Sparkatale

Just took a quick look at this because I missed this book upload, and it looks promising so far! Your writing style... I can't describe why I like it so much, but it was easy to read and pretty interesting. You set up the character dynamics and the tone very well! There's only a few spelling errors in the chapter but nothing a simple edit won't fix! Looks good! I'm woeful for sticking to stories but I'll try my best to read a bit more but well done!

OK, so I had more time to look into this chapter in more detail, and just wanted to share some of the things I liked about it: Firstly, the way you wrote Katherine in the beginning - both before and after Lucas - was really well done. Just little things like describing the apartment, turning it into a home, and using senses to further describe the scene ("Waking up to the smell of coffee") The Katherine after Lucas is a much different person - how could she not be? - but you can really feel the effort she had to make to move in your writing. I felt like we only got a passing glance at Matthias in this chapter. Hopefully we see a bit more of him because he was introduced fairly well as a supporting character! The second half of this chapter is an absolute whiplash and I'm here for it! Contrasting architectural styles, really driving home the point that Katherine has no idea what's going on, while the residents of Scogrys speak to her as if she knew why they brought her there, I want to read on and see where this goes! Just a few tiny nitpicks in this chapter like I mentioned, but honestly they're the tiniest things: The word "box" is repeated several times in one paragraph (Katherine retrieved the last box... This box was smaller than the others... This box wasn't labelled...) and "Katherine" herself (... Coming up from the ground beneath Katherine... Magical circle that formed around Katherine) where it might be better to use different descriptions, but again this is just so nitpicky that it doesn't take away from the chapter itself. Looking forward to reading more!

Wow, thank you so much! I really apreciate any and all feed back. I have a tendency of using the same word over and over even in the same paragraph. It's like I forget how to use a Thesaurus. Thank you so much, I really apreciate it. Every now and then I go through all of my chapters to edit them from the very begining. I try to do it strategically, but that doesn't always work. Everytime I go through the chapters even if I've gone through them several times I feel like I miss something. I'm going to brain storm new ideas for editing to try and catch the things that slip through the cracks. When it comes to finding stories and reading them I'm the same. Sometimes I keep up with them really well and other's I don't so I totally get it.

Oh we got a lot of world-building in this chapter! I really love that, sort of thing in novels (I'm more invested in how a world works rather than being character-led) and its clear you poured a lot of detail into it - Aricela is interesting and I like how she serves exposition while also being a character in her own right. She must be formidable if she could rise above the unfair and harsh laws this world has placed on women. Also as a person who deals with anxiety myself, the description of Katherine in this chapter was absolutely well done. From the room suffocating her to the familiar items she used to ground herself in the moment, this was very well done! Thaumaturges are both feared and effectively tied to a leash (forced to go to Morkulas) and I found that duality interesting! Also I realized that Matthias may be in this world as well! I can imagine that Katherine is searching for her friend while also dealing with Scorgys and what they expect from her. Anyway overall this was a great chapter and it really draws me in to read more!

I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter! I've been worried because my analytics show that most people drop off here so I thought that perhaps there was something wrong with it.

I wanted Katherine to be a strong heroine. She capable of being kind and gentle, but she also strong and dependable. She's willing to stand up against things that are wrong even if it makes her look bad. Her original design was much more of a Mary Sue, and I just couldn't get behind her. So I started over to make her more interesting to read, and so that she interacted with the wold on a different level.

Sorry for the second comment, but I felt that it was important to mention. I really appreciate your comments. I apreciate any and all feedback. I want this story to be the best that it can be. That will only happen with honest critiques. Thank you for your help.

Just wanted to ask about this particular chapter - is this a misplaced chapter? I'm seeing names I've never seen in the previous chapters and it seems to be much further ahead in the plot?

Yeah, I'm not sure what happened there. When I checked on the chapters after making some edits they were all out of sorts. It must have been super confusing. I'm terribly sorry for the inconvience, but it should be fixed now.

