Sparkatale

I like your start. Very mysterious. The way you described Ensis's beaches and Dylan's obsession with the number nine made me immediately interested. The way you called his leather jacket dark was effective, hinting at his emotions. His effect on the others and the way they react (they are so curious that they bribe the castle guards for information) is very interesting, and adds a little flavor to the story. I'm not sure how descriptive you wanted to be on terms of what the island looks like beyond what is on your cover picture, I can't tell whether it's an island or some kind of coastal settlement. Is it a settlement? How is there a castle on a beach? If you want to keep it vague and mysterious that also works, I'm just saying.

Thank you for your thoughts! I'll definitely come up with some descriptions for Ensis to help put the story in a little context. My thought right now is that there's a village that extends into a wharf along this beach, with a castle not far behind the main marketplace. It's probably not the largest castle ever, but I'll work more on these details, though.

When I first read this chapter, it felt formal and adult-like. I don't know why, maybe it was the vocabulary, or the way the adults seemed more important and how you described Richard's naievete. I'm not saying that I think it's a bad or good thing, that's just the way I see it, though I liked when you described Richard's thoughts. They were very fun to read and brought back memories of when I was a little boy. The scene at the end with the cookie made me laugh. Your plot line is nice, and the only thing I can think of is that personally I would like some physical descriptions, of Ensis and the Hendersons.

A very good start! Your descriptions are wonderfully detailed and really immerse the reader in the scene. One thing for improvement is possibly breaking up your first paragraph into two or three; at the moment it just feels a bit too much. Apart from that one incredibly little thing - awesome!

I like how this chapter shows that Dylan is an actual person with actual thoughts. It's still a little confusing though. My understanding is that Dylan has to do something until two years that will save his little sister and the kingdom, and he doesn't want to do it but nobody cares. Is his mom the queen? If so, where's the king? What is so special about turning 16 if he's been doing this silent vigil thing for a while? What was he doing in the courtroom? You said that he pledged to do it, but also spoke of it as a prophecy, something he was born to do. Nothing against the way you've laid this out. I'm just a stupid little fishy and tend to go for more direct plots. Your characters, while a little abstract in my eyes, were rather interesting. It's funny how Belle tried to mimic the ladies and how they were all talking over each other.

An interesting way to introduce the character.

A very short prolog, but I guess that it served its purpose. Maybe it would use a bit more descriptions.

My first impressions of the main character (I suspect he's the hero of the story) are that he's somewhat weird. I couldn't resist the urge to diagnose him with a personality disorder ;-) I'm wondering why he has that little quirk - is it just the way he is or did he experience something traumatizing perhaps? As odd as his behavior is, it sparked interest in him.

My only complaint would be that when you mentioned 99 seconds, telling that it's a minute and 39 seconds was redundant. It felt as though you assumed that your readers don't know how many seconds a minute has.

I love the narration! The words you use are old-fashioned and they suit the period in which the story is set. I found it very enjoyable to read this chapter even though it lacked crazy action or unexpected plot twists. The writing style itself was entertaining.

Ida Henderson is a very uptight woman. The way she thinks seems strange, but then again it's very believable since she's a lady from a good house. It was clear that she has sense of superiority even though the life isn't easy for her (I got that impression, Mary mentioned she wasn't dressed in furs).

So far little Richard is a bit bland and doesn't seem like an integral character - his mother just drags him around and ignores him when he's talking.

The hero showed up.

Currently, I'm wondering how will the Henderson family fit into saving the kingdom, but I guess I'll have to wait for the answers.

This chapter was quite mysterious and, I'm not going to lie, I'm completely confused about Dylan, his heritage and goal. All I know is that he has a task and this task is so important that he's under a lot of pressure of the court members. I don't know who exactly he is. Is he a prince? Is his mother a queen, an aristocrat with royal blood or queen's lady in waiting? It would be a good idea to state some facts clearly. Some mystery intrigues, but too much of them simply confuses. It's alright not to know why is Dylan so special, but it would be nice to know who he is.

His younger sister is adorable, makes me want a sister ;-)

I noticed that your POVs are not clear. First you described the surroundings through Richard's eyes, then you switched to Mary and then back to Richard. Usually it's preferred if you stick to a POV of one person. If you want to introduce POVs of different characters, it's good to separate them in a clear way - either put them in separate chapters or at least mark the change.

I'm glad that little Richard got to prove that he has thoughts. I find him adorable (nice one author, targeting women using small children) and very obedient, but I didn't expect any naughtiness from a boy raised by Mrs. Henderson. I keep wondering how Richard's fate will be tied to Dylan's.

I suspect that Mary will somehow get involved as well, maybe even she'll become a love interest for Dylan (aren't they in the same age?).

Oh, there's another chapter. Sorry. It's nice how the chapter was through Richard's point of view. The thoughts were very child-like, but you still made it a most enjoyable chapter. I particularly liked the part about little Richard thinking that he was dreaming, and how you described it as horrible, secret fear. It's interesting how he's very polite. A lot of six-year-olds are monsters. If there's anything else you would like to see in these comments, like analysis/interpretation or suggestions, let me know.  

I enjoyed reading this story a lot. I am just sad that I am leaving this website in a few days, and will not be able to continue it. The part with Dylan was so intriguing. I don't have a proper feel for his character yet, but I can tell that he will be a great hero one day. Your descriptions were so wonderfully enticing that I did not have a single doubt as to what the scenery looked like.