INTRODUCTORY PARAGRAPH(S):

       It has come to my attention, through the reading of many stories such as the monkey's paw and many "Twilight Zone" episodes, that wishes are more likely to be received by idiots or people who are blinded by desire than those who are such sensible folk as myself. Through the watching of stories such as "Aladdin" or "I Dream of Jeanie," however, one is also able to see a   pattern of not making good wishes.
       Genies can be tricky. If you rub a lamp or hold an old relic that can potentially grant you wishes, keep in mind that genies and old relics have a vast knowledge of the human grammatical system and know  how to find loop holes ridiculously well. After all, being stuck in a lamp or having your soul imprisoned in an old relic for 10,000 years gives you "such a crick in the neck." 10,000 years actually isn't all that long. For genies and old  relics, that is. This is, of course, besides the point. 10,000 years is long enough for a genie to know that there's something else he could be doing with his time. 
        I know what to do in this situation, and I wish to spread that knowledge with the common idiot. Be it that wishes fall upon you, use this guide as reference material. Good luck.    

Lesson 1: Determining the trickiness level of the genie.

For now, we will concentrate on genies. Genies are very deceptive. They will act like your friend and then stab you in the back, literally, all while humming to the tune of 'you ain't never had a friend like me.' There are a few dead give-a-ways that can tell you if your genie is out to get you. Emphasis on dead.

1: Cautiously Contemptuous -if they use a monotone voice, or sound tired (If yes, than no go).
2: Sassily Sadistic -Whether or not they use sarcasm (If yes, than no go).
3: Feminine Fury -If they are male or female (Female is almost always a no go).
4: Confidential Con-man -If they will tell you about themselves or not (not going into detail isn't the same as not telling).
5: Horrible Hobo -If their lamp is well furnished (If not, than no go).

(To be noted; No go does not mean to turn them down. It simply means to be cautious.)

If the genie displays any of the negative characteristics listed above, proceed with caution. You can rate their trickiness on a scale of 1-5, 1 being not tricky, and 5 being oh-my-gosh-you're-killing-me. Remember, a tricky genie is an easy way to hurt yourself and others. (Deduct 1 point for every aspect above.)

2: Lesson 2 (not found)

Lesson 2: Studying the Wish

Now, after you understand your genie, you can make your wish. But be warned: Even the genies with the best intentions can get confused with your wording, and those trickier will find loop-holes in your phrasing. You need to articulate, use simple words, and make sure the genie understands the wish before you let them grant it. For instance, in Aladdin, he wishes to be a prince. He should have made sure that Genie understood, because he never actually became one. He was still just a street rat. Genie gave him fancy clothes, animals, and subjects, but Aladdin never actually ruled over a country. You need to study your wish, and make sure that there is no loop holes, no grammar mistakes, and no homophones or homonyms. Avoid:

-Contractions
-Double Meanings
- Metaphors
-Similes
-Personification
-Sound Effects
-Figures of Speech
-Curse Words
-Insults
-Intonation
-Sarcasm
-Pauses

Keep in mind what might cause dramatic irony and try to avoid.

:VERY IMPORTANT:VERY IMPORTANT:
Make absolutely sure that you are as specific as possible while making your wish. For instance never make the wish, "I wish I had a million dollars." The Genie can take that and do whatever he wants with it. And then the next day you wake up to find that Guatemala never existed, the two dollar bill is still in use, and the local orphanage that was located five blocks from your apartment has just been blown to smithereens by an asteroid coincidentally shaped as a perfect-scale replica of modern-day Papua New Guinea . Say something among the lines of, "I wish I get a ten thousand four hundred sixteen dollar raise in my job which will take effect throughout the next ten years." This will give you approximately the equivalent of one million dollars per two years. Also, for safe measure, you might want to add, "... with no adverse effects thereof." You by no means have to make this wish, but do try to be very specific in how you want to achieve your ultimate goal, when you want it accomplished, and where it should occur. How: "A twenty dollar raise..." When: "...which will take effect throughout the next ten years." Where: "In my job." In fact, you should always add on the phrase, "with no adverse effects thereof." (You might want to check your genies vocabulary, through quizzing on some of the previous words, just in case.)

 

3: Lesson 3

Lesson 3: Making Good Wishes

It is very true that you might make it past the first two steps unscathed, but you may fall short on this one. So many times have I heard horror stories of people who make really. Stupid. Wishes. Don't make ANY wishes among the lines of:

-I wish I wasn't fat. OR

-I wish I was popular. OR

-I wish I had a tuna fish sandwich right now.

These are plain wastes of wishes. It's like throwing the wishes back into the lamp. You can get these wishes by *gasp* working for them! If you won't take the time to do that, than you probably won't have the time to make a good wish, so put this book...er... screen down. No. Just, just don't. The point of a wish is its MAGICAL qualities! You can achieve things otherwise not even possible by anyone's rules. You need to make wishes that may actually impact your life or even the world. I'm not saying you shouldn't enjoy the simple pleasures in life, but I am saying you shouldn't wish for them to happen. Of course, you shouldn't make any wishes among the lines of:

-I wish for world peace. OR

-I wish for world hunger to end. OR

-I wish I had a tuna fish sandwich for everyone right now.

(Notice that the third makes the second moot, and the first and second can both be solved by everyone dying, so let's not do that...)

Unless you are really confident in your wish-making skills, which you shouldn't be (see title), you need to find a nice medium for your wishes. A wish with a certain level of importance, but not so much that it will leave a huge dent on human history, change the human nature itself, or create a paradox. For instance, acceptable wishes may include:

-I wish I didn't have to die unless I really wanted to. OR

-I wish I could learn things faster. OR

-I wish my family could have a tuna fish sandwich every time we win a competition.

(Of course, you should also apply the initial loop check on these wishes. Suppose we change the first one. Perhaps to "I wish I didn't have to die by unnatural causes or natural causes unless I really wanted to and at least three other people agree, with me with no adverse effects thereof." Now that's a wish that might be worthwhile)

:CAUTION:CAUTION:

There are a few rules which you might have to abide by regarding wishes, but let's not call them "rules." That's such a nasty word! Let's call them GET TO'S!

