Phantom, a Action story | SparkaTale

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Phantom

By: Zak Way

Status: In Progress

Summary:

A girl on the run, made infamous by the name of Phantom, narrowly escapes from an attempted search and destroy at Phoenix Industries lab in Northbeach. After finding things and people in impossibly strange places, a sudden realisation dawns on her, and she finds out what she wants more than revenge. Constructive Criticism is always useful.

Created: January 13, 2015 | Updated: January 31, 2015

Genre : Action

Language : English

Reviews: 0 | Rating:

Comments: 8

Favorites: 2

Reads: 3010

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    Comments / Critiques

    • Reply

      Good start, great original ideas. Would be nice to have a bit more descriptive writing about the scenes and places between the dialogue though. Keep it coming.

      January 16, 2015 | Giant Beardy Face

    • Reply

      I definitely will do this. I just like having a lot of dialogue for some reason, no idea why. I just like having it. But I have started to more in Chapter Five, as I was halfway through, and I will have more the whole way through Chapter Six. Thanks for the useful comment!

      January 16, 2015 | Zak Way

    • Chapter: 3 Reply

      definitely a good start on a book. It's exciting and I loved the action scenes! 

      this is like my type of "stress-free" reading lol It's very entertaining and I loved the organization of your ideas, especially when you presented a flashback through a dream. 

      Keep writing! ~

      January 14, 2015 | discarded account

    • Reply

      Thanks for the feedback. I will try to keep writing on a regular basis, but with Year 9 Exams coming up, starting on 22nd January, it may fall behind a little bit. But, as I said, thanks for the feed back!

      January 16, 2015 | Zak Way

    • Reply

      lol i didnt know you were in HS cx take your time in writing. Stress never helped me write lol 

      January 16, 2015 | discarded account

    • Chapter: 1 Reply

      Hi, so just as an FYI, I've been skimming a lot of the stories on Sparkatale lately, and I read the first paragraph of yours, and there's already one red flag that would make me put it down immediately in a bookstore. I absolutely hate when the character talks to the reader AND when any narrative starts by asking a rhetorical question and then refusing to answer it. Both things are just so annoying and can only be pulled off by VERY few writers (Kate DiCamillo uses the breaking-the-fourth-wall thing, for instance, but only for one of her kid's books). I would honestly just cut that entire thing out. Sorry if that's harsh but I figured you'd want to know if that was my impression just from the first paragraph since it's the most important. 

      January 18, 2015 | Catherine Rose Hillin

    • Reply

      Hi Catherine, thanks for the feedback. Some people may view it as harsh, but I think this is useful. I will take this into consideration and try to do less. I have done less through the later chapters already. But, again, thanks for the feedback!

      January 18, 2015 | Zak Way

    • Chapter: 1 Reply

      Pretty interesting so far! 

      I have to say that this isn't usually the types of stories I read, but I'm liking what I've read. This 'Phoenix Industries' group seems to be pretty powerful, and whoever challenges them seems to be in for quite the brutal journey, I'm sure!

      Besides that, all I really have to say concerning your writing would be to read it over. There are a few times where the tenses switch from present to past.

      Other than that, good job! :) 

      January 22, 2015 | Mighty (Emi) Pen (Valladarez)