Sparkatale

I liked the casual and light form of the narration. It was really refreshing. Not serious, but amusing. Draida has been shown in an intriguing way through Jason's eyes - the existence of the police, the outline of social situation in his town, magic... you conveyed information in a funny way. The style of the narration may be weird, but I find it rather an advantage.

Technical issues. I think, it may be better if the sentences were longer and more complex at places. In certain paragraphs it showed that they were too short, thus making the narration seem jerky instead of fluent.

I'm also waiting for the description of Jason - I still didn't really catch how he looks like. However, I liked the brief summary of his family status and how naturally his friend Michael got introduced.

The plot. It was nice to find out right in the beginning what or rather who Amaatlik is (I hope I spelled it right). Plus, the situation with the mage was hilarious. Not the "Lord of the Rings" style to have someone embark on a journey, but still fun.

Now that was fun. Thanks to the witty and casual narration, the chapters were a quick and pleasant read. However, I sensed disturbance in the Force with the very narration, which I like. It's about the POVs. The last two chapters were from two different POVs - Michael's and Jason's, but the narration style didn't change even a tiny bit. The general style, word choice, sentence structure were the same, as if it was one POV. When you're doing different POVs, you're not only showing the story from another perspective, but you also give insight in your characters. Their thought patterns should vary, as well as the words they chose (one can swear a lot, another can be overly polite). Otherwise, the characters may blend together.

Back to the plot. The turn of events is... strange and quite rapid, but the crazy pace is what I like. I only regret that there aren't much descriptions of Draida, townsfolk and even weather conditions - I love all those tiny details. But you're making up for it with the humor, The "Terminator" reference was amusing.

Kangaroos? That was really odd ;-)

Anyway, I like the way the boys are treating magic - they behave a little bit like two idiots during a physics class. I have a bad feeling about their future adventures, given their mishaps from this chapter. The plot and pacing were absolutely crazy and abstract, so I won't bother writing about logic (fascinating). The chapter was just as hilarious as the previous ones and just as pleasant to read.

I feel that the characters of Michael and Jason need some development, but I guess, they have many more chapters for that.

I liked how the challenge helped Jason get his confidence.

I suppose that the flashback with Alexander should stand out more from the rest of the text - it would look much clearer. Other than that, it was a nice chapter. I believe I mentioned it already: it would be nice if the descriptions would be more extensive. The dialogues are well-written and funny, but they're not enough to fully show the world of Draida and the characters.

Gosh, the paths of your story are strange indeed ;-)

First kangaroos, now this. The boys embarked on a crazy journey and now they learn magic from a total stranger, who they happened to meet... that's odd and hardly logical, but it seems to be in style of your book.

I'm a bit lost about the mechanics of magic, but this chapter explained quite a lot of my doubts and answered my questions. I was confused that there was mind magic (very convenient), but the boys needed a wand. I suppose a little lesson on magic was what this chapter (and I) needed.

Recently I'm getting the impression that Michael is the main hero of the story, although Jason was the first candidate. I suppose that your story doesn't have a single hero, but two co-heroes (that's how it looks like).

This chapter was even crazier than the previous one.

The crash-curs of magic was really fast. So, even fools like Mickey and Jason can learn how to use magic in like... three minutes? I'm really worried about those two rampaging all around the world, looking for Alexander.

When wand which turned into the crab (named Calvin), I was quite surprised, even though I accepted that while reading "Hunting Amaatlik" I'm in for surprise. So, is Jason going to make magic using the crab now? Somehow waving with a crab is far less dignified than doing the same using a wand.

That time when the boys got mugged was the last straw, pushing me to make a face-palm. Seriously, why are they so dumb? Oh well, at least they're amusing and they're misadventures make me laugh.

In the previous chapter I loved the jokes about the pirates and tentacles. Plus, the idea of sailing away on a ship with the dog crew is extremely original in a weird way - this was the last thing I expected.

Now, regarding this chapter, I was a bit lost about the narrator's identity. Usually, either Michael or Jason were narrating and the sudden shift to Skylos' POV is odd. It's absolutely okay if later on there are POVs of different people or Skylos is going to be the third co-hero. However, if that's not the case, a different POV destroys the nice construction of the narration you have here. Well, I think I'll be commenting on the narration while reviewing the chapters near the end.

The flashback made me wonder if Skylos would join Jason and Michael on their quest.

About the plot and the characters. I love the dog crew. The way they talk is very pirate-like and the names... they are basically named "dog", aren't they? (chien, Hund). And the name of the ship made me giggle.

Thanks a lot for the very insightful comments. About Skylos's POV, there will be other narrations from less important characters. You probably don't want me to tell you whether he appears later in the book, because that could spoil things. As for the confusion and surprises, I was trying to make it so that the reader feels what Michael and Jason are feeling. They don't get how some of the stuff works either, and see things in a sort of childish way. Let me know whether it's working. Please. I'm going to read your book now, I need to catch up. =)

I'll let you know whether it's working near the end of your book. I want to be able to see it in a bigger context.

It was nice to get some Jason's POV.

As for the whole adventure with Rex, the guy is suspicious as a devil. The act of killing Skylos' crew was cruel and unnecessary. I didn't quite believe that they were hellhounds and even if they were, I don't think they were evil. Skylos and his... dogs seemed like good guys and gave of way better vibes than Rex. Therefore - Rex is the enemy.

It was a bit too random for him to just embark on the journey with the two boys and I suspect he has an ulterior motive, probably he wants to find Alexander. Maybe he wants to use him or his knowledge for his own, twisted reasons. I could think of another possibility as well.

I guess the book wasn't titled "Hunting Amaatlik" without a reason. The boys are on a quest to find Alexander... so Alexander is Amaatlik? Or maybe Rex is a demon in disguise? Anyway, I'll find out soon enough (I hope I will).

Thanks, that's the kind of comment I like most - your thoughts on the story and its characters. There are a couple things I'm curious about though: 1) What do you think of Calvin? and 2) Who is your favorite character?

It's nice that you noticed how there's some characters whose names sound like Amaatlik. The story has so far been mostly humor-based, but there are some more subtle hints and stuff. I appreciate your interest in the story.

It's really hard for me to say a lot about Calvin - his story of origin is bizarre and he seems like a useful, nice wand... crab... sea monster - well, whatever he is. Actually, I view him more like a tool or a pet than a person. However, like I said, he's useful, saved Jason's skin.

My favorite character? It's hard to choose, as I can't really find a character in "Hunting Amaatlik" who I can relate to. Jason and Michael are fun to "watch", I perceive them as two fools roaming around the word on their crazy quest. The character, who captured my heart most, was Skylos. I think the reason for it was that he was cool (even though he was a dag). Brave and equipped with a fighting spirit, he was admirable. I still hope he's alive ;'-)

I hope you find my feedback helpful...

Good job! That wasn't quite what I was expecting. In the previous chapter, the way Rex was explaining his actions felt awfully fishy to me and it only ensured me that he's lying (and he's doing it quite poorly).

However, I expected Rex to be a demon, not Alexander. Well, the name could be a hint, but I missed it. Anyway, you have my congratulations for surprising me. I was sure that Rex was a bad guy all along and now... wow. I really like unexpected plot twists.

What's intriguing me the most now, is the character of Bianca. She's dead, right? She said, she looks so young because she lived only for 16 years. So... she's either a ghost or a zombie.

Is... is Michael going to be the new setahr?

Anyway, it was a very enlightening chapter. Finally, Amaatlik got mentioned - so the new mission would be to save the world and the sun (seems legit). With time I began noticing the differences between Michael and Jason. In the recent chapters they became more profound; Michael is clearly wiser, more responsible, but I sense the dark side is strong in him - he's a bit jealous of Jason's power and seems to be too pleased to have the post of setahr. Jason, on the other hand, is carefree, doesn't think about the consequences and thinks using his heart rather than his brain (so love does make you stronger).

It was nice that Amisto appeared again - I almost forgot about him ;-) Anyway, I don't think he'll be happy with the new setahr. I doesn't matter which one of the boys will become the new one, the setahr will go on a next trip...

Thanks, I hope that their differences make the story more interesting in the future. The mood of the story changes a little from that point, where Jason will still try to make you laugh but Michael will try to keep the story serious and less random.

Do you think that I should add some female characters? Bianca plays a larger role in the sequel, but I didn't notice that almost all of the characters in "Hunting Amaatlik" are male, unless you count Calvin as genderless. I'm sorry if this is really awkward for you... ;D

Glad you're enjoying it. Good day.

It's not awkward to me ;-) It's just only natural that women relate to the female characters more often (with a brilliant exception - "Harry Potter"). As for your book, right, every major character is male (Jason, Michael, Rex, Calvin - if someone's name is Calvin, he's a he). The minor characters were mostly male too - Amisto, Alex II, the dog crew. Bianca is really the ONLY girl and her role is very brief and not very active. It would be a nice addition to have a kick-ass girl or two in the story (it makes it seem less like Dragonball).

I was a bit surprised by Jason's hesitant attitude. I expected him to react: "Yay, let's go on an adventure". Well, perhaps after the last trip he revised his opinions on the adventures. I can't blame him actually - adventures almost always hurt, sometimes a lot.

I could sympathize with Jason regarding the meeting with his parents. I wouldn't like to tell every detail of his journey either. It would be a divine punishment waiting to happen.

Jason's stupidity made me perform a facepalm - damn, he's so idiotic at times. I really admire Michael for surviving his company. About the flashback, Lamia was a very witch-like name ;-) I liked the humor in that scene as well ("Unicorn it is").

The scene at the shop was priceless. I felt so bad for Alex junior, my heart truly went out to him ;-) "Was he crying?" I guess that every normal person would cry when around Jason and Michael (especially Jason, Michael can be bearable at times). Anyway, I'm glad he didn't embark on the next journey with the boys - that would be just too cruel for poor, unhappy Alex.

So, as I wrote before, the dialogs at the shop were excellent - one of best in the story so far, made me laugh out loud. Amisto is a pretty mean guy - he gave the boys almost no money (it even wasn't enough for food). I thought that he would be more generous with all that wealth surrounding him.

When you mentioned the second companion, I hoped it would be Bianca - it would be nice to have something with ovaries in the fellowship. Well, sometimes you just have... a crab ;-)

Thanks, I'm glad you like it! Again, I'm sorry about all the masculineness in the story, it was ignorant of me to not include any girls. Though I guess Jason does act like a girl sometimes, and Bianca replaces him in the sequel.

If there's anything that I can clear up or do to make the story better, please let me know. Thanks again for taking the time to review "Hunting Amaatlik", I know you're trading reviews with other people.

I think it is a very interesting plot line and your main character is fascinating. I do have a suggestion. If you are planning on making this a full length novel, you might want to slow down the pacing. Everything was happening very quickly. It was entertaining and well written, but a bit confusing (as first chapters often are) mostly because of the pacing. There were a few grammatical errors, but I'm sure if you read through it again you would catch them. They also weren't that big of a deal that they would make me cringe. Overall it looks like a good first chapter to a good book. I look forward to reading more.

I think I will read a chapter a day, which is what I am doing for a few others because it is just easiest to do it that way.

Thanks! It does get a bit weird, and not too serious until the middle. I'll keep your comments in mind when I start editing. One chapter a day seems fine.

Oh, the hellhounds got mentioned again (I still hope that at least one somehow survived). I liked the idea of not all monsters being evil - that's just prejudice, right? I still felt bad for Jason that he ended up alone in the Forest of Nightmares. It was pretty creepy.

Anyway, about the ent: "ent" is an Anglo-Saxon word meaning "a giant". It was J.R.R. Tolkien who used this word to name a race of big tree guys. It's not a common race name like dwarves or elves. Please be careful with using this word then, it's a little like introducing a sorcerer called Harry Potter into your story.

Woah, woah. Calm down Gosia. =) I didn't know that thing about the ents. You see, when I was little I used to play this online game called Runescape, and I don't remember much but I do remember it including ents in that context, so I assumed that it was an actual mythological creature. Thanks for letting me know, I'll change it right now as I don't want this to be a fanfiction.

Since scary trees with faces are not made up, I kept him but now he's called an abrol, from the Spanish word "árbol" meaning "tree." Happy now?

Sure ;-) I was just letting you know (because I'm such a caring person ;-)).

So is J.R.R. because she didn't sue me. =D

I think this was a very good chapter. I do have a few recommendations for you though. One would be slow down the pacing and explain a little bit of the world. I can tell it is very different from America or most other places in the world. I just don't completely understand it. I mean it is in the beginning chapters, and I have not read more, so I don't know if you explain what it is in different chapters. If you do just ignore this comment.

So the things I liked about it was Michael's character. He seems like a Ron Weasley type guy. He is one those people who are always second best or feel that they are always second best, but fail to see that they can amount to more. I think that character is very relatable especially to the people on this site. Because when you want to be a writer you never feel like anything is good enough. At least I am like that.

Thanks, I'm glad you found a favorite character. As for the details, you learn a little bit about it in each chapter, at least further on. The pacing and detail are supposed to represent Jason's and Michael's thoughts, but you have a point. If there's anything you really want to know, maybe it would make the story more enjoyable, please tell me. 

That was quite disturbing. I wonder who is talking to Michael in his thoughts. If it's the person, who wants to trick him, my main suspicion would be demon Amaatlik. However, that would be too obvious - it would be far too malicious if it turned out that someone close to him is either Amaatlik or working for him. Amisto perhaps? That would be a nice twist.

About Rudolph the Seer, he's not going to join the boys on the trip, is he? Somehow seers don't seem like good traveling companions.

I'm still baffled how the heck did Jason manage to fall in love with Bianca even though he saw her like ten minutes or less. It seems improbable, but it's the way most of stuff in your book is.

Have you ever heard of love at first sight? Look it up if you want to. It's stupid, but it happens. Brace yourself.

In all honesty, what do you think of the book at this point? Is there anything in particular that I could do to make it better? If you can't take this story anymore, I started a new one, Welcome to Aodel.

I know the theory, yes. However, I've never met anyone who fell in love after the fist sight (and it survived  long enough for the person to admit that it's love). Still, it's a nice concept.

As for the book, I'm going to read and review it till the end and then I'll give a full review. For now, I found this book weird, but quite fun. It's greatest strength is the humor. there's no doubt about that. The crazy pace of the adventures is an advantage too - I don't get bored as there is always a lot happening and it's happening fast. The characters are not the story's strength, they would use greater diversity. The difference between Jason's and Michael's POV became noticeable after about 10-12 chapters. The plot isn't overly complicated as well, but fortunately there are unexpected twists, that redeem the simplicity.

