere. Is it a place or is it more like being thrown to another dimension? I guess I'll have to read more chapters than planned, because that was a nice cliffhanger - good job.

    Now about the novel in general (at least about the first part of it). It surprised me that Jason is not the hero of this book - instead, the protagonists are Bianca and Michael. It's strange, but refreshing and I have positive feelings toward the idea.

    As for the chapter, I complained about, it doesn't fit well into the surrounding chapters. Of course, you're the author, but I'll be daring to present my suggestion - you can throw it out and there won't be any damage to the plot.

     

    Commented on: March 30, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Yay! There is action at the end of the chapter.

    Overall, this chapter was surprisingly serious compared to its predecessors, but I liked it nonetheless. It served well explaining why Michael is such a gloomy party pooper in the sequel (even more than in the first novel). The dialog between him and Bianca was really good and sounded naturally.

    Skylos is awesome as usually. When he told the others to start writing their wills, I laughed - for some reason it was funny.

    What caught my attention - the captain of Kraken is quite a nice man. Proposing marriage to Bianca is a very generous offer given the circumstances. Your world has no real threats to girls, huh? Well, it's a nice change from the real one.

    Commented on: March 30, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Hmm... I have mixed feelings about this chapter. Maybe it's because I read Hunting Amaatlik very recently, but the summary of the entire book no 2 felt redundant to me. Usually, when people read sequels, more or less they remember what happened in book no 1. The previous chapters were interesting, filled with bizarre action and humor. They matched each other, whereas this chapter is odd (and not in the good way). The summary wasn't very attention-grabbing and it made the pace slow down (up to this point, it was very good). I'm sorry to say this, but this chapter bored me. I was under the impression that you threw it here as a filler, because you wanted to have a nice number of chapters and you were one chapter short and out of ideas.

    Sorry if I was harsh, but you wanted honesty.

     

     

    Commented on: March 29, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Um... I didn't think that the suggestive topic from this chapter is that much of taboo for teenagers, since it's more about human biology (like giving birth) than indiscreet baby-making activities. Girls are familiar with it when they are quite young. I remember it being taught in biology class when I was about 12, so I figured out boys won't view it as a taboo either. However, it's only fair that I issue a warning for all who don't want to read about the wonders of female body.

    Thinking of warnings, feel yourself warned about the chapters called "Captured" and the ones that follow it. There will be plenty of blood and violent scenes later on (death scenes).

    As for Aedain's dad, almost everyone like their dads, at least a little.

    Commented on: March 29, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for the review. The grammar tips were helpful.

    Baltar as a double agent? Hmm... Not a bad idea.

    About napping while walking? You never did that? It looks like a classic zombie walk. You need to have a good sense of balance and be extremely tired.

    I'm glad you found that almost-holding-hands situation funny; I was targeting such reaction.

    Commented on: March 29, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Great! You noticed how awfully nice May is (I'm happy because I added this part recently).

    As for Aedain realizing anything, I wouldn't count on him doing that quickly - thinking is not his forte, as you may have noticed ;-)

    I get what you mean about the innuendos - I have the same problem sometimes and I find it rather positive. At least I have more reasons to laugh.

    Again, thanks for reviewing.

    Commented on: March 29, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    You really root for Nesrin to abandon the dark side, don't you? She's a nice person, I admit ;-) But I think that of all my characters, I even like Zhawn and sometimes root for him (not too much though, I've got to remember he's the villain).

    Thanks for commenting!

    Commented on: March 29, 2014

  • Gifted

    Exciting!

    It looks like the long-awaited reunion is about to take place really soon. I'm extremely curious what will happen once 256 meets Carey again. I honestly hope that he'll join the rebels, but something tells me it won't be as simple.

    It seems to me that Carey is beginning to get used to her new "friends". She's starting to feel less like an outsider. I doubt that she'll go back to her family. After being a member of a rebel SWAT team, living on a farm will be not very interesting. Anyway, the scene with Carey gaining info on the Gifted was well-written and fairly interesting. The pace seemed to be a bit slower, but it's okay since there was a lot happening in the previous chapters.

    The whole "Gifted-sensing" gave me an idea that sparked another theory (no, 805 has enough suspected children already). That time when Carey was under the impression that Raegan saw her... What if he didn't see her, but rather sense her? Maybe he's Gifted too, and he could sense the other Gifted? This theory has a plenty of holes in it, but it's fun to come up with such crazy stuff ;-)

    I'm waiting eagerly for the next chapter.

    Commented on: March 29, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Erik's mother is dead - he's an orphan (but that was in the beginning of the book). 

    Thanks for the review! (if you have some grammar mistakes to point out, don't be shy)

    Commented on: March 29, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Hmm... zombies may have some brain damage.

    Don't worry about the sugarcoating; once I find something I don't like, I'll let you know. So far the book is pretty good, considerably better than the previous one.

    Commented on: March 29, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    That was wonderfully messed up - Anthony seemed to be good. Then it turned out he's a bad pirate only to reveal that he's good Skylos. And all in only a couple of paragraphs. Nice twist; I was wondering what was wrong with Anthony, but I didn't expect him to be Skylos.

    At the beginning of the chapter Bianca used the word "stupid" twice and it sounded a bit repetitive, as though her vocabulary was very limited.

    So far, Michael is my favorite character (except Skylos). He's pretty smart, has no so common common sense and I find it easy to relate to him. In fact, I relate to him more than to Bianca, who is a girl (!). At this point in the novel, Bianca is quite naive and sometimes a little dumb. I think she would make a perfect match with Jason.

    Commented on: March 28, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    It's amusing that the characters actually know about the novel; the jokes were much funnier that way.

    It's great that the old characters are coming back. Now that Calvin is about to reappear, I'm still waiting for Xavier - he was a nice kid.

    Although I don't expect Skylos or Calvin to betray Michael at this point, I'm almost sure I'm wrong. Usually when everything seems nice and clear in your novel, something happens that makes me say a confused "Eh?"

    Maybe someone else is messing with Jason and Michael? There is a villain in this story, right? I suspect he'll show up after a half of the chapters, like Amaatlik.

    Commented on: March 28, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Another nice chapter.

    It was quite a treat for me as it featured my favorite character. It was a bit weird (but also interesting) that Mickey and Bianca found Skylos in a shelter. Seriously, who puts a talking sailor dog in shelter? Anyway, it's nice that he joined the team.

    It's somewhat easy to resurrect someone in your book - honestly, I expected Jason to go on a quest of some sorts, team up with some evil necromancer or at least to perform an overly complicated ritual. Oh, well, Bianca is alive now. Good for her.

    I feel sorry for Michael. He's the reasonable one, he does his best and he gets little recognition. At least Bianca stopped calling him Jason's sidekick - that was harsh.

    Commented on: March 28, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    I like your idea for the plot. Are you a seer perhaps?

    About the confusing magical stuff, it will become very clear in chapter no 51, so please hang on!

    Thank you for reviewing, by the way. I'll get to NC in a while.

    Commented on: March 28, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for the review!

    You're right, Aedain is trying hard to impress May with his abs (and it's apparently working).

    As for the map, I'm still counting on the site's administrators and I hope to upload it in the future. Without it, it may get a little confusing.

    I enjoyed you pointing out the mistakes - not necessarily giving very long lectures, but at least mentioning what kind of mishaps and typos you noticed.

    Commented on: March 28, 2014

  • Carriers

    A new character! Jess is surely interesting, fierce. She may be an unusual addition to Shay's group (if all of them manage to pitch in). However, she's a bit crazy and creepy. I feel sorry for her though - killing her little siblings was utterly horrible. It seems that world went crazy since the outbreak of the blue plague. Executing the Carriers without a trial is... harsh, but killing people, who were harboring the "criminals" is pure bestiality. It's sad and shocking that a government of a civilized country starts doing such gruesome things.

    Carson is still being cool and my hatred for the government rises steadily. I wait anxiously for the final showdown. I hope that Shay and Carson will survive the ordeal.

    I believe that's enough reading for tonight.

     

    Commented on: March 27, 2014

  • Carriers

    Shay's dream at the beginning of the chapter was a nice touch - it would be strange for her NOT to have any bad dreams when her best friend is dead and boyfriend kidnapped.

    Axel gains more of my sympathy, his character gets developed gradually and he becomes more 3-D ;-)

    I also liked weaving the fragments of the article from the newspaper - it was a fine storytelling device. Actually, the last few chapters were very entertaining and weren't monotone at all. Lots was happening, both regarding the everlasting fight with the government agents and the internal conflict. Thumbs up!

    Commented on: March 27, 2014

  • Carriers

    Rescuing Carson with only Axel by her side may prove difficult for Shay. However, I think that the others may create a distraction in the right time. I suspect that Katrina will play her part in freeing Carson one way or another.

    At this point of the story, I feel sorry both for Shay and for the entire group. However, breaking them up was a splendid idea - earlier, I thought they'll stay together until the end. By bringing tension into the group, you made the plot much more believable and complex. It turns out that the government agents aren't the Carriers' only enemies. The enemies in their own ranks may prove even more dangerous than the outsiders.

    I wonder how Carson is doing.

    Commented on: March 27, 2014

  • Carriers

    I wasn't expecting Shay to lose her leadership, especially to Laylia. By the way, Laylia became a very distinctive character. Moreover, it's very refreshing to have a villain in the Carriers' ranks - it makes the storyline even more interesting. I felt sorry for Shay, but I'm siding with Katrina on that Shay wouldn't be so eager to save Owen or anyone other than Carson. It's a brutal truth, unfortunately.

    Although Laylia's quest for power was an exciting development, I worry for Carriers. Shay was quite stern, but she is a far better leader than Laylia could ever become. Plus, I don't understand why anyone would willingly become a leader of a group, that is destined to die sooner or later. It's a lot of responsibility, tough decisions and guilt. Laylia is not ready for this.

    Commented on: March 27, 2014

  • Carriers

    Oh? That slip-up about killing off a half of Earth's population interested me. However, it would be not plausible. The kids are on the run for too short. Many countries are hard to reach and infect the majority of the citizens - spreading the virus in the whole Africa, Arabic counties and China would take months. People there are not as mobile as the ones in the USA and Europe.

    Well, I think I'll refrain from complaining for know - after all it was just a teaser ;-)

    Anyway, Carson was very cool in this scene - almost like captured James Bond. It was great to read a chapter from his point of view.

    Commented on: March 27, 2014

  • Carriers

    It was nice to get to "Carriers" after a while.

    The kids' situation is getting worse by the chapter and the crisis in this one was really nasty. What was very positive in this chapter, it brought out the other characters. Finally, I'm beginning to fully grasp what kind of people are the ones aside the "great trio". Especially Laylia got her five minutes in this chapter, but didn't gain my sympathy. Katrina, on the other hand, gave off a good impression - despite her easy-going nature, she was responsible enough to step up as a next leader.

    It was hm... not entirely nice of Shay to pretend she was dead, but at least she knows now, who should she groom to become the next leader. I was very relieved to discover, she was alive - after all, she's my favorite character. Killing off Marena was a good move, although I liked her character. Thanks to that, my fear for Shay got real - now I'm not sure if she's going to make it until the end of the book.

    Commented on: March 27, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for reviewing (again)!

    I pity Baltar and Lavena too... Blatar isn't that bad, huh?

    As for Nesrin, you might be right about her (or not).

    Duke Royse is pretty insane. Well, he wasn't a reasonable man from the beginning. After all, he let Zhawn into his castle.

    Commented on: March 27, 2014

  • A Different Child

    Yep, the story is much better than previously - it's entertaining and makes me want to read the next chapter to find out if there's something wrong with Sarah (I think there is).

    Commented on: March 27, 2014

  • A Different Child

    An evil girlfriend is quite an interesting twist, especially that no one seems to want to believe Caiden. You learnt your lesson - there is a considerable amount of heart-warming fluff, but the obstacles raise the tension in the book.

    Commented on: March 27, 2014

  • A Different Child

    Good! There was some action and drama! The story suddenly became much more interesting.

    Commented on: March 27, 2014

  • A Different Child

    From my point of view, it's quite implausible that Caiden would live with the hero. Adopted children (or foster kids) usually live with their parents/legal guardians. That would be the hero's parents. Usually the kids are given to married couples. If you want a plausible explanation why a little boy is living with his big brother instead of with the parents, here's the suggestion:

    1. Ys..(the hero)'s parents adopt Caiden. (not a foster care, but adoption). Since Caiden has Alexandria surname, I suspect it's already the case.

    2. The hero is already an adult.

    3. The parents die and the big brother may become a legal guardian, granted he has his own income.

    Commented on: March 27, 2014

  • A Different Child

    So far, the story makes sense and the characters behave in an explainable way. The supernatural stuff is still a little confusing, but it's very good that it gets explained more with every chapter.

    Commented on: March 27, 2014

  • A Different Child

    The scene where the hero finds Caiden feels a bit rushed. I'd advise to extend it a little, add some uncertainty and tension. To make the readers wonder what was the strange noise, what (or who) caused it, if the hero is in danger.

    Commented on: March 27, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for the kid comment. The rest of the chapters will be uploaded slowly but surely (at least once a week, probably more often).

    Commented on: March 27, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Good, that scene was supposed to be funny (sort of), even though Aedain was snacking on poor kidnapped guys. Have fun with reading the rest of the chapters.

    Thanks for reviewing!

    Commented on: March 27, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    "(he failed to bring Bianca's sister, Alexander, back)" I thought Alexander was Bianca's brother.

    I also don't think that they have GPS or satellites in Draida, so Michael mentioning GPS was weird.

    Overall it was a fine chapter with a bit of grim foreshadowing at the end - it looks like the solely amusing part is going to end soon and the villain of the book will finally appear.

    The scene with Michael, Amisto and disco ball was very good and humorous. The rest of the chapter was dynamic and the "evil twin" reference made me laugh for some reason. For now, the chapters are way better than "Hunting Amaatlik" - the structure is better, they're more consistent. Thumbs up!

    Commented on: March 27, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Now that was... odd. However, it was odd in a positive way. I expected Jason to be like himself, only madly and artificially in love. I didn't suspect that he'll get a split personality from drinking the love potion, but that's an interesting twist. I wonder how Jason will wriggle himself out of this weird situation.

    The view on love was interesting, but a bit mortifying for people in love. Am I going to die?! That was amusing. Now a pop-culture alert! Did Shakespeare live somewhere near Draida? Did those people read his works or see them performed on a stage? If not, a reference to Romeo and Juliet shouldn't be there - it's a nasty fantasy trap.

    Commented on: March 27, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    All hail the reviewer (that is thank you for the review).

    You don't have to explain thoroughly all of the mistakes. Most of them are familiar to me and are a product of slipping concentration on writing, not lack of knowledge. I appreciate it though - you enlightened me about quite a number of things (like the girl-problem).

    Commented on: March 27, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Fish and marine mammals are capable of drowning.

    I'm glad that someone is enjoying the political aspect of the story instead of the kissy-stuff. Maybe the demons will recreate their country after over 100 years of not existing on the map (like my country).

    And, of course, thank you for reviewing.

    Commented on: March 27, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Gosh, it took me a while to do all the edits, you suggested. You were quite nit-picky, even for you (thanks!).

    As for the stare reserved for worms, it's not a Polish expression. It's supposed to be funny.

    Commented on: March 27, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    What a nice chapter. It was quite light and pleasant to read.

    I'm glad you tied the loose ends quickly - I mean the stuff about Bianca not being able to leave the place of her death and her visit on the island. Moreover, having a character, who is a ghost, is a terrific idea. I enjoy Bianca's POV the most, because of the tine details about her life as a ghost.

    The beast-situation was more amusing than scary, especially when the beasts were so dumb to reveal their weakness (almost). In that part of the chapter I got the impression that "freaked out" was used too frequently - you might want to take a look and see if you could replace it with a synonym.

    Jason's ideas to woo Bianca were quite cliche and juvenile, but I guess, that is expected of the teenagers ;-) I wonder if Jason will succeed in his newest mission to revive Bianca. Considering that the title of the book has a necromancer in it, the plot will get interesting and perhaps a little dark.

    Commented on: March 27, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for commenting.

    I wish there was an option to add a high resolution image, because it's only natural that you're confused about the dukedoms. Without the map before my eyes, I would be confused as hell too ;-)

    Commented on: March 24, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for the review!

    It's pretty obvious at this point that Aedain has a crush on the heroine, huh? You're right, it would take him an awful lot to squeeze some love out of May - I'm not a fan of Stockholm syndrome. Perhaps if he haven't tried to choke her to death...

    Anyway, thanks again and have fun discovering what trouble May got herself into.

    Commented on: March 23, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for the review!

    I never get upset when you point out the grammatical shortcomings, so don't stop doing that please - it's a great help.

    Leif's affection is pretty obvious, isn't it?

    (the flash/skin is black when there is necrosis)

    Commented on: March 23, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I want to do some disco ball divination too! Michael's POV was so gloomy, that I began suspecting, he's suffering from Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. Probably it's true, given what he's been through. Anyway, I liked how you summarized what happened to the other important characters (Calvin, Xavier and his parents) - it was very brief, but it served its purpose.

    According to my newest theory, Amisto is evil. It's strange how Amaatlik was telling Michael that all good people are evil, leaving Amisto out of it... definitely suspicious. Anyway, don't give me any spoilers please.

    It's sad that Jason suddenly lost his love for Bianca. The solution with the love potion isn't the best and I'm curious how it will play out. I think Bianca has no clue that Alex gave the love potion to Jason. Will she notice that something is off? She would have to be as dumb as her potential boyfriend not to notice.

    Technical issues: I believe you called Amisto "Amaatlik" once (near the end of the chapter).

     

    Commented on: March 21, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    Oh my, Jason fell in Bianca's love trap - Alex tricked him into consuming the love potion!

    First, I'm glad that Jason's POV is as amusing as it was in Hunting Amaatlik. I would miss it. Anyway, the chapter was light and humorous - it's a very relaxing way to start a book and feels a bit like a romantic comedy right now. The dialogs were well-written and I adored the moment, Alex corrected Jason when he called biscuits cookies. It was a great link to the previous chapter.

    I hope this conclusion isn't premature, but I'm getting the impression as if the quality of your writing is better than in Hunting Amaatlik. The dialogs seem to be better thought out.

     

    Commented on: March 21, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    As for the Spear, all that has been explained so far, is that it's awesome and powerful (and everybody wants it). The details are vague at this point of the plot.

    About the geography,

    Lavena's home is situated at the border of three Dukedoms: Farn (May's current home), Dulheim and Rimmisth. Unfortunately, there are a bunch of details and I didn't get the opportunity to upload the map (yes, there is one). Without it, navigating through the Callesmere Empire may get confusing.

    Thanks for the reviews. I'll try to get to Carriers as soon as possible - I saw you added ten chapters or so. I'm trying to make my way through the reviews I owe.

    Commented on: March 21, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for the review. It's a very belated thanks.

    The balding eagle will return.

    And you're right about Aedain's intelligence - he's not the smartest around (and Baltar is a complete idiot). Having both muscles and brains would be too much for those two ;-)

    Commented on: March 21, 2014

  • The Necromancer's Curse

    I finally get to review the sequel!

    My first impression is positive. The opening chapters started not so epic for the fist one in the book, but the nice flashback explaining how Bianca became a ghost made me change my mind - it's fine. I'm pleasantly surprised that the narrator was Bianca (as a girl I feel satisfied). I hope she'll play a bigger part in the story.

    I noticed that the narration is slightly different - it's still first person, but past tense now. I find it more enjoyable and more fluent.

    This chapter lacked the wacky humor from Hunting Amaatlik, and it makes me wondering if the style of the book would be different.

    Now about the content. Being a young aunt must be weird ;-) Bianca has some "un-aunt-like" problems with the boys. The way she described her heart problems to Alex seemed a bit awkwardly worded - I have the impression that the girls don't say it like that. Other than that, no complaints here.

    The flashback was a real treat, it made me feel really sorry for Bianca. It was also a nice trick to make the character likeable in a flash.

     

    Commented on: March 21, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thank you for the lovely review.

    As for the demons, your reaction to them is right. They are somewhere between ordinary douche bags and evil incarnated. They have a just cause, but not from the humans' point of view. I'm glad that they didn't come out as two pieces of cardboard.

    Commented on: March 21, 2014

  • Gifted

    It was great to have the opportunity to read more chapters at once. But it sucks that I've read the last one so quickly.

    This chapter was strangely heartwarming and 805 was behaving even more suspicious. I'm not very fond of the suicidal sub-plot when it comes to 256 and 805, so it made me want to smack both with a shovel. However, the bonding time was great. Those two surely have a lot in common; nevertheless 805 is behaving too affectionate, fueling my theory from my last review. I expected him to at least scold 256 for his action. Instead, he was awfully calm and kept ruffling 256's hair. If he's not his dad, it's creepy ;-)

    Commented on: March 21, 2014

  • Gifted

    The mystery of Raegan deepens... You tend to take readers on a rollercoaster ride regarding that character. In one chapter you drop a hint that he's suspicious as hell, only to throw in a heart-breaking story in the next one. His sad memories could make me feel sorry for him, but I suspect they might be fabricated. I don't trust that guy no matter how nice he seems.

    I hope Janelle won't get herself in trouble because of her feelings... Who am I kidding? Of course she will ;-) My theory: she'll fall in love with him, he'll reveal himself as a traitor and then she'll be heartbroken.

    Now a bit about Carey. I like how you mention awkward aspects of her talent. It seems that being invisible is cool, but I never actually considered how does it feel when you can't see the body.

    Commented on: March 21, 2014

  • Gifted

    How exciting!

    The encounter met my expectations, it was a very emotional scene. Weasley snatched my sympathy right away - he appeared as a caring and loving brother, somewhat thirsty for revenge. However, he remained likeable and his rather violent actions were justified. As for 256, the way he tried to reason with Weasley was great, but he became a bit whiny after a while. Fortunately, 805 arrived just in time to spice up the atmosphere.

    256's reaction to 805 attacking Wealey was fantastic; it made me root and cheer for the boy. I felt proud - he found the courage to do what was right and openly defy the rules, even though he was very aware of the consequences. I'm a bit worried about him now, but my faith in him rose, so I believe he'll be fine.

    Now, it's time for a crazy theory for this chapter and one before. 805 seemed a bit too relieved to see 256 alive. I know he might be emotional and feels responsible for some people, but his reaction was odd... as though it was about not almost a stranger, but someone close... like a family member... like a son? Hmm... I guess that 805 just became a suspected father for another of the characters ;-)

    Commented on: March 21, 2014

  • Gifted

    Oh no! It's Carey's brother, right? 256 will have a tough moral choice in the next chapter. Now back to this one. 805 gets more likeable, even though he's a violent person (or that is the reason I like him more). He showed his passion for the woman he loved and that was quite a slip-up on his part. He's lucky that 334..(is that her number?) wasn't around to hear the incriminating conversation. This scene flashed out how young and naive 256 is. Didn't he know that the most important is not to get caught? Anyway, I suspect that the company of 805 will help 256 revise his view on certain matters.

