Sparkatale

To see more of my thoughts on the story you can read my book review (probably should have put it here instead but you know I thought of at a later time) The reason why I didn't give it five stars is because while it is a great concept, a great plot and such, some of the wordings you use and the hard time I had at first in understanding the characters threw me off a little bit. I wouldn't however say that someone should not read it because of that. If someone has the time I suggest they read this story because it is an amazing one. Great job! ~Nava-Desen ps I'm also that type of person who almost never gives out 5 stars

The story is very well told and also has an interesting plot around it. Despite the idea of zombies being used a lot now, and therefore having people not want to read it because of that, this story keeps the reader wanting to know. You only tell what needs to be told and therefore there are a lot of questions that need to be answered. There are the errors here and there with writing but it is very good even with those errors. The characters are very catching in the sense that they are both different yet they are the same. I'm interested in seeing where this story will go because it seems there is a lot left to it. I hope to read more soon. ~Nava-Desen

Hello! Sorry it took me so long to actually do this, I have been busy lately but here it goes (hope it helps):

 

The idea is a great one, its something that hasn't been done very many times before and eve if it did it is told in such a way that it makes the reader want to read it. The way you begin is very catching because it makes the reader want to understand the story and why that is being said. That being said there also seems like the mystery that is there is slightly confusing. It seems like they way you are saying it is suppose to be that way but cleaning it up a little might help what you are trying to get at a little more.

There aren't that many errors in the stories besides for the random capitalizations of certain words that should be (I do that all the time too). It doesn't happen that often but just be careful of it.

There are also cases were the world choice seems slightly off. It's like you are trying to get at an idea but you can't get at because of the way you say it and thus what you want to say gets a little confused. Take the time to go back and think about those sentences a little more.

Overall: The story is a great one at that. If you fix up the random errors and the way you go about saying things at different times I'm sure it would be even better. I enjoyed reading what I did read and I will probably go back and read more now. 

 

~Nava-Desen

Thanks for saying that. ^_^ Hope it continues to please you. 

Thank you so much for that review. I tried hard to allow the reader to grasp the concept of how she felt. Yes, the purpose the narrator had is suppose to be confusing and lost to add to the effect. Also you comment about the wordiness really brightened my day there, so thank you.

Now in regards to the title I am not even sure myself. I typed it in like that out of almost a sense of instinct and therefore I'm not even sure myself (as strange as that sounds). I am contemplating on changing it to Frozen because yeah that is the real word but I don't know. 

As for the continuation of this, it was originally suppose to be just a one time thing but now a plot has been forming since I published it so who knows.

Thanks again.

Yeah I know how hard it is to write on things like that. I tried to write something from an IPad once and it didn't go over so well.

It was very interesting and almost no errors that I could find personally. I can't wait to read more of it. 

1. When you talk about having to go looting again there isn’t the normal space between paragraphs that there normally is.
2. “been holeing up down…” I’m not sure what you mean by holeing up….is it suppose to be holding up? or something like that?

Your writing style is very good and interesting. The story seems to be coming along nicely as well. Good job ^-^

This chapter was good as well however there seemed to be more grammatical errors than normal for you. Take your time reviewing it and sometimes reading it the next day will help you see the errors more, unless you already do that. ^-^

1. "Why didn't he tell us before?" Tell us? I think you meant me. ^-^
2. “my side my I tried to lift it.” I think there should be an as instead of a my.
3. “I fell back wards,” backwards shouldn’t have a space in it.
4. “She fell on her back an started to her back up but I didn't get her a chance.” The sentence seems like you were interrupted mid thought and started over. It should be something like this, “She fell on her back and she tried to get back up but I didn’t give her the chance.”
5. “out of the ally,” ally should be spelt alley.
6. “ so I didn't known.” it should be know not known.

Oh no, thank you for that. I tend to have a hard time reading and correcting myself. Also wordiness is my biggest problem. Thanks for the help ^_^

This chapter didn't have many errors and the reveal of the important facts were nice. I enjoyed it and has gotten me to start thinking. Good job. Here are the errors I noticed but very good chapter overall. :)

1. “With a good enough jump I should be able to grab the top.” Seems like it is a thought but you use it as normal text. Either change the setting to something like, “I noticed that with a good enough jumped I would be able to grab the top.” Or make it so she is talking.
2. “already known about my, we'll I guess you could call it immunity” It should be well not we’ll.

I could just say the same thing that I do every chapter but here I will just do this. :)

1. At the part where Lauren begins to tell her story you forget an “I continued, “At…””
2. not shortly after that you say “me and my grandparents” when it should be “my grandparents and I”
3. “I remember Running…” the running should not be capitalized.
4. Later in that same paragraph you say “...anymore want to be honest….” and it should but a but instead of want.
5. “No Donn’t…” should be don’t.

This chapter was also very good and I didn't find many errors again. I am enjoying the story so far, it's interesting and the reaction between the characters is great. 

