Sparkatale

K So I'm just gonna go through the errors and what not quickly:

1. it just, well, ended up designated to start here- this sentence is pretty awkward
2. “But your way of saving the planet is sick! Its mass murder!”- Perhaps make a reference to another mass killing.
3. We struggled at six billion- here, you don't need the repetition of the word 'billion' you can just leave it after six, because the billion was stated earlier in the sentence.
4. We’re kids for God’s sake! Marena demanded,- here, it may be more realistic for her to say her age instead of just 'kids', 'we're only fifteen for God's sake!
5. If I told you the government lies I would hope you wouldn’t be surprised. Only, it wasn’t just our government. Truth is, when we broke ‘eight billion’ in January it was us breaching the ten billion mark.- The only flaw I see in this is that previously, when they saw the number on the wall, they knew it was the population. They wouldn't have thought it to be the population if they thought that the population was only at 8 billion.
6. to maintain the charade she had going of remaining calm, for she was anything but calm inside.- a little awkward again, perhaps 'remaining calm, even though she was anything but.'

7. They were alone again, once again clocked in a suppressive silence- clocked -> cloaked
8. "Because the minute you step outside of this building they will kill at least half of you.”- realistically, by the time the government found out about the contamination and the carriers, the kids would be long gone. The government would not have been able to send the police, and have the police actually arrive there, in this short amount of time. Even excluding the government, the police would not have made it to the CDC in that short of a time span.
9. basically laying waste to the room.- you don't need the word 'basically' in here.
10. With the thought of the virus now coursing through her veins being released with the push of a button she didn’t want to allow anyone to press another.- this sentence is really awkward, I'm not even sure how to fix it.
11. Despite her twig composure Marena was easily the stronger of the two- 'twig composure' doesn't really work, and since we already know her to be thin, you can just say 'Despite her figure, Marena was...'
12. the exit which used to seem so close seemed to suddenly grow so far away.- this is a cliche
13. It horrified her how just once accident- once -> once
14. could potentially end the life she’d been a part of for several years- i think this sentence may make sense if you change 'the life' to 'a life', but even then, I'm not entirely sure what you are trying to achieve with this sentence.

Sorry if this seems mean today, I don't try to I'm just kind of tired. Another good chapter though, albeit I didn't like it as much as the first two.

Hey, thanks for reading and reviewing.Ya, it's a creepy one. I wrote it for a contest in my program. Stacy slipped in the pool and Charlotte pulled her out. I doesn't explicitly say it so it makes sense if you were a little confused, but you mostly had it right, especially about Daphne. As for the end,the doctor cut's Daphne's string. Is that hard to get from that? Ie. should I make Charlotte see him actually cut the string?

Thanks again for reviewing, I really appreciate it. :D

Haha, thanks for reading all my jibber jabber. I always find the first few chapters are the most prone to little slip-ups since you write them first and don't have the characters as defined as you would later on. I really do hope I'm helping a bit, even though you don't need it much, this is already a pretty solid piece. :D

Thanks for reading and reviewing!
I've never thought about it that way before but I definitely see what you're saying. I guess you're right that the man knows almost nothing about her but still puts her above every other person. Great insight, this is probably one of my favourite things I've ever written and I never saw that before so thanks!

Alrighty, Chapta 2
1. When you say 'every time she coughed the intense pain in her throat refreshed...' I get what you're trying to say, refresh like refreshing the page of your internet browser kind of thing, but as I read that part my thoughts went immediately to the the word refresh as a relief, ie. drinking water refreshes you. Maybe that's just me but I was thrown off by that because I thought you were using refresh's positive connotation, even though it is supposed to be negative.
2.'struggling to inhale, get air back into her lungs...' saying that part after the comma is redundant. :P
3. 'and the lack of knowledge about it was terrifying.' is a little awkward, may i suggest 'and their lack of knowledge was terrifying' ?
4. 'Encasing Katrina's pupuls was an odd ring, almost looking like the...' the word 'looking' can be taken out of this sentence without any consequences to your grammar. In my personal opinion, the sentence is stronger without the word.
5. this chapter is pretty much fantastic so far, aside from the occasional odd wording of sentences, here's another one: 'she was on the verge of a true meltdown' it sounds a little... idk how to describe it... but i think a better word would be 'hysterical' in the place of 'true' ie. 'a hysterical meltdown' or something like that.
6. You use order as a dialogue tag again when the tv man tells Carson that they are carriers. He's not ordering them so much as he is... i guess informing them? or some word similar to that
7. Next, when the tv guy tells them that he cannot guarantee their morality from other humans, he says it in a way that makes you have to think about it because he is using raised language. What I mean by this is that, more than likely one of the nine would say something to clarify what he meant, so like: 'You mean other people will want to hurt us?' or something like that.
8. I found what I think is a missing word: 'It was, well, not ready to be released when one of triggered infection.'
9. Just read the population thing. AMAZING!
10. When you say that Shay swears a lot, I kind of find this an issue of Show vs. Tell, because Shay hasn't been swearing much throughout the first two chapters, perhaps add a bit in so that this doesn't seem so offputting?
11. She/he error: 'she'd found he could be just as ruthless with HIS words as she could.'