1. You GET TO not ask for people to be killed.
It doesn't help. Killing and violence are not the answer. All right? It plain out isn't right to kill people, or even to wish them dead. You know in your right mind that this isn't right, and nicely ask your genie to not let you kill people through your wishes (make sure you specify this is not a wish, but simply a favor you ask. The more spiteful ones will refuse, so keep this "book" around in case). We all know about those rage fits. You can't hide them. You thought we didn't know. We do.

2. You GET TO not ask for people to be raised from the dead.
Again, it doesn't help. They are in a better place, so do you really want to bring them back? And if you don't believe in heaven, than do you really think that it's a good thing to grasp someone from wherever they are and put them in another situation suddenly? That's a quick and easy way to give someone a stroke. Or a seizure. Or a heart attack. And if you believe in reincarnation, why would you want to take someone out of one life and back into another? They are obviously meant to be whatever they are, and you can also apply the stroke logic here. If you don't believe in any afterlife, than why would you ask for someone back? You obviously don't believe in souls, and if you expect it to work or not, you're going to prove yourself wrong. Genies have no limits. Well, Genies have SOME limits. WELL they have a REASONABLE amount of limits. WELLLLLLLLLLLL never-mind. Forget the whole thing. POINT. There are rules.

3. You GET TO not ask for people to fall in love.
Ugh, just don't ask for this. Trust me, it should happen naturally. You need to be able to find your love, not make it. If you can't find the person you are compatible with, search harder. As Tim Minchin said in his song If I Didn't Have You: Your love is one in a million You couldn't buy it at any price. But of the 9.999 hundred thousand other loves, Statistically, some of them would be equally nice. There are so many opportunities for love, so why waste your wish on it? It shouldn't be that hard to find a suitable partner, either. As Theodore Suess Geisel (Doctor Suess) Once said, "Everybody's a little weird, and life's a little weird. And when two people find each other and their weirdnesses are compatible, they fall into mutual weirdness, and call it love." With those odds, I think I'll gamble. Always bet on tack.

If you run into any other trouble with your wishes involving whether or not they are morally right, then take a look into the Bible. It should give you a few hints on what is right and wrong (WARNING: To actually learn from it, it takes a bit of studying. It's just a thought, if you're having trouble with that sort of thing).

Also, you might run into a snag when it comes to wishing for more wishes. Most Genies or Old Relics won't allow thaaat. So do the best with what you got.

4: Lesson 4

Lesson 4: Cause and Effect

Now, even if you judge the genie correctly, form your wish to be loop-hole free, and abide by the standard rules of wish-making, you still might create something disastrous because of your stupid near-sightedness. It is entirely plausible that a good wish turns baaaaaaaaaaaaaad. The best course of action to avoid this is to go through the following checklist to see if your wish will only end badly.

_ Is my wish directly harmful to myself or others?

_ Does my wish create a situation that the comic book government S.H.I.E.L.D. would take notice of?

_ Does my wish mention anything about the world or the universe?

_ Does my wish cause any chain of events that would lead to baaaaaaaaaaaaaad things happening?

(Please do not write checkmarks on your computer screen. If you really want to 'check' the list, then print it out and do it then)

Is my wish directly harmful to myself or others?

Make sure your wish doesn't specify people unless you want something good to happen to them. In which case, make absolutely sure that your wish is absolutely loop-hole free. It's best to not include other people in your wishes at all (unless you are very confident in your wish-making skills. Which you shouldn't be [See title]). You shouldn't be toying with other people's lives period. Nonetheless with something as powerful as a wish, mind you! You should also be wary about how your wish effects you. Think to yourself, "is this the kind of wish I might regret later?"

Does my wish create a situation that the comic book government S.H.E.I.L.D. would take notice of?

No. It shouldn't. To even think about what mind-boggling stupidity the wish of yours might contain, the unfathomable reaches of insanity that dwells within your thought processor, why oh why would you want to be a superher... oh, huh. Yeah, I guess that's a fair point. You can wish powers upon yourself, just be very, very, VERY specific on how they work.

Does my wish mention anything about the world or the universe?

This is a big no no on the wish making scale. Do not make any wish that compares something to, involves changing all of, or involves obliterating something in the world or universe, or the world/universe itSELF.

Does my wish cause any chain of events that would lead to baaaaaaaaaaaaaad things happening?

Think. Through. This. One. Carefully...
Alright. You're done thinking. The correct answer, obviously, is to keep thinking. Think through what could possibly happen as a result of your wish. Think of what you would do in response, how others would react, and incorporate physics into what might happen as a result. Think for a good fifteen minutes or so. The best method for thinking without distractions is to place a pillow over your head as you rest your head on a piece of ice. At least, from my own experience. It works for me! (See also: My Favorite Family Recipe)

As a conclusion, JUST MAKE SURE YOU DON'T SCREW UP ON THE WISH. OR ON THE OUTCOME. OR ON ANYTHING INVOLVING THE GENIE.

5: Lesson 5

Lesson 5: Afterwards

At this point you've made your wish, and now it is time to face the consequences be they good or bad. If you have followed the previous instructions carefully and diligently without screwing them up, then you should have nothing to worry about. If you do have something to worry about, don't worry. You still have two more wishes to rectify any mistakes your past wishes have made. (Sometimes you will be forced to make a new wish under certain circumstances [possibly caused by your past wish...]. It is very important at this point to have mastered the system. You might want to run the scenarios through your head a couple of times before hand. You really, REALLY need to learn how to work the system efficiently.)

Of course, that being said, you're stuck if you don't have any other wishes, which is implausible because you should if you are at all intelligent, which you probably aren't. (See cover/title)

You need to really focus on how you did on your wish after you've made it. You need to make sure you see the bright side of your wish. You made the wish, you have to live with it. Nothing you can do can change that (unless of course you haven't lost all of your wishes, which as we established earlier, you should'nt've, which we also established earlier, you have). There is always a silver lining to every cloud. (Fun Fact: There is also a gold lining to every pupil. Note: some people's are more prominent than others. Some are virtually non-existent, but they are still there.)

You also should think about how lucky you are that YOU got a wish from a genie, and you got to use that wish, and that you are still alive. Now, you should also consider that while the genie is devilishly talented at finding loopholes in your wishes, you can be devilishly talented in finding loopholes in the rules (More to come).

