Sparkatale

And This Is Before 9am!

One day last week I woke up for work

Had a smoke then got out of bed

I struggled putting my slippers on

And fell with a crunch on my head

I made my way down for my toast

Still feeling bleary-eyed

The weather was cold, windy and wet

I was dreading going outside

I made myself a piece of toast

But dropped it on the floor

I bent down to retrieve it

Whacking my head on an open drawer

‘For fuck’s sake,’ I said, rubbing my bonce

Then I made a nice cup of tea

I felt warmth on my leg, so slowly looked down

To see my little dog having a wee

He must’ve sensed my anger, I think

As most dogs often do

I chased him across the kitchen

And slipped arse-over-tit on his poo

So there I was, covered in crap

With two lumps on my head

I struggled up slowly off the floor

Now with fear for the day ahead

I went upstairs to take a shower

To wake up and not feel zonked

I soaped myself from head-to-toe

Then the bleedin’ leccy conked

Soapy all over, I made my way down

To press the emergency credit

My dog yapped and barked and wouldn’t shut up

Until I opened a tin and fed it

Because of the suds, I slipped once again

Landing naked on top of the dog

Then I heard the door go and my wife walked in

From her nightshift hospital job

She shrieked and screamed at the sight of me

Getting ‘down to it’ with our pet

She wasn’t annoyed, just jealous, and said

‘You’ve never done it that way with me yet!’

My wife stormed out, the dog trembled with fear

I went up to finish my shower

I scrubbed and scrubbed to get the dog smell off

It took me half an hour

Finally I was dressed and ready to go

I started up my car

The radio came on and the DJ said

‘Bank Holiday Monday, Hoorah!’