Status: In Progress
Summary:
Created: September 22, 2013 | Updated: October 14, 2013
Genre : Supernatural
Language : English
Reviews: 0 | Rating:
Favorites: 1
Reads: 2051
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| 1: | 1 | 2631 |
| 2: | 2 | 2071 |
| 3: | 3 | 1678 |
| 4: | Chapter 4 | 1091 |
| 5: | Chapter 5 Part 1 | 778 |
| 6: | Chapter 5 Part 2 | 937 |
| Total Wordcount: | 9186 |
Reviews (0)
Comments / Critiques
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So look to the chapter comments for specifics, but this was pretty good. Lily can be pretty funny at times and I like that in a character. I also like your descriptions on being turned and her waking up in the coffin. There were a few spots that I think you could add a bit more detail or narration to (like the explanation of being a vampire), but otherwise this was a good start. Actually I will say that it is a lot better than most vampire stories that tend to get a little too cliche and present nothing original. So nice work.September 25, 2013 | D.M. Gergen
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Thank you! I'm glad that it's not too cliche! I want my vampires to be my own creations. :DSeptember 25, 2013 | Lissy Popolow
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Hmmm...seems my book comment didn't post? Well in either case, for the first two chapters great descriptions particularly in the parts where she was being turned and waking up in the coffin. I feel you could have added a little more to the whole "you're a vampire" conversation. As a main character, Lily is really nicely done. Thank you for making her have a sense of humor as well.September 25, 2013 | D.M. Gergen
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Chapter: 1 Reply
Hello, saw you wanted feedback on stories so this will be the little nit-picky grammar things for this chapter. Watch your dialogue grammar. There a few places with a speaking verb where you end with a period instead of a comma. Also I caught two verb tense changes in this chapter. Minor things, but worth editing if you upload elsewhere/publish. This paragraph - I grabbed my smartphone from my purse and snapped a few photographs of the delicate sky. It took a couple of tries until I captured some decent pictures as my hand was shaking. Putting clothes on racks, folding them, and scanning them often took a toll on my hands. They’d be OK in about ten minutes. - felt choppy to me. I wouldn't necessarily get rid of it but maybe reword it a bit or add some so it flows more smoothly.September 25, 2013 | D.M. Gergen
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Thank you so much! I'll go work on it because I intend to someday publish the finished book. :DSeptember 25, 2013 | Lissy Popolow
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Chapter: 2 Reply
Hello, saw you wanted feedback on stories so this will be the little nit-picky grammar things for this chapter. Watch your dialogue grammar. There a few places with a speaking verb where you end with a period instead of a comma. Also I caught two verb tense changes in this chapter. Minor things, but worth editing if you upload elsewhere/publish. This paragraph - I grabbed my smartphone from my purse and snapped a few photographs of the delicate sky. It took a couple of tries until I captured some decent pictures as my hand was shaking. Putting clothes on racks, folding them, and scanning them often took a toll on my hands. They’d be OK in about ten minutes. - felt choppy to me. I wouldn't necessarily get rid of it but maybe reword it a bit or add some so it flows more smoothly.September 25, 2013 | D.M. Gergen
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Chapter: 2 Reply
Watch your tenses again. Here's one spot where you switched from past to present -Shit. I’m so confused! So confused… Scared. I’m scared. I’m so scared!- Unless this is her thoughts. Then I might change how you write it (IE use the single quotes, italicize it, or something to distinguish it from the normal narration).September 25, 2013 | D.M. Gergen
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Thank you! Yes, they are her thoughts. I forgot to italicize them. Thank you so much! Your comments are very helpful! :DSeptember 25, 2013 | Lissy Popolow