Sparkatale

I've taken the liberty of accepting your request for a critque on the forum and I have read the chapters you've written thus far. To put it simply, I like where your going in the story with Rurona and Hollia - master and student - and I can't wait to read more. The only thing that's been bugging me as I read is how you phrase some of your sentences. I can tell you're trying to narrate the story in not just in a third person view but as though you're actually talking to the readers like they were in a movie. That's good, and I liked it, but a little editing would help make a sound a but more cleaner and smoother. Overall I like it and I'm going to favorite it. I hope you write more chapters.

Though the story theme resembles that of the anime/manga/novel sword art online, as well as some of the troubles that follow with virtaul gaming, the fact that one of the two ways to escape from Online legend is for the death of half of the total population - 10,000 people - makes me hope that this story will have a much darker feel, yet more hopeful sense of completing the game without having to go with the second option. I hope to read more chapters soon!

Well in terms of writing skills you are much more proficient with your words than I could ever be; and for you to have written so many chapters while being consistent with your own content is amazing. The perspective and plot of a reverse pandemic scenario like this - the protoganist being carriers of a deadly virus - is new to me, and the way it is shaped and ended was well done and smooth. Overall, I hope to read more of your other works soon.

Sorry, I never got to finish my comment...what I meant to say was it felt like I was reading the action block by block instead of just continuous. Maybe its because of the style but still, I'm comfortable reading it. That's what I wanted to say.

I like the action so far, though you probably could have worded them better - it kind of felt like I was reading . Still it's good, no new issues either.

Firstly, I haven't really read that many mystery genres to know definitely on what you should do and what to improve on plot wise, but quite frantically, I like it! A young female detective like her with skills she acquired due to getting into an accident and getting to work on an international case; I can already tell this is going to be fun to read. I especially liked how you described her when General McLean was wondering about her near the end.

 

Your writing style is good from what I can read, it sounds smooth when I read it out loud too, your character's background information, Emma, is interesting, and like I said before, your style in describing your characters and the story as a whole looks almost spot on.

 

The only issue I can find would be how the story already got up to this point; Emma's involvement with an international case, the introduction of Mclean, his death, the mystery shooter - the pace seemed a little fast.

 

Overall, I plan on reading more so that I can get a better grasp on the story; but anyway it's good. I hope to enjoy the rest the same way.

I love your first person narrative style and your character already, and the parental and heritage dispute fits perfectly together - though I too haven't read any genre's similar to what you written. Still I plan on reading more after. 

The only issue I had with this chapter so far is some of the sentences sound a little weird like "the said archangel mother of mine". I already understood you meant the person you mentioned in the sentence above this one, but you could have worded better. There were other instances similar to that partial fragment but I also suffer the same issue - you just got to edit it a little more.

Everything else however is fine, and I hope to enjoy the next chapter just as much.

 

P.S - thanks for the comment you gave.

Yeah, about the dragons stuff, a tiny bit of that gets touched upon in one of the chapters after and a little in the next season. The reason why I didn't give much detail regarding the dragons is because I'm still trying to find out where and when would it be appropriate to introduce the story all that stuff. thanks for the comment though.

If you mean by actual location I can't give you a concrete answer, but if you mean where did I get the name Midgar from, I got it from Final Fantasy 7, which is the background setting for the entirety of season 1.

But if that's not what you mean and instead meant far they are industrial wise then I guess a decade or two ahead of today's time with some added sci-fi elements.

Either way, thanks for the comment.

Well I've read everything from chapter 3 to 9, but I'm still troubled by the way the dialogue is written. Though, I believe the reason why is now obvious to me and I seriously can't believe I didn't notice it sooner, but you've written it in a script fashion - a play - and I really didn't like plays and I still don't.

However I'm continuing to like where your going with the plot between Firo and Matt, and how the story shifts from present day to flashbacks and back to present and then flashbacks again. I'm still going to read it this story still until the end.

 

P.S - I also noticed your chapters are pretty short and mine are REALLY long, so I've decided that - if you still interested in trade reviews - you comment one of my chapters and I will compensate by leaving one comment for every 3 to 4 chapters. PM me on what you think of it. 

Nothing new to discuss, but I do feel that the dialogue in this chapter is a little too optimistic or unnatural in someways.I am interested in who the mysterious individual is at the end, so I'm going to continue reading the next chapter now! Lol

No new errors to state, but beside that, this chapter had a lot of good action sequences described between Ultiman and the planet-size asteroid - reading this reminded me of the beginning opening scene from a game called Asura's wrath, good story and action, boring gameplay though.

Thanks for the comment, I knew something about red lizard boy seems weird but I can never really point it out. Your way of describing him is a much better fit, and when I got time, I will go back on that and fix it. I'll get started with the next chapter, and again, thanks!

So far from the first chapter I don't see a lot of grammatical errors and the pacing of the story seems smooth from the introduction of the asteroid buster crew to the protagonist I believe with super powers, and each character has a specific but different personality like the captains dutiful nature, the crew's obedience, and the hero's cocky but enjoyable attitude -  a wild car so to speak. 

 

The only problem I would say is the lack of narratives, the dialogue are alright and I like how you bolded the narration to separate the two, but still, a little more description would be nice.

 

Take this for an example, "as the crew's ship drew closer to their intended target, they can hear the sound of the their vessel's hull creaking all around them like footsteps walking over rotten wood floors, warning them of the dangers lying outside, with its sheer massive field of pressure, generated from its own momentum alone, enclosing them in further as seconds go by like minutes."

 

Don't know if that was a good example but as you can see it has some meat in it. Either way, I'm going to read more and I"m pretty confident I'm going to enjoy them.

The beginning sounded stiff but it gradually became smoother to understand. And the introduction of the Nortera Republic at the end brings in a satisfying suspense for the two brothers.

There a few word misplacements but it was good. the only issue I find is the transition from Caiden's first day of school to not wanting to go back as soon as the day ends - I feel that part should have lasted slightly longer just so that the reader can understand from Caiden's perspective, despite being your normal school day crisis for a elementary schooler. Still I enjoyed reading it.

From what I can understand this chapter introduces a boy who was tasked by "god" to help children who come from other realms or planes of existence, and the cat boy known as Caiden is one of them.......I like it!

You're grammar is spot on and the flow of which this chapter goes felt smooth and straight forward as I read, from the sudden arrival a cat boy to a breakfast table scene and then to a police officer mentioning something like Norteran Commencement - which I can assume is something "bad".

I can guess the style your presenting the first chapter in is - I think - a situation where the protagonist is familiar with the situation after doing it so many times, but discovers an unsuspecting snag along the way. But i could be over interpreting things.

Overall its good, and unique!