And finally Michael went Bananas. Oh well, it was predictable.

About the chapter, I have the feeling that the first half of it was unnecessary; the swimming lesson wasn't really interesting and it could be skimmed over. There wasn't any humor there, like in most of your fillers, and it didn't develop Calvin's or Jason's character. Besides, the scene didn't suit the general atmosphere of your book - so far the most characteristic features were absurd humor and a breakneck pace. The second half of the chapter was fine though, and quite eventful. Unlike the swimming lesson, the nasty situation with Michael caught my attention.

(Forgive me for the long comment chain.) Are you saying that I should re-write it? The lesson was supposed to show some of Calvin's character, and the mood change is supposed to reflect their thoughts. They, particularly Michael, will think that their experiences with magic ruined their lives and changed them forever, for the worse. The negative mood reflects that - but Jason will always try to be funny, even in bad times, because I don't want to mess up the humor of the story. If you think I should rewrite everything, though, I'll consider it. 

Perhaps you could consider re-writing. I figured out that the merit of the scene was Calvin's character development, but perhaps it could be done in more entertaining or dynamic way.

Ha! That was fun. Honestly, congrats on the fine plot twist. I never expected that one of the protagonists could actually drop dead during the quest, especially Jason (who seemed like a better main hero of the story).

Overall, it was a very fine chapter. The conversation with the diabolical villain Francis (that's not his real name, is it?) was kind of serious, but at the same time spiked with the characteristic humor that I like the most. The poor reception was priceless.

I'm a bit worried about that ghost problem, Jason had. Michael would have problems with explaining this to his parents. However, it would solve the issue of Jason's epic first-sight romance with Bianca. She's a ghost too, so they would make a nice match. I suspected that Michael may somehow resurrect Jason, but now I have the feeling it's not going to happen.

Thanks! =D I'm sorry about all the people dying in this book (Skylos, Bianca, Jason, and...) oh gosh, I feel bad about that smiley face now. Remember that the sequel is called Necromancer's Curse. Haha, Michael not going to resurrect Jason. Not to give away any hints.

I really liked this chapter because I got a lot more of the humor in this one than the others. It was not too heavy to the point where it was distracting. It was a perfect touch.

I also like how your story has this feel of dystopian mixed in with the fantasy. As someone who is not a fan of dystopian I like the elements of it that you have mixed.

I can't tell if Bianca and Jason are really siblings or if this is going to be a romantic relationship. If you have read The Mortal Instruments you will know why I am weary about this...(It had an interesting twist at the end of the first book, which was quite disturbing).

Haha, I know what you mean. I tried not to make the story too cliche. It does have a lot of twists and strange parts. It also gets less about a dystopian government and more about the relationships between the characters. It seems to work better with humor than seriousness, whenever something bad happens it turns out all wrong. I'm trying to get a good mix.

I liked this one - the Calvin's POV was very enlightening and helped me to see him as a character instead of an object. To be frank, up until now Calvin seemed to be rather a nice, animated item than a person. Therefore, I'm glad this chapter changed it - now he has feelings, motivation, goal. Perhaps Calvin's POV should be introduced earlier, it depends on how you want your readers to view Calvin's character.

Anyway, Calvin received a sympathy boost from me in this chapter. As almost always, there was humor even though the quest for Jason should be serious (but not in this book). I especially liked the part with Xavier ("Yeah, do it!") - it was hilarious. So... Merlin is a magician? His name was a bit of a giveaway, but still, it was a nice twist. I'm wondering if he's somehow related to Skylos...

Glad you enjoyed it. I like your thinking, you really like Skylos, huh? 

He's my favorite character. As weird as it sounds, I relate to him the most ;-) Even though he's a dog.

Poor Jason being captured! I read one of the comments that says Jason drops dead all of a sudden, so I am trying not get too emotionally attached to him. At first I thought there would be a Bianca/Jason romance, but now I don't think so. I am also curious if it would have worked out because Jason did not seem very interested. Do you plan on adding romance in this? I was just curious because I'll be honest most YA books out in stores has taught me that the only good part of the story is the romance. I am glad that I actually care about the plot in your story for a change, but when you go to Barnes and Noble all you see is them advertising the love triangles and romance aspect of the story. It is sickening. So good job in making me care about other things.

There is a huge snow storm that is supposed to go through Atlanta, and we were all warned that it might take out power, so I don't know when I might get internet again.

Haha, ignore Wyrwas. You can love Jason if you want. This story does involve a little romance, but it's based off of humor and maybe a little mystery. I'm glad you like it.

Best wishes for you and your fellow Atlantans. Stay safe in all that snow.

Damn, I spoiled the story for S.S. Desai. I feel a little sorry about it.

This chapter reminded me a bit of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. With the little dwarves that thought they were super cool and then they turned out to be just midget creatures. The kangaroos were like that. They were cooler as dinosaurs, but then I guess for comic relief you had to make them be kangaroos.

I am really looking forward to see Jason and Micheal's friendship unveil. They seem like they would be awesome sorcerer buddies together. It was a little confusing in the middle with how they looked because you did a little more telling than showing.

Thanks. I apologize if the story is too crazy, I don't know what was on my mind when I wrote that chapter. 

I think I have a new candidate for my favorite character. Xavier seems like a cool kid, his dialogs with Jason made me snort (because snorting is more dignified than giggling), especially the one with George.

I suppose that hunting Amaatlik is a popular free-time activity. I wonder if Jason and Michael will find Xavier's parents.

The twist with Jason actually not being dead was nice, although at some point I got terribly confused. I just hope that it won't turn out that he was dead all along, because I'll lose my trust in the narrator ;-) Jason's reaction to the news that he may be dead was hilarious - I suppose that almost every teenager would bring the parents up.

Last, but not least, Jason can use Jedi tricks. It's good that he didn't say: "We are not the sorcerers you are looking for."

Francis is definitely a devil (Amaatlik perhaps). If I had some doubts about it, this chapter erased them. A guy with a foreign accent and a goatee has to be evil (especially with a goatee). I'm relieved that Michael realized that there was something wrong with the voice he was hearing in his head.

Xavier's comments are funny - I'm glad, he joined the group.

I also noticed that Calvin was very person-like in this chapter. He was having meaningful dialogs with the boys, was a bit cranky and very likeable too. I think that he was an unappreciated character earlier.

It's really creepy that Amaatlik is messing with their minds, but at the same time it's a terrific idea. There is probably nothing worse than a situation when the villain can influence your thoughts and actions. Now I have no clue which one of the group I should trust, because all of them can be doing what Amaatlik suggests. The nasty dream attack reminds me of Freddy Krueger and it's really a scary thought. I wonder how will the boys fend the demon off. So far, Jason did pretty well, but something bad could have happened if Michael hadn't woken him up. 

I liked when the boys brought up that the journey and the adventures are changing them. I predict that at the end of their mission both Maichael and Jason will become more responsible and mature (I hope so).

Well, looks like you've been rather busy. Thanks a lot for all the comments. I appreciate the thought that you put into all of them. It's really nice to come home from a busy day at school and read what you've said. I'm glad you like the story.

You're welcome. After you review two more chapters of MM, I'll gladly go on a review spree again ;-)

So you'll have reviewed 24 chapters and I'll have reviewed 26. Sounds fair to me. How many chapters on this next "reviewing spree"?

While I still have power, which is expected to go out (116,000 people in Georgia have already lost power), I should get to reviewing. Even though there is only an inch of snow right now they expect three inches later on. Most of the things have already iced over. We have a lot of trees in our backyard, so if the trees fall they will take out our power and crush our house which has almost an entire side made of glass...

I love it when we get to learn more about the back stories of characters. I think Amisto has an interesting past. And I always love the whole chosen one thing. I guess that is why I prefer things with prophecies and such. I really love the whole switching POVs thing because that gives us a chance to see the lives and inner workings of another characters mind instead of just one. I really love character driven things, so when I get to see more character related things I really enjoy the read. 

Thanks! I hope you continue to like it, besides really bad humor Hunting Amaatlik focuses on the characters a lot. Definitely not as good as your story though.

I'm sorry about your snow problem back east. Feel free to hate me for living in the southwest, where we have no snow. And tell your glass house not to die for me.

Thanks for the high praise, but my story is not where I want it to be. I still have to finish writing it, and then editing is going to be a major pain! Considering we just have two weeks of school of because of snow I am not complaining. Earlier they even gave as us a cold day. There was no snow; it was just really cold. This is the way Atlanta works.

Wait is Rex a good guy or a bad? Why would he snap Jason's wand in half? I like the humor in this chapter. It seemed like the type of thing Americans would find hysterical. This was a light chapter, which I think people underestimate the power of. Everyone always says that books needs to have some dark topic when it comes to YA at almost all times, but I am glad to see you are defying the norm. The norm is getting overused anyway. I mean I can predict most books because they are all the same with different characters. So good job on that.

I'm glad you liked it. Whenever I make things dark it seems sarcastic, like "jk, not really" and a little offensive. Thanks for the review, you seem to know your books very well.

So Calvin left them... unfortunate. Since Amaatlik showed up, the story turned a bit darker. The humor is still there, but the general impression isn't that of a comedy in a Benny Hill style. It has a bit of a psychological thriller now - you never know which one of the good guys could be possessed. Amaatlik's modus operandi reminds me of the movie "Fallen" with Denzel Washington, where the demon could possess anyone by touching them. It was the creepiest movie with a demon, so I enjoy Amaatlik as well.

It seemed almost too convenient that the boys even got the dinner and place to sleep before going into the battle - shouldn't they be worn out by the journey? It's more epic when the heroes are covered in mud and blood ;-) Anyway, I'm curious how the battle will look like. I suspect that the boy's friendship will be put to the test.

Yeah, beat that son of a ... okay, I won't be vulgar while cheering for Jason.

As I predicted, Amaatlik is playing mind ticks on Jason. It was a nice try with trying to scare him, but I guess Jason isn't that fearful anymore. To me, it seems that Amaatlik is a small fry, but does everything to mask it. That little illusion show was all bark, no bite - at least so far.

Jason won't defeat the demon so fast though - there are still like four chapters till the end, what means that Amaatlik will be defending himself.

The ruse, Amaatlik used in this chapter, was quite easy to see through. I would be very disappointed if Michael fell for it. The attempt to scare Jason made a much bigger impression on me, it was far more sinister. This one looked a bit as though Amaatlik wasn't even trying.

As for Michael's decision, it seems absolutely logical, but I have a gut feeling that it may be a wrong one - you may still use "the power of friendship" clichee to show that alone, a hero can't do a thing, but together they can defeat the evil, blah, blah. Actually, I'm curious if you're going to do this. (Don't give me any spoilers!)

My predictions for the ending is: Michael will lose, but then all people who are there will join forces and beat Amaatlik up using the friendship force. Usually, it works ;-)

Haha =) Yup, these last few chapters are really cheesy. Told tell anyone, but... *looks around* these were kind of space-fillers, I guess I wanted them in but really they're more to have exactly 30 chapters and about 60k words. I'm just going to spoil it for you and say that the ultimate twist is in the last chapter where Amaatlik kills them and then destroys the world. Oops, sorry! ;)

Thanks for the review. I'll definitely keep that in mind, and see how I can strengthen chapter 27.

I feel like there is even more excitement coming along. This chapter was very descriptive, and it let me imagine the scenes as if I had seen them in a movie. However, I was a bit confused at times. I know this is because we start off in the world of Draida. If you started off in our world where we are familiar with everything and then the character goes off into a new world there will be confusion but as the story moves along everything is explained. I think I might have said this before, but you might want to explain the inner workings of this world more. Perhaps in the earlier chapters that way we can get a feel for the world a little bit better. I know there should always be more showing than telling, but in this case I think telling should be allowed.

Okay, thanks. I was trying to show the confusion that Jason and Michael were feeling but I'll do that. Is there anything in particular you don't understand?

How the government works. That is what I want to know the most about. It's not like it's hard to figure out, but I just want to know more.

Actually, I'm confused. The brief chapter with Noah was nice - it had some action. I miss a bit the humor, I've been waiting for, but still it was interesting enough to keep reading. However, Noah (and everybody else in this chapter) came out of blue. At this point, I fail to see the connection to the rest of the story. I had to go back and check if I'm reading the right story ;-) I suspect that Noah may become a vital character in the sequel and you've introduced him in a teaser-like fashion. The chapter broke the pacing and I'm not entirely sure if it's well. The last chapters were quite intense, full of excitement and tension. If it was your idea to take a "pacing-dive" before the grand final of the book, it's fine.

Now about Noah as a character. I'm pretty sure it's intended - he seems like a cliche hero - on a mission, has a goal of his own, is a commoner with ambition, but his family doesn't approve of his dreams. And the sword... I'm curious what will you do with him. The cliche option would be to make him a main hero of your next story, but the fun alternative would be to kill him off quickly (or having him become the villain). Anyway, It would be nice to have a muscle-man aboard.

Hmm... I'm a seer or what? Skylos is back! I knew he's not dead and it was nice of him to show up at the end of the chapter.

Before I review the chapter's plot, I'll comment on few technical details. First, Christmas and Thanksgiving. Both are Christian holidays and if the action of your book takes place somewhere where people don't know who Jesus is, it's unlikely they would know about Christmas as well. The second thing, the Greek motto. Did you check if it's grammatically correct? Anyway, Amaatlik is not a modest guy if he has a motto on his wall that says something like: "I am the one demon" (I'm not good in Greek).

Now let's comment on the duel. It was quite different from what I imagined. I expected tension, drama, sacrifice, heroic moments - the usual stuff. Instead, the final encounter with Amaatlik was... bizarre and quite relaxing for an event that could sway the fortunes of many ;-) The bad thing about it was that I didn't get the feeling of sitting on the edge of my seat. The upside was, it was an interesting read and it was different from most of the final battles I read about.

I was glad that all of the characters got rounded up in Amaatlik's house, even seemingly-dead Skylos. As I thought, Michael got a "joined the dark side" moment. I was a bit frustrated when Jason kept blabbering to Amaatlik about his and his friends' weaknesses - that was not too smart, even for him.

Overall, the confrontation was well-written and entertaining, although the duel scene wasn't packed with action.

A nice epilog. You wrapped the loose ends more or less (I still want to know what happened to Bianca, but I'm glad that you didn't have her throw herself at Jason at the ending). Jason did a brief summary of what "Hunting Amaatlik" was about - how the mission changed him and his friends. It's an often used archetype, but one of my favorites. Anyway, the ending is well-done, considering that there is a sequel to the book.

