Sparkatale

I’m not okay.
No, that’s not quite right,
but I’m not alright,
either.
I should be sad-
angry-
scared-
frustrated-
anything, really.
But I don’t.
I feel empty
and yet I can’t fit anymore.
I feel like
the nothing
that is something
and yet the absence of something.
I feel lost and found,
but not here.
I should be confused,
but in my head
it all makes sense
even without sense,
and when I ask “why?”
my own mute voice
echoes back to me saying
I don’t know,
and What does it matter?
I’m screaming,
but don’t make a sound.
I know I should
do something,
try to find a way
to fix this,
but I don’t want to;
I want to be done.
I want to be done,
but not dead;
I’m already dead,
and being done,
it means being alive.
I have so much
I want to do,
but something stops me
at every turn
and try as I might to overcome,
I can’t seem to win.
It’s as if I could
win all of the battles,
but still be losing
the one fight that matters:
The one for my life.