Formatting note: The words in italics represent the heroine’s inner thoughts, whereas the centred joined-up words are supposed to be the ‘voice’ she’s hearing in her head.

 

 

Title: Together

Chapter 1: Understanding doesn’t make my heart ache any less

 

“The one sacrificed for the many... that’s how you felt when you were chosen, isn’t it?” His voice is soft. “So you, of all people, should understand my position.”

Understand? Sure I understand. Yet understanding doesn’t make my heart ache any less.

But how do I tell him that?

“You’re my friend,” I say, equally quietly. “That doesn’t change.”

He closes his eyes momentarily, perhaps to hide a particular expression from me. “Thank you.”

An uncomfortable silence follows, broken once again by him. “Move on, Jay,” he says, sounding sad but also firm. “There’s nothing more here to hold you.”

I reach the limit of my self-control. “What do you mean, nothing?” I snap. “You’re not dead yet!”

“Stop it, Jay.” He has not even raised his voice. “I’m tired of arguing with you.” He does, in fact, sound exhausted. “I’m putting an end to all this, and that’s it.”

I start to speak, to tell him why that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard anyone say, and what I’m going to do to him if he continues spouting this kind of nonsense.

But he snaps his head up suddenly, his attention wholly diverted. “They’re coming.”

He swings his legs over the side of the bed, gets up and manages to stay upright after a few wobbles. He is obviously running largely on adrenaline, but his expression tells me he isn’t going to appreciate being told that right now.

“Stay here in the base. Whatever happens, don’t go out until I’m dead.” There is no mistaking the determination in his voice.

I try one final rebuttal. “Machaely...”

He cuts me off impatiently. “Just this once, Jayyeas, do as I say!”

I’ve done all I can to keep him alive.

This is his decision – to go out there and face the Dragoul...

and if he fails to defeat them, to give his life for us all.

 

If he wants to do this so much, what right do I have to hold him back?

 

I want to tie him down with chains and go out there to face the Dragoul myself. More realistically, I want to cry and beg him not to go. But I can’t do even that. I can’t say anything in the face of his resolve.

I suppose it shows on my face.

He gives me a light touch with a gloved hand and says gently, “Promise me you’ll stay here.”

I choke back a sob. “I... promise.”

 

 

 

Waiting. The thing I hate most in the world. Nothing I do can ever make time go any faster. Every second is a hell in itself, marked by a relentless and endless repetition of his words in my head.

“...you, of all people, should understand my position.”

I understand what it means for the one to be sacrificed for the many.

I was that one.

And I was ready to die for everyone else.

But then you changed everything for me.

 

You made me question the unquestionable.

 

“Why must anyone die at all?” I shout out loud. And then, when the echoes have ceased, I whisper forlornly, “And if it has to be someone... why must it be you, Mach?”

 

 

 

My endurance reaches the end of its tether and drives me outside into the cavern to look for him. Even equipped with the seeing-disks that conquer the darkness, it is hard. But finding him in a ominously motionless heap is even harder.

“Mach...” I whisper, “Don’t be dead... Don’t you dare be dead!”

I will him to be alive, murmuring his name over and over like an incantation for resurrection. He is too still, too limp, too much like a child’s stick doll that’d been trampled under uncaring feet. I run trembling hands over him, wishing that I could feel more through the gloves that encase my fingers, yet not daring to remove them.

I can’t lose you. I just can’t. Not now.

That would be too totally unfair to even think about.

2: Too unfair to even think about

Formatting note: The words in italics represent the heroine’s inner thoughts, whereas the centred joined-up words are supposed to be the ‘voice’ she’s hearing in her head.

 

 

Title: Together

Chapter 2: Too unfair to even think about

 

 

I can’t lose you. I just can’t. Not now.

That would be too totally unfair to even think about.

 

Finally, I take the glove off one hand and place a tremulous palm over where I think his throat should be.

My fingers sting like I’ve touched a poisonous creature, but then I’d expected that. A pulse of energy runs up my arm, instantaneously flinging me backward and breaking our skin contact. I gag involuntarily, overcome by nausea. Flashes of light zigzag across my vision, keeping bizarre time with the uncontrollable twitching of my muscles.