Now the review of the entire book. If you have questions, ask away.

The writing style. The downsides are: the descriptive writing is scarce, sometimes you tend to use the same adjectives and adverbs (you like the word evilly a lot). The style of narration is all right, although the different POVs could be introduced earlier in the story - till the second half of the book there are only tow POVs (Jason and Michael) and then the other ones start appearing. It looks like you planned to make two interjecting POVs, but you changed your mind at certain point. Moreover, Jason's and Michael's POVs don't differ much in the beginning. Later on it's getting much better. Other than that, the narration is fine - it introduces a lot of humor into the story.

Characters. Some of the characters get developed well from the beginning (Xavier, Jason, Skylos) and some of them are neglected (Calvin). I'll bicker a bit about the lack of female characters in the book - Bianca appears as a bit bland character who's only there to be a love interest ;-( What I liked, was that the manly friendship between Jason and Michael - bromance is always welcomed.

Villain. Yup, Amaatlik gets a separate paragraph. You coped well with creating a villain for your story. He didn't appear for the most of the time what made him seem mysterious. When he did, it turned out that his forte is manipulation and mind games - I loved that. Fighting him meant really fighting the darkness in one's heart.

The plot line. The plot was simple: find Alex - find Amaatlik - kill Amaatlik. There were some unexpected plot twists in the story (death of Skylos and his crew, Jason's death, Rex first turning out to be evil, then good) and you get a pat on your back for them, because they saved the plot from being mundane.

Humor. That was the greatest advantage of "Hunting Amaatlik". The jokes were almost everywhere and brightened my day while I was reading the chapters. The humor is absurd and bizarre at times, but it made reading the book enjoyable. Good job!

I don't know if you've ever written humor, but I find it rather hard to maintain it while still keeping a solid plot. Writing in first person, writing how 16-year-olds would describe things but still being descriptive, is also hard. For me =). Thanks a lot for the review, and not being afraid to tell me what's wrong but still saying what's good about it. I wrote this book a long time ago, before the date it says on the page (November 1).

About Noah, I know his chapter is a bit strange. He does appear later. It has to do with the last few chapters, but that's all I will say.

I couldn't find the Christmas and Thanksgiving references, but I'm sure they're there. As for the broken Greek, I did that on purpose. The countries in the series are based off of real-life countries. One of them is Greken-Rom, based off of ancient Greece and Rome. The series' languages are also based off of the real thing, but not completely. Kind of like how most of the spells are based off of Rusdkotl.

I won't try to defend myself on the other things you've said. You make a good point, and I'll take a break from Welcome to Aodel to fix those. I'll fix the awkwardness, and make Calvin and Bianca better characters. And put in more action.

Thanks for the reviews and have a nice day. <--- I haven't said that very much, have I? Sorry about that. We don't say stuff like that very much where I live (at least we teenagers don't) I guess because it's implied. Also I don't want to say "nice day" if you're reading this at nighttime =)

I really enjoyed this chapter. Unfortunately, it looks like it will be the last one I read of this story before I quite this website and take down my story. I wanted to thank you for reading my story, and leaving reviews! On to the last review (it feels awful saying that).

Often times when I read things I get a blurry picture, but with your story it is like a movie scene. I also enjoyed the pirates. They seemed so nonchalant. I love characters like that because most characters are extremely passionate, and it can at times be off putting. They also add great comedic relief. I also liked the pirates because well...they are pirates. I'm not going to lie; I pictured Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow for a little bit.

The characterization was done really well in this chapter. There were no mood swings between characters making sure they stay in character. There are so many authors who have books filled with bipolar characters because of this.

One day I hope to read the full story, but for now I guess it is goodbye.

Thanks a lot for the review, I'm glad you liked the chapter. Bye.

The story in the prologue intrigued me. The tale of Amaaltik sounds interesting. I wonder how Amaaltik plans to absorb the sun’s power (yeah, I’m already assuming it was more than just a myth, judging by the title ;P). Or perhaps, he plans to do something completely different, and the story is a myth that has become twisted over time. Maybe he’s secretly a good guy. Maybe he’s…. Yeah, I’m tired :P

Anyway, I found the writing style a little jerky, particularly in the prologue part. There was a bit of repetition in places, for example, you called Jason “the boy” twice in a short space of time, personally I’d just use him for the second one (I think it’s the fifth paragraph). Another thing was in the mother’s dialogue as she was telling the story. She interrupted her own dialogue with brackets. I don’t think they’re really necessary, plus people don’t really speak in brackets, if that makes sense. I think that line could easily be made into a separate sentence, without the brackets.

I felt the writing got better in the first chapter part, though. Maybe it’s because of Jason’s narration, it was very light and refreshing to read. I think your writing really complements the tone of the story, if that makes sense. I liked the introduction of the plot – the guy just randomly appearing in his kitchen was funny. I wonder why he wants Jason and Sadie to be sorcerers. Is it just a coincidence, or is there something about them that influenced his choice?

I also liked Jason’s reaction to the whole thing, it was amusing to read. So far I like Jason. He reminds me of himself, especially the part where he said he doesn’t stay mad at people for very long. Overall, he seems pretty chill. Sadie hasn’t appeared enough for me to form an opinion on her. Still, I’m interested to see where this goes.

Sorry if this comment is confusing and weird, by the way. I’m very tired :P

Thanks a lot for the comment, and sorry you had to read it so late. I looked over the whole thing a couple weeks ago and did a lot of editing, but missed some stuff, like the prolog. HA was my first book so it's kind of weird. 

One thing that might be confusing is that Sadie used to be a boy named Michael. I wanted to make the story more gender-neutral and changed him, but there might still be parts where it says "Michael" instead of "Sadie." Please let me know if that happens, or if she seems too masculine. Or if someone calls her and Jason "you boys." 

Don't worry if you're going to be slower for a while. Your comments will be more valuable that way, and like I said, I will have more time to work on Voices of Faie. 

So far, I’m enjoying the plot. Not much has happened, but it feels original and the narration is nice and light. I tend to read more heavier, darker stories, and I’m really enjoying how this story seems to be different from that (Although, it’s too early to say really ;P). At the moment I feel like the story could take a wide variety of directions, and I’m excited to see what happens.

I found it funny when Jason’s mum scolded his father for interrupting Sadie, but then interrupted her herself :P And then they just kept interrupting her, for the rest of the chapter :P Hehe. Sadie still hasn’t left much of an impression on me, but the focus of these two chapters was on Jason, so I don’t think that’s due to any fault on your part.

I might have mentioned this before but sometimes I find some of the phrases a little redundant. Like saying the couple Sadie bumped into were walking in the opposite direction. I mean, that’s something I can assume for myself, if you know what I mean. I think the writing would be more fluent without the unnecessary phrases. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense, by the way. And this is definitely just a petty thing of mine, but I really don’t like when words are written in capitals LIKE THIS to make someone shout or speak loudly. For me it just seems a bit amateurish, if you know what I mean. Personally I think it’s just better to say in the narration that they're speaking loudly or something instead. But as I said, it’s probably just me :P

Oh, and this sentence: “I'm sorry if the story went off at a crazy start, boys are like that.” I think this was a place you missed when changing her gender?

Jason doesn't have a mum. He has a mom....Just kidding. Thanks for taking the time to read a chapter. I'm glad you're liking it so far. It's "nice and light" throughout the story, but gets a little darker at the middle.

When Sadie said "I'm sorry if the story..." she was talking about Jason. I'm not sure how much you'll get out of her on terms of her personality. She's more important in book two, but her personality develops in this book too, just more slowly than Jason's. If you think she should be developed more quickly, I'll take that into consideration.

I get what you mean about ALL CAPS. It does seem a little annoying and disrespectful. The redundancy makes sense too. Thanks a lot for catching all these little things.

I like Jason’s thought processes. They’re amusing to read. Like when he ate the apple, and thought everything was an illusion. Anyway, I’m excited. I wonder how Amaaltik will be involved with the story. Perhaps he kidnapped Bianca’s brother, or something… Or maybe he is her brother! Conspiracy theories are fun ;) Anyway, it’s sad that Jason believes he will fail as a sorcerer, and that’s why he doesn’t want to become one. I guess Sadie was right, he does have self-confidence issues :( I wonder what's in the bag Bianca gave him.

I also like how we're beginning to get a bit more info on the world of the story. Like with the forest of nightmares thing, and the thing about how nobody has pets because they always wander off and get killed. I like the details like that. I notice this story has less detail in terms of description and stuff than the other one, but you said this was your first book so that makes sense.

I have to say, I found the bit with Bianca a little creepy. I mean, she seems to like Jason (If that’s why she was upset that he was going to find her brother with Sadie, another girl). But the first thing she says upon seeing him is that he reminds her of her brother… xD I don’t know, for me that seems weird.

“They were not typical ally cats.” Isn’t that word spelt “alley”? Speaking of, the cats were cute <3 I wanted to pat them. I have a slight obsession with animals… Dogs are my favourite, but I like cats too. Oops, that’s probably getting a bit off topic. Sorry if that was a really girly thing to say :P

Ha ha, I love your conspiracy theories. Oh, and thanks for catching the thing about alley cats. You're very attentive. I'll have to fix that, and make things more detailed, when I do some editing.

The stuff about Alex was interesting. Unlike Jason, I am sure that Alexander the sorcerer and Alex, Bianca’s brother are the same person. Perhaps Bianca is from the past, and that’s why he disappeared so long ago! Maybe she accidently transported herself into the future, and doesn’t know it? Hehe. More crazy theories!

I’m beginning to see more of a difference between Sadie and Jason, which I like. Sadie is more calm, I think, and she’s a lot more confident. Jason’s more childish, while Sadie’s the mature one :P In this chapter I think you did a good job of contrasting their personalities. I have a much clearer idea of Sadie’s character now. I liked the bit where she was sort of teasing/asking Jason about Bianca. It seemed like a girly thing to do. I’m not sure if you’re worried about this, but I think you’re doing a good job of writing from a girl’s perspective, if you are.

Anyway, here are some cookies about emotions. Most of the time, your emotions are quite good. But there were a few times in this chapter where you said things like “Jason seemed ashamed” and “that seemed to make Jason angry”. I think it would be better to describe via his actions how Jason feels, you know? Most of the time you do that, but for those two phrases I felt it should have been more descriptive. There was a bit of repetition in the first paragraph too, when you started two sentences in a row with “he”. Sorry if that’s really picky of me.

I’m very curious about how magic works in Draida/the rest of the world. Can anyone use magic, or are only certain people able to? Is it really just as easy as picking up any old stick and saying a magic word? I’m interested to find out ;)

Sorry again for being so slow.

Thanks a lot for being picky! I did a ton of changes when self-editing but missed a lot of things, because I was concentrated on turning Michael into Sadie. Sorry if everything seems childish and stupid, I think I was taking it too far with the humor.

I'm glad the girly narration thing was working out. It's probably just because Michael wasn't necessarily boyish though, so I'm still a little worried about that in the future.

You'll learn more about magic in chapter seven. One thing I should have made clear in chapter one is that anyone can learn magic, which is why Amisto recruited Sadie and Jason. As for how easy it is...that's the tricky part.

This was a good chapter. Jason has some brains! I was rather confused during the challenge bit, but he explained it all later so it’s all good. The bit at the end was heart-warming, when Jason managed to defeat the monster and free the sorcerers from their furry states. It’s nice he’s gained some confidence. Hopefully he’ll be more positive about the whole magic-learning experience now ;) I like the randomness of this story, if that makes sense. One minute, Jason’s a frog, the next minute he’s back to being human… And then kangaroos! It’s amusing to read :P

I found some of the transitions, particularly in the challenge part, a little awkward. Personally I think it would be better to write a few sentences detailing a time change instead of just writing *A FEW MINUTES LATER*. It just seems more professional that way, you know? Plus, that way the narration isn’t interrupted. There was also another instance in this chapter where a sentence was all in capitals: “WE BECAME KANGAROOS…”

Speaking of the kangaroos, I thought that part was funny. I think my inner patriot was secretly pleased that they were kangaroos instead of dinosaurs. Anyway it was unexpected, which was nice. Although dinosaurs would have been cool, too ;)

Overall, I’m excited to read more. I feel like this story could go in a variety of directions, so I’m looking forward to seeing what happens. I wonder what awaits them at Port Barcos…

Hopefully the randomness doesn't get old over time. The whole plot is sort of like that, though this chapter was the worst one. It made me cringe when I read over it during self-editing =)

I'm definitely with you on the transitions and all caps. I don't think I did that too often in the rest of the chapters, but I'll skim through them and see.

Thanks for the comments. I don't mind your being slow, because it's not like you can help it and the comments a very helpful.

The bit with Alex and Amisto interested me. He says he had a wife and two kids, which I suppose could be Bianca and her brother (although, if it were, they said he disappeared thirty years ago, and she was a teenager…). I still think she’s a time traveller or something. Maybe she’s the one who disappeared, in his childhood, before this happened! She jumped in the TARDIS and explored time and space, but somehow got her memory wiped and returned to Earth with no knowledge of it… xD That way he could just be a lot older than her, like 5-10 years, if he had kids.

Anyway, cool, a prophecy of sorts. Reminds me of Harry Potter, hehe.  I wonder why he thinks that Jason is “the one?” Surely there were a lot of boys born fifteen years after that flashback. Or perhaps she was referring to the exact date, and Jason was the only one born on that day. Although, I suppose Bianca said that Alex and Jason looked alike, so perhaps he is his reincarnation or something, and that's why Amisto's convinced he's the one. Anyway, I’m very interested… I like all the mystery you’ve added :3

In the parts where Amisto “telepathed” to the police – I feel it might be more fluent if you wrote what he said in italics or quotation marks or something. For me it seemed awkward, and hard to tell what exactly they were saying to each other in their heads because it didn’t stand out from the rest of the narrative. Perhaps italics would be best, as that would distinguish it from normal speech?

I also found this sentence confusing: “You've read up to chapter eight,” No I haven’t xD Perhaps this chapter was moved, and you didn’t change that line? Also there were quite a few bits of dialogue in this chapter where there was a full stop after the dialogue instead of a comma: “Like this.” He said. Anyway, I also found the beginning of the flashback a little confusing at first. It wasn’t too bad, and I soon realised what was going on, so I think it’s alright.

Thanks for taking the time to comment, I really appreciate it! Don't worry about being slow, I really don't mind.