You should keep in mind, and this is so so very important, DON'T GO CORRUPT! You have power now. Oh, sweet salivatory power. Power, hehe POWER! Oops, sorry. Uh, what was I saying? OH yes! Don't go corrupt with power. It is very handy, but having it should not be taken lightly. A wise uncle once said, "with great power comes great responsibility." I disagree. I believe that with great power comes opportunities to gain a good retirement then slack off, pal. No more of dat responsibility stuffs. BUT. You need to use the power wisely, like a wise old uncle, and put it to good use. Don't treat people like slaves, and don't treat people like your better than them. Just act... responsibly. Note: Acting responsibly is not the same as being responsible. Once your performance is over, you can stop acting! (:

Now remember, Focus on:

- Seeing the bright side of the wish

- Observing how well you did

- Observing how lucky you are

- Not going mad with POWE=- power

There. Got it memorized?

Now I'm going to go look into your homes and see how many of you actually look into the mirror looking for a gold ring in your eye. Bye!

6: Lesson 6

Lesson 6: Non-Genie Entities

So far we have been focusing on the shenanigans of genies, but they are not the only wish-giving thing. There are quite a few others, ranging from creatures:

-Leprechaun, Unicorn, Satyr, Changelings.

To non-creatures:

-Old Relics, Stars, Birthday Candles, 11:11, Wells.

So on so forth. It is important to realize that these creatures/artifacts/ideas can be equally as tricky as genies, and so one must remember the lesson  previously posted about making the wish. BUT. There are still things to be known about these wish-giving entities.

Leprechauns:
Leprechauns are small, elfish creatures that are very mischievous. They will trick thee without a second thought. But, as it is said, if you catch one, then that leprechaun will be obligated to grant thee three wishes. One can oft find them scurrying about the base of a rainbow, gallivanting over a pot o' gold. Be cautious though, for these little bloggers, er, boggarts (same difference) are notorious for reversing road signs, stopping up sewers, and stealing everyone's left shoe. (see also: Alien experiments)

Unicorns:
Unicorns are creatures resembling a horse, but are closer in the family of zebras as they cannot be tamed or ridden. I'm LOOKING at you, Racing Stripes. They are so named for a single, long horn that protrudes from the middle of their forehead. This horn possesses magical powers, and will heal those who touch it. However, the horn, if broken off, loses its magical abilities. So if one wishes to extract wishes from the unicorns horn, one must do it whilst the unicorn is sleeping, and mustn't remove it. One gets a wish from the horn only if one is pure of mind and spirit, in which case, upon licking the horn, one gets 1-5 wishes, depending on the length of the horn. (1-12 inches-1 wish, 12-24 inches-2 wishes, 24-27 inches- 3 wishes, 27-50 inches-4 wishes, 50-60 inches-5 wishes.) Be very cautious though, for you must be pure of heart to approach a unicorn without fear of impalement. The unicorns horn is very sharp, and the unicorn is alarmingly fast. Tread with care.

Satyrs:
Satyrs are creatures of Greek myth, that have the arms, torso, and head of a man, and the feet, legs, and pelvis of a goat. You can imagine their diet (HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH). They, however, can grant wishes if cornered or in immediate danger. If they think they can bribe you with a wish, they will try. If they try, accept it. (Tip: You need to put them into immediate peril first, with either a gun to the head, or death penalty, etc. etc.) The wishes will not come back to haunt you unless you make the wish in a bad way. Which you shouldn't by now. (See also: The Story of Kind Midas)

Changelings:
Changelings are creatures of the faerie (that's right. I'm using fancy words) world, and are made by sprites and pixies. They resemble a human child, and replace the child as the changelings faerie (fancy fancy fancy) family takes the child back the their hill. If you suspect that someone that you know or your child/brother/sister has been replaced by a changeling, capture the changeling. He will try to trick you into wandering into the faerie (fANCY) hill, but you must resist. You can ransom the changeling back to the faeries (such fancy) for 1-2 wishes, but start at like 3 so they can "hassle" you down to 2-1.

Old Relics
There are occasionally old artifacts that have been given wish-giving abilities through magic, witch doctors, or other wishes. Each individual relic has its own special rules regarding its wish granting, from items such as the monkeys paw (a shriveled up monkey paw on a keychain) that grants three wishes to all who dare to hold it, to a unicorn horn broken off, but revived through the dipping of the horn into its former hosts blood ("But that's so SAD," I hear my mother yell from the basement as I read it out loud."Well LIFE'S sad, mother!" I say, a manly tear grazing my cheek), which grants a wish to all who lick it three times. If you find an old relic that you think may contain the wish giving abilities (not to be confused with welsh giving abilities), visit your local witch doctor to examine said relic. In fact, do this with any old relic that you get your hands on. Some may contain secret curses (such as those which fall upon anyone who wishes for a tuna sandwich [wherein I would be in big trouble]). He will be able to detect such curses as well as any special rules regarding the wish making. Expect the witch doctor to ask you a potentially difficult riddle as a price. Hint: the answer is always 42. (Note: section also applies to New Relics)

Stars
You may think that wishing on stars is pretty straightforward, but in thinking that you would be wrong, for wishing on different types of stars will produce different types of results.

Subsection: Shooting Stars
When wishing on shooting stars, it is a common misconception that speaking the wish will prevent it from being revealed. This is simply not true. In fact, speaking the wish audibly is the only way to guarantee that the wish will come true. Especially if another human being is there to confirm the wish. (Tip: should be someone with a good memory) However, the wish will not be granted if you utter the sentence, "Look, a shooting star!" Or anything of the like. Any attempt at all to alert others of the stars existence will result in a null wish. This makes it exceedingly difficult to make a wish on a shooting star, as you must alert someone of your wish, but not of the wish-giving entity. There have been many attempts to cheat the system, one of the most common ways being uttering the wish aloud without any initial prompt from another, but through trial and error, it has been discovered that this does not work. You must make absolutely sure that the witness is in fact aware that there is a wish giving entity, but cannot be aware what that entity is.

