From the first hello
I knew you would be dangerous to me
Your charming hello
Hid the heartbreaking goodbyes that would follow long behind
From that first meeting
I fell hard
I fell fast
I didn't know
How could I understand
How you would come
To torture my girlish
Heart
From your charming hello
I should have seen
The danger that would follow
What I thought could have been
I was lost
Lost on my own little drug;
It was poisoning me and I didn't care
I was so high on love
I thought I was flying in the air
Then you pulled me down and I lost it all;
Friends, love, you all watched me fall
When you caught me I was so mad that I
Didn't see the favor you did me
Because it wasn't enough to reverse
The damage that was caused.
You made me think I was on solid ground,
But then I found myself flat on the ground
Before I even knew I was falling.
Now you can't heal my bones and wounds
They're etched into my heart and skin
Forever.
And I'm stuck healing them on my own
Because now my friends are miles away
The connection's broken
And I can't even get a dial tone.
You keep saying you're sorry.
Maybe I'll call back when I believe you.
3: Always YouYou're the cause of all my anguish
You're the reason for my hurt
You've hurt me too many times
It's a vicious circle
We go nowhere, but the same old game repeats
Every time
I'm always the one left hurt
Do you even care anymore?
I'm still chasing my tail; going nowhere fast
You've moved on to a new treat
I'm left forgotten
Is this my punishment for loving you?
I promised myself you'd never make me cry again
Yet here I sit, bleeding my love out for you
I know it was all just a game to you
But each time I see you two, it hurts
And though I try my hardest to forget you
Each time the razor breaks the skin
Each drop of blood that falls from my vein
Is a reason I should hate you
The number of scars on my arms and heart
Are the reasons I love you
This love is taking over me
I can't breathe anymore
I can't speak
No matter how hard I try
It never gets easier
They're all tired of listening to it day after day
So I keep it to myself
After all
I probably deserve it. I should never have let you get so close
I should have never let you take my heart
Now I just want it back so I can stop the hurt
Please just stop the hurt
It's killing me
And I still can't let go
Please just let me go
4: Somehow I'll Make It Through(I love you)
I used to cry every night
(why?)
Brown cotton
Stained by salty tears
I loved you
(oh god I loved you…)
I had no one to turn to
(who wouldn't hate me for what I did to my best friend?)
So I slit it all out
Every time
The pain cut
The blood trickled
I saw deep, life-giving red
I remembered why I loved you
But everything has to come to an end
Right love?
You're happy with her now
Aren't you?
It's good
I meant it when I said
I'm happy for you
Really, I am
She did what I couldn't
You love her enough
To stop
I'll admit I'm a bit jealous
I wish I could have been that girl
The one you loved enough to stop your bad habits
Illegal, even
That used to be part of my fuel
You know
I wondered
Why couldn't I be enough?
If I was…
Maybe they wouldn't have hated you so much
Especially her
If you were more mature
Did you know she would have talked to you?
Hell
She might even have
Become friends again
You made her cry too
I've seen it
I held her while she cried for the both of us
Over you
What makes you so special?
You were a total loser
Why were we so drawn?
Why have we wasted so many tears
(so many cuts)
Over you?
Why did we both have to fall for you?
But you know
Things are better now
I won't waste anymore tears
Crying over you
(no more cuts)
You know
It never would have worked out anyway
So the knife will go away
I'll dab my eyes
At least for now
Thanks for talking to me
I will always love you
I can tell that even you know that
(you told me it was useless
but how can I stop?)
But I can't let that stop me
Thanks for talking to me
Why was I so hesitant?
Now I can finally walk tall
The weight that was once there
Is gone
How cliché…
But it's amazing
I don't need you anymore
And I finally see
Maybe it was her
I loved her too, you know
I needed to get over you
And she was there
Oh God, I love her too
But parents always seem to be the calamity in these matters
Now I know how you felt
It's funny
This time it was hers
They flipped out
I don't blame them
Finding out that your daughter's not the
Straight little princess you thought she was
And has a girlfriend
How dare she, right?
How dare she fall in love
But…
That's a different matter, huh?