Your theories are fun to read. I'm glad you like the mysterious part to it, and thanks for catching those things. I'll change it when I can.

Oh, and that was an excellent sentence, by the way. Way better than mine: Eventually, Christabel Stevenson's attractive Australian rhinoceros, Maximilian, annoyingly disappears altogether.

I really liked the information about how magic works in this chapter. Although, I found it strange when he said he was telling them the history of magic. He lied, because he talked about the different types of magic, not the history ;) Still, it was interesting to see how there are different types, and how they work. I wonder if they’ll ever get to use any of the other types of magic. I’m sure they will at some point :P

I really liked your descriptions in this chapter. Especially Rex's house. It was very interesting the way you described his house as having “multiple personalities”. I’m not being sarcastic, by the way, if that sentence sounds sarcastic. I think it’s a good way of conveying his eccentricness (it’s totally a word :P). At least, I get the impression he’s a little eccentric so far ;)

I am suspicious of him, though. He seems too good to be true – Sadie and Jason just happen to come across a cool old guy who can teach them magic? Plus, he was cunning enough to trick them into using magic… Also, he snapped Jason’s wand in half! How mean of him. Although, I’m assuming he did so because it was a bad wand or something, but still, he could have elaborated first :P Sorry, I’m a very suspicious person. I feel like he has lots of secrets, or is secretly working against them or something. Or maybe he’s just a nice guy and I’m overreacting xD

There were a few times, like in the paragraph starting with: "I'm not senile” where you kept switching between dialogue and action without starting a new line. I think it would be better to split it up a bit, it would make it flow better that way, particularly when there’s quite a descriptive sequence like in that example.

Also, on the subject of Rex – I feel like the way he talks is a bit too young sounding. There wasn’t much of a change between Sadie and Jason’s way of talking and his, and I feel there should be. Like when he kept referring to Sadie and Jason as “you guys” – it doesn’t seem to be something an old guy would say. Not that I’d really know, being neither a guy nor old, but I got that impression. Anyway, I’d suggest maybe making him say something like “you kids” instead, as that kind of establishes the age difference between them, while “you guys” makes it sound like he’s a teenager/young adult :P I think he did say you kids once or twice, but he seemed to say you guys a lot.

Oh, and I found a spot where Sadie and Jason are referred to as boys: "Hey boys, tea is ready.”

Also this sentence: "Um... Ben and Bob,palmed.” It seems to be missing some words.

Sorry about the really bad chapter. Hopefully it wasn't too weird. I had a really strange mind back then o_0

I forget why he didn't get to mentioning history. I haven't really gone into that, even through the end of The Necromancer's Curse. There will be bits and pieces of information scattered around the whole story, like different spells and stuff.

Rex talking like a young person is part of his being eccentric. He wants to be young again - you'll find out exactly why later on - and that's how I chose to convey it. When I said that I'm really bad at the way different people talk, this is what I meant. Just a warning, there's also a British guy, and Irish guy, and a pirate (of course Britain and Ireland don't exist because it doesn't take place in the real world). I have no idea why I did this to myself and you readers...

Anyway, thanks a lot for pointing out all those mistakes, I'll make sure to fix them.

Everything was fine and dandy until we arrived at the kitchen scene. I'm a little confused with the world building here. Early on, I got a rather modern vibe from the text, but when he had to shout out the window for police I wasn't exactly sure. I do know this is fantasy, so you can stretch the realms of reality, but as I write this, I'm quite confused.

As for the rest of the chapter, it was amusing, but it certainly gathered my interest. I'm not one for light-hearted stories, but believe it or not I have a sense of humor, and I appreciated the comedy woven into this chapter. I failed to find any grammatical errors, which is a huge plus from my perspective.

Jason's reactions, given what little we know about him, felt natural, and seemed to stay within the realms of his character. He was having one weird morning, and he behaved naturally to it. So far, you've introduced a cast of quirky characters which seem to increase the appeal of the story. I like what you've shown so far.

Thanks a lot for the comment! Sorry if the story is a bit too strange. It was my first, I wrote it a long time ago (longer than the date on the details page). The story doesn't take place in any particular time period. I guess it's sort of like modern day but instead of technology they have magic. 

Not a lot really happened here- just Sadie recapping the events of the previous chapter, but we were also provided some insight to Jason from an outside force. It's a nice touch showing other perspectives on him, so we get a better grip on his character.

Really, unless this story is set in modern times, the characters speak far too, well, modern for a fantasy novel. They speak as the typical American teenager, not a young adult from the medieval period. Currently, I'm having trouble grasping the setting. Everything else is coming through to me very well, such as the characters, and how the world works, but for the time period itself I am drawing a blank. It's a little confusing.

Jason's parents were rather relaxed with the fact that Amisto was in their house, although a Mage is obviously a highly reverend position in society and it's likely they would not show any disrespect, even if he did break into their house. They were also fairly relaxed, it seemed, with the fact he was interested in creating a sorcerer out of their son. Then again, they learned of the situation towards the end of the chapter, so we might not have been given enough time to see their reactions just yet.

Again, I apologize if everything was really confusing. I sacrificed realism for humor, which probably wasn't the best idea because it seems to be distorting the story. I was confused when you said that Jason's parents were relaxed, though it probably looks that way due to my attempt at making the scene humorous. 

I'm glad that you like the humor, and that the story interests you. Let me know if the story becomes too weird. It doesn't really get a more serious tone until the halfway point. This is just a warning, but if silly unrealistic nonsense isn't your thing, then you might not like chapters five and seven. 

Rex still seems suspicious to me. I don’t know why, I just get that vibe from him :P I wonder why he wants to seem young. Maybe he’s under a curse, and is really young on the inside. Or maybe he wants to live forever or something. The bit with Alex was interesting too. I wonder what he’s doing on that island in the middle of nowhere, and why he left. Perhaps he left to find Amaaltik. Speaking of Amaaltik, I wonder when he will appear in the story. Maybe Alex is Jason from the future (hah) because they look so alike. Then “his” family would be Jason’s family, and that’s how he could tell them he’d be home soon :P Oh, now I have a new theory. Maybe Rex is Alex from the future (Alex laughed, and before Jason said that Rex laughed a lot), and then Alex is Jason from the future!

The part with Calvin was certainly random. But a good random, don’t worry :P I would have expected more of a reaction from Jason, though. He seemed to just think, “oh look, my wand's a crab now”. Wasn’t he freaked out at least a little bit when his wand turned into a crab? I know I would be :P Although, I suppose if you live in a magical world these things would seem normal, so maybe not. And his wand did something crazy, like Rex said it would if they said the wrong name, so that means Alex probably isn’t “Alex II”. He must just be the original! Or something else... xD

 It was interesting how Jason was so good at magic already. I wonder if Sadie will be jealous in the future, because she obviously studies hard  and stuff but Jason must have a natural gift or something. Especially when Rex kept praising him like that, I know if I were her I'd feel a bit left out. I think it would be interesting if that does happen, but I think it won't be for a while if it does.

Again, I think that you should split up some of the dialogue. I don’t know if it’s just me, but it seems awkward when the dialogue and action are constantly switching without a new paragraph. It doesn’t happen all the time, but there are quite a few places.

Also, I feel like everything in this chapter happened really, really fast. I was kind of confused about a lot of things. I had to read some bits over quite a few times to understand what was going on. I think maybe the transitions with the dream and even the scene with the theives before it could be a little clearer. It was a little too much “And then this happened” if you know what I mean. And I know this is humour and sometimes not realistic, but I doubt real thieves would just come up to someone and announce they’re going to rob them. They’d be a little more subtle, surely :P

And I found a spot where I think a word is missing: “looked at me.” I think Sadie is missing.

Sorry for taking so long to get back to this. I’ve finished all my hard exams now, so I’ll be able to comment more frequently now :) Probably not every night for the next week or so, but after that I will.

I like the way you think :) Thanks for not sugarcoating it. I'll make those changes when I can. I've always been too vague, especially writing essays in school. You're getting closer to the halfway point and the quality should (hopefully) be better then because I wrote more slowly and carefully. I'm glad it's still interesting though. 

Congratulations on finishing all your hard exams! I look forward to hearing more from you in the future. 

The pirates were very entertaining. I liked how stereotypically they talked, some people think “Stereotypes are always bad!!!” but in this case I think it added to the humour. Especially the way Skylos was using all those cliché pirate words: “Argh”, “ye”, etc :P It made me feel like he was from Pirates of the Caribbean or something :P And then they were dogs! I love dogs.

Anyway, I still feel like the story lacks description in it. I know this is probably hypocritical of me, as description is definitely one of my weakest points as a writer, but still I thought I’d mention it anyway :P The chapter with Rex’s house was very descriptive and cool-sounding. And the description of Rex turning into a serpent and the tavern scene in general was good. But in this chapter I was really wondering what the pirate ship looked like, and there was only a few lines… I think when you do add in description, it’s good, but maybe you should add more?

Wait, since when were we going to go with pirates? I’m not sure of this line is supposed to be italics or not. I mean, since the story is first person there’s really no need, and nothing has been italicised like that before, so maybe it was a mistake or a formatting problem. Anyway, I thought I’d point it out :P

So far Sadie is my favourite character. I like how she seems sensible and cautious, plus she’s a hard worker. I like Jason as well, he’s entertaining :P And Skylos is definitely a memorable character too ;) As for Rex, he’s too suspicious to be my favourite, but he’s a good character. I found it funny when Sadie insisted they were too young to go into the tavern. Most teenagers I know would be eager to do something like that, especially because it’s against the rules :P She’s very well-behaved. Still, I think she’ll begin to resent Jason at some point, as she mentioned how it was weird he’s so good already.

I sense a hint about Fidi. So the serpent sinks ships, huh…. They’re on a ship right now… I have a feeling they’re going to get into some trouble soon :P

Lol, you're suspicious of an elderly man but not a pirate XD I'm glad you liked the pirates. It's nice to know the characters are interesting.

Hmm...I haven't thought about using italics in first person perspective. Thanks for telling me. I'll definitely change that, and make it more descriptive.

I would say more but that might spoil what happens in the next chapter. I hope you enjoy.

Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Skylos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the rest of the dogs!!!! :’( :’( Rex is mean. I know they were planning on betraying them or something, but I don’t care. They were dogs, so they were instantly cool. I hope they’re not really dead. This is fantasy, after all. There’s always a chance they’ve survived somehow. And they didn’t die “on page” (I don’t know what else to call it :P) so hopefully they’re still alive. Besides, he had a flashback and everything. He must be important :P

I wonder what Sadie and Jason will think of Rex leaving the dogs like that. Were they in on his plan? I doubt it. Still, he’s even more suspicious now. I thought it was weird at first how he showed them his magic so easily, and I was going to comment on it, but then the rest of the chapter happened, so… xD I think they’re going to be upset. Maybe doubt him. I’m mean, aren’t I :P I can’t help it, anyone who hurts dogs can’t be a good person. Even if the dogs were planning on killing them… But they were dogs, so I instantly forgive them. If you haven’t guessed, I love dogs.

Something I found confusing – if Skylos was on a separate part of the ship from the sorcerers (at least I thought he was on a separate path), how did he know they were talking about their day? :P Unless he just assumed, which I suppose he might have.

Also, this is something small, but I found it weird they were saying “kilometres” and “metres” instead of feet and yards or whatever. I think it would make them sound more piratey. When they said metres it threw me off a little, maybe because I think the terms sound too modern. I’m not exactly sure when this is set, but for me it seems like the dog pirates would use the old fashioned terms instead, even if Jason/Sadie don’t. If that makes sense. Which I’m not sure if it does. Sorry for rambling.

“The boys started to use magic” Here is a spot where Jason and Sadie are called boys :P

It's funny how all my commenters on Sparkatale react the way you did and is pro-Skylos, while people who read it in real life are totally different. My girlfriend was like, "They deserve to die, they're evil!" and a friend thought that Rex should have killed them more brutally. I'll have to see whether A. Nonymous breaks that quality. It's really fun to find out the different ways people react to stuff like that.

Thanks a lot for the comment. You have a really good eye for catching things, and it's nice to hear your opinion on the story. If they held another Oscars for commenting, I'm sure you'd have a fair chance at winning =P 

Aww, Calvin is nice. I wonder what his name is (if fidis have names. They are a different race, so maybe they don’t, but surely they can’t all call each other fidi :P) It was interesting to learn more about them.

It was nice to see Jason teach Rex a lesson! I’m still suspicious of him :P I mean, I know he was trying to teach Jason and all that, but surely he could’ve checked to see if Jason could swim first. That’s just common sense! He’s got a big secret, I can tell. I wonder what it is, and how long I have to wait to find out about it. Or maybe he doesn’t have a secret at all, and you’re laughing at me :P Jason must be really, really good at magic, if he was able to fool Rex like that (because, if he’s an old, experienced guy who’s really good at magic, it must have been a very good illusion for him to fall for it). I wonder, does he just have a natural talent, or is there some reason why he’s so good? Or both? xD

I liked your descriptions in this chapter. I know I’m really bad at descriptions and stuff, so I’m not in much of a position to complain, but there was still one thing I thought you could add – at the beginning, when they were flying, wouldn’t it be really cold and windy? I think it would be a good way of showing Jason’s fear, if you described how it felt to be carried in the air and looking down to see the ocean below or whatever.

I saw another line with lots of capitals: “WHAT THE FUDGE…” There’s nothing wrong with using capitals like this, but as I said before I think it seems unnecessary and distracting when you’ve already said he’s shouting :P Hehe, that line was funny though. Jason reminds me of my sister when he says “fudge” instead of swearing :P She does that too, except she says “fish”. I don’t really know why. Sorry for rambling…

“It seemed terrible to be a piece of wood, nevertheless a stick.” This might just be me, but I felt this line was a little awkward. I think “never mind” instead of “nevertheless” would be better here.

“flying towards Michael” :P

Thanks for the comment! I'm glad you like Calvin, some people thought he wasn't interesting enough. I have a personality for him but let me know if it should be more developed. And he does have a name. You find out what it is later on. I think the next chapter.

Yeah, Rex has a secret. I'm glad nobody's figured it out on their own yet. It should be exposed in a couple chapters or so. And the reason Jason is so good at magic is a secret too, I'm not sure when you'll find out. I gave a few clues to both their secrets, but that's all I should say because I don't want to spoil it. 

Oh fish, I missed a Michael =P I'll definitely make the beginning more descriptive and change the all caps. Haha, about that one sentence, "nevertheless" isn't the only awkward part about it. 

