Sparkatale

The opening drew me in right from the start, instantly making me curious about the young girl, the sole survivor in this whole mess. It also made me very curious as to why these people were being attacked in the first place, what the war was about, and what the ooze (the demons, I assume?)  wanted.

I wonder what is different about her soul, that made the ooze recoil and die, like that? I guess I'll find out. :)

What were the odds we'd both have a character by the name of Astral? ^^; Fortunately, mine is male, and not a main character by any stretch of the imagination, so I think I'm safe (since it's probably a safe bet that you came up with yours before I came up with mine; it's only been a year since I started my story).

I really like the lore you incorporated into this, such as the purpose of the specific plants being used, as well as the mythology surrounding the role of the butterfly (as well as their more practical roles in pollination.)

You set a richly detailed environment, which is really nice to see. :)

I've come across some typos throughout, some simply present and past-tense mix-ups, like this: "She looked at the trees again, watching as the flow of energy fail to climb the network of branches". Sorry to say I don't remember what the first couple were, though I know they were very early on in the chapter. Any others I find I'll make a note of at the end of this comment.

There were also times when the structure of the sentences felt off, or like run-on sentences in the way they were constructed. For example: "Their wails of agony called out over the Memorial as the purified energy tore through at the dark spirits causing them to burn away leaving spectral ash to catch a breeze."

And, "His shoulders sagged the weight of the world having been added to his soul." (I feel like a comma should be there, after "sagged").

Maybe it's just me, but I figured I'd point it out, just in case it was something you overlooked (it is a long chapter, after all, and no matter how often we edit our work, we're bound to miss something, right?)

That aside, the writing itself is very engaging, and the story even more so. :) You've set the tone for the story really well, and the characters are interesting. It's particularly interesting to see how "take charge" Astral is in a situation, despite the fact that she's the student, and Mathias the master. Though knowing that he expects her to work through the problems on her own (how else is she going to learn?) and that he's not equipped to fight energy demons, I can see why Astral had to take point, there. I'm curious as to the effect devouring a demon might have on her; I wonder if it will make her stigma worse, and what other affect it might have on her body, as a whole?

Excellent read, overall; looking forward to reading more. :)

Anyway, onto the other typos I came across.

Typos/errors: "One day, this mimic would become her, and she would seize to exist."

"...humans who would willingly feed these entities human scarifies in exchange for their dark hearts desires.

Wow, this has got to be the longest comment I've ever gotten for the first chapter. :P I appreciate your feedback.

FYI - I have editors lined up for sentence structure, tense, and spelling issues once the book is complete. What you are reading now is the 3rd pass going into the beta stage of the production process. I have used spell check and grammar - but they aren't exactly foolproof.
Basically, at this point, it's about getting feedback about readers feelings about different things they pick up on. I'm hoping to be done the 3rd draft by June and have everything off to the editors soon there after - but we'll see. So pointing out spelling, grammar and so on, is unnecessary, specifically because i'm tired of going over it.  ;)  I'll just save that for after my editors and proofreaders :P 

Astral was a brain child of mine since 1998 ish, and has gone through many incarnations. I like this one the best. 

As for lore - i love how mythology seems to have a grain of truth in it. I like to find ways to make it make sense in the real world. Our world is so rich with these stories, it'd be a shame to not put them to use.

RE: "I'm curious as to the effect devouring a demon might have on her; I wonder if it will make her stigma worse, and what other affect it might have on her body, as a whole?"

All valid things to be curious about and I look forward to noting your discovery of those answers.

Lol, sorry. ^^; I keep meaning to condense, but there's always so much I want to say about what I'm reading, that I just around away with it. :P

Ah, that's good then. Sorry for pointing all that out; I wasn't sure, and I wanted to make sure that if you were doing it on your own, you wouldn't have to sift long and hard to find it all. Definitely a good thing you've got people to help you with it; I don't blame you, either...even though I haven't "technically" finished the first draft of mine, I've edited everything I have dozens of times. After awhile, you get tired of looking at the same sections. :)

In any case, I'll be sure to refrain from pointing out errors in the future, and I'll stick to commenting on the characters and story. ^^

Bugger, that should have said, "I just run away with it". O_O

LOL!

I don't blame you for pointing out errors like that. I mean, you have no idea what my work process is like, and for the most part, people just put up whatever they just finished writing. 