I groan, gather my determination and make a concerted effort to overcome the vertiginous nausea and bizarre involuntary movements of my limbs.

Bad... idea.

But...

At least I’m not dead.

When I’ve regained enough control of my body, I scramble to his side again. I reglove my hand, press a finger to the side of his neck.

Nothing.

“No.” I wriggle my fingers, searching desperately for a pulse. “It can’t be.”

My fingertips are slipping against a surface slick with moisture—sweat? blood?—going numb with tension. “You idiot!” I hiss in frustration. “You can’t be dead!”

And then I feel it. The slightest of reflexive movements, triggered by the pressure of my touch on his windpipe. It is enough. I slump, overcome with relief.

He’s alive.

.

For one long moment, I do nothing but bawl my eyes out, not caring that I’m acting exactly like the weepy weak-willed girls that I abhor. I cry like I’m ten years old again and I’ve just realised that Mach isn’t ever coming back. Only this time I’m not crying with grief over the loss of my best friend but with happiness that I haven’t lost him after all.

.

.

 

helphim

I jerk into nervous alertness, scrambling to my feet.

Did I really hear that?

I breath in and out deeply a few times, forcing myself to keep calm. I strain my ears, but there isn’t even a sigh in the still, heavy air of the cavern. I relax a fraction, chiding myself.

You’re over-excited, imagining things.

 

helphimhelphim

The words hang in the air like alarm signals. A wild sweep of my surroundings reveal nothing, even with my sight augmented by the seeing-disks over my eyes. The darkness blandly presents me with its customary featureless emptiness.

“Who said that?” I ask out loud, more out of uneasiness than because I am really expecting an answer.

assisthimnow

I literally jump aside. It’d sounded like the words have come from a point just beside my head. But no matter how hard I stare at the spot where I was standing, I can’t make out anything other than darkness and rock.

“Show yourself!” I shout, instinctively raising my voice even though my rational self knows that it would make no difference. No matter how loudly or how softly I make my challenge, it doesn’t matter a whit if whatever had say those words doesn’t intend to show itself. But rationality is becoming increasingly harder to maintain under my current circumstances.

“Come out right now!” I shout again for good measure, facing the opposite direction.

Nothing comes out of the gloom at my challenge.

damagecontrolactnownow

Beads of doubt appear. There is something not quite right about those words. The beads grow larger, begin congregating  to coagulate into a hazy comprehension. I start retreating in instinctive horror as my grasp of the implications becomes stronger.

urgentactnowurgent

 

 

The voice... it’s not coming from anywhere around me...

It’s INSIDE me.

 

There's something in my head and it's talking to me. The instinct of pure terror kicks in. I’m screaming, clawing at my hair, shaking my head maniacally, repeating in a crescendo of panic, “Get out! Get out of my head!”

My madness continues until I trip and fall heavily, knocking the breath out of myself. The strength drains out of my limbs with the cold paralysis of realisation. There can only be one explanation for the voice I am hearing, only one possibility of what that thing inside my head is...

The Golden One... has taken me over.

3: I hate waiting

Notes on character names – the ‘I’ is Jayyeas and the other protagonist is Machaely. They often refer to each other as ‘Jay’ and ‘Mach’.

 

 

 

Title: Together

I hate waiting

 

 

I lie on the ground, panting. The sheer awfulness of the recognition of my predicament is so immense that it feels almost like a physical weight crushing the life out of me. To say that I have a problem would be a massive understatement.

The Golden One... has taken me over.

The Golden One. The parasitic entity that had annexed Mach’s body. The reason that I was supposed to be eaten, so that my life would sustain it instead of it slowly killing Mach from the inside out. The same reason that Mach is in this state now – because he refused to take my life.  The very same Golden One that Mach had been trying to overcome by literally starving it out of him at the risk of losing his own life.

The Golden One is the source of this entire mess.

And now...

I’m carrying this monstrosity inside me.

 

The thought itself is physically nauseating. I feel unclean in every fiber of my being. Along with the disgust is anger—How dare it take me over?—and a sense of desperation. 

