"W-what? Where am I? This isn't Toronto..." A voice said in a Torontonian girl's dream world. "I want to go home..." It said again before the girl woke up.
The alarm clock was blaring in her half-brother's room, and since the apartment was mostly a single room, she walked to the kitchen area and splashed water on her face. "It was another one of those dreams... I have one question to ask: When are these gonna stop?" She said to herself, and the phone started to ring, and she answered it.
"Hello, Robson's residence. Amber speaking." She said. "Good morning, Amber. I'm calling from the hotel room to make sure if you were gonna meet me and my son in High Park in 10 minutes." A familiar voice said. "Sure, Richard. Just give me a few minutes to get ready." Amber said and hung up. "Wayne, I'll be out for a while." Amber said to her foster father before waking out of the apartment.
She was soon out of the highrise, with the July heat nearly making her sweat as she got out of the building. "Another summer day in Canada... Let's see how it turns out..." She said before starting to run, soon into a full dash, towards High Park. "I only graduated a couple years ago... And Alexander is still my boyfriend..." Amber thought before arriving at High Park. She walked towards the cherry blossoms to wait for Richard and his son, Kristopher.
While she is waiting, she sees a boy passed out in the bushes and she trots towards him. "Is he alright? I wonder how he got here." Amber thought before he woke up. "What's your name? And where are you from?" Amber asked him. "I'm... Matthew McKnight, and I'm from Australia, though I was in Alberta, Canada with my family." Matthew said. "Australia... Then if you were in Alberta, then how'd you get to Toronto so quick?" She asked Matthew. "There was an incident... involving me and some creature. And it left my sister, Andrea, somewhere... in the.... past..." He said before passing out again.
Amber tries to make him conscious, but she sees her childhood friend, Melody Cervantes, who was reading a book. "Hey, Melody! Can you take this boy to Guadagni's apartment?" Amber said to Melody. "Right away, Amber." Melody said and picked up Matthew and carried him to her apartment. Then, she sees Kristopher without his dad and she walks towards him.
"Kris? Where's your dad?" Amber asked him. "I don't know! He said that he has look for by sister, Alyssa, but he hasn't returned yet!" Kris said, slightly panicking. "Oh, my. I guess we'll have to-" She said before being interrupted by something that whizzed by her head. "What was that?" Amber asked herself. She told Kris to come with her and chased the creature, before ultimately catching it. As soon as she did that, however, it begins to glow, something that's unnatural.
"Um, Amber... What's it doing?" Kris asks Amber. "Wait... Is it...?" Amber wonders to herself. Kris grabs on to Amber and in an instant, they disappear without anyone noticing them. "Is this... time travel?" Amber thought, and she feels Kris losing his grip on her. "Kris...! Try to hang on!" Amber said to him. "I... can't keep my grip any longer..." Kris says to her and he loses grip, but Amber manages to grab his hand, but even then, they couldn't keep their grip on each other. They got separated, with Kris freaking out. "Kristopher!" Amber cries out, and she falls unconscious.
Comments must contain at least 3 words
Chapter: 1
I think this story has potential to be interesting, but there are a few things I'd like to point out:
A few quick things to keep in mind: A character's thoughts don't go in "quotations". Italicizing them is enough- quotations are for dialogue. Each character should get their own line of dialogue- don't put the words of two or more characters in one paragraph- always start a new one for each character. This could use a little bit of proofreading, since it has a few little mistakes here and there (for example it says waking instead of walking somewhere in the beginning).
From reading the story summary, it seems like it can be an interesting story, but it needs WAY more details. This first chapter is under 600 words and, while a story doesn't necessarily have to be long to be good, the amount of things happening in this chapter require MUCH more information (I'd say at least somewhere between 1000-2000 words). I have a pretty vivid imagination, but even I had a hard time creating the scene that you were writing in my head. We need sensory details and perhaps more dialogue.
Also, showing something happening rather than telling it is a very effective way of catching your reader's interest and getting them involved in the story. For example instead of saying "They caught the creature." Explain HOW they caught it (especially since this is the climax of the chapter you really want to use this here more than anywhere else).
Lastly, I was reading your story summary and I think that it would be a good idea to shorten it more to catch peoples' interest faster. It shouldn't be written like the back of a printed book, which is the vibe yours is giving me. Instead, it should be a very brief summary (really just a few sentences) about the main plot of the story. In my opinion it should start at the part that says "Amber Robson...." and end in the part that says "...era of the dinosaurs." You see, on the internet people have a lot less patience. It's not like reading a piece of paper (I believe this is actually scientifically proven). Therefore, you have to get to the point a LOT quicker or you're not going to get views.
I hope I was able to help. :)
December 14, 2014 | The Tigress