I was a little confused in the first part of the chapter, but our main character, and narrator of the story was as well, so that's alright. I think he might have used magic on the police officers, but I'm not really sure one way or the other.

I'm glad we got to a see a little darker side of this story. I think you wrote it very well, and the monsters were described beautifully. It's also strange how he dreams of being a sorcerer, but refuses to in real life. I know you explained it, but usually our subconscious is a reflection of our minds... so something in Jason wants to be a sorcerer, it's probably just incredibly suppressed.

Oo, a new character. She's opened up a new route for the story, and I can sense some possible plot lines developing out of it. I'm looking forward to reading more!

I'm glad the story is interesting. Hopefully it isn't too confusing, but so far you get the parts with Jason and Bianca.

One thing I'm slightly concerned about is changing ideas, like if something interesting happened but doesn't get mentioned later on in the story, so please let me know if such a conflict occurs.

Thanks for the comment!

It's pretty funny when a spell goes wrong, and it's even more amusing that simply thinking of water causes that. I'm glad we were exposed to real, conscious magic in this chapter, mishaps included. Jason's going to require a lot of work before he's up to par with Sadie.

The ending was a little weird, but I'm assuming either Jason used magic to eradicate them and something happened to him as well, or the mob abducted him. But, why was an angry mob pursuing them in the first place? Sorcery is widely accepted in the town, so it certainly wouldn't be because of that..

Thanks for the comment, but especially mentioning the mob. I don't remember what that was supposed to be, likely some of Amisto's soldiers as opposed to civilians. I'll have to change that, once I get to do some more self-editing. 

Sorry I haven't gotten to your story in a while. I'll get one in tonight, and plan on commenting daily from now on since school's out and I only have one story to comment on at the moment.

I liked Sadie in this chapter. I don’t think she’s my favourite character just because she’s the only girl (aside from Bianca, but she only appeared for a short time), I like how she’s sensible and cautious. It’s a good contrast to Jason. It was funny how the three of them (Rex, Calvin and Jason) were fighting like children. They should know better :P I still don’t trust Rex. I mean, he must be pretty dumb to just drop Jason like that, and then not even think to check he was following. Surely he has an ulterior motive!!! Hehe, maybe I’m just a suspicious person :P I wonder where their bag went… Did they drop it in the sea, or did someone steal it?

The bit with the cave was interesting too. I am sure they will go back there in the future… Maybe it leads to a magical world or something, and Rex knew that. Maybe only really experienced sorcerers can access it or something like that. Or maybe that’s to do with his secret. Hmmm…

There were some wordings that I found strange (just like the sentence I just wrote :P). One is when “I put my hand to my mouth, shocked” I think probably over, instead of to, would be better. And this one: “I glared at him and he became silent.” I think fell silent sounds better. Also when you described their feet as squishing in the puddle. It sounds strange, perhaps you could say they made squishing noises or something like that? Because when I first read that I was a little confused :P But then, I’m easily confused, so… xD

Also, a lot of time you describe someone as “seeming” something (He seemed confused, he seemed almost jealous, etc). I think it would be better to describe them. Sometimes I don’t think it’s really necessary (the jealous one) because from Rex’s dialogue it’s easy to see he’s jealous, if you know what I mean.

 “until Jason and Michael came” :)

P.S. what does “Okeanos” mean? Is that a word from this story or is it just a word I don’t know? :P For some reason, I am curious…

The cave was just to show how disoriented they were. I was trying to help create a sense of hopelessness. It doesn't have any significance beyond that,

I'm glad the only main female character (at this point) is a good one. It's strange, in Hunting Amaatlik there's a lot of guys, and in Necromancer's Curse a lot of them are female.

Yeah, squishing feet does sound rather peculiar. I'll change those awkward wordings when I self-edit again.

Okeanos isn't a word known to the characters, but if you want to know that's Calvin's fidi name.

Oh, so Rex is Alex. Now I know that, I can see the hints. Their names, for one :P I have to say I wasn’t expecting that, so good job. I thought he was evil! Although, I suppose he still could be ;) He did keep all the food to himself, that was pretty mean. I’m a horrible person, I know. But why didn’t he tell them he was Alex in the first place? He must be hiding from something… Maybe Amaaltik knows who he is, or something, so he hid. Anyway, I wonder what will happen now they’ve found the Alexes.

If Rex is Alex, and Alex is Bianca’s brother, and she said Jason looked like him… I don’t think he’s his father/grandfather, because Jason had a dad at the beginning (unless he’s adopted or something, but so far I don’t think there’s any evidence that points to this). Is he his reincarnation? I don’t know xD Besides, I think to be a reincarnation the original has to be dead, and he’s not. Perhaps it’s just a coincidence. Or maybe not, I have no idea.

 I wonder why Bianca is still young though. Maybe she’s actually dead, and is a ghost? Or she could have time travelled somehow without realising it. Still, it was nice to see her again.

Something I noticed, an inconsistency – in the last chapter, Sadie spoke about how she’d missed getting to talk to Alex (the younger one). But in this chapter, when Jason mentioned it, it said that both Rex/Alex and Sadie were confused, and that he hadn’t mentioned it to either of them. Also, if Bianca thinks her brother left a few years ago, and Rex said she should be 46 now, meaning she was sixteen when she left doesn’t that mean she should think she is eighteen/nineteen or something? Because she said she'd only lived for sixteen years. Or, the other way around, he actually left when she was around thirteen/fourteen?

And after this line: Okay, at this point I really want to wake up from this crazy dream, I thought. There was a sentence that I think must have been cut off, or something.

“He was something I wanted to deal with.” I think someone would be better here. And this line: “their amulets could teleport people once.” I think you forgot to put multiple or lots of people or something like that :P

“I picked up my wand and ran after him”. Here you referred to Sadie as a him. Also: “Michael gasped”

Wow. All this talk about Bianca and the Alexes is getting even me confused. Sorry if it's twisting your brain a bit too much. No, she is supposed to be sixteen. You make a really good point, but because of who Bianca is and her story, she's the same age as the boys. I mean Jason and Sadie =P

I can't believe how I keep missing that, even in my comment replies. Though I'm glad I changed it because I didn't want to seem sexist.

Thanks for the advise on wording. I don't know when I'll edit again, but when I do I'll change those. 

My theory is that Bianca is a ghost (she wasn’t eating anything, so maybe she doesn’t need to because she’s dead!). I’m curious about Sadie’s family. I don’t remember them being mentioned at the start like Jason’s was. Does she have one, or is she an orphan or something like that?

I’m waiting for her to explode and yell at Jason. She seems to be getting even more jealous. I feel kind of bad for him (Jason) as he didn’t really do anything wrong, but at the same time I can understand her jealousy :P It’s always annoying when you do so much hard work but someone else does better without really trying. Still, I was proud of her in this chapter – Jason may have more talent, but she seems to know how to use her brains more, and the speech she gave was good. I’m assuming she is to be the new setahr? Or at least that’s Amisto’s plan. I wonder what she’ll do about that… I fear it may go to her head :P

It’s nice that Amaatlik was mentioned again, too. I wonder what he’s been doing for so long. I’m assuming he was behind the magical force that prevented Rex (I’m going to call him that still to distinguish him from the other Alex) from leaving Barcos.

I was kind of confused by Alex and Bianca’s reaction to Rex being left on the island. They were acting like he died, or something, and calling it a sacrifice. I mean, the dude’s a sorcerer. Surely there are other ways to leave, and he’s still alive and kicking :P I just found that a bit odd.

Also something I’ve been noticing, there isn’t much description of the characters themselves. Honestly I can’t remember much about what they look like. The only thing I remember is that Sadie has red hair and Jason has brown :P It’s not that big a deal, but maybe you could add a bit more description of them here and there.

“It had been like this for 30 years, and I never noticed.” Well, she wasn’t alive for the first fourteen or so years, so it would be strange if she’d noticed in the time before that :P I think it would be better if she said “it had been like this for my whole life” or something like that.

 “They ran away from the crazy boy that was me.” Sadie is referring to herself as a boy :P

 Anyway, I’m finally finished with everything, so I should be able to comment at least once a day now. Thanks for being so patient.

The stories behind what Bianca is and Sadie's family won't be revealed until the sequel. Sorry if that's too long. For some reason I like to make all my girls mysterious and my boys more straightforward.

Yay, you spelled Amaatlik right ;) I can't wait to see your reaction to him. He's one of my favorite characters for several reasons, even though he's evil.

There's definitely a love-hate relationship between Jason and Sadie. I'm glad that it's interesting, and hopefully it doesn't get too complicated.

Alex and Bianca were upset because not only did they lose the single relative they were in touch with, but Rex was the setahr, and you know how people react to the loss of their setahr. I understand where you're going though, and if someone else agrees I'll make their reactions more realistic.

About the descriptions, I'll keep that in mind. I feel weird focusing on my characters' physical appearances but if they're needed then so be it.

No, Sadie's actually a thirty-year-old boy. I meant to put in the parts about her not noticing the town being that way for thirty years, and her calling herself a boy. Oops, did I just spoil that for you? =P Just kidding. Thanks a lot for letting me know of those errors.

One thing I'm concerned about, for future comments, is information that doesn't need to be in the story, and things that I mentioned at one point but were never referred to/should have been kept in mind later in the story. I'd also like to know whether it's much of a deal. One example is a power that Jason has, which for some reason went away at the end of the story.

Congratulations on finishing your exams! I look forward to daily comments from you.

Ahhhh, have I been spelling his name wrong this whole time??? That’s so embarrassing… xD And no, it’s not too long to wait to find out about Sadie and Bianca. It’s fun to speculate anyway :3

The beginning with Jason’s parents was kind of funny but a bit sad at the same time :P I feel bad that they don’t know about what Jason was doing. It makes me think, what if he had died, and they never would have seen him again? Still, his excuse to them was funny :P They must have been really relieved to fall for that ;)

I liked the part where Sadie and Jason didn’t seem to know what last names are. It seems realistic, if no one they know has last names. Although I never really thought about it, it is interesting that they don’t. Perhaps it’s like in the past when only the rich people have last names, if that butler guy knew about them and seemed to look down on them for not having them. Anyway, I like details like that. I also liked the details about Draida itself, like how it’s uniformly arranged.

I liked the story of how they met. I was wondering about that, actually :P The part where she was choosing between an imp or a unicorn was funny. Unicorns can be pretty cool. They could probably kill someone with that horn :P Still, the story was intriguing. I wonder how Jason ended up there. Was he just passing by, or was there some reason why he was the one to save Sadie?

There were a few times in this chapter where it seemed the formatting hadn’t transferred over properly or something, as a few paragraphs started halfway through a sentence. I have noticed this happening before (I can’t remember if I pointed it out or not) but in this chapter there were quite a few spots where it happened.

Although, I found some of Jason’s reluctance in this chapter and the last a bit strange. It just seemed a bit out of the blue to me. Sure, they had some scary moments on their mission, but overall he didn’t seem that scared or anything. And then in this chapter, he’s speaking all negatively and doubting them again. I think maybe you should make him be a bit more doubtful beforehand, or something. His change in attitude isn’t unrealistic, or anything, I just feel like it’s a bit sudden, because he seemed perfectly fine about it a few chapters ago. He’s been building up his confidence and now it’s all suddenly gone again, and there wasn’t a very clear transition. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense, by the way. I’m not quite sure how to explain it.

“Michael opened the gate”

“Michael and Tyler followed him.”

“She realized that Seth and Tyler had come back for him,” Sadie is a him again :P And here: “Instead of her friends, he saw”

Thanks for the comment, and sorry for replying late.

I'll make the transition into Jason's doubt more smooth. I should explain that it's partly because of Amaatlik and...well...maybe it'll become clearer near the end of the story, maybe it will just get more confusing. I guess sometimes Jason is overly confident, and other times he's the exact opposite. Bianca was a bit of an incentive on his quest to find Alex but after it she didn't look up to him anymore, so he lost his confidence. Does that make sense?

Sorry about all those mistakes! I suck at self editing =V I'll look over the chapters again and hopefully fix all those typos. Thanks for catching all those parts about Michael.

The scene with the magic shop was cool. I was imagining the shop from Buffy, and then Alex , was Giles :P Even though he’s younger than Giles… Hehe. Still, I felt sorry for him. Jason wasn’t being very nice. He needs to learn to respect his elders! :P The thing where Jason scared Sadie was interesting. I wonder how he learnt to make his face disappear like that. I also admire you for making up your own currency (well, I’m assuming it’s made up, as I’ve never heard it before :P). I’ve always been far too lazy to do that, so I just avoid mentioning it :P Anyway, it’s a good detail because it adds to the world and makes it seem natural.

Still, I’m excited. I wonder where their quest to find AMAATLIK (Hah!) will lead them. I’m excited, I’m hoping to see some cool action scenes. And after what you said about AMAATLIK I’m excited to meet him too.

Anyway, some of Amisto’s dialogue in this chapter I felt made him sound too young. I’m not sure how old he is (I kind of imagine him in his thirties or forties), but some of the things he says just don’t sound like something an adult would say. Kind of like Rex, but you said he wanted to seem young, so… Most of the time it’s alright, there were just a few places that I thought sounded odd, like this sentence: “You guys can get that stuff at your houses”. I don’t really see adults saying “you guys” and “that stuff”, as it sounds to teenagerish :P

Also, it did seem strange to me when Jason swore (not a serious swear word, but it seemed weird for him to say it). I never really saw him as the sort of person to swear. At least, before he said substitute words (like fudge). But then, he was acting differently in this chapter, so perhaps that was part of it.

This sentence I found to be strangely worded: “That's for half off anything in the store, so it'll be 18 docha." I think you could just say that Amisto gets everything for half the price, or something. The first part sounds weird to me :P

“Well. It looks like the boys are in good hands,” Sadie is counted as a boy again :P

You shouldn't type in all caps like that, it seems immature ;) Just kidding. Amaaltik will be glad to know you can finally spell his name right =P

Yeah, that's my made-up currency. I think it's only mentioned one other time though. Glad it's a nice detail.

Oh no, battle scenes...I forgot to include battle scenes. Well, not really, but...darn. You'll see what I mean.

Thanks for letting me know about Amisto. That's what I was talking about when I said I'm bad at making people talk realistically. There's three other characters that I'm worried about, see if you can guess which ones they are.

It is strange that Jason swore, but he's a strange boy. He does tend to get into trouble a lot, and part of it is his language. I'll look over my word choice when self editing.

