Sparkatale

I think overall prologues can be hit or miss, and this one felt like a hit to me :) It’s only a little tease, but what we get here successfully intrigues me and makes me want to read on. I liked the way you described and build up to Jake’s eventual realisation that he’s a ghost. I especially liked the description of how it felt for Jake to have someone pass through him. I feel like it’s a spot where you could have easily gone through a cliché route (“he felt nothing” or “it felt really cold) but instead you did something more original. Since it’s only a short sequence I don’t have a whole lot to say, but overall it’s an interesting start to the story. I look forward to reading on!

“I moved onto a man with a stroller, carrying his impatient child” – I think it would be better and more immersive to describe what the child is actually doing? Crying? Yelling something? Throwing a tantrum? Etc. Also I’m surprised he spent a whole hour just waiting for people to notice him. I would have thought he’d realise they weren’t going to earlier than that. Both those comments are pretty nitpicky, but I thought I’d mention them haha.

Thank you so much for commenting! (I still have to read more of Gifted tomorrow!) 

No those comments were absolutely valid and I have changed them as best I can when I read it! It makes complete sense! I'm just glad that I don't drive people away at the first hurdle! 

Thanks again!

Overall, this was a very intriguing first chapter. You’ve set up the ghost’s world well, and I liked what I saw of Jake and Bart so far. You did a good job of portraying Jake in particular, with his trying to figure out what it is he feels he needs to do. I’m glad he found the place he thinks he needs to be at the end, with the school. I’m very intrigued to see what happens there. I also liked all the detail and description of the train stations/the rest of the city. You did a very good job at setting up the atmosphere for this story, makes me feel like the story is set in one of those old romantic drama/comedy movies haha. So great job on that. I’m eager to read on and see what happens now :P

Here are my nitpicks for this chapter. Take them with a grain of salt :P

“full of people, most of which” *most of whom

“(I had a lot of time on my hands)” I don’t think the brackets are necessary here, since it’s in first person. And this might just be me, but I don’t tend to like using or seeing brackets in prose anyway.

“(I was a little bit afraid…” same for this sentence too. There were a few times more times you used brackets throughout the chapter where I felt they weren’t necessary. It felt inconsistent too, because I couldn’t figure out why you’d used them in some places but not with other, similar sentences. Sorry for being such a brackets-hater xD

“The tunnel growled; a passing carriage…” I think this would be better as: “The tunnel growled as a passing carriage…”

“I wondered what happened to her now” – given the context, I think this line would sound better as: “I wondered where she was now”

“I needed to tell Bart, I needed to hit him with my eureka moment!” This sentence sounded awkward to me. I think it would be less clunky and more intriguing if you left it simply at: “I needed to tell Bart”

Sorry again for taking so long with this -.- I keep saying I’ll do better, but it never seems to happen. Anyway, overall I thought this was a really good chapter, and a great introduction to Peter. I think you’ve done a great job conveying the constant, crushing grief Peter feels. Even when he’s not directly thinking about it, it’s constantly there like a weight on his shoulders. That was consistent throughout the chapter, so good job. The scene where he was describing what I assume is his deceased boyfriend’s love for art was particularly moving :’( You could really feel the fondness and the unmeasurable sadness too. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense, by the way. Overall, I’m very curious to learn more. I expect I’ll need to have tissues on hand, though!

I like the other supporting characters featured here, too – not sure what sort of roles they will have at the moment but they all seemed interesting, and well-thought out (rather than just being random, almost featureless people for the protagonist to bounce off of). Bryan is probably my favourite so far.

Now for my critiques. Firstly, if Peter didn’t want to be in Seamus’s class, couldn’t his dad request he not be? When I was at school my mum suggested my sister and I (we’re twins, so in the same year group) asked that we not be in the same class for most of my schooling and that worked out. I think you could solve this easily by saying he couldn’t get a job in the school in their catchment area etc so Peter has to go to the one he’s at now.

Also I noticed Peter mentioned wanting to go to ‘university’ – from my observations based on news/tv/books, I would think as an American he would call it college :P

She sighed, finally showing how exhausted she actually was.” I felt saying she was exhausted seemed redundant, since the dialogue and her body language already conveyed that well.