My first draft is soooooo not good for public consumption. I'd be amazed if anyone could tell where I was going with anything. I started posting publicly mostly to ensure that i made continuous progress. It holds me accountable and I'm less likely to find an excuse to through the project on the back burner.

Thanks again for your wonderful feedback.

*Nods* That's a good way of looking at it. :) It keeps you motivated to continue bettering yourself as a writer.

And not a problem! ^^ It's my pleasure.

As an introduction to your story, I find this chapter very thought-provoking. Although the first section of it seems more like a prologue than part of the actual chapter, it sets the tone of your story nicely.

Since this book is a dense fantasy story, you also have to worry about things like world-building and magic. Your system all seems extremely well-thought out, but personally, I find the beginning/middle of the chapter to move a bit slowly, almost like an info dump. Because you're a solid writer with plenty of satisfying descriptions, it eases the blow, but I still think you could blend a little more action with description. You create a huge and complicated world from the beginning of your story and it can get a little overwhelming. 

But as it goes along, the chapter becomes more and more interesting. I was extremely absorbed during the action and in my opinion, you concluded the chapter excellently. 

Besides that, your world and characters are all very compelling and the philosophies you've already embedded into the story are very insightful. I look forward to reading more. I have to admit though, Astral seems very precocious to me (or maybe I'm just immature in comparison)!

Your review of the chapter is very insightful, and it shows promise that other readers will be able to pick up on the subtlies you have. To address a few issues (not defensive like more like FYI like)

"First part of the chapter reads like a prologue" there's a funny story there. When I was creating sample pieces for my beta's Astral tested poorly, which is a shame because she was planned to be the central lead for the series. My options were change the character entirely or just stick to my guns. As luck would have it, a writer friend passed over a video discussing the difference between a likable character and a sympathetic character. Showing Astral in a period of complete helplessness does just that. I found that after I included the prologue-esque segment (prologue is exactly what it is - but since as a reader I skip prologues I just included it in the first chapter), Astral has been widely accepted. It's a funny thing how one little detail can change the way someone sees a character.

"Info dump lag in the middle of the chapter" - yup, I thought so too.

"embedded philosophies" I'm glad that you picked up on that. I wanted the world to be made up of more than just people in neatly categorized boxes - an issue I see with a lot of fantasy writers.

"Astral seems very precocious" Yes, yes she is. She's had to deal with so much that a normal child would never had to deal with. You've noticed that comparison with William who had a normal uneventful life.

Interesting bit of introspective there; it was a nice, quiet scene, but not boring in the slightest--and it gave a clear impression of the type of person Seth is. Still, I bet there's even more him than what was shown here--more that undoubtedly follows in the next chapters (and since so many are dedicated to him, it's safe to assume he's a major player in this story).

I look forward to getting to know him and the others as the story progresses. :)

Likewise, this too was an interesting chapter, giving more of an impression as to the type of person Seth is, how he thinks, and what he feels.

But, it also goes further than that, in showing the societal issues they face in this particular world or time period.

I like the descriptions of the technology; elegant, yet simple, allowing the reader to fill in the blanks with their imagination. :)

Since this left off at a bit of a cliff-hanger, I'll just have to jump right into the next chapter. ^^

Short, but interesting. Based on what you wrote--about how if he'd been paying attention, he might have realized the town had formed around him--I get the distinct impression he's somehow been thrust into a memory.

I think the girl with the teddy bear might have been Astral, perhaps from the start of the story. Either way, you've set the foundation well, and it's keeping me on my toes, guessing at the possibilities of just what it is he's witnessing.

Ah, so he's still on the train; everything from thinking he couldn't fall asleep to now wasn't real; though I still can't help thinking the dream had basis in truth--and that it had to do with Astral's past. Though why he would dream of her without knowing her is intriguing; perhaps he has psychic abilities, and passed by the area where all those terrible things happened--and maybe it was some sort of telepathic echo, for wont of a better word.

I think I'd be embarrassed too, in his situation. ^^; Pfft, I didn't think he was rude, at all. They just think so because heaven forbid someone shoot them down. If he's got work to do, he's got work to do--he doesn't have time for a bunch of chatty air-heads. :P  

I'll definitely have to pick this up again later.