Sparkatale

strife may not make the bleeding stop or take away my pain,
but there are times i just want to sink into the darkest parts of myself and feel miserable.
I've come to realize the misery and desolation i used to feel as a teen was what gave me my best writing.
and now everything is watered down. it's almost as if part of me no longer feels anything.
i mostly try to hide it but there are times (though few and far between) that it just decides to take over.
and me, with my weak will and resolve by this time, let it.
i find no joy in anything, even my kids, as depressing as it sounds.
things that would normally upset me or make me mad are now viewed in the perspective "i can't change or stop it, why should i say anything against it?"
Could i used psychiatric help? Probably.
Does anyone care? I don't know.
Did anyone care during my childhood, when it was obvious i had severe emotional problems that were spontaneous, not caused by anything? they just happened.
Even a severe medical condition that caused my blood sugar to drop to dangerously low levels... the conclusion... 
it was Psychosomatic, i was doing it for attention, i was faking it.
you tell me how to rig a motherfucking blood sugar machine to read 29, 22, 24, and 20 (seriously) just for attention. What good would that have done me?
would it have taken me dying for them to realize "Oh crap, maybe she really needed help?"
Yeah thanks for pushing me to the side to deal with brother whose only issues growing up were ADHD, compulsive/pathological lying and having no conscience or remorse for any of his actions.
Me, that nearly killed myself many times, and cut myself just so i could feel something besides hate and sadness, me that never was taught how to treat a guy like a friend and not a damned crush, me that fucked up countless things because everyone was too busy to give me just a moment of their time. 
And now the darkness has begun to flow and only if i want to will i find the strength to fight it back down again and return to my 'normal' life as a full-time wife and mother.