Subsection: First Star You See On Any Given Night
When wishing on the first star visible on a night, you must first utter the following phrase word for word without faltering and without a written or spoken guide. (so basically from memory.) "Starlight, Star bright. First star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might get my wish granted tonight. For I desperately need it, 'ight? I don't need you to give fight, just need you to concede I'm right. And that will be all I cite. Except, ikclindgleburglkjight." (to satisfy any curiousity, the reason for this citation requirement is the result of a wish made long ago, after a spiteful coconut farmer was granted a wish by a genie he found inside of a particularly large coconut.) After this, there is still only a 37% chance that your wish will be granted. (Also the result of a spiteful coconut farmers wish, although a different coconut farmer entirely from the first. No relation)

Birthday Candles
It is a common misconception that every birthday you get the same number of wishes as there are candles on your cake that you blow out. This is complicatedly not true. You see, you are granted one wish for every birthday in which you blow out every single candle on your cake in one go, but only if there is one candle for every year you've lived on the cake. You can use your wish then, or you can wait until the next year, where you will be granted another wish. You at this point have two wishes. You can continue collecting wishes, but you may only use these wishes on your birthday, whenever that may be. But this creates a paradox, as a middle-aged vet in 18th century Europe wished that people must make their birthday wish before blowing out the candles on their cake, as opposed to after. She obviously had not read any version of a wish makers guide, for instead of replacing the current rules with her rules, she implemented both at the same time. So now you must make your wish both before and after blowing out your candles, but not either. This makes the birthday wish moot, unless someone somewhere someday figures out how to do the wish while still complying with the rules. (if this happens to be you, which is unlikely [see title], please contact me for future editing of this book.)

11:11
This wish giving moment has been such since the beginning of time, although it is almost wholly impossible to make a wish thusly, for the wish must be made at exactly 11:11:00, without carrying into even 11:11:01.

Wishing Wells
This is nothing more than a myth.
(Unless you are a cat, in which case the well will always grant you wishes when you use your paws to throw in a coin. Although it is highly unlikely that a cat will have the intelligence to do this, and furthermore to make a wish, especially a good (efficient) one.)

And thus is the course of nature.

7: Lesson 7

Chapter 7: Wish making; a History

You may have noticed that I did not mention some classic favorite wish givers from the fantasy genre... because their points are moot and goooooooone. From Dragons to Sphinxes. From Hermits to Fish. These are some of the ever so delightful creatures and stuff that did not make the creature or stuff sections because they in themselves are pointless now... I wouldn't even mention them if not for the inherent ability of the wish to bring back their meaning in life. So, in case some idiot (I'm LOOKING AT YOU) does give these things their wish-giving abilities back (which is stupid and they shouldn't do that because they're dead for a reason), be prepared.

Dragons:
These furry little guys are just the cutest fuzzy wuzzy things you have ever seen in your lif- huh? Oh, Dragons! I thought you said chinchillas.They sound similar. Welp, Dragons work pretty trickily, like, even more trickily than genies. The only freakin' reason they give out wishes is to trap you. How the story generally goes is that you find a cave (blah blah blah), you find the treasure (blah blah blah), the dragon finds you (blah blah bluh), and He smiles mischievously as he gives you an option: a wish, or death. And generally he'll make your wish killll you. The best possible thing you can do in this situation is to use the previously mentioned wish tactics to make dah good ones [wishes]. (Reason for Mootness: Once upon a time, a young columnist filled with hopes and aspirations stumbled upon a dragons hoard in his apartments basement. The dragon gave him the option, and the man/child wished that "dragons be dead." The dragon and all others promptly fell into numerous piles of dust. He did this because the only freakin' reason they give out wishes is to trap you, although he wasn't aware of this subconscious reasoning)

Sphinxes:
The Sphinx is a big 'ol statue thing in Egypt. It was never real. Buuuuuuuuuuuuut... it could be if someone wished it into existence. So, upon approaching the Sphinx, it will ask you a riddle. It will ask you what you want if you get it correct, (just look up the riddle on Google, or open a public enquiry on the internet to find the answer. You've got alllll day to figure it out...) it will ask you what you want. Most people waste this awesome opportunity on silly things like being able to proceed on with their quest. But you can ask for anything! So just *cough* use the earlier tactics. (Reason for Mootness: It was never real.)

Hermits:
Hermits are people who live far away in mountainous regions *cou- or elsewhere -phs*. They tend to get magical powers from ... meditating? Eating innocent bananas? I don't really know. They keep this a well kept secret that is kept secretly well. They are very secretive. Anyway, if you do a bunch of random tasks for them they'll grant you one wish, but over the course of completing these random tasks you tend to change your mind and stuff... and you never really make good or fun wishes. So always keep a good jokebook with you upon being tasked to keep your spirits up and your sense of humor strong. This way your wish will always be fun! Subsection; Asian: This is kinda stereotypical, but Asian hermits tend to be WAY MEANER BUT AT THE SAME TIME WISER than other kindsa hermits. Be wary of them... (-.-) (Reason for Mootness: Since the modern age arose, most hermits are *cough* nonexistent *cough*. But they may still exist somewhere in a writer's basement [I'm LOOKING at you, mom.] so be wary... (o.o))

Fish:
And so, we come to fish. The story that turned these stupid little suckers into wish giving mad-givers happens to be one of my favorite. As the story goes, a boy was fishing in a canoe. He felt a tug on his line, and pulled up a beautiful silver fish. He removed the fish from the line, and the fish began to speak. He spoke and spoke and spoke to the boy, for hours upon hours. The boy needed to get home before sunfall, so he said so. "Fish, I need to get home by sunfall. So... I'm gonna just take you home to feed my starving family with." The fish faced him so that both of its eyes were facing in different directions, and said "Wait! If you let me go, I will grant you one wish. Anything that your heart desires will be yours!" The boy needed no time to think, for immediately he said, "I wish that no one ever has to go hungry again, not my family, not my neighbors, and not my neighbors neighbors!" (We have already established that this was a very bad wish) The fish blinked and said, "It is done." The boy shrilled in delight, and threw the fish back into the ocean. "Suckeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrr!" The fish said as it swam gleefully and snarkily away. And then, that night, the boys family died of starvation, for the fish had actually made the boy's parents, his neighbors, and his neighbors neighbors starve that night. The End! (Reason for Mootness: The fishes are freakin' #$&~#%s! And so, they were all caught and eaten. The End :))

Marshmellows:
Classified

Dandelions:
With dandelions, the story goes that you blow on it and if all of the little spindly things on it are blown away by the time you finish blowing, you get a wish. This is not true, but rather it is a myth created by dandelions to trick people into spreading their seeds. Apple trees get you to eat their apples and throw away/poop out their seeds, oak trees just drop their acorns and get squirrels and chipmunks to eat them, and dandelions LIE TO US AND GIVE US FALSE WISH PROMISES. DEATH TO ALL DANDELIONS. WE WILL NOT BE TRICKED SO EASILY! VIVA LA REVOLUTION!
(Reason for Mootness: DEATH TO ALL DANDELIONS!)

