Sparkatale

It was quite sad, but very potent. You need to scratch on on your writing skill and use more descriptive words, but in all this is one of my favourites. Very well done, the use of simple everyday settings and how they can act as triggers was genius, really loved it!!

Thank you very much! It'll be a slow process but I hope to produce at least a chapter a week if I can. I'm glad you enjoy it :) 

Another brilliant chapter! I liked this one because of the narrative hook it ends on; Carey going to the rebel base and Janelle's revelation that her being an orphan is her fault!! I mean let me breathe!

Carey and 256 are awesome. I'm warming up to 256 more, he is genuinely worried for Carey's sake and that's nice to see. Carey seems to be getting on with him to. I'm really curious about him now, he is unlike most of the other Gifted and he constantly hints as some dire event that caused him to defy the Leader and the death of his trainer. I think that may be the cause of his nervous disposition? I'm really curious about him, he seems like a realistic character :) 

My mouth legit fell open when the Leader told Carey and 256 to go on the mission to the Lake Village. I mean... what sort of tea is she serving? I want to know her intentions but I CAN'T! Does she want Carey dead? Does she want to see if she'd run away? She couldn't want her dead because her Gift is so rare or does she just want to see if an action setting will trigger its power? I guess I'll find out :L 

(Again the only issue I have is the ******** as a point of changing POV, sometimes I don't notice it and Janelle is talking with the leader :L) 

I really like Janelle's section as well. I am a sucker for personal character development. Her drive is admirable and I can commend it and its also v relatable for me cause I have a habit of hiding my feelings :L I just hope the stress of the situation and leadership doesn't have to hard a tole on her :L 

I loved this chapter, it was so wholesome and sweet and had humour in it. A few times I got slightly confused towards the end, just with some pronouns between Janelle and Samantha, but other than that it was excellent.

I also liked how things are beginning to develop for them (finally!) The few followers they have in this little tavern basement seems the perfect starting point for them. I liked how you conveyed Janelle's anxiety towards the situation, I could picture it perfectly in my head and her self doubt makes the situation more believable. 

Rosa seems so driven and interesting, and also quite quirky. I'm still curious about Marvin and Rosa and their past. I like the mystery surrounding them. It was another captivating chapter, despite not a lot of action happening in it, it was like character development which I appreciate nonetheless :L (again sorry for not getting back to you x_x) 

I am SO sorry for not getting back to you D: I've been doing uni interviews the past couple of weeks all across the UK so I've been traveling so much and haven't had the wifi or time to sit down and read or edit anything ughhh :L 

But moving on, yeah a lot does happen and develop in Prae's sections. In fact most of the developing happens with her actually :L 

Yes, thank you for pointing that out. When I first included Raven's injury, I was quite young and didn't understand the full effect and impact of such an injury really, I've edited it appropriately and just need to include it on here. Thanks again, I did find reading it to be quite unrealistic given the circumstances. Tiberius was just trying to be supportive :L 

Keilum's part was fun to write cause there was so much action in it. I'm glad you liked it, and in respect to the bashing part I think it was because I was quite bashful writing it :L I'll fix that when I can, thanks for pointing that out. 

Ahh thank you again!! I'm so glad it's improved, some little hiccups but other than that awesome, thanks so much :D 

I'm glad you found it interesting aha :L and yeah, I think out of all he four, Raven reacts the most 'realistically' and honestly . Information on the Black, similarly to the Four's predicament is filtered throughout because I was figuring it out as I was writing :L I think 'powerful' was more lack of a better word, but I understand where you're coming from. Raven is 100x more sexually liberated and free than Constance is. Constance is strong, but Tiberius has also never seen her exert her power, since he was born after the last war when she returned. 

In regards to the mermaid situation, Raven knows of them because she encountered them when they first arrived. Keilum was nearly drowned. Writing it, it did feel advanced, but then this 16th century world isn't the same as ours was. The continents trade and interact freely with each other and in places where mermaids frequents more (Xaandar and Astraea), there have been better studies. In regards to their pollution problem, mer creatures aren't native to Caelo and their presence disrupts the ecosystem (that's what I'll go with anyway ahah).