There I go again
My head makes no sense sometimes
Maybe that's how this was good for you
She's better for you anyhow
Sane…
I changed again, didn't I?
It was you and me…
But there Is no more you and me
So why do I keep doing this?
It's the Tango Vladimir
I can't stop dancing
Even one someone else cuts in
My turn was over long ago
She's got you riveted
But why can't I stop glancing over?
I am glad we talked though
It's helped
You were right you know
It really isn't healthy
This
Love
This
Obsession
At least the crying's stopped
At least I don't flinch at every reference to Russia
Or an unrelated Vladimir
It's toxic
But you intoxicated me
Pulled me in so thoroughly
Without even meaning to
I love you
(I always will)
But somehow
I'll make it through
(somehow… but I don't think I'll stop loving you)
5: Please Just Leave MeA new message
It doesn't matter where
Please
Why can't you leave me alone?
I don't want you to message me anymore
You want us to be friends again
(I want us to be friends again)
But
We can't keep doing this
It's no good
Not for my health
Mentally
It'll kill me
Socially
It's suicide
You say you've changed
She believes you
I want to believe you
They won't believe you
We know you too well
She…
Well
Love blinds a person
She probably wants to believe
But as much as I want to believe
They won't
And I'll lose them again…
I can't lose them again
It will kill me
(I'm afraid of the dark
Please don't shut me in the dark again)
I can't keep dancing your sick tango
My mind can't stop turning
And it isn't good for my health
(I still love you
And it's killing me)
You know
I went months
Perfectly happy
With the resolution
I blocked you
(I left an outlet for if you ever needed me
I still love you after all)
Hoping that would be the end
Hoping I was over you
Hoping we need only pass in public
And that's that
But you made her cry again
And then you still want to be friends
I can't be friends
(God, it hurts)
Why can't you leave me alone?
Everytime
You try to talk
You message me
You say
You want to be friends
It kills me
I can't help being like this
It makes me want to crawl in a corner
Shut the door
Stare at smooth
Sharp
Inviting
Silver
Let it slip into my pale creamy skin
Let the warm
Flowing
Dark
Wonderful
Numbing
Crimson
Wipe away the warm
Fragile
Memories
Of your touch
Your kiss
Your deep
Inviting voice
Of midnight conversations
Warm pink confessions
I love you
Clear aqua tears run
Out of dark muddy eyes
Past midnight-colored proof of insomnia
One salty trail
Peeps past pallid lips
God
Why can't I get you out of my head?
I guess that's why I don't want you to message me
Because
In the end
I really don't want you to stop
6: FinallyLast night I quivered
In a sea of midnight blue
The waves crashing around me
Sang melancholy songs of despair
I wondered if I'd ever escape
From the haunting blue
And warm lavender
And hot spicy red
That surrounded my memories
Of you
And now…
The day has finally come
And I don't really know what to think
I'm thinking in clichés
Because
Of course I feel as though a weight
Has been lifted
Today I'm drifting in warm yellows
Excited oranges
Happy baby blues
Even ever-despised pinks
For the first time
In God-knows-how-long
I feel optimistic
I still love you
I suppose I always will
But for now
I know I can finally move on
Maybe we will meet again someday
But for today
It's finally goodbye
7: MissingWhat's missing?
What did I do wrong?
I stare at a screen
Harsh reality hitting me
Like a bucket of ice water
Of course
It makes sense
The ignored calls
Ignored texts
Rushed hugs
Hurried meetings
Hi
SorryI'vegottogobye
Exclusion
Thepartylastnightwasawesome
Sogoodtoseeallmyfriendsthere
(why else did I have to find out the next day?)
And the
Silence…
Cold, lonely silence
I can't blame them
Who wants to put up with a psycho like me?
(I'm crazy, you know)
Nobody would miss me…
Sure, there's a few protests
Don'ttalklikethat
Ofcoursewe'dmissyou
They only say that because they
Haven't seen me break down
They've only seen the other half
Calm
Collected
Smart
Only crazy in the best ways
(A fairly normal teenager)
Full of laughter
What if they saw the ugly?