Wishbones:
So in every mammalian creature, there is a collar bone. After someone kills the creature, drains it of blood, and eats all of its meat and innards, they can remove the collar bone from the poor creature's body ("But that's so SAD," I hear my mother yell. "SHUT UP, MA! I'M WORKING." I whisper), and two people crack it in half. Whomever gets the largest half gets a wish, and whomever gets the shorter half gets married first. This theory originates from old cavemen drawings, where two men would fight for the collarbone, because back then they would eat even the bones of an animal in a barbaric ritual known only as the "hokey-pokey". In fact, they would especially the bones. They were considered a delicacy, proving even further the theory that delicacy is just another way of saying "something disgusting that is technically edible." Whomever got the shorter end of the collarbone would eat it, and the females would feel pity for him, for he did not get as much bone as the other. So he would marry first. The one whom got the larger end would eat it, preventing lifelong starvation, and in victory would say "Ughaf Uffgg Uhh Aaoiea OUAIUOAIY!" Which loosely translates into "I like to get bananas wishes Pighorns Latin gods!" The most anyone's ever gotten from that is "wishes."
(Reason for Mootness: DEATH TO ALL DANDELIO—I mean, mistranslation.)

Eyelashes:
If an eyelash falls off of your face and a friend catches it, you can ask for it back and put it on your wrist and blow on it and make a wish.
(Reason for Mootness: *laughing* w-what?! Just, no. No.)

Make-A-Wish:
Unfortunately the Make-A-Wish foundation is not able to grant wishes like it used to, (i.e. curing cancer, bringing the dead back to life…) not with the limited funding it is suffering. If you would like to help, please donat- …[insert more inspirational letters and spaces here]
(Reason for Mootness: Lack of funding.)

Now, for clarification, this is by no means a complete list. It is only as large a list as I feel like making. Because I know this stuff, and I choose what you get to know. Your knowledge hinges on my whim. Remember that. Always remember.

8: Lesson 8

Chapter 8: What NOT To Do

 

    Now that you know what one should do with their wishes, it’s important to know what not to do with your own wishes. Or, more accurately, what other idiots have already done with their wishes, that you may have been tempted to imitate until your eyes were trapped in the net of my advice. It could be possible to explain to you, for example, the Top 10 Best Wishes Ever Made, but a few things: 1) That’s no fun. 2) How would we know they were made if they were the best? And, 3) It’d be more helpful to do the opposite… So, presenting…

The Top 10 Worst Wishes of all time!

1) Finn Hopper’s fateful error:

Finn Hopper was a young sheetmetal worker from Canada. When he moved to the United States, however, his fortunes would change for the better when he’d discover a lamp within his father’s suitcase. Upon rubbing it, for no apparent reason than silly superstition, this idiot unleashed a Genie upon himself, and when inquired about his wishes, answered earnestly yet naively: “Sir, are you an apparition or a hallucination?” Foolishly, to ensure the Genie would not infuse trickery into his response, Finn added, “I wish for you to be completely truthful from here on in.” The Genie answered truthfully, “I am no hallucination, mortal, for I am an all-powerful, treacherous Genie, with intents to free myself at your expense.” Finn was aghast, and in his pit of disappointment, muttered, “Well, I wish you had said you’d been a hallucination.” Upon his wish, the Genie vanished, for as of that point the Genie had indeed said he’d been a hallucination, and being truthful, ceased to exist as more than stomach acid fumes.

 

2) The Big Red Wooden Ball:
    Wishes are most dangerous when in the hands of the young. Young Billy Chadney was frolicking (for lack of a better word) through the field behind his parents’ mansion one mid-day, and he caught upon his foot a root, which caused him to tumble down the hill and onto something rather sharp and pointy. Upon his further examination, the object proved to be a swiss cheese slice of glass, and an old one at that. Perhaps, the boy couldn’t have perceived, it was an old… relic. And alas, it was. The boy in his greedy childish foolishness muttered selfishly, “I wish I’d found a ball, instead.” Later that day his parents would find him decorated with a 15-ton, red wooden ball, and without any idea that their son was underneath, began selling tickets to unwitting tourists.

 

3) A Cat’s Day:

    Jazz was a black American shorthair cat, missing an eye and with bad hips in his old age. One day while lapping at a bucket balancing on the edge of a stone well, he fell inside, and yowled as he fell, “MeeeoorrrrraAAAAWWLLL!!!!” Simultaneously, a coin fell into the well, hitting the cat’s paws and then the bottom of the well, before the cat could land, and so the cat’s elongated meow of a wish was granted, and the well ceased to exist. Unfortunately, the cat was trapped 10 feet underground, drowned by dirt, having been halfway through his descent. (This was a sad one, given to me by a constantly weeping couple, although it’s possible I interrupted them whilst they were watching ‘Les Miserables.’)

 

4) Don’t Tread on a Satyr:

    King Midas had a brother, Duke Willdas, who was less greedy than his brother and more pure of heart. However, this didn’t make him any less of an idiot. Once his brother had been turned irreversibly to gold, Willdas was promoted to ruler of the land, having anything he could’ve dreamed of. He was walking his garden one day, enjoying the occasional honeysuckle, and stepped on something soft and plush. He was alarmed, and thinking it to be horse scat, rubbed his heel against it repeatedly, exclaiming in disgust as he attempted to clean off his spiked, steel-toed boots. Unfortunately for him, it was not horse scat, but a satyr’s face, and after a moment of this, after the Duke stopped, the satyr stumbled to his feet, infuriated. Unable to run, cornered, the satyr stuttered in a reluctant voice, “A-alright, if-f you s-stop now, I-I’ll grant you one w-wish, whatever you want, a-and it will be yours.” Thinking on it for only a moment, Willdas’ good heart got the best of him, he said commandingly and clearly, “I wish for my brother to be living, no longer made of gold.” The satyr, not mischievous in nature, granted the wish in a straightforward way. However, once Willdas’ brother was once again alive, Willdas lost his power and everything good in his life, leaving him homeless, jobless, and loveless.

