The Finding
It was at the very peak of winter, just about time for Christmas. The snow outside was coming close to ending, sun casting a shining and warmful glow on it. "It looks like we're finally going to actually get some sun out here.", spoke a tall man with dark hair standing by the window to observe the outside." Danny, it's probably only going to last a good ten minutes like it did last time.", Danny's sister Jennifer stated. He scoffed, "I sure hope not. Most places don't start getting snow until now. We've been dealing with it since October." She looked out the window and sighed, "Maybe we should just move back to Florida." Danny turned around and looked at her seriously. "No, we have to be here!" "You've been searching for her for months. I just don't think you can find her now." "Just because I haven't found her doesn't mean that I won't. Stacey is out there in this huge mass of a city somewhere." He started pacing back and forth. "I know they took her. This area of Switzerland is the only part in the world The Finding has been known to live in." She looked at him with a confused expression. "Why is it taking so long to find Stacey then? Isn't there a certain place in the city they're at that you can just go to and get her out?" "Well, that's the catch. They're spread out colonies which makes it extremely hard to figure out which one she's with. Most of them even fit in with the normal population. I just wish our parents were here. They'd be able to help us." "I wish they were too. They're not though, which means we have to figure this one out without them. Just remember this; you're not going to have to do this alone. You have me, and you always will."
On the outside of the city, way on the other side at an old warehouse Stacey was sitting in an enclosed room praying. "Please let me see my Dad again. I know he's looking for me, but please help me." Just then two men walked into the room and laughed at her. "Aw, she misses her Daddy." They laughed again. She backed up into a corner with her legs crossed. "He's coming to find me. I bet he's already on his way right now." "Oh, is he?" She nodded. "I see. Sorry to tell you this little girl. However, your Aunt is helping us make sure that nothing of the sort happens." "No, my Aunt Jen loves me. She wouldn't do..." Alf, the leader of The Finding yelled, "Hey, what's taking so long! Bring her in here!" Stacey gulped. The children there never had to go to Alf except when they first were captured. It usually meant they were being punished because Alf suspected they did something wrong. His punishments weren't exactly normal either. The two men grabbed Stacey and quite literally, dragged her out of the room. When Stacey saw Alf, she gulped again. "Am I in trouble Sir?" He smiled at her. "No, not at all. Come on, sit down." He nodded at the men. "Thank you. You can leave now." They left the room and then Alf turned back to Stacey. "Now Stacey, you have proved to be exceptionally special girl in your time here. Did you know that?" "Um, why are you telling me this?" "Because it's true. The point is, how would you like to work in here, with me, instead of doing the labor work. Stacey looked shocked. "Look, I don't know why you think I'm special and all, but I don't want to work Sir. I just want to go home." Alf slapped her across the face hard and forced her to look at him. "Don't you dare disobey me! You do what I tell you to do! You're going to work whether you want to or not, and you're definitely not about to leave! No one leaves this place!" He slapped her again. "Do you understand me?" When she didn't answer, this time he punched her in the Stomach. "Do you understand me?" She choked out, "Yes, I understand." He smiled. "Good, now go back to your cell." Then Stacey all but ran out of the room.
Two months later, Danny and Jennifer were driving on their way to the airport to go back home, when Jennifer suddenly shouted, "Wait! I think that farm we passed might be where she's at!" Danny stopped the car and looked at her, "with the old warehouse?" She nodded. "I guess we'll check it out then." When they pulled into the driveway of the warehouse, Jennifer smirked. "The plan's finally in action", She thought. They got out of the car and walked into the warehouse. Danny sniffed and said, "Why does it smell like a sewer in here?" Alf walked out and told him, "It's homemade gasoline. We do that here." He then looked over at Jennifer. "Long time, no see. I'm utterly surprised that you actually followed my request to bring him here." "I always finish my duties. I just had to wait for the right time." He nodded, "Right time indeed. I'm Alf, the leader of The Finding." Danny jumped back and shook his head. "Wait, you've been working for them this whole time? But I thought we were in this together!" "You thought wrong.", said Alf. "Jennifer you stay her, boy's take him to the cells." When they got to the cells they threw him down on the ground and told him he had a choice to leave and live, or try to rescue his daughter an die. Then they left. "Dad!" "Stacey!" He ran in the direction of her voice. "Stacey, we have to get out of here!" "But you heard what they said, they'll kill you!" "I won't let that happen, now come one." They ran and almost got out of the building when Jennifer came and tackled him, with a gun in her hand. "Daddy!", Stacey yelled and ran in front of him. "Stacey no!", Danny yelled, but it was too late. Jennifer had shot Stacey by accident.
A few hours later, Danny and Stacey were at the hospital, and Stacey was completely fine, aside from a broken rib and arm. "So how does it feel?", Danny asked his daughter. "Like a knife just sitting in my rib. But I'm fine." "That's good. Well, the doctors told me that should be okay to go home, but there's alot of medicine for you to take." "That's okay, I'm just glad to go home." Then he signed her out and they left to go home.
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Chapter: 1
First off, you need to separate each different speaker into a different paragraph. This first paragraph shouldn't really even exist as it is. Actually all of your paragraphs are made up like this where you have back to back dialogue. Example? Second paragraph - She backed up into a corner with her legs crossed. "He's coming to find me. I bet he's already on his way right now." "Oh, is he?"- Have you ever seen a book written like that? The answer is no. When in doubt on how to do something correctly in terms of format, grammar, and structure pick up any novel that's not Twilight or Fifty Shades of Gray and see how it's done. I know that some people may quote artistic/creative license, but the reason ALL publishing houses follow the same basic rules is that no reader will continue a book if its difficult to follow who's speaking and what's going on. That is the biggest editing thing you cna do for this piece.
October 10, 2013 | D.M. Gergen