Sparkatale

I very much love the fact that you've approached the matter of loss and grief and depression. To write a story dealing with mental health issues was very brave of you and I think a lot of people will take to it because of that because it's relatable. And I gotta say, you've set quite the plot for a first chapter and I'm eager to find out what happens next. It's all very touching, and if I had to give you one piece of advice, I'd say you might wanna paint emotions a little sharper around the edges so that the scene becomes believable. You're doing a great job! Fingers crossed for that competition you want to enter! I'm moving forward to the next chapter.

I'm afraid I'm rather confused about what you mean by making the emotions sharper around the edgers... would you mind giving an example? I'm a little slow to grasp things like that. 

Let me see if I can put it into words. It's a little hard to explain, since it's more a matter of feeling it rather than teaching it.

However, I think it's more tied to expressing feelings in the little things instead of the dialogs. For instance, instead of or besides saying ' I love you', you can try enhancing more the look in one's eyes, or the blushing of cheeks, or the little touches of the hands and the reactions they awaken in the other person. It's the little things that paint a picture. And when it comes to emotions, painting a complex picture is what makes your characters believable.

Hope this helps! As far as I read, the story has quite captivated me and I reaaaally dig the idea of parallel universe. Rock on, pal!

Much better than the prolog, I'm absolutely delighted with that fact.

We see the father, although we know that he strikes his son, you didn't paint him as this invulnerable monster. You gave him emotions, it was nice to see. (not the abuse he dealt, obviously, but the layers to his character.) Since we know of Xaphile, it only makes reading his current state here all the more depressing, but you did a good job with the sort of emotions one experiences with depression, you could see that his coping mechanisms are overwhelmed, and his decision to do what he did was completely understandable. 

Descriptions were nice, emotions and dialog nicely handled, the chapter itself was shorter than the prolog - I still had to will myself to read through it but it was easier this time - and most of my critiques from the previous chapter have been mended here. 

However, one thing I saw was It was the tragic end of a beautiful story. For me, this is romanticizing the horrible events Xaphile was in, which I would be very adverse to. As someone who has depression, reading that line didn't sit well with me. It's all well and good comparing these two to Romeo & Juliet, but Romeo & Juliet handled their situation like fools. This wasn't a beautiful story - it was an inescapable cage for him. I just had to say my piece there. Personally, I would remove that line altogether, but I can appreciate that I could be the only person who has that reaction. Other than that line, everything else looked good. A marked improvement.