The ugly me on the inside
Working to claw its way out
Peeping through the bars of its cage
Occasionally oozing through like some slimy monster
Making everyone run…
Run far away…
Where it can't hurt them anymore
Where I can't hurt them anymore…
Ouch
I know she only means the best
I'dneverleaveafrienddon'tbestupid
But I'll bet SHE thinks you're her friend…
You know, the one you wish would stop hanging around?
I feel like that's what I've become to them
The ones who won't answer
I'm just a nuisance…
An annoyance
Who won't go away
But I love them
They're my best friends
How could I not?
They've been with me for the past few years
The hardest years of my life
Wouldn't they be used to it?
I guess not…
I guess they've finally figured out how
Fucked up I am
It's like I don't even exist anymore…
The others
Try to convince me
We'rehereforyou
Wewon'tleaveyou
Whywouldweleaveyou?
Don'tworrywe'rejustasfuckedup
They can't be as fucked up
I can't see it
The calm, somewhat immature, fun little Asian
My beautiful girl…
(she's not mine anymore
whyamIsostupid?)
The other immature one
(love her taste in music… could she really put up with my crazy?
Could any of them?)
The quiet, naïve one
The tall, loud, "mommy"
And all the rest…
They're all pretty crazy, sure
But they're the good kind
Actually, it's funny
It's the first time I haven't tried to compare to the others
(a good sign?)
But even they'll leave eventually
(whatthefuck'sherproblem?
IneverknewshewasTHIScrazy)
Because eventually everyone does…
They always do
I can't even keep track of my own crazy anymore
I want to step outside of my skin
Abandon my mind
Leave the jumbled mass of my brain
Walk away in a clean new skin
With no crazy bipolar thoughts bouncing around in there
I just want to feel normal for once
8: Painful IgnoranceI still don't understand
How I managed to offend
If that was all it took
A few words, typed with love
(no matter what you seem to think)
I don't understand
But if it was that painfully easy
If you didn't even hear my screams of agony
(they were ignored as you turned away)
Maybe we were never really friends in the first place
9: ThursdayYou had your say
Never listened to my desperate pleas
I wanted my say too, you know
But you just turned away
Turned your back on three and a half years
I still don't understand your reasoning
Even now as I sit here
Weeks later
(it's been that long already?
It's probably been over a month…
I didn't notice)
Tears threatening
Stomach twisting sickly
As I see that familiar corner
I know you don't care
(not anymore, at least)
But a twinge of pain hits me
Every week that I remember
(I try not to remember
If I don't remember, it can't hurt me)
When the cruel memory is able
To stretch its spindly, cold, sickening
Claws out to choke me in its vice grip
Past the cage I've shoved it in
I must be a masochist
Rather than locking it
Airtight
In my mental safe
(can't see the light of day)
I've merely shoved it in an
Ornate cage, like a pitiful animal at the zoo
On display for me to pity
To marvel
To pet occasionally
But when I stretch my fingers out to touch
The smooth creature haunting my mind
It snaps, and I recoil away in surprise at it striking back
Once again feeling all alone
Just how you left me to view the world
10: NamelessAlways alone, yet never so
Loveless, yet well-loved
In the way, but always butting in
Crazy as fuck
Innocent, yet far too corrupted
Always pretending confidence, but it's always a farce
Musically inclined
Always looking for new musical delights
Regal, in a past before her time
Infatuated with all her anime
Easily obsessed
Kissed only once, with later regret for the pain caused by the hasty action
Unsure of everything
Unable to keep one train of thought for
Long
Easily distracted
Interested in many things
Restless as a flitting bird
Insightful when she wants to pay close enough attention
Growing up faster than she can keep up
Her life passes her by so fast
The trouble is trying to catch up
Music seems to help though, as the
Years pass and she grows more and more confused
Each note and meaningful word helps her
Remember- someday she'll figure it out
11: Crushed Statice and HydrangeasI'm so fucking sick of all this shit all this drama it drags me back into the deep dark hole
I was in for so long
I thought
I had finally crawled out
I caressed the beautiful light, embracing the warmth
I had ignored for so long but now
I'm being dragged back again and
I don't know what to do about it. This time is more complicated
I'm surrounded by people being affected by the ripples you and
I are causing
I'm so tired…
I'm tired of drama
I'm tired of playing the same game over and over
I want you and
I to go back to the way we were before
I introduced you two. Dammit, how did
I fuck things up so badly?
