Sparkatale

Interesting work so far. This is an easy read, with lots of emotion in the introduction. I was a bit hesitant at first to read because the narrative in the beginning is first person, and that usually isn't my cup of tea. I'm glad that it was only just to describe the though process of, who I am assuming was Karid. That said, despite it being first person, it truly was captivatingly emotional. It made me empathetic towards the sheer desperation Karid must have been experiencing.

I noticed that there are quite a few commas placed that really seem to fracture and disrupt the flow of the chapter. 

Here are a few things I'd like to point out:

[But he forced himself to keep them open and looked blearily around the room. The room was large and airy] Ending a sentence and starting another sentence with the same phrase tends to make things sound a bit repetitive. 

[Yes, everything hurt, but why did everything hurt] This also comes off as repetitive. I understand Karid was confused as to why his body ached, but perhaps you could write it in a more eloquent way.

[He took in several shaky but deep breaths and managed to calm himself and found that the pain was also fading.] That's a bit of a mouthful. You use a lot of commas yet here, where it was needed you seemed to decide against it.

[It was a man, looking to be about 25 years, with a healers robe.] I would suggest writing out "Twenty-five" instead of just slapping on the number, as it tends to take away the authenticity building as the chapter progresses.

["That is to be expected." And poured out a glass of water from the mug on the table and carefully fed it to him.] 

["I can't remember." he said at last.]

I would simply suggest going back and taking a look at your sentence flow. The structuring was decent, it all just came off a bit choppy at times. A last tip I'd give when editing: try expanding your use of vernacular. I think simple is best, but at times a good word helps spicen up a good story when it comes to describing things.

The story itself is intriguing. I like when stories start off as a mystery. I'd like to know who Karid truly is, why he was poisoned, and who was the culprit?

Great start, I hope this helped.

Quite detailed, but not overwhelmingly so. Well written, and a smooth read. It did come off a bit slow-paced for my liking, if I'm being honest. But, all in all, still managed to enjoy. 

Keep it up. 

This was actually pretty entertaining to read. Stories like these usually don't fall under my wide umbrella of interests. This one, however, had me genuinely chuckling. 

You can tell Aria is completely heartbroken by her breakup, as she should be it was a terrible experience she had. Though it all comes off very comedic; her anger, her sadness, all emotions portrayed are so out there. Almost like a romantic comedy you'd watch on T.V. Although, it's hard to make a personal connection with Aria, as I am an older male, where as she is just a teenage girl. She still has very endearing characteristics. I think it's her attitude: "Even though I'm down, I'm not out."

Here are a few things that stood out to me while reading this:

[The waiter said and left, leaving by my lonesome again.] I think you meant "leaving me by my lonesome again." 

[I'm lactose Intolerant..] you've capitalized the "I" in intolerant. 

[Absolutely nothing like Gerar who was eighteen, currently an asshole, planning to take up Chemistry, and an excellent speaker of Chinese, English, and Butt kissing and someone I would love to punch right now.] This sentence seems a bit long winded, perhaps breaking the sentence down into smaller ones would make it seem less drawn out. She certainly has a way of complimenting Gerard while insulting him at the same time. A clear indicator she's not completely over him. I laughed each time she kept referring to him as Asian.

[A brave man, if you ask me. But Justine saw me staring at them and rushed to me, spilling the drinks Chuck was carrying. A complete waste of chocolate if you ask me.] This seems a bit repetitive to me. Using the phrase "If you ask me" twice disrupts the flow a bit.

All in all, there weren't many mistakes to point out. Your writing is simple, easy to read and very entertaining. You were able to feed out information without it coming out like "word vomit", and you managed to do it without boring me. Well done. 

The beginning was pretty dialog heavy. Despite that, I found it really didn't bother me all too much. In fact I couldn't get enough of Arthur. He seemed a very learned man.

There were a few mistakes I found:

["Having devoted my life to the study and always be digging up this or dusting off that"] It might be just me, but having the word "be" seems to create an awkwardness to the sentence. If anything I'd just remove the word.

