Sparkatale

I only spotted one typo in this chapter: " but I was no delighted that I had not discovered the boy's name" when it should be "now". But don't worry - That was my bad! Glad to see this effort being launched - and I wait eagerly for the next chapter!

Wow, this is so well written!  This is almost as professional as published works in my opinion.  The picture seems so clear in my head and I can almost feel the emotion.  Really good job, I can't wait to read the rest of it.

The only error I found in it was this: "Watching him when we watched me right back."  It could be a sentence fragment (although it's perfectly fine in context), but the main issue was with the word "we".  I assumed you meant "he", but it's just a simple error, so no worries.

Thank you so much! I'm glad you've enjoyed what we've written so far! 

I'll be sure to go back and edit as soon as I can. We appreciate your comment, and hope that the further chapters impress you just the same! :)

I return the same compliments, and would like to say that that was my chapter, so I claim responsibility for the errors you found (Emi is much better!) I'll comment a novel of your own in the (very) near future!

Hm, a world separated by walls made of water and lava. It certainly is an interesting concept. The detailing of the world is wonderful, makes for quite the vivid pictures. The world must live in such a contrasted light. It was a well formed chapter, and I couldn't really spot any mistakes. The interaction between characters was great, the relationships created seemed realistic. The dialog at times seemed a bit stiff to me, but that's only a minor thing. Just the way they spoke seemed very 'tight collared'. 

I would have also liked to understand their culture a bit more. Is L'Slvre's father a lord of some kind? Are there other lords about? Just a bit more context in that respect would have been nice. Also, their names are quite difficult to pronounce.

Besides that, the writing was great. The details were vivid, and the world created an interesting premise. I'm interested to see where this is going.. 

Thank you very much for your comment! I'm honestly delighted that you raised those points. The world in which L'Slrve lives in was meant to draw inspiration from native American culture, but you raised an excellent point in adding more context about the world, and the need to clarify the Father's role. There are multiple tribes throughout the world, which are supposed to be unified under L'Slrve's father...perhaps a simple edit will rectify those slight errors. As for the names - they were also inspired by native American examples. If they were a serious stumbling block to the reader they may be changed. Thank you again for your comments, and we hope you continue reading!

Thanks for the comment, and the advice. It was very helpful. We've gone back to edit our work, and hope your points were corrected.

Concerning the dialog, the world created, and the culture it's based off is much different from our own. Our mannerisms wouldn't exactly coincide with what the characters were raised with. Just a little something to consider. :) 

Thanks again!  

I was slightly confused when first reading this. Is this taking place in the same land where L'Slvre lives, just in far off lands? Or are they on opposite sides of the walls?

The beginning was a bit slow paced for my liking with the whole mass bit, if possible I would suggest finding a way to 'spice' it up a bit. Just my opinion, of course, but I hope it's taken into account as it might help engage the readers more.

The religion you have going seems like a much darker version of Christianity&Catholisism. Is the Vicario de Dios supposed to be a representation of the Pope? If so, you did a  great job portraying it.

There weren't many errors I spotted but here are a few I took note of:

[Flame's]

[It was too large on me, it was clear that I was still in need of growing some] This seems like a repetitive sentence to me. The usage of 'it' at the start of the sentence and after the break really disrupted the flow as I read it. 

The description of the crown Ira wears seems better placed when he sees his reflection.

[I decided that the night we had decided our friendship was no longer worth saving.] This is another repetitive sentence.

There's also a part concerning the rumor of the dragon that resides within the wall. My suggestion would be to move that close to the part where Ira first stands near the wall. It just seems as though it gives away the ending, and you know what is coming after that. 

The description and emotion in this chapter was pretty well written. I would just keep an eye out for your sentence placement, and over use of one word per sentence to avoid that repetition. 

Well done. 

Thank you for continuing to comment!

L'Slvre and Ira do live on opposing sides of the wall, yes. Sorry if that was unclear to you. We'll have to brainstorm on how to make that more clear. I suppose the descriptions of the land they live on wasn't indication enough? :D

Apologies for the slow-going nature in the beginning, but that was slightly my intention. Catholic mass isn't usually full festivities, and is really 'to the book' when it comes to ceremonies from what I remember. I'm not sure how to spice it up, but I'll take a look see anyhow.

I'm glad you've put two and two together, and saw the connection to their religion and Catholicism. It's what I was going for :) And yes, the Vicario is supposed to be my version of the Pope.

I'll go back and edit, thanks for letting me know about the errors! I usually miss seeing them, so it's a big help. I'll also take into account your suggestion about where to place the rumour. You're right, it does slightly give away the ending.

Thanks again!

Okay, I am going to criticize my own chapter, if that's alright? I spotted some things which needed to be changed.

- For ~"No." I admitted truthfully, still hyperventilating from the event but forcing myself to keep my nerve. "I was saved at the last moment!" could you change the dialog of the last sentence to "We ran for shelter as soon as we saw it!" ?

- Could you please italicize "I lied for the sake of his pride. I know he would have wanted his father to praise him for his own efforts, but sometimes you must learn to appease some people in this world."

- When describing the Chieftain and his company from the sea-faring part of the world, I made a typo: "They looked at of place here"

- Could you please italicize "I'ghtskn - exiles"?

- I know I'm sounding annoying and repetitive, but please bare with me! Please Italicize "Y'Ko L'el L'Slrve"?

- For "More out roar" I forgot to join the words together, could you change to "Outcry"?

Did I also tell you that you are the best co-author?

I'll have all of these little errors and italics sorted out in my next chapter, and thank you very much for having the patience to edit this, I am entirely grateful dear!

 

Sorry, I missed some things! Part of that is due to my editing. Of course I'll go back and change it, and don't worry you don't sound repetitive at all. It must be done. :D

Huzzah for best co-authors, I return the compliments. :)