If I could see the damned thing, I’d tear it out of my body with my own hands.

 

But I can’t see it, or touch it, or even physically sense it inside me apart from hearing its appalling voice in my head. I clench my fists in frustration.

I hate this feeling of helplessness almost as much as I hate waiting.

 

 

A heavy sigh from Mach jerks me upright again. I take it as a positive sign – anything is better than his earlier limp lifelessness. I start to reach out to him, but catch myself just in time.

No.

I can’t touch him.

After all that... I can’t even touch him!

 

The thought is so maddening that I wanted to scream again.

maintaincontrol

prioritydamagerepair

I tense. My eyes search instinctively for the other presence, though my mind knows that there is nothing to see.

“Wh... what do you want?” I ask aloud. “Who... what... are you?”

prioritydamagecontrolnownow

My natural resilience—what Mach would call my maddening stubbornness—is kicking in. I realise that the voice is conveying pure meaning, not words; what I ‘hear’ is just my brain trying to make sense of the meaning.

What damned damage control is it talking about?

“What have you done to him, you monster?” I shout out, even though I now know that I don’t actually have to articulate my communication with the Golden One.

The answer comes swiftly. Suddenly, I know all these: he has internal injuries; he is bleeding in a few major organs; he is too weak to sustain the Golden One... and without immediate action on my part, he is going to die in a matter of hours.

A cold, angry calmness comes over me. I kill the urge to shout out my responses, directing instead all of my emotional force against the presence within me.

You, do something! Fix him!

 

The reply I get is not encouraging, to say the least.

insufficientresources

resupplyneeded

I curse the strongest curse that I know, which is admittedly relatively mild but serves the purpose. The implication is horrifying in its stark simplicity. To undo the damage, to save Mach... I would have to eat something.

Or someone.

It is not a prospect to be relished. The faces of all the people I’ve known who’ve fallen prey to the Golden One parade swiftly through my thoughts. And yet...

In order to save Mach, I’ll likely have to add at least one more casualty to that list.

For Mach to live, I’ll have to...

I almost can't bring myself to think the thought all the way through; it is too appalling, too horrifying, too much against everything I consider reasonable and sane.

 

I'll have to kill someone.

4: I am not a killer

Notes on character names – the ‘I’ is Jayyeas and the other protagonist is Machaely. They often refer to each other as ‘Jay’ and ‘Mach’.

 

 

 

Title: Together

I am not a killer

 

eatconsumereplenish

urgentnowneedresourcesnow

damagedrepairdamaged

The meanings rush at me, raising my heart rate, sending stress hormones coursing through my blood. I breath in and out deeply and rapidly, trying not to lose my head. With a gigantic effort, I manage to stop the panic before it tips me over into hysteria.

Get a grip on yourself. Mach’s depending on you!

Use your head. What is there to eat around here?

I curse again, wishing that I know more swear words, or at least some stronger ones than the totally inadequate ones I’m saddled with.

How do I even find anything in this damned darkness?

 

I fidget irritably with the seeing-disks, and then remembering, take them off altogether.

“I see what it sees.” That is what Mach had said when he was the carrier of the Golden One. So now that the disgusting creature is in me, I should be able to do the same.

The straps holding the disks are tangled, resisting my efforts to the point that I am forced to sacrifice a few clumps of hair to get them off. But it is worth it. I draw in a sharp breath at the result. My unaided vision is now well-nigh perfect except for a slight fading of colors. I make a slow turn, getting used to the nuances of my new ability.

So this is what it’s like to see with the Golden One’s eyes.

 

gonowurgentseekresource

consumereplenishrepair

 

The Golden One has resumed its harassing with a vengeange. I reel from the force of the insistent demand. But I’m not defeated by it.

“Shut up! Don’t tell me what to do!” I scream.

I know perfectly well that screaming makes no difference whatsoever to the presence within me.

But it damned well makes me feel a whole lot better.

 

Along with my composure, I regain my sense of time and a fresh realisation of the acute emergency I am facing.

What am I doing, daydreaming at this time?

