Sparkatale

Oh and thank you very much (I forgot to add that my bad.)

Sure, that is something I can do, I will let you know once I have added it =)

A good start here, I can not wait to read more =)

A very good thing *shudders* I have a hard time cleaning the litter tray my cat uses XD

Thank you very much for commenting on my story for me, the dung part was the part of it I liked the most myself (though it make me feel a bit icky thinking of someone grabbing handfulls of poo, no matter how dried up lol.) ^.^

Thank you I appreciate it and I will keep that in mind =)

That might be good, if you are saying she is a weak girl to beginwith have her wake up first, then she can jump at the alarm when it goes of or something?

Fair enough. ^.^ As I mentioned before, I am just giving my opinions on how to make your story flow a little better, it's up to you to take or leave it and me to smile, shrug and say "It is your story."

I'm glad you can still take what you will from my suggestions, that does make me happier. And also because I like your story I shall keep reading it =D

Ack I just realised how arrogent that sounded, but I assure you I am not. I know I am a far from perfect writer myself. ^.^; My editor yells at me all the time to fix my tenses and such so please don't misunderstand me as others have done. m(_ _)m

Thanking you and looking forward to more~

Alright, I finished this chapter and although good I find your first sentance unbelieveable.

I know I for one when waking up from a nightmare I am sitting bolt upright on the bed, my heart hammering, scared from the dream and startled from the noise of the alarm clock.

Do you think her waking and calmly rolling over to turn off the clock logical? Even if she is not sitting bot upright, don't you think she would have atleast jumped?

Again this is just my opinion m(_ _)m

 

I enjoyed this preface, there is only one part I think would sound better written a different way:

'My foot hits something tripping me. For a few seconds I try to catch my balance. I realize instantly that I made a mistake as my ankle twists and gives way beneath me. Lightning sharp pain shoots up my leg.'

Something like... 'My foot catches and for a few heartstopping moments I try to regain my balance. Lightning sharp pain shoots up my leg forcing a cry from my lips as my ankle twists painfully.'

 

Oh, I forgot to mention... It is a good intro to what seems to be the bigginings of an interesting story. I am more then happy to continue if you wish.

Please remember, these are just my opinions and suggestions, I will apoligise now if I sound harsh.

'My attention is drawn to the liquid swirling TV Screen. I am overcome with the urge to touch it. I reach forward to touch it. My hand doesn't meet solid glass as I predict. What the, my hand feels like I am covering it in oil, and it goes far past the distance it should have stopped."

'My attention was focused on the swirling telivision, the flowing was mesmerising. Overcome with the urge to see if the flowing felt as smooth as it looked, I hesitantly reached forward, my fingers spread. It was to my everlasting shock when my hand reached through the screen and into the oil-like feel, I began to panic when half of my arm became submurged.'

'I try to pull my hand out but it clings to me slowly pulling me in like quicksand. The slippery sensation slinks up my arm. A chill runs down my spine at the wrongness of it. Before long it covers me and I find myself no longer in the library.'
 

'I struggled now, desprate to get away from the telivision. But the liquid clings to my arm pulling me in deeper, it has engolphed my whole arm now. My blood turns cold, this felt wrong. I try to scream, but before a sound could slip past my open lips the liquid covers me, drawing into it's black nothingness.'


Would you like me to continue?

A great start to what will be a very interesting story, I personally would change a lot of the 'said, replied, asked' in the last six lines,

“So ten o’clock sharp, okay? Does your clock still work? Or did you guys use up your monthly electricity ration already?” Gen quired.

“Still works,” Adin's chin lifted in pride. “Jackie and I built a sundial last week. That way, we can shut the clock off when the sun is up. You should try it.”

  “That’s genius,” Gen smiled from ear to ear at his friend.

Something like that you know? but this is just my opinion you know. I look forward to reading more! ^.^

I will do this paragraph by paragraph, first one: I think it will sound better: 'My grandfather once told me the story of a man,  a man I see everyday but do not understand. '
'The jewish, gypsy’s, homosexuals, or disabled were just garbage to them, in the perfect world they wished to create there would be no place for them.'

Second:  I listened to my grandfather tell the tale, to this man (?) a human life is nothing. He had spent two years in a camp that ripped all emotions from him. I understand life in the camp was tough, but why do people treat him so special now?  People give him things for free, they hold doors for him to walk in to buildings first, they act like he is so special.  Lots of people lived in the camps, why treat this man different? I went to home (?) to get ready for bed still trying to rationalize the special treatment for such a man.  I relaxed from some time on the Playstation before stumbeling to bed falling into a deep sleep.  I woke to one of the worst smells I had ever smelled, to cries and moans of betrayal, and the pain, I woke to the world of the holocaust.
 

