Outlive, a Horror story | SparkaTale

Sparkatale

Outlive

By: Martha Drake

Status: In Progress

Summary:

Ever since Day Zero, when the outbreak first started, and her family was killed, Lauren Muran has been all alone. And to be all alone in a world of flesh eaters, one must learn how to survive or die. Fortunately, Lauren has made the choice to live. Fighting. Running. Hiding. All challenges of surviving in the event of an apocalypse. But there is another challenge that Lauren must face: Trust. For what will she do when she meets someone who isn't a zom, and doesn't want to kill her on sight? Will she team up to survive? Will she put her life in another's hands? And is there something more to this mysterious person than meets the eye? With her katana in hand, and her head held high, she will soon find that there is much more to surviving... and living. [PG-13] Parents strongly cautioned

Created: March 5, 2014 | Updated: April 2, 2016

Genre : Horror

Language : English

Reviews: 2 | Rating:

Comments: 17

Favorites: 3

Reads: 2406


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Reviews (2)


  • Danny Power

    I'm going to start with a simple statement: I love Zombie novels. Can't get enough of them. I've read countless versions both on here and in Fictionpress (FanFiction as well if you count the 'Walking Dead' fictions, which I do.) But for me, most, if not all of the novels I've read often lack something, something that seperates a 'good' novel into a 'great' one. Your novel proves to be one of the few exceptions, in the way that you do not spend the majority of your time describing the zombies and the apoclypse they created. Instead, you focus on the two main characters, their relationship from the second they spot each other right up until the very end. You've taken a very 'less-is-more' approach, but it makes this an effectively-engaging novel. While normally I'm not a fan of different 'classes' of zombies (walkers, regulars, screechers etc...) you somehow make the prospect appealing to me. I can only assume in my head that 'runners' could be zombies that are still relatively fresh and able to use their still-functioning muscle mass to sprint and dash, and so on and so forth. You detailed the enviornments each character was in very well, I never lost sense of where they were or where they were traveling to, and Tim and Audrery were a nice, if minor, sub-plot. However, and I'm sure you're aware of this, but there a number of grammatical errors, nothing major, just saying 'focus' instead of 'focused' and so on, a simple round of editing will erase them, but for now they rob this review of a fifth star. Despite this, your novel is one of the most refreshing stories I've come across in a while, keep it up!

    Rating:
    October 3, 2014 Flag


  • Navara-Desen Ikakkunatsa

    The story is very well told and also has an interesting plot around it. Despite the idea of zombies being used a lot now, and therefore having people not want to read it because of that, this story keeps the reader wanting to know. You only tell what needs to be told and therefore there are a lot of questions that need to be answered. There are the errors here and there with writing but it is very good even with those errors. The characters are very catching in the sense that they are both different yet they are the same. I'm interested in seeing where this story will go because it seems there is a lot left to it. I hope to read more soon. ~Nava-Desen

    Rating:
    March 6, 2014 Flag


Comments / Critiques


  • Reply

    Just thought I'd say this, but chapter 6 is identical to chapter 5, and by chapter 7 Lauren is alone, so we're missing an important part of the story. 

    October 3, 2014 | Danny Power


  • Reply

    Thank you very much for letting me know! I've been doing quite a bit of editing on the side so some of my chapters most likely got mixed up.

    October 3, 2014 | Martha Drake


  • Reply

    Also chapters 8 & 9 are the exact same, and by chapter 10 Lauren and Andy had escaped whatever situation they were in. Is there any way you could recover the lost chapters?

    October 3, 2014 | Danny Power


  • Chapter: 1 Reply

    Alright this chapter has a good introduction but I noticed a few grammatical errors. Don't get me wrong it is engaging and makes the reader want to know some more, but with the errors fixed it would be even better. Here are the errors I personally found (some are suggestions)(also i don't mean to sound offensive or mean so please don't take it that way):

    1. Not “chewed off or blown off” but “chewed or blown off”"
    2. The sentence should end there. “chewed or blown off. Whatever did it…” or add something like “chewed or blown off, but whatever did it…”
    3. “Poor thing” should have a comma after it so “Poor thing,” I thought….”
    4. Later in that sentence “...bumping into thing here and there”. Things should have an s on it.
    5. Instead of “and moaning softly” you could put “while moaning softly.” (just a suggestion there)
    6. “Be glad you're still alive not and they're the ones who are dead." there is a mix up in this sentence. It should be something like “Be glad you’re still alive. They’re not.” or something along those lines. The not that is put in makes the sentence not flow.
    7. Put an I before “Turned my attention”
    8. “I just wasn’t worth it,” should be, “It just wasn’t worth it.”
    9. The sentence after there could be a comma after the no for a pause to make it flow better.
    10. “try to gab me” should be “try to grab me”
    11. “for that matter” at the end of “the loss of her arm…” isn’t needed because the rest before it does a good job of getting the feeling. The ending seems to mess up the flow

     Hope that helps and going to read more now. Hope this helps you ^-^

    ~Nava-Desen

    March 6, 2014 | Navara-Desen Ikakkunatsa


  • Reply

    Oh no, I  don't take offense at all. In fact, I'm glad for your help on improving my story.