The part with the abrol was kind of sad. At first I was thinking, aww, what a nice talking tree! He’s right, monsters aren’t so bad! Although some of the things he was saying did seem suspicious (particularly about the potions). Still, I thought he was a nice guy/tree. And then Sadie revealed his deception…  xD I don’t think Jason really needs to grow up that much though. I think it is true that not all monsters are bad. Perhaps he does need to be more suspicious and less naïve (because he did trust that tree pretty easily) as some people/monsters are “bad”, but his mindset that not all of them are is correct in my opinion :P I mean, what Sadie said about monsters – that it’s rare to find one that will help you without expecting anything in return – is true about humans as well :P I know I certainly don’t know a lot of people who will do something nice just for the heck of it. Perhaps someone will point this out at some point… Maybe Amaatlik when he finally appears. I don’t know :P

I found it strange in this chapter when Jason thought that Sadie really was saying those things about them dying and stuff. I mean, I know he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed at times, but surely he’d suspect it wasn’t her? He knows her pretty well, so you’d think he’d realise that wasn’t something she’d say. Plus he should know that in that forest things like that can happen, even though Sadie said there were no monsters awake at that time. Unless that was some trick of the forest, making him feel more hopeless than usual or something. Anyway, I just found that a bit odd that he was so convinced she was actually saying it.

I know I’m a bit of a hypocrite for saying this, but there was something I thought should be capitalised: As fon is an acronym for Forest of Nightmares, it should be in capitals, shouldn’t it?

The forest did make Jason feel more hopeless, and while he sometimes "pretends" to be stupid, it also took away a bit of his common sense. But you're right, I should show the characters' reasons for thinking and acting the way they do, such as Jason's gullibility. Even though they're magically influenced, it should seem more natural. Thanks a lot for pointing that out!

I'm not saying whether all monsters are evil in this story because that's pretty much the conflict. A lot of the conflict in this story and in the first half of the sequel is more mental than physical. Let me know if it doesn't work out well that way...but yeah, that's how it is at the moment.

I'll capitalize FON. Strange, it almost looks like "fun" but the Forest of Nightmares isn't very fun. I honestly just noticed that.

Oh! I bet it’s Amaatlik! The voice that was talking to Sadie, I mean. Wait, I change my mind. That seems almost too obvious. Now I’m thinking it’s probably someone else, although they could be working for him or something. Or maybe someone completely unrelated :P I think maybe the person is implanting thoughts in Sadie’s head, getting her and Jason to fight because he knows that together they will have a chance of stopping Amaatlik, while if they’re alone they won’t. That’s my theory, anyway :P And now that Sadie’s alone, they’ll try and get her to help them or something, and turn her against Jason completely. Wow, that was more complicated then I intended it to be :P Sorry for making you read all my weird speculations… xD

Ruldoph is interesting too. I highly doubt he was just passing by, he must have searched for Sadie for a reason… I don’t really have any theories about him at the moment :P I’ll have to keep thinking.

Also, I was kind of confused when Sadie said that Jason was doing this to save Bianca… At first I thought she was just saying it out of anger, but then he didn’t deny it, so now I’m confused. I mean, sure, he seemed to have a crush on her, but if your intention is for him to be actually in love with her or something then his feelings seem a little forced. Because all the references to him being in love with her I thought were just Sadie and stuff teasing him, until this chapter when I thought, ‘Wait, he’s really in love with her? What?’ I mean, he barely even mentions her in his narrations. I know I’m a cynical old lady (who’s trapped in a young body) but I need more to convince me :P Particularly if it’s meant to be an important part of his motivation.

This sentence bugged me a little: “That was three ways to go; north, east, and west.” I think “there were” would be better here :P

I know I haven’t really been saying this, but feel free to ask me any question you’d like. I just remembered and thought I should say that :P

No, I love hearing your weird speculations, comparing them to how the story actually goes. 

Jason had a crush on Bianca the whole time, as she had a crush on him. He denied it at first, because he thinks love at first sight is stupid (as do I) but things are going on in his brain. Who knows, maybe their love was influenced by magic? Any relationship could be. But I should drop hints to show that he does like her, so thanks.

I can't think of any questions, just a concerns which regard the story as a whole: whether there should be more action, and if you see any filler. Also, could you please let me know if a chapter isn't enjoyable? I will consider any suggestions on how to make it better. 

I enjoyed the swimming lesson in the first half of the chapter. Calvin sure is a nice guy/fidi. I get a kind of “big brother” vibe from him. At least, he reminds me of my brothers. But they can’t transform into sea creatures (how disappointing).

 Although, I feel he needs a bit more “individual” characterisation, if that makes sense. It probably doesn’t, because I made it up ;) I mean, so far he’s done nice things for Jason, but I don’t really know much about him individually. I mean, what are his motivations, what was his life like, that sort of thing. I feel at the moment he needs a bit more development beyond him being nice and a friend to Jason. Of course, this could very well be in future chapters, so I’ll keep reading on to find out more about him ;)

Anyway, the ending part definitely caught my attention. I guess Jason must have been possessed or something, to poison Sadie without remembering it. Perhaps it was by the same person who spoke to Sadie in the last chapter. Whoever it is, they must want to drive Jason and Sadie apart. At least, that’s what I think, after last chapter and this one. Or they might just want to kill her. That too :P

I’ve been thinking about what you said. I’ve enjoyed all of the chapters I’ve read so far.  Some I’ve liked more than others, obviously, but there’s none that I’ve disliked completely. The main thing I think should be taken out or reworked is perhaps the thing with the cave when they were stranded on that island. I know it’s not meant to have any significance to the plot, and you said was supposed to show their disorientation, but when I read it I was more confused than anything. It seemed a bit random. I think it’s a good idea, but perhaps it should be reworked somehow so idiots like me don’t get confused :P Anyway, I haven’t really noticed something I thought was filler. At least, not bad filler. Most of the filler you do have (like the swimming lesson in this chapter) had character development so it’s good. There hasn’t been much action so far, but I’ll wait until I’ve read further before commenting about that. After all, Amaatlik hasn’t even appeared yet :P

Thanks a lot for the comment, and your thoughtfulness. I'll change the cave scene and Calvin could use some more individual characterization...

Oh fish...you learn a bit about him soon but, the way I see it, he doesn't fully expose himself until the third story because the rest of the series is slightly darker that HA, and Calvin's inner thoughts are pretty dark. Let me know (please) if the next several chapters aren't enough insight on him, and if so I'll see how I can make it better. 

I'm glad you're liking the story! Usually my sense of humor is too weird for some people =p And thanks for answering my questions. I look forward to your future comments. 

Hmm, that was interesting. I’m not sure whether to believe Francis or not when he says that Rudolph is a bad guy and Jason is a ghost. I did find it a bit odd that Sadie believed him so easily, though. I mean, Francis didn’t even tell her how Jason died (if he did, as I’m not convinced he’s actually dead). Sadie up until now seemed pretty smart, but she believed some guy who she was previously told was evil that her best friend is apparently a ghost very, very easily. Perhaps you should change it so she takes more convincing? I mean, later after Calvin questions her she says it was because of Rudolph’s candle breaking and because Jason had been acting weird, but for me it still seems odd. Maybe make her question Francis, and then think about those things before deciding to trust him.

Speaking of Calvin, I’m a little suspicious of him now (sorry for being such a suspicious person). I mean, at first he questioned Sadie trusting Francis and I was like, “yeah, go Calvin!” but then he says she should have trusted him after all… I don’t know, I have a feeling he’s planning something. I don’t really have any idea what it could be, or if it's good or bad, but something :P

I liked the humour in this chapter as well, with the guards. It was funny how they remembered who they were. I admire your use of humour, it seems very natural and not out of place, even though the rest of the chapter was quite serious.

Anyway, the end was definitely interesting. Sadie and Jason are finally separated (I’ve been anticipating that for a while). I wonder what will happen now. I think Sadie is going to be led into a trap by Amaatlik, and then Jason and Rudolph (if he’s a good guy) will have to find her and then they’ll fight him.

This is something I’ve noticed a couple of times. Sometimes you have really short sentences (like two or three words) that I think could easily be merged with the sentence before it. Particularly around dialogue.  Like this one: “Jason said. He laughed.” I think you could easily change that to “Jason said, laughing” and for me it would flow better that way, as the second sentence is a bit unnecessary. But it’s a very minor complaint, I was just struggling to find things to nitpick about in this chapter other than the Sadie thing so I thought I’d mention it :P

I have the tendency to make even my smartest characters stupid =P Thanks for telling me, I find it to be one of the hardest things to catch when self editing (if it's possible). I'll make the sentences longer too. At least the humor worked out, I'm glad you liked it =D

It's good that you're suspicious. Then you won't be surprised that Amaatlik is actually Jason's mom. Oh no, did I just spoil the big plot twist?! Just kidding. I hope you like the next chapter. It's a bit unique, and may or may not be done well enough because of what I mean by "unique."

It's nice you managed to weave some humor into the first part. However, maybe instead of saying "it shocked me so much I turned into a human again" describe the pain or the other feelings of him turning back. Show, not tell. Usually, you're fine about this. Just one instance I caught.

Quick question- how would Jason know what a dinosaur is?

I take back what I said about humor in the first part, this chapter was funny throughout, as yours usually are. The idea of the creature beings ex-sorcerers was pretty cool, and I think it helped Jason get over his fear of the monsters lurking in the woods the slightest. I might be wrong, though, so I suppose I shall have to read and see.

Also, I apologize it's been such a long time since you've heard from me. I haven't been the best review partner recently, so I'm sorry for that.

I'm glad the humor was executed nicely, and that I usually do a good job of showing and telling. I'll fix that one part about changing back into a human.

Unfortunately this story isn't the most realistic ones, even for fantasy/humor, so I don't know how Jason would be familiar with dinosaurs. That's a good point. He mentions a lot of things that he shouldn't know about, so let me know when it happens again. Chapter seven does that for sure.

Don't feel bad about not getting in a lot of reviews. You're busy, and we didn't make any agreement as to how often we would review. I appreciate the time you take out of your busy schedule to read my story and comment.

Thanks for the review, I hope you have a nice day.

Sorry this comment is so late. I’ve been a bit sick these past few days :( Anyway, I’ll try and do at least three tonight to make up for it.

Reading from Calvin’s POV was interesting. I do feel like I understand him better as an individual now, especially as he was separate from Jason and had his own issues (when he was thinking of being powerless). Although, this is something I’m wondering about. Life as a wand doesn’t seem that much different from his life as a Fidi. I mean, he can turn back into a Fidi, and he can choose to go into wand form… And he has cool powers now. Does his master (Jason) have the power to force him to obey, and that’s why it’s a punishment? Sorry for being dumb :P You’ve probably already mentioned that or something, but I forgot.

Anyway, overall I think this chapter did do a good job of developing Calvin beyond being Jason’s wand/friend. Perhaps you could add a bit more, but if he’s supposed to be a mystery or whatever until later, then I don’t think it’s a really big issue or anything. Maybe you could give a few more hints and stuff earlier on, though, and develop him a little more gradually. But as I said it's nothing major.

Xavier is interesting too. I wonder if he’ll become a sorcerer too.  He knows Merlin, so maybe he’s already interested in learning magic. That explains his interest in Calvin too. I wonder what part he will play in the story. At the moment I don’t really have any ideas :P Although, if he knows Merlin does that mean he knows Rex too? Or did they meet after he left?

So, Rex’s dog is a sorcerer too or whatever… I wonder if he’s a human turned dog or if he’s really a dog like Skylos. It’s kind of sad that he has to live by himself now that Rex is stuck on that island. Although, I wonder why he asked them to leave suddenly. And it was right after Xavier asked him what happened… Hmm, suspicious :P Or maybe he just doesn’t like to be reminded of what happened to Rex.

"But I used a homing spell and it lead me here.” It should be led instead of lead :P And I know I haven’t mentioned this in a while, but in this chapter there were another couple of places where you switched between dialogue and action without changing the paragraph. Oh, and there was a sentence of full capitals again: “WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?” (sorry, it bugs me more than it should :P)

I don't think I went into much detail about why Calvin's wand thing is punishment. After Rex captured him, he couldn't turn back into a fidi on his own free will. So yeah, whoever is the master (Jason now) controls him.

Merlin's connection to Rex is like that of Calvin and Jason. He's an animal that can talk and has magic powers (basically a familiar). He wanted to help them, but made them leave because he was still getting over the loss of his master and didn't want to be reminded.

It's nice to know how I can make the chapter better. It looks like I have a couple things to clear up, and I'll fix those wording things. Thanks for the comment! I hope you're feeling better, or get well soon!

This was a really good chapter, definitely one of my favourites (if not my favourite) so far. The second half was especially good. The action stuff was  fast paced and exciting. I’m not that much of an expert, but it seemed good to me. And Jason knowing mind magic was interesting too. As for Xavier, I think he’s Alex’s (the younger one) son, and he ran away from Draida to try and find his parents. Although, I don’t know if his wife went with him, as she wasn’t stuck on that island… Unless she died or something. Or maybe his parents are unrelated, who knows :P Still, the ending made me scared for Sadie and Calvin. I’m sure they’re still alive (Calvin is a fidi, after all), but it’s still nerve-wrecking :P

Anyway, this chapter makes me think that Bianca must be a ghost. It was either that or accidental time traveller ;) Rudolph said a ghost wouldn’t know that they were a ghost, and she doesn’t seem to understand what happened, so maybe she died soon after Rex left. I wonder how she died, if she did.

But I don’t think Jason is really a ghost. I mean, he could be, but I think that Francis guy just made that up to convince Sadie to leave them behind. And he bled when that guard hurt him, so… Still, his reactions to finding out he might be were funny :P Particularly when he said his parents were going to kill him :P

I doubt Sadie would have tried to kill Rudolph (and Jason, but she thought he was already dead). It doesn’t seem at all like her. I mean, I think she meant to lock them away, but not starve them of air. Francis/Bob definitely had something to do with that, and then by saving Jason they have gained his trust and turned him against Sadie. Very crafty :P

 Ugh, Bob. Anyone named Bob is a horrible person (sorry if you know someone called Bob. I have a strange prejudice against that name…) Although I don’t think his name is really Bob, as I think Francis and him are the same person (or in league with each other) and using a fake names. I think they’re either working for or are Amaatlik. Still, the fact he though Bob was an appropriate choice tells me a lot about his character. Gosh, you must think I’m the weirdest person ever :P

When someone is sleeping ((or in hibernation) a decent amount of oxygen is still required. Sure, you need less, but it wouldn’t be enough of a significant difference for Jason to somehow survive when the room has been starved of air. Of course, magic is involved, so it could have erased his need to breathe or something, I just think that Rudolph comparing it to sleep and hibernation was odd.