Mach is dying.

I have to do something!

 

That’s right... I have to find something to eat.

 

Reluctantly, my thoughts push the only solution to the fore. There is only one other living thing that I know is in the vicinity that can provide enough energy for the Golden One – and Mach.

The Sacrifice. The young man from the settlement whom I’d earlier on watched being tied up and left drugged in the cavern, and subsequently abandoned to go off looking for Mach.

I’m going to have to eat him.

 

 

 

It is the strangest, hardest, most disgusting thing I have ever had to do. Even if ‘eating him’ doesn’t actually involve me biting him or using any other part of my body apart from my bare palms, it’s still repulsive and gross beyond anything I can describe.  I can feel the life pulsing out of the Sacrifice, coursing up through the skin of my palms into my core. With every second of contact, I feel the Golden One’s presence strengthening, feel my own consciousness weakening. It is getting almost impossible to think my own thoughts, to carry out my plan of not going all the way.

No... I can’t... do this

replenishreplaceconsume

I’m... killing... him

moremoretakeallavailableresources

NO!

 

I force myself to break the contact, wrench my hand away from him, make my body move away inch by hard-fought inch. My mind is interpreting the insistent drive within as hunger; a ravenous need that is a compelling, unsurmountable force driving me relentlessly towards completing the act.

processincompletetakeallavailableresources

I’m not going to!

insufficientmoremore

I am NOT a killer!

 

I strive with everything I have against it, and manage to move myself far away enough for the voice inside to change its priority.

repairurgentnownow

prioritynowurgentnow

nowrepairurgentnow

 

I breathe out heavily as the pressure lets up just a fraction. The new urge is just as intrusive as the first one, but at least it is not at odds with my own agenda.

nowrepairurgentnow

You don’t have to tell me that, you monster.

I know what’s important to me.

 

I’ll find a way to deal with the invader later. Right now, my only concern is Mach. I hope with everything that is me that he is still alive by the time I get to him.

 

Hold on, Mach. I’m coming.

5: Desire union completion

Title: Together

Chapter 5: Desire union completion

My pulse hammers in my ears. My insides feel like they’ve turned into liquid and only half solidified again in runny disarray. The skin of my palms is almost completely numb, and I can’t see for the constellation of shooting stars that fill my eyes. But it’s worth it, because there is no longer a threat to Mach’s life. I know this because ... I just do; the knowledge is intrinsic, imparted by my invisible tenant. I am still kneeling over him, panting, one bare hand suspended over the site of the last repair. I am bathed in the comfort brought by the one thought that fills my mind.

Mach is going to live.

Much as I hate to admit it, the Golden One had played a significant role towards that end. I still have a vague sense of disbelief at how I had just known where the damaged areas were, known how to direct the energy I’d absorbed at the damage, and how the energy had flowed out through my palms to repair and rejuvenate Mach’s tissues and organs.

In any case, however ungraciously I am taking the Golden One’s contribution, the important thing is that all the potentially fatal internal injuries have been healed. However, Mach's external injuries I can do nothing about; I am spent, both myself and the creature within me. Not that its contribution makes me accept to any degree at all its residence within me – I’m still thinking of how to get rid of it without harming Mach or anyone else. I take a few seconds to direct a sour thought at my unwelcome passenger.

At least you’re good for something!

The internal voice is silent, either too weak to put up a protest or too different  in the way it experiences emotions to recognise my sarcasm. I leave it at that; picking a quarrel with something that’s inside you is no more satisfying than talking to yourself.

I am forced, however,  to admit that the Golden One is right. I have not taken in enough energy from the Sacrifice. ‘Fixing Mach’—which is how I think of it—has used up not only the newly-acquired energy but a substantial part of my own energy reserves. I am acutely aware that my own body is in a critical condition, barely able to sustain the Golden One and my own life.

I think...

I might be...

 

dying.

 

The thought is not as horrifying as I’ve always imagined it might be. I do feel sad that I have to die without the chance to do everything I’d wanted to together with Mach. But I have no regrets.

I’m dying, but it means Mach will live.

So it doesn’t matter.