 

5) Beware the Eyes of March

    In the times of Julius Caesar, many of the general public, including the Senate, weren’t intelligent enough to make good wishes, so there are many stories of their downfalls. However, I don’t want this whole list to be filled with words like du. One Senate member named Figfargfassus, shortly after Julius’ death, discovered a lamp while destroying Greek culture. He rubbed it (with his sword (that is to say he attempted to destroy it (but it was indestructible))), and released the Genie inside. He recalled someone mentioning something about ‘bewaring the eyes of march,’ or something like that. So he wished, in order to avoid whatever would happen with this, “I wish that the eyes of march would ceased to be.” That day, every March on earth lost their sight, much to the depression of their parents. This is why most people named March today are sightless, and if they aren’t, it is the result of another wish.

 

(Some readers may notice that some of the items on this list are worse than others, yet they don’t appear to be in that order. Those readers would be right, although I would argue that destroying the genie granting your wishes is much worse than death. Besides, there is an order to these tales: they’re in order from which ones I’d discovered least recently to the ones I’d discovered most recently.)

 

6) The Twins:

    Jack Rickbey was a lonely twenty-ish year old pilot, although his profession had little to do with his wishing life, to whom the secrets of Marshmellows was revealed. He would make wishes almost daily, and assumedly by pure coincidence and luck, avoided anything catastrophic happening in his life. He’d wished for flight (becoming a pilot), for a viewing experience for every major motion picture to be released in theatres, and every day he enjoyed an odd-tasting tuna-fish sandwich. One day while flying, his co-pilot went down with a heart attack. The plane was experiencing some “issues” and wouldn’t come out of its room, so Rickbey had no choice but to use another wish. He pulled a marshmellow from his pocket, and [data expunged]. Exhausted, he muttered his wish, fulfilling the needs of the present situation as well as one of his childhood dreams: He wished for a twin. Instantly the doppelganger appeared in the seat beside him and took over the controls, landing the plane safely. The media and public adored this Rickbey brother, named Jake, while Jack was left to scrounge at the scraps of his new brother’s success. Their parents came to love Jake more, unashamedly proclaiming him the favorite and bestowing all their earthly possessions upon him. Jake got the girl of his dreams, while Jack never married. How was Jack richer than Jake? Well, besides all of his marshmellows, he did indeed meet the dog of his dreams, who is still Jack’s best friend to this day. Jake could never say he found the honor of a love from animals.

 

7) Bavarian Cream Pie

    Cross-fit Conner McKee was a legend amongst his people, the people of Shipshewana, Indiana. He left the Amish-ridden land to seek adventure in Western Europe. (I’m not too afraid of offending the Amish-- unless this book gets published physically. Besides, I am a chronicler! I write how it is, without embellishments or bias!) Western Europe is quite possibly the most amazing place on Earth, and I’m pretty sure there’re dragons. Cross-fit Conner McKee went into a bakery in hopes to ease his aching stomach, and ordered one Bavarian Cream Pie. Upon eating it, he knew he would remember that moment as a defining one, as it was the most amazing Bavarian Cream Pie he had ever had. Upon leaving the bakery, he wandered into an antique shop and found an old lamp, and remembering the legends behind lamps, he rubbed it and unleashed an all-powerful genie. “Oh, great genie!” He rambled, “Bestow upon me your kindness, and I will free you!” Genies, skeptical and rarely presented with opportunities like this, answered him. “If you say so… How about this? I’ll allow you to relive your greatest joy in life, your happiest memory, and in return, I’ll be free.” Cross-fit Conner McKee didn’t see anything wrong with this deal, and eagerly accepted. He closed his eyes, and when he opened them, he was back in the bakery, eating his Bavarian Cream Pie. He finished and wandered into an old antique shop, and relived the whole experience again, leading to reliving it again and again and again. Stuck in this time-loop, Cross-fit Conner McKee’s life ended in that bakery, at an old age of 68, in bad health after all those Bavarian Cream Pies, and the genie lived on, free.

 

8) Senioritis:

    This tale doesn’t take too long. Drew Smith lived an average life in school, until Senior year. He became an outcast upon his friends’ revelation that he was not affected by being a senior, while they all were affected by senioritis. One night while lying in bed, he heaved a sigh, and quickly muttered, “Wish I’d senioritis.” Having a rare disorder in which all of his words came out sounding 3x sped up, his wish was completed at exactly 11:11:00, without carrying over even into 11:11:01. The next day he was diagnosed with a rare disease dubbed “senioritis,” and as he looked into the eyes of his loving friends and concerned family, his last words were, “Worth it.” No one understood him, the senioritis aggravating his condition.

 

9) The Case of Soft Drink

    Young Bobby McKilliginigus was a huge fan of fountain drinks at fast food restaurants, and would mix each drink to create a concoction called “suicide.” One day, he held tightly onto his smart phone, yet somehow still dropped it, ruining it forever. Upon receiving his new phone, it wasn’t long before he discovered it to be a New Relic (more to come). When asked by a pop-up what he’d most desire in the world at that moment, he typed in, ‘one suicid----------------- (woah shoot man I’d forgotten how dark this one was. I’m not going to finish this one. Instead, I’ll um…. I’ll just um…. Make up a story? Yeah, sure).

 

9.1) The um… Television… Show… Yeah:

    So yeah, um… There was a television show… and a guy watched it… um… John Doe. Yeah. And um, a genie was on a reality show, hehe, and John watched it, but he was the only one watching it, so when the genie offered a wish to everyone watching, he, hehe, wished to um… be on the show. But the show was like a um… death… show. So he died. (It’s hard to just make up something like that! I’ll stick to my solid research from now on. Know this, dear readers: there will be no more fiction in this book!)

 

10) And Then, Leprechauns:

    Glenda Gelatoni was visiting Ireland one day, and while swinging on a swingset (for is there any other way to swing?), she noticed a 4-leaf clover sticking up from the mud in a small patch of other clovers. She knew, being a botanist, that 4-leaf clovers only grow when a leprechaun had trodden there. She noticed a trail of 4-leaf clovers and decided to follow it o’er the green moors and hills. Upon reaching the end of the trail, she was shocked to find an entire patch of 4-leaf clovers, which led her to one conclusion: There was a serious leprechaun party here recently. She heard snickering near her and saw there a group of evidently drunken leprechauns. She lunged at them, knowing that if she succeeded in catching one, they’d be forced to grant her a wish. She was unable to catch the drunkards, for they were too squirrelly, but she managed to capture a nerd leprechaun who wasn’t invited to the party but hung out with the cool leprechauns afterward to look popular. He foolishly informed her that he could give her three wishes, for he could have granted one and she’d let him go, although he hadn’t known that. She thought for only a moment before announcing her wishes: To be two more inches tall, and to have claws for hands. Unfortunately, she couldn’t announce her last wish, for without proper hands she’d dropped the leprechaun who scurried away, yelling, “Wait up, you guys!” She was left a little taller, a little wiser, and a freak, who achieved relative fame in the circus industry. There have been many theories on why  she made the wish that she did, the most prominent theory being that although she was a botanist, she had always wanted to be carcinologist.