So I finally have some time to read this again and I mostly like what I read here! (writing on mobile so this is going to be a wall of text lol) First thing I liked was that we're leaning even more into the society of Jinzedra - and Zazzora as a whole - and the theme of women stiflement is showing up. Even the dress at the beginning of the chapter seems to be stifling in more than one sense (restricting her breathing and making her look more palatable by covering her tattoos) which I thought was a nice touch. You're clashing traditional and modern cultures quite well here - with Katherine protesting against the idea of an arranged marriage - and writing up the King as a man who is quite disgusting as a person (If you produce a male heir, he could be the Hero we need.) but framing it as if this is the only natural conclusion he can arrive at *because* of the way his world is. Katherine is written quite strongly here, to the point where even Aricela asked her to calm down. It would be nice to have a line or two added here and there harking back to her anxiety ( she suffered pretty badly with it last chapter, and nowhere to be seen in this one) just for continuity - she could be terrified at the sight of the King, she might struggle to come up with the right words for a split second etc - but otherwise I liked her arc and the ending and the great message at the end of it! One thing I'll mention here ( because my own friend/editor is grilling me for it in my own Fjollamir book, the ever-patient person that they are xD) is that you could use some expressions to go with the characters' dialogue. Like when Katherine is faced with the proposal, does she turn pale at the thought? Do her eyes widen? Eyebrows raised? Does she take a step back? Likewise with the king, does his cheeks burn red in anger? Does he pinch the bridge of his nose when he feels like he's losing his patience? Just little things like that would really help flesh out the conversations these people are having and make it more believable (and again, I could very well follow my own advice!) but I really enjoyed this chapter overall!

Thank you so much for the feeback. I do tend to avoid painting through pictures of conversations that the characters are having sometimes its deliberate. This does get better as the story progresses, but I could definitely be more detailed especially since this chapter is all about the conversation. There will be a lot of clashes between cultures as the story goes on as well, it continues to be a theme as Katherine tries to find her place in Zazzora.

Oh I like this one! Love seeing the slow introduction of new characters so we spend some time with them and get to know them -  Lady Exeter was very well desribed here, both in physical appearance and how she talks/acts. Obviously she hasn't someone of Katherine's like and is well-accustomed to the customs of her world. She comes across as proficent in her field (I have no idea about costume designing lol, but speaking of dimensions, concept sketches and fabric swatches really gave me an idea of what she does and how she does it.)

The little bit about Lucas got me a little bit. Not gonna lie. Great harkback to the first chapter and her situation before she ended up in Zazzora. It's great to remind readers of beats like that!

Don't have much to critique here! The only thing I'd really even say is that the chapter feels like it ends really quickly. I thought there would be more after the brief introduction with Galena, but that's obviously what the next chapter is for xD This is really enjoyable (and I hope my constant comments aren't grating lmao)

Honestly, Lady Exeter does become a close friend of Katherine. The whole chapter is about clothes and centers around that. However, for Katherine its about being comfortable. This chapter while might not seem important immediately, and it is certainly very short. It follows this theme of Katherine trying to feel comfortable, this theme resurfaces in many ways. She's supposed to be this Hero, but she keep encountering all of these obstacles and she's alone in a world that she is incredibly differnent from what she knows. This does progress further in later chapters, but I don't want to spoil anything.

OK so I just took a quick look at this and there's a really interesting fight scene at the center of this chapter, and I like the message that comes with it! You write both characters fairly equally - Katherine recieves some damage for example - and it further reinforces the divide between men and women in Scogrys. Katherine's been written as a pretty confident person this entire time, so mocking Pellaton before their duel comes accross as natural (and it's nice to see a character who struggles with panic attacks and anxiety *also* display traits like this, making them much more multidimensional). 

Karl is an interesting addition to the roster! The revelation at the end of the chapter was a genuine surprise, but it opens up intriguing possibilities for the character considering what's at stake if their secret is discovered. You're peppering in these new intriguing details throughout the book which makes people want to continue through the book and that's really great to see! 