And when you described Jason seeing Sadie in the mirror, first you said she was in Draida but then it changed to her being in the poor section of Barcos. That confused me a little :P

“before they hurted her” hurt not hurted :P

When Jason says to Sadie "I thought I know you!" For me that sounds weird. I think it would be better I thought I knew you, even though that’s in past tense it sounds more correct and what someone would say.

Anyway, lots of stuff happened in this chapter, and if there's anything I haven't covered feel free to ask :) And sorry if this comment is really scatter-brained, I'm rather tired :P

No sympathy for Rudolph, the innocent old man who selflessly sacrificed himself to save Jason? ;) Nope? I should be clearer in showing that Rudolph was the one who saved Jason. Bob just made it look like he had something to do with it, though he gained Jason's trust.

Sadie killing him isn't like her, but that's actually what I intended. Hopefully the story isn't too weird. I'm trying to make the reader (i.e. you) feel the way the characters are feeling; sort of confused and disoriented, knowing nothing is as it seems. It's making them, mostly Sadie, do weird things =P

Tiburon's only my pen name, my real name is Bob. That hurt my feelings ='''''( Just kidding, my name isn't Bob. I don't think there's any more Bobs in the whole series, but don't take my word for it.

Sorry about all the confusion. It was magical hibernation, and Sadie wasn't in Draida. I don't know why it says that...And the misspellings. Lol, hurted. Thanks for catching those.

I like hearing your thoughts about the chapter. I'm glad you liked it =)

It’s good they’ve finally realised something is up. So Bob/Francis/possibly Amaatlik have been influencing their thoughts… I think that they’re deliberately playing on their fears and annoyances with each other so they won’t be able to work together and defeat Amaatlik. Hopefully now they’ve realised that they’ll be able to resist, and possibly get back on good terms so they can defeat him together.  But, I doubt it will really be that simple ;) I’m sure the villains have more tricks up their sleeves. Anyway I’m excited now, because Amaatlik is surely going to appear soon (if he hasn’t already as Francis/Bob).

Although, I wonder who Calvin’s mind person was, the female one. I have a feeling that thread may be left hanging until the sequel/future sequels.

Also, I thought Calvin was very good in this chapter. He was disagreeing and having his own opinion and stuff, which is a lot different from before when he was kind of like Jason’s sidekick wand friend :P He’s definitely a lot more distinctive now. Xavier’s comments were funny too – he seemed to be the only sane one of the group in this chapter when they were all arguing. I like that even though he’s only been in a couple of chapters, he already feels like part of the group and fits into the story well.

I also liked the details you had in this chapter, like Sadie saying she had never really been in water before. That’s something I never would have thought of :P

 I found it confusing at the beginning, when Calvin told Sadie not to talk or breathe underwater, but then she did anyway with no ill effects. I know he used a spell on her or whatever, but it confused me a little when I read it :P Also, something that I haven’t mentioned for a long time, but I still feel like you should write said more, instead of lots of other dialogue tags. Sorry for being picky :P I’m having trouble finding things to be picky about in these chapters.

I also found it a little strange in this chapter, when Jason accused Sadie of killing Rudolph, and she acted like she did it deliberately. I don’t know, to me it doesn’t seem like something she’d do, even if he was evil. I thought she was being influenced by Francis, but now I’m confused :P

It looks like the ending will be a bit unexpected, I hope it is, and in a good way. Like the rest of the story it's a bit weird. And a lot of things, like Calvin's "mind person," aren't explained until the sequel. I think The Necromancer's Curse might be more straightforward, sorry for not explaining a lot of stuff.

It's nice to know Calvin and Xavier were written well and interesting. I think Xavier, like Skylos, is a usual girls' favorite character, while Jason and Amaatlik are for us guys.

Looking back, it is rather peculiar that Sadie didn't even cough or anything =V She's such a weirdo. The tags is/are something else to change.

Sadie did deliberately try killing Rudolph. People do crazy things when confused and stressed. How it affects her in the future is the catch. Though I could probably give her more of a motive.

I found the Mwah ha ha at the end of the letter funny :P Such villainous stuff :P And “my useless adversaries” too. Hehe.

I also found it interesting when Sadie and Jason were talking about how being sorcerers changed them, and how they never fought before becoming sorcerers. I mean, Amaatlik may have had something to do with the extent they fought but as they said the thoughts were already there. I wonder if they’ll begin to resent their decision. I think it’s interesting, because learning magic is always seen as really cool and fun (like in Harry Potter), but I like how you’re showing the bad side of it, as missions can be scary and it’s changed them so they fight a lot more. I wonder if someone will decide to give up magic in the future or something like that (even if it’s temporary).

Anyway, I wonder what the chocolate Jason ate will do. Maybe he’ll gain some cool but temporary powers.

I hope Calvin and Xavier are okay. I wonder how they got themselves captured by Amaatlik, if they did. I mean, wouldn’t he have taken Jason and Sadie too, because then he wouldn’t have to worry about them coming after him if they were already under his control and kept captive wherever Xavier and Calvin are. Maybe they went somewhere by themselves, and that’s how he was able to catch them (they went swimming in the ocean or something?). Unless that note really was something Calvin had written to make Xavier less scared, like Jason had thought (but, I thought it was just wishful thinking or something :P). But then the dark shape at the end could be Calvin, so perhaps it really was something he’d written. Sorry for making you read through my weird thought processes, by the way :P

Sadie repeated the phrase “last night” twice in some dialogue. First she said, “dream last night,” then Jason said something, and then she said “screaming and kissing for hours last night”. This might just be me and my weirdness, but I found it repetitive. I think the second one can be taken out.

 Also, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t Jekyll spelt this way instead of “Jeckle”? :P And how would Jason know about Jekyll and Hyde anyway? Does that story exist in their world too? xD

Say as much as you want; it's not like you're going off on a tangent or anything, and it shows that you're thinking about the story and that the plot line is interesting. Well, that and how you said that it was interesting. I just realized, Calvin couldn't have written the note because he doesn't have hands. Hm...

Yeah, tell Jekyll I'm sorry for misspelling his name. I don't know why I put in so many references to real life. Should I take them all out, like the Jekyll and Hyde thing?

I don’t think it matters if there are a few references to real life. I mean, this isn’t a super serious realistic story, and I haven’t noticed that many so far, so I don’t think you need to take them out. It’s kind of like the breaking the fourth wall stuff when the characters talk about the story, it’s not realistic but it’s funny to read :P

And Calvin could have changed into a mermaid like he did in that other chapter to write it :P

I don’t think Calvin is evil – I think he’s either being controlled by Amaatlik (as he said before that Amaatlik could not use mind control on humans, only suggest things, but Calvin isn’t a human) or Calvin was captured with Xavier and it’s Amaatlik or one of his minions in disguise. After all, he’s been pretty nice and friendly to Jason so far, so why would he suddenly abandon him? xD

I thought it was a bit mean of Jason to hit Sadie in the face with a book (not a criticism, by the way, just an observation). It seems like he and Sadie have the opposite problem – Jason can sometimes be overly trusting, but Sadie probably doesn’t trust and accept help enough. I think I can relate more to Sadie in this aspect, as I’m a suspicious person :3

The thing with the book was also very curious. I must admit, I’m getting a bad feeling about it, mostly because it reminds me of Voldemort’s diary from Harry Potter ;) It seems all to convenient for them to come across this house with wands and food and stuff to let them rest up before going off to defeat Amaatlik. But then, I don’t see how it could be a trick, so perhaps it really was someone wanting to help them :P Maybe I should take Jason’s advice and be more trusting ;)

When the writing was in italics I was getting a bit confused as to who was writing what. Perhaps you could distinguish between Jason’s writing and the book’s writing somehow, maybe by bolding or underlining one of them or something like that.

When Sadie said: "Dude, say something! Anything!" I feel that “dude” is something a girl wouldn’t say in that situation. I mean, sure they might use that word in every day speech (I know I do :P), but not when his life hangs in the balance. I think she should just say “Jason” instead. I also found it strange how, at first she distrusted the book, but then she decided to trust it because it told her to trust it? I’m not sure if I really understood that part, because it seems odd.

I was also a bit confused as to why Jason sunk so easily to the bottom of the ocean. Humans usually float in water, because of buoyancy and all that (people drown because they can’t keep their head up, but they still stay near the surface).

“After looking in the hole, he pulled out a giant pepperoni pizza that shouldn't have fit in the hole” I felt the use of “the hole” twice was repetitious :P

No, Calvin isn't evil. I'm not spoiling anything when I say this, but that was the magic of the Sea of Despair, which they just so happened to be in. It made them all sad and stuff. I don't know how clear that was, but I'll make a note or something.

Is there really a similar journal in Harry Potter? I keep accidentally putting in references from it that I haven't even heard of, because I didn't read the books or watch the movies =P As for the writing, bolding and underlining is a good idea, but I think I'd rather put a symbol in front of Jason's messages (>). And she didn't fully trust the book. You'll have to wait for the next chapter or the one after that. Their being influenced by magic may need to be clearer and more natural.

How Jason sunk is a mystery. I know that them humans make a habit of floating in water, so blame it on the magic of the Sea of Despair. I'll fix that, and the awkward wording.

Yes, there really is a journal like that ;) It’s the same in that they write things in it and it writes back. I'm surprised nobody's mentioned it, because it was pretty much the first thing I thought of when they found the book lol. I’m sorry, by the way. I didn’t realise you hadn’t read it, so I gave you a spoiler by saying who the diary belonged to… If you ever read Harry Potter, make sure you forget what I just told you :P I have the same thing happen to me, although not with Harry Potter. I might have told you this, but my story gets compared to Divergent a lot, which I’d never even heard of before :P

Amaatlik’s powers are cool. Even though he’s a small, less powerful demon, and probably isn’t very strong physically (unless he was telling the truth when he says he’s gotten a lot stronger, I wasn’t sure if he was bluffing or not), his main powers are obviously with the mind, like the illusions he created in this chapter. I like how so far this story has had more of a “mind battle” than a physical battle. Of course, I am expecting there to be some sort of fight between Sadie, Jason and Amaatlik, but so far the mind battle and fighting amongst themselves has been interesting too. I don’t think it matters there hasn’t been much action so far, because all the possessions and fighting and confusion has been suspenseful enough :P

I’m a bit disappointed we didn’t get a description of Amaatlik, though ;) I know Jason’s to sickened to describe him, but that makes me very curious haha. Oh well, I’ll just have to imagine it myself if he never gets described.

“defeating an ancient monster, i.e. me?” It seems strange that someone would say i.e in speech, especially an ancient demon like Amaatlik :P Perhaps he should say “like me” instead or something. Also, at one point Amaatlik was described as saying something “evilly”. I think I remember you using that word a few times before to describe someone’s speech, and I don’t think it’s a very good descriptive word to use, as we don’t need to be told someone is evil :P

 “They are very resourceful boys.” Sadie is counted as a boy again :P

I'm glad the mental fighting worked. I'll wait to see what you think of the actual physical fights. They tend to be rather strange, in my opinion, though it might just be me.

Repetition is both one of my biggest pet peeves and my biggest weaknesses, which probably isn't very fair. "Evilly" and "i.e." are things that show up too often in my stories when they shouldn't at all. Thanks for finding those, and let me know if you see them again.   

It’s ironic, that Sadie said “I’m sorry if the last chapter depressed you”, when this chapter depressed me more than that one did :P I think that’s because I relate more to Sadie. I want to give her a hug, :P I’m really curious about her family. I know you said that it won’t be until the sequel, but I’m curious already… xD Oh well, I’ll just have to wait. I was glad she figured out it was a dream, because I thought for a while she wasn’t going to and I was going, “Sadie, no!!! You’re smarter than this!” xD

The end made me feel sad too. Somebody needs to give Sadie a hug, so she knows she’s not alone. Still, even if Sadie does decide to try and defeat Amaatlik by herself, I’m sure she’ll probably be stopped by Jason or realise she needs Jason or something. And then they'll defeat Amaatlik using the Power of Friendship and all that :P Or maybe she'll decide not to go after him, and then Jason will convince her to defeat Amaatlik with him.

I thought it was a bit weird when Amaatlik went: “Some call me Kiltaama”. I mean, nobody’s ever called him that before, so for me it seemed random :P And again there were quite a few places where I feel like the sentences could be combined together. I mean, for me it just makes the emotion feel more real (I have no idea why :P) when the sentences are longer and sort of flow together. Sadie’s dream made me sad, but sometimes I found the short sentences a bit distracting. Sorry if I’m just weird.

Oh no. I thought it was understandable that Sadie didn't...Tell me if Sadie's role in the next chapter doesn't make sense. (I hope I'm not spoiling anything by saying that.)

Amaatlik's Kiltaama joke was to make him seem apathetic, because he was joking around in such a sad chapter. Glad the emotion worked, by the way.

Though I will make the sentences longer. It's strange, because in the book I'm writing right now all the sentences are the opposite; way to long. I think it's a matter of formality, where more less formal books have shorter sentences and vice versa. But I may be wrong. Either way I'll make those sentences longer if they're distracting, so thanks for pointing that out.

I’m suspicious of Noah because he thought of naming his sword Bob, but he settled on a different name so I suppose I can forgive him. Still, I’m curious how he’ll play a role in the future. Perhaps he’ll join their “team” at some point, or maybe he’ll be a villain (that would be a twist ;P). It’s interesting to see how Amaatlik’s powers have been effecting others too. At least, that’s what I’m assuming was happening as he said his men had been more aggressive lately :P Or maybe it’s something else, because of the purple stars thing, as I haven't heard of that before (at least, not in my memory, which is pretty bad, so...)

 Something I was a little confused about – A couple of times you seemed to say  Noah was falling on a brush, going through a brush… At first I thought it was just a typo for bush, but then it happened twice. Is that a language difference thing or is it just the same typo twice? :P

I found in the very first paragraph that birds/bird was said 4 times :P It was a bit repetitive. And Joseph spoke desperately a number of times :P Also, do they have Easter in this world? Noah mentioned the Easter bunny :3 Like the Jekyll and Hyde thing I don’t think it has to be taken out if you don’t want it to, but I thought I’d point it out in case you did.