    Now about Carey's part of the story. I feel proud that Janelle admitted in public that she's a mother. I have a bad feeling about Raegan - I think he genuinely likes Janelle and he feels bad because of what he's planning to do (whatever he plans). Now, about this character in general. Since Carey openly thinks there's something not right with him, it's quite safe to assume that he's a bad guy or at least you want the readers to think that. Anyway, you did a great job dropping the hints from the very beginning - ever since he appeared he was suspicious, but it wasn't overly obvious.

    I wonder what secret he hides...

    Commented on: March 21, 2014

  • Gifted

    I very much enjoyed the emotional moment with Janelle - her outburst reminded that even though she's the rebels' leader, she's still just a regular human. The contrast between her and Samantha builds nice dynamics in the story. At this point, I have the impression that Carey is more of an observer/outsider than a part of this group, but I suppose it should be this way.

    Mr 805 is surely an intriguing character. I despised him from the beginning and I find his reasoning hypocritical, but there's a depth in him. I'm anxious to find out what was the deal with Michelle and what secrets from his past he hides.

    256 is a little bleak in the recent chapters. I noticed that, like Carey in the rebels' group, 256 assumed a role of an observer. He seems less active than earlier in the story. Perhaps 805 stole his spotlight.

    Commented on: March 21, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for the review! No worries about owing me a bunch of those - I understand that when you're focused on your writing, the world could collapse around you and you would hardly notice ;-) Now, seriously, I'm currently busy with the last chapter and I'm behind on reading your chapters as well.

    I'm like that you like the demons, even though they're a pair of nasty douche bags. I'm also glad that you noticed the evolution of May's character.

    Once again, thanks for the review. Read again when you'll have time.

    Commented on: March 5, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for the reviews.

    As for Zhawn, one of your theories is actually quite close to the truth.

    I'm glad you thought that introducing Hailey to the story was a good call - I had tons of doubts about this. It does give May a stronger motivation though.

    About the possible romantic plot between May and Aedain, my lips are sealed ;-) Perhaps if he didn't gave her the splendid first impression as a psychopath with an intention to commit a genocide on an entire human race, he would have some chance for romance. Oh well, Aedain is definitely about to have even more hard time later on.

     

    Commented on: March 5, 2014

  • Gifted

    This chapter was mainly talk, no action, but it was enlightening. I liked when Carey asked Janelle what is she planning to do after overthrowing the Gifted. I really appreciate that you make your readers think about the bigger picture - getting rid of the current regime is only a tip of the iceberg when it comes to create a functioning society. Considering that nonGifted are ignorant about politics, models of government and history, it seems like an impossible task.

    I suspect that in the future the Council's Library will be on the rebels' list to attack next. It has been mentioned quite a number of times.

    As for the part with 256, it got me thinking and made me a bit sad. Everything indicates that with time the issue with the Gifted has been distorted and twisted. It seems like in the past the Gifted were blessing for all people, able to maybe help with farming, but with time they became power-hungry and cruel. I really wonder what's the whole history behind the Gifted. I also wonder if 256 will find his family (I suspect he won't).

    PS. If you wish to read Mystic Mirror, the corrected chapters and a new one are up.

    Commented on: March 4, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for the lovely review.

    I'm glad you liked the protagonist. I'll surely pick up reading your book where I left, after I finish "Mystic Mirror" (I'm writing the last two chapters now).

    Commented on: March 2, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    I'm glad you're cool with Nesrin (ah, those bad puns).

    As for your theory, I won't tell you if you're right, because I haven't watched FMA.

    Commented on: February 28, 2014

  • Gifted

    Good job! You made Samantha much more likeable in this chapter - her concern for Janelle was heart-warming and gained my sympathy, as well as the fact that Sam uses her brain and is tomboyish. At this point of the story, she's the most relatable character for me. She became much more 3-dimensional and there's more to her than just good fighting skill and ruthlessness (and the biggest body count).

    As for the situation with Raegan, Sam voiced all my concerns and feelings, so there's not much to add. I too think that Janelle should be more careful. Raegan got a tiny bit of my pity as it seems, he had been through some rough times and has some traumatic past. However, I'm still suspicious about his true intentions. My current theory is: at one point he was caught by the Gifted and tortured (hence the traumatic experience), but he agreed to collaborate.

    Sam's tale was very entertaining. It definitely caught my interest. Oh, and it's good that Carey is making friends - it's always the best to befriend the toughest kid on the playground.

    Commented on: February 26, 2014

  • Tripped

    The last two chapters were considerably better than the previous ones. I get the feeling that your writing style is getting better with each chapter. Like I thought, the story was far more enjoyable to read when there were more descriptions (like in this chapter and the one before it). I also loved how Eric explained the wonders of this world to Kota. Discovering a place created by the author's imagination is always fun and this world looks like fun.

    Commented on: February 25, 2014

  • Tripped

    Looks like Kota's boyfriend is a big shot in the another dimension ;-)

    The heroine of your book is likeable and I found it easy to relate to her. She definitely doesn't give off an impression of a damsel in distress, what is very good.

    I think that your story would use a bit more descriptions, as those are rather scarce. Because of that the text feels rushed and overwhelmed by dialogs. If there were more descriptions, it would also help create a more detailed world. (just a friendly tip)

    Commented on: February 25, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    You're not wrong about the alliance. As for the fire dude and May handing the Spear to him, it isn't really that stupid. When a guy points his gun at you and tells you to give him your wallet, you give him the damn wallet.

    Thanks again for commenting and for spotting the mistakes for me. Gosh, you're catching up with the reading. I suppose I should hurry up and upload more chapters (I have about twenty more already done).

    Commented on: February 25, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Yup, the mirrors are fishy. Watch out when you're brushing your teeth ;-)

    I'm glad you liked Hailey - I thought that even a pampered little sister is still a sister. It would be unnaturally cold-hearted of her if she didn't miss May at all.

    Thank you for reviewing!

    Commented on: February 25, 2014

  • Gifted

    Is Samantha's mum German then? Huh, that was cruel.

    As for 3-something-something-something, her name is incredibly difficult to remember. I barely managed to remember 256 and 805, but four digits are too much for my poor synapses. I do understand your point. It makes sense if there are more than under 1000 Gifted.

    Commented on: February 25, 2014

  • Gifted

    Michelle? Hmm, it looks like our dear 805 has some dark, romantic secret. I wonder what Sam's mom's name was... (yes, I'm still voting for the "805 is Sam's dad" theory, at least until I get more info).

    The action was great in this chapter, I was on the edge of my seat. 3... (I don't remember the full number) behaved like a cold-blooded evil woman (I don't want to use vulgar language although she deserves it). I still can't get over how ruthless and heartless the Gifted are, or rather they are supposed to be this way.

    You're doing with 805 exactly the same thing you did with 256. He's evolving from bad to badass. I still remember that he killed that poor woman and that he's a hypocrite, but he gains some redeeming character features with every chapter. At first, I absolutely despised him, but now I'm not feeling so negatively about him - I think I may have judged him too harshly.

    Commented on: February 24, 2014

  • Day and Age

    I wonder if the issue with the predatory man will be important later in the story (I suspect that it will be).

    Sarah told Jake an important and very obvious thing - I wish he would stop comparing himself to Michael at last and start living his own life. I know it's a very cruel thing to say, but I think that Michael's death may be a good thing for Jake - he has a chance to free himself from the shadow of his "better" brother. Actually, I noticed progress already. Jake managed to think of a character trait that was better than Michael's and that's a start.

    I noticed difference in Jake's behavior. He seems to have a proper friendly relationship with Dan now. He seems to be less shy and more sociable too.

    As for Emma, I sense some awkward romance on the horizon...

    Commented on: February 22, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    You're absolutely right that pride was Aedain's problem. As for your theory about him being somehow alive, I'm not going to give any spoilers, just like with Maewyn. I'm glad you found saving Baltar heartwarming - I have weakness to such stuff too ;-) I absolutely adore when someone sacrifices himself, preferably redeeming their character in the process (like Darth Vader).

    Thanks for the reviews and have fun with the next chapters. There are twenty or thirty more left.

    Commented on: February 22, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    You're supposed to dislike the twins, so feel free to do it ;-) As for them, calling them "persons" would be rather far fetched - unlike Nesrin, they don't have much of a personality.

    Thanks for all the wonderful reviews and sorry that it took me so long to get back to you and review your books.

    Commented on: February 22, 2014

  • Gifted

    The dialogs in the first part of the chapter seemed a bit forced to me, as though the characters were saying monologs instead of talking with each other. Nevertheless, Thomas gained more sympathy - he stood up to Samantha and showed that he has some balls. My first impression of him was that he was an apathetic, somewhat bland character and it's nice to see him come to live like a blooming flower. Janelle took the news better than I expected, but then again her kid is Gifted, so it made a lot of sense. I suspect that the main purpose of that scene was to make Thomas more likeable and you succeeded.

    Now, my favorite 256 and his misadventures. I was delighted that there was more bloodshed and action. 805 was absolutely cool (lie Bruce Willis). 256 behaved a little like a lost boy, but it's understandable - after all he had his first serious fight in the Lake village only a couple of days ago. I wonder who the other rebels are.

    Commented on: February 22, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Yes, Aedain doesn't get certain things ;-)

    Good that you found the chase scary - that's exactly what I was aiming for. May was feisty indeed - she even stabbed the [insert a vulgar word describing Aedain]. Anyway, have fun with the next chapters, they will be action-packed and full of surprises.

    Thanks for commenting; it's always nice to wake up and read your reviews in the morning.

    Commented on: February 17, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Hmm... your intuition is far too good. You'll find the reason soon enough.

    As for Erik-May bonding, with Aedain breathing down their necks, it would be hardly any time for it.

    Thank you for reviewing and for spotting the mistakes.

    Commented on: February 17, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    It's a shame you're leaving the site. It was fun reading your story and getting your reviews on mine.

    As for the poor romantic development and everybody still alive, you've read only half of the book - the good part is later on ;-) Even the villain didn't have his chance to make an official appearance. Well, I'm not going to betray who will die (and don't you compare me to Twilight). Perhaps some day you'll read the book ;-)

    Good luck with your story. Once again, it was good to have you here.

    Commented on: February 17, 2014

  • Gifted

    I don't have faith in Raegan at all - there has to be something fishy about him ;-)

    Hmm... tall girls sometimes miss on really great short guys (like my dad - he's really short). As for making fun of us, hobbits, watch out - short people may break your jaw if you make fun of them too much (once again, my peace-loving short dad). Have a nice day! I'll wait for the next chapter to read and revew.

    Commented on: February 17, 2014

  • Gifted

    Nice, my favorite 256 was in this chapter. I'm eagerly awaiting the moment when the Gifted will get attacked again, preferably by the mysterious murderer. 805 seems like a very bitter man - I can relate to him regarding the broken ideals. His character gained a little bit of my sympathy in this chapter. He made a human-like impression. I also loved how 3... was teasing 256 about his height. I giggled when he got called a 12-year-old girl.

    Janelle has a crush on someone... I'm waiting until it turns out that Raegan is an evil [insert a very offensive word here]. I liked her reasoning - it's good to spar with other people than Sam; I'm glad Janelle is becoming a smart girl.

    Overall, it was more of a filler chapter, but the humor (little girl) and appearance of 256 made up for the lack of action. Actually, it's good to take a break from all the drama from time to time.

    Hurry up with the next chapter ;-) Your book sucked me in. If I ever find it in a bookstore, I'll buy it.

    Commented on: February 17, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    It looks like my intuition was right. Ari's story turned out to be far more terrifying than I expected - I was ready for rape and beating, but what you described was inhumane (but plot wise excellent). This chapter was very dramatic and it captured 100% of my attention. Well done!

    The only thing that doesn't seem quite right, is the fact that the psychiatrist told Kayla Ari's story. The doctors are supposed to keep the info on their patients secret (the exceptions are family members); it's unlikely that he would blabber everything to a girlfriend. However, I understand that without it, it would be damn hard to push the plot forward. I doubt that Ari would be willing to share her past with anyone quickly.

    Commented on: February 17, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Got it! I need to fix the description of the tower (it's not made of stone, it's made of plants) and I shall proceed to do so in the due time. I'm happy about your reaction to Aedain's reaction to May's reaction ;-)

    Commented on: February 17, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    First, I sense that something bad may happen soon (I hope).

    Moreover, it was great to read Ari's POV - it was interesting to get an insight in her thoughts, discover how she sees the current situation and even delve into her traumatic past. Kayla's history is bad, but I have an impression, that it may turn out to be not that horrible compared to Ari's past. So, she was molested (probably it was worse than that); I'm curious who was the culprit. My first suspect is someone close to her, like father, stepfather or brother.

    Commented on: February 17, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    I understand Coop's concerns. After all, Kayla is someone who appeared in Ari's life only one week ago - it's quite surprising that they already live together, buy stuff and even made it to the third base. It's impossible to get to know another person in such a short time. If I were Coop, I wouldn't trust Kayla with Ari; someone who professes love after seven days is definitely suspicious (may be a drug dealer too ;-)).

    Commented on: February 17, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for the review. I'm glad you found May's behavior all right.

    About the bonding time, I have the same opinion, but don't have enough place to squeeze such scenes in (I want the book to be of a publishable size).

    Commented on: February 17, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Sure, something bad WILL happen. Otherwise it would be boring.

    As for the places, it's not your fault you don't remember all the places. I need to upload the map (yup, there's a map) - even I get confused about all the rivers, mountains and generally what is where.

    Commented on: February 17, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    This was the best chapter so far, although I was disappointed that Dwayne's visit was just a dream. Nevertheless, there were major developments; the erotic scene was very nice. You didn't go overboard with it and it was detailed enough to describe what was going on there. It was sweet and tender, so I suppose you deserve a praise for it ;-)

    So far, the story is very fluffy, but I feel that it lacks obstacles. Reading about the developing relationship between Ari and Kayla is heartwarming, but doesn't quite keep on the edge of the seat. It would be good if there were some unexpected plot twists, obstacles to overcome, misunderstandings, bloodthirsty murderers - anything that would make readers cheer for the heroine(s).

    Commented on: February 17, 2014

  • The Girl and the Warehouse

    I liked the contrast between Kayla and Ariana. You flashed out both characters well, they have their own distinct personalities and the chemistry between them is just right. I find Kayla quite relatable (I'm rather into motorcycles than pink). Ari is quite intriguing - sometimes she behaves as though as she's mentally handicapped, only to sound like a perfectly normal person. Her naivety and cheerful attitude make her seem pure and innocent, like a child.

    I have an impression that the girls' relationship progresses very quickly.

    The first encounter was written well and Kayla's emotions are depicted nicely.

    Commented on: February 17, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for giving me Skyloses! You know what I like...

    Thank you for the enlightening advice on grammar - I'll have a bit of editing, but I'm glad I'll be able to make the story look a bit better.

    And dragons are cool, aren't they? Just like dinosaurs.

    Commented on: February 16, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    It's really difficult to come up with something absolutely original these days - every possible idea seems to be already discovered (and if you think it isn't, it just means you haven't done a thorough research).

    I'm glad you liked Lavena - she'll have some badass scenes later on.

    Commented on: February 16, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for the review.

    Lavena is a good lady-guy. She helps humans for the same reason why some of the Germans were hiding Jews in their closets during the World War (plus she's part human too).

    You're right about the descriptions - thanks for the tip.

    Commented on: February 16, 2014

  • Carriers

    Shay seemed absent in this chapter. I had an impression that because of grieving, she wasn't herself.

    As for abducting Carson, I suspect that luring Shay away from the group may be a minor reason. Perhaps the government needs the first Carriers to develop an antidote or maybe they just want to do some experiments on them. Anyway, if it was that way, it would perfectly explain why the policemen and the government agents were so ineffective. Snipers or a couple of grenades would do the trick, but it always looked as though they were trying to seize the kids alive for some reason. Hmm... I'm curious what will happen to Carson.

     

    Commented on: February 16, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    A nice epilog. You wrapped the loose ends more or less (I still want to know what happened to Bianca, but I'm glad that you didn't have her throw herself at Jason at the ending). Jason did a brief summary of what "Hunting Amaatlik" was about - how the mission changed him and his friends. It's an often used archetype, but one of my favorites. Anyway, the ending is well-done, considering that there is a sequel to the book.

    Now the review of the entire book. If you have questions, ask away.

    The writing style. The downsides are: the descriptive writing is scarce, sometimes you tend to use the same adjectives and adverbs (you like the word evilly a lot). The style of narration is all right, although the different POVs could be introduced earlier in the story - till the second half of the book there are only tow POVs (Jason and Michael) and then the other ones start appearing. It looks like you planned to make two interjecting POVs, but you changed your mind at certain point. Moreover, Jason's and Michael's POVs don't differ much in the beginning. Later on it's getting much better. Other than that, the narration is fine - it introduces a lot of humor into the story.

    Characters. Some of the characters get developed well from the beginning (Xavier, Jason, Skylos) and some of them are neglected (Calvin). I'll bicker a bit about the lack of female characters in the book - Bianca appears as a bit bland character who's only there to be a love interest ;-( What I liked, was that the manly friendship between Jason and Michael - bromance is always welcomed.

    Villain. Yup, Amaatlik gets a separate paragraph. You coped well with creating a villain for your story. He didn't appear for the most of the time what made him seem mysterious. When he did, it turned out that his forte is manipulation and mind games - I loved that. Fighting him meant really fighting the darkness in one's heart.

    The plot line. The plot was simple: find Alex - find Amaatlik - kill Amaatlik. There were some unexpected plot twists in the story (death of Skylos and his crew, Jason's death, Rex first turning out to be evil, then good) and you get a pat on your back for them, because they saved the plot from being mundane.

    Humor. That was the greatest advantage of "Hunting Amaatlik". The jokes were almost everywhere and brightened my day while I was reading the chapters. The humor is absurd and bizarre at times, but it made reading the book enjoyable. Good job!

    Commented on: February 16, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Hmm... I'm a seer or what? Skylos is back! I knew he's not dead and it was nice of him to show up at the end of the chapter.

    Before I review the chapter's plot, I'll comment on few technical details. First, Christmas and Thanksgiving. Both are Christian holidays and if the action of your book takes place somewhere where people don't know who Jesus is, it's unlikely they would know about Christmas as well. The second thing, the Greek motto. Did you check if it's grammatically correct? Anyway, Amaatlik is not a modest guy if he has a motto on his wall that says something like: "I am the one demon" (I'm not good in Greek).

    Now let's comment on the duel. It was quite different from what I imagined. I expected tension, drama, sacrifice, heroic moments - the usual stuff. Instead, the final encounter with Amaatlik was... bizarre and quite relaxing for an event that could sway the fortunes of many ;-) The bad thing about it was that I didn't get the feeling of sitting on the edge of my seat. The upside was, it was an interesting read and it was different from most of the final battles I read about.

    I was glad that all of the characters got rounded up in Amaatlik's house, even seemingly-dead Skylos. As I thought, Michael got a "joined the dark side" moment. I was a bit frustrated when Jason kept blabbering to Amaatlik about his and his friends' weaknesses - that was not too smart, even for him.

    Overall, the confrontation was well-written and entertaining, although the duel scene wasn't packed with action.

    Commented on: February 16, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Actually, I'm confused. The brief chapter with Noah was nice - it had some action. I miss a bit the humor, I've been waiting for, but still it was interesting enough to keep reading. However, Noah (and everybody else in this chapter) came out of blue. At this point, I fail to see the connection to the rest of the story. I had to go back and check if I'm reading the right story ;-) I suspect that Noah may become a vital character in the sequel and you've introduced him in a teaser-like fashion. The chapter broke the pacing and I'm not entirely sure if it's well. The last chapters were quite intense, full of excitement and tension. If it was your idea to take a "pacing-dive" before the grand final of the book, it's fine.

    Now about Noah as a character. I'm pretty sure it's intended - he seems like a cliche hero - on a mission, has a goal of his own, is a commoner with ambition, but his family doesn't approve of his dreams. And the sword... I'm curious what will you do with him. The cliche option would be to make him a main hero of your next story, but the fun alternative would be to kill him off quickly (or having him become the villain). Anyway, It would be nice to have a muscle-man aboard.

    Commented on: February 16, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thank you for the lovely review (and tracking down the mistakes).

    That was a silly chapter, with lots of squishiness. I have a question about Aedain's character? In general, what do you think of him? Is he evil? Would you miss him if he died?

    Commented on: February 14, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Gosh, I'm beginning to think that some angel visited you and spilled the beans ;-) You hit jackpot with the theory with Celts and Anglo-Saxons - that was the inspiration for me. Your other suspicions are going in the right direction too.

    As for the cursive thing, is you spot it again, please give me a heads up. Thanks for commenting.

    Commented on: February 14, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    My full name - Małgorzata. Have fun trying to pronounce that and I'll get popcorn.

    And sending kisses is creepy ;-)

    As for the number thing, I knew that, but it doesn't look too elegant if they're not spelled out. About the political situation, you're on the right track. Thanks for reviewing!

     

     

    Commented on: February 14, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    The ruse, Amaatlik used in this chapter, was quite easy to see through. I would be very disappointed if Michael fell for it. The attempt to scare Jason made a much bigger impression on me, it was far more sinister. This one looked a bit as though Amaatlik wasn't even trying.

    As for Michael's decision, it seems absolutely logical, but I have a gut feeling that it may be a wrong one - you may still use "the power of friendship" clichee to show that alone, a hero can't do a thing, but together they can defeat the evil, blah, blah. Actually, I'm curious if you're going to do this. (Don't give me any spoilers!)

    My predictions for the ending is: Michael will lose, but then all people who are there will join forces and beat Amaatlik up using the friendship force. Usually, it works ;-)

    Commented on: February 13, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Yeah, beat that son of a ... okay, I won't be vulgar while cheering for Jason.

    As I predicted, Amaatlik is playing mind ticks on Jason. It was a nice try with trying to scare him, but I guess Jason isn't that fearful anymore. To me, it seems that Amaatlik is a small fry, but does everything to mask it. That little illusion show was all bark, no bite - at least so far.

    Jason won't defeat the demon so fast though - there are still like four chapters till the end, what means that Amaatlik will be defending himself.

    Commented on: February 13, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    So Calvin left them... unfortunate. Since Amaatlik showed up, the story turned a bit darker. The humor is still there, but the general impression isn't that of a comedy in a Benny Hill style. It has a bit of a psychological thriller now - you never know which one of the good guys could be possessed. Amaatlik's modus operandi reminds me of the movie "Fallen" with Denzel Washington, where the demon could possess anyone by touching them. It was the creepiest movie with a demon, so I enjoy Amaatlik as well.

    It seemed almost too convenient that the boys even got the dinner and place to sleep before going into the battle - shouldn't they be worn out by the journey? It's more epic when the heroes are covered in mud and blood ;-) Anyway, I'm curious how the battle will look like. I suspect that the boy's friendship will be put to the test.

    Commented on: February 13, 2014

  • Kingdom of the Ravens

    Crapbaskets, it's the last chapter for today and I wanted to know what James saw.

    I felt a bit sorry for Helen and I smirked when she almost spilled the beans that James' daddy was the prince (he should be the king now, right?) - if I were in his shoes I would be delighted if only I could ignore the fact that Fachen stole the parents.

    I suppose Quinn will be saved in the next chapter. I'd like to comment more on your fictional world, but I guess I'll have to wait until the next chapter to view it in its full glory.

    My predictions for the plot are: the bad guy from the prolog sent Fachen and now he keeps James' parents captive. The siblings will have to save them. In the end mom and dad will be saved, the tyrant overthrown and daddy will become the king. And the kids won't have to go to a university and slave for the lowest wages. I wonder if my predictions will come true... I'm eager to review the next chapter.

    Commented on: February 13, 2014

  • Kingdom of the Ravens

    Having a dad from some fairy tale place (or another planet) is indisputably cool.

    I really liked how Chris handled the situation, how he behaved while under such a great pressure - he was hero-like, perfectly knowing what to do (just like Bruce Willis ;-)). He made quite an impression on me. As for Quinn, it was hard to judge her, because she was unconscious. However, the descriptions of her injury were awfully gross - I would be worried if my sister had such a health condition after being bit by a monster. James was confused, what was perfectly understandable, but I appreciated as he remained witty when the Gatekeeper transported them to "England".

    I have a feeling that the real adventure begins now. I'm glad that James finally found himself in his daddy's homeland (yes, I forgot the country's name. It was beginning with "E" and had two "g" in it). I'm even more glad that he has his siblings - they would surely bring some color into the plot developments. It's promising since you made the siblings quite different - I had no problem distinguishing their individual character traits.

    Overall, well done! 

    Commented on: February 13, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for spotting the awkward wording.

    Baltar is a fool, isn't he? But he makes May's captivity more entertaining at least ;-)

    Commented on: February 13, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for spotting the missing word. I won't have May on her back near Aedain - that would be unsightly.

    As for the Barrier Stone, no, it doesn't cause period. I inserted this as a comic relief and because only once I came across such trivial stuff being mentioned in a fantasy book ;-) As for Aedain being so oblivious, what are you expecting from a guy who was raised by Baltar?

    And... thanks for commenting! I'm always looking forward to your reviews.

    Commented on: February 13, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    The demons aren't smart, are they? I guess Zhawn is the smartest of them all. However, considering that they live way longer than humans, they would be too dangerous if they were too inteligent ;-)

    Commented on: February 13, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for spotting that inconsistency with Erik for me - it totally made no sense. As for Larry (I love the name), only he had the awesome powers (but they were no good anyway). About his fighting strategy, obviously he wasn't not only dumber than Aedain, but also beat Baltar in a stupidity contest - and that says a lot.

    If you're still confused about Aedain's behavior (the girls already detected it), remember how five-year-olds behave when they like someone (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) and apply it to a sadistic psychopath.

    Thanks for reviewing!

    Commented on: February 13, 2014

  • Gifted

    I adored the description of the crime scene. It was very gore, but I have a weak spot for it. I also liked the brief mention of the history of the Gifted and that there is world beyond the island (makes sense). I'm excited since I found out that a new, mysterious player joined the ranks of the troublemakers. I'm certain Janelle will come across the "Gifted-killer". My romance detectors tell me that the killer will turn out to be a dashing rogue, who'll comfort Janelle after Raegain reveals himself as a spy (quite a far-fetched theory, huh? You must chuckle while reading it).

    As for the second half of the chapter, it was good as well. I felt terribly sorry for Marvin, who took the news of Rosa's death surprisingly good. The "Malcolm" attack from Raegan was really creepy. Brief explanation: a "Malcolm" is (according to my dad) an evil guy who seduced a woman, usually someone's ex-wife, by comforting her.

    I also found it a little bit disturbing that Raegan is so good with sword already - perhaps he underwent a training already? Or... he's a killer! Hmm, that would be plausible actually. He joined a couple of weeks ago, right. It was probably not long after those Gifted at the village were killed. He could have taken them out with this new fancy weapon and wander to Janelle. However, if this theory is true, I have no clue what his motive may be.

    Commented on: February 13, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Gore stays ;-) It may be good to add a warning though - thanks for the advice. As for heavy swearing, I know what you mean. Once I read the first chapter of a book where the 50 % of dialogs consisted of "f" word; it was very tiring.

    Thanks for the review. Perhaps I should get a style book, but I need to buy a washing machine first ;-)

    Commented on: February 12, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    As for the mirror thing, I won't spoil the plot for you. It's going to be an interesting development in the future and I'm not that mean to take the surprise away from you.

    Commented on: February 12, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Yes, this chapter was supposed to be funny - after all some grimly sadistic events are ahead. As for possible romance, I won't give you any spoilers; keep coming up with the theories ;-)

    Commented on: February 12, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    They're regret this turning into dragons soon enough - there's reason why they weren't doing it before. As for why are they galloping, you obviously missed the part where they began following the witch's trail.

    Commented on: February 12, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    I have a weak spot for dragons ;-) (and dinosaurs)

    As for May, yes, she's incredibly special, but not exactly in the way expected in fantasy novels.

    Commented on: February 12, 2014

  • Day and Age

    Alcohol-free beer? What a bummer. You see, I come from a country where you drink vodka on proms (of course in secret from the teachers, but I know that they drink their own vodka in secret from students) ;-) Emma would have to learn new tricks, I guess.

    Commented on: February 12, 2014

  • Day and Age

    It looks like I may be right that Emma's body is expiring. I'm glad that I guessed that Bridget isn't her real mother - I caught the hint you threw.

    Jake is a bit annoying with his constant bickering how awesome Michael was in comparison to himself, but that's the important core of his insecurity. I noticed that slowly, he discovers how to lead his life on his own, without his brother's support - hopefully he'll gain some more confidence in the future.

    Now my impressions of all the chapters I've read so far. First, I warn you that the drama stories are not my thing. I prefer epic fantasy or books set in medieval times (swords and blood) to the ones that transpire in the modern world.

    I can't help but compare this book to "Gifted" - and "Gifted" wins for me. The pacing in "Day and Age" is slow and in some places my enthusiasm for reading diminished. I suppose it's because the story is character-orientated instead of set on the plot. There is a lot of inner turmoil going on and this is not my thing, so my complaining may be not objective. I felt the spike of tension only once - when Emma told Jake he's dying. I guess the suspect isn't brought out enough.

    As for the characters and your portrayal of emotions, even though I'm not fully into it, I'm impressed. You've made Jake thoughts and behavior believable. The hero of the story is definitely no piece of cardboard. I hope that he'll experience a spiritual journey and will be able to grab hold of his own life. I'll wait for the next chapters eagerly.

    Commented on: February 12, 2014

  • Day and Age

    First all, Jake's parents. They're redeemed in my eyes. My first impression of them was rather poor - I thought they were expressing not enough love toward Jake, they were dry. However, in this chapter and the previous one, they acted like normal, loving parents would. Jake's dad came to wake him up when he had a nightmare, mother was worried sick when Jake got fever. The hospital scene only confirmed that the relationship between Jake and his parents is healthy and positive.

    The part with Jake visiting his memories was bizarre, but I suspect that it would be an excellent therapy for him. I'm sure that he'll be back in that corridor soon.

    Emma is still an enigma - how did she get her powers? is she really a young girl? She mentioned before that first the hair go white, then eyes tun blue and you die. It's pretty obvious that Emma is already past stage two what means that her body is reaching its expiration date. I wonder if it's her first body - she has the power to switch bodies at will, right? She may inhabit bodies like a parasite? Hmm... Whatever you do, don't give me spoilers.

    Commented on: February 12, 2014

  • Day and Age

    Great! Finally, there's a bigger development in the magical department, although I'm still at loss who or what Emma is. I feel that the next chapter will shed some more light on this matter.

    The part of the chapter until Emma visited was a bit unentertaining for me - I found it too gloomy, depressing and filled with to much drama for my taste (I'm not a fan of drama and romantic comedies, I have a bit of a boyish taste in literature and cinematography). After Emma appeared color filled the story and it suddenly began much more appealing. When Emma said that the white streak in Jake's hair is the proof that he'll die, I gasped. The talk between them was quite disturbing. I'm not entirely sure how Emma wants to fix her mistake (by talking to Jake in his head), but I'll be patient and just read the next chapter.

    Commented on: February 12, 2014

  • Day and Age

    More paranormal situations. To be honest, right now I have no theories to share. Emma seems to be a versatile sorceress - beer summoning, body-switching... there are a lot of possibilities. I can't wait until Jake figures out who exactly is she.

    What confused me a little, are the time skips you're making without any warning. In the previous chapter Emma came to qive the money back, as though the plot from the chapter before was continuing, but all of a sudden it turned out that she and Jake met multiple times. The time skip in this chapter was a little baffling too.

     

    Commented on: February 12, 2014

  • Day and Age

    Wow, that was a divine trick, Emma performed, and a very useful one. It's a bit funny how the first magical trick was creating ginger beer. It's a power all university students would like to possess ;-)

    Anyway, I found a clue! At least, I hope it's a valid clue. When Emma was talking about Bridget, she hesitated before saying that she's her mother. Therefore, Bridget isn't her real mother - she's only her guardian (like vampires need some old guy to do the chores during the day). My newest theory is that Emma is an angel - it would fit the "magical, saving life creature".

    Commented on: February 12, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    At least you can build a snowman ;-)

    I know that Aedain is a bit bi-polar (and sociopathic probably too). I wanted to make his and May's relation a roller coaster ride - when it gets fluffy and mushy, bam! He'll twist her neck. Hmm, that was probably a bad example.

    Thank you very much for the review!

    Commented on: February 12, 2014

  • Day and Age

    You seem to handle writing about the emotions very well. Jake's inner turmoil is completely believable for me. It isn't exaggerated to the point I would roll my eyes (like I did when I watched an excellent comedy about sparkling vampires) and not omitted - that would make Jake look like a person with a serious personality disorder. The way he grieves is optimal.

    Emma is surely a weird person and something tells me that her place of origin may not be on earth (or it may be Russia - it's the place that defies all logic). I'd like to know more of them, as the hints you drop so far are very tiny. So... I think she's a guardian of life or something like that. Maybe she'll team up with Jake and they shall become like Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask... All right, I'm getting carried away, so I'll just read the next chapter.

    Commented on: February 12, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    You're welcome. After you review two more chapters of MM, I'll gladly go on a review spree again ;-)

    Commented on: February 12, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for giving me heads about about that Leif-Levi thing.

    As for FMA, I haven't read the mange yet. Damn, you made me wonder what they're making out of the dead people. Anyway, I'm not going to give spoilers.

    Thanks for the review!

    Commented on: February 12, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    You know, I'm going to smack you in the head for that intuition of yours ;-)

    And thanks for the review. I'm glad you didn't find the portal part too overwhelming - I was worried that it would be like serving my readers a very boring physics lecture.

    Commented on: February 12, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Aedain is as relatable as cactus ;-) I loved the comparison. Actually, Aedain is an alien - he's a member of a native species from another planet...

    I'm glad that you liked the little filler before the "witch-arc"

    Commented on: February 11, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    According to Aedain's story (and everyone's story as well), Zhawn was killed by Aedain's daddy. And yes, it's the same Zhawn and he popped out of nowhere or some mysterious reasons.

    It's funny how Americans think that the Laismarans-humans story was inspired by their history. Actually, a girl from Australia thought that I was basing it off Aborigens ;-)

    Commented on: February 11, 2014

  • Ensis

    I noticed that your POVs are not clear. First you described the surroundings through Richard's eyes, then you switched to Mary and then back to Richard. Usually it's preferred if you stick to a POV of one person. If you want to introduce POVs of different characters, it's good to separate them in a clear way - either put them in separate chapters or at least mark the change.

    I'm glad that little Richard got to prove that he has thoughts. I find him adorable (nice one author, targeting women using small children) and very obedient, but I didn't expect any naughtiness from a boy raised by Mrs. Henderson. I keep wondering how Richard's fate will be tied to Dylan's.

    I suspect that Mary will somehow get involved as well, maybe even she'll become a love interest for Dylan (aren't they in the same age?).

    Commented on: February 11, 2014

  • Day and Age

    I liked how Jake was coping with Michael's death. I found dying hair and scratching his face much more entertaining than crying in the corner. It must have been hard for him to see a reflection so alike to his brother in the mirror. Poor guy. His parents seemed to me not really supportive (I guess they are depressed by the loss of their child) and were quite dry to Jake when they saw his dyed hair.

    So the girl's name is Emma. In this chapter I had an impression that she may be a socially awkward and not talkative human. Maybe is a being that has a mission of some sorts, like saving poor, tortured souls like Jake ;-)

    Commented on: February 11, 2014

  • Ensis

    The hero showed up.

    Currently, I'm wondering how will the Henderson family fit into saving the kingdom, but I guess I'll have to wait for the answers.

    This chapter was quite mysterious and, I'm not going to lie, I'm completely confused about Dylan, his heritage and goal. All I know is that he has a task and this task is so important that he's under a lot of pressure of the court members. I don't know who exactly he is. Is he a prince? Is his mother a queen, an aristocrat with royal blood or queen's lady in waiting? It would be a good idea to state some facts clearly. Some mystery intrigues, but too much of them simply confuses. It's alright not to know why is Dylan so special, but it would be nice to know who he is.

    His younger sister is adorable, makes me want a sister ;-)

    Commented on: February 11, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    It's really creepy that Amaatlik is messing with their minds, but at the same time it's a terrific idea. There is probably nothing worse than a situation when the villain can influence your thoughts and actions. Now I have no clue which one of the group I should trust, because all of them can be doing what Amaatlik suggests. The nasty dream attack reminds me of Freddy Krueger and it's really a scary thought. I wonder how will the boys fend the demon off. So far, Jason did pretty well, but something bad could have happened if Michael hadn't woken him up. 

    I liked when the boys brought up that the journey and the adventures are changing them. I predict that at the end of their mission both Maichael and Jason will become more responsible and mature (I hope so).

    Commented on: February 11, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Francis is definitely a devil (Amaatlik perhaps). If I had some doubts about it, this chapter erased them. A guy with a foreign accent and a goatee has to be evil (especially with a goatee). I'm relieved that Michael realized that there was something wrong with the voice he was hearing in his head.

    Xavier's comments are funny - I'm glad, he joined the group.

    I also noticed that Calvin was very person-like in this chapter. He was having meaningful dialogs with the boys, was a bit cranky and very likeable too. I think that he was an unappreciated character earlier.

    Commented on: February 11, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    I think I have a new candidate for my favorite character. Xavier seems like a cool kid, his dialogs with Jason made me snort (because snorting is more dignified than giggling), especially the one with George.

    I suppose that hunting Amaatlik is a popular free-time activity. I wonder if Jason and Michael will find Xavier's parents.

    The twist with Jason actually not being dead was nice, although at some point I got terribly confused. I just hope that it won't turn out that he was dead all along, because I'll lose my trust in the narrator ;-) Jason's reaction to the news that he may be dead was hilarious - I suppose that almost every teenager would bring the parents up.

    Last, but not least, Jason can use Jedi tricks. It's good that he didn't say: "We are not the sorcerers you are looking for."

    Commented on: February 11, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Damn, I spoiled the story for S.S. Desai. I feel a little sorry about it.

    Commented on: February 11, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Gosh, if Aedain creeps you now, you might want to read the future chapters while hidden under a safe blanket ;-) Actually, when I think more about it, it's disturbing that a hundred year old guy has such thought about a 17-year old girl. Hmm... it sounds criminal.

    Thanks for the review and for pointing out the mistakes. Have fun with the next chapter (it's about magical stuff).

    Commented on: February 11, 2014

  • Ensis

    I love the narration! The words you use are old-fashioned and they suit the period in which the story is set. I found it very enjoyable to read this chapter even though it lacked crazy action or unexpected plot twists. The writing style itself was entertaining.

    Ida Henderson is a very uptight woman. The way she thinks seems strange, but then again it's very believable since she's a lady from a good house. It was clear that she has sense of superiority even though the life isn't easy for her (I got that impression, Mary mentioned she wasn't dressed in furs).

    So far little Richard is a bit bland and doesn't seem like an integral character - his mother just drags him around and ignores him when he's talking.

    Commented on: February 11, 2014

  • Ensis

    An interesting way to introduce the character.

    A very short prolog, but I guess that it served its purpose. Maybe it would use a bit more descriptions.

    My first impressions of the main character (I suspect he's the hero of the story) are that he's somewhat weird. I couldn't resist the urge to diagnose him with a personality disorder ;-) I'm wondering why he has that little quirk - is it just the way he is or did he experience something traumatizing perhaps? As odd as his behavior is, it sparked interest in him.

    My only complaint would be that when you mentioned 99 seconds, telling that it's a minute and 39 seconds was redundant. It felt as though you assumed that your readers don't know how many seconds a minute has.

    Commented on: February 11, 2014

  • Day and Age

    Interesting!

    I feel that your portrayal of Jake's grief is good. I got the sense of loss Jake is going through. I liked that Jake didn't ramble on his internal pain for too long - it would make the chapter boring (but it was perfect).

    I almost wish that Jake were dead instead of Michael. Michael was a confident, likeable one whereas Jake seemed... weak. He was described as a shy and vulnerable person. I wasn't sympathizing with him, I felt only pity. However, it's great since you have the endless possibilities how to develop the character who's almost on ameba level at the beginning. If his adventures make him a courageous, confident man, his transformation would be twice as profound than if it happened to his brother.

    The mysterious girl intrigued me. Her appearance was brief, but long enough to leave a good impression and questions in my head. I guess she's not a human - otherwise she would have died after jumping off that fence. Her questions about the ducks were odd. I can't wait to find out who she is. Or rather what she is.

    Commented on: February 11, 2014

  • Gifted

    I sense a weird hint about Sam's dad. Just who exactly is he? I just hope that 805 isn't somehow mixed into the family drama (it would be an interesting twist though). Anyway, there's something fishy in Sam's and Tom's family. That Assessor who didn't take Tom away was suspicious too. I'm convinced that 805 may have a connection to Sam, one way or another.

    The whole chapter was nice, even though not much happened. Carey is a really good-hearted person. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't bury a guy who tried to rape me. I can't really imagine how in the earth did she manage to carry a man who was probably much heavier than her. It seemed a bit improbable for me unless Carey is jacked.

    Samantha is slowly gaining my sympathy. That cold-blooded killer image is really cool, especially when put in contrast with her kind, clumsy brother. So far Tom appears to me as a bit Bland character, but I think it's because of his helplessness and because he's surrounded by colorful ladies (Sam and Carey). I'm curious how will he be developed and what role will he play. I can't see him as a fighter, but surely he can do tons of other things in the resistance.

    Commented on: February 11, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    That was "un-cool" of Zhawn, was it? As for Nesrin, guessing what she is and how she came to existence is a hint for the core of Zhawn's evil plan ;-)

    Commented on: February 11, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for the grammar tip.

    As for good-bad guys, I'm a Star Wars fan, so I believe that every villain is someone's father and isn't really that bad (dangerous thinking). I also never liked the setting where someone is clearly good and the villain is evil, because he's diabolical.

    Thanks for the review!

    Commented on: February 11, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    The part with the staring was meant to make either awkward (if you're a boy) or terrified and wanting to grab pepper spray (if you're a girl). As for the POV, I didn't put it in italics, because I'd have to put about 1/4 of the next chapters in italics. That would be odd...

    And if you don't cut the crap with the girl, I swear, I'll find you and whack you with my super-heavy frying pan. I'll fix the girl-stuff later.

    Have a nice day and thanks for reviewing.

    Commented on: February 11, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Maybe some things happen without reason? Hm... a place without taxes would be nice. In my country they eat half of the earnings.

    Commented on: February 11, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Yes, it was an info dump ;-( However, it had to be done eventually. As for the Sapphire Pendant, after all it's the Key, so it play an important role later on.

    Humans don't digest grass well... and it tastes awful. I guess that everyone tried eating it at some point in their lives.

    Commented on: February 11, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    I'm aware that the story would use a bit more filler sometimes, but on the other hand I have a freaking long and winding plot to execute. Yesterday, I made some calculations and came to the conclusion that I'll have to get rid of the fluff-arc that was supposed to happen right before the ending - the book would be too long. As for the descriptions, perhaps I should add them here and there.

    Thanks for reviewing! May the storms be away from you!

    Commented on: February 10, 2014

  • Carriers

    From a reader's point of you I'd disagree about Shay being selfish (it looks different from reader's and author's perspective). Her actions betray that she's capable of being selfless and does that most of the time - she saves her friends even though her life is on the line (a selfish person would cherish their own life more). Over the course of the story Shay changed for good. She toughened up, realized that her arrogance may be dangerous for people around her. She grew up as a character; perhaps she used to be selfish in the past, but I don't have the impression that it stayed that way.

    Commented on: February 10, 2014

  • Carriers

    It was a very good plot twist. I was expecting maybe Laylia, Kayleigh or Owen to die first. I was sure that you'll keep Shay, Marena and Carson alive till the end of the book. Although it's a big surprise (I like surprises), it's a bummer that Marena was the one killed - I don't really care about anyone but Shay and her (and maybe Carson a bit). 

    Commented on: February 10, 2014

  • Carriers

    That's bad. Honestly, I was expecting Marena to pull a Jesus trick and appear alive. The fact that Alexandria became a carrier and joined the group made me doubt my theory - it looks like you've replaced Marena with her right away. I'm not going to lie, I have a mixed feelings about this. If Marena's really dead, the replacement came a bit too soon. If she's alive, it was a nice decoy.

    You're portraying Shay's grief very well. What made me admire her, was that she's conscious that as a leader she has to live for the sake of her group. That's the thinking of a responsible, selfless person - worth being a heroine of the story.

    Commented on: February 10, 2014

  • Carriers

    I'm not buying it. Seriously, until there's a body, I refuse to believe that you killed off my favorite character.

    First of all, it was a great plot-twist and it was executed greatly. In the previous chapter you boosted sympathy for Marena, what made the loss much painful for me (I'm pretty sure that for the majority of the readers too).

    The descriptions of Shay searching for Marena in the water were awsome and held the tension up (9 out of 10). The scene where Shay expressed her grief was emotional and well-written as well (7,5 out of 10). Shay's desperation when she tried to save Marena was a testimony of their friendship, an ultimate proof that there was a bond between them. Overall, this chapter was loaded with emotions and nice descriptive writing. Well done!

    As for my predictions, Marena isn't really dead. It will turn out that she drifted and somehow got saved. I may be wrong, but I doubt you could be THAT evil ;-)

    Commented on: February 10, 2014

  • Carriers

    I got an impression that it was a "girly chapter", perhaps it was centered around Marena and Shay, but also Laylia and Kayleigh got mentioned. For most of it it felt sort of carefree. The birthday, the swim in the river and then the conversation in the tree were entertaining in a peaceful way. Of course, it didn't last long, but that's how the thing's are here, in "Carriers" ;-) Overall it was a nice chapter.

    I love Marena's character. She's stuck up and sarcastic, but also keeps her cool and analyzes the situation. She would make an excellent "cop pair" with Shay. The two of them are like Spock and Kirk (Marena is Spock).

    One thing came to my mind about the guns. The kids have several guns, but don't forget about the ammo - it ends, unlike in the Rambo movies (what a pity). So far the kids aren't shooting too much, but keep in mind that they will run out of the bullets eventually.

    Commented on: February 10, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    He's my favorite character. As weird as it sounds, I relate to him the most ;-) Even though he's a dog.

    Commented on: February 10, 2014

  • Day and Age

    My first impressions: everything progressed really fast, the pacing was really fast and some details were vague because of that (what was the diagnosis), but I liked the sudden turn of events. I'm not a person who's into drama books, but the first chapter awoke my interest - I wonder how will the situation develop. Will the hero of the book be legless? Or will he die, leaving his brother? (I don't remember the summary). Overall, the prolog wasn't boring and was quite nice!

    Another thing I liked, was that there wasn't a single redundant paragraph. Each of them was spiked with info about the plot or the character development.

    The characters got flashed out pretty well considering that it was done in only one chapter - I'm able to distinguish the twins by their own character traits, they're not bland. I liked how you mentioned Jake's shyness through bringing up the dating issue and the suspicions of gayness. Michael's plans for the future, hopes and dreams helped me relate to him quickly. Honestly, I'm impressed that you managed to introduce the characters properly in such a short time.

    Commented on: February 10, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Great, your conclusions are exactly what I wanted to convey.

    As for your question about the demon children, it will be answered in the next chapter - everything is explained there.

    Thanks for reviewing!

    Commented on: February 10, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Hm... About the mirror, initially, I was planning on letting this plot line remain unsolved. However, it seems that almost everyone, who's great enough to review (thank youuuu), focuses on the mirror. I decided to explain this, but not till book 2.

    Commented on: February 10, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    I liked this one - the Calvin's POV was very enlightening and helped me to see him as a character instead of an object. To be frank, up until now Calvin seemed to be rather a nice, animated item than a person. Therefore, I'm glad this chapter changed it - now he has feelings, motivation, goal. Perhaps Calvin's POV should be introduced earlier, it depends on how you want your readers to view Calvin's character.

    Anyway, Calvin received a sympathy boost from me in this chapter. As almost always, there was humor even though the quest for Jason should be serious (but not in this book). I especially liked the part with Xavier ("Yeah, do it!") - it was hilarious. So... Merlin is a magician? His name was a bit of a giveaway, but still, it was a nice twist. I'm wondering if he's somehow related to Skylos...

    Commented on: February 10, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    As always, thanks for the tip on grammar - honestly, I was not sure about the quotes within quotes (is it inception?). I'm glad that you liked this chapter and noticed that the text is broken into paragraphs. I wanted to avoid the boring, huge block of text, so I'm glad it worked out.

    Thanks for the review!

    Commented on: February 10, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Later on, the demons' part will play a bigger part in the story. I hope that the explanation of Aedain's motives didn't come too late in the story. The impression of Baltar you got is exactly the one I was aiming for ;-)

    Commented on: February 9, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Ha! That was fun. Honestly, congrats on the fine plot twist. I never expected that one of the protagonists could actually drop dead during the quest, especially Jason (who seemed like a better main hero of the story).

    Overall, it was a very fine chapter. The conversation with the diabolical villain Francis (that's not his real name, is it?) was kind of serious, but at the same time spiked with the characteristic humor that I like the most. The poor reception was priceless.

    I'm a bit worried about that ghost problem, Jason had. Michael would have problems with explaining this to his parents. However, it would solve the issue of Jason's epic first-sight romance with Bianca. She's a ghost too, so they would make a nice match. I suspected that Michael may somehow resurrect Jason, but now I have the feeling it's not going to happen.

    Commented on: February 8, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Perhaps you could consider re-writing. I figured out that the merit of the scene was Calvin's character development, but perhaps it could be done in more entertaining or dynamic way.

    Commented on: February 8, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    I know the theory, yes. However, I've never met anyone who fell in love after the fist sight (and it survived  long enough for the person to admit that it's love). Still, it's a nice concept.

    As for the book, I'm going to read and review it till the end and then I'll give a full review. For now, I found this book weird, but quite fun. It's greatest strength is the humor. there's no doubt about that. The crazy pace of the adventures is an advantage too - I don't get bored as there is always a lot happening and it's happening fast. The characters are not the story's strength, they would use greater diversity. The difference between Jason's and Michael's POV became noticeable after about 10-12 chapters. The plot isn't overly complicated as well, but fortunately there are unexpected twists, that redeem the simplicity.

    Commented on: February 8, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    I don't love the typos, I just make mistakes in a foreign language I don't use often.

    As for the ruined clothes, I'm sure you'd keep yours ruined clothes too if the alternative was running around naked for god knows how many days ;-) It's only logical.

    About the demons being overly and suspiciously nice, it was made clear in the previous chapter that May and Erik are their hostages (or rather May is, as Aedain needs Erik's help). It would be stupid to kill the hostages too early.

    Thanks for the review!

    Commented on: February 8, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    And finally Michael went Bananas. Oh well, it was predictable.

    About the chapter, I have the feeling that the first half of it was unnecessary; the swimming lesson wasn't really interesting and it could be skimmed over. There wasn't any humor there, like in most of your fillers, and it didn't develop Calvin's or Jason's character. Besides, the scene didn't suit the general atmosphere of your book - so far the most characteristic features were absurd humor and a breakneck pace. The second half of the chapter was fine though, and quite eventful. Unlike the swimming lesson, the nasty situation with Michael caught my attention.

    Commented on: February 8, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    That was quite disturbing. I wonder who is talking to Michael in his thoughts. If it's the person, who wants to trick him, my main suspicion would be demon Amaatlik. However, that would be too obvious - it would be far too malicious if it turned out that someone close to him is either Amaatlik or working for him. Amisto perhaps? That would be a nice twist.

    About Rudolph the Seer, he's not going to join the boys on the trip, is he? Somehow seers don't seem like good traveling companions.

    I'm still baffled how the heck did Jason manage to fall in love with Bianca even though he saw her like ten minutes or less. It seems improbable, but it's the way most of stuff in your book is.

    Commented on: February 8, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Hm... Actually, Zhawn's true motivation will be explained in the last chapter of the book (which is already written), but some hints will be dropped from time to time.

    As for the short chapters, originally they were parts of bigger ones, but I figured out it would be easier for people to read the story this way.

    Once again, thanks for reviewing. Have fun with the next chapters. Thinking of motivation, in the next chapter Aedain's motivation will be revealed.

    Commented on: February 8, 2014

  • Carriers

    I loved this one!

    It was a nice change of a perspective and a grim foreshadowing in one. With such huge bounties on their heads, the government agents could be least of the Carriers' concerns. The agents have to maintain some work ethic (like warning before shooting or trying to capture alive), but the bounty hunters will be completely different. I predict they will be quite ruthless.

    It was a fine way to both raise the tension and allow your readers to snatch a glimpse of what is happening at Shay's house. I'm pretty sure her mom is either dead or will be in a couple of days (sad), but I'm hoping the dad will somehow survive the plague ordeal. However, he's not young, so I may be wrong. Anyway, I'm wondering if showing Gracelyn was entirely for the sake of informing about the bounties or was in an introduction of a future Carrier.

    Commented on: February 7, 2014

  • Carriers

    I found this chapter a bit odd.

    First thing, that relationship-stuff. How come Axel is already over all those shootings, Jaycee dying, killing a man and now he's snuggling with Kayleigh? It seems a bit improbable for me, given that he didn't experience as much as the other Carriers and is still a bit new to the dangerous life. Earlier I found Shay's and Carson's behavior very realistic - even though they were a couple, they weren't behaving too flirtatiously while their lives were threatened or they were coping with fear/guilt after Shay killed her first man and had her crisis of leadership.

    Anyway, Marena is my no 1 now - at least she's not letting that love stuff get to her (maybe the others are already feeling the Valentine's Day?).

    Commented on: February 7, 2014

  • Gifted

    No! You gave me a spoiler! Hm, I wonder who's dead then (don't tell me!).

    Commented on: February 7, 2014

  • Carriers

    It was quite sad - the speeches and digging the hole. I appreciated how you mentioned that the deceased girl wasn't Shay's close friend, so her death didn't affect her that much, but helped her realize they weren't immortal. With all those narrow escapes, it is miraculous that the most of the Carriers are still alive. It was nice to get a reminder that they can run out of luck any moment now.

    Axel constantly gains my sympathy. I have a feeling that he's flashed out better than half of the old Carriers (for example Owen) even though he's a newcomer. Anyway, he seems like a smart person who knows what to do - in the previous chapter he did the right thing, during the funeral he said a couple of appropriate words as well.

    I have to be honest about the funeral though - I almost forgot they had the body all along ;-) It was because the almost-cheerful, then action-packed previous chapter.

    Commented on: February 7, 2014

  • Gifted

    Now that was intriguing.

    Firstly, the scene with Carey was nicely emotion-evoking. The descriptions of the aftermath of the fire and the struggle with the Gifted were well-written and detailed. 440 earned a bit of my compassion when he pleaded for 256's forgiveness - that slightly redeemed the character in my eyes. It was also merciful of Carey that she helped him meet swift end instead of watching him die while suffering. What she did, was the right thing, even though killing someone is worth praise. I also liked that she actually wanted to save him (she mentioned that he was beyond patching him up, there was no way he could have survived). It seems to me that Carey is growing up as a character in the same brutal way as Janelle.

    The brief part with Janelle spiked my suspicions about Raegan. I think it served that purpose.

    As for 256's adventure, I'm curious who the murder's victim will be. The obvious targets would be Carey's family, but it would be easy to wipe them out - as much as I feel sorry for them, they are not worth calling the best of Gifted to do the job.

    805 is constantly under suspicion. I have the impression that he'll do something totally unexpected in the future. I don't like him at all at this point - a person who is ready to cast his ideals away when the situation requires it, is a foul, conceited being. Anyway, I'm curious about him.

    Commented on: February 6, 2014

  • Carriers

    The timing of Carson's confession is perfect - it spices up the action (like in the horrors the victims go to the basement instead of elsewhere; you think: "don't do it!", but you still want them to go there and get the horror started).

    Commented on: February 6, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Gosh, you're the first person who declared the sympathy for Baltar ;-)

    Commented on: February 6, 2014

  • Kingdom of the Ravens

    So... James' mom is dead for good? I do recall there was something wrong with her spine, but still, that's too horrible to be true! (but it would be a good plot twist)

    I'm glad that James came back to help his dad - that was a bit foolish, but that was the right thing to do. What I really liked, was that the monster had an original name. It was nice to read about a fachen attack instead of werewolf or some other well-known creature.

    Now just short about the pacing of the last three chapters. It was a good call to add some serious excitement and drastic moments already - it fueled my desire to read the rest of the story instantly.

    Commented on: February 6, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Sure ;-) I was just letting you know (because I'm such a caring person ;-)).

    Commented on: February 6, 2014

  • Kingdom of the Ravens

    Oh no, mother!

    Overall, a very good chapter. There was some suspense in the beginning, but then the plot took a 180-twist toward the action It was quite unexpected, but it spiced the story up for me.

    As for the plot line, I liked all of the elements. First, the issue with James following his dad. I felt sorry for the kid, but at the same time I knew it had to be just a misunderstanding.

    I slightly regretted that the parents' conversation ended so quickly - it was getting good and really interesting. Now I'm sure that James' parents came to Earth from the magical kingdom (there was also a reincarnation theory; not making much sense, but still plausible).

    Also, some bad demon dude injured the mom. Will she survive? I guess I'll find out in a moment. That was a thrilling chapter.

    In the 2nd paragraph you used James' name too many times.

    Commented on: February 6, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    That phrase with the heart is a saying from my country - I'll change it.

    As for the antagonist, I'm not sure if you caught a glimpse of him in the prolog. I introduced some changes to the story and added a couple of scenes with him.

    Commented on: February 6, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Oh, the hellhounds got mentioned again (I still hope that at least one somehow survived). I liked the idea of not all monsters being evil - that's just prejudice, right? I still felt bad for Jason that he ended up alone in the Forest of Nightmares. It was pretty creepy.

    Anyway, about the ent: "ent" is an Anglo-Saxon word meaning "a giant". It was J.R.R. Tolkien who used this word to name a race of big tree guys. It's not a common race name like dwarves or elves. Please be careful with using this word then, it's a little like introducing a sorcerer called Harry Potter into your story.

    Commented on: February 6, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for the review. About the reviews that vanished, leave them be - I know it's too frustrating to be forced to go over the same stuff over and over again. So please just review the next chapters.

    As for the demons, they have some surprises in stock (I'm not going to spoil).

    Commented on: February 6, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for spotting the inconsistencies. Sometimes I'm so focused on the plot that I forget the small details.

    Commented on: February 6, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Oh, damn. Actually, I wanted to make MM a story where the plot plays an important role, but with flashed out characters ;-( Anyway, thanks for reviewing. Keep voting on May/Aedain pairing (he, he).

    Commented on: February 6, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Aedain could use his brain more sometimes... As for the possible romantic relationship, you're the first one who doesn't like an idea of getting together with a violent murderer ;-) Male readers think a bit like you, but most girls are swooning over the brutal men (such thinking may be dangerous in the future, I guess) ;-)

    Anyway, thank you very much for the great reviews!

    Commented on: February 4, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for spotting the error.

    Dragons are cool, aren't they? Somehow when they appear in the story, they make stuff more epic ;-) I have a dragon-weakness...

    Commented on: February 4, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Nesrin is one of the most mysterious characters, I think.

    As for your predictions, I enjoy reading them! Please keep predicting ;-) I'm not going to tell you if you're right - that would spoil all of the fun.

    Commented on: February 4, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for reviewing. As for May and Aedain, their "relationship" is already planned out. Don't worry - there won't be sudden love confessions and Stockholm syndrom in attack ;-)

    About Maewyn, I'm not mentioning her for a reason - later on it will turn out why (if I told you now it would be a major spoiler).

    Commented on: February 4, 2014

  • Carriers

    That was both action-packed and emotionally loaded.

    I won't waste time on praising your awesome action sequences - you already know how much I love them.

    There were some surprises in this chapter. First, Carson. It angered me that he picked such a moment for a display of guilty conscience, but at the same time I appreciated the plausibility of such situation. I'm glad that Shay's boyfriend isn't just as badass as her - it makes her and his situation only more difficult and adds the spice to the story.

    Another big surprise was Axel. Like Shay, I was sure, he would behave like a chicken and hide behind the counter, waiting for the girls to save him. However, (gasp) it turned out that the boy knows how to repay his debts. Through this one action he became a legit character for me and gained my approval.

    The one thing I want to whine about, are the agents. One could think they learnt the lesson by now. First, they should shoot first, warn later. They had some encounters with our dangerous crew before and know that they shouldn't be underestimated. Actually, I'd expect them to use snipers.

    Overall, an excellent chapter. You described the action impeccably and, more importantly, you were able to convey all the emotions in a perfect, striking way. Well done!

    Commented on: February 4, 2014

  • Carriers

    This chapter was surprisingly cheerful (save the ending). Actually, I enjoyed the change of mood, to read about the kids fooling around and behaving as though all those horrible things never happened. It was a nice breather after a couple of very gloomy chapters and a death of a character. It worked like strong coffee for a tired person.

    I don't have any complains or plot holes to point out whatsoever, everything made sense. It was funny how modest the girls were about their overly revealing uniforms.

    I noticed one disturbing thing - the kids are slowly turning in cold-blooded killers. It's caused by sheer necessity and the instinct to survive, but still, it's sad to watch their innocence and clear conscience get taken away from them. Earlier they were brooding over infecting one random person and now they spit into drinks to infect as many as they can as fast as they can (good idea by the way).

    Commented on: February 4, 2014

  • Every Hundred Words - A Drabble Collection

    Now that was harsh on women (sadly accurate regarding some of them). Come to think of that, many girls are money-sucking vampires who won't spare even a nice, poor boy like the one from the drabble.

    The pure turqoise love is a ray of hope, isn't it? It's nice to know that there are decent people left in this world despite how rotten the society can be.

    Commented on: February 4, 2014

  • Every Hundred Words - A Drabble Collection

    So true. A short yet inspiring and beautiful drabble. I suspect that you could put such well-formed words in the mouths of every aspiring writer. You grasped the essence of what a writer attempts - to show the soul through the craft.

    Commented on: February 4, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    The scene at the shop was priceless. I felt so bad for Alex junior, my heart truly went out to him ;-) "Was he crying?" I guess that every normal person would cry when around Jason and Michael (especially Jason, Michael can be bearable at times). Anyway, I'm glad he didn't embark on the next journey with the boys - that would be just too cruel for poor, unhappy Alex.

    So, as I wrote before, the dialogs at the shop were excellent - one of best in the story so far, made me laugh out loud. Amisto is a pretty mean guy - he gave the boys almost no money (it even wasn't enough for food). I thought that he would be more generous with all that wealth surrounding him.

    When you mentioned the second companion, I hoped it would be Bianca - it would be nice to have something with ovaries in the fellowship. Well, sometimes you just have... a crab ;-)

    Commented on: February 4, 2014

  • The Curse of King Arthur (Being Rewritten)

    Wow, there was even more action in this chapter. What I liked the most, was that you organized a battle with all of the characters - it definitely made the scene more dynamic.

    Okay, I'll give a book review now (it's not complete yet, so forgive me if I jump to conclusions).

    Writing Style

    Overall good.

    Pros: the narration is filled with humor, the descriptions are fine (although I would like the story to have more of those), the vocabulary diversified. I loved the orginal names for the goons (psycho bitch, barbie and others) - it added your touch to the style, it made the writing style stand out.

    Cons: sometimes too many pop-culture references, occasional typos and repetitions - nothing that can't be fixed.

    Characters

    The greatest strength of the book. Austin is likeable, he had his weaknesses, but has many positive traits as well. He's an almost normal human being and it's very easy to relate to him, even for girls I think. The humor his thoughts introduce make the story feel light and the reading pleasant. The supporting characters are very good too, especially the girls. I liked the contrast between Katie and Raegan - one is a fighter and the other one more of a drama queen (but she's smart). Nimue is great, of course. The weakest of them is Blaine, I feel he would use a bit more of development. However, his character isn't dull - it's just the others are outshining him.

    About the characters, the weakest spot in the story is the villain. The idea of a malicious sorceress who wants to stir some trouble is good, but Morgana could use depth. At this point of the book she seems like a piece of cardboard - I can tell about her only that she's evil. It would be nice to show her tendency to manipulate in another way than creating an army of goons or show her reasons. She needs some human traits. Let's take Darth Vader as an example. As Emperor's goon he's boring, but when we find out that he's Luke's father, we become his fans.

    Pacing

    The story is well-paced. It starts slow, but it's not boring. Then there are exciting action sequences and I'm glad that you're not forgetting about the filler in between to let the readers cool off and prepare for another portion of goon fighting - it's necessary to do. If you don't, the readers will begin to yawn during most exciting duels. But, you already know that ;-)

    Storyline

    First, chapter no 1 isn't interesting enough to represent your story in all its glory.

    Other than that, the plot line is fine. At some point it became obvious that all of Austin's friends are from Camelot, but that didn't spoil the fun. The storyline is quite simple and progresses according to the algorithm: discover magical powers - get the team together - beat the villain up. There are some unexpected plot twists at the beginning of the story, but then they disappear. Overall, the characters carry your story. It would be good to think of some plot twist that will make the readers want to scroll back and read again with their eyes popping out ("I'm your father!" gasp!)

    All in all, some aspects of the story may need polishing (that's just my personal opinion), but I enjoyed it. The humor, the dialogs and the characters captured my attention and heart. Well done!

    I hope my critique wasn't too harsh - I tend to be honest to the degree of being bitchy ;-) Anyway, I'll take responsibility of every word of the review. If you have any questions, ask away.

    Commented on: February 4, 2014

  • The Curse of King Arthur (Being Rewritten)

    Good pacing - some action after the pervious slow chapter. I liked how Austin's and Raegan's talk sounded suspiciously like flirting. Oh well, things are doomed to get awkward between the two in the near future. The scene with pretending to be a lovey-dovey couple was a bit clichee, but still classic; as a slightly romantic girl I enjoyed it.

    Austin is getting smarter. In his situation I would have Nimue handle the mess too (I mean explaining the Camelot-situation to Raegan).

    As for the danger of being stuck in narrow openings, boys are in less danger than girl. Usually you slide sideways and some of us have boobs that make it difficult - trust me, it's most unpractical in narrow caves.

    I'm wondering why Morgana keeps sending her goons in pairs. If they ganged up on Austin, he wouldn't stand a chance. I suspect that Morgana doesn't have the power to control an army of goons at the same time.

    Commented on: February 4, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for the review and notifying me about the editing glitches!

    Commented on: February 4, 2014

  • The Curse of King Arthur (Being Rewritten)

    It was a nice chapter where the characters had time to regain their strenght and catch their breath. I have one question though - who's Caleb? I don't really remember reading about him.

    Other than that one complaint - when you write about Morgana you use the word "evil" often. It's good that you want to emphasize how evil she is, but perhaps you could alter the adjectives (malicious, diabolical, sinister). By the way, I liked how she got described as a "Psycho Barbie".

    As for the plot, I suspect that evil forces will be in offensive soon. I can't brush off the impression that you're not done introducing the characters (Guinevere, right?)... Anyway, a well-done chapter. I'll try to read the rest today.

    Commented on: February 4, 2014

  • Gifted

    Nice decoy. So Thomas was Gifted all along, not Samantha... Come to think of that it was a bit suspicious how Sam refused to let Janelle visit her brother. Gift of fire is quite useful when you're a blacksmith, huh?

    Now back to my favorite 256. His companion (805, right) send shiver down my spine - seriously, he creeps me out. He's so ruthless, so twisted... it got me horrified when he voiced his opinion about how disposable the unGifted are and that only punishment for them is death. It really made me worry for 256's future. He may either somehow escape 805's grasp or fall under his influence and become a cold-blooded killer himself. I know it's not exactly good, but I vote for the second option, it would be more exciting (and I often root for a villain).

    It's sad how Carey's talent seem to be useless in combat. Invisibility could come in handy during missions or assassinations (and evacuations), but not in a simple fight. Anyway, there was some nice action in her POV, some dramatic revelations and it was interesting to read.

    Commented on: February 4, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Once again your intuition is correct! And yes, witches are fun and I had a great time writing about Lavena.

    Commented on: February 4, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Oh, the editing glitch. Thanks for spotting all those things. As for the inspiration for the history of the Laismarans, everybody seems to interpret it their own way - American people think it's like the native Americans, you thought of the Aborigens. Actually, such things happens every time an invader takes over a piece of land. I was using Celts for reference material.

    Commented on: February 4, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    I'd like the comments for every chapter if that's not a problem for you. I simply love reading feedback (helps fix stuff) and as for the predictions, don't hesitate to write about your theories. The plot is safe - I have everything planned out and right now I'm filling the holes.

    Commented on: February 4, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Snow fiasco? Don't worry, we have snow fiasco every year.

    I know that sympathy for Aedain rides the rollercoaster ;-) As for the signal about the possible romance, it would spoil the plot. I can say this about May and her romancing - it won't happen overnight and super-quickly. Plus, she's not really a victim of a Stockholm syndrome... But I sense some suspicious stuff in a few chapters.

    Commented on: February 4, 2014

  • The Curse of King Arthur (Being Rewritten)

    Technical issues: I noticed that sometimes the last letters of words disappear mysteriously (ask'ed') - I've counted quite a number of such typos. Other than that, it stood out that you like to mention various movies from time to time. It's okay if you do it once or twice, but doesn't look very good when you do it too much. Be careful about the repetitions too.

    I enjoyed Austin's snappy narration a lot and it made me like the main character even more. At first, I found it awfully "coincidental" that Katie was a reincarnation too. However, it seems that all the major characters have ties with Camelot. Actually, guessing who is who turned out to be fun. As soon as Blaine started sprouting prophecies, I figured out, he's Merlin. I'm sure that Reagan is Guinevere. The only person who is out of all suspicion is Gran (although I keep searching in my mind for the characters who could be her "ancestors").

    Finally, Morgana made a serious move - it's good she's a beautiful woman, not a hideous witch. I always thought the villains are more menacing when they're attractive and human-like. The idea with possessing people and the mark was great and very creepy. Using people as mindless puppets surely suits the image of an evil sorceress.

     

    Commented on: February 3, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    That was low of Zhawn, but he's the villain. He has to do malicious, manipulative stuff ;-) Thank you for reviewing, your reviews make my day!

    Commented on: February 3, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Ah, the squishy stuff.

    May is a brave girl, huh? I think that I'd vomit after seeing legs fly by or something like that... Or maybe not.

    As for the pendant, it's supposed to be a magical Key, so I can't really reveal all the information, especially that it will become relevant in the future. And Erik can touch it safely, because he's the Guardian.

    Commented on: February 3, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    I'm glad that the murder of the lizard demon went well ;-)

    You grasped the merit of the scene - my idea was to show how dangerous and ruthless Aedain is.

    Commented on: February 3, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Your predictions about the political repercussions of Abrran's "accident" are correct ;-)

    I'm glad Zhawn seems evil - villains should be evil right?

    As for the Spear, yes, no matter who finds it, people will be screwed.

    Commented on: February 3, 2014

  • The Curse of King Arthur (Being Rewritten)

    Chapter no 7 had some repetitions at the beginning and, for some reason, more typos than the other ones.

    Overall, the plot is progressing nicely - I loved how you made Katie a reincarnation of Lancelot, although it seems a bit too coincidental that two reincarnated people would be so close to each other. Anyway, another things that made me nod with appreciation were Katie's fighting skills. I like when women can do more than look pretty and wait for the hero to kiss them. At the moment both Katie and Nimue are more kick-ass characters than Austin (but I still like him). I had doubts about one issue - Katie taking Krav Maga lessons since she was 8. Krav Maga is quite a dangerous sport and causes plenty injuries. I don't think that the parents (or foster parents) would allow a little child to be put in such a danger. Usually people start with Krav Maga over the age of 13.

    Enough with the details, back to the plot. Morgana's minion appeared at the right moment, just in time to save Austin from the awkward explaining. The fight scene was nice. The moments with Katie were okay too, but the scene with Raegan was a bit boring (although her character was feisty - is she Merlin?).

    Currently, I'm waiting for Morgana to appear herself. The minions are fun to meet, but she should show up before I begin suspecting Gran ;-)

    Commented on: February 3, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    The chapter is called Demon Blood, because, as Baltar points out, Erik is half-demon.

    I never watched Lilo and Stich; what are the similarities?

    As always, thanks for the review and pointing out the inconsistencies. Legs shouldn't wobble when you sit...

    Commented on: February 3, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    I was a bit surprised by Jason's hesitant attitude. I expected him to react: "Yay, let's go on an adventure". Well, perhaps after the last trip he revised his opinions on the adventures. I can't blame him actually - adventures almost always hurt, sometimes a lot.

    I could sympathize with Jason regarding the meeting with his parents. I wouldn't like to tell every detail of his journey either. It would be a divine punishment waiting to happen.

    Jason's stupidity made me perform a facepalm - damn, he's so idiotic at times. I really admire Michael for surviving his company. About the flashback, Lamia was a very witch-like name ;-) I liked the humor in that scene as well ("Unicorn it is").

    Commented on: February 2, 2014

  • Carriers

    Ha. The long awaited moment has come.

    Marena had a point that it wasn't a coincidence, the kids became the Carriers. Come to think of that, most of them should have died... Seems legit. I was also convinced with the idea that the virus kills old and weak people, but I'm baffled with the theory that it kills idiots as well. Like Shay, I find it virtually impossible for a virus to be able to determine if the person has high or low IQ. Hmm... Actually I'm curious how it will progress, if Marena's theory will hold and if yes, how will you explain this.

    Anyway, I'm glad that Shay was reasonable this time and heard Marena out. It was a fine chapter; good that you decided to split the chapter into 23 and 24 - it was easier to read that way.

    And idiot-killing virus... the idea is interesting. I would like to use it on the people I know - my life would me way easier and more pleasant ;-)

    Commented on: February 2, 2014

  • Carriers

    This was a sad chapter.

    First, I liked the moment of affection between Carson and Shay. Because of the crazy situation the two of then didn't really behave like a couple (what was very understandable and only natural). That brief moment between them made me sigh with sadness, hoping they would be somehow okay.

    Now, the issue with Jacey's body keeps bugging me. Damn, they risked the life of the surviving members of their group for the sake of the corpse. Of course it was very humane and righteous of them, but I keep having this feeling that it wasn't what Rambo would do. It would be logical to leave dead Jacey on the bridge - perhaps her ashes could get buried on the family cemetery by her parents? On the other hand, the kids were in shock and it seemed like a good thing to do.

    I suspect the next chapter will be even sadder.

    Commented on: February 2, 2014

  • The Curse of King Arthur (Being Rewritten)

    I'll be giving one review for 3 chapters.

    Impressions

    In general, they're good. I quickly got used to the present tense narration, although I was skeptic about it at first. After reading first two chapters it doesn't bother me at all.

    Chapters 2,3,4 are way better than the first one in terms of the character development. I loved the humor and how the elements of the Arthurian legend keep appearing in a familiar yet altered way.

    Characters

    First, what I liked the most, was the difference in speech between people from the Camelot and the contemporary teenagers. In chapter one there was quite a good sample of typical dialogs that Austin had with his friends. Nimue is speaking in a strange manner that seems to be very formal and old-fashioned, what convinces me, she's not a regular human from XIXth century. Morgana's minion was speaking a bit like her too. Such details add depth to the story - good job.

    Austin

    Congratulations here. In chapter one he seemed a bit bland, but now you caught up on the character development by showing him in various stressful (and unusual) situations. I liked how you rather showed his character traits by his behavior and reactions to certain situations. Austin is courageous and caring - he didn't run away and leave Nimue alone. He can be feisty (the whole Nimue issue) and creative (lying to grandma). Austin is definitely a likeable hero, I'll read about his adventures with pleasure. He seems to be smart, I have no problems with relating to him. Good job!

    Nimue

    She's great. At first I thought that she'll be that type of a serious sorceress, but she surprised me nicely. She is playful and a bit mischievous - the dialogs between her and Austin added much of great humor to the story. It seems that Austin is in for the trouble considering, his charming bodyguard will become his classmate.

    Plot

    I wasn't expecting that Nimue will enroll in Austin's school. Actually, I predicted that he will travel back in time and replace King Arthur. However, I like surprises.

    So far the story isn't progressing rapidly, but although the pace isn't breakneck, I don't get bored (humor does the trick). Besides, it was good to get to know Austin and find out basic stuff about who the archenemy actually is. It looks like the story will repeat itself - Austin will have to defeat Morgana (I wonder if Mordred will be reincarnated as well).

    Now about the plot twist with Nimue. I love the idea of her staying with Austin (I wasn't entirely expecting this to happen), but I can't help but feel that the twist with a new transfer student is very common in Japanese manga. Well, we'll see what will come out of it.

    Overall, it was an interesting introduction and I'm intrigued how will the plot progress.

    Commented on: February 2, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thank you for the comment.

    Ku ku ku, someone appreciated the emotional scene - May may be a tough girl, but she's still human, right? As for Aedain, his inner squishiness is overwhelmed by "evil-coolness" I guess ;-)

    Commented on: February 2, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Answering to the question, I would let the world burn if only my loves ones were safe (I know it's selfish, but I suspect that majority of people would do so).

    It's crappy when you have to write a review twice - my heart goes out to you and I'm thanking you for the review double!

    Commented on: February 2, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    It's not awkward to me ;-) It's just only natural that women relate to the female characters more often (with a brilliant exception - "Harry Potter"). As for your book, right, every major character is male (Jason, Michael, Rex, Calvin - if someone's name is Calvin, he's a he). The minor characters were mostly male too - Amisto, Alex II, the dog crew. Bianca is really the ONLY girl and her role is very brief and not very active. It would be a nice addition to have a kick-ass girl or two in the story (it makes it seem less like Dragonball).

    Commented on: February 2, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Damn, you're good with spotting the details. Thanks for the entire crest and special little thanks for this crest!

    Commented on: February 2, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Is... is Michael going to be the new setahr?

    Anyway, it was a very enlightening chapter. Finally, Amaatlik got mentioned - so the new mission would be to save the world and the sun (seems legit). With time I began noticing the differences between Michael and Jason. In the recent chapters they became more profound; Michael is clearly wiser, more responsible, but I sense the dark side is strong in him - he's a bit jealous of Jason's power and seems to be too pleased to have the post of setahr. Jason, on the other hand, is carefree, doesn't think about the consequences and thinks using his heart rather than his brain (so love does make you stronger).

    It was nice that Amisto appeared again - I almost forgot about him ;-) Anyway, I don't think he'll be happy with the new setahr. I doesn't matter which one of the boys will become the new one, the setahr will go on a next trip...

    Commented on: February 1, 2014

  • The Curse of King Arthur (Being Rewritten)

    I loved how you incorporated Arthurian legend into the story - the Lady of the Lake and Elaine (she was originally Lancelot's wife). It's hard to tell yet, but I suspect that there will be some serious changes though - Elaine from Austin's dream was far from a frail lady. Anyway, I vote for equality and cool women with swords; from what I know most female readers appreciate when the women are depicted not as damsels in distress.

    I'll save my judgment about Austin for later - so far he seemed a bit colorless and assumed a role of a narrator. I feel that it might be good for the character development to flash out several of Austin's character traits or hobbies - it could help get a better grasp of who the protagonist actually is. I'd like to know from the start what he likes, what kind of person he is (shy/outgoing/delinquent). I gathered from the first chapter that he lives with his grandmother (parents probably dead), has a friend (good, he's not socially impaired) and good relationship with his sort-of-adoptive-sister Katie. So far, Austin seems like a good, nice boy.

    Blaine gives off an air of a sidekick; Katie is an empathetic person and I would like to know a bit more about her.

    I liked the dream sequence in the beginning - it made me want create wild predictions about the plot (right now I think that Austin will get sucked into the past and will have to replace king Arthur; the water woman will transport him there with her awesome magic powers). It was definitely a good idea to put that dream in the prolog as it sparked my interest and managed to uphold it till the end of the chapter. The part between the dream sequence and the encounter with the Water Woman was a bit weaker though - it seemed to be a little too static. However, I know how tough it's to squeeze all the information you had to include (Katie, Blaine, family situation, the nightmares). As for the structure of the chapter, it was impeccable - you created a nice closed construction. First a bit of the fairy-tale world, then enter the protagonist and it ends with the fairly tale meeting Austin. Such a cliff hanger at the end of the chapter also sparked my interest.

    I'm anxiously waiting for what will come next. I honestly hope, Austin will become a king. I'll read more tomorrow.

    Now your writing style. Overall, it's good. I think I might have spotted one or two typos, but the whole chapter was a quick and pleasant read. The only thing that distracted me was the present tense. Somehow I think that it should be used rather for books that focus on impressions and feelings (for example romance novels). Anyway, I'm not used to fantasy in the present tense, but that's the matter of style. I'm not saying it's wrong.

    Uff, I hope my feedback will be helpful.

    Commented on: February 1, 2014

  • Gifted

    I have the impression that you're dropping more hints about Raegan in this chapter ;-) And, I suspect that the little trip won't be very safe - an ambush is practically certain.

    805 creeped me out in this chapter. I was thinking just as 256 did - first, I started seeing 805 as a man of duty who's just and good at heart. I even suspected that he may want to do some reforms within the Council and the way the Gifted are trained, the way they live. But, when he killed that poor woman in cold blood, I changed my mind about him instantly - he's a ruthless ... guy (I don't want to curse heavily). That woman was defenseless! She only wanted to get help for her baby and she died because of that? Seriously, someone has to put an end to this. I'm voting for the resistance!

    Now my impressions of the first 20 chapters of the book.

    The characters.

    Nice job with all the characters, most of them are three-dimensional and some of them even harbor a secret (Samantha, Janelle's kid). My favorite is of course 256, who is developed excellently. The female characters show great strength of spirit and are interesting. I'm impressed by Janelle's change from a feisty villager to a responsible leader of the resistance. Samantha is a female Terminator with a dark secret. Carey started out well already - her stubbornness and the determination to resist captured my heart from the beginning. First, she was a little foolish, but with time she learn how to use her brain. And that is the greatest advantage of your characters - they learn, they change, they become better instead of staying the same during the whole book. My only complaint would be the shortage of interesting male characters. 256 is excellent, but Marvin isn't that thrilling. For now, I perceive 4 people as main characters - Carey, Janelle, 256 and Samantha (although she doesn't have her own POVs, but she's interesting).

    The Plot

    No complaints here. The plot is consistent and logical. There are exciting moments, action scenes. There is drama, shocking moments, blood and even some light romance (at least 256 would want some). The events are believable and the odds are usually not in the heroes' favor.

    Pacing

    Good, I didn't feel bored yet. More, I often held my breath when clicking "next chapter".

    Overall you're writing a nice book!

    Commented on: February 1, 2014

  • Gifted

    Wow, that was great. The flashback helped understand 256 a lot - it's sad that he coped with the childhood trauma with pushing the memories out of his mind. However, it's very common among people who experienced something horrible. 256 is definitely the character who got developed the most in the "Gifted". With every passing chapter with him, he appears more and more human - he has feelings, doubts. He had friends, but he lost them. I feel pity for him, but at the same time I hope that he'll use his bad experiences to make himself stronger and find the courage to do what is really right. It was very dramatic how he felt torn between his duty and his feelings for his friend, instructor and Carey. The life, he led, was quite miserable... 

    I'm curious about the mission. I suspect that in the future 256 will meet Carey (and it will surely get interesting). 805 is an intriguing man - he's a bit of an enigma. I have the feeling that he may have his own agenda, but he's really dangerous.

    Now about the Gifted in general. I like how you portrayed "the antagonists". The Gifted are not some nameless evil, but are humans, just like the rest of the population - they have the same feelings, the same thoughts (the only difference is that they're brainwashed). What Carey said in the previous chapter sums them up perfectly: "Their greatest weakness is that they're still human". I think some Gifted may even join Janelle's cause. There has to be more Gifted thinking like 256. After all, a life without any attachments, without love and friendship, is unnatural and sad. The Gifted themselves are not the bad ones, it's the regime itself that needs to be vanquished. I really root for Janelle to succeed. I wonder if she'll meet her daughter someday.

    Commented on: February 1, 2014

  • Gifted

    And it finally happened - Carey joined the rebels. I liked the way Janelle behaved; it was fun to read about that smug smirk on her face. Carey showed some brains in this chapter. Going straight to her village would be the stupidest thing to do and it's very good, she realized that. Actually, she doesn't have any choice other than join Janelle - the only other option would be hiding in the forest alone (not the best idea).

    Samantha at the end of the chapter made me gasp; she's really a dangerous one (and is Gifted for sure). I have another suspect in the rebels' ranks as well. I noticed that Carey thought that there was something disturbing in Samantha, who I believe to be Gifted. And, she saw something odd in Raegan. I guess she's sensing the Gift, the same way Assessors do when they snatch babies. Therefore, there is a spy in the resistance's ranks. Gosh, I'm wonder if I'm right.

    Commented on: February 1, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Great! That was the reaction I was aiming for! Life was tough for Aedain - just imagine spending eighty years with Baltar as a nanny. I would become an alcohol addict ;-)

    Once again, thank you for reviewing!

    Commented on: January 30, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for spotting the mistake (damn, you're useful). As for the sticks, yes, that's an expression used in Polish ;-) Sometimes I smuggle some of those.

    I guess it isn't much of a spoiler to tell you that Leif isn't a demon. He didn't sense the horses; he was simply splayed on the ground with his ear near to it - he heard them.

    I'm glad you liked the humor.

    Commented on: January 30, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Soon one of the demons will explain everything clearly. But you're right about the demons being the native people (the evil Indians). As for the clans, demons have clans, humans have dukedoms.

    Commented on: January 30, 2014

  • Gifted

    Another fine chapter.

    Janelle and the whole resistance appeared to me far more serious than in the previous chapters. The way Janelle acts and things has changed a bit - now I can see clearly her transformation from the girl, who has no clue what to do, into a responsible leader. I liked how Carey was interrogated - Janelle and the others treated her with a certain dose of respect and kindness. I found it very different to the way, the Gifted treated 256 when it became clear that he let Carey go. The contrast is very good - it shows which cause is just.

    Carey's, Janelle's and the others' behavior was very natural. I didn't spot any inconsistencies or awkward moments, so it's fine.

    I can't wait for Samantha to reveal her secret. I know that she's Gifted (I hope I'm right), but I need a confirmation. By the way, I like that you didn't reveal it quickly like with Marvin. I was half-expecting to find out about Samantha a couple of chapters ago, but it keeps eluding. Good job with it. I think that it would be fine to let Samantha keep her secrets for about 3 chapters more.

    At the end, Janelle displayed some realistic and logical thinking when she told Carey that her village is probably spied on. That was something I would expect of a leader of resistance. Go, Janelle!

    Commented on: January 30, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thank you very much! I like rounded characters too - the pieces of cardoard are just not that entertaining ;-)

    Commented on: January 30, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Oh, what a praise! And about the prince - no prince will save May; she'll have to save her own butt. My basic idea for this character was to make her overcome the obstacles using her brains as she lacks physical strength or magical powers.

    Commented on: January 30, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    You're right to be suspicious of Erik.

    As always, you're great for spotting the typos - thanks.

    Commented on: January 30, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Squishy side? I like that expression ;-)

    As for Meirch (the horse), he's supposed to be a nice, adorable horse-like beast. And being ugly doesn't mean the animal can't be cute - my tortoise is cute although he's hideous (and is an old pervert).

    Commented on: January 30, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Good job! That wasn't quite what I was expecting. In the previous chapter, the way Rex was explaining his actions felt awfully fishy to me and it only ensured me that he's lying (and he's doing it quite poorly).

    However, I expected Rex to be a demon, not Alexander. Well, the name could be a hint, but I missed it. Anyway, you have my congratulations for surprising me. I was sure that Rex was a bad guy all along and now... wow. I really like unexpected plot twists.

    What's intriguing me the most now, is the character of Bianca. She's dead, right? She said, she looks so young because she lived only for 16 years. So... she's either a ghost or a zombie.

    Commented on: January 30, 2014

  • Gifted

    You have a typo here: she's, not he's

    "Plus, if we talk to her and gain her trust first, it'll become apparent if he's a threat or not, and then we can take her hostage."

    I was a bit surprised that Janelle was sure right away that Carey is independently in the inn. I expected her to be more suspicious, especially in the light of the past events. It could have been a trap, Carey could have been a bait. I thought Janelle assumed she was okay just too soon.

    Now the part from Carey's POV was very good. It was believable, Carey's behavior was natural and justified. Samantha's story intrigued me and instilled the conviction, that she's a Gifted. I don't think it's a gift of fire though. I also have the feeling that the part about her single mother was inspired by Janelle's story. However, I'm anxious to drag her secret out, I'm sure it will prove far more interesting than Marvin's.

    One more thing came to my mind (actually it was a longer while ago) regarding Janelle and Samantha. Their hair colors, feisty spirit versus calm, deadly woman... have you watched One Piece by the chance?

     

    Commented on: January 30, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Actually, I'm not a fan of those kinds of relationships either, although I find the "evil" male characters attractive. Every time I see a heroine swooning over a "dark guy with the past", I think: "Are you out of your mind?! He'll make you a bunch of kids, there will be domestic violence and he'll end up being heavy drinker!"

    Thanks for reviewing!

    Commented on: January 30, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Your intuition is as good as ever. Aedain will spill the beans about the reason he hates humans in due time ;-)

    I'm glad that May is likable.

    Commented on: January 30, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    It's really hard for me to say a lot about Calvin - his story of origin is bizarre and he seems like a useful, nice wand... crab... sea monster - well, whatever he is. Actually, I view him more like a tool or a pet than a person. However, like I said, he's useful, saved Jason's skin.

    My favorite character? It's hard to choose, as I can't really find a character in "Hunting Amaatlik" who I can relate to. Jason and Michael are fun to "watch", I perceive them as two fools roaming around the word on their crazy quest. The character, who captured my heart most, was Skylos. I think the reason for it was that he was cool (even though he was a dag). Brave and equipped with a fighting spirit, he was admirable. I still hope he's alive ;'-)

    I hope you find my feedback helpful...

    Commented on: January 30, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    It was nice to get some Jason's POV.

    As for the whole adventure with Rex, the guy is suspicious as a devil. The act of killing Skylos' crew was cruel and unnecessary. I didn't quite believe that they were hellhounds and even if they were, I don't think they were evil. Skylos and his... dogs seemed like good guys and gave of way better vibes than Rex. Therefore - Rex is the enemy.

    It was a bit too random for him to just embark on the journey with the two boys and I suspect he has an ulterior motive, probably he wants to find Alexander. Maybe he wants to use him or his knowledge for his own, twisted reasons. I could think of another possibility as well.

    I guess the book wasn't titled "Hunting Amaatlik" without a reason. The boys are on a quest to find Alexander... so Alexander is Amaatlik? Or maybe Rex is a demon in disguise? Anyway, I'll find out soon enough (I hope I will).

    Commented on: January 29, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for reviewing! I can sense that your favorite character is Aedain, isn't he? Oh, he's such a bad boy ;-)

    As for blaming Erik instead of herself, I thought that would be only natural - people do that a lot (unless you're a Superman). Once again, your reviews make me smile, so please keep writing them. After all, you have a couple of funny chapters ahead (I have a dark sense of humor sometimes).

    Commented on: January 29, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for the review and grammar hints. As for Erikąs suspicious gender, his character was originally a girl and you found a remnant of that (thanks).

    Commented on: January 29, 2014

  • Gifted

    256, no! Gosh, that was horrible; poor boy. Anyway, the scene of 256 facing the consequences of his hero-like actions was damn excellent. My attention was solely on reading one paragraph after another - it was really interesting and exciting, unfortunately in a sad way. The way you portrayed 256's feelings and thoughts was fantastic. I could really relate to 256 and experience everything he does as I read the chapter. I found myself completely immersed in the chapter.

    The rest of it wasn't worse - Carey had some bad luck (although I believe it will turn out to be good luck in the end) with stumbling upon the tavern. Her way of thinking was legit; a village girl could not know how to hunt, it's understandable and it's good you made her mention that.

    Marvin voiced my thoughts on the leadership in the resistance. I felt sorry for Janelle struggling to lead and I was beginning to have enough of her mopping around (although it was very natural and justified). It seems like my wish has been granted and there will be some action in the next chapter, which will distract her from having a leader's depression.

    Now about the story in general. So far, it's an awfully good story, definitely in top five of the stories I read on the writing sites for amateurs. The pacing is good, as well as the characters. The plot is well-thought out as well and fairly interesting. It's not overly complicated, but still grants some unexpected turns of events. I had some predictions about the story, but not all of them were right (fortunately - I like surprises). At the moment, I predict that Carey will convince Janelle that they're on the same sides. Then, the next mission of the resistance will be to retrieve 256, who will become a new member of the resistance (I guess he wouldn't have a choice).

    Anyway, the story gets better with every chapter.

    Commented on: January 28, 2014

  • Gifted

    Wow, that was an action-packed chapter. The pacing was great, there wasn't a moment when the pace slowed down.

    The scene at the beginning, with 256 and Carey, was simply adorable - I felt really bad for 256, even though I was rooting for Carey to escape at last. You did well with portraying the emotions and the blossoming feeling in 256's heart.

    Now, Carey's escape. The moment when 440 was about to rape her was very nerve-wrecking and kept me on the edge of the seat. Once again, great action descriptions. The scene was vivid and evoked a lot of emotional response ("someone save her!"). I was holding my breath when Carey was speeding down the streets and the confrontation with 256 was an excellent climax to the frantic escape.

    The fighting sequence was good and, oh, those emotions... I half-expected 256 to go with Carey (after the struggle). I really wished he would go with her, but it would be far more interesting with them on the opposing sides. The scene was awfully dramatic (in a good way). So far, this chapter was the best.

    Commented on: January 28, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for the dust hint.

    You cracked my Da Vinci code with the summary ;-) That's more or less (rather more) the idea of the setting! Just wait till the subplot of fight for freedom emerges and the set will be complete...

    Commented on: January 28, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    The chapters with the "advisor" (the ones in Orvik) are supposed to be a bit confusing in the beginning. Later on everything will become clear.

    Commented on: January 28, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    The scene with Abrran was supposed to give a final laugh before the crappy events that came later on ;-) I'm glad it worked.

    Commented on: January 28, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    It's the change that makes the story (and awesome quest to save the world). Being in the Callesmere changes May, but her character will trigger changes in some characters and events as well.

    Commented on: January 28, 2014

  • Gifted

    Seven dead rebels and not one Gifted killed? I feel bad for Janelle - this mission was an epic failure.

    The scene where 256 was tending to Carey's wounds was very good - tender and had an obligatory amount of dirty thoughts (okay, not so dirty). The development of 256's character is progressing and I even got a fine look into his past. The boy had a rather traumatic experience, huh? Poor lad.

    The whole conversation with 440 was very tense and really interesting - I kept praying for 440 to leave Carey out of this and to just leave.

    By the way, I'm curious if 256 will get a proper name in the future (don't tell me!). Referring to him as a number  is definitely awkward. Perhaps, he'll get a name from Carey some day.

    Now to Janelle's part. In this chapter her POV was a firecracker. In the beginning, I found her POVs much less interesting than Carey's, but, fortunately, it changed. Her evolution from a feisty girl, who wants to oppose the Gifted, to the leader of the resistance is amazing. The best is that it progresses naturally. As a leader, she hit the rock bottom now, but I believe, she'll rise like a phoenix from the ashes.

    About Janelle's daughter, that was a complete surprise. Usually, I'm quite suspicious about everything and everyone, but I didn't see that coming. Good job.

     

    Commented on: January 27, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Yes, you were right about Erik (and he didn't know about his demonic part of heritage). If I remember well, chapter 18 is a turning point for May - have fun with it!

    Commented on: January 27, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    And you're right to be suspicious. Soon a bunch of "things" will happen (finally the story is getting to the point). It would be a lousy story if May got home in chapter no 17 without any problems, right?

    Commented on: January 27, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Hmm... Actually, I love writing the descriptions and I'd like to include more of them. However, I needed to keep the first 18 chapters as short as possible, because I was afraid I'd lose readers' interest before the really interesting development in the plot comes.

    Commented on: January 26, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    This chapter may be a little confusing, but everything will become more or less clear in a couple of chapters.

    Commented on: January 26, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    I'll let you know whether it's working near the end of your book. I want to be able to see it in a bigger context.

    Commented on: January 26, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    In the previous chapter I loved the jokes about the pirates and tentacles. Plus, the idea of sailing away on a ship with the dog crew is extremely original in a weird way - this was the last thing I expected.

    Now, regarding this chapter, I was a bit lost about the narrator's identity. Usually, either Michael or Jason were narrating and the sudden shift to Skylos' POV is odd. It's absolutely okay if later on there are POVs of different people or Skylos is going to be the third co-hero. However, if that's not the case, a different POV destroys the nice construction of the narration you have here. Well, I think I'll be commenting on the narration while reviewing the chapters near the end.

    The flashback made me wonder if Skylos would join Jason and Michael on their quest.

    About the plot and the characters. I love the dog crew. The way they talk is very pirate-like and the names... they are basically named "dog", aren't they? (chien, Hund). And the name of the ship made me giggle.

    Commented on: January 26, 2014

  • Gifted

    I was waiting for the first confrontation between the Gifted and the rebels - battles and brawls are number one on my list of favorite moments in fantasy books.

    I absolutely loved Janelle's behavior at the beginning of the fight - she was very nervous (what was understandable) and even gave an extremely cliche "hero-speech", what made me amused. I think that the speech contained all the best lines from similar ones - "this has gone for too long", "children". However, I liked it, because I suspect that a beginner at rebelling would be tempted to come up with such a speech.

    Carey's fighting career wasn't too long, but that was expected - after all, she's a village girl after a crash-curs in fencing. And, she was unlucky enough to get in Janelle's way. Anyway, it would be unrealistic if she did well in her first real fight, so I'm glad that it ended the way it did.

    And...256! He brought some real action into the chapter with his kung-fu. The fight sequence was good and kept me on the edge of my seat. I was glad that 256 didn't hesitate to beat Janelle up (I'm not going to lie, I was cheering him on, although I wanted the rebels to win).

    As for the fight in general, it was brief, but you did well with describing the action scene. There were emotions there, nice blows and kicks. It was great to read about how the Gifts could be used in real life combat. I think Janelle was taught a painful, but much needed lesson. I feel sorry for the other rebels, but then again I remember how careless they were about this mission. Even a fool should know that if an enemy has an advantage, you MUST have a plan, a ruse.

    Summing up, great action. It was worth waiting for it.

    Commented on: January 26, 2014

  • Gifted

    The rebels attacked! How exciting.

    Okay, let's review this chapter.

    Janelle's part was quite pessimistic, but it's perfectly in order for the leader to have doubts and fear failure. I'm a bit surprised how the other rebels can be so carefree about the mission - the future of the unGifted depends on it! (I'm with Janelle on this one) I found it a bit uncomfortable how the members of resistance were prying into Janelle's past, behaving like gossiping grannies. Somehow this made me relate to Janelle more - I understand why she's so hesitant to socialize with her fellow rebels and why she's sometimes tired of their company; I would feel that way too.

    The cliffhanger at the end of the chapter was great - I planned to read and review two chapter today, but it looks like I'll have to change my plans, because the ending made me too curious. I didn't expect Janelle to find Carey first - I thought it would be the other way round. I suspected that 256 and Carey will track the resistance down and then somehow join. However, I like to be surprised - it's more interesting this way.

    Overall, a nice chapter!

    Commented on: January 26, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    This chapter was even crazier than the previous one.

    The crash-curs of magic was really fast. So, even fools like Mickey and Jason can learn how to use magic in like... three minutes? I'm really worried about those two rampaging all around the world, looking for Alexander.

    When wand which turned into the crab (named Calvin), I was quite surprised, even though I accepted that while reading "Hunting Amaatlik" I'm in for surprise. So, is Jason going to make magic using the crab now? Somehow waving with a crab is far less dignified than doing the same using a wand.

    That time when the boys got mugged was the last straw, pushing me to make a face-palm. Seriously, why are they so dumb? Oh well, at least they're amusing and they're misadventures make me laugh.

    Commented on: January 26, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Gosh, the paths of your story are strange indeed ;-)

    First kangaroos, now this. The boys embarked on a crazy journey and now they learn magic from a total stranger, who they happened to meet... that's odd and hardly logical, but it seems to be in style of your book.

    I'm a bit lost about the mechanics of magic, but this chapter explained quite a lot of my doubts and answered my questions. I was confused that there was mind magic (very convenient), but the boys needed a wand. I suppose a little lesson on magic was what this chapter (and I) needed.

    Recently I'm getting the impression that Michael is the main hero of the story, although Jason was the first candidate. I suppose that your story doesn't have a single hero, but two co-heroes (that's how it looks like).

    Commented on: January 26, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    I suppose that the flashback with Alexander should stand out more from the rest of the text - it would look much clearer. Other than that, it was a nice chapter. I believe I mentioned it already: it would be nice if the descriptions would be more extensive. The dialogues are well-written and funny, but they're not enough to fully show the world of Draida and the characters.

    Commented on: January 26, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for the feedback. Your critique was really helpful (you pointed out some stuff, I neglected a bit). I'm glad you liked the chapters so far. Have fun with the rest of them.

    Commented on: January 26, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Yup, the demons are scary guys.

    As for Abrran, he's a good man, although a bit pampered.

    Thanks for reviewing!

    Commented on: January 26, 2014

  • Gifted

    Great chapter.

    So far, 256 is my favorite character. I'm enjoying reading about him second-guessing all the years of brainwash, we went through. He started as a bad guy, but he's getting more and more likeable with every chapter. His infatuation with Carey is plainly amusing (I can't wait to read more about it), as well as his sudden shyness. He's definitely the most interesting person around, mainly thanks to his internal conflict between his destiny, loyalty to the Gifted and his conscience. Carey seems to be a trigger, which would help 256 find the courage to think for himself (what is he doing currently) and act according to what HE thinks is right.

    Carey's reaction to her new tasks was natural - I suppose I'd behave the same way in her situation. I'm rooting for her to keep her spirit unyielding as she did up to this point.As the rebellion is going to start in the Lake Village, the confrontation between the rebels and my favorite pair of Gifted is inevitable. Now, that will be fun.

    Commented on: January 26, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thank you for reading and commenting, you're the best!

    As for the romance and love-triangles, you're in for surprise ;-)

    Actually, when I was reading your comment, I was cackling (I know, that was mean). I suppose you have to keep reading, I don't want to spoil this for you.

    Commented on: January 25, 2014

  • Gifted

    I liked the descriptions of 256, Janelle and Samantha. They (the descriptions) appeared a bit late in the story, but better late than never.

    I expected Carey to come back - after all she's destined to make 256 join the dark side (at least that's my suspicion. They will find out about the resistance and then join). The whole scene of the escape was really nice, with Carey's inner turmoil. If I was her, I'd devise a way of navigating myself home, but she's a village girl - she has the excuse. About her being the village girl, I noticed she used the term: "hypothermia". The name for the condition has been devised quite recently and I doubt that the medicine in the world of the "Gifted" is developed enough for the villages to know such words (they don't even have plumbing and electricity, right). I'd refer to hypothermia as: death of cold or frozen to death.

    Marvin spilled the beans in this chapter ;-) Now I'm almost sure that Samantha is Gifted. She's far too mysterious and I get the "witch-vibes" from her. If it turned out that Marvin wasn't the one with the Gift, she might have avoided my suspicion.

    Overall, it was a fine chapter - there was a scene, which made me hold my breath, some great descriptions, revelations. Everything was there.

    Commented on: January 25, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    The war is coming, don't worry. It's currently in the stage of plotting (you should come across some chapters with that soon enough).

    As for Erik, there is something wrong with him. You're right to suspect him.

    Commented on: January 25, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Hilda is acting according to women's logic ;-)

    As for May's lack of faith in demons, let just this be an irony...

    Commented on: January 25, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Kangaroos? That was really odd ;-)

    Anyway, I like the way the boys are treating magic - they behave a little bit like two idiots during a physics class. I have a bad feeling about their future adventures, given their mishaps from this chapter. The plot and pacing were absolutely crazy and abstract, so I won't bother writing about logic (fascinating). The chapter was just as hilarious as the previous ones and just as pleasant to read.

    I feel that the characters of Michael and Jason need some development, but I guess, they have many more chapters for that.

    I liked how the challenge helped Jason get his confidence.

    Commented on: January 25, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    Now that was fun. Thanks to the witty and casual narration, the chapters were a quick and pleasant read. However, I sensed disturbance in the Force with the very narration, which I like. It's about the POVs. The last two chapters were from two different POVs - Michael's and Jason's, but the narration style didn't change even a tiny bit. The general style, word choice, sentence structure were the same, as if it was one POV. When you're doing different POVs, you're not only showing the story from another perspective, but you also give insight in your characters. Their thought patterns should vary, as well as the words they chose (one can swear a lot, another can be overly polite). Otherwise, the characters may blend together.

    Back to the plot. The turn of events is... strange and quite rapid, but the crazy pace is what I like. I only regret that there aren't much descriptions of Draida, townsfolk and even weather conditions - I love all those tiny details. But you're making up for it with the humor, The "Terminator" reference was amusing.

     

    Commented on: January 25, 2014

  • Hunting Amaatlik

    I liked the casual and light form of the narration. It was really refreshing. Not serious, but amusing. Draida has been shown in an intriguing way through Jason's eyes - the existence of the police, the outline of social situation in his town, magic... you conveyed information in a funny way. The style of the narration may be weird, but I find it rather an advantage.

    Technical issues. I think, it may be better if the sentences were longer and more complex at places. In certain paragraphs it showed that they were too short, thus making the narration seem jerky instead of fluent.

    I'm also waiting for the description of Jason - I still didn't really catch how he looks like. However, I liked the brief summary of his family status and how naturally his friend Michael got introduced.

    The plot. It was nice to find out right in the beginning what or rather who Amaatlik is (I hope I spelled it right). Plus, the situation with the mage was hilarious. Not the "Lord of the Rings" style to have someone embark on a journey, but still fun.

    Commented on: January 25, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Aw, thank you. Good that you find the POV shifts quite fluent - I used to have a bit of a problem with them and fixed it (hopefully). As for the cannibals, it's not cannibalism if you're eating another species, but, yes, it's horrible.

    Have fun reading!

    Commented on: January 24, 2014

  • Gifted

    I'm really wondering what the Leader's true motives are. I'm worried too. Sending Carey of all people outside, to deal with the resistance movement, seems like the worst idea ever, given her Gift, past and her eagerness to escape. I don't think that the Leader is so dumb, that he has no clue about it. Quite the opposite - I suspect he has some ulterior motive. Perhaps he plans to break Carey's spirit somehow.

    The part with Janelle is a bit gloomy - I guess that the weight of the responsibility is too much for her to handle, at least alone, and she will have to understand this soon. I'm really rooting for them and I suspect, they will have new recruits (cough... Carey... cough... 256).

    I was also wondering about Janelle and Samantha. I keep getting the feeling, that there is something more than friendship between the two. Hm, I wonder if it's a false alarm or is there more to it.

    Commented on: January 23, 2014

  • Gifted

    I loved the moment when Rosa called Marvin "Patrick" and his answer - that was hilarious.

    Overall, this chapter was very excellent. The whole situation in the inn was very believable, realistic. The people reacted to Janelle's speech just as I'd expect them to react. I liked how Janelle was struggling to get and maintain their attention on what she had to say and that she didn't meet with much enthusiasm. The moment when the people started showing up in the basement was very heart-lifting, but everything came down crashing when people started asking Janelle what her plan was. And this was another thing I liked in this chapter - it was very logical. If someone wanted to talk me into overthrowing a regime, I'd expect him/her to have a plan of some sorts, at least a sketch of a plan.

    Anyway, it seems that things are starting to look better for the wannabe revolutionists. This chapter was definitely the best of Janelle's appearances for far.

    Commented on: January 23, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Are you sure, you're not a Jedi? You're good at sensing darkness. As for the subplot, Erik is very important for the main plot of the story.

    Thanks for the review.

    Commented on: January 23, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for spotting that. It must have escaped my attention.

    Commented on: January 22, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Good you liked him. Actually, there is a character of type 1 in the story, but he's rather cheerful than tortured. And, he won't be very popular with the ladies ;-)

    Commented on: January 22, 2014

  • Gifted

    Carey's dream was amazing! Damn, you overdid yourself - the description of Wesley's death was simply awesomely detailed. I really was swooning over the descriptions ;-)

    I noticed that the dark side is consuming 256 even more and I love it. I was very surprised that he can't read, but that makes sense. The Gifted seem to be obsessed with maximizing the usability, so it would be pointless to teach 256 how to read and write if he doesn't need the ability for his tasks (and all dictators know that the books may be a dangerous tool).

    When Janelle struggled to do her "revolutionary" work, I made a face palm and giggled - her efforts to have people join the rebels were amusing. Well, beginnings are always hard. Usually, when the resistance is shown in books and movies, the organization is already formed, so it's interesting to read how Janelle wants to build it from the scratch.

    I have to say, that you have a realistic approach to the resistance with Janelle's group being short of money and having trouble recruiting new followers, lack of ideas how to overthrow the Gifted. It's refreshing that the quest wasn't that easy.

     

    Commented on: January 21, 2014

  • Gifted

    Carey was great with her defiance as ever. I really like how stubborn and feisty she is, plus she's getting smart. The idea to get stronger first and then use the Gift of Stealth to escape was jackpot, even though it won't be that easy to execute the plan.

    What I appreciated the most, was the character development of 256. He started as a totally bad guy, his attitude towards Carey made me despise him, but gradually, he shows that there is more to him. He has his own opinions, doubt in the righteousness if the Council's actions - a little more time spent with Carey and he'll join the dark side of the Force ;-) Besides, it's good to have a male character around.

    The last part of the chapter was quite informative. It's good to know the limitations of the Gifts. So far, the plot line with Janelle is the weakest. Carey's side has a heroine with a distinctive personality, clear storyline and and interesting character of 256. In comparison, Janelle is a bit bland, although she's feisty too. Her companions aren't as thrilling as 256 - Marvin is nice, has some knowledge, but he's a goody two-shoes. Samantha is surely a mysterious one and perhaps she should be flashed out more. What is the greatest weakness, the "rebels" don't have a clear objective - they follow one clue after another, but I don't see an ultimate goal here.

    Okay, I hope I wasn't too cranky about Janelle. I suspect that the both plot lines will meet at some point and I'm really curious how will it happen.

    Commented on: January 21, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    As for the romance, there will be a little in the Book 1, and it will come from an unexpected source (although you might be able to guess, so far your intuition was good). There will be a war and some scheming. Like you, I'm a fan of fictional wars (not the real ones; my grandparents survived war, so I know from them what hell it is), fierce fighting and just causes that aren't so just at all.

    Commented on: January 20, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    I'm glad you liked it. Actually, these characters will be quite involved in the story... quite a lot (I'm not going to give any spoilers, have fun reading later on).

    Commented on: January 20, 2014

  • Kingdom of the Ravens

    Seriously, he passed?! Gosh, I'm jealous.

    It's a bit sad, but I think a modern teenager would look for the info on ravens in the wikipedia first, not in old-fashioned books in library. But, the scene was nice and brought back some memories from late 90-ties.

    The whole search for clues was really interesting and sucked me in. My curiosity has been awakened - what will happen to James? Will he be sucked into the past filled with warlocks? Whatever happens, I suspect it would be worth a read.

    So far the pacing is good. It's a bit slow, but the mystery is making up for the slow speed. Besides, it's very thriller-like. Chapter 2 is considerably better than chapter 1 - I have the impression that not only it's more interesting, but also written better (style was consistent and worth a praise, the descriptions of feelings and reactions were brilliant).

    Splitting the chapters works for the story - the short chapters are gentle for tired eyes ;-)

    Commented on: January 20, 2014

  • Kingdom of the Ravens

    I guess no pain compares to the torture of stepping on Lego ;-)

    I really liked how you described James' odd hallucinations - it seemed very believable and vivid (one hell of an acid trip, huh?). Especially the repetitions emphasized the madness. You partially told about his poor state of mind via his thoughts, but also showed it through the interactions and the conversation with his father. As far as the emotions were concerned, this chapter was excellent.

    That raven during the driving test set the mood. I admit, I was a bit skeptical about the sudden shift to the modern America and the "longish" introductions of the characters, but now the story begins to resemble a fine-looking thriller.

    I also noticed that this part of text copes well as a stand-alone chapter - if not for the title, I wouldn't have guessed, that it's the first part of the bigger chapter. Well done.

    Commented on: January 20, 2014

  • Gifted

    Seems legit ;-)

    I hope you don't mind me nit-picking everything I can find - that's a nasty habit of mine. Overall your story is consistent and I didn't manage to find any major plot holes (I tried, trust me).

    Commented on: January 20, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    I'm relieved you don't find the long descriptions boring ;-)

    Have fun with the rest of the chapters!

    Commented on: January 20, 2014

  • Mystic Mirror

    Comas are my weakness - the punctuation in my language differs from the English one and I'm still working on it. I recently did some edits (today), so I hope that a good part of the mistakes is gone now.

    Thanks for the review.

    Commented on: January 20, 2014

  • Gifted

    Well done, you showed Janelle's background story without trapping readers in a boredom trap. The retrospection was just right, not too long, but it served its purpose. About Janelle, it occurred to me that she's old. From what I figured out, "Gifted" is set in a medieval-like world and then the unmarried girls at the proud age of 20 were already considered almost old maidens ;-) But, being still unmarried wouldn't be odd if the girl didn't have a dowry and I believe that would be Janelle's situation.

    Anyway, I'm siding with the revolutionists. Gifted remind me of a bit of Church in the Middle Ages - doing nothing really productive, but robbing poor farmers of their crops.

    I was a bit surprised that Janelle and Samantha had absolutely no clue where they were going, but I guess their enthusiasm took over. I suspect they will forge contact with the real revolutionists (or build the organization themselves) and become full-fledged warriors for equality.

    Marvin has a special place in my heart as a genuinely good person.

    Now back to Carey (I was waiting to find out what trouble will she stir for 256). She's a bit foolish - she has the right idea, but she carries her plans out wrong. I'm with 256 on this one - she should really stop telling him her plans and use an element of surprise.

    Giving the newcomers numbers in place of their names reminds me of German concentration camps during the WWII. The fact, that the Council wants the Gifted to stay in their rooms and not contact each other is an unsettling hint too.

    Commented on: January 20, 2014

  • Gifted

    Why didn't anybody just shoot 256? The fire may be flashy and useful for blocking way, but it useless against arrows, especially if fired from all directions. Hmmm, just my thoughts - I have the impression that Carey's family isn't trying hard enough. About the shock, I almost shouted at the screen: "Why are you standing around? Do something!" Oh well, at least the girl got kidnapped ;-)

    256. Now this guy is making me want to strangle him. His awesome personality and his views are really repulsive. I sincerely shared Carey's hatred for him.

    Carey. I've been complaining about her family's reactions, but her behavior was just the way it should be (very realistic, nice one). She's feisty, she doesn't cry or complain and she's ready to defend her freedom. Threatening 256 with the knife instead of killing him first was a bit foolish, but I doubt, that many teenage girls would be able to murder somebody without hesitation.

    Carey's new stare-technique made me grin and root for her even more. She impressed me when she didn't waver in front of the leader. As for the future events, I have absolutely no idea how the heck 256 is supposed to train Carey without losing his life.

    All righty, summing up. This chapter was an awesome introduction of the heroine. She was likeable before, relatable, but in this chapter she showed the full extent of her character and her inner strength. I suspect she'll get involved in Janelle's resistance and, frankly, she would make an excellent member.

     

    Commented on: January 18, 2014

  • Gifted

    A really nice chapter. The pace didn't slow down and all parts kept my focus on the plot. Good job with introducing Janelle and Samantha - I like the idea of female warriors. It seems that they're still inexperienced (at least Janelle), but they'll do just fine. The scene in the inn was fine, but it was odd, that the topic of the two girls missing came up and no one except the innkeeper figured out that they're sitting right here, although it was obvious.

    Now Carey. I just knew she won't be able to escape the Assessor that easily! Anyway, the second half of the chapter made the plot pick up the pace and kept the tension up. I was rooting for Carey to escape the Assessor all the time, so I guess you did really well.

    The very ending made me dislike Carey's family though. I was a bit surprised that she wasn't able to prevent him for dragging her out, but actually it isn't that unusual if the guy is strong and trained. But, why didn't her family gang up on him? He wouldn't stand a chance. Perhaps they were afraid of the consequences, but Wesley started defending Carey, but then he just gave up.

    Anyway, I'm curious how Carey will accommodate to her new life situation. I suspect that it would be like failing 18 grades and go to school at the age of 22 with 6-year old kiddies. Well, we shall see.

     

     

    Commented on: January 18, 2014

  • Gifted

    Overall, the prologue was good. You flashed the character of Casey quite well and gave the basic information about the fictional world. Not much, but enough to know more or less what is going on without getting a headache. Your writing style is great - reading the chapter was a very pleasant experience. The vocabulary is diverse, the sentences nicely built, the general style isn't pompous, but natural.

    Plot and pacing

    Pacing was nice, as well as the plot - after getting properly introduced, Casey gets kidnapped and her Gift manifests. There was something unexpected, a mild cliffhanger... enough to make me read the next chapter, so the purpose of the prologue is fulfilled.

    I sense a was Gifted versus unGifted looming on the horizon and I know Casey's going on a trip very soon (unless she gets recruited by Janelle, what would be entertaining).

    Once again, you gave just the right amount of information.

    Characters

    Casey

    You portrayed her background well. Coming from a farming family with many children and having to help her parents - seems realistic. Her relations with her family member were absolutely normal and I'm glad she isn't "a tragic, misunderstood heroine", I also liked that Casey wasn't a "super mega awesome person" from the start, because it leaves a lot of room for character development. Like quite a number of people, I get annoyed when the heroine is the most beautiful, talented, clever and popular in the whole kingdom, so Casey was able to gain my sympathy very quickly.

    Janelle

    She's a little revolutionary, isn't she? I can't really say much about her right now, but she's going to stir some trouble, which sounds like fun.

    Commented on: January 16, 2014

  • Kingdom of the Ravens

    Now that was a surprise.

    I was very confused at the beginning of the story, not having a clue what the heck is going on. Some parallel universe perhaps. Or are James parents the king and queen? The second option is less likely.

    Anyway, it was great how you linked the two worlds in the dream. At this point, I can't predict where the story is heading...

    In this chapters you flashed the "modern" Ravensdale family very well, each of them was described thoroughly, even the history of the family was shown. However, it was a very long chapter and after the exciting prologue littered with corpses, this part wasn't as entertaining.

    There was a mention of magic in the prologue, so I suspect James is going to down the rabbit hole and aid the kingdom. I wonder if I'm right...

    Commented on: January 14, 2014

  • Kingdom of the Ravens

    Technical issues and writing style:

    In the first two sentences you have a repetition of word "as".

    Missing coma: "Well...not all of them (COMA) the youngest ones had to stay home.”"

    In the paragraph numer 7 (counting from the bottom of the page) the repetition of the word "protruding".

    Overall it was very pleasant to read the prologue - the vocabulary was diverse, the sentences nicely built, I spotted only a handful of mistakes (see above). Nothing was really disrupting my reading pleasure, so point for you ;-)

    The characters.

    It's a bit early to judge them after the prologue. First of all, I was surprised that the hero of the story is married already and with children - it's not that often happening in books (bonus for you).

    Ryker appears as a completely ordinary, likeable, yet a bit grumpy young man. To me, he seems like "everyman" right now and I'm anxious to experience his character development.

    Sarah was a little bland - a nice, loving wife. A little witty, but demure. I was half-expecting her to be killed in the commotion. (there is a cliche - a perfect, pregnant wife gets killed, the hero swears to avenge her and...)

    Edmund. You did a really good job with him. He appeared for a moment, but it was enough time for me to develop feelings for him and make his death emotionally meaningless. I got the feeling that he was really a nice guy, the kind that would be great for a brother or a friend. After the first half of the chapter I liked him more than Ryker. Pity he died, but someone had to, right?

    Plot and pace.

    No complaints here. The chapter started slowly with the introductions, but the situation escalated rather fast. I didn't felt bored, maybe a little confused when the action started, but I suppose it should be that way.

    The massacre scene was bloody, there were dead bodies, old enemy returning - classic and I liked it. Somehow you managed to explain the issue with the villain Marcus clearly and that's good too.

    The retrospection was nicely done - not too long, but long enough to get a glimpse in Ryker's past and develop his character.

    A prologue's goal is to coax a reader into turning another page. In my opinion your prologue accomplished it - I definitely want to read more (and I will).

     

     

    Commented on: January 14, 2014

  • Carriers

    About Jaycee's death, the rest of the characters have minimal part in the story (except Shay, Marena, Carson and now Katrina) and play the role more of the background actors. If any of the leading 4 would die, that would be the shock. It's just there isn't really much of an emotional connection with the Red Shirts (Star Trek reference) and I have the feeling that their deaths may serve more to show the peril in which the heros are.

    Commented on: January 13, 2014

  • Carriers

    ll right, I'll wait for that theory a little bit longer. So... you have 36 chapters already... Good ;-)

    Commented on: January 13, 2014

  • Carriers

    Don't worry about Shay. By cold-blooded I meant she's shooting when she needs to instead of crying and moping around. I just don't like emo-characters and Shay is a very lively person, the true heroine.

    Thumbs up!

    Commented on: January 13, 2014

  • Carriers

    Only a bloody nose and a bruise doesn't correspond exactly with the force of the elbow blow executed by a grown male (Sorry for being so whiny about this).

    Commented on: January 13, 2014

  • Carriers

    I found a repetition of "rather reserved" near the beginning of the chapter.

    Later, you wrote that Marena is "ducking down". I'm pretty sure "down" is redundant. Ducking is always down.

    I was surprised Katrina bothered wearing make-up (she mentioned mascara running) in the middle of the gang's great escape. Did she have her make-up kit still with her or did she buy it somewhere along the way? I don't think I'd bother about make-up if my life was in danger.

    As always, I have nothing but praise regarding the characters' reactions. They feel very genuine. Now, who's my favorite character? I think it's Marena - cool, level-headed, sometimes awkwardly cold. 

    Now, when will you be updating? I'm not going to lie, I got sucked in and I'm still anxious to read about the THEORY.

    Commented on: January 12, 2014

  • Carriers

    Grr... I hate stupid people like Laylia, but they sure add tension to the story and spike readers' interest in the story (and increase the number of mental face palms). Well, thanks to her efforts the gang lacks one person now (I'd settle on a four-people group really).

    Shay experiences a crisis as a leader, what I find very entertaining. The other characters are fun (Marena, Carson and recently Katrina), but Shay has a real depth, just as a heroine should have. She turned out to be a capable leader, but there is a darker side to it. Good to have a three-dimensional character for the lead heroine.

    Commented on: January 12, 2014

  • Carriers

    Once more a lot of action and guns. Exciting, but not as much as the previous shootings. I noticed that the scenes with the cops begin losing their charm, mainly because they're repetitive - everything is fine - cops arrive - shooting/struggle - the Carriers escape and someone gets wounded in the process. It was fine first couple of times, but now it isn't that thrilling anymore. Earlier I was anxious to know: "will they make it?". This time I thought: "yeah, they'll run away as always. And Shay will probably shoot somebody"

    Enough complaining, I liked Axel's part. It was a fine touch when an outsider noticed how much the gang has changes since they became fugitives.

    Commented on: January 12, 2014

  • Carriers

    They can't have a break, can they?

    Finally Carson showed he's not the lady in the relationship. Compared to Shay and her habit of gunning people down without batting an eyelid he seemed to be a sissy (Marena is quite fierce too). Good that you're upholding his image as a male.

    However, I have a complaint to file ;-) What happened to the THEORY? I was really anxious to read about it after the cliffhanger from the previous chapter and I got a fat nothing... Oh well, one more chapter.

    Commented on: January 12, 2014

  • Carriers

    A calm before storm, huh?

    Good timing with this chapter after the crazy chases and shootings. The chapter got all of my attention - I liked both the part where the broadcast was and the one with the girls talking. It seems that Marena has a theory about the plague and I'm thrilled to read about it. I was a bit disappointed because of the cliffhanger, but it was a good disappointed - I wanted to finish for today, but it looks like I'll have to read one more ;-)

    I suspected that the rest of the gang (the ones who are bland) would be the ones to die sooner or later. Poor guys...

    Commented on: January 12, 2014

  • Carriers

    Oh, I liked the ending of this chapter, made me root for the kids. I wonder if they'd manage to live through your book. Perhaps there is a cure for the plague (there's always a retired co-inventor who knows how to find the vaccine).

    Katrina introduces some great humor to the story and I'm growing to like her more with each chapter.

    So... there are six of them left now? I think I lost count, but at least I'm remembering Katrina for her awsome sense of humor.

    Commented on: January 12, 2014

  • Carriers

    Shay has become a cold-blooded killer... I really like her character - strong, a natural leader, but she still seems to be a human.

    I'm glad Katrina got a bit more of "screen time" and turned out to be quite a likeable character. From what I remember, during reading the first 10 chapters I could distinguish only Shay, Marena and Carson. The rest of the gang were sort of bland (because there were so many characters). Now I see it changing and it's a nice touch.

    I hope to learn more about the plague soon...

    Commented on: January 12, 2014

  • Carriers

    It's been a while since I read this.

    Like before, I was thrown in the middle of the action. The pace of "Carriers" is crazy and never slows down, but it's an advantage. The descriptions of shootings and wrestling with the agents were awsome - rich in detail, dynamic.

    I have only one complaint to make. I'm confused about the part where the agent slammed his elbow as hard as he could in Marena's nose. It seems that she's perfectly okay after that though. Did he miss? Because if he didn't, Marena's reaction would be not pronounced enough. A blow with the elbow in the nose had to break it, especially that a grown, probably hand combat trained man used a lot of force. Strong blows in the nose can be lethal - sometimes the broken bones get pushed into the brain ("long-distance" blows). A person whose nose is broken automatically lifts hands to the nose and the pain is quite immense.

    Commented on: January 12, 2014

  • A Different Child

     

    Yay, magic.

    Most of the chapter was a heartwarming filler (but it was nice in a fluffy way) and I'm glad that there was a magical development at the end.

    Now after I read what you've posted I'll give you my full-review.

    First of all, you have to know where your story is heading. If your story will be a thriller, it's great to have a slow idyllic beginning (like what I've read so far), but then there has to be a BIG BANG and it needs to happen really soon (chapter 3 or chapter 4). If it doesn't happen, your boo will become boring. Now, if you're planning to make it into a story about life, you need to create obstacles to overcome. Remember, heartwarming filler is nice, but if there is too much of it, the readers will lose their interest.

    If you have a problem with plot building, you can try creating a storyboard before you start writing. It helps to see which parts of the plot need to be introduced sooner or later to keep the story flow at the desired pace. It is also a good idea to note what exactly you wish to convey through every scene. Sometimes the scenes were fun to write, but they don't contain any important information and drag the story down. Okay, that was just a tip.

    Another thing, it was mentioned that the hero was irresponsible. You didn't really show that. In my opinion he was acting very mature, well-behaved and extremely responsible. Most of the teenagers I knew would simply kick the kid out of the house or yell for mom and then they wouldn't take care of him. It could be a great idea to show a change triggered in the hero by Caiden - a change from an irresponsible brat to a mature young man. It would add depth to your story.

    The hero seems too flawless and perhaps that was the reason I couldn't relate to him. If I found such a guy in real life, I'd pounce on him and drag him to an altar ;-) I suggest changing his name - I read it several times and it's too complicated to remember.

    Caiden. I feel ambiguous about manga characters in the stories, but that is a matter of taste. The kid is adorable and far too sweet according to my standards (if I was behaving like that I wouldn't survive a day with my family), but then again it was heartwarming. I found it a bit odd that he's so cuddly though. Most 7-year old kids whack their siblings when they're trying to hug them. But, he's not behaving as though he was mentally challenged, so it's still fine. Caiden is way better than the cat girl from the other book.

    Also I suggest that the parents would get more "screen-time".

    Overall, "A Different Child" is not bad. I noticed quite a big improvement in comparison to "A New Kind of Block" both in plot and characters construction. It means your writing skills are developing and you're able to make most of the critique and learn on your mistakes. Don't lose your drive and get even better! Your language is nice, very fluent and I found the story easy to read.

    PS. Don't be disheartened by my critique - I'm a person who enjoys rather blood splashing everywhere than cuddly kids (except when the kids are the ones to splash somebody's blood), so I didn't sugar coat.

    Thumbs up and keep writing!

     

     

     

    Commented on: January 12, 2014

  • A Different Child

    All righty, let's comment.

    First of all, I noticed the improvement in comparison with the other book of yours regarding the procedures. The conversation with parents from the previous chapter, the chat police station and adoption seem more or less legit. Definitely a good thing. I also like the big brother - little brother relationship between the hero (his name is TOO complicated!) and Caiden (by the way, pretty name). I'm glad it's not parent-kid.

    My only complaint regarding this chapter was that the parents weren't present during the visit of the social worker. As I wrote before, due to the hero's age, they should be the legal guardians, although the hero could be the one who's really taking care of Caiden.

    Now which part of this chapter was interesting and which not so much. The visit at the doctor was so-so, my eyes closed there for a second. It didn't contribute much to the plot and I have the impression that the main goal of the scene was to show Caiden's cuteness. The adoption-talk was better, it was fairly interesting, but it was the last part that caught my attention.

    I also think that it was a good idea to split the chapter.

    Commented on: January 12, 2014

  • A Different Child

    I really liked the first part of the chapter. A divine mission sounds fairly interesting.

    Now, about the rest of the chapter.

    You have a thing for cat ears, don't you? Anyway, I don't advise to use Japanese term for the word "cat". People who are not familiar with Japanese language and animation won't know what the word means.

    The plot in this chapter was clear and I liked it much more than the previous story - I get the feeling that this one will be more consistent. Parents were cool and I liked how the cat-kid was taken to the police station. That was the behavior I'd expect from normal people. I was confused that the police officer wasn't shocked by the cat-kid, but I suppose that he knows something readers and the hero don't (It will be explained by the social worker, right?).

    I didn't find any major plot holes - point for you. I'm a bit worried that the 17-year old would be proclaimed the legal guardian of the cat-kid, what would be not so logical. It would be better if the parents would be legal guardians on paper, but the hero will have to take care of the cat-kid.

    Commented on: January 11, 2014

  • A Different Child

    I wonder who the kid is.

    Technical issues: you have a repetition of word: envelops/enveloped.

    I noticed you're using some fancy language here. Generally it's okay, the only phrase I didn't like was "the incubator of the chest". Incubators are supposed to be closed things like boxes (or womb), so it sounds a bit as though the kid went INTO the heroine's chest. Other than that, okay.

    I'm a bit unsure about the way the boy gets introduced to heroine's life. I mean, she should be worried that some kid wandered into her bedroom - I definitely wouldn't let the kid sleep in my bed, I'd wake up mom and stepdad right away, not to mention call the police. Holding some unknown child without any legal rights without notifying the authorities is a legal offense.

    It may be more realistic if the heroine met the child outside her house and DECIDED to take him in. Now that would be worth explaining to parents.

     

    Commented on: January 11, 2014

  • A New Kind of Block

    That's not fair! Don't lump all European countries in one chess team together, we hate each other and wouldn't be able to cooperate!

    Mint is just too perfect... I had high hopes for the ninja action with the cookie, but I was disappointed when she gave up on her mission to eat the cookie and came back to being a good girl. She'd be more likeable if she behaved like a normal child once in a while.

    Aliens everywhere...

    Commented on: October 27, 2013

  • A New Kind of Block

    Hm... I see a sharp contrast between Mint's immature, childish behavior (which is absolutely normal for a 3-year old) and her talents - both artistic and at chess. If she was a child prodigy, she should have behaved more mature, like an older child. When she behaves like a 3-year old and has some serious talents, I see here a manifestation of spectrum of authism (Asperger's) and I would take her for an evaluation if I was her parent.

    Commented on: October 27, 2013

  • A New Kind of Block

    I think Mint would use a bit of personality. She's extremely adorable and that seems like her only personality trait. Well, sometimes she's curious. Real children are selfish, rude, naughty, like to disobey their parents at times, complain during meals - such features make kids' characters look 3-dimensional.

    Commented on: October 27, 2013

  • Carriers

    Marena is great, I liked her before but in this chapter she bacame my favorite (although Shay is a distinctive character as well). I noticed that in your book girls are the ones who have balls. Shay is now the team's leader and killer (bodycount of 3 is... impressive) and Marena isn't staying behind. Carson had his tiny moment in the last chapter, but Shay outshone him. And Owen isn't doing a thing, he's more of a statist. I think the team would use a male character who would be useful - it would help the potential male readers relate to one of the characters.

    So far, I like your story. There are some plotholes, but the action and vivivd characters make up for them, reading every chapter is entertaining. I wonder how the events will play out. The kids are fighting their way through, I'm curious how long it would be till chaos errupts.

    Commented on: October 27, 2013

  • Carriers

    You know what I like about your story? The action. In every chapter there is something happening, there are chases, shootings, drama - the tension is up all the time. I reach the last paragraph before I know it.

    Now about this chapter. The chase sequence was nice and I absolutely adored how you managed to show Shay's and Carson's love here. Because of the nasty situation they were in, their love was being neglected (what is natural when one's life is in danger) and I'm really glad to see that it exists.

    Commented on: October 27, 2013

  • A New Kind of Block

    I think Mint may be starved - she weighs too little. This chapter was a "little fluffy", much like the rest of the story and I can't help but notice that you would use a conflict, something to keep the tension.

    Commented on: October 27, 2013

  • A New Kind of Block

    I would like to see how the feelings between Anthony and Halm developed. The jump from them being neigbors and then suddenly kissing each other was too fast. I wonder what's wrong with Helm to cause such reaction from Mint.

    Commented on: October 27, 2013

  • Carriers

    What an action-packed chapter.

    I like how you didn't neglect the fact that the car would run out of gas. The whole accident was due to Shay's stupidity, but I'm glad it happened - you showed thet Shay isn't perfect, she can act juvenile and unresposible at times, just like most of teenagers.

    The scene at the bar was a bit dragging on, but I see the purpose of it - you re-introduced the other characters. To be honest, I don't remember who is who except Shay, her boyfriend and Marena. I noticed however that the presence of the girls is overwhelming and Carson is doing a poor job at being a distinct male character. Give boys a moment sometime.

    Also, a cliffhanger - nice!

    Commented on: October 26, 2013

  • Carriers

    Gosh, those people who wanted to whack Shay were idiots. If they recognized their group as the carriers (I have the impression they did), the most logical step would be to either run or to take them down from a distance. Getting close to the people who can give you a deadly virus by touching you is just plainly stupid. If I was Shay, I'd kiss them all or kick their ..., just as she wanted.

    Marena strikes me as a reserved person who keeps her head cool, which makes a contrast with Shay's feisty behavior. I really like the difference in their personalities.

    One more thing, the reference to Hunger Games. This book is quite well-known, but it's not a pop-culture icon yet, like Star Wars, Star Trek or Indiana Jones. About 70% of people I know wouldn't have a clue who is Katniss Everdeen (I didn't remember her surname to be honest). Be careful with books and movie references, you have to choose the stuff everyone knows even if they didn't watch that particular movie or read that particular book.

    Commented on: October 26, 2013

  • Carriers

    I have a great praise for this chapter for you.

    I found no plotholes and I loved how you handled the fact the kids causes somebody's death (and Shay pulled the trigger). It's often neglected for the sake of pacing and I'm glad you didn't ignore the huge impact killing would have on kids. Shay's and others reactions were just how they should be, Marena's words were painfully true - it was a matter of survival. Remorse, doubt - everything was there.

    Commented on: October 26, 2013

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for the great review (especially for all the nit-picking).

    It seems I managed to get across the message I wanted (May won't missed too much). As for Maewyn, it seems that every single person expects the story to be along the theme "modern girl in middle ages, girl from middle ages in modern world", so the plot won't go that way ;-)

    Once again thanks for spotting all the mistakes.

    Commented on: October 22, 2013

  • Carriers

    It has to do how it's portrayed in movies about catastrophes, the speeches of US president always end with: "god bless you all/god bless America", it's very distinctive, much like a sound of an eagle squeaking in a diastance and everyone saluting at the ned of the movie.

    Commented on: October 22, 2013

  • Carriers

    Shay has some balls. The description of how she took down those agents was awsome, seemed quite realistic with the stray bullets and missing hits.

    The agents appeared as villains. They were very unprofessional while saying those stuff to Shay and not shooting her first, but ut made the kids more likeable. Shay's inner tumoil was great as well - she was struggling weighing her instinct of survival and moral side of killing someone and, of course, the first won. She surely has a lot of emotional problems right now, but the way she copes with them shows how strong she is. Yup, she's a fine heroine.

    Commented on: October 21, 2013

  • Carriers

    The broadcast sounded very reasonable and very... American.

    I think the kids are worrying about the wrong thing here. As I wrote in the previous chapter, people don't pay attention to the details in eyes unless they're glowing like flashlights. Moreover, it's very easy to hide the weird eye color by sunglasses or by contact lenses. I'm surprised any of the kids didn't think of that yet. I'd get sunglasses first and worry about everything else afterwards.

    The kids should be more concerned about the dead bodies they leave behind like an arrow pointing in their direction. As the people die really fast, the corpses are a dead giveaway of the kid's position.

     

    Commented on: October 21, 2013

  • Carriers

    Depressing, but true. Shay showed some good thinking here, unlike Carson, when she told him not to change the station. It's sad, but the kids ARE a threat to the public, it's okay they realized this.

    You explained why Shay is able to drive in a legit way - a cupcake for you. Overall it was another fine chapter, the characters behaved naturally and I spotted no plot holes whatsover (and you know I try).

    It's tricky that the only feature that allows to distingush between normal people and the carriers are rings around the pupils, because no one really pays much attention to such details normally. I once made a survey among my friends and asked them about the eye colors of our aquaintainces (I always pay attention to people's eyes, maybe I'd have a chance to survive the plague?). They were bacisally guessing, having a hard time telling if a person has blue or brown eyes, not to mention the shade or spots on irises. So, the future of the world is grim ;-)

     

    Commented on: October 21, 2013

  • Carriers

    Great chapter, fine action and loved how the characters were interacting with eachother. Shay's ideas to blow stuff up were especially comical and the decision to block the passageway with fire was clever. I feel the kids have future after all.

    I think the scientists who created the virus made a blunder considering the window between infection and death. Plot-wise it's great, the maccabre descriptions of people dying whithin seconds after touching the carrier are awsome. But (my nagging starts here) it's awfully easy to deduce who the carriers and infected are (they're probably a few steps sawy from the victim) - it will make tracking down the kids easy. Moreover the virus is not effective if the necessary quarantine time lasts about a minute. The infected won't have enough time before their death to walk around and transfer the plague. End of nagging.

    But the action was great, you are doing very well with the dynamic scenes, many people can't get them right, but you do.

     

    Commented on: October 21, 2013

  • Wingless Bird

    I loved how confusing the chapter was. It kept me thinking: "That the hell is going on here?"

    Anthon's behaviour was great, I mean conversing with the kidnappers - it was unusual and thus funny.

    The idea with being invisible, but looking like a moving sheet of glass was very good. Nowadays the scientists are experimanting with the "invisibility" and it kinda turns out similar, only worse. So,your idea was legit.

    When Anthon woke up home and found his parents casually talking to his kidpanners, I just felt delighted by how weird the situation was. Overall, a really good chapter, I think it's most entertaining one so far.

    PS. Review Mystic Mirror please.

    Commented on: October 21, 2013

  • Bodelia's Anguish

    So, Bren'has is evil. How dastardly of him.

    Anyway, a nice conclusion although I'd like Bren'has to receive a more serious punishment which wouldn't put the future at risk, but i suppose there wouldn't be as much fun without an evil, powerless god lurking in Alhassa. Yes, I think Bordelia made a mistake she'll regret in the future.

    I'm not sure if you noticed, but there are weird formatting issues in Chapter 3 and Chapter 2 - the font has different size in certain paragraphs.

    The story about Bordelia and the gods was a light, fun short novel which made me take a look into the world of Alhassa. Will you be willing to do more of the review trade?

    Commented on: October 20, 2013

  • Bodelia's Anguish

    It's really a fine advertisement for the main story - I really wouldn't mind reading and reviewing it.

    By the way, did you get a chance to look at Mystic Mirror?

    Commented on: October 20, 2013

  • Bodelia's Anguish

    What a nice chapter. Am I right that this story is actually a mythology for another story? The story's style is great and I love the choice of words.

    As for the plot, the two of them saw that coming. I have a feeling, that the ex-lover will become a very bitter and venegful god, who'll reclaim his powers one day. I expected Bordelia to be harsher, but such "mild" punishment is a proof she may be swayed by emotion, but she has a good heart.

    The gods are similar to Greek gods, with their human weaknesss, desires and emotions.

    Commented on: October 20, 2013

  • Bodelia's Anguish

    Gosh, what an emotion-evoking chapter. Needless to say, I was sypmathizing with Bordelia all the time and supporting her course of action, although I half-expected her to murder her former lover and sister (that would be a bit too harsh though). The silly attempts of the couple explaining to Bordelia that "it wasn't what it looked like" was classic and only fueled my anger.

    I was impressed of how swift the justice was and, impressed by how skillfully and gently you introduced the idea of multiple gods and Bordelia as a supreme goddess.

    Overall a fine chapter.

    Commented on: October 20, 2013

  • Sacrilege

    It looks like your female protagonist is a strong young woman. I really liked the first paragraph, the words "no crossbows" make me hooked to the chapter and were a fine theme throughout the chapter. I also noticed that the first and last paragraph built a nice frame for the chapter ("nice girl").

    You smuggled quite a lot information of the story's setting, but you managed to do it in a gentle way without overwhelming with the details and names. Overall it was a fine opening chapter, the cliffhanger at the end was great.

    I spotted one blunder. The "ammo" for bows is called arrows whereas for crossbows - quarrels or bolts.

    Commented on: October 20, 2013

  • A New Kind of Block

    You shouldn't shamelessy advertise a certain brand in your work (I meant Apple). Moreover, this chapter would use some sort of development as there was nothing shocking or informative here. If there was a conflict with the mother and some tension, it would have been ok.

    Commented on: October 20, 2013

  • A New Kind of Block

    So, Mint has impropper bladder control. Altering DNA wouldn't stop the pace of aging. There are more factors that need to be taken into consideration, like the wearing out of internal organs.

    Commented on: October 20, 2013

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thank you very much for the wonderful and constructive reviews. You pointed out some stuff I missed. As for comas, they're my nightmare. Unfortunately your mom's advice isn't working as in my language the puntuation is really different than in English, so sometimes I insert the coma where it really should be (only not in the language I'm writing in).

    As for your question about the Medieval version of evil sister, (SPOILER ALERT),

    I have other plans for the story. I never intended it to make a teen drama with choosing boyfriends and the emotions in the center of attention. It will get messy later on.

    Commented on: October 18, 2013

  • Bodelia's Anguish

    A great opening chapter which makes me want to read the next chapter (so I'll be up for trading moche chapters).

    The writing style is neat and the descriptions are awsome, gently introducing readers to a fairly-tale-like world. The little fight between the fantasy creatures at the beginning was a fine way to show both the magic in (I forgot the name, forgive me) and Bordelia's character, as well as subtly dropping some information about the very construction of the world. None of the elements seemed forced onto readers and I didn't get the impression I was overwhelmed with information - you did a good job.

    The descriptions were great, didn't lack the details and weren't boringly long. In one word - perfect.

    Borderlia is a likeable goddess, because you showed her human side when she feels attraction to her lover and is terrified when she notices he feels the same for her sister. That plot development created a fine cliffhanger and added a little of the needed action here.

    Overall, the chapter was good and even though I try, I can't find anything to complain about. Good job!

    Commented on: October 18, 2013

  • A New Kind of Block

    First of all, your summary – it’s too vague. When people look for a book to read, they choose by looking at the summary. When it sounds promising they read, when it sounds lame they don’t when there is no summary at all, they just ignore the book.

    The expositional dialogue at the beginning of the chapter would use more descriptions to make the scene look vivid.

    The first part where the protagonist gets the “package” seemed a bit rushed, but it was enjoyable. His POV was witty and he (is his name Anthony? That’s why I don’t like the 1st person narration, I always forget the main character’s name) is quite a likeable guy with real life problems (at least at first), suited for the protagonist. Now a point for you for the package’s contents – I felt teased. At first I thought: “It’s a cat, how cheesy”, but it turned out to be a cat-like creature (“add the tentacles and you’ll have Japanese porn”), but the conclusion startled me, in a good way. When I saw the creature call the writer “Daddy”, I almost spilled my coffee on my laptop. Just… just how did that happen? Anyway, this part felt a bit rushed, but I wouldn’t change the crazy pace as it’s quite entertaining to have such an unusual development right at the beginning.

    Now the brief flashback – it’s a fine explanation why the writer didn’t just slam the door shut.

    About the cat-girl. I think you should describe her looks right after the writer sees her. It’s mentioned that she’s half-cat and half-human, but the description is too vague for readers to be able to imagine her. For example: is her face cat-like or human? Does she have cat ears? Where exactly she has the fur? How does her limbs look like. Does she have hair like human girls do? You don’t have to drop all the info at once, but you should give a thorough description. I’m a bit lost about the diapers – Mint talks coherently like a child who is at least 3-4 years old, without distorting the words and constructing sentences properly, yet she wears diapers and wails like a little baby. There’s something off here. Even young cats can find their way to the cat toilet.

    I also think the writer should be in shock after seeing such a creature, but I like that he’s a good daddy. It’s a bit weird though how quickly he adapted to the new situation though. He knows the kid for like ten minutes and he already calls himself her daddy. I suppose the most logical step after a baby gets delivered on your doorstep (well, the cat-girl may be a problem) is to report it to police, because the kid might be a kidnapped person. Oh, I can already see the writer dropping the soap in the prison shower…

    But, only an idiot leaves a child alone in a bathtub – it’s a death waiting for happen.

    Helm is a very likeable character and I have an impression that she’ll become a mommy really soon.

    As for the plot in this chapter, a lot has happened and it looks like you managed to include the whole story in it, making  me wonder if it was a one-shot in an anthology or will it continue. If it’s the first case, I see quite a lot of wasted potential here. The idea is intriguing and has numerous possibilities for both character’s development and thrilling drama. First of all, no one seems to mind that the writer swoops some random kid without any legal procedures, then he declares his fatherly love after knowing the kid for less than an hour (from what I know it takes more time), no one is surprised that he adopted a kid all of a sudden and the supernatural adoption agency conveniently ignores the most important issues considered by adoptions – family situation and income. If you showed the developing emotions, fighting the legal issues against all odds and miraculously gaining custody over mind, protagonist’s dilemmas, the story would have been great. The way you handled the chapter was like fast forwarding the story from the point Mint shows up.

    Despite my complaining, I’d gladly review the next chapters. I hope I didn’t upset you too much with my criticism, but I honestly wished to help you improve your writing.

    Commented on: October 18, 2013

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for spotting importants stuff!

    As for Maewyn (warning, SPOILERS) nearly 100% of the readers expect the story to progess the way along the pattern: adventures of the girl in a medieval world versus adventures of the girl in the modern world. So, Maewyn won't make an entrace. Anyway, her POV would be very brief and would spoil the major surprise which awaits May once she manages to return home.

    Commented on: October 18, 2013

  • Carriers

    Sure, there you go:

       “I would have never guessed Katrina, Owen, Laylia, Jaycee or anyone besides the people beside me for that matter,” Carson muttered. Marena and Shay both looked to him. “What? Owen hangs out with the weird kids, Laylia and Jaycee are the weird kids, Kyleigh’s your classic dumb blonde, and Katrina’s stupid enough to date Owen.”

    This paragraph stood out quite a bit and I found it weird to think in such details while desperately running away. Usually when there is an andrenaline rush, it's a miracle when a person is able to think at all. I hope I helped.

    PS. I invite you to review Mystic Mirror.

    Commented on: October 15, 2013

  • Hunt for Mermaids

    I have no idea. All of the chapters are edited in the same way, but sometimes the indentation are there and sometimes there are not. I tried to find out why exacly, but I don't know either.

    Commented on: October 15, 2013

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thanks for the reviews. I recently re-wrote the first two chapters so I'm especially happy that you noticed the things I waned people to notice.

    Commented on: October 15, 2013

  • Carriers

    Reading your storyis far more interesting than picking up eggs and milk anyway ;-)

    Actually, I didn't think the chapters with all the explaining are boring - I always enjoy the world building as it takes most creativity to build an unique setting for your story. And you did well.

    As for my nit-picking, I agree that it would be rather impossible to push the plot forward without making any plotholes along the way It would be like a horror when everyone sticks in the group and blondes don't got to dark cellars alone - uneventful.

    As for the security stuff, in CDC even the most non-dangerous viruses are heavily protected and the workers are checked if they are wearing masks with sepatare breathing aparats. A tip for you - before writing it's beneficient to do some research, it helps a lot.

    Commented on: October 15, 2013

  • Carriers

    Yet another action-packed chapter. I won't mention how awsome the descriptions and the pacing are anymore - the chapter was written well enough to allow me to enjoy the fluent flow of action.

    I didn't mention it in the precious review, but I loved Shay's dad's action, when he gave her his gun.

    The whole escape scene was plainly awsome, the only awkward moment being when the kids suddenly started gossiping about their friends in the middle of the life-threathening situation.

    Commented on: October 14, 2013

  • Carriers

    Wow, I loved the action and tension in this chapter. It really did keep my on the edge of my sit while reading it. The kids' reactions are perfect as always and the action sequences were flawless - dynamic, the pacing was good, the decriptions helped visualize what was happening, but weren't making the scenes boring. So far it was the most entertaining chapter.

    Shay has become a true heroine in the meantime. She's confident and capable, but still like a regular human being. She's definitely a likeable character.

    I'm really sorry for Cassie and I have to say that she's no wuss. I'd surely freak out horribly if I was in her shoes and thought I was about to die. And, I wouldn't run if the death was imminent - there could be always a possibility the doc lied and it's possible to manufacture a cure. I'd take that chance. After all, she'd die anyway.

    Now to my complaining called by some constructive critique. When there is a serious security breach, especially in facilities containing bio- and chemical waeapons, the standard procedure is to do a lockdown, surround the premises with a cordone and snipers. Then the people in positive pressure suits go in to solve the problem. Police officers wouldn't get an order to storm inside and search for the infected. Plus, everyone from the building would get detained and treated as a potential virus carrier.

    But, it would make the plot harder to carry out, huh? Anyway, your story sucked me in. I was about to go shopping, but somehow I can't resist the temptation to read more chapters.

    Commented on: October 14, 2013

  • Carriers

    Once again - the idea of popluation control plague is both thrilling and original. I read books about plagues as tools for genocide, but never as a tool to accomplish a "positive goal".

    The reactions of children are splendid - you described their panic in the really fine way. I found all the reactions very natural, I felt as though I was there, in your book, observing the drama unfolding before my eyes (in short, you did the descriptions very well).

    I spotted some inconsistencies though (don't be upset).

    1. I was surprised that the virus was left with almost no security. The research facilities store their bio-hazard material under tight control so that the incidents such as this wouldn't occur. There is video surveillance, door are secured by passwords changed few times a week, fingerprints readers (even laptops have these nowadays). Plus, in order to access a high-risk zones you have to wear the special suit and go through a special room in which the suit gets disinfected and is checked for holes. Therefore it was strange that the kids went in so easily.

    2. Next thing, the pursuit. The doc said that the authorities know that there are 8 kids infected, but they don't know their identity. Actually, finding out who they are would be far easier than finding out that there was a security breach.

    Okay, I've complained enough. I hope my review was helpful. I wasn't going to read this chapter until you review Mystic Mirror, but somehow I couldn't help myself. Good job.

    Commented on: October 14, 2013

  • Carriers

    Once again - the idea of popluation control plague is both thrilling and original. I read books about plagues as tools for genocide, but never as a tool to accomplish a "positive goal".

    The reactions of children are splendid - you described their panic in the really fine way. I found all the reactions very natural, I felt as though I was there, in your book, observing the drama unfolding before my eyes (in short, you did the descriptions very well).

    I spotted some inconsistencies though (don't be upset).

    1. I was surprised that the virus was left with almost no security. The research facilities store their bio-hazard material under tight control so that the incidents such as this wouldn't occur. There is video surveillance, door are secured by passwords changed few times a week, fingerprints readers (even laptops have these nowadays). Plus, in order to access a high-risk zones you have to wear the special suit and go through a special room in which the suit gets disinfected and is checked for holes. Therefore it was strange that the kids went in so easily.

    2. Next thing, the pursuit. The doc said that the authorities know that there are 8 kids infected, but they don't know their identity. Actually, finding out who they are would be far easier than finding out that there was a security breach.

    Okay, I've complained enough. I hope my review was helpful. I wasn't going to read this chapter until you review Mystic Mirror, but somehow I couldn't help myself. Good job.

    Commented on: October 14, 2013

  • Wingless Bird

    Ha! I knew there was something weird in Anton's parents besides them being crazy fans of RPGs. Anyway, it was a fine chapter. The fateful encounter with the demonic thief was priceless and the characters become more and more likeable.

    I noticed that many of your characters are names beginning with "A". I wonder if it's a mere coincidence or there is a hidden meaning behind this.

    The initial chapters where the characters are introduced are over so I can focus on the plot more. Althout there is still a lot of mystery, the plotline isn't confusing more than necessary - point for you for that.

    Your writing style is noce, the descriptions are just right - long and thorough enough to help me imagine the scene, but no so long they would slow down the pacing.

    Commented on: October 13, 2013

  • Mystic Mirror

    Thank you for the kind comment. I wonder if I should switch the chapter 1 and chapter 2 places.

    Commented on: October 13, 2013

  • Carriers

    I loved the description of how the kids got infected. It was quite vivid and their behavior seemed natural.

    The whole idea of a polulation control virus is really interesting. I was surprised though that the scientist gave the explanation to the teens so easily. Usually the scientists try to keep people in the dark as long as possible. I know that it was relevant to the plot that the doctor explained everything thoroughly (and I enjoyed it), but it felt a bit unreal. I suppose if I were the scientist, I'd send the kids home without telling them a thing. But, there would be no explanation then.

    Anyway, fine chapter. I felt pity for the girl who got infected - her reaction to the news was very good.

    Commented on: October 13, 2013

  • Carriers

    The way everything starts is maybe a bit clichee, but it could be called as well classic. I was a bit discouraged by the lenght of this chapter, but fortunately it was entertaining. The opening chapter is constructed well - it starts innocently with a school trip to end with a bang. It wasn't an unexpected twist, but the plot develpment was enjoyable. So, good job.

    Characters. You portrayed each of them very vividly, the descriptions were great. I especially liked how each of the characters looked like a regular human being with certain flaws. In a single paragraph you managed to create a living person, not a peice of cardboard. However, there were too many characters. I lost count after the tall, skinny blonde and wasn't able to clearly remember each of the kids (nine in total, right?). Plus, the story began losing pace after a couple of the characters got introduced. It may be a good idea to write some of the kids off.

    Plot. It was surpringly entertaining. The development was predictable, but I wasn't bored at all - the kids were behaving great, the texting was fun too. The middle part seemed to be a bit too long, but it could be easily fixed by getting rid of few characters.

    Overall, it was a fine chapter which encourages to read further.

    Commented on: October 13, 2013

  • Wingless Bird

    I spotted typos in your direct speech several times.

    The idea of boy and girl as a friends is interesting, especially when their background story is so contrasting. Ada got some of the character development and turned out to be a very reasonable young lady who is capable of logical thinking. Compared to her, Anton seems a bit like a dreamer.

    I'm surprised that Ada's abusive parents don't beat her sister yet as usually the domestic violence gets all siblings. The idea of having a grim family situation is fine, but it may be even better if you developed this part (one or two sentence would suffice) because it seems empty. You've mentioned several times that Ada has abusive parents and they get her bruises, but the description would have more depth if you betrayed some more details, like what twisted motives they have or that they drink or call her names while they're at that.

    Mentioning RPGs intrugues me and makes me wonder if it's relevant to the plot for it really stands out.

    You managed to pin my attention to the last Phoenix thing. The things are getting mysterious and it's good that in chis chapter the characters summed the info up - it helped makes the things clear and keep the readers out of being confused.

    Commented on: October 13, 2013

  • Wingless Bird

    Sorry, this was supposed to be a comment to Chapter 2

    Commented on: October 13, 2013

  • Wingless Bird

    Technical issues.

    "It just doesn't make since…" - a typo in word "sense"

    Your chapters have the good lenght for a paper version of the book but perhaps you could think about splitting the longer ones in half.

    The characters. Anton's parents are my absolute favorites even though they're background. With their RPG passion they are a quirky couple, very likeable. Anton gies off an impression of a very serious young man and is a fine protagonist.

    The plot. There was quite a lot of it in this chapter, Anton's bad luck for the afterschool encounteres was really amusing while the part with the thief intrigued me. I look forward to the newest developments.

    Commented on: October 13, 2013

  • Wingless Bird

    A lot happened in this chapter.

    First, technical issues. I really didn't like the cursive. At first I thought that it was a formatting glitch as the text which should be normal was in cursive and the thought were normal. But, then I realized that you probably wanted to distinguish the POVs in that way. I think it would be absolutely okay if the text was normal in all the POVs, because the cursive really lowers the pleasure of reading.

    The plot. This chapter was really eventful, but some things remained mystery which I appreciate. The most intriguing and awkward situation was why the super-skilled thief stole a kid's bookbag? It was half-confusing and half-amusing (oh, it rhymes). I also loved the weird and dangerous inventions, it was a sci-fi touch.

    The characters. The thief is surely a suspicious individual, especially because he has those red eyes. As it's not really normal, I think he might be a supernatural being, just as Anton suspected.

    Anton and Ada seem to be regular kids. After just one chapter it's difficult to connect to them right away, but so far they are quite likeable. What stood out the most, was the contrast between their family interactions. It was like polar opposited - Ada's parents are... let's say not perfect while Anton's mom freaks out when she sees a scratch on her precious child.

    Good job, I'll definitely read and review the next chapter very soon.

    Commented on: October 11, 2013

  • Wingless Bird

    A good prologue.

    Writing style. It stood out as a very good, especially the complex built of the sentences and the great descriptive parts caught my eye. Your vocabulary is extensive and you skillfully created the fluent narration. It was a pure pleasure to read. I noticed that there is a repetition of word "because" in 3rd paragraph which jarrs the narration, so you may want to fix that.

    Plot. Somehow the prologues with a violent scene never fail to grab my attention, the same was with yours. There wasn't very much of a plotline here, but you didn't confuce me with overwhelming details, which is good. The prologue made me wonder who are "they" who are so popular among guys with a knack to torturing people.

    Characters. So far I can tell not much about the poor chap, but I pitied him for having to endure such ordeal. He must be a person with a strong sense of courage and loyalty not to betray his friends.

    Overall it was a fine prologue. I didn't left a huge hook which would make me a slave to the book, but interested me enough to want to read another chapter right away and put your admirable wriuting skills on display.

    Good job!

    Commented on: October 10, 2013

  • Mystic Mirror

    Yes, may your school and my work stay out of sabotaging our critiqe exchange.

    I'm glad you liked the prologue, it's a recent addition to the story. I honestly had no idea about the word towards. Well, we learn new things every day. Thank you for spotting the mistakes for me - I'm working on it, but my English is till quite rusty.

    Commented on: October 9, 2013

  • Seventide: Book I: Delirious Duality

    Now that was an enjoyable chapter and have to admit, grabbed my attention.

    It started fairly interesting but not in an overly unique way, but when Bri asked if she can have a corpse, I was yours. That twist was so shocking that it kept me glued to the chapter. A job well done with this.

    What stands out at this point is the witty dialogue. There's a lot of it, but it's fine since it's really well-written and entertaining, providing the necessary info in a natural way.

    The characters. Especially Bri captured my heart - I suppose she's a zombie-maker. Her sharp tongue just pressures me to like her.

    The writing style is fine. I've noticed repetitions in several spots, but other than that the narration is fluent and the descriptions graphic and thorough.

    I look forward to meeting other characters.

    Commented on: October 9, 2013