Sparkatale

I really like the name of Alex's lion, Snow King. It reminded me of the beautiful picture of the lion at the beginning of your story (and The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, a book that also features Otherworldly beings!).

Also, I had heard of "OCD" (obsessive compulsive disorder, an anxiety disorder) but had never heard of "OCPD".  I looked it up and found out that it stands for "obsessive compulsive personality disorder" and it's similar to OCD but not exactly the same thing because it's not an anxiety disorder.  I always like learning something new, and reading the chapter helped me to do that.  

I'm very much enjoying the humor in the story, as well.   

You discuss some very important issues in this chapter, through Skylar and the Otherworld characters.  The Otherworlders must find the Human world insane, with all its hatred and racism!  It was especially poignant when Skylar speaks about Martin Luther King and expresses how racism affects him emotionally.  

Excellent job on this chapter! 

The idea of the Nymph is very interesting, as I think that they were very prominent beings in Greek mythology--and having her bring a supersonic guitar as a weapon adds a modern twist to the old myths (I seem to remember that the Nymphs were very much associated with music as well as water?).  

The suspense has been building well from the last couple of chapters and this chapter is very active and exciting. 

Wow, the Playa is one very frightening character! I really hope he gets completely out of his mind-controlled state.

This is a very important chapter because it speaks about the injustices that have surrounded rape (for both women and men), and although this a subject that is often avoided by many writers, you talk about it in a very fearless and straight-forward way.  

One thing that I was thinking as I read the chapter was that if the Playa was from a society which enforced the death penalty for rape, then it would be considered a crime by them rather than merely a taboo.

I looked up the word taboo and it is defined as something "prohibited or restricted by social custom" and so it's not the same thing as an actual law.  Because rape is such a serious topic, I felt like the Playa society should call it out as a crime rather than just as a taboo. 

Overall, the chapter moves the action along well; and it also causes me to anticipate what other beings are going to arrive!      

These are some really interesting beings that you're creating; and the magic is very smart and powerful.  I had never heard of "aquakinesis" before and just looked it up.  Amazing!

Hi, N.R.,

Thanks so much for reading my story and sharing your own dream-story about the monsters!  I think it's true, that kids experience dreams or dream-like experiences much more vividly than adults.  Noises can be much more amplified and frightening in the darkness, as well.  I can also remember, as a kid, feeling terrified of a bat-creature which seemed to fly right at me out of the darkness. I just lay stock-still all night, and I never knew whether it was a real bat or a dream-bat. 

 

Hi, Anabel,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment on my story, "Visions of a Newspaper". I am always excited when I receive a comment or suggestion and very much appreciate the feedback. It's important to know how a reader experiences the story.

  I first wrote this story as a teenager about thirty-five years ago and kept it in a box along with all my other stories as I was unsure of what to do with it at that time. I then re-wrote and fixed it up just a few years ago after I learned how to post stories on fiction sites like Spark-A-Tale. It's wonderful that writers have this option now! 

Thanks again for the feedback and all the best on your own story.  I enjoy reading it!    

Beast really develops well in this chapter.  It's interesting that he's showing a more vulnerable side to his partner.  I also love the name for the Ampman, and that he also lives in a marsh--very appropriate for an amphibian!  

The story moves well in this chapter, with lots of action and even a few answers to the mystery of the secret books.  Great job!  

Great chapter! I like the character of Bog, and that he has turned from being the nameless enemy into the kids' friend.  

Chapter One reads so much more smoothly after the changes that you made and the characters are clearer and more distinct. Excellent work!

I really liked this story--it moved along well and kept me wanting to read more to find out what the UFO was going to be, real or imagined. I also liked the irony of the aliens at the end being more like the inferior humans than they realized. I am very interested in UFOs and so this was enjoyable to read. Excellent work!

The excitement really builds well in this chapter!

The suspense is well built in this chapter. The amphibian being is a big surprise for the reader as well as for Leah!

The character of Robbie is well established in this chapter, as we learn more about his feelings about being at the mansion and his desire to find out more about the secret rooms. Skylar is also a very interesting character. Is there a way that he can use his vast knowledge of different cultures and peoples later on in the story? I also like the character of Beast--he's quite the curmudgeon. Great job at characterization! The chapter also encourages the reader to keep reading to discover what will be behind the locks that Robbie will learn to pick. Excellent ending for the second chapter.

Great first chapter! The mansion has many inhabitants and it sets up the mystery of the place well.  The reader will want to know the answers to the questions that the kids are asking, such as why they are prohibited from reading certain books or entering their grandfather's study. I found that I wanted to read more to find out what will happen. I loved the characters and wanted to know a little bit more about how Alex felt about them or how she perceived them.  From the reader's perspective, there are a lot of different characters to get to know and it can get confusing if they're all introduced in the beginning chapter.     

If I may offer a constructive suggestion, I would say that it might be helpful to focus primarily on Alex and Robbie in the beginning chapter, since they are the main characters and need to be given the greatest amount of attention so that they stand out firmly in the reader's mind.  The others might be introduced through Alex's or Robbie's point of view, but perhaps more slowly over the span of a few chapters  so that the reader gets to know them better?  

One more observation is that the chapter begins from Alex's point of view but  the story moves away from Alex after she goes into her intense fear reaction.  As a reader, I had become identified with Alex by then and needed the consistency of staying with Alex's thoughts so that I knew what was going on within her at that moment.  I have found that, when I'm writing a story with lots of different characters, it's best to stick to only one (or a maximum of two) points of view.  Perhaps Robbie and Alex could find out what happened with Ivan and the explosion in the next chapter, to build suspense? 

These are just a few thoughts that I wanted to share with you after reading the first chapter, but they are only suggestions from one reader so you may or may not find them helpful. 

I encourage you to continue writing and working on the story as it is very  imaginative and sets the stage for an exciting narrative.  Write on!               

I found the use of a daily diary or news report very interesting as a way of telling the story.  I also felt that the suspense was well built as the conditions on Earth worsen with each of Luna Brown's entries.  There were many unanswered questions at the end of the chapter, which I think keeps the reader wanting to hear more about the mystery.  Overall, an excellent chapter, and I encourage you to develop the story further.