I agree with the Choir Virgin issue, I do need to flesh it out more. I was trying to convey the fickle and neurotic nature of the archbishop. I definitely work on that, I knew something was off. 

Soulsiv was supposed to be there, he knew where Alicia was at due to the meddling of the Monsignor Christopher. The Iuvo thing was a typo, it's supposed to be Lamiana, I'm so used to Prae and him conspiring together.

It's no trouble! I understand that you're busy don't worry aha :D thanks v much for the comment.

Hey, sorry for not getting back sooner, I've been slightly preoccupied :L but no worry. Before I begin, I want to know what time period this is set in? Whether it is past or future? Just out of curiosity. 

I like how you showed Carey beginning to unravel slightly at being imprisoned by the gifted. It makes her ordeal more believable, and the nightmare she is having is quite graphic. Personally, if I kept dreaming my family was dead I would begin to lose hope, but I hope Carey doesn't go that way. I admire her spark. 

Janelle made me laugh, she is so tactless. She is honestly about as subtle as a brick. She doesn't know or read people that well,but maybe she'll improve on that :L I also am really curious about the 'Sancturies' and what they are and who they harbour. There's mystery there.

It was nice to see Samantha more animated. To see some passion in her, it makes her seem less glacial. It also makes me wonder her motivation for wanting to overthrow the Gifted. Maybe it has something to do with her sister? That revelation gave her substance and more depth as a character and I'm excited to see how she progresses. 

256's confliction of loyalties is bothersome sometimes. One foot with the Gifted, the other with Carey; mind vs heart. This, though it makes me dislike him, makes him more believable as a character to have some inner turmoil. Surely he's not the only one who thinks like this? My only criticism on this section of the chapter was when he asked how the nonGifted react once their children have been taken. Carey only said about some people being sad in a field, which wouldn't be that moving. 256 is brainwashed, so he would have to hear something really gripping and quite tragic in order to brush off 18 years of propaganda. 

Overall, another excellent chapter. I'm really beginning to get involved in this story now. My one note of advice would be, since there are four POVs, would be to make the distinction more obvious that ".......". That's just my opinion, disregard it if you wish :L 

Hey, I read the previous chapter again and it was awesome! So much more fluent and less disjointed, it felt way more honest and realistic. I really liked it well done. 

I liked this chapter as well, I really loved the detail of the chapter. I'm a stickler for detail ahah. You mentioned other races (Half-ling) and some other countries (Xlan) and it makes the world seem more believable, that is has more substance and depth. I like the use of racial bias, it creates more conflict and again adds to the sense of depth for Kainnon and its history. Why do they dislike Half-lings? Why are they 'Half'? If they're half and disliked that must been there's been some interracial mixing? Is that forbidden? If so, why? Is there a Half-ling Rights Movement or something similar? Answering these sorts of questions can give a more in depth understanding of your novel and world and creates small conflicts and ripples that can play as major plot devices. I, personally, love all of this ahaha :L 

Then, Zyler mentions Ekaitz eyes and how it isn't for those truly born of Kainnon. That's captivated my interest now. Could Zyler and Ekaitz be half-brothers. That would be sweet. 

One thing though, Zyler appears to be incredibly well educated. Was he given an education? Because it's very well written from his perspective. If he was a forger and a half-ling, then he would probably use incorrect grammar and speak more colloquially. Maybe he was educated privately but despite this and because of racial bias, he couldn't use his education to reach more ambitious heights than forge master? I just have so many questions cause I'm so curious

Over all, this was an incredibly interesting chapter that raised a lot of questions and I will read on to see if I can have them answered. 

Thank you so much for the comment! This was so nice to read ahhh uwu. The Black is basically a disease, but it can infect everything. It's pretty awful in that respect. More information is given on how it twists and infects as the novel progresses :L 

Yeah, you see the results of his training, but unless one of the characters explicitly asks Rory what his training entailed, he won't say. He's that awkward. I'm too blunt to be symbolic, I drop hints and trip over them ahaha. Thanks for pointing that out, I'll try to be more subtle in the future :D

And omg thank you so much!! I'm glad u think that, that's so awesome to hear/ The characters are all important to the story. Bernard always remains a bit on an enigma though, sometimes we're close to figuring him out. And yeah, I didn't realise that small mistake, fixed it now though. Thanks v much for the comment xD

Alicia and Raven have been greatly desensitised, due to their trials and also their need to survive. Raven knew she wouldn't last unless she had someone protecting her.  She talks about this later on though, as does Alicia.