Third:

Letting my eyes focus I slowly look around, from the wooden base of the top bunks urine stain, and slowly over to the right. I stifle a gasp, the person on the next bed had not survived the night and his sightless eyes startled me. I could not help the thought of him being lucky from slipping into my mind. Turning my gaze away I look over to my left, watching the figure in the other bed, the chest rose and fell with his breaths, he was alive and sleeping. How did I get here and what the hell happened to me?

  Fourth: I try to shake myself awake, pinching my skin which over night has turned a sickly gray and is stretched tight over my bones. The pain is intolerable, never in my life have I been so hungry. I try to move, to scoot to the edge of the bed. My bones are grinding, rubbing against one another, no tissue to keep them from touching. I hear loud footsteps, someone is coming.  They grab my feet and yank me from the cot.  I fall to the dirt ground the impact breaks my left shoulder, I attempt to cry out but I cannot make much of a sound. They kick me as I struggle to stand, all around me the others on the cots are torn from slumber, stumbling to their feet or crumpling to the ground unable to stand.  We are marched outside every step nauseating, it is so bitterly cold and my shoes are retched excuses for protection from the elements.

Fifth and Sixth:  On what was once the lawn we are lined up for role call.  I wear a badge, it identifies me as a man I do not know.  How did I get here, why oh why am I here?  How can anyone go through this?  Oh god please, I have to wake up now please. I did not wake. We are marched off to help with the piles, the mounds of corpses.  Hundreds upon hundreds of naked men, just dumped there when they died.  As I approached the first, I see a face staring out not with the sightless gaze I had met when I woke, with terror.  The man, oh my god. I am in the camp with my grandfathers friend.  He is just a small boy hiding among the rotting piles of humanity.  Even though he is a child, I know it to be him, the look in his eyes today, I see on this child’s face.  I understand, let me wake, he went through hell, I understand why he acts the way he does, please let me wake.

Seven:    We are forced to walk on and to a brick building.  The guards open the doors we are sent in. Inside the dead are stacked in a pyramid a large mass of bodies in vearing states of decay.  They order us to drag the bodies to the corpse hills.  With my shoulder hanging useless at my side, I cannot drag the dead.  The guards pull me aside, respite I hope.  They take me around the building to a line of people.  I wait in this line for hours, freezing in the cold wind, no coat or hat, hardly moving an inch.  The line begins to move forward we are checked off as we pass the SS guards.  Some of the guards spit on us as we move by, their hatered easy to read on their faces.

Eight:     Inside other guards wait for our arrival, they make us remove our clothing, our shoes.  A hundred breathing skin covered skeletons are forced into a shower room.  Warm water is sprayed down on us, oh thank god heat, a warm shower it feels so good. The happiness at being warm for the first time in a very long time however does not last.  Naked, we are marched into a room.  Oh hell, I have been in this room, it was full of bodies, I could not carry them, so now I am to become one of them.  Panic sets in, I am a boy trapped in a man’s body, I am not even supposed to be here.  The door slams shut behind us very little light filters into the room.  From above we hear foot steps walking across. The people are milling about terror on everyones faces.  No one knows what is to happen next.  There are trap doors in the blue stained ceilings the doors open and pills are dropped.  As they fall the gas begins to fill the room.  My lungs stop working when the gas hits.  I gasp for air I feel like a fish thrown up on the bank of a pond.  I cannot breathe, everyone is scrambling one over the other trying to reach air.  All attempts to breathe are futile. I am stepping on faces, children, I hear the bones of the bodies break as I clammer for air.

I can not say I liked your story, who could like something like that? What I can say about it is that you gave a great look into a tiny part of what it would have been like in one of those hell holes. Thank you for writing this.

OK, first paragraph... So much wrong here... Let me start with this:  Your writing is very choppy here, it does not flow well for the reader. the major pick I have with this is 'The elders of the village put the barrier up a long time ago after they came back to the village after what happened.'

You need to expand more in my opinion, I personally think something like this: The elders of the village had put the barrier up just after their return, their thoughts still on what had happened to them.

Your second paragraph has no 'Ally' written as 'ally'. you have the number 5 insted of the word (bookes always read better with words not numbers)

Then you chop to a dream, 'Later that night, Ally had a dream.' is not the best way to start something like that.

And after the dream you have 'the next morning' again not a good way to start. I think you need a beta writer to help you deal with things like this...

If you are willing I could help with that... I am not trying to be maen with my comments here, I do think you have a very good story (from what I managed to read of it before I could not take any more.) And once it is fixed up I will happily continue to read it, thus right now I am withholding my rating. (I would not give it a high one as it stands now.)

Again, sorry if I have upset you.