Sparkatale

So the writing in this was very choppy and sort of abrupt. It was also kind of childish. I don't know if the childishness is the style it's meant to written in or not. It could have benefitted with some more description and few added scenes to make the story flow better. Also maybe like the decription of the Beast Tamer, you could probably put it when we now meet him. Also a blue moon does not happen one night after the other. It happens further apart than that, like about a week apart. In regard to Argent's gun, silver is too soft to make a gun out of. Silver bullets are likewise impractical. As far as I know, werewolves generally have some sort of enhanced healing, yours could not, but I still think they would survive a jump off the cliff. I find it a little hard to think they would jump off the cliff however. You also decribed your werewolves as standing on two feet, but then went on to say it was seven feet tall and nine feet long, and I can't understand how that works out if the werewolf stands upright. If it goes on four legs though, and I missed that, then it would work. I hope this helps.

This was a nice read. Very interesting.

Nice. Very nice. I liked it. Cool how you did it with the parents and the sister. 

I loved this! It was well written and you expressed yourself nicely.

Good Chapter! A couple of mistakes here and there that I saw but nothing that editing won't catch.

This is going pretty well. Well done on how you're playing it out. 

The ending totally got me. Didn't expect the POV to be a non-human. Didn't expect the invaders to be human.

Okay I'm just going to comment my thoughts here:

3 miles out- Too far. That's almost twice as far as the record for distance kill.

Ria seems more interested in promotion than actually doing her job for doing her job's sake.

Interesting beginning though.

 

Alright like the last time I'm just commenting my thoughts here and pointing out any errors I notice.

Grammar/ Spelling Errors:

"Yeah, yeah, I failed because I let the guy have a conscience?" - something is bugging me about this sentence because I think it should either be a question or a statement and the way it is now seems like it is both. Maybe: "Yeah, yeah. I failed because I let the guy have a conscience?" Because I think it gets the point across better but that's just my opinion.

"it 'is' a failure because he had morals he was unwilling to compromise."

"​it was awkwardly 'quiet'"- not 'quite' 

 

Random Plot things or My thoughts on stuff.

 

-Ria started at sixteen? I think that is too young,even if her parents have been involved.No government agency would take on any agent that young. Unofficial training? Probably and that's fine. But she couldn't have been in the field. 

-"Their distant, cold eyes suggested they knew how to use them"- this bugged me because that description really wouldn't tell you that. Maybe the way they held themselves would be better. Or maybe  you have described the way their eyes tracked across the room or the people in it, marking out the weapons ect. With that you could assume the have the necessary training to use the guns they wear.   

-For high class agents they are really unprofessional. Especially in an organization of liars and killers, you'd think they'd learn to mask their feelings better, or find a less juvenile way to express them.

-I still don't know why they put her in charge of the Unbreakable. So what if she has excellent scores? Every field agent above her should have above or equal skill. Even if their skill level is just below, it shouldn't hamper them from training the Unbreakable. Years of experience will also go a long way.Why put someone who is a junior agent, who is rather cocky ( in my opinion), in charge of something very important? I feel as if some more reason should be put in there.

-Your Unbreakable seems like a strange mix between child and man and I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not. I guess we'll have to see as the story progresses. Also your guy volunteered to be a living weapon to an agency of liars and murders, who are essentially wiping his brain, and didn't think that one day there'd be collateral damage? Did he know what they were going to do with him though? Because that would make things slightly different.

-Ria seems to need some self control, she gets riled or angry easily and if she has been in the agency from sixteen then she should have learned some form of self discipline by now, especially if she is as good in martial arts as you say she is as martial arts requires discipline. She also does seem cocky as mentioned earlier. 

 

Writing:

As far as I see your writing itself is good. I'm not the best judge but there was nothing really glaring out at me except the stuff mentioned earlier. It's a great concept for the story but I think maybe it needs some more fleshing out. As this is just the seconds chapter though, I understand that that can come later on so that some f the stuff that seem plot hole-ish, or poorly thought out, now, aren't.

So good luck on the rest of th e chapters. I do want to see what happened with Ria to get her to be considered a traitor by the agency. By the way does the agency have a name? 

 

Thanks for the comment and for pointing out all the stuff you pointed out. I'm glad you liked it!

Okay this sounds pretty cool. It's a little bit vague maybe.But altogether sounds like an interesting idea. I would like to see where the story is going.

Okay, first of all, thanks for critiquing. I really do appreciate it. 

As for the spacing, sparkatale was doing strange things while I tried to space the story. I kept getting extra spaces for some stuff. 

And well, spell check really doesn't get everything. I'll have to look it over. 

 

Answering plot questions:

Nope, there was no reason that Yoread gave that name. Didn't really think about having a reason, because frankly if I had to name someone I would just pull a random name out of somewhere. Perhaps he just thought Karid looked like a Nivarn. 

 

As for referring to Karid as Nivarn in dialog, well it because the people speaking to him only knows him as Nivarn. In fact he only knows himself as Nivarn. However as this is a sequel book instead of the first book, it is probably best to call him by the name readers would have known him as.

 

Characterization:

Before I answer for Irana, I'd like if you pointed out those parts that you thought contradicted her image.

Yoraed: Now that you mention it, he really doesn't have a lot of flaws.But then he is by nature an easy going guy. Nature meaning sort of in more ways than one. He is a healer and he is a person who has been trained to be the crown prince of his kingdom. But if you meant that you wanted him to be a little more human you'll see some of it in later chapters. 

Karid: I know he seems a little too perfect but here's something to know about this guy: he's literally trained to be as perfect as possible. It certainly doesn't mean he is without faults. He has 'em, but he is better at hiding them, and well, trained to deal with 'em too. However you'll see some of it, showing up in later chapters once more. 

As for him not being anxious to regain his memory, Karid is, I think, someone who takes things in stride and is pretty practical. If he can't remeber yet, he isn't going to fight it. When he does remeber something though, he does try to hold on to it.

By the way, one question for you, I know there isn't a lot of clues, (actually 1 and 1/2 clues) but have you figured out that Yoraed isn't exactly normal?

I think I am in love with the informant already. He is such a cold, cruel bastard and yet, he isn't. Would love to read more of him.