Sparkatale

i love the Violent little sprawl you had there but id love to see some more accurate time zoned vocabulary.

Nicely done, overall!

There were a few grammatical errors, such as a mix-up with homonyms, tense switches when it came to past and present tense, and a few personal qualms of mine, such as repetition and the occasional influency in a dialogue. Occasionally, a character would jump from a very formal speech (i.e, "will soon follow") to a very casual, modern way of talking ("you guys"). As for the repitition, "only" was repeated quite a bit as a transition, as well as "shoulder width apart," though that is an easy fix. The dialogue qualm also happened a bit in the story when words like "things" and "stuff" were used. Generally, I'd say that those should be avoided. Also, a last little qualm of mine: sometimes, the character's actions and emotions contradicted. I'd just say that you might want to give "show, don't tell" details to communicate her emotions to the reader. As for the other little edits, I've seen the suggestion to read the chapter aloud to yourself, and I really like that. It will help the story flow, and get rid of many of those grammar errors. :)

That seems like a long paragraph, I know; but it's really not that many issues I had. I can sometimes be a wordy person, and I apologize for that...

All of that said, I really like the plot, and the story is interesting and attention-grabbing. Your main character seems interesting, as do her companions. Keep writing!

~Raine

Thank you for your input!! I noticed the dialog as I was reading it to my friend and I am not sure about have to fix it quit yet. I need to do some research on that. As towards showing my emotion I will try to do better at describing things! As to some of the wordy stufF, i will reread it and see what I can do to change it!! THANK YOU FOR YOUR ADVISE!!!

No problem; I'm glad I could help! Keep writing!