 

1. “He nodded to me, shrugged his pack off his shoulders, and walked over and placed it and his bow near the corner where I had tossed my own pack.” This seems like the sentence is too busy. It should be something like this, “He nodded to me, shrugged his pack off his shoulders, walked over to the corner where I tossed my own pack and placed it down along with his bow.” or something like that.
2. Some point near the middle of the document where they are leaving the house you are missing the spaces between the paragraphs that you normally have.
3. “The town was vacant there weren't even any zombies around which was making me a little nervous. For an hour or so hours we walked in total silence passing by abandoned cars and broken storefront windows” With this section you want to change it a little bit. Add a period between vacant and there because there seems like there should be a break. also after “For an hour” or so that extra hour shouldn’t be there.
4. “stubbs” in the paragraph that starts with “That just left…” should not be capitalized.

This chapter was very good, I personally didn't notice many errors at all. Here are the errors I noticed though:

1. The beginning sentence I feel like there should be a period after the end of “nearest to us, a white.” I think it should go like this, “nearest to us. It was a white…”
2. at “The Windows” near the beginning, windows shouldn’t be capitalized.
3. Later in the sentence at “right-most window and the glass in it was shattered long ago,” seems like it should be something like this, “right-most window with the glass in it shattered a long time ago.” You’re sentence seems a little bit confusing when reading it. This is probably more of an opinion than anything.

Happy to hear you like my advice. Here are my thoughts on chapter two. I still like the way the story is going however i have a suggestion before I show you the grammatical errors. When you are having Lauren thinking maybe change it to italic or something to show that it is in her thoughts and not out loud. Here are the grammatical errors I found:

1. When you say “at the distance between him and the exit and me” it should be “at the distance between him, the exit, and me”.
2. When you say “I pushed of one wall of the alleyway,” add a period and start a new sentence, “...wall of the alleyway. The force…”
3. “The force brought me to the other side of the ally which I pushed off of as well and managed to grab the bottom rung of the fire escape with my fingers.” The sentence seems a little bit confusing, maybe something like, “The force brought me to the other side of the alley where I pushed off again, managing to grab the bottom rung of the fire escape with my fingers.” By changing it to again it shows the reader that the action from the previous sentence was repeated.
4. In the following sentence, “I quickly started to climb bits of…” add a comma between climb and bits to add a pause and help with the idea.
5. “I backed up from the edge just as he pulled himself onto the roof,” can change to “I backed up from the edge of the roof as he pulled himself onto it.” It removes the weird feeling the sentence gives because of the ending and still gets the idea across.
6. “I was just about to turn and run, I don't know where to, maybe I would jump to the roof the the neighboring building when he spoke.” The sentence seems to be a mix of different thoughts instead of all together. Maybe something along the lines of this could help, “I was about to turn and run but I didn’t know where I could. I considered the idea of jumping to the roof of the neighboring building when he spoke up.”
7. “bow slung over his shoulder that I hadn't noticed in the drugstore and he had a hiker's backpack on.” The sentence seems too close to a run on, try something like this, “...bow slung over his shoulder that I hadn’t noticed in the drugstore. He also had a hiker’s backpack on.” That pause really helps in making the facts clear.
8. When the main character is speaking you are missing a comma at the part “squinting my eyes at him, “How do you…””
9. At the very end of the chapter your forgot to put the closing “ on Lauren’s words.

Alright this chapter has a good introduction but I noticed a few grammatical errors. Don't get me wrong it is engaging and makes the reader want to know some more, but with the errors fixed it would be even better. Here are the errors I personally found (some are suggestions)(also i don't mean to sound offensive or mean so please don't take it that way):

1. Not “chewed off or blown off” but “chewed or blown off”"
2. The sentence should end there. “chewed or blown off. Whatever did it…” or add something like “chewed or blown off, but whatever did it…”
3. “Poor thing” should have a comma after it so “Poor thing,” I thought….”
4. Later in that sentence “...bumping into thing here and there”. Things should have an s on it.
5. Instead of “and moaning softly” you could put “while moaning softly.” (just a suggestion there)
6. “Be glad you're still alive not and they're the ones who are dead." there is a mix up in this sentence. It should be something like “Be glad you’re still alive. They’re not.” or something along those lines. The not that is put in makes the sentence not flow.
7. Put an I before “Turned my attention”
8. “I just wasn’t worth it,” should be, “It just wasn’t worth it.”
9. The sentence after there could be a comma after the no for a pause to make it flow better.
10. “try to gab me” should be “try to grab me”
11. “for that matter” at the end of “the loss of her arm…” isn’t needed because the rest before it does a good job of getting the feeling. The ending seems to mess up the flow

 Hope that helps and going to read more now. Hope this helps you ^-^

~Nava-Desen

@Tyrell Weinmann Thank you for your comments and the review. I'll take that advice into consideration when working on a story again. Also happy to hear you got out of it what I wanted the reader to get out of it. Thanks again for reading ^.^