A few things though; I felt the leadup to the duel with Sir Pellaton happened very very fast, I'd maybe sprinkle in a few more bits of conversation with Deur to flesh him out a bit more - maybe he actually attempts a backflip and succeeds/fails? Other characters could get time to shine here? Or even describe the sights and sounds of the training ground - do other knights practice with real swords or wooden ones? Do they practice sparring with each other or on targets? The weather - because the start of this chapter just feels a little rushed. 

While the fight itself is really good, you can add to it! Maybe even have Katerine escape from the clutches of defeat - like if Pellaton actually succeeds in locking her into a hold but manages to escape, or she tries to lock in an armbar while he's down but he overpowers her, etc. For someone who's clearly athletic with backflips, would Katherine try leg kicks to the liver or to the head in an effort to incapacitate him? You have a solid foundation already here in this chapter but you can really flesh out their individual fighting styles, especially since fighting will probably be a big component in future chapters! 

Another tiny detail, but there's a tiny bit of repetition in how Pellaton and Katherine land blows by elbowing in the face. It took me out just a little bit. 

These might look like big gripes but they're only small details in what's a great chapter overall! and I'm sorry for the absolute essays I constantly leave on your project xD This is a very good project you have here and I hope you keep it up!

I really apreaciate all of your feed back. I meant to say this the last time that you commented, every bit of feedback makes not just my story better but it helps me learn to write better. I apreciate all of your help. Honestly I have thought that this chapter was missing something for a long time, I just couldn't put my finger on it. I thought that the fight scene was okay, but honestly I always thought there could have been more. I just didn't want to go to overboard with Katherine's first fight scene.

I haven't had any pay off for that Karl's story arch yet, but it is a possible plot point that could come into play. There are lots of those as time goes on. Plot points that take a while to pay off, or even pay off in unexpected ways.

Honestly, right now I'm brain storming what should be going on in Chapter 22 and one of the plot points I'm considering tying up is Karl's. If it works out she might not have to hide being a woman. Katherine gets a lot more politcal pull in later chapters. I was planning on Karl having a female love interest too.

Oh absolutely! I'm working on a trilogy at the moment and I always think it's perfect and then my long-suffering editor points out 27 things wrong xD There's always something to learn, but seriously what you have here is good! 

Karl definitely deserves a full character arc, please do tie up their loose ends! xD Definite a great introduction for the character! Can't wait to see what you come up with!

I would like my story to be part of a trilogy or series too. I mean I'm 21 chapters in and while the plot is going forward it is going very slowly. Also the Old Gods are powerful and there are four in particular that Katherine would need to defeat. 

There are also several character driven story archs that I believe are important, and I want to finish. There are also characters that getintroduced later in on that I kind of fall in love with, and weren't originally meant to major parts or the story.

Just taking a quick look into this chapter - I haven't read it fully yet but will make more time for it - but what I see immediately is the introduction of other characters. What I'm actually really starting to see in your work is that you're quite good at slowly introducing the cast and giving them time to shine in their introductory chapters. Everyone had time to speak and comment and mingle together, and the orphans have distinct personalities (Jason tries his best to be mannerly and courteous, while Asta hates being the youngest of the group) so we have a great idea of who they are from the moment you introduce them. This was a really good example of creating great characters so well done there! 

Tying in Karl to this arc was a neat little touch. I won't mention his circumstances in this comment in case other people here want to read, but even the simple things like staying silent and shrugging when asked a question gave readers a knowing nod as to how he knows Mistress Adelaide. The ending was also... mysterious! Again great use of a cliffhanger to get readers to continue your story. This feels like a side-quest, but a really well fleshed-out one!

Just a few things I've noted here; as we've continued reading the story, it feels like the plot point with Matthias have been dropped? He's roaming around Zazzora but Katherine seems to have forgotten him. It would be great if there was even a line about him sprinkled into the chapters here and there - maybe a passing thought of what her friend would have thought of seeing orphans being neglected on the streets, or just wishing he was OK? 