I even tried to apologize… But
I always manage to screw that up even more
I tried… but in the end it was you who said you didn't need me. All
I said was that if you didn't want me there, then
I wouldn't be there. Yet
I'm the one blamed, of course. Now it's all
I can do not to crave the cool razor on my tired skin. Maybe
I'll let it bite a bit deeper… Because
I fear soon
I'll lose everyone… what'll
I do then?
I'm so afraid
I know
I'm clingy, but it's because
I'm so damn afraid
I'm afraid
I'll lose you too, after
I just lost them- all because
I can't explain myself
I pride myself on my writing skills, but
I think my muse has caused me to look too deeply into dramatics- How much longer can
I take it?
I grow so sick and weary every time
I try to apologize
I feel as though all my care is falling on deaf ears. Maybe
I'm not saying it right?
I wouldn't be surprised
I can't believe it- your words sting me like hornets, yet
I stay rooted in place. So
I automatically send the same back
I guess if you don't need me, then
I'll not be there
I feel another pang of emptiness
I turn desperately to my mom- how can
I diffuse this smoke that chokes me?
I don't know what to do… Change the subject? Of course
I could do that…
I don't really see it working… But
I'll try anything about now. Anything so
I stop feeling this deep ache
I clutch my chest and try. Of course
I knew it wouldn't work
I get the response of what the hell does this have to do with me?
I'm not sure… All
I know is
I've failed again
I hate this
I know
I keep everything bottled inside until
I explode with emotion and then
I sound crazy…
I know, because this is what just happened with them
I'm too crazy- what the hell is wrong with me?
I apparently can't hold a friend
I sigh and try to amend myself- but apparently
I'm not going to be able to fix this. She says she doesn't need me
I can't believe it- why can't
I get it right for once? Dammit, it's not fair
I hurt so deeply…
I reply back and then log off. What's the use if
I'm only going to make it worse?
12: Sleeping BeautiesI'm so tired of everything
I want to lay
My head down and take a long nap
I hope everything will be fine in the morning just like
He says it will
I'm so tired of this
I don't know what anything is anymore
I'm so tired
I hope
We can fix this before
I fall asleep because
I'm not sure
I'll want to wake up once I do
13: AishiteruIt's hard to pass each other in the halls
Looking past the other but really looking right at her
One wouldn't know by the blank stare that the girl whose
Vicious words probably bit into the other
Even as the other retorted equally as viciously
You wouldn't know that that
Other girl still sleeps with a small stuffed dog
Unconsciously gripping while they each secretly miss the other
14: Let's Just TryI want to cry thinking of everything
Of how stupid we've been
(For two fucking weeks-
How can it be we're still counting?)
It's ridiculous
I wish I could turn back time
Have that whole conversation over again
I know things were said
They really didn't need to be said
I know I'm easily frustrated
I say things that come across the wrong way
I'm a total bitch sometimes
And I always need to be right
But
I hate not talking to you
I hate seeing you
And feeling my chest clench
As I make myself turn around
And try not to cry
I know you're not mine anymore
(and haven't been for months)
I know he can take care of himself
I know I'm a drama queen
I reacted harshly
And your reaction when I tried to recoil
Really hurt
Everyone says you didn't mean it
And I want to believe it…
I'll try to believe it
Because I want us to be okay again
I want to call you
I want to be able to have a conversation
And hear your name and not feel like changing the subject
(not feel like shit
And want to hang up
Or walk away)
I want to come back to our table
And laugh at all of the other's inappropriate jokes
Laugh and giggle and squeal and fangirl
Over the newest episode of Glee
I'm tired of trying to time everything out
Calculate new routes at school
To avoid crossing paths
(it hurts when our eyes meet and I can't smile and say hi
Because of my damn pride)
I want everything to be the way it was before
So please, let's just fix this
It may be slow, but let's try to make it like it was before
Baby, please call me when you get this
15: AloneI'm standing in a sea of faces
But I'm all alone
I'm happy that you've come around
Yet I'm sad and scared
What happened to us?
