Status: In Progress
Summary:
Created: March 21, 2018 | Updated: January 20, 2022
Genre : Fantasy
Language : English
Reviews: 0 | Rating:
Favorites: 1
Reads: 22065
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1: | Chapter 1 | 2250 |
2: | Chapter 2 | 1884 |
3: | Chapter 3 | 1881 |
4: | Chapter 4 | 1859 |
5: | Chapter 5 | 1955 |
6: | Chapter 6 | 2431 |
7: | Chapter 7 | 2225 |
8: | Chapter 8 | 2766 |
9: | Chapter 9 | 1878 |
10: | Chapter 10 | 1993 |
11: | Chapter 11 | 1880 |
12: | Chapter 12 | 1778 |
13: | Chapter 13 | 1808 |
14: | Chapter 14 | 2057 |
15: | Chapter 15 | 1734 |
16: | Chapter 16 | 1793 |
17: | Chapter 17 | 1366 |
18: | Chapter 18 | 1754 |
19: | Chapter 19 | 1764 |
20: | Chapter 20 | 1968 |
21: | Chapter 21 | 2792 |
22: | Chapter 22 | 1800 |
23: | Chapter 23 | 1599 |
24: | Chapter 24 | 1722 |
25: | Chapter 25 | 1505 |
26: | Chapter 26 | 1881 |
27: | Chapter 27 | 1720 |
28: | Chapter 28 | 1875 |
29: | Chapter 29 | 1791 |
30: | Chapter 30 | 1636 |
31: | Chapter 31 | 1404 |
32: | Chapter 32 | 1230 |
33: | Chapter 33 | 1451 |
34: | Chapter 34 | 1521 |
35: | Chapter 35 | 1726 |
36: | Chapter 36 | 1608 |
37: | Chapter 37 | 1607 |
38: | Chapter 38 | 1367 |
39: | Chapter 39 | 1377 |
40: | Chapter 40 | 1669 |
41: | Chapter 41 | 1594 |
42: | Chapter 42 | 1491 |
43: | Chapter 43 | 1628 |
44: | Chapter 44 | 1837 |
45: | Chapter 45 | 1801 |
46: | Chapter 46 | 1581 |
47: | Chapter 47 | 1453 |
48: | Chapter 48 | 1424 |
49: | Chapter 49 | 1374 |
50: | Chapter 50 | 1465 |
51: | Chapter 51 | 1231 |
52: | Chapter 52 | 1129 |
53: | Chapter 53 | 1691 |
54: | Chapter 54 | 1414 |
55: | Chapter 55 | 1463 |
56: | Chapter 56 | 1560 |
57: | Chapter 57 | 1521 |
58: | Chapter 58 | 1890 |
59: | Chapter 59 | 2042 |
60: | Chapter 60 | 1410 |
61: | Chapter 61 | 1692 |
62: | Chapter 62 | 1577 |
63: | Chapter 63 | 1332 |
64: | Chapter 64 | 1292 |
65: | Chapter 65 | 1399 |
66: | Chapter 66 | 1485 |
67: | Chapter 67 | 1595 |
68: | Chapter 68 | 1555 |
69: | Chapter 69 | 1616 |
70: | Chapter 70 | 1431 |
71: | Chapter 71 | 1541 |
72: | Chapter 72 | 1569 |
73: | Chapter 73 | 1678 |
74: | Chapter 74 | 1693 |
75: | Chapter 75 | 1814 |
76: | Chapter 76 | 1720 |
77: | Chapter 77 | 1748 |
78: | Chapter 78 | 1545 |
79: | Chapter 79 | 1673 |
80: | Chapter 80 | 1933 |
81: | Chapter 81 | 1769 |
82: | Chapter 82 | 1170 |
83: | Chapter 83 | 1893 |
84: | Chapter 84 | 1640 |
85: | Chater 85 | 1701 |
86: | Chapter 86 | 1856 |
87: | Chapter 87 | 1680 |
88: | Chapter 88 | 1428 |
89: | Chapter 89 | 1975 |
90: | Chapter 90 | 1849 |
91: | Chapter 91 | 1966 |
92: | Chapter 92 | 1920 |
93: | Chapter 93 | 1833 |
94: | Chapter 94 | 1789 |
95: | Chapter 95 | 1592 |
96: | Chapter 96 | 1741 |
97: | Chapter 97 | 1487 |
98: | Chapter 98 | 1487 |
99: | Chapter 99 | 1708 |
100: | Chapter 100 | 1531 |
101: | Chapter 101 | 1599 |
102: | Chapter 102 | 1625 |
103: | Chapter 103 | 1726 |
104: | Chapter 104 | 1609 |
105: | Chapter 105 | 1587 |
106: | Chapter 106 | 1487 |
107: | Chapter 107 | 1734 |
108: | Chapter 108 | 1739 |
109: | Chapter 109 | 1717 |
110: | Chapter 110 | 1657 |
111: | Chapter 111 | 1751 |
112: | Chapter 112 | 1735 |
113: | Chapter 113 | 1748 |
114: | Chapter 114 | 1773 |
115: | Chapter 115 | 1728 |
116: | Chapter 116 | 1308 |
117: | Chapter 117 | 1937 |
118: | Chapter 118 | 1886 |
119: | Chapter 119 | 1655 |
120: | Chapter 120 | 1555 |
121: | Chapter 121 | 1704 |
122: | Chapter 122 | 1765 |
123: | Chapter 123 | 1949 |
124: | Chapter 124 | 2006 |
125: | Chapter 125 | 1848 |
126: | Chapter 126 | 1682 |
Total Wordcount: | 213717 |
Reviews (0)
Comments / Critiques
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Chapter: 1 Reply
Great first chapter! The mansion has many inhabitants and it sets up the mystery of the place well. The reader will want to know the answers to the questions that the kids are asking, such as why they are prohibited from reading certain books or entering their grandfather's study. I found that I wanted to read more to find out what will happen. I loved the characters and wanted to know a little bit more about how Alex felt about them or how she perceived them. From the reader's perspective, there are a lot of different characters to get to know and it can get confusing if they're all introduced in the beginning chapter.