 

    Any relations to persons living or dead are completely coincidental and aren’t intended to be mockery or satire. Oops, I forgot emphasis. Without it, sarcasm can’t come across. Any relations to persons living or dead are completely coincidental and aren’t intended to be mockery or satire.

 

9: Lesson 9

Chapter 9: Rules and Loop-Holes

    Some of you dear readers may be asking, “Hmm. Why didn’t he put this chapter at the beginning? This feels kinda important.” My response to those of you still reading is simple. Of course, I don’t have to tell you. It’s always important to keep in mind who has the power here. Not the genie. Not the faeries (f-a-n-c-y). No no, your fate rests in my hands. Hands calloused by time and guitar playing. Am I stalling to avoid the question? No. Where’d you get that ridiculous idea. Simply put, the information in this chapter is sensitive, and in the wrong hands, such as those of a total ignoramus, could prove to be fatal to the entire universe. Although I’d imagine most readers to be on the left end of the ignoramus scale, by this time the true idiots should have either gotten distracted by a puppy or something like that and stopped reading, or else they ought to have died, perhaps from a household accident, which account for more than 18,000 deaths every year.
    

Anyway, time to jump right into the thick of it, eh? I’ll hand you the rules on a silver dish platter, then teach you to avoid eating them, and rather absorb them through the skin through osmosis.

 

Rules:

Earlier I established that instead of the nasty word ‘rules,’ we should use the more positive term ‘GET TO’s.’ However, after a few months of introspection spent with hermits (no wishes granted, unfortunately. I got distracted by a puppy on my journey and never completed it), I came to the conclusion that rules aren’t something to run from. They help us split the complex measurement of feet into the understandable increments of inches. Wait, oh shoot! That’s rulers. Hmm, that distinction seems too important to leave it to chance. To avoid future confusion, let’s use the term rulers for rulers, and the term notrulers for rules. (I can see it now: The CEO of Merriam-Webster’s seeing this story on his Recommended section on some obscure fiction site for hipsters, reading through it. Upon reading this section, he tears up, whispering, “We should never have fired him…”)

 

#1) Don’t wish for more wishes.

It has been a long standing tradition amongst wish-giving entities to severely limit the amount of wishes they are forced to dish out to the un-worthy cretins who find them. This is not true for all historical wish-givers, namely old relics. It has been repeatedly recorded that old relics, and, to an extent, new relics, do not always have a cap on the amount of wishes they can give to any given person, but in order to attain more wishes than the guaranteed one, the wisher must wish for their desired number of wishes. However, wishes can be given, as has happened in the past, in the form of small red marbles, or something else of the like. Therefore, it would be wise to avoid wishing for an infinite amount of wishes, to avoid a world-wide catastrophe.            

    Loopholes!....._______
To get past this notruler, one ought to, when faced against a wish-giving entity with limits upon their dealt-out-wishes, firstly wish for "complete control over the rules regarding wish making, with no adverse effects thereof." Secondly, one should wish for a ridiculously large yet finite amount of wishes. Say, 1 billion and a half.

 

#2) Don’t wish for people to come back for the dead.

This notruler, as I discussed earlier, has its place in the world of wish-making, at least in this author’s opinion. HoWeVeR, I see the appeal of having a pleasant dinner conversation with Louis XVI and Teddy Roosevelt. Not every wish-giving entity has a notruler regarding resurrection of the dead; Leprechauns have no qualms with initiating the zombie apocalypse. Bet you didn’t consider that as a possible outcome of your wish, eh [see title]? Also, I’m pretty sure stars can resurrect people, although this remains unproven.

    Loopholes!......________

Again, this notruler can be bypassed with the initial wish for control over all wish-making notrulers, just as all the other following notrulers can, but one could also bypass this obstacle by wishing that the person one would like to see alive had never died in the first place, or that they had existed in their time in an immortal state. This brings danger, however, for the person may not be able to be killed once brought back, so remember to add qualifiers to your wish: “I wish [person] had never died and still lives today, although in such a state that they can be killed as easily as any other person such as myself, with no adverse effects thereof.”

 

3. Don’t wish to for people to die.

I think this is icky. I don’t like the idea of ending a life, is all (unless you’re a bug in my home. I need my space). However, with a strongly heaved sigh of reluctance, I must report the facts as a responsible narrator, factitian, and historian. Wishes made on any inanimate object will not have the restrictions against murder on them, however they aren’t as sentient as animate wish-givers, so if you want them to kill accurately and not wipe out every Jared on Earth in a strangely aesthetic genocide which would probably put Subway out of business, be certain you’re specific regarding the identity of your victim.

    Loopholes!......________

As states before, I’m against bypassing this notruler. However, upon thinking about what the world would be like if someone had wished Hitler dead, I bequeath unto you all the secrets of murder loop-holes. You will all receive the full secrets upon my death, which I can’t imagine will be that far off once I tell you these select secrets. The simple trick is not to wish the potential victim dead, but to wish them into a situation in which they’ll likely die. For example, “I wish [so-and-so] would at this moment find themself in the middle of a lake of lava within a volcano, halfway submerged in the lava, with no adverse effects towards me thereof.”

 

#4) Don’t wish for people to fall in love.

Another one I’ve been against since beginning my professions as wish choreographer and supervisor unto idiots. What happens when you wish for Betty May to fall in love with you, and you discover a week into the marriage that she sleeps on the right side of the bed? You sleep on the right side of the bed. Boom, broken hearts. However, again, I remind myself of my responsibility. Unicorn horns will grant love wishes, as will Marshmallows and Wishing Wells. In regards to that last one, I do recall an absolutely adorable story regarding two cats…. Nevermind, my bad, I digress. I do tend to ramble.

