Sparkatale

I liked this a lot! It was very interesting. They are all separate from each other, but interrelate. They address some interesting and deep topics. I really liked the first poem as the start of the collection.

Thank you so much for letting me know! I didn't check. But they are. I copied the text from Microsoft and I guess...well...it ended up with two of the same chapter. And actually, I skipped chapter 2. They are both chapter 3. 

This was great! I loved how descriptive it was. In fact, it was so well written that I could picture it in my head- which made some of the first bit a little bit disturbing. I was a little concerned about where it would go when they caught her. 

So far, I hate her classmates and feel kind of sorry for her. But, mostly I'm loving that she put up a good fight even though she doesn't see herself as being as strong or capable. She also didn't do the other thing girls tend to do in situations like this (in bad or annoying books and movies) she didn't try to fight them anyway. So, no crying and falling apart pathetically, and no trying to over-take them when it was impossible. She fought, she ran, and she saved herself. 

All good signs of a strong female character. And it seems like those are rarer than they should be. 

I can't wait to read the next chapter. 

Just a personal request, more than a suggestion, perhaps you could explain more about Aer. It sounds a lot like simple magic, but I get the feeling it is more specific and more complicated. 

I like this so far. It is moving a little fast, it would be nice to have some more details about the places she has been. 

Like, does the world she is in now look like ours. Is it more like the world of Lord of the Rings (I couldn't think of a better way to explain it). What kind of technology/tools are available? If they have cages, they have to have some level of skills. Or is it just a very dark, different world. 

Also, just a note about a previous chapter. You say the mirrors have images in them. Wouldn't that technically make them windows, not mirrors? Since mirrors are reflective. 

Also, you have introduced a lot of characters. (Well, a fair amount.) 

But they seem to disappear as soon as they appear. Her friends and family from the real world. Quinn and the random little girl. The girl she met whose name I can't spell without looking at it that was a slave. 

This is fine, but it does seem like it will make developing them later on harder. So, if the characters are important it might be good to go back over some of the things about them. Even if it is just her recollecting things about them.

Because, as an example, all I can really recall about Quinn is that she likes him and he sounds kind of like the stereo-typical, good looking popular guy at school. But, that doesn't explain why she likes him or who he is. 

I like the names for things and people. They sound very original and unique, which I think helps to show just how different this world is from ours. 

There are some slight grammar issues, but they seem like they would be noticeable if you read through it again. 

I'm captivated so far. I want to know more about what Iggy is. I will use 'he' as a personal pronoun since it seems like Iggy doesn't really have a permanent gender. 

I am also interested in learning about his age and back story. Like, where are his parents, if they raised him where did they go, if they didn't how did he find out what he was. Also, how do these creatures change bodies? 

I also really like The Voice. Not in a way that would mean I desire any interaction with it, but I do find it funny. 

I like where you are going so far with this. Though, I do find it a little confusing. Sometimes he is narrating, sometimes he is talking to himself, and sometimes he is talking to The Voice. The Voice is in italics, which is helpful. But, maybe you could put the parts where he is talking to The Voice in bold. 

I don't know if anyone else has had this issue. 

Also, you described Ash. But I don't remember too much about Iggy besides him being a kind of "good boy" type. Perhaps, you could expand on that if you don't already. 

So far, I find this really interesting. I like the way that you have followed the vial across different characters, but still brought them each to life as individuals. 

I would like to know more about why the virus was created in the first place, and what it is that the first carrier had agreed to. But, I may just not have gotten to that yet. 

 

Some of these are a result from the fact this is a collaboration. (I have approval from the other person I am writing with to post this, of course.) But, so when we changed between us sometimes we cut off things that the other person started. 

However! A lot of them, have a solution that involves her sister/sister's back story. That will come up later. So, we can fix them! Even though they are not intentional. (Though are too some extent cause we wanted the main character to seem kind of naive for not questioning these things herself.)

Thanks for letting me know. There were a couple I had caught already, others I hadn't and there are some issues like this that come later that I am aware of and trying to solve as many as I can before I post the next chapters on here.

Anyway, I don't know if I reviewed yours yet. I think I read something...but I will ASAP! :)

This was really hard to type on my phone. There should be an APP. 

Thanks so much! I know the summary kind of sucks. I hate writing them. And since if I write them, they are mainly for fictionpress. So, there is only like 180 characters allowed. I will try and write a better one. :) Thanks for the feedback. 

I like it. It is interesting. I want to know how Kim and Ira know each other, because they really don't seem like friends and yet she saved her...so much potential there. 

Just a couple things to note...

“trying not to focus on the pain IN her side” It has on, not in. This is towards the beginning. 

“Ira let her index finger go down until Kim’s throat, then, pushed her against the trunk.” Go down Kim’s throat, go down until it was all the way down Kim’s throat. Something needs to be changed or added to make this sentence clear.