My life for his.

 

 

Like I’d wanted all along.

 

But now there is a new factor that demands my attention. Without my conscious awareness, my hand has been lowering itself slowly, narrowing the gap between my fingers and his skin to almost nothing. I am suddenly aware of an urge to touch, to connect. It is overwhelmingly urgent and almost irresistibly alluring.

desireunioncompletion

I snatch back my hand, tuck it under my arm for good measure. That accursed thing inside me is acting up again. It’s maddening. I express my anger out loud with a hearty curse while inwardly directing all my willpower towards preventing the incident from repeating.

Oh no, you don’t! I’m not letting you back inside him!

The presence struggles, making an ineffectual attack against my defenses. I squash it with brutal finality, imagining myself smashing a slimy boneless creature into mush. It squirms in protest, but that is little more than a reflex action. It, too, is spent, having been weakened by the repairs as much as I have, to the point that I am able to keep it contained in one small part of my mind as long as I keep enough of my attention on the task. That, however, puts me in an ambiguous position. On the one hand, the Golden One’s feebleness means I can keep Mach safe from it, but on the other, it also means that I am effectively immobilised, because the effort of containing the dark passenger takes every ounce of my already depleted strength.

After a while, the alien being recovers enough to launch a modest counter-attack. It is nothing if not persistent—a trait that I’ve been told I possess, and more often than I need to be—as I reflect with grim humour.

desireunioncompletion

No. Absolutely not.

letgorelease

I’ll let you go, but only if you go back to your own kind.

DESIREUNIONCOMPLETION

​Let's just see who's more stubborn!

6: I will not touch him

Title: Together

Chapter 6: I will not touch him

 

 

DESIREUNIONCOMPLETION

The latest manifestation of the desire within me makes me gasp with its intensity. Along with the yearning thought comes the dawn of realisation. My mind is slowly adapting to the alien presence, moving into a curious state wherein I comprehend its meanings and intentions instantaneously.  I understand...

... that the Golden One had reached some kind of threshold,

...breached some unknown boundary,

...and is thus no longer acceptable to its brethren;  

it can no longer return to its kind.

 

And now all that it wants is to be back inside Mach.

 

I fully apprehend the implications of the pressing thought that keeps hammering away at my consciousness. The Golden One wants to be in Mach much more than it wants to be in me. The need translates itself in my thoughts and feelings as want and hunger and desire, bordering on lust. It’s invaded my consciousness and fills every corner of my thoughts, picking up on the fondness and  attachment that I already have for Mach and magnifying those emotions to a monstrous, suffocating obsession.

He had been its coveted goal all along; I’m just a convenient tool.

It’s using me to achieve its purpose, and it doesn’t care what that does to me.

The thought is both unflattering of my worth and belittling of my capabilities. But I refuse to be cowed or discouraged. I grapple with the notion and turn it to my advantage instead, using it to strengthen my determination to keep the presence neutralised.

The only way you’ll get him over my dead body.

Literally.

desireunioncompletion

desireunioncompletion

desireunioncompletion

The thought is like an insistent scratch, irritatingly impossible to ignore. I hold on grimly against its demand and crawl away from Mach just to be safe, inch by torturous inch.

I

Will.

Not.

Touch.

Him.

 

It is exhausting. The moment I let my concentration slip, I am beset with the compulsion to touch, to hold, to join, to become completely one with him.

I can’t...

I musn’t...

.

but I want to...

 

so, so much.

 

In an attempt to distract myself, I divert my thoughts to concern for him. I am at a disadvantage because I can't take the risk of getting too near him to express this concern, but I do what I can. I call  out his name, softly at first, and then more loudly when he fails to respond.

It has the desired effect. He opens his eyes, blinks, sits up sluggishly.

“Mach!”

“Jay?” He looks around in confusion, even though I am no more than a body length away. “Why is it so dark?”

Of course. He can’t see in the dark anymore.

“Here.” I throw the seeing-disks into his lap.

He starts in surprise at the sudden weight in his lap, then begins to grope at the item, frowning  and seemingly too bewildered to say anything. After a while, he works out their nature and puts them on, speaking as he does so. “What’s happened, Jay?”

