Sparkatale

Hey, sorry for taking such a long time to get to this. I really like the dialogue you have. It seems very natural, and I can clearly get an idea of every character’s personality. The idea is interesting, a little familiar but I’m sure you’ll add your own twists as the story goes on. I really like the way you contrasted Lily Ann and Edith. I’m looking forward to seeing them interact more in the future, they seem like a fun pair ;) Your descriptions of the characters were good too, I could form a clear picture of them in my heads. That’s something I struggle with, descriptions, so I admire you :)

There were quite a few grammar errors and such scattered throughout the chapter. I’ll point out a couple of the recurring ones. Firstly, dialogue should be formatted: “Like this,” she said. With a comma after the dialogue, not a full stop. It’s something minor but distracts people like me when reading :P Also, a few times the sentence before the dialogue didn’t have a full stop where it should have. Anyway, these errors can just be solved by reading through and editing, it’s not a major issue.

Secondly, and this is more of a wording thing, I feel it is a little unnecessary to state someone’s age when they’re introduced. There’s nothing exactly wrong with it, but there are better ways to let the readers know of a character’s age. Like at the beginning, you introduce the main character as “Eighteen year old Lily Ann” but later you give her age anyway, so I think you could easily take it out.

And there is a plot hole I’d like to address. If Callie has taken out criminals all over the world, how hasn’t her family found out about her? I mean, to travel to another country or even another city would take hours, so unless she has some sort of extra-curricular that she can pretend to be going on trips with or whatever they’re sure to notice. Even then, it would be suspicious. But maybe I'm reading too far into it :P

There were some interesting developments in this chapter. The shadow rider is interesting – I wonder what his motivation is, and who he is for that matter. I have a feeling he may turn out to be someone close to them. Anyway, this chapter was very interesting, I enjoyed it.

A first I found it strange that Lily Ann was able to guess the man’s exact height and weight so easily, but later when the other characters questioned her observational skills too I realised that it was a good way of showing her “double life” haha. I guess she must be pretty observant, being a crime-fighting teenager and all ;)

Although, I found it a bit strange that they actually rode their horses to Sadie’s house instead of walking/driving. Do people really do that? I have no idea, because I’m a city girl, but I thought I’d mention it anyway :3

There were still some grammar errors in this chapter, mostly the same dialogue stuff I talked about with the last one. Here’s something I thought I’d point out: “dark blue shudders” I think in this context it should be shutters, not shudders.

And I smell a romance on the horizon… xD

Hi, sorry it’s been a while since I last commented. Once again, I really loved your characterisation in this chapter. I think all your characters have distinct personalities, and their dialogue is really fun to read and natural. And it adds a lot of humour, too – I found Tennana’s showing off hilarious :P Especially the stuff about the cars. What’s a four year old going to do with car lol ;)

Anyway, the plot is definitely still interesting, don’t worry ;) I don’t really have any idea what the shadow rider’s going to do next, so you’re definitely keeping me in suspense. I don’t read/write mystery stories often, but I think you’re doing a good job.

I like the romance in this chapter too. Not over the top, but just enough to get readers wanting more ;) That’s the kind of romance I like to read.

Something I noticed – at times, you seem to switch between dialogue and action multiple times in one chapter. This can be quite confusing to read, so it’s best to split it up. As for grammar, you’re still making a few mistakes with your dialogue structure – if you have action before dialogue, there should be a full stop before the quotation marks. I noticed quite a few places where they weren’t there.

Perhaps something to improve on, more in your descriptive sections, is to make the sentences longer. When you were describing the villains there were a few instances where I thought you could combine two sentences together. I feel it just flows better that way.

I have a theory about who the masked girl is, but I don’t want to say in case I’m wrong. I always feel that way with mysteries, I like guessing but I don’t like admitting my theories in case I’m completely on the wrong track xD Anyway, I liked your action scenes, they were well written and exciting.

Overall, your grammar and spelling seemed to improve a lot with this chapter. There were still a few errors, but overall there was vast improvement! Well done :)

And it’s my pleasure with the comments :)

Hey, sorry for taking a while again :P

The story about Tenanna’s mother was sad. I like how you’ve added some depth to the characters. I’m sure she’s connected to the shadow rider in some way, although I’m not sure how :P

Anyway, I really liked this chapter. It seemed like a nice, light chapter with some comedy and romance until that ending ;) I’m sure Lilly Ann will be okay, but I bet it was the shadow rider’s work, making her fall off. Somehow they must have figured out she was Callie…

Also, when you said this: “try and replace the voice that was left” the expression is void, not voice. Once again your grammar has improved. You still miss some full stops in your dialogue, like here:

"Tell me about it." Lilly Ann agreed "Seems sad."

There should be a full stop after agreed, because she’s starting a new sentence in her dialogue.

And like I said, it’s all good about the comments :)

I guess the shadow rider must have some history with Lilly Ann’s relatives. Perhaps they wronged his family in the past? But I have a feeling it was probably  misunderstanding or something :P Anyway, I’m glad that Lilly Ann was okay, and managed to get back up after falling off that cliff :P

In this chapter I got the feeling that Logan might already know that Lilly Ann and Callie are the same person :P It might just be me reading too much into things… xD

And again there were a few times when you switched between dialogue and action multiple times in a paragraph (I realise when I wrote about this before I put chapter instead of paragraph… that was a fail on my part xD). As I said it’s easier to read if you split it up.

I’m curious about this Bruce guy. I don’t think he’s the shadow rider, it’s too early in the story for his identity to be revealed ;) And it would be a bit obvious. But perhaps he knows something about who he is. I wonder what will happen when Carol comes to cover for Lilly Ann :P I’m curious to see her in person.

