Status: In Progress
Summary:
Created: March 23, 2014 | Updated: January 7, 2015
Genre : Fantasy
Language : English
Reviews: 0 | Rating:
Favorites: 1
Reads: 4299
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Reviews (0)
Comments / Critiques
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Chapter: 2 Reply
Though you've only posted two chapters so far, I'm very interested to see what's going to happen next. Though, I really have no clue where the story is going.
The time skip between the first chapter and the second was pretty abrupt, but I did catch on pretty quick. You made it pretty smooth, so kudos on that. You also did a good job setting up the characters so far, so I don't have much to criticize. You definitely established the personalities well within a single chapter.
Hopefully, a clear plot will come into play soon? Well, it's only been two chapters so far I guess so I should be patient...
Occasionally, I've spotted a few tiny mistakes, but other than that it's pretty clean and void of error. When you say, "The little, small infants right arm..." the wording is a bit weird. Saying both "little" and "small" is repetitive and you could definitely do with just one of them. When you describe Alfons, saying, "The boy’s only down fall,.." it should be "downfall" in one word. There are a few comma mistakes in dialogue as well--the first sentence of this chapter should end in a period.
But these are all nitpicky things. You have a nice, clean style of writing and I can't complain about the story itself yet. Good job and keep going. You've caught my attention with just two chapters! :)
April 6, 2014 | Liz uli
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Reply
Thanks for bringing my mistakes to my attention. I've never been especially good at editing, but I'll try and clean it up a bit as soon as I can. Thanks for the feedback as well!
April 17, 2014 | Danelle Septhon