“The Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum” I found this paragraph worded strangely. I get that you’re trying to keep the person he’s talking about’s identity a secret, but the way it was worded made me think he was saying the museum itself or his dad was obsessed with the paintings, which didn’t really make sense :P

“I fetched my camera immediately, snapping a single polaroid when the lights shone brightest.” Ok this is really picky, but I would think most museums/art galleries would have a rule about no unofficial photography haha. Most of the ones I have been to do.

You're honestly fine! There's no time-limit, especially with what's going on in the world at the minute! There's no rush =) 

Honestly your critiques are so helpful because this story is nearly finished and I am preparing it for the spelling/major plothole/minor plothole rinse and repeat editing process! I need these ironed out! I'm just glad that you like the main theme of the chapter and Peter's introduction (as an FYI, you'll encounter Naomi a lot, I'm not happy with her arc so I'll be changing her a lot) 

But thanks again!

Hey. Sorry again for taking so long to get back to this story. I feel I say that every time, but hopefully I manage to pull myself together and write regular comments again soon :/ Anyway, overall I really enjoyed this chapter. I love the moments of Bart and Jake’s friendship, from their banter at the beginning and later on when they’re trying to sort through what happened. It felt very real and natural so good job there.

I also really liked the way you described the moment when Jake first saw Peter. It was perfectly executed and I could understand exactly how he felt, how everything seemed to fall into place although of course there’s still so many questions left to ask. I like how you wrote this chapter in parallel with the last one, especially the ending at the museum. I’m really curious to see what happens, and if they’ll ever be able to communicate. I feel they’ll find a way but I don’t have much idea how, so it’ll be interesting to see.

Some nitpicks:

“Creating the world of noise” *a world

I do find it a bit odd that places like “East High”, or the names of cafes etc, are italicised. It doesn’t feel necessary and sometimes can be a little distracting, to me at least.

“He didn’t like it, the living hardly liked change” – How did Jake know the teacher didn’t like it? What did he do to convey that?

“I walked alongside some of them, that familiar feeling…” I feel this would sound better if you wrote “as that familiar feeling…"

Thank you so much for commenting! You're absolutely fine, there's a lot going on in the world right now, and you also have your own stories to write! I'm just glad you show any interest at all, tbh

Thanks for the nitpicks; the book has been edited once but I need to write up the second draft edit, and my eyes would have glossed over those mistakes you pointed out!

I was in two minds about putting locations in italics. If it's distracting I can change them back, it'll give me an excuse to comb through the entire book and do those second-round edits xD

Your comments are really helpful honestly, thanks so much!

Finally got round to another chapter! Sorry again for being so slow -.- Anyway, this chapter had some very interesting developments. I feel there is something off about James, and I’m worried he’s gonna do something bad or get Peter into a bad situation at some point. He just seems shifty I guess :P Still, I found Peter’s attraction to him interesting from a story point of view, and sad to. It’s clear part of the reason he likes him is linked to loneliness, which you conveyed very well throughout the whole chapter. The ending was very intriguing too – I’m curious what will happen now Peter is starting to realise Jake is hanging around.

Here are some nitpicks:

“We were burned alive by the opera house” – the way this was phrased made me think the opera house itself had burned them, rather than the sun :P

“some sort of construction work from the sounds of things” what sounds did he hear to make him think there was construction going on?

“all sort of stories” *sorts

“Sure enough, he struggled to open the front door” – saying ‘sure enough’ makes it sounds like it was already alluded to that the door was hard to open, which didn’t happen

“I’m allowed find a guy handsome!” *to find

“Simply because there was so much stuff” – before this you hadn’t said there was anything extra in the room itself (just that there were posters in the halls)

“Sorry, need to be over eighteen for the kind of things we do” I found it strange that Peter assumes he means drinking, when isn’t the legal drinking age in America 21?

Honestly, I think we should both mutually agree that it's going to take 7-10 business working days to respond to each other's projects, because I still need to get around to reading another chapter of yours and I also need to apologize for the delay xD

Yeah, James Hanson plays a seperate arc in the story, to show how much Peter has grown by the end of it. The chapter where this all kicks off needs to be heavily edited, so that's subject to change. 

And thanks for the nitpicks, especially the age thing. It kinda unravels James' entire statement, doesn't it? xD Thanks for still taking time to read this project at all!