In regards to Alicia, she has been affected the most. Her trial was very brutal. When she first arrived it was her who was attacked and even then she really broke the guys face. Then she saw what happened to Dafeenah. She was giving a very bleak view on the treatment of women (& woman of colour [woc]) in Caelo. To see that the Lady Songstress, who aligned herself with an institution that openly oppressed women and then sterilise them, it was seen as a great betrayal and unforgivably so. Alicia also has a bit of a mean streak that comes out in extreme circumstances. Aside from all the justification, you're right, I should have put more emotion in in regards to guilt. 

There's a lot of political dancing between Prae and the God's Council and others in the upper echelons of Caelo's society. I even get mixed up, so if you feel later on Prae explains them to bluntly, it was probably me making sense of the intrigue 😂😂

Thanks for the comment and pointing out those mishaps. I always miss stuff like that when I'm editing it 😂

 

 

 

 

Oh my god. The ending to that chapter was a punch. I really like this book because of the Final Fantasy meets Hunger Games aspect. Its awesome!! I love first person novels because you can really assess the personalities of the MC and I feel Ekaitz is pretty chill and relatable. I like his nervous tick, I do that a lot as well. 

A few things though; there are mistakes throughout, nothing major but little typos you probably missed when editing. (I do it all the time dw lmao)

I didn't really like how you just started explaining random things? I disrupted the flow of the chapter slightly and was quite awkwardly placed. Maybe writing a prelude to explain the world and the order of things since the Sphere of Life explosion? Just so the focus can really be on Ekaitz and his thoughts/feelings/emotions during the ordeal. The flashback as well was pretty awkward to read through. I would suggest a heated exchange, it gets the message across more effectively and gives the MC more substance to see him react in various ways. Just a suggestion though, it may suit 99% other people and I'm just that 1% lmao :L 

The concept I really like and its different than 'Gifted'. Reading it, I just imagined Ekaitz telling me it, which was quite cool. I really want to know what happens next now :D 

Another excellent chapter! Your style here is fast paced and I love that. I wish I could do it cause it takes me 30 years to get to a point aha :L I like how we got to know more about 256's past and his demons with his mentor 913. It makes him seem more human and more relatable. I like him a little more than I did a few chapters ago :L he seems genuinely kind, though in the world of the Gifted seems to be a bad personality. I hope he stands up for himself :L 

I still have this odd respect for the Leader. She's just so compelling and enrapturing, even though she seems like a bit of a psychopath choking Carey like that. Yikes. I do wonder how she just magically knew Carey's thought process? It seems a bit unrealistic that she just knew. Maybe it was a fear tactic to completely remove any thoughts in her heads of it? Idk maybe I'm just too perceptive. 

Marvin is odd? Why was he annoyed that they killed the Gifted? I mean what did he expect :L? I'm glad the question of his reasoning behind overthrowing the Gifted has been addressed. I mean, no one likes living in an authoritarian, elitist dictatorship, but people have been content for a 1000 years. He seems so nonchalant about the whole thing. It makes me suspicious of him. Also why hasn't just told Janelle and Sam about the Gifted and their secrets? 

A lot of questions that I want answered so I'll keep reading. I couldn't find much issue other than the detail of prose. Other than that, I really enjoyed reading it and will continue :) 

Beautifully written and crafted. I love the amalgamation fairy tales, the Snow Queen featured in the prelude and the enchanted mirror that Queen Eleanor now uses. Is Khione to be a Snow White character? I found it very compelling and interesting, very 'Once Upon A Time'. 

Your writing style is very unique, though it makes your characters seem more symbolic than people? If that makes sense. You change POV sometimes from the Queen to the King and then to Khione. Your choice of words also sets the feel and atmosphere of the book. Your prose is so elegant and well informed I could imagine the castle, the snow and the blood dripping onto it. 

It is only the first chapter and I have no idea where the book is going to go writing wise. 