Also another little niggle, but I would have put  "They were giving Katherine a tour of Rigolerri, the Capital of Scogrys." at the start of your second paragraph and then explain that she was being escorted by Sir Cathmore and Sir Moor?  I just didn't know where we were in your story for a while ^^'

Other than that, this is a very solid chapter that gave us some nice exploration and new plot points, and is actually getting better the more chapters I'm getting into it! Keep it up!

I tried to leave a comment yesterday, but I guess it didn't go through.

For my characters I try to do a fully fleshed out profile if I can. I do keep them flexible so I can go in and add or remove things if I need to. I do that with all character even the minor ones.

You are absolutely right about the Matthias plot. Though unintentional it did sort of get dropped. It certainly wasn't on purpose and I am trying to work on his journey since coming to Zazzora at the moment. He does get mentioned a bit more frequently later, and while Katherine doesn't appear to be openly searching for him she is trying to find him. I don't want to say to much, but there is a character who becomes really important later who has an information network that is trying to help her find him. I do need to mention him more than I do, or at least mention how worried Katherine is about him.

Yeah the characters seemed to have quite a lot of thought put into them, and it really shows! Also don't worry about characters going missing - we all do it with an ensamble of characters and I've accidentally dropped some of my own on more than one occasion ^^' Just re-read the chapter quickly and it flows much better now! Just gonna swing over to the next chapter!

Wow... I didn't expect this to go the way it did, but it really took a turn. The description of the room Katherine and company found themselves in was definitely unpleasant, but described very well. Mistress Rose buckles under any type of interrogation, and tries to convince herself that she's not as bad as the others by talking about giving her money back to the orphanage, but the orphanage is the one dealing with these shady acts! You left Mistress Adelaide out of it, which was absolutely the right decision because you can save her for a future confrontation. This section was great!

Lord Morvolo obviously has friends in high places, and has no qualms with breaking the law to meet his whims. It would be interesting to see if he survives the evidence Katherine had collected, or if he will be utilized as a recurring villian throughout the story. Your world is slowly becoming more harsh; first it was its treatment of women, then orphans and now slaves. It's all painting a world that could benefit from a fresh pair of eyes.

I need more time with the middle section of your chapter - when they actually storm the warehouse itself. I liked the approach the company took, but something just didn't gel with me. It might just be me! I'll try and circle back to it once I've read it a bit more. 

Also just a slight error here - 'she had clearly fought her captors with all her the might her little body could muster.'

This was a good chapter - especially the beginning and the end - and it did it's job of painting both the land and certain people in it in a darker light. Well done!
 

Thank you so much for the feedback. There definitely some parts that didn't land very well. I'll try to fix that. 

Also this is a reocurring theme. As you progress through the story you start to learn about the other Human Nations and their cultures. Some of these culture have some very dark sides to them. Slavery, indentured servitude, etc. Some of this gets addressed in the next chapter but there are huge differences in even how the nobles of Scogrys treat each other.

Lord Morvolo could be reocurring or at least a minion to another villian. I'm not so sure how this will play out. However, this chapter is a sort of turning point for Katherine. She makes a lot of friends, and a lot of enemies. I'm still ironing out some things for later chapters, I try to keep them as fluid as possible so I can edit freely. There might be certain events that are set in stone, but how they happen and who takes part in them could change. There have been times I reworked whole chapters because I realized that it would be better for a certain character to be involved, or because it didn't flow very well. I'm huge on character not being one time characters, they'll at least be mentioned again even if Katherine and her companions don't actually interact with them.

So, I had my comment all written up and ready to send here, but Sparkatale automatically logs users out after a certain time so when I posted it, it asked me to log back in again and I lost the comment ^^' 

To sum things up, this was an excellent chapter - dealing with the fallout of Morvolo and his slave trade being gutted, the world building with the introduction of Abraham from Guzeltir (where men and women are treated equally, in stark contrast to Scogrys) and gaining notable real estate all reads beautifully, and the cliffhanger sentence at the end was a perfect tie-in for Mathias.

