Sparkatale

1) ‘…but we’re here on a mission, not to do some heroic[,] last stand, kamikaze nonsense[,] okay?’ minor punctuation error with the commas, but otherwise good structure. 2) ‘Grimes said with his face an inch away from Rogers[’].’ Try to avoid repetition. 3) ‘These two men were so into the fight that they could not here the gunfire[s/gunshots] going off nearby.’ 4) ‘Grimes yells as he provides covering fire while get in the driver’s seat of the Humvee.’ A bit of bad wording and tense use. I wonder if: ‘[Grimes yells while he provides cover(ing) fire and gets into the driver’s seat of the Humvee].’ Would not work better? A bit more detail and information about who is being talked about. 5) ‘Look[s] like everything is going according to plan, kid…’ watch your parts of speech. 6) ‘No disrespect sir, but you always jump to conclusions and I don’t…’ always a comma before ‘but’. 7) ‘…a frown and eyes that [say]…’ watch your tenses 8) ‘The “drug container” out in the small town of Sun-Borough is [a] large, four story warehouse.’ OR ‘The “drug container” out in the small town of Sun-Borough is as large [as a] four story warehouse.’ 9) ‘…but few decide to do anything about it, because…’ I do believe a comma always comes before ‘because’, but I am not entirely sure. 10) ‘WHAT THE HELL IS THIS[?/?!]’ it’s a question. Quite an interesting story you have comprised here. I enjoyed reading it C: And I have to say, I find it quite interesting that you chose to write in the present instead of past. What inspired that, I wonder? Tips: I would recommend rereading this aloud to yourself. There are a few tense and punctuation errors. There are also some oddly comprised sentences. I am sure I did not catch everything, but hopefully my edits can help you? Keep up the good work! --Amadath

Very interesting story, and quite entertaining. Love the description of the aliens and nice character development. I very much like Yax’s personality. And I like the comment about him being Glorck’s supervisor, not the girlfriend.

Odd writing at times, and a few missing words in areas, but other than that, well done. The only things I would say are:

-when writing ‘out-of-context’ sentences, refrain from bringing words together, like “he’d would’ve, haven’t”; instead write them out. It sounds better and looks a little more professional.

-this sentence, not that there is anything too wrong with it, I, personally, would have said, “He did not say anything else.”

-slight prepositional mistake here: ‘on his home world.’ The ‘on’ in this case should be ‘in’. If you were to use ‘on’, the sentence would say, “on his home planet.’

-‘He promptly ate, then spat out, the foul thing.’ The comma between ‘out’ and ‘the’ makes a comma splice. The comma should be, one, after ‘then’, or, two, just not there at all and leave the first one.

I would recommend going through and reading the story aloud just to catch some other errors. Other than that, excellent job!

--Hiynm