Status: In Progress
Summary:
Created: September 16, 2013 | Updated: September 16, 2013
Genre : Fantasy
Language : English
Reviews: 0 | Rating:
Favorites: 2
Reads: 757
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So I'm a bit unsure how I feel about this story right now. I think the reason for this is that your first chapter does a good job of briefly introducing your world, but not enough in setting up what the potential conflict might be. In my opinion a good way to clear this up is to take a little more time on this Alpha Pair and what it means. You could introduce it earlier by having your main character think about for some reason (how nice it is to have her businesses without an alpha pair or something along those lines). Another reason for feeling a bit apathetic to the story is that I had no real connection to your main character. I actually thought it was a male character until the shop keeper/best friend called her big mamma. A bit of description of the main character would help this. Then, I might split up those two paragraphs where she's talking about her no tolerance party by putting one right after mentioning having a thief and having the other follow her friend telling her to fire that bitch. It felt too long and repetative to be right next to each other, but if you spread them out with a little dialogue I think it would work better and be a little more meaningful. Finally, I didn't understand that they were wolves until you talked about the Alpha Pair. I might start alluding to who and what these people are and how their society functions a little earlier on. It would help us flesh out your main character's character and understand the world a bit better. But the overall take away I hope you get from this is that this story is a decent skeleton so far but edit a bit, add some and take some other things away, and it could really be the full and vibrant tale that you want to tell.September 17, 2013 | D.M. Gergen
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Ok thanks I'll work on those things today hopefully and put the revised copy up soon. I appreciate the feed back.September 17, 2013 | Elizia Brittian
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Some of the paragraphs got super long, to start things out. I feel like sentences and words could have been shaved off to reduce size or have the entire hulk of it split to ease the eyes. That was pretty much the major physical issue I had with the story, otherwise it was nice. There's a few little things that could use some attention\editing. I really had no idea the main character was a female, or a werewolf, until it was stated. I appreciate that you are showing it instead of telling, but well, quite frankly, it would work better if you told. And the MC's name is a bit much, but as long as she keeps going by Trea I don't really have a problem with it. Also, I didn't get a mental image of any of the characters although I got a good image of what you were trying to describe on everything else, so good job. The characters however just felt like wisps of smoke in my mind. The writing is fluid and flows nicely- you're a good writer and this is a document with a lot of potential and it already has a fair amount, there's just a few things that need tweaking\editing to make it all the better. Hope this helped.September 17, 2013 | A . Nonymous
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Thank you for commenting. She is named after her Father Treamell but she usually goes by either "Taya" which most of her friends call her or "Kamadia" Which is what her mother calls her. As far as establishing that she was a female I thought I did that in the very first sentence with the name Taya, the "a" ending, but I see that I need to go back and revise that. As far as the wolves thing, I think that needs to be subtly hinted at not out right said in the story but I may go back and put that in the description/ summary. I will also go back and describe the characters appearances better. Thanks again.September 20, 2013 | Elizia Brittian
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Chapter: 1 Reply
Here are some editing pointers. 1. I would put commas in where you're using 'baby', much like if when they were speaking and said someone's name. So "Hey baby" would read "Hey, baby". 2. You have "Inn" capitalized...unless the name of the inn is Inn I wouldn't have it in caps. 3. With dialogue if you are using a speaking verb after (he said, she said) use a comma before the quotes. So "I already have one thief to handle at the Inn." I call - should read "I already have one thief to handle at the Inn," I call. Other than that I really didn't find any huge things in terms of format, grammar, or spelling. See my book comment for overall thoughts :)September 17, 2013 | D.M. Gergen
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Thank you! I greatly appreciate all of your advice. Let me know if you want a review as well.September 20, 2013 | Elizia Brittian
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Reviews in return are greatly welcomed though not a necessity.September 20, 2013 | D.M. Gergen
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Chapter: 1 Reply
I very much enjoyed this, especially the communal atmosphere, as I've always wished to live in that kind of society since I live out where there are hardly any people. Kamadia is such a beautiful and unique name! I love how she opened her business to get by and I also like how the currency is called "wax". Reading about her past was sad as my mom was like her mom for many years too so I can honestly sympathize with the characters. and I LOVE how Toni and Kamadia play around! That's so cute! I have a hunch that the people can turn into wolves? The characters are SO realistic! Your imagery and body-language flows very well and is very well-written. I hope that something bad doesn't disrupt Kamadia's mother's change of heart! or that something happens to Kamadia! Overall, fantastic writing! :DSeptember 20, 2013 | Lissy Popolow
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Thank you sooooo much! You don't know how much that lifted my spirits! I was beginning to get a tad worried so I appreciate the encouragement!September 20, 2013 | Elizia Brittian
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Chapter: 1 Reply
Hay there,
I thought I’d commented on this chapter once but I can’t find it in the comments? So in case I didn’t really review this chapter, I will give another brief outline of what I said.
I enjoyed the storyline; it is a good beginning and introduces your main characters well. There is just a hint that this is pack life I am reading about, it’s the right amount of mystery.
However, your paragraphs are huge! Think about cutting them down, there is a little repetition on the story line but not too much. So it’s not about getting rid of information, its about spreading it out into bite sizes instead of huge mouthfuls.
I am looking forward to the next chapter, so keep up the good work. Here’s a few things I do to help me.
- Read your own work out loud – even get someone to follow the words, often you will read what should be written not what is written.
- Read and re-read before posting, each time you do I bet there is at least one thing you find out of place, whether it be a missing comer or misspetl word due to a typo, it will be there. (Yes I did that on purpose)
- Get someone else to proof read for you. I’m lucky to have three daughters, two read the story line, and one checks my grammar and stuff.
- And last but most important, enjoy your own work. If you feel it getting you down, step away and have a rest, do something else, like read a different genre.
xXSXx
October 22, 2013 | S.D Stevens
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Thank you for commenting. On a few of your points, I don't like to re-read my work and my paragraphs appear large due to formatting changes from the original document. I know that not re-reading my work is like one of the 7 deadly sins but I really hate re-reading, which is why I hired an editor to do it for me! I like to get my ideas down quickly and keep moving forward. I helps me to keep up with the storyline better, if I back track I tend to loose focus and etc. She has not read my work yet so that's why it is rather unpolished. Either way, thank you for commenting, once again.
October 23, 2013 | Elizia Brittian
