Sparkatale

I've reached as much as I can read. This is in need of a massive edit. It's going to take a lot of work. Things aren't explained clearly at all. If you like, if you send me the first chapter and I will edit it on word using the track changes options so you can see what I did and apply it to the rest of your work.

For now, I would say your plot has interesting moments, but it's marred by the poor grammar.

1. You need to review your grammar and edit, edit, edit. I recommend "Elements of Style". It's a must read for all writers in general. In particular, actions before dialogue require a period. For instance: He grabbed my hand. "Stop!" Dialogue tags get a comma. For instance: He yelled, "Stop!"

2. Why are you calling it "neko"? First off, none of the characters so far are Japanese. Fortunately, I've taken five years of Japanese so I knew what you were talking about, but will the layman reader? No. Call a cat a cat. You are writing in English. Any and all foreign words should be in italics as well, and limit those to about 1 instance every 10K or so words. No one wants to read a work littered with words they don't understand. You may have defined it once, but are they going to remember that one word? Not likely. Keep it simple, keep it moving. Exceptions are items like food, which, if not common, should be italicised. Sushi is common and not in italics. Takoyaki is uncommon and should be in italics.

3. "comes my <insert pronoun> voice" is not a good dialogue tag. Try to limit dialogue tags and change them to action tags. Actions drive stories. Dialogue tags limit it.

4. You do too much telling and not enough showing. I get a little bored with too much telling. Also, too many exclamation points tire the reader. Try to limit those for only the most vital moments.

5. I'm not really sure what's going on. I'm not a fan of prologues in the first place, and even after reading both chapters twice I'm still confused about the plot.

6. I have no clue what is going on in these scenes. Some scene descriptions would be nice, even if they are very basic.
 

7. I'm going to read on a bit further to give you a better critique about plot and characters, but so far the grammar issues are distracting me from the rest of the work.

Please do your work justice and edit. :) You've already written over 100K words and you need to do your hard work justice by giving it the care it deserves. You sound like a young writer. Fixing these issues now will save you a lot of heartache later. :)

I didn't add anything to chapter one outside of merge it with chapter two lol.  But I guess you're not reading beyond that, both initially and now. :) In any case, thank you for reading and commenting! I honestly don't edit what I put online. Editing is for my publisher. Online is just to see how people take the plot. :)

Overall, it's an interesting concept that needs editing. It's all rather passive, and there's more telling than showing, which makes it a little tedious to read through. You should look into Deep POV and use it, because it would greatly benefit the piece.