My only critique is the synopsis you wrote. It's very long, so long in fact that all of it does not fit unless you click to bring you the book's page. I would suggest making it much more shorter and sharper. You practically told the story there. Overall, excellent first chapter, well done.

I liked this chapter again, there seemed to be some feeling of warmth between 256 and Carey. He seems so wore down by the Council and quite broken? I feel quite sad for him. I really like Carey cause she is just so defiant. 

The leader is the head bitch in charge and I respect that. She really makes her council members cower, there's something about her that is so compelling. I wonder how powerful she is? 

The trial seemed... off to me. It seemed unrealistic that the Council was just able to drop everything and begin a trial. Maybe it's because this is such a rare instance? That's most likely it. Also, why the Leader took an interest in her? Is this all because Carey's an anomaly? Did her Gift of Stealth allow her to hide from the assessor when she was born? Surely there were others who could have hid from the Council and then been caught? 

Description of things could be improved, just to feel more immersed in the story. 

I like how this chapter ended. There was something harrowing about it. I feel as though 256 has tried to get out before? Or voiced certain opinions of freedom that caused him to be punished and that's why he is so crestfallen. Overall, another interesting chapter and I want to know how their stories progress :L 

Janelle and Samantha are my favourites. I really liked this chapter as well, the descriptions at the start were really good and I could picture the lake and the city quite clearly.

Though I got slightly confused cause you say '...they stood outside the door to the doctor's house. It was a large well-kept looking building,' then you go on to say 'they at last found themselves at the doorstep of a fairly shabby-looking home.' 

Another issue I had was how Samantha got Mervin to agree to help them. I mean, if Mervin had saw all these men and women with past ambitions to over a millennia old regime and doesn't want to see more lives wasted, he wouldn't want to see two young girls die. And yet all it took was for Samantha to be all mysterious and vouch for Janelle to convince him. It seems pretty unrealistic. A suggestion would be to have Samantha lie about some sob story and how she doesn't want any mother to feel how she did idk :L 

I really enjoyed reading Samantha's exchange with Janelle on being average but special. It was sweet. It felt quite genuine and made Samantha more 'human' if that makes sense? It showed a vulnerable side to her, and it responds well. I also like to think Janelle has a slight crush on Samantha, she comments on how beautiful she is often. 

Overall, it was another excellent chapter, aside from some small issues, I really enjoyed reading it and seeing a more soft side to Samantha :) 

There is so much in this chapter omg??? I loved it, personally. I'm imagining the Council as a very futuristic but everything is controlled by magic sort of place, like final fantasy or something. It v original. I still can't shake the Hunger Games vibe of fear and submission, but that only makes the story more compelling for me. 

256 seems meak. He seems beaten and lost. I'm not gonna lie, he seems to be at a crossroads stuck between deciding to go for his conscience or the way of the Council. This indecisiveness in him makes me dislike him :L sorry. 

I was slightly confused at the start in regards to who was speaking. It just started, but I got the swing of it eventually. Some paragraphs where difficult to read with the constant repeating of 256 instead of a name, it got quiet confusing. That would be my only problem. The use of numbers and titles rather than names makes me struggle to connect with the character and creates a sense of dehumanisation. Which is maybe what you were going for? If so, good job :L 

I'm glad we got to see more of the Gifted and their elitist ways. The Leader seems to be cold and detached it makes her seem really intimidating. I like that. I'm intrigued as to what the hierarchy is. Is it a monarchy? Are they democratically voted? Is it a dictatorship? Are those with the Gift of Air higher than those with the Gift of Fire? If so. who has the best gift then? Do the Servants have powers? If so, why are they servants? Can one work there way up to be on the council? From servant to assessor to council member? I'm so curious about the world. Though now I fear for Carey, like zoinks. 

Overall, another enticing chapter, well done!! 

Keilum will continue to develop as the story progresses, but unlike the others. His progression and development is much more personal. As for Alicia, well, nothing constrains her. Remember, she is from this time line, with all the social progression for woman of colour. Now, she's in a world where this has been taken away, and they don't know how to react with her attitude. Same goes for Raven. 