["I'm surprised that tour guide had no idea who you were," explained Haley.] You've switched from present tense to past here.

["..there is more to those pyramids that what meets the eye.."] I think I'm just being picky, but "than what meets the eye" also comes across a bit awkward. I'd just say "than meets the eye" to make the sentence flow smoother. 

[as the two have made their way up towards the Great Sphinx.] Another switch in tenses.

[..the amount of intrigue, fascination, and amazement as does ancient Egypt.] "As ancient Egypt does" ? I think that sounds better.

The narrative, I found, was brilliant. To be honest, It felt as though I was reading an excerpt of a documentary. Keep in mind that I enjoy documentaries very much. You seem well versed in Egyptian history, meaning you've done your research. The premise is interesting, as I haven't really found many stories focusing on ancient Egypt. It's all mostly fantasy, not that there's anything wrong with that. It just tends to get stale after some time. That said, this story comes a breath of fresh air.

Your use of vernacular is astounding, I dare say you're up to par with any great novelist. You seem quite learned yourself.

The transition of past and present tense make the story a bit rocky at times, however, and might take away from some of the immersion created. Perhaps you could go back and see if there's a way to make the transition smoother?

Despite the minor errors, this story is definitely amongst the better I've read on this sire. 

Job well done, Ryan.

Oh, a time skip. I've always enjoyed those. It's a great way to portray how well or terrible characters have aged. However, I would suggest not simple writing out 'so-and-so years later' as it seems something you'd see more in a comic strip than an actual novel, it just doesn't fit. Perhaps subtly showing the change through the story instead.

The description of the prince was a bit much, it seemed more like a police profiling. Sometimes readers like leaving a few things to the imagination instead of having a long winded description shoved in their faces. At least, that's what I like. That said, the description in question was very vivid.

Here are a few things that I found:

[As a Prince, his duties had been all but completed and he was free to roam about, easily taking advantage of the freedom his parents often gave him as the crown Prince] This seems like the same sentence, only written differently.

[..and improve his superb archery, and most of his amazing swordsmanship. Practicing his archery..] slightly repetitive there. I think changing the listing of his practices to something more general, and then moving on to the next sentence would remedy that.

["God dammit, I missed again!"] This should be the start of a new paragraph.

[Young lady of 19] I'd suggest writing out the age instead of just slapping on the number. It sort of takes away from the authenticity you have going. 

The description of the nineteen year old girl was a bit much, similar to the prince. It seemed a bit more like profiling that reading a story.

[the girl, Sasha said with a pout.] I figured that she was a girl already.

["..doing the duties of an archer."] what do archers do exactly? I'm sure it's no an occupation all on its own. It's a bit of a vague job description. Guardsmen can be archers, soldiers, hunters. What did she mean?

["What would we do with all of this IF they did actually accept you into their ranks huh?"] I'm not certain if you meant to capitalize 'if', and if so I would suggest simply bolding or italicizing emphasized words instead. There should also be a comma between 'ranks' and 'huh'. 

[the Prince said in his soft British accent and chuckled.] Is it just the prince who has a British accent? If not, then I don't see the need in writing it out. There's also the face that there isn't actually a 'British accent' it's an umbrella term, and within it there are various accents. There is: Cockney, Geordie, Welsh, Scottish, and then some. Since this story does have a medieval setting to it, I naturally assumed he had one anyway. 

["It truly was, m'lord.." Is Dells of noble birth? Usually the use of 'm'lord' would be found amongst the common folk, not lords/nobles.

[All too soon, their moment of fund and cheerfulness vanished!] The exclamation point seems more comedic than what you seemed to be going for.

[Jasper, the Prince..] I would just rephrase that to 'prince Jasper' as we already know his title.

[Commander, scout the entire area with your men] This should be the start of a new sentence.

[The guard instantly dispersed throughout the training grounds in search for any and all intruders, weapons: axes, swords..]