I don’t answer his question because I just don’t know how to. Instead, I counter with a query of my own. “How are you feeling?”

He turns to face the direction of my voice. The disks must be running down, because he doesn’t find me right away.

I can’t move myself, but at least I can still guide him with my voice. “I’m here,” I say.

He turns and, he’s finally looking at me. He looks more worried than perplexed now, like someone expecting bad news.

I give him a shaky smile. “Peekaboo, here I am.”

A hesitant smile flashes across his face in response and he starts to move towards me. But he stops dead when I hold up one hand... which begins glowing.

The appalled expression on his face tells me everything I want and need to know about his opinion of the situation.

“It’s weird,” I say irrelevantly, just to fill the ominous silence that befalls us.

“No.” He shakes his head, his entire body slumped in despair. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this!”

My insides twist themselves into an agonised tangle of feelings in conflict with rational thought.

I want to hold him.

desireunioncompletion

 

I want to tell him it’s fine, everything’s going to be alright...

desireunioncompletion

 

I want to wrap his arms around me and feel safe in his embrace.

desireunioncompletion

 

I want hold his hands tightly and face the odds like we used to... 

together, Jay and Mach against the world.

desireunioncompletion

 

But I can’t.

desireunioncompletion

SHUT UP!

7: It isn't supposed to be like this

Title: Together

Chapter 7: It isn’t supposed to be like this

desireunioncompletion

SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

My last mental outburst forces the intruder into submission. I turn my attention to Mach – I have to warn him of the danger he’s in. Right now he’s looking at me with puzzled eyes, not moving but poised for it, the muscles in his body taut with tension.

I search for the words to convey the message in the fastest and most effective way, but “Mach...” is all I am able to manage before I have to concentrate on yet another internal assault.

DESIREUNIONCOMPLETION

I wrestle it down again, try to warn him again, manage only to gasp out his name again. He tries to get up but finds that too challenging, so he starts crawling forward, eyes wide in alarm in response to the panic in my voice.

“What is it?”

My next attempt at communication is slightly better, if overly concise. “Please... leave. Now.”

He looks at me as if I’ve said something in an alien language.

“Go!” I urge. “Get out of here!”

He finally manages to get to his feet. He is looking torn. “But...”

I hold up both hands, stopping him again. I’m starting to light up like some freakish overgrown glow worm.

DESIREUNIONCOMPLETION

I mentally picture fastening a gigantic chain around the Golden One in order to focus my thoughts. It seems to work, because I get a precious handful of seconds of silence in my head. I waste three of those seconds just breathing before I start jabbering at him. “Listen to me, Mach. That thing is in me,  trying to take me over. You have to leave. Now. Before I lose control. Go!”

The desperation in my words mobilises him at last. He takes a few obedient steps in the appropriate direction, and then turns to look at my again, open mutiny on his face.

I wave my hands weakly, lacking the strength to do anything more rigorous. “Leave me here.”

The idiot does the exact opposite of that, reversing the steps he’d taken earlier.

“Stop!” I cry when he’s come within arm’s length. “Don’t come any nearer!”

“Jayyeas....” I have never heard him sound so helpless.

It’s so hard not to give in and just lose myself in his closeness. But the price for that is too high. I steel myself against his anguish, try my best to sound sensible and reassuring. “It’s the only way, Mach.” 

“It isn’t ... supposed... to be... like this,” he says again. I can hear his guilt and heartbreak in every syllable.

I put on a bright, brisk manner, inject cheerfulness into my voice—however forced—as my armour against the despair that threatens to engulf both of us. “I can hold it down, but it’s taking an effort. So anyway we can’t tou...”

“No!” he interrupts savagely, taking another half step forward. “I won’t let this happen!”

desireunioncompletion

dEsiREUnioncOMPletiON

DESIREUNIONCOMPLETION

“Mach, don’t!” I close my eyes, fighting to keep the inner rebellion down and attend to the outward crisis at the same time. “The Sacrifice... I almost killed him!” my whole body begins shaking with the renewed trauma of the memory. “I can’t... I won’t ... I don’t want to kill anyone.”