We used to be best friends
Like sisters, I always used to say
But then you hurt me
And now they say
I shouldn't believe you
Now that you're trying to make it okay
Truthfully, these last two months have hurt
But I feel like we should try anyway
Then I wonder
Will trying help anything?
Or will it only hurt us in the long run?
You note how hesitant I sound
A sharp contrast to the happiness I exuded
Mere days before when you called me first
I just don't know how to feel anymore
Two months ago
I would have done anything to get my best friend back
Now… I don't even know how I feel
I have you back
(somewhat)
But I still feel empty inside
So I'm going to take a little step back
(Not too far back, because I couldn't stand this happening again)
And call you back when I figure out what's happening to me
16: They Don't Get Together In The EndJust like when Harry met Sally
I'll be the Kurt to your Blaine
You can love him
Knowing I still love you
And I'll watch by the sidelines
Pulling my fake smiles
Pretending it doesn't bug me
Being the best friend
(This time I'll pretend
So the disaster doesn't occur again)
But this time
They don't get together in the end
17: Broken PiecesI tried to tell you
It's not you I don't trust
It's her
But you turn away blind
Why is this the first thing
You won't trust me on?
It hurts
To think you'll believe
The girl you just met
(I blame the infatuation
But who wants to listen to
The bitter "drama queen"?)
Over the one you've known
Since diapers
No, you lap up her lies
As she whispers poison
Sweetness in your ear
I can feel the sting
As salty tears gather
Behind my drying contacts
I can't believe I'm crying over you
(I can't believe you've made me cry)
But I heave deep sobs
From the pit of my soul
Do you still believe her?
You claim yourself so good at reading emotions
The feelings laid out for you like a book
Well, I know I'm not that good an actress
That you can't see the hurt
Etched deeply in my brow
I'm like a picture book
Anyone could see something's wrong
Despite what she's feeding you
I can't cry on command
How has this happened to us?
Why won't you believe me?
Is she really worth all this?
What happened to all the trust
Built carefully from diapers to nearly sixteen
It just…
I feel so lost
So defeated
So
B
R
O
K
E
N
(I know that's what she wants
Why do you think I fight so hard?
I never thought that's what you wanted)
I never thought
You'd ever make me feel this bad
I feel so stupid
I don't know why I feel that
But I do
Maybe it's because
I tried so hard
And everything still went to hell for me
I know we need to talk
And I know my mom will
(God bless the woman
How could I ever get by without her?)
Be there to help when we do
But right now
I'm finding it a little hard to face you
So please
Give me a little time today
We'll talk later, I promise
18: EffectsYou have no idea
How much you affect me
Do you?
How much you haunt me
Late at night
When I lie awake
Staring at the ceiling
(the damned insomnia
Few things stay the same
At least I can count on that one)
And wonder what happened to us
When did you change?
When did you become this monster-
The one who enjoys hurting me
Spreading lies
Content in what you've won
Content in my defeat-
When did you change?
Why did you have to hurt me so badly?
Why did you have to try to turn
The one person I love most
Against me?
Sometimes I feel as though you've succeeded
I cry
Feeling that he believes you
That he's drifting farther away every day
Why do you want to hurt me?
I tried to make things better
I tried to pretend I was fine
Be happy for you both
Because I loved the both of you
I saw that he seemed happy
And I decided to pretend
Even if it hurt me
But…
You decided to ignore that
You ask
Why can't you be happy for us?
Why do you hate me?
I never hated you
I just hate what you've become
I wanted to be happy for you
So I tried to pretend
But you keep hurting me
And I won't let that go
So this is goodbye
(Why do you insist on hurting me after you've defeated me already?)
And because you won't accept my surrender
I'll fight even harder
Because you've crossed the border
And this is the last straw
This is my last straw
Goodbye
You can't hurt me anymore
(and I won't let you hurt him either)
19: One-TimeHow am I supposed to forget that night?
I know we agreed it was a one-time thing
But how am I supposed to forget what felt so right?