Alrighty, that's what I found. I hope you don't think I'm being mean, cuz I'm really not trying to be. I'm actually really enjoying this. Thanks for writing it!

Hey,

So I read this a while ago but I didn't have internet so I couldn't respond. I really enjoyed reading this and I think you added some nice details in here that really made me keep reading. I did however find a few things that I wanted to tell you about. You said you wanted a review and I try not to half-ass anything so get ready for an essay. Lol, I really hope you appreciate it though, because I did enjoy reading and reviewing this.
Firstly, I really liked the opening, how you start with the futuristic aspect and then dive into the descriptions that seem unfuturistic, that really made me curious as to how the word had advanced and how it would ultimately effect the characters.
Next, I found the phrase 'the wafting smell of waffles' to be a little jarring because of how close the two words together are in sound. I think this may have been intentional but it sounds a little off. I think a different breakfast food might be better here.
Next, this phrase 'ruin her chances of a car for her upcoming birthday.' I think should be 'ruin her chances of getting a car...'
K so now, let's talk about Carson, I kind of get the feeling that Shay doesn't really like her boyfriend. I'm not sure if this one is intentional or not, but I feel as though there should be more connection or chemistry between the two characters past the first two paragraphs describing him. The dialogue between them makes him come across as harsh, although this could be fixed (possibly) if he has his arm around her or kisses her forehead or something.
Next thing I noticed is a small one, when Kyleigh says 'Now, if you don't mind, I'm trying to hide!' You have the dialogue tag as 'she ordered,' but Kyleigh's dialogue isn't actually an order.
After that I noticed that Owen's physical description is similar to Carsons, you even use the same words. This is fine to do, but you would have to point out that they look similar or else it seems off that the same words would be unintentially used for different characters. ie. Eyes too big for face, long hair is too long.
Another little one: the phrase 'Never before had a kid vomiting been viewed as convenient' may sound less awkward if you rewrite it as 'Never before had a kid vomiting been a convenience.'
Haha, I found a valley girl 'like' in the narration. 'She was twig thin like Marena, but only LIKE five three in height.' maybe change 'like' to 'about'. :P
I love the phrase 'metallic whine' I never could describe that noise, but you've done it perfectly.
Alright another little issue I have is when they all magically flock to the box. I think it may be a bit more believable if Owen says 'What is this?' and then someone says 'Oh cool' and runs over and then someone follows and then people are interested in the buttons and what not but too scared to touch anything, meanwhile Shay, Carson and Marena stay back a bit and while Shay chimes in with a 'guys we should head back' or something, either Carson or Marena, or both, should tell her to lighten up and pull her to the box. That way it's not like, 'oh cool, everyone was drawn to the box. May the force be with you yada yada'. Ya know?
Alrighty, last bit of constructive criticism (hopefully) is that I think you should kick the last paragraph to the curb. I think it should just end at 'releasing virus' and leave your reader in an 'AH SHIT' moment. And then start with the pain in the next chapter, or a memory of the pain. I haven't read the next chapter so I can't suggest anything specific but ya, the virus dialogue is a real kicker and you should end the chapter off as strong as possible, which, I think anyways, is with the voice speaking as the final line in the chapter.

Sooooooooooooooooooo... take your time reading through that. haha, sorry that I'm so picky. Hope the next chapter makes me want to keep reading as much as this one did. All in all, fantastic start. I'm intrigued. ;)

Wow, That comment is really discouraging for someone new to this site. Was there anything at all that you liked or were you so overwhelmed by the fact that there was a mass of thought that you couldn't actually read it? Please let me know, but keep in mind that this series of stories isn't at all supposed to be like average short stories, hence why it's only dialogue and thought. I tried to get into the head of the character who has the 'unsaid words' and so I purposely did the massive paragraph(s), because I know that many people do not organize their thoughts into well-planned paragraphs and so I tried to make it seem realistic to ones thoughts, which are sometimes an incomprehensible mass. I'm truly sorry if you didn't like this, some chapters do not have these masses at all. If you'd like to read something a little more structured, then my other book is of actual short stories. I would hope that you could appreciate the effort I put into that collection of stories and perhaps provide me with some constructive criticism about what worked for you and what didn't specifically. Thanks for taking your time to read (if you did, I'm not entirely sure based on the discouragement you felt) and thank you for reviewing.

Thanks for your reviews, I really appreciated them. I'm happy that you enjoyed them.