In a way, I feel like introducing Noah at this point is a little anti-climatic. I feel like for the last few chapters you’ve been building up the tension really well, but this chapter just threw me off course. I don’t feel as if I enjoyed it as much as I would have if it was in another place – the stuff happening in the chapter wasn’t boring, but I’m more interested in Sadie and Jason and Amaatlik, so it was a bit tedious to read… I know it’s probably going to be important later on, in the sequel maybe, but it seemed out of place. Of course, that is just my opinion, and you probably intended it to be this way. So feel free to ignore it if you think this is the best place for it.

Oh and about the short/long sentences thing – I know what you mean about long sentences being for more formal writing and short sentences being more informal. I think most of the sentences are okay the length they are, because the story is often light-hearted and informal. It’s just during the more emotional bits that I think longer ones would be better, like in the last chapter. But I am biased because I like long sentences :P

Wow, you've been busy =) Thanks for all the comments! I looked at the chapter and I don't know what brush is. I think it's like shrubbery or something...Yeah, I'm just as confused as you are. And there were a lot of birds =P I'll make the bird thing less repetitive.

I thought the chapter would be more suspenseful the way it is, but obviously not =V Where do you think I should move it too, like in between what two chapters?

Sorry for the late reply. As for which two chapters… Hmm, well if you put it between chapter 24 and 25 then you could have some suspense about the dark shape before revealing it was Calvin, or perhaps between chapter 25 and 26 – either way the fight with Amaatlik will then be right after the two nightmare chapters, which is where the tension was the highest. Anyway, those are two spots I can think of, but you might think something else is better. But perhaps you should see how more people react to it – I mean, I might find it a bit out of place there but they might find it more suspenseful like you thought :P

And I don’t think your sexist, by the way. I’m sorry if I implied that, I didn’t mean to.

No, you weren't the only person who thought it was out of place. I want to change it. Thanks for the suggestion.

Sorry, I wasn't implying that you implied anything. I was talking about Bianca's character, and a reader's first impression of her - which you have yet to make =P

Skylos is back! I have to say, I wasn’t expecting that ;) Still, that was definitely the highlight of the fight against Amaatlik – something unexpected, and it definitely made the fight more exciting. I like how an event from earlier on becomes important to the final battle. At the time I thought it was a standalone scene, but now I see that it must have been planned carefully. I’m happy that Skylos is on their side, although I’m sure Sadie will probably be suspicious :P

I liked how you had Amaatlik’s story again. It was good to be reminded of it :P I was kind of sad that Amaatlik as a wand turned into a tree. For a while I thought he’d become kind of like Calvin was, which would be entertaining. But I suppose if he had stayed a wand that might be too dangerous – after all, he’d gain a lot of power that way. Still, I hope we haven’t seen the last of him, because he was a cool character. I’m curious about Jason’s powers. After all, he didn’t even know that spell, and just shouted a random word, but it worked. I really wonder why he’s so powerful, even though I know this probably won’t be revealed for a long time. Oh well, gives me a lot of time to speculate, which is fun :3

Aw, Xavier has parents… My theories are crushed! xD I was certain he was young Alex’s son… Oh well, it’s good for him that he found them :P

Anyway, the fight scenes were good (although brief). Some of the “action words” were a bit repetitive. You said attacked or attack quite a lot. And you used the word sword often – I like to substitute it for “blade” or “weapon” because I’ve had that problem too. I got told off for it once ;) Still, I enjoyed the scenes, because they were very different from the usual “final battle” scenes. I think they fit the tone of the story well, and there was humour throughout but it didn’t seem out of place or anything.

Perhaps one thing that did disappoint me is that Amaatlik seemed to be finished off rather easily – Jason didn’t even get injured! But, I think in a way this fits because Amaatlik’s forte is manipulating minds, and he’s not that physically menacing, really. But still, it might make the final fight a little more tense if there seemed to be higher stakes. Even in the sword fighting – if Jason is bad at using a sword, and Amaatlik is good or just better than him, I’d expect him to at least get a cut or something :P Of course, these are just suggestions, and the scenes were good.

And Sadie’s role does make sense. When I read it I just thought, “oh, I guess I was wrong. Sadie did believe the dream that Jason and the others are evil”. I reread that other chapter, and I’m embarrassed that I missed it, because it was pretty obvious :P I was tired, that must be it. Totally! xD Nah, I’m just stupid…

 One thing that did disappoint me though is that Sadie only made a very brief appearance. I had expected her to play more of a role in the climax (even if it was on the villain’s side). I don’t know, I feel like this has a bit of wasted potential – Sadie thinking they are all evil and fighting against them could have been really interesting to read. Maybe it’s just because she’s my favourite character, and I’m disappointed Jason got all the action ;) But I have a feeling this will probably be an important part of her character development in the sequel. I think she’ll be upset that Amaatlik managed to trick her, and she’ll be sad that Jason had to do it by himself without her help, even though they set off on the mission together.

Also, there was a line that confused me from the letter: In your nightmare you saw that Sadie was attacked by imps. This really did happen. But he is out there, and if you can find him, he will join you. Is this supposed to be referring to Sadie? I wasn’t sure, because they all said “he” but perhaps you missed the whole line when changing her gender because I don’t see who else it could be about :P Also, this quote which is referring to Sadie: “made him think we were evil.”

Oh, and I found another evilly: “He laughed evilly to himself”

I'm glad you liked having Amaatlik's story again. I was wondering whether repeating it was a good idea.

I'll make Jason get injured in the fight, and tell him it was your idea. He probably won't be very happy with that though. And sorry about all the repetition.

You're not stupid. I'm just really confusing. Sadie's position isn't that clear, especially in these chapters. Her inactivity is to make her stay jealous at Jason, because he has all that power and gets most of the attention.

I was surprised there wasn’t much mention about how Sadie had been tricked by Amaatlik into thinking that Jason and co. were evil. I mean, it almost seemed like she forgot about it. I’m sure it will be mentioned later on, but perhaps even a small mention in this chapter would be good.

As for the new setahr, I’m certain it’s Bianca ;) After all, she’s probably the one who wrote that letter, and she’s a sorceress too… And her brother was the setahr, so it fits that she’d want to take over for him. But she’s likely a ghost or something, so that could complicate things just a bit :P

Anyway, overall this was a good epilogue. It seemed very peaceful after the last few chapters, and it’s heart-warming to see how Draida’s citizens celebrated their victory. I was scared for a moment when no one was there (yeah, you got me ;P), but then they were so it was good. It felt like a good ending, the fighting was over and it was nice and peaceful, but there are still some questions left unanswered to keep me reading the series.

Now for the stuff about the story overall: I really enjoyed this story. The last ten chapters or so were especially good. I think you built the climax well (aside from that chapter with Noah, that seemed odd to me). Amaatlik was an interesting villain, and I liked how he influenced their minds and stuff instead of being physically strong, as it sets him apart from most villains. Overall I really enjoyed his character, and I hope it’s not completely over for him ;)

The other characters are good too. You did a good job in making Sadie and Jason distinct from each other, and they were both good characters in their own right. The secondary characters are mostly interesting too. I really like Skylos and Xavier best out of them, I hope they have larger roles in the sequel.

 Maybe someone I’d like to see have more of a role is Bianca, because she comes off as a bit of a designated love interest at the moment. This is because she doesn’t really have much of a role aside from being Jason’s crush, and to be honest his crush on her isn’t really that convincing. I don’t mean just because it’s love at first sight – I’m willing to accept that, but people keep saying Jason loves Bianca or whatever and he’ll blush a bit when she’s around but he doesn’t really mention her very often, although he did a few times in chapter 29. It's like, I'm being told that Jason has a crush on Bianca, but I'm really not being shown enough evidence. I know there isn't much romance in this story and that doesn't bother me or anything, but if it's meant to be a part of his motivation then I think it's important. But you said she has a larger role in the sequel, and I think she’s the new setahr, so hopefully this will be remedied then. I'm also looking forward to seeing her character aside from being Jason's love interest.

 About action and stuff – there isn’t much physical fighting, and I talked about the fight scene in my last comment in terms of what was good/bad about it. I don’t think you really need more action than you’ve got. I mean, Amaatlik’s mind games and stuff provides tension and is exciting even if there isn’t much physical fighting.

And finally, the plot. Overall, I think you had an interesting storyline. The twists were good, like Rex being good and Skylos appearing at the end. Sometimes I found it a little confusing, but that’s probably because I’m not that smart :P Plus there's lots of things I'm curious about - Jason's powers, Sadie's family, Bianca, Noah...

Anyway, I’m definitely excited for the sequel! Although, it’s not like I’ll have to wait long, because I’ll probably start it tomorrow. But until then, I’ll be excited for the sequel! xD Feel free to ask me anything, because I’m sure there’s things I’ve forgotten.

Haha, Jason and Co. Yeah, he should start his own company. When I edit the chapter I'll include something about Sadie's being brain-controlled (if that's a word). I figured she was extremely embarrassed about everything and didn't want to mention it.

I'm glad the end was heart-warming. Hopefully it wasn't so heart-warming that you got heart burn.

Calvin, Xavier, and Bianca were very important characters. Unfortunately they all die in the next book. It's called The Necromancer's Curse. No, I won't spoil anything for you. Sorry...I had to say that. Anyway, speaking of Bianca...You're right; I should mention her relationship with Jason more. Also, she's an odd character, and because I had more experience with writing when I developed her, she learns and changes throughout the story like all characters should (there's a lot of change from now on). So please don't call me sexist. You'll see what I'm talking about. I don't want to spoil it.

What do you mean, the sequel? You still have one chapter to read. Chapter 31. I'd get to it if I were you ;)

Dang, being a Mage entails some pretty cool powers. It's nice how you subtly weave these details in throughout the span of the story early on, instead of dumping them all on us or waiting until a vital point in the story to share this otherwise crucial information. You've explained Jason's reasoning behind turning down sorcery very well, but I can't think of why, really. You make it sound so cool.

Oh, the plot thickens. In the early stages of the story, I was a little curious to see where you'd take it, but I'm certainly getting a sense of what you want with your story now. I will admit, the switch from first to third person was a little confusing, but I understand why you did it. I just try to avoid POV switches, especially one from first to third person, when writing, but I think you executed it well enough.

These won't be the best reviews, I do apologize... I'm trying to read more so than critique right now.

Hmm, going to a stranger's house because he offered them tea and seemed nice? I assume they don't have "stranger danger" in their world. I understand the characters being young and grateful, but anyone with some common sense would be slightly cautious or suspicious of the hospitality. At least, well, because they're innocent-looking kids.

I understand now, why you had them go without much of a second thought. It was necessary to move the plot along. Sometimes certain things have to happen. I actually found the scene to be quite nice, and it's good someone will be teaching them spells. I'm also glad to see Jason warming up to the idea of magic. It's small, but good overall, character development, and you play it right.

I have a couple theories why he snapped Jason's wand, but no matter what his reason behind it was, I can guess Jason will be furious come the next chapter...

Thanks for the comments. Don't worry, I don't think that they're of bad quality. Maybe it will be easier as you read on, if that makes sense. Feel free to say whatever you like. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapters, and that it brings up some thoughts.

I see what you mean about the point of view, and the protagonists' lack of awareness. It was a little silly of them to do that. I'll see if I can work it better.

Thanks again for reviewing, I appreciate the time you put aside to do so.  

" What I just said didn't match what I told me. They couldn't be the same Alexes. " 
Sorry, I just noticed a little error. Did you mean 'he', or 'Jason'? And maybe instead of 'Alexes' just Alex would work. Whatever you feel for that one. (Besides me just being paranoid with corrections here) I'm really interested in this so far!

Oh...yeah xD Thanks for telling me, and for reading! Do you want to trade critiques, or are we just gonna read each other's stories? Which one of yours should I read?

Sure, of course!
Oh, right-- If you could check out Kingdom Shifters that would be great! We could do critiques if you want, though it may take me a bit to finish up this prologue/pre-book, and catch up with the other ones in this series of yours, if you'd want me to read it all for critiques. 

I just... I absolutely love this chapter. The kangaroos were the best plot twist for this kind of story, and I was literally smiling and shaking my head. I really like your style of writing/how you have Jason tell the story; It's very 'boyish', and 'sassy' I could say. x) 
I only found two mistakes that stuck out to me-- " A really wanted some light so I could see them. " Correct A to I. 

And-- ". . .Gosh, we were so freaking handsome too, I hope that mnster dies in a hole or something! " Just add an 'o' to that one. 

The magic was great in this chapter! However, I do feel like, when we learned about the spells and you described Jason and Sadie performing them, it was all telling, no showing. I wish we could have seen some more of what the spells did instead of simply being told. It's a great point in a story to utilize some descriptive abilities, especially as you're focusing on a key point in your story- magic. Also, a stronger imagery would suck the reader in more, and everyone already loves a good old spell.

It's great how no matter what, something's always happening in this story. It might not be a major event, but the plot or characters are developing regardless. In this chapter, both happened- we had action, magic, and development of both plot and character. Jason, at first, he had some habits that rubbed me the wrong way a little, but he's grown on me a lot. Sadie reminds me of Hermione in the sense she's a dedicated student, and gifted in her spells.

I'm guessing Rex is going to become a more primary character in the story now? I think it would be good, as he can help Sadie and Jason grow in their abilities. A mentor, if you will.

Thanks for the comment. I'm glad you enjoyed the magic, even though it could be more descriptive. I see what you mean by that.

I tried not to have any filler in the story, so it's good that it worked. Though at times parts of the plot seem loosely related, so that may be a concern. I'm also glad that Jason has grown on you.

Ah, Rex really will come in handy. I like how you show us just how much power sorcerers have in this world without really telling us- Rex has power over the pirates due to his magic, not just because of his position in society. It's a nice world building touch.

Also, for some reason, I can't see Sadie comfortable with voyaging with pirates, given her character, but that just might be the impression I've gained off her so far.

Once explained, the spell Rex used in the bar was wicked. The ploy of one's worst nightmare coming to life is not new, but I like how you've used it here. However, the sense of the sea serpent- I feel like that's some foreshadowing. I don't think even our three wizards would be able to battle off a slimey, watery, serpentine death.

Glad they were able to make it aboard. Now that they're traveling to new lands, we should see some new characters, new developments, and new settings arise. It's a fantasy setting, so what the characters discover could really be anything. You haven't told us anything much about the land so far, so the amount of intrigue is great. Keep up the good work.

Originality is sometimes a problem, especially when there's similarities to Harry Potter- which is completely coincidental because I never read/watched it. Please let me know if it seems like I'm copying, and I apologize if anything's really weird.

It's nice to know that you're liking the story, and I look forward to your future reviews.