There's a few spelling mistakes here and there that you might look into, and with the start of the chapter it feels like Morvolo losing his estate, the king replacing nobles and Katherine gaining Chateau Vertiver all happened really quickly. I'd sprinkle in some lines like "As time went on" or "As the weeks passed by" to flesh things out here, because politics is slow and it takes time for positions to be filled and protests to be organuzed. 

That's my only real critique here, this is an excellent chapter and it helps set up a lot of things for the reader. You should be proud of this one!

You know, you're right. I didn't outright say that this is occuring over an extended period of time. That was my intention. I'll get to work on fixing it as quickly as I can. My readers won't know that this is taking palce over a period of weeks unless I specify that for them.

I am glad that it does a lot in the way of world building. It also begins things for Katherine in the realm of politics. Abraham becomes an important and valuable advisor for Katherine.

I know that this chapter doens't have a lot going on but world building. It is incredibly important, and a turning point for Scogrys that wouldn't have occured if Katherine hadn't been summoned. It ties into the theme of Katherine struggling with the duties of being a hero. Which occurs regularly through the story.

Just took a quick look into this chapter, and it's pretty good! What struck me at first was the relationship Katherine and Abraham already have since the last chapter, and their dialogue was funny and sarcastic. Lady Lachlan was handled really well, both in your physical descriptions of her and her attitude. She appears to be acting in Katherine's best interests in the beginning, but then we see her true motives shine through with the introduction of Tevlan. Clearly a test that ruffled Katherine and Abraham's feathers, and the political consequences of accepting her gift could really upend her momentum. This was done really well, and you juggle new and old characters brilliantly.

Making a note of the other realms was another nice nod to worldbuilding - Marevalsig is clearly the polor opposite to Scogrys both in treatment of its citizens and the land itself - full of lush jungles for example - which was a nice contrast to what we got so far. Again, the political differences between the two - as well as the more neutral stance of Guzeltir - was really well defined.

Tevlan as a character is very interesting! You're quite good at introducing characters like this, and he comes with a rather huge caveat. Graceful and handsome as he is, he's clearly a threat, and he has really great potential as a character!

A few little niggles here - 1. The line 'Katherine replied. Then scribbled notes...' would look better if there was a comma after 'Katherine replied'  or even replace then scribbled with scribbling to make it flow better. 2. The sentence 'name her hadn’t been called ...' where the her should be changed. 3.The topic of slavery being common practice, and a good slave was highly valued, then the next sentence 'Hearing it from Lady Lachlan made Marevalsig sound like paradise.' reads that Katherine is OK with this practice. 4. The line 'not only can her turn into a wolf...' where the her needs to be changed. 5. The term 'his majesty’s most precious slave.' when the monarch in Marevalsig is a Queen so it should be Her Majesty? 

Quick edits aside, this chapter is another great one. You're juggling the wider politcal realm well with the everyday life of Katherine adjusting to this realm. Well done!
 

Abraham and Katherine's relationship developes rather quickly because he isn't Scogrian. He doesn't have any preconcieved ideas about who she is or how she should be. He is also is incredibly intelligent, and becomes a valuable ally for the most of Katherine's companion. He is super important to helping Katherine understand different perpectives about the world, about Human, and other races. He also makes her feel at home in a sense. It also gives us a chance to glimpse what Katherine is like when she isn't dubious of the people around her. This will happen when she meets Matthias again too (I'm still working on the details of that).

Tevlan is one of my favorite characters. I initially made him as a throw away character of sorts. Like cool he's a member of the party and is super strong. It also would have allowed them to meet more Louvandre. However, the more time that I spent making him, the more I fell in love with him. His design and backstory, that I can't talk about because it is referenced later, even the way that his character archs. By chapter 21 he's become an important part of the story, and has grown a lot even then.

 I will definitely work on those edits that you mention.

I tried to make the Human Nations very different. Then only true commonality between them is their race and relgion (mostly). They are very different countries and they interact with the world differently. I had to think really hard about the cultures I wanted in them, and how I would go about showing that. I am still ironing the details out, but I've got the main focus for all of the nations in mind. I also had to make a lot of maps, like so many maps.