In regards to Soulsiv's trial, I keep forgetting to include the vital information. There is a character called Monsignor Christopher who looks out for Soulsiv for a reason only known to them. I wasn't going to introduce them until book 2, but it's best to include him now to make it seem more believable. His trial was rushed because this was the final straw, this count is a pushover, whereas the previous one was not. Usually Prae did everything by the book with formal complaints, but with that attacks she was pushed to her wits end and begins to unravel her real power. It's a very delicate situation between the influence of the church on the state, when in fact they're supposed to be separate. Just know the Church keeps him in power.

I fixed that issue to make the scene more believable, so thank you for pointing it out :L Soulsiv usually gets into fights with men and just beats women. He's a horrible person, and a misogynist. He expects woman to fight subtly with poisons and traps and such. "Cowardly ways", which is why he really doesn't see Raven kneeing him in the balls happening, because he just expect women to be so forward :L

And no, the fact you sometimes do it makes you more credible. I forget I repeat phrases, but that's easily fixed when I go over it :L these are the things I miss when editing :// 

Thanks again for the comment, it really means a lot and for saying I'm good at describing things ahha :L 

Thank u again for the comment. I'm glad the humour seems natural, I never thought myself as a funny person so that's good to hear.

I've edited the prison escape appropriately, thanks for pointing it out 😂 Raven and Dun bond easily because they're both nice people. Raven is very symbolic to him as he reminds her of his dead daughter and her name, so the connection is already obvious. He does come back, but not until next book I'm afraid. 

When I was writing her meeting with Tiberius it felt a bit rushed, so I'm glad u pointed that out. I went back and edited it to make it seem more natural. The Countess of Aqua has her reasons for being so kind and hospitable, but they'll come to light soon enough.

Things for Alicia don't go swimmingly I'm afraid, but that's all I say. 🙃🙃 thank you for the critique, I've edited the I formalities out. I've never really knew what an info dump was, but I'm glad that's what it roughly looks like. Thanks so much ✌🏼️

 

Hey, sorry for not getting back to you but I really  wanted to get chapter 22 finished :L that's done now so I was able to reread this and give a proper review. 

Again, overall, your chapters are excellent. You craft characters very well and portray their thoughts well. I like how Samantha is an enigma to Janelle, I want to know her motives and reasoning. I really enjoyed Janelle's perspective, especially the strange woman Rosa. I was automatically suspicious of her, she seemed to eager and... weird? It bordered on physical when she insisted 'aggressively'. She must know more than she's letting on and the letter? How does she know of the girl's motives? Is she friend or foe? This was my favourite bit of the chapter for me, definitely, well done! :D

Carey's perspective I enjoyed because it gave more information about the Gifted but it leaves a lot of questions. Do 'gifts' manifest at random points or are they just a genetic feature? If they're the latter, how come Carey wasn't caught before when her other siblings were being assessed? Are there others like her? Is there a secret army of gifted fighting the gifted in the woods? So many questions, which I like because I want them answered. 

The only critique I have is descriptions, to feel that sense of submersion within the story (which is very original and has great characters). Also evoking a greater sense of fear and suspense with the Assessor scene and the build up to it. Small details like the day went by so slowly for Carey or really quickly because of her nerves really make it seem more 'real'.

Overall excellent chapter and I'm very curious as to how these stories will progress or overlap and intertwine. Yay! :D

Thanks for the comment, before the end of the book you definitely find out before it ends 😂 though a few things get in their way. I'm actually writing those bits atm haha. 

I wanted to give Soulsiv a narrative because he is so evil. I felt he was almost a cliche villain, so I wanted to give some perspective to his motives. Dunhumaru doesn't die, but later on (like another book) he plays a vital role in the history of how the four got here. 

Dunhumari Irish accent is inherited. Ireland doesn't exist in regards to Nusefil (the world in which Caelo is in). Raven is from earth where Ireland exists and so in her narrative, he has an Irish accent and the old man sounds like he's from Saudi Arabia :L

"A freckle away" from something means to be very close to something. People say it a lot where I'm from. It's just an idiom and quite an obscure one at that 😂😂

Your criticism is needed 😂 it's not whining, I really appreciate it, so thank you very much for the comment

 

 

Ah it's not trouble ahah ^_^ take your time dw :L And thank you so much again for your review, it honestly means a lot. Yeah, Alicia really only gets more intense but I'm glad you like her! Funny, I really liked writing about the old man in his tent so it's awesome someone else likes it. It comes back from time to time so he's helpful :P 

Thanks for thinking I'm good at writing! That means a lot! It is tragic what happens to Dafeenah, but it isn't the last we have heard of her :D and yeah I got a bit carried away trying to make him dislikable cause I really hate him omg so I used phrases like 'oinked' to make him more piglike and awful :L I'll correct that once I'm going through it to make it less comical but an actual serious thing. 