He calls my name again in anguish.

“Please, Mach...” I open my eyes and lock gazes with him. “You have to leave me here.”

“How... can... I?” His eyes are bright with suppressed tears.

My answer is not difficult to compose. “The same way you were ready to die for me, Mach... Now live for me.” As I speak, I maintain the eye contact, staring fiercely into those blue depths as if trying to burn my words into his head.

“I can’t....”

“Just this once, Mach, do as I say!”

It is the exact same command that he had given me. Only this time it ends with our roles reversed; not with Jay meekly giving in, but with Mach crying, Mach stumbling backward away from Jay, Mach disappearing into the gloom.

desireunioncompletion

It’s over. He’s gone.

 

desireunioncompletion

You’ll never get him back.

 

desireunioncompletion

Oh, give up already!

8: Together

Title: Together

Chapter 8: TOGETHER

The inner voice is silent at last.  I keep up my vigilance for a while longer before finally giving in to a brief moment of grief.

I’d wanted so much to continue our friendship where it’d been interrupted...

And maybe go a little further.

 

I guess I’ll never know how that ends.

I lean back against the rock behind me, sighing. The consciousness within me stirs, puts out tentative feelers... only to withdraw in disappointment at the absence of any trace of Mach nearby.

desireunioncompletion

The thought feels tired and defeated now, as if the Golden One has given up. I smile grimly at that, but in the midst of the satisfying sense of triumph, there is an unexpected hint of sympathy.

Yes... I understand.

The desire for union and completion... I’ve felt that way before.

 

 

I know what it’s like wanting something more than anything else and knowing it’ll never be yours.

It’s hell.

 

 

I wished I’d kissed him properly when I had the chance.

 

The darkness closes in around me, feeling somehow comforting and accepting where it had been antagonistic and threatening before. The darkness has been my adversary right from the beginning of all this, but now it seems we have reached a truce. I no longer fear or hate its obscuring power, and it in turn no longer rejects me but flows around and over me with a promise of oblivion.

Well, I guess there’s nothing more to do now.

Just wait.

More waiting... wonderful.

What better way to go is there?

 

 

 

And then the darkness changes.

I no longer have the strength to move, but even without opening my eyes, I know he is coming. I track his continued approach  with my other senses until I can hear his breathing and by that, know that he is right in front of me.

I wait for the presence inside to flare up into insistent demand, but it is quiet. It isn’t completely gone, but it is so weak as to offer no more resistance to my imposed will.

It’ll be dead soon... and probably...

So will I.

 

 

He takes my gloved hand.

Stupid Mach. Why didn’t you leave?

I can’t even open my eyes to look at him. “Why...” It takes all my strength just to breathe out that one word, what more the rest of my reproach.

Still, he seems to understand my unspoken question. “Because I just couldn’t.”

I struggle to show a response to that, but only manage to flutter my eyelids and make a weak, incoherent sigh of a sound.

“Hush. Save your strength."

He had taken me into his arms, by the feel of it. Since there is no transfer of energy between us, I suppose he must be fully suited up like I am.

He cradles me gently, rocking me like a baby.

 

I can hear his ragged breathing...

His voice is gentle when he speaks. “Ever since that time... we read that story...”

keeping bizarre time with mine.

 

 I can feel drops of moisture on my cheek...

“All I wanted was to live my life with you... happily ever after... just like it said in the story.”

still warm from his body.

 

His arms are trembling as he holds me...

“Dammit, Jay, if I can’t have that...”

...tightly, as if afraid I would slip out of his grasp again.

 

It’s so hard to breathe, but I hang on to the shreds of my consciousness...

“If I can’t live together with you...”

to catch every last echo of his voice.

 

I can’t feel my body anymore...

“At least I can die together with you.”

but I know he hasn’t let me go.

 

I want to smile.

“Together,” he repeated.

I want to tell him I love him.

 

 

 

The darkness is perfect, unbroken, relentless in its conquest; it rises to meet us, comforting and serene.

 

 

 

THE END