    March 6, 2014 | Martha Drake


  • Chapter: 2 Reply

    Happy to hear you like my advice. Here are my thoughts on chapter two. I still like the way the story is going however i have a suggestion before I show you the grammatical errors. When you are having Lauren thinking maybe change it to italic or something to show that it is in her thoughts and not out loud. Here are the grammatical errors I found:

    1. When you say “at the distance between him and the exit and me” it should be “at the distance between him, the exit, and me”.
    2. When you say “I pushed of one wall of the alleyway,” add a period and start a new sentence, “...wall of the alleyway. The force…”
    3. “The force brought me to the other side of the ally which I pushed off of as well and managed to grab the bottom rung of the fire escape with my fingers.” The sentence seems a little bit confusing, maybe something like, “The force brought me to the other side of the alley where I pushed off again, managing to grab the bottom rung of the fire escape with my fingers.” By changing it to again it shows the reader that the action from the previous sentence was repeated.
    4. In the following sentence, “I quickly started to climb bits of…” add a comma between climb and bits to add a pause and help with the idea.
    5. “I backed up from the edge just as he pulled himself onto the roof,” can change to “I backed up from the edge of the roof as he pulled himself onto it.” It removes the weird feeling the sentence gives because of the ending and still gets the idea across.
    6. “I was just about to turn and run, I don't know where to, maybe I would jump to the roof the the neighboring building when he spoke.” The sentence seems to be a mix of different thoughts instead of all together. Maybe something along the lines of this could help, “I was about to turn and run but I didn’t know where I could. I considered the idea of jumping to the roof of the neighboring building when he spoke up.”
    7. “bow slung over his shoulder that I hadn't noticed in the drugstore and he had a hiker's backpack on.” The sentence seems too close to a run on, try something like this, “...bow slung over his shoulder that I hadn’t noticed in the drugstore. He also had a hiker’s backpack on.” That pause really helps in making the facts clear.
    8. When the main character is speaking you are missing a comma at the part “squinting my eyes at him, “How do you…””
    9. At the very end of the chapter your forgot to put the closing “ on Lauren’s words.

    March 6, 2014 | Navara-Desen Ikakkunatsa


  • Chapter: 3 Reply

    This chapter was very good, I personally didn't notice many errors at all. Here are the errors I noticed though:

    1. The beginning sentence I feel like there should be a period after the end of “nearest to us, a white.” I think it should go like this, “nearest to us. It was a white…”
    2. at “The Windows” near the beginning, windows shouldn’t be capitalized.
    3. Later in the sentence at “right-most window and the glass in it was shattered long ago,” seems like it should be something like this, “right-most window with the glass in it shattered a long time ago.” You’re sentence seems a little bit confusing when reading it. This is probably more of an opinion than anything.

    March 6, 2014 | Navara-Desen Ikakkunatsa


  • Chapter: 4 Reply

    This chapter was also very good and I didn't find many errors again. I am enjoying the story so far, it's interesting and the reaction between the characters is great. 

     

    1. “He nodded to me, shrugged his pack off his shoulders, and walked over and placed it and his bow near the corner where I had tossed my own pack.” This seems like the sentence is too busy. It should be something like this, “He nodded to me, shrugged his pack off his shoulders, walked over to the corner where I tossed my own pack and placed it down along with his bow.” or something like that.
    2. Some point near the middle of the document where they are leaving the house you are missing the spaces between the paragraphs that you normally have.
    3. “The town was vacant there weren't even any zombies around which was making me a little nervous. For an hour or so hours we walked in total silence passing by abandoned cars and broken storefront windows” With this section you want to change it a little bit. Add a period between vacant and there because there seems like there should be a break. also after “For an hour” or so that extra hour shouldn’t be there.
    4. “stubbs” in the paragraph that starts with “That just left…” should not be capitalized.

    March 6, 2014 | Navara-Desen Ikakkunatsa


  • Chapter: 5 Reply

    I could just say the same thing that I do every chapter but here I will just do this. :)

    1. At the part where Lauren begins to tell her story you forget an “I continued, “At…””
    2. not shortly after that you say “me and my grandparents” when it should be “my grandparents and I”
    3. “I remember Running…” the running should not be capitalized.
    4. Later in that same paragraph you say “...anymore want to be honest….” and it should but a but instead of want.
    5. “No Donn’t…” should be don’t.