[What in the name of Alchemy is attacking me out of nowhere..] The 'out of nowhere' part was already implied in the above description.

[There was another attack; this time, the Prince..] the semicolon has been misused. I would probably just not use it unless you know where to properly place it.

[Finally spotting the creature that was attacking him: a hideous human-like creature..] The use of the word 'creature' makes this a bit repetitive. Also, this would have been a good place to use the semicolon instead of a colon. 

Overall, your descriptions are very well written, although they can be a bit overwhelming at times. Your dialog flows much smoother this time around than your previous chapter. Your passion for this story really shines through, so that makes it more enjoyable to read. I also liked your action sequences, and I'm intrigued to see where this story will lead.

I hope this helped.

I was slightly confused when first reading this. Is this taking place in the same land where L'Slvre lives, just in far off lands? Or are they on opposite sides of the walls?

The beginning was a bit slow paced for my liking with the whole mass bit, if possible I would suggest finding a way to 'spice' it up a bit. Just my opinion, of course, but I hope it's taken into account as it might help engage the readers more.

The religion you have going seems like a much darker version of Christianity&Catholisism. Is the Vicario de Dios supposed to be a representation of the Pope? If so, you did a  great job portraying it.

There weren't many errors I spotted but here are a few I took note of:

[Flame's]

[It was too large on me, it was clear that I was still in need of growing some] This seems like a repetitive sentence to me. The usage of 'it' at the start of the sentence and after the break really disrupted the flow as I read it. 

The description of the crown Ira wears seems better placed when he sees his reflection.

[I decided that the night we had decided our friendship was no longer worth saving.] This is another repetitive sentence.

There's also a part concerning the rumor of the dragon that resides within the wall. My suggestion would be to move that close to the part where Ira first stands near the wall. It just seems as though it gives away the ending, and you know what is coming after that. 

The description and emotion in this chapter was pretty well written. I would just keep an eye out for your sentence placement, and over use of one word per sentence to avoid that repetition. 

Well done. 

The concept was interesting. I can tell you have the premise of something that could become a strong story. You seem to know what direction you're heading in with the novel, but there are a few things I'd like to address. Just some friendly advice. 

The story telling was decent, but there were times when the words you used could have been more colorful, just to liven up the story. 

["I allowed him to attack first, to counter his attack."] I know this was meant to sound strategic, but honestly the way you put it was so simple that it came across pretty flat. Maybe try something like "I gave him the courtesy of attacking first, calculating his movements, biding my time for a counter." That's not my best work, as I just whipped it up off the top of my head, but it does sound like the person fighting the demon seems like they know what they're doing more than the prior sentence written.

["Eh?!"] This came off a bit too cartoonish for me. It honestly seemed awkwardly placed, and I'd just suggest removing it all together. Writing "I gasped" seems more powerful, and doesn't take away from the heavy atmosphere created.

["I landed in his trap without even knowing!"] Seems more of a thought than a sentence in the story. If not, the phrasing could be changed to suit the paragraph better.

["CRUNCH"] and ["THOUSANDS OF YEARS LATER"] caps and italics is a bit awkward to read and look at, It kind of comes across too comical to take seriously. It's not exactly appealing to look at either, but it is attention grabbing if that's what you were going for.. Perhaps when thinking of a sound effect, a sentence describing it would be more suited than just writing the sound itself. And as for " THOUSANDS OF YEARS LATER" To be honest, I think first person just doesn't suit a story like this. It seems to come across as trying to be a classic fairytale., which would have been a wonderful way to read it. This could have been changed from how you wrote the POV, The opening could have been told in third person. Honestly, the beginning seems like it should have been its own chapter. The fighting could have been longer, and everything could have been written in finer detail. The opening could have been told in third person, a sort of history or a dream like sequence (though dreams are a bit cliche). And then, to transition through those thousands of years the book could have been closed, or the person dreaming awakened. Thus, changing the perspective to first person (If you're set on keeping that certain POV).