If I may offer a constructive suggestion, I would say that it might be helpful to focus primarily on Alex and Robbie in the beginning chapter, since they are the main characters and need to be given the greatest amount of attention so that they stand out firmly in the reader's mind. The others might be introduced through Alex's or Robbie's point of view, but perhaps more slowly over the span of a few chapters so that the reader gets to know them better?
One more observation is that the chapter begins from Alex's point of view but the story moves away from Alex after she goes into her intense fear reaction. As a reader, I had become identified with Alex by then and needed the consistency of staying with Alex's thoughts so that I knew what was going on within her at that moment. I have found that, when I'm writing a story with lots of different characters, it's best to stick to only one (or a maximum of two) points of view. Perhaps Robbie and Alex could find out what happened with Ivan and the explosion in the next chapter, to build suspense?
These are just a few thoughts that I wanted to share with you after reading the first chapter, but they are only suggestions from one reader so you may or may not find them helpful.
I encourage you to continue writing and working on the story as it is very imaginative and sets the stage for an exciting narrative. Write on!
May 2, 2018 | Paula Grover
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Chapter: 2 Reply
The character of Robbie is well established in this chapter, as we learn more about his feelings about being at the mansion and his desire to find out more about the secret rooms. Skylar is also a very interesting character. Is there a way that he can use his vast knowledge of different cultures and peoples later on in the story? I also like the character of Beast--he's quite the curmudgeon. Great job at characterization! The chapter also encourages the reader to keep reading to discover what will be behind the locks that Robbie will learn to pick. Excellent ending for the second chapter.May 2, 2018 | Paula Grover
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Chapter: 3 Reply
The suspense is well built in this chapter. The amphibian being is a big surprise for the reader as well as for Leah!May 2, 2018 | Paula Grover
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Chapter: 7 Reply
Great chapter! I like the character of Bog, and that he has turned from being the nameless enemy into the kids' friend.
May 8, 2018 | Paula Grover
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Chapter: 5 Reply
The story moves well in this chapter, with lots of action and even a few answers to the mystery of the secret books. Great job!
May 8, 2018 | Paula Grover
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Chapter: 6 Reply
Beast really develops well in this chapter. It's interesting that he's showing a more vulnerable side to his partner. I also love the name for the Ampman, and that he also lives in a marsh--very appropriate for an amphibian!
May 8, 2018 | Paula Grover
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Chapter: 8 Reply
These are some really interesting beings that you're creating; and the magic is very smart and powerful. I had never heard of "aquakinesis" before and just looked it up. Amazing!
May 16, 2018 | Paula Grover
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Chapter: 11 Reply
Wow, the Playa is one very frightening character! I really hope he gets completely out of his mind-controlled state.
This is a very important chapter because it speaks about the injustices that have surrounded rape (for both women and men), and although this a subject that is often avoided by many writers, you talk about it in a very fearless and straight-forward way.
One thing that I was thinking as I read the chapter was that if the Playa was from a society which enforced the death penalty for rape, then it would be considered a crime by them rather than merely a taboo.
I looked up the word taboo and it is defined as something "prohibited or restricted by social custom" and so it's not the same thing as an actual law. Because rape is such a serious topic, I felt like the Playa society should call it out as a crime rather than just as a taboo.
Overall, the chapter moves the action along well; and it also causes me to anticipate what other beings are going to arrive!
May 21, 2018 | Paula Grover
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Chapter: 18 Reply
The idea of the Nymph is very interesting, as I think that they were very prominent beings in Greek mythology--and having her bring a supersonic guitar as a weapon adds a modern twist to the old myths (I seem to remember that the Nymphs were very much associated with music as well as water?).
The suspense has been building well from the last couple of chapters and this chapter is very active and exciting.
June 18, 2018 | Paula Grover
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Chapter: 21 Reply
You discuss some very important issues in this chapter, through Skylar and the Otherworld characters. The Otherworlders must find the Human world insane, with all its hatred and racism! It was especially poignant when Skylar speaks about Martin Luther King and expresses how racism affects him emotionally.
Excellent job on this chapter!
June 18, 2018 | Paula Grover
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Chapter: 20 Reply
I really like the name of Alex's lion, Snow King. It reminded me of the beautiful picture of the lion at the beginning of your story (and The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, a book that also features Otherworldly beings!).
Also, I had heard of "OCD" (obsessive compulsive disorder, an anxiety disorder) but had never heard of "OCPD". I looked it up and found out that it stands for "obsessive compulsive personality disorder" and it's similar to OCD but not exactly the same thing because it's not an anxiety disorder. I always like learning something new, and reading the chapter helped me to do that.
I'm very much enjoying the humor in the story, as well.
June 18, 2018 | Paula Grover