    March 6, 2014 | Navara-Desen Ikakkunatsa


  • Chapter: 6 Reply

    This chapter didn't have many errors and the reveal of the important facts were nice. I enjoyed it and has gotten me to start thinking. Good job. Here are the errors I noticed but very good chapter overall. :)

    1. “With a good enough jump I should be able to grab the top.” Seems like it is a thought but you use it as normal text. Either change the setting to something like, “I noticed that with a good enough jumped I would be able to grab the top.” Or make it so she is talking.
    2. “already known about my, we'll I guess you could call it immunity” It should be well not we’ll.

    March 6, 2014 | Navara-Desen Ikakkunatsa


  • Reply

    Oops, I write from a kindle Fire so it must've auto corrected it.

    March 6, 2014 | Martha Drake


  • Reply

    Yeah I know how hard it is to write on things like that. I tried to write something from an IPad once and it didn't go over so well.

    March 6, 2014 | Navara-Desen Ikakkunatsa


  • Chapter: 7 Reply

    This chapter was good as well however there seemed to be more grammatical errors than normal for you. Take your time reviewing it and sometimes reading it the next day will help you see the errors more, unless you already do that. ^-^

    1. "Why didn't he tell us before?" Tell us? I think you meant me. ^-^
    2. “my side my I tried to lift it.” I think there should be an as instead of a my.
    3. “I fell back wards,” backwards shouldn’t have a space in it.
    4. “She fell on her back an started to her back up but I didn't get her a chance.” The sentence seems like you were interrupted mid thought and started over. It should be something like this, “She fell on her back and she tried to get back up but I didn’t give her the chance.”
    5. “out of the ally,” ally should be spelt alley.
    6. “ so I didn't known.” it should be know not known.

    March 6, 2014 | Navara-Desen Ikakkunatsa


  • Reply

     Have to warn you, I have not revised chapter 8 yet. 

    March 6, 2014 | Martha Drake


  • Chapter: 8 Reply

    It was very interesting and almost no errors that I could find personally. I can't wait to read more of it. 

    1. When you talk about having to go looting again there isn’t the normal space between paragraphs that there normally is.
    2. “been holeing up down…” I’m not sure what you mean by holeing up….is it suppose to be holding up? or something like that?

    Your writing style is very good and interesting. The story seems to be coming along nicely as well. Good job ^-^

    March 6, 2014 | Navara-Desen Ikakkunatsa


  • Chapter: 1 Reply

    "I clutched the hilt of my katana sword tighter and slowly peered out from my hiding spot behind the counter of the run down-gas station" It should be run-down, not down-gas station.

    ""Shit," I silently whispered taking in the three figures slowly shuffling about the empty shelves and garbage strewn about on the floor." I'd put a comma after whispered.

    One thing I noticed is there's a lot of run on sentences. I'd suggest sprinkling commas, putting periods or cutting out some parts to help the flow and narrative voice of the story.

    The action scene where she fought the zombies was nicely done. A katana is certainly the ultimate zombie killing weapon. They were a little choppy, yes, but that's mostly what I pointed out with the problems with flow and what not. I felt like it could have been gorier, given it's a zombie story, but I'm just being picky. Only so much you can do with a PG-13 rating. (Not that I haven't described brains more than a couple times or anything) but her reactions felt very real. I don't know her name, or if it's even a she (but I'm assuming so by the introduction to the male character) and she feels rather capable.

    As for the boy, well, I have an irk with him. You see this often in stories centered for teen audiences- green eyes. Not hazel or muddle, green. Especially in the love interest. It's just a little pet peeve of mine, but legit green eyes are actually really, really uncommon.

    Overall it's a good start to a promising story. It's got some issues but really it's nothing a good proofread won't smooth over.

    March 6, 2014 | A . Nonymous


  • Chapter: 2 Reply

    Really, my only complaint with this chapter is what I said before. The flow is very choppy and awkward, run on sentences the main fault. I already suggested how to fix it last review so I'll save the space.

    So, she has a name. I was expecting something more unique besides Lauren, but honestly it feels like it works for the story. Simple name, complex character? It's too early to tell Lauren's depth, but I'm just throwing things out there.

    Her reaction to Andy felt very realistic. If I was in her situation and he hadn't proved  himself as a friend I'd run just like she did. She seems pretty quick thinking and smart and I like that in a character.

    However, I'm not sure how I feel about Andy. A lot of their dialog was kind of awkward. Not sure if it was your intention or just the way it turned out but it read kind of forced, like neither of them wanted to speak or were sure what to say but you wrote them in anyways. I can already kind of predict he will be the love interest, but as long as you create them to be complex characters with a not-so-cliche romance I will have zero complaints. (-:

    March 6, 2014 | A . Nonymous