Now when those songs come on the radio, I no longer feel the desire to sing
I know we agreed it was a one-time thing
But god, you were gorgeous
Now when those songs come on the radio, I no longer feel the desire to sing
I'd never speak again if I could have you in my arms one more time
But god, you were gorgeous
Do you know how hard it is to just be your friend now?
I'd never speak again if I could have you in my arms one more time
I look at you and remember how it felt to kiss you for hours
Do you know how hard it is to just be your friend now?
I can't help my feelings for you
I look at you and remember how it felt to kiss you for hours
Now I know how it feels to love and watch you love someone else
I can't help my feelings for you
Sometimes I wonder if these feelings make things awkward
Now I know how it feels to love and watch you love someone else
It fucking sucks
Sometimes I wonder if these feelings make things awkward
Maybe this time will be the time I clumsily stumble over the gossamer line
It fucking sucks
Wondering if this will last
Maybe this time will be the time I clumsily stumble over the gossamer line
How am I supposed to forget that night?
Wondering if this will last
But how am I supposed to forget what felt so right?
20: The Romance of Cia(Note: Cia is a character suffering from amnesia in the Italian play, As You Desire Me, whose identity comes into question when an insane woman claims to be her as well. I have never seen the play and do not know much more than that, but the name and story struck me for the title.)
I sort of wonder if we weren't always just meant to be.
Once upon a time I believed we were. I thought you were the prince- not the handsomest in the land, but the new kind of prince, sent to rescue me from my dragons.
Once upon a time, I thought we could be the cliche. I thought maybe you would be the childhood best friend and we would fall in love one day and live happily ever after- the old American dream.
But times have changed. You've changed, I've changed, we've changed. And somewhere in there, there was her. And not you.
I looked into her eyes and I lost. I've been bobbing along, unsure, ever since.
Then you came back. And everything should have been different, but most of it was the same.
So what are we now? Are we the now we or the old we? Is there still a we? Could there still be an us?
A casually slipped in royal we. I'm surprised- but not really. Because it sounds right. It sounds like us.
You say I'm cute. I've been told that before- she told me once, but I guess she didn't mean it- but with you it seems true. Who else knows me better than you? (I don't even know me better than you do.)
Maybe I would be only a rebound. Maybe you would only be a rebound for me. But maybe it was always meant to be you and me. Just two silly romantics.
21: Longing LingersEyes meet
Lips spread in greeting
It should be odd
That I don't know
Why we've been apart
But right now
I just want to feel
Your smile meet mine
And the warm beat of your heart
Lips meet
Still spread wide
Then wider still with longing
It should be strange
That I don't know
Why we've been separated
Long enough enough to pine so
But the spark overwhelms me
Consumes me in its shock
Can't you see
The fireworks bursting to life
Between us
Where our lips and hearts meet?
Hands meet
Then our bodies
Twined together breathlessly
We don't care who sees
We only feel
I should find it odd
The feeling
That I've finally gotten
What I've longed for
This can't be new
The familiar strangeness
Of skin on skin
And lips and tongues
MeshingCaressing.
But my mind is shouting
Everything is wet and hot and home
And how could I have lived
Without this every day?
Words meet
Hot, living air
Spelling things I've longed for
I should find it odd
The ringing that distracts me
Causing me to frown into your grin
I'm probably just imagining it
Everything will be okay
If I can just keep kissing you
Swimming in the passion
Drowning in your eyes
And hands
And lips
Shrill beats meet
Irritated ears
I should find it strange
To wake up
Without you in my arms
But phantom memories
Aren't enough
To keep me warm at night.
Neat rows
Black for the boys
Girls in powder blue
Twelve years of waiting
Hard work
Tears
And laughter
And most of all
What was learned
Outside of the classroom
She sits next to her best friend
Smiles through their tears
The silent vows to keep touch
Vows that balance uncertain
On the past
And choices still uncertain
As she moves the tassel atop her cap
Throws her cap in the air
She realizes
The future lies ahead
Romance still on the horizon
She is still forming
But she has made it
She's made it this far
And the future lies ahead still
Comments must contain at least 3 words
Chapter: 20
I would move the note to the end of this. I think it would just fit better there for readers who read from start to finish. It would feel more natural.
October 8, 2013 | D.M. Gergen