    Loopholes!......________

It seems to me to be unethical to twist another’s will, however upon a moment’s introspection I find myself to do this all the time. Here, right now, as you read, I am changing the way you think. Each word triggers a different reaction within you, a different emotion. You are my puppet. I shake my head and continue typing. To get past the difficulties of love, such as wooing and dating, one would simply need to wish for the intended target to be attracted to your type, which would increase your chances with the intended target, or for them to have a rush of Adrenaline, followed by Dopamine, followed by Serotonin, sent to their brain on the sight of you. Something along those lines. With no adverse effects thereof.

 

Now, these guidelines are not perfect, for no web of intricately woven grammar and logic is impervious to the trickery of a genie or other wish-giving entity. However, if presented with multiple wishes, using the first wish to twist the genie’s ability may help. I’d recommend the following wish: “I wish for every phrase I utter towards you, including this one, to be interpreted by you in the way that I intend, with no adverse effects thereof.” Further research on the subject is required for a more thorough incantation, but go ahead. Try it. Let me know how it goes. Better yet, videotape it. I have no guarantee that you’ll come back from the experience, but don’t let that deter you. Go for it.

 

*snickers*

 

10: Lesson 10

Lesson 10: Modern Wishmaking

                Nothing stated previously in this guide is in any way fictitious or faulty, but I won't ignore modern advances in the field of wishmaking just to maintain symmetry in a beautiful nine chapter book. So beautiful. Just... the one chapter... followed by the second one... all the way until the ninth... I'll always have the memories, anyways. Point being, some new breakthroughs have been unveiled in this particular subject, so let's get right down to the brass tacks. All of us together, get down to them. There are so many. Like, a hundred. I shouldn't have tried to carry them all at once.

                I) Marshmallows
This is not a correction, merely an update. The information regarding Marshmallows is still classified, but some fool who had somehow stumbled upon the secrets of the white puffs changed [REDACTED] so that any [REDACTED] person who [REDACTED] would no longer [REDACTED], but would instead [REDACTED][REDACTED] until all the dust mites in the immediate surrounding area [REDACTED]. This of course doesn't change [REDACTED], since as of [REDACTED], no dust mites are legal citizens. Y'know, while we're on the subject of Marshmallows (respect thy power), perhaps it'd be best to mention more information about these particular wish-giving entities. Marshmallows grow from [REDACTED] to become fully formed bulbs of [REDACTED]. Because of the extent by which they are [REDACTED], many people don't know much about Marshmallows. Really? I had to [REDACTED] the word [REDACTED]? How many words can be [REDACTED] before every [REDACTED] becomes [REDACTED]? What?! I just said [REDACTED]! You can't change the rules on me like [REDACTED]! Oh, fine. [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED]. There, how do you like that, world government? I [REDACTED] my own [REDACTED]! Free your minds people! You can put "[REDACTED]" in place of any [REDACTED] you want! Hack the system! "[REDACT]" any words you want to! Haha, see?! They un[REDACTED] the word "word!" We can do this!

                II) New Relics
This is not the result of some foolish wish or any other variety thusly. Simply, relics aren't restricted to manifesting in old time periods. They are created whenever a genie dies (whatever physical, non-ethereal object last touched by any genie is imbued with the remaining magical energy previously contained within the devious host), so they can pop up over any time period when genies are living. New Relics can take the form of any modern thing, such as portable phones, televisions, personal computers, traditional household rotary phones, any street-side gas-lit lamp, one of the hundreds of individual cobblestones that line the streets of our burghs, monocles, bleached collars, an appreciation for classical music, steam locomotives, wood-fired stoves, Phrygian bonnets, quill pens, hats with lil' buckles in 'em, muskets, musket cleaners, fresh colonies, the pride of Great Britain, every ship called "Mayflower," scurvy-ridden crew members, thoughts of mutiny, controversial scientific concepts, books with long titles, monasteries, torture devices, the lowly serf, mud farms, monarchical governments, imperial armor, roman numerals, togas, Grecian wreaths, vases, vahses, sarcophagi, hieroglyphics, forty years in the desert, clay tablets, freshly tamed wolves, the invention of written language, stone tools, village communal fires, living dinosaurs, unidentified primordial goo, star dust, or fidget spinners, just to name a few.

     (skip a few...)

                ICIX) Modern Medicine
Nowadays, our medical technology is quite advanced, and it's no longer uncommon for wishes-gone-bad to be cured with every day home solutions. Here is a quick list of potential ailments caused by wishes, and the known cures that can make them obsolete:

AILMENT: Unwanted wings of an undesirable species.
SOLUTION: A splash of Apple Cider Vinegar.

AILMENT: Shredded home upholstery.
SOLUTION: Simple needle and thread.

AILMENT: Rodents of Not Normal Size.
SOLUTION: None. Run.

AILMENT: Human decency.
SOLUTION: Twenty-four hours of normal media programming.

                C) Discarded Wishes
There has been one rule added to the legendary Rules of Wishmaking that is worthy of note. In the new and updated expansion pack, a function was added which allows for a wish to be discarded if the wishmaker so... wishes. Ha, ha! *slaps knee* Ah, but seriously folks. The respective community of wish-granters mutually agreed within the past decade that should a person want to forego their remaining wishes, or even all of them, should they... wish-- my apologies, it's an addiction I deal with-- they should be allowed to. This would allow for someone who is uncertain whether or not they want wishes to simply discard them, thus no longer having to deal with the pressure. The wish-giving entities didn't agree to this willingly, of course. Some mysterious author who knew very much about wishmaking and longed to share his knowledge with the general public out of the goodness of his heart made a wish which put this rule in place. It certainly had nothing to do with the fact that more idiots than anticipated were seeking out and misusing wish-granting entities without properly consulting the guide material, and this mysterious author sought to rectify at least a few mistakes that he or others may potentially make in the future by ridding humanity of one of thousands of ways a person could screw up a wish. Ahem. The only wish-granting entity which did not give in to the rules is Leprechauns. What can one say, they're the outsiders of the community. Always with their leather hats, and cigarettes, and... and... Celtic rock. I don't know, what are the leprechaun kids into these days?

 

There ya go! One hundred changes in wishmaking in the last twenty years! Also, one finished guidebook. I deserve a medal. Good thing I already bought myself one. It's shiny.