Dw, I understand what you mean. I sometimes have issues with syntax so it sometimes doesn't make 100% sense first time through, sorry :L I'll defo work on that. 

I'm glad you enjoyed it over all. The information is filtered throughout more in later chapters so more things make sense, but it's more a novel long mystery regarding how they got here and by what means :L The Lunar Eclipse is a pretty important character and I hope you'll like her :L 

(sorry for not getting back to you, I was away for a few days :L) This chapter was very gripping, it sets the atmosphere for the next one very effectively. I wonder what Janelle and Samantha will find now that they're free? I hope Carey and Wesley decide to go and they all meet up, that would be cool. It feels as though this is meant to happen.

I always ask questions cause I am really curious :L Was the old lady telling the truth? Does Janelle have a crush on Samantha's older brother? Why has she forgotten his name? Is this the last we shall see of them both? This is what makes me want to keep reading and you craft this sense of mystery, apprehension and anxiousness very well! 

I'm happy to read that there was some development on the Gifts and the Gifted. The mention of the Gift of Water and the old lady's stories of poisoned air and flames and then Carey just materializes places. I have so many questions! How and why didn't the gifted spot this? Does this mean Lindsay is safe? Carey will have to break out now! For a second chapter, things are really interesting and I only want to keep reading! 

My only criticism would be content; descriptions of people and places to be more detailed and creating a greater sense of atmosphere. I didn't connect with Carey's fear when she was being attacked or feel the emptiness of the dark village. Build suspense, the use of the wind blowing did this, but Carey's anecdote of her father telling her the "monsters are only in her head" killed this sense of fear and suspense. And then, out of nowhere BAM knife at her neck.

That would be my only critique. Overall, a very enticing second chapter and I can't wait to read the next :D

Overall it is a very intriguing chapter. It reminds of the Hunger Games for some reason with the worrying and mysterious 'Gifted'. There's a definite sense of fear you have crafted and it responds well with a reader (me). 

I like how you have divided up the chapter from two different perspectives, it's a nice change and keeps readers on their toes. My only critique would be to make the change from one perspective to another more definitive and clear. 

I'm already nervous for Lindsay,like yikes. You build upon that sense of worry well, though it can be built upon to make it almost a suffocating paranoia and Carey's denial all the more intense. A lot of questions about the Gifted and how they choose others is quite intriguing for a first chapter.

Janelle is interesting, her circumstance is interesting and I'm really curious to know how it develops for her, so I will keep reading. I enjoy revenge/rebellion plots. Her relationship with Samantha is also curious  "Partners, definitely... we both have the same goal, but are we friends? It's so hard to tell with Samantha."

Things that can worked upon is creating the atmosphere and a greater of being submerged fully in the stories and characters. I'm sure you'll prove me wrong in later chapters though. Also, dialog is sometimes difficult to follow and because of the lack of detail, it makes tricky to understand the tone of some conversations. 

Hope this helps!! 

Thank you so much!!! I always struggle with grammar stuff, so this means a lot. If you keep reading I'm afraid it gets more confusing for a bit :(( In regards to how they got here; they came from our world :L A Witch's Tale is the prequel, but I lost a lot of the later chapters when I got a new computer unfortunately, so I'm fixing that. More information is revealed later on though. Thanks again!!! 

No, sorry. I wish I did though! I got request from the artist to use the image but I edited them to fit the mood of the book. Thanks for the comment! 

Thank you very much! Yeah, I am somewhat prone to a few grammatical errors (I confess I rely too much on spell check and the grammar check one) But this is the second book, the first was 'A Witch's Tale', it explains all of that and how they got there. Also, the whole 'tear in the world' is developed further throughout the book. Some of the characters come across an epiphany. 

But thank you again for the comment, it's very much appreciated :D