Sparkatale

Hey i havn't even started reading yet but i just wanted to say that  your cover art is badass

Hey i started reading your story on fiction press and then found it on here, this sounds really exciting, and the only thing im not happy with is theres no more for me to read! keep going i wanna read mooore. :)

• You started off with a quote from my favorite historical general. For that alone, you get a bonus point. (+1)
• Truth be told, this chapter doesn't look as if it has been proofread. There are a lot of minor errors here and there. Nothing too bad, but they're noticeable. I'm willing to proofread it and point out exact errors if you're willing to allow me to do so. (-1)
• You actually managed to do the in medias res RIGHT. You'd be surprised how many people get it horribly wrong. (+1)
• Ria Mathews is an interesting protagonist at the moment. I feel like it's too early for me to decide whether I like her or not. So far, I can see that she sticks to her guns no matter what and I'm impressed by that. However, at the same time she is more than just a little cocky and she seems to be rather brash. The fact that I can like and dislike Ria at the same time means that you did a good job at giving her a human personality. So you get props for that. (+1)
•  It's too early for me to be sure, but I'm getting the distinct feeling that the intricacies of combat are going to be glossed over in favor of bias towards swiftness and accuracy. In my opinion, combat is more about advantages and disadvantages than any of your attributes. It doesn't matter how fast and accurate you are if you aren't strong enough to overcome your opponent's defenses and it doesn't matter how strong you are if you aren't fast enough to actually hit your opponent. Combat isn't about being good at one thing than it is about using your advantages and keeping your opponent from using theirs. Please keep this in memory. (-1)
• All in all, 3/5

Hey! Thank you for the review! I'll definitely take a look at the things you pointed out and see how I can best fix them. By all means, if you feel like going through with a fine tuner and pointing out any grammar mistakes, I'd be more than pleased! I find that I often miss so many while editing my own work. 

Anyway, thank you for reading the first few chapters here! 

-Happy

Alright like the last time I'm just commenting my thoughts here and pointing out any errors I notice.

Grammar/ Spelling Errors:

"Yeah, yeah, I failed because I let the guy have a conscience?" - something is bugging me about this sentence because I think it should either be a question or a statement and the way it is now seems like it is both. Maybe: "Yeah, yeah. I failed because I let the guy have a conscience?" Because I think it gets the point across better but that's just my opinion.

"it 'is' a failure because he had morals he was unwilling to compromise."

"​it was awkwardly 'quiet'"- not 'quite' 

Random Plot things or My thoughts on stuff.

-Ria started at sixteen? I think that is too young,even if her parents have been involved.No government agency would take on any agent that young. Unofficial training? Probably and that's fine. But she couldn't have been in the field. 

-"Their distant, cold eyes suggested they knew how to use them"- this bugged me because that description really wouldn't tell you that. Maybe the way they held themselves would be better. Or maybe  you have described the way their eyes tracked across the room or the people in it, marking out the weapons ect. With that you could assume the have the necessary training to use the guns they wear.   

-For high class agents they are really unprofessional. Especially in an organization of liars and killers, you'd think they'd learn to mask their feelings better, or find a less juvenile way to express them.

-I still don't know why they put her in charge of the Unbreakable. So what if she has excellent scores? Every field agent above her should have above or equal skill. Even if their skill level is just below, it shouldn't hamper them from training the Unbreakable. Years of experience will also go a long way.Why put someone who is a junior agent, who is rather cocky ( in my opinion), in charge of something very important? I feel as if some more reason should be put in there.

-Your Unbreakable seems like a strange mix between child and man and I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not. I guess we'll have to see as the story progresses. Also your guy volunteered to be a living weapon to an agency of liars and murders, who are essentially wiping his brain, and didn't think that one day there'd be collateral damage? Did he know what they were going to do with him though? Because that would make things slightly different.

-Ria seems to need some self control, she gets riled or angry easily and if she has been in the agency from sixteen then she should have learned some form of self discipline by now, especially if she is as good in martial arts as you say she is as martial arts requires discipline. She also does seem cocky as mentioned earlier. 

Writing:

As far as I see your writing itself is good. I'm not the best judge but there was nothing really glaring out at me except the stuff mentioned earlier. It's a great concept for the story but I think maybe it needs some more fleshing out. As this is just the seconds chapter though, I understand that that can come later on so that some f the stuff that seem plot hole-ish, or poorly thought out, now, aren't.

So good luck on the rest of th e chapters. I do want to see what happened with Ria to get her to be considered a traitor by the agency. By the way does the agency have a name? 

Okay I'm just going to comment my thoughts here:

3 miles out- Too far. That's almost twice as far as the record for distance kill.

Ria seems more interested in promotion than actually doing her job for doing her job's sake.

Interesting beginning though.

Hey Happy,

I like this prologue. It introduces what your story is going to entail while still holding a bit of mystery that makes you wonder what else is going to happen. I can tell that 'Fox' is going to be a sarcastic (perhaps just internally), independent individual just from the words you use to describe her frame of mind throughout the dialogue.

However, prologues are an iffy business. Many publishers won't even read your story if you have a prologue because it typically means you are introducing unnecessary background too early or you're going with the method turned cliché by 'Twilight' by Stephanie Meyer in which the Reader is given a bit of a spoiler. If neither of these are the case for your prologue then it shouldn't be to hard to mesh this with your first chapter by including a few transition words or even a decorative scene break.

(Sorry cut myself off on accident)

Anyway, you've got a good writing style that I think would be ideal for 14-19 year olds, which is a nice age range to be in. But I also think it could use a bit more suspense or wittiness or maybe grittiness to get me to want more. As a reader, I'm interested but I'm not intrigued.

If I picked this up in a library and having read only this, had to chose between this book and another one for some weekend reading, I'm not sure this one would absolutely win out. I suggest something out of the ordinary. It sounds like a routine op which isn't that attention grabbing. Now an op where she drops her gun, or misses once causing a delay in her get away, or she injures herself- those are scenarios that make me want to find out what happens next!

I started reading your first chapter and I got busy at work so I didn't finish it but I can tell what dialogue you have is authentic.

However, there isn't enough of it. When she is arguing with James there isn't enough build up to his anger. As an agent, you want to be as collected as possible so he would have probably prepared himself for an argument before going in. Especially if he knew what kind of personality Ria has.

Also, the date changes throws the flow off and at the start all I can get a mental image of is legs and arms flailing because you haven't set the scene any. Are they in a gym? Are they on a plane? Are they underwater in scuba suits with cameras flashing all around them as they compete in the world's first underwater wrestling match? I don't know. If you did mention where they are at you did it so briefly that it still didn't stick and in left wit these questions.