Martha Drake | SparkaTale

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  • Joined 03/05/14
  • Last login 02/01/17
  • Followers 2
  • Books Authored 2
  • Poems Authored 0
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  • Comments 6
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1 0 0 411
Subject 42

3 2 17 2406
Outlive
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Comments
  • Never...

    I'm only one chapter in and I'm already in love with this book! The characters are great so far, and you created an absolutely perfect chapter to draw readers in. I can't wait to read more and see how the story progresses.

    Commented on: October 24, 2014

  • Outlive

    Thank you very much for letting me know! I've been doing quite a bit of editing on the side so some of my chapters most likely got mixed up.

    Commented on: October 3, 2014

  • Outlive

     Have to warn you, I have not revised chapter 8 yet. 

    Commented on: March 6, 2014

  • Outlive

    Oops, I write from a kindle Fire so it must've auto corrected it.

    Commented on: March 6, 2014

  • Frozed

    Great start a few comments though to help you out. Avoid wordiness, if you can say it it fewer words, do it. Otherwise you bore or confuse your reader as they get lost. Now to the specifics.

    1. Where you say "I couldn't even feel my own heartbeat from my pulse..." drop either heartbeat or pulse. It's redundant to have both.
    2. "You know...that feeling of adrenaline." A comma would work better than the periods.
    3. "I breathed again, having those tingles now feel like.." this sentence just feels awkward. Try something like "I breathed again and the triangles started to feel like..." or something similar to that.
    4. "It burned and blazed, painful..." Try making this two sentences like, "It burned and blazed. Painful enough..."
    5. Where you say impossible to move. Try incapable of moving instead
    6. In the next sentence you're missing a comma after pain.
    7. "spot like the legs there" put a comma after legs
    8. Take out first after the word hot. It's unnecessary.
    9. Why do deserve this? missing an I

    ​​Other than that I really enjoyed and can't wait to find out what happens next. I hope I wasn't too tough on you. 

    Commented on: March 6, 2014

  • Outlive

    Oh no, I  don't take offense at all. In fact, I'm glad for your help on improving my story.

    Commented on: March 6, 2014