When  you’re using numbers in a story, it’s best to be consistent. In this chapter you used both “2” and “two” in a short space of time. I think it’s better to use the word for small numbers, although if it’s a large one like 100 or something using the number is okay. Anyway, whichever you use should be consistent.

Anyway, like before your grammar has improved a lot :) You’re still missing a few full stops where they should be in dialogue, but aside from that there’s not recurring errors. Anyway, make sure when you have someone speaking like this:

"It's a 69 GTO convertible." Lilly Ann responded "That thing's got CI barrel engine."

There should be a full stop after responded, as a new sentence is started.

I really liked the way you described the car chase scene. I’m not an expert or anything but it seemed realistic and was exciting. I like all the detail :)
Carol’s behaviour as Callie was funny :P I like how Logan thought something was up, I would have been kinda disappointed in him if he hadn’t. The ending with Trevor was interesting too. I guess he must be connected or working for the shadow rider, although it’s not him…
Also that sign – “Bridge out ahead” doesn’t seem like something they would write on a sign (it’s too colloquial). I think something like “Bridge closed ahead” would be more realistic. I also felt like writing “loooooong” in the narrative is a little strange for a story in third person ^^ I think it would be better to just write long, or say very long to indicate the same thing :P I think it would sound better that way.
The main grammar problem I’m still noticing is that sometimes you don’t have full stops where they should be. If you have an action and then dialogue, like in this sentence:
Edith slouched back into her seat “Am I alive?”
Because the dialogue is a separate sentence, there should be a full stop after seat so it becomes:
Edith slouched back into her seat. “Am I alive?”
Sorry if I mentioned this before, by the way. I don’t remember if I did or not xD
 

Turns out I did have some time today to read this. Yay. :)

Okay, so the first chapter is well written. The pacing is fine and so is the layout of the basic plot. There were a few grammatical errors and typos here and there, but a quick proof-reading should eliminate those. I only have two "complaints" if they can even be called that, because it's nothing major. The first is that you don't really describe the characters all that much, and when you do, the only detail you give is the age. You DID give other details in some places and that was perfect, but especially in the beginning it gets a little bit repetitive when every sentence is: "The eighteen year old said..." "The sixteen year old said..." "The twenty year old said..." I think it would be better to show us their age rather than tell it, and you don't exactly have to reveal the ages of all of the characters all at once. My second "complaint" is that there are a lot of characters, and they're all being introduced to me all at once. It makes it hard to keep track of them. Personally, I like to reveal characters one or two at a time so that you can focus on their individual development before adding more, but that's my preference. In this case you need all of the characters to be there in the scene, so I suggest dedicating one or two paragraphs to briefly go over who is who and give them each some unique quality (I say briefly because you can't describe EVERY character in intense detail or else that would be very long and boring). Overall though, I enjoyed the read. So I'm assuming she's some sort of vigilante? Reminds me of Batman... or Catwoman... :D

Okay, I've taken a look at your first chapter and there are a couple of things that you could do to help it along a bit. (I didn't mind the plot itself, it was a nice introductory chapter that introduces us to the characters):

- You don't need to keep referencing who said what. I felt it was a bit repetitive by the twentieth time I read 'Lily Ann said' and your chapters would be more pleasant to read if you switched it up a bit. When writing a conversation between two people, you don't need to keep referencing their names, readers will know whose turn it was to speak. also, replacing their name with 'He said' or 'She said' will suffice. 

- I felt that Edith's description was perhaps a little too descriptive (Edith stood a five foot three inches and had a slightly stocky build. Her hair was the color of dark chocolate and straight as a pin as it hung just below her shoulders. Her eyes were a bright powder blue, which was almost a complete contrast to Lilly Ann's five foot seven, lean frame. Her dark blond hair hung in a braid down to her waist and her eyes were a deep midnight blue.)
* No-one can tell a person's precise height simply from looking at them, I feel it's a bit unrealistic to write that (But that's just me. I've been told otherwise from other authors)
* It's usually better to spread a person's description throughout the chapter rather than in one simple paragraph. You could write what color her hair is, then follow up with a short dialog between characters, and then add some other form of description afterwards? I just don't like description in a concentrated part of the chapter and I find it is much better to spread it out, as I've said already. 
 

- There were some grammatical errors, but nothing that cannot be fixed with a simple round of editing. Everyone suffers from it, and in your case it's just a simple case of 'its' instead of 'it's' (  it's chipped red paint giving it that authentic look.) placing a full stop where it should have been a comma, (You'll be staying at the new place. But come on in for a bite to eat.” )etc. Just look over your work and you'll be as right as rain.

- I felt that stating the character's ages as you introduced them was needless. (Eighteen year old Lilly Ann stifled a yawn as she sank back into her seat.
 Nineteen year old Mary said.
Twenty year old Luke said .)
It just doesn't sit right with me for some reason. 

- You claim that Lily Ann's secret identity is Callie Cameron, yet you then write that : There were only three people who knew Callie's identity as Lilly Ann Martin...
A simple mistake, yet a glaringly obvious one. 

Now, I bet you're looking over this review thinking I am Satan himself for listing all of that, but really it's for your benefit and to help you better yourself as a writer. I have received lots of criticism (both nice constructive, as well as flame reviews) and made me really think about how I was writing and the amount of mistakes I was having. I'm not saying you're a bad writer, not by any means! You have a determination to write and it's evident in the amount of chapters you have written that you are an individual who wants to finish a project once you begin and not a lot of people can claim that. Also I'm far from perfect in the art of literacy myself (Just ask The Tigress, she commented on one of my stories and listed quite a large number of mistakes I had made ^^' ) 

I'll read more of your work, and do keep writing. You can only get better at it!