I will also say that when someone new is speaking, it should then be made into the start of a new paragraph. The same when someone different is thinking something. Just so people don't get confused on who's saying what.

["I found myself floating alone, once again facing the moon. Not yet. The voice lightly whispered. "Pastro!" Elyssa, my childhood friend, called out in disbelief; disrupting the quiet atmosphere.] Like in this paragraph you have it should actually look like this:

"I found myself floating alone, once again facing the moon.

Not yet, the voice lightly whispered.

"Pastro!" Elyssa, my childhood friend called out in disbelief, disrupting the quiet atmosphere."

["Without hesitation, I went back to drowning again"] This is also an awkward sentence. 

I suppose I'd just suggest some heavy editing. But everyone has a beginning when it comes to writing, this is just your stepping stone. Keep at it.

Hm, a world separated by walls made of water and lava. It certainly is an interesting concept. The detailing of the world is wonderful, makes for quite the vivid pictures. The world must live in such a contrasted light. It was a well formed chapter, and I couldn't really spot any mistakes. The interaction between characters was great, the relationships created seemed realistic. The dialog at times seemed a bit stiff to me, but that's only a minor thing. Just the way they spoke seemed very 'tight collared'. 

I would have also liked to understand their culture a bit more. Is L'Slvre's father a lord of some kind? Are there other lords about? Just a bit more context in that respect would have been nice. Also, their names are quite difficult to pronounce.

Besides that, the writing was great. The details were vivid, and the world created an interesting premise. I'm interested to see where this is going.. 

This is perhaps amongst the more finely written stories I've come across on this site. Very detailed, and filled with lots of emotion. You've really placed the readers in Lilith's shoes, I felt like all her emotions were conveyed beautifully. It was so strongly written, and detailed. There isn't much advice I can offer to such a finely written piece. Lovely job!

This was.. interesting. The presentation is honestly a bit off putting, but that's just my opinion. This seems more of a script than a novel. I would have liked more context to know what I was reading. There really was no details, so the immersion was almost non existent. And putting actions in asterisks seems a bit more like an internet/text conversations you'd have with friends for a bit of fun. So any seriousness you were going for (again, just my opinion) seems to fly out the window. As well as using all caps for yelling. It comes across more comedic. Perhaps bolding the letters instead would make it more authentic. 

Great concept. It is original, and seems well thought out. It's a simple read, and the chapters aren't so long to the point where it deters readers with shorter attention spans. It's also pretty amazing how much you can fit in so few words. I honestly have nothing bad to say about this, except that it is deserving of more attention. Great job!

Really great sense of fantasy here. A great opener as well. It almost felt like reading a classic fairytale. It was lovely, and made me feel slightly nostalgic for some reason. 

There were a few things I'd say about this though. At times the dialog felt a bit stiff, I know you were going for that 'olden day' sort of speech, but it just came off a bit rigid here and there. Not to the point where I was taken out of my immersion however. Perhaps try tweaking a few things here and there, just to make it flow a bit smoother? 

There was also a paragraph that came off a bit repetitive to me, that kind of threw me off. 

["Yay!" the child said in a gleeful tone as the man took out a large leather bound book, one that shimmered with magic and ethereal energy. Soon the man opened the book's pages and began to read to his child. The child only listened intently to the story and when it was done the child only yawned sleepily. "Daddy, did that really happen long ago?" the child asked, his voice soft and tired.] I've bolded it to show you where the repetitiveness comes in. Perhaps using different methods to describing "the child" would be better, just to mix it up a bit. I think we've understood by the first few that the boy is indeed a child. 

I enjoyed this very much, keep up the wonderful work.  

Lovely set-up. You're really good at writing details, I saw pretty much everything vividly. The gore, the intensity, it was all great and well put together. 

The only thing I would say (I'm nitpicking here) is that the final paragraph seemed quite long. Perhaps if you broke it up, it would be more aesthetically pleasing, instead of being faced with a wall of text. It's not a major issue, it's just something to consider. 

Great read so far, really enjoyed it!