"Go out to dinner with me this Saturday."

"I'm sorry, but I can't."

"Oh. Why not?"

 

"Because I am so completely, and utterly in love with you that it hurts to be around you. Because I'm so scared that one day you will wake up and realize the thing that I have always known deep inside me. The thing that keeps me up at night and the thing that makes me never want to wake up again. It's the thing that gives me nightmares, which I welcome into my dreaming mind like one would welcome shelter from a thunder storm. It's that thing that drives me to be better, even though I know it's impossible, it is useless and naïve to even try. It's that thing that haunts me even now, fully awake and standing in front of you. I am nothing compared to what you deserve. This thought thins my blood like vodka and I know that even a paper cut  would spurt out an unstoppable puddle of my blood. This thought aches my bones and deteriorates the muscles in my joints, making every morning more and more difficult. I never want to get out of bed. I don't want to feel anything anymore because I am scared that sooner or later you will realize that you can never love a person like me as much as a person like me loves you. I could never be the person that you would give your life for and breathe that very last breath for. That is what I would do for you. With a barrel aimed at my face I would not hesitate to feel the blood run dry from my veins, if that meant you would live, and that you would be happier without me. You would be happier without me. I know that if I say yes to you now, that we could be happy. For a while. Until the realization hits you like a subway car without brakes, I'm not what you want. I would be the one to feel too much, because I feel everything too much. You would walk away tall, confident that you could find another. And I would sit here and rot in my self pity, in What-If's and Daydreams of moments lost. My heart aches when I think that this would be nothing for you, I am a puppet and you have no idea that my strings are wrapped around your fingers. One day you will realize, and I will slip out, and then there will be nothing left to hold me up. No more hope. I would rather fight to be numb and keep the hope that maybe, someday, I will feel as though I deserve to be loved, than take a chance on the impossible. That is why I can't go out to dinner with you this Saturday. Because you could never love me the same way I love you. You could never love me as I am today. It's unlikely, and improbable, if not impossible.

 

I'm busy."

"How about next Friday?"

"Sorry, but I've got to go now.

 

Goodbye, Logan."

2: A Muddy River

"What are you doing?"

"Just looking at some old pictures."

"Where's my sister?"

"Mel's in the shower."

"swimming?"

"Yeah. Just got out."

"That one is great."

"Which one?"

"The one of you and me in front of the river."

"You mean the one where we are covered in mud?"

"But look how happy we look! Despite the fact that I think you have mud in your teeth."

"No, I don't! Shut up!

Seriously, Shut up. I can't stand being like this."

"I'm pretty sure I pushed you back into the mud right after this picture was taken."

"Oh ya, I remember that.

In all my life I had never wanted to slap somebody across the face so desperately. I wanted to slap you for knowing exactly what to do at exactly the right moment. You've been doing it all your life but at that moment, I had also never wanted to feel the sensation of someone's lips on my own so strongly. Now, you are doing it again, being here with me like this for the first time in two years. I'm taken back to that moment where it took all my strength not to pull you into me and kiss you. I'm taken back to the very first moment I met you twelve years ago. Sitting here on this couch beside you, I'm just as in love with you as I was the first time I came over. The first day that a boy had completely grabbed my heart. You've never let it go. You've had it those ten years that Mel and I would spend every day after school and every weekend together. You've had it through every girlfriend you've had and every boyfriend I've tried to fake emotions for. You've had it for the two years you were across the country at school. I've wanted to tell you everything so badly, but I can't. Even if you weren't Mel's brother, I couldn't possibly risk the chance that we wouldn't work out. You've hinted at it before. That it is possible that you care for me the way I care for you, but you're so cryptic, I don't know which words are honest, the words you whisper to me in the middle of the night while your parents and sister are asleep in the cottage, or the 'I Love You's' that you speak proudly to the other girls. How can I trust you? How can I know that you aren't lying and leading me on like a puppy, who doesn't know that it's chained to a fence post. I can't move on from you. So please, either shut up or tell me what to do. Tell me that you don't feel for me the way I feel for you. Tell me that you don't want to see my face every morning for the rest of your life. Tell me that my lips are not the lips you want to kiss at the alter. Tell me that my name isn't the one you want to scream when you tell me to just shut up and kiss you until your lips turn blue. Tell me that my name isn't the one that you want engraved on the tomb next to yours, with matching inscriptions. Tell me that you don't want me. If you can't or won't do that for me, then just please, please stop talking."

"We need to go up to the cottage again this summer, before I go back to school and before you move away."

"Jonah, I'm leaving. In two weeks."

"Oh, wow. That's really soon. Why?"

"I got a job at my aunts office."

"Will you be coming back to visit?"

"I don't know.

I can't come back. I can't lie to myself anymore.

I'm gonna go see if Mel's out of the shower."

"Okay, I'll be seeing you then."

"Ya."

3: Natural Disaster

"So, what do you say?"

"To what?"

"Jesus, Tanner! Have you not been listening?"

"Sorry."

"Ugh, I hate when you just zone out while I am talking. You drive me crazy."

"Again, sorry."

"Anyway, as I was saying. My sister Claire is coming to visit. Trust me, you will like her."

"Okay? Are we going out or something?"

"Well, hopefully you two will be!"

"Leighton, what are you playing at?"

"Oh, come on Tanner! You've been single all year, it's time you at least tried to date someone. Claire is sweet and cute. You two would be perfect for each other!"

"Wouldn't it be weird if I dated your sister?"

"No, why would that be weird?"

"Well, because it's YOUR sister. Come on Leighton, how can you be so dense! There is a reason I've been single all year. Do you really not know?

I don't know, because you are my best friend?"

"And if it doesn’t work out then we will still be best friends."

"But Leighton, I don't want to be just your best friend. How have you not clued in that I want something more. I'm in love with you, you stupid woman! I do everything you say! I took that stupid Natural Disasters course so that I could spend more time with you. I bought that ridiculously expensive soup you like when you were sick last week. I even missed out on going to one of the biggest parties of the year because you just wanted to stay in and watch old movies. How can you not see that I'm in love with you! I don't want to date your sister, I want to be with you for as long as I live. I want you more than I've ever wanted anything in my entire life. That's why I haven't bothered to ask you out, because you automatically friend zoned me and you would never be able to see me in that way! Whenever I try to flirt with you, you just think I am being funny. What more do I have to do? Do I have to pull you down from this stupid pedestal I've put you on? Do I finally have to just go for it and hope it doesn't destroy our friendship? What if that doesn't work? What if you don't want to be with me? What if things work out between you and that Sam guy you met last week? What if…. What if I'm not good enough for you? Leighton, do you even know how beautiful you are? You are beautiful when you wear makeup and you are beautiful when you don't. You are beautiful when you smile that radiant smile of yours. You are beautiful when you laugh and when you fiddle with the rings on your fingers. You are beautiful when you tug on the ends of your curls and when you tell dramatic stories that make your eyes shine brighter than any ring I could ever buy you to add to your collection. You are beautiful when you say my name and when you rub your eyes because you're tired. You are the most perfect creation God has ever made. How could I even compare? I couldn't. I'm just.. Me. I'm just stupid Tanner. