Sparkatale

A great read! I would definitely recommend it to anyone on this site. You have put a lot of thought and detail into your world and it definitely shows. I especially love this story because it starts with someone in the real world who gets dragged into supernatural adventures; that is my favorite kind of story, because it makes me believe that it could really happen, and might even be happening right now. Exciting, thrilling, and well-written. Great work!

This story is amazing! You are a very talented writer. I love the beginning especially, many of the books on here do not have strong beginnings but yours certainly does. I'm glad I read this. Keep up the good work!

Hey Shannon, glad you're enjoying it! Don't worry--I'm still writing, and I have plenty more chapters to post :) I usually keep them to myself until people (aka, you) catch up so I can read/edit them a little more. Thanks for reading! :D

Thank you Shannon! (and I couldn't help it xD)

Hey Shannon, thanks for reading! I loved reading your comments. Don't worry--I'm still writing away, and as soon as I can I'll post the next completed chapter. Life has been crazy but I'm not stopping until I finish this one, we're so close to the end! I absolutely love that you're a fan of ASOIAF, Martin is an amazing author and if one of his fans likes my writing...yay ^.^ I return, inspired, to my work! Stay tuned! 

Thanks for reading, Shannon! I've been keeping up with your comments but I wanted to wait until you reached this point to speak up. There's a reason that the other orphans are all being so horrible and stubborn and frustrating; it's not just to create tension. This is actually how real people react in these sorts of situations. I wish it weren't true, but most of what Alysia and the others said and did is how I've seen people act firsthand. Strangely, and sadly, people with depression usually get these kinds of reactions from those close to them when they withdraw, or try to talk about how they're feeling, or attempt suicide. Anger is actually a pretty common response to finding out that someone you care about tried to kill themselves. People also suck in a crisis--they freeze or panic or lose their temper at the slightest provocation. This isn't the orphans being dicks, or at least not anymore than anyone else is a dick--it's just psychology. I'm not writing this book to send a message or anything, but if there is anything taken from this part of the book, I hope it's the knowledge of what it feels like to be in Kayo's position and how NOT to react to it, and how much damage it does when you ignore it or treat it too lightly. 

Thanks for reading--I'll be sure to update the book before you get to the end. 

 

CRH

I am very intrigued by this story so far! I love seeing it from the two different character's point of view (Janelle and what's her name) and two different locations. Gives a little bit of mystery without being too overbearing. I really only noticed a couple of technical issues. Like when Janelle is being followed by the Gifted person, and she's thinking how annoying he is, but it doesn't matter because she really is going home--that whole thing is just unnecessary, I'd cut all of it out. It leaves a little more mystery and intrigue to just have her say she's going home and have her go to this place. Also, I hate the names Janelle, Samantha, and Lindsay (girl or boy), but that is just my opinion >.< Great work! I will keep reading and commenting :) 

Hey there--I really like your story so far! The idea is GREAT, and I love the way it started--the one mysterious line, and then jumping right in to the teenager's point of view. Very nice hint of foreboding, it really makes the casual tone later on help build up the suspense when normally it would have been a bit boring. 

I do think the thing about playing hide and seek is weird, but if you're committed to it, have her just jump in without thinking (like most high schoolers would do if they had a chance to do something stupid and childish) instead of thinking it over. If kids like that took even one second to actually THINK about playing hide and seek in a science lab, they wouldn't bother doing it at all. 

Couple of technical issues: It's "would have", never "would of". The line about excitement dancing in her fingertips is kind of weird, I'm not sure what you're talking about--I would probably change that. Also, I don't think you have to change anything on this, but just as general advice, in a story like this, no one really cares what the characters look like or what their eye color is. The writer will usually save it for later on or else leave it out entirely if it isn't important. 

Keep up the good work! I'll keep reading and be sure to make a note of anything else I find. 

PS: Posting your copyright is unnecessary. All of these stories are automatically protected by US copyright law, and no one's buying that you actually registered the copyright under the name A. Nonymous (are you married to that by the way? Because come on, you can't publish a book under that name, and no one cares what your name is). I used to do that too, but again, pointless, and again, nobody cares. Just letting you know. 

Hey there--I really like your story so far! The idea is GREAT, and I love the way it started--the one mysterious line, and then jumping right in to the teenager's point of view. Very nice hint of foreboding, it really makes the casual tone later on help build up the suspense when normally it would have been a bit boring. 

Couple of technical issues: It's "would have", never "would of". The line about excitement dancing in her fingertips is kind of weird, I'm not sure what you're talking about--I would probably change that. Also, I don't think you have to change anything on this, but just as general advice, in a story like this, no one really cares what the characters look like or what their eye color is. The writer will usually save it for later on or else leave it out entirely if it isn't important. 

Keep up the good work! I'll keep reading and be sure to make a note of anything else I find. 

Thanks so much for commenting! It is just so gratifying and wonderful to hear that I had such an affect. I'm so glad you like it and I hope you keep reading. I'm about to take a look at your book now as well--sorry it took so long, I got a little sidetracked by the flu. Thanks for reading! 

Thanks Genevieve! This has really helped a lot. I've worried that the first chapter was slow and/or boring for quite some time and no one's really addressed that concern--it is actually a big relief to hear someone agree with me. As for the technical details, I'm glad to hear about them and will be changing most of them when I go back and edit. Thanks for commenting! I hope you'll keep reading. I'm about to take a look at your things now--sorry it took so long, I have been made utterly useless by the flu. 

Hi, so I saw this book was in the top ten and I wanted to give it a look, but my first impression of it is not exactly great, and since the first few paragraphs are the most important in the entire book I felt you should know. That whole thing in italics is just not a good idea. Very few writers can pull that off and most of them write children's books--and they almost never do it in first person. I was really interested in the premise of this story but that threw me off quite a bit. Sorry if it sounds harsh but I thought you'd want to know. 

Hi, so just as an FYI, I've been skimming a lot of the stories on Sparkatale lately, and I read the first paragraph of yours, and there's already one red flag that would make me put it down immediately in a bookstore. I absolutely hate when the character talks to the reader AND when any narrative starts by asking a rhetorical question and then refusing to answer it. Both things are just so annoying and can only be pulled off by VERY few writers (Kate DiCamillo uses the breaking-the-fourth-wall thing, for instance, but only for one of her kid's books). I would honestly just cut that entire thing out. Sorry if that's harsh but I figured you'd want to know if that was my impression just from the first paragraph since it's the most important. 

Okay, so I can tell right now that you have an extremely intense and detailed story planned out, with a lot of history behind it. But I think it's being revealed just a tiny bit too fast. Basically these two guys are dragging her around with no real reason or goal and yet, even though they trust her enough to tell her some really hard-to-swallow secrets. Obviously you know best, but if it were me I would slow it down a little and leave more to be revealed later. I think I would also make Gwen a bit less sarcastic and angry; I could be wrong, it could be totally in character for her, but it doesn't seem like the most realistic reaction. 

Have you ever read His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman? (The Golden Compass, The Subtle Knife, and the Amber Spyglass). They are some really good books and I think if you read them (or read them again) it might help you since your story is not very different. There's a part in the middle of the series that might be of special help to you: one of the main characters runs around with two angel sidekicks for a bit, and one is nice and sweet and mellow while the other is sarcastic and sullen, and the main character is just as sick of it as Gwen and doesn't tolerate it even though he's only 12. I think Pullman struck a nice balance there, creating some character tension without exhausting the reader with endless squabbles that prevent real plot and action from taking place. 

Great work so far! Back to reading ^^

This chapter answers at least a couple of questions in that cliffhanger prologue, which is great, although now I have more questions than ever. It's really good!

The only thing throwing me off is how Gwen reacts to all of this. I mean, if someone popped up in my kitchen and said he was a phoenix, no matter how much I like sarcasm, that really wouldn't be the time. I would have expected more fear and confusion than her super-hostile attitude. If there's a reason for it, it hasn't been said in the book so far.

Can't wait to see what happens next! 

Hey, this book is really good! It's actually, honestly, one of the best ones on here. I love the flow of your writing and the depth of the main character. Most people really suck at first person--this book is truly impressive. 

And by the way, I have a second book up on Sparkatale if I'm ever taking too long on Ametris :) It's of more or less the same genre. 

Thanks so much, Natalie! I love reading these comments--they keep me motivated to write more. I hope you enjoy the chapters to come! 

Once again, Shannon, your comment has made my day. Thank you so much for catching these little things! And for reading in general! Some days that's the only thing that keeps me motivated to keep writing :)

Thank you Shannon! And thanks for catching those spelling/grammar errors earlier. They have been fixed :) I appreciate your help so much. 

Catherine

Hi Danny,

Thanks so much for your review. You have no idea how much it means to me that people are reading my stories and liking them :) Hope you enjoy the rest! I will be sure to keep them coming. 

Thanks, 

Catherine

Hi Shannon,

You have no idea how much it means to me that you like my book and that you gave it such a good review. Please, by all means keep them coming! I want people to be extra harsh with this one so it will be perfect when I try to publish it. 

Thank you! You made my night. 

Catherine