Sparkatale

I started reading your first chapter and I got busy at work so I didn't finish it but I can tell what dialogue you have is authentic.

 

However, there isn't enough of it. When she is arguing with James there isn't enough build up to his anger. As an agent, you want to be as collected as possible so he would have probably prepared himself for an argument before going in. Especially if he knew what kind of personality Ria has.

Also, the date changes throws the flow off and at the start all I can get a mental image of is legs and arms flailing because you haven't set the scene any. Are they in a gym? Are they on a plane? Are they underwater in scuba suits with cameras flashing all around them as they compete in the world's first underwater wrestling match? I don't know. If you did mention where they are at you did it so briefly that it still didn't stick and in left wit these questions.

 

(Sorry cut myself off on accident)

Anyway, you've got a good writing style that I think would be ideal for 14-19 year olds, which is a nice age range to be in. But I also think it could use a bit more suspense or wittiness or maybe grittiness to get me to want more. As a reader, I'm interested but I'm not intrigued.

 

If I picked this up in a library and having read only this, had to chose between this book and another one for some weekend reading, I'm not sure this one would absolutely win out. I suggest something out of the ordinary. It sounds like a routine op which isn't that attention grabbing. Now an op where she drops her gun, or misses once causing a delay in her get away, or she injures herself- those are scenarios that make me want to find out what happens next!

Hey Happy,

 

I like this prologue. It introduces what your story is going to entail while still holding a bit of mystery that makes you wonder what else is going to happen. I can tell that 'Fox' is going to be a sarcastic (perhaps just internally), independent individual just from the words you use to describe her frame of mind throughout the dialogue.

However, prologues are an iffy business. Many publishers won't even read your story if you have a prologue because it typically means you are introducing unnecessary background too early or you're going with the method turned cliché by 'Twilight' by Stephanie Meyer in which the Reader is given a bit of a spoiler. If neither of these are the case for your prologue then it shouldn't be to hard to mesh this with your first chapter by including a few transition words or even a decorative scene break.

 

I like that I was able to see more of Liam's sarcastic personality and her temper. Her power- which I'm guessing is Ice related- is more evident in this chapter so what I thought at first was foreboding turned out to be relevant to her character and that is a good twist. I'm still not sure about Beth and Savannah. I want to see a bit more of them. I really like it though! Definitely ready for the next chapter!

I was confused by the "My Pov" point. at first I though "My" was her name. And I totally forgot you're Australian so your slang is different than mine. I like how you describe the locker set up- I could picture it in my head. The beginning dialogue with the girls gave me a bit of mental whip-lash. Perhaps if you describe what the girls look like and give their full names first before you mention any nick-names it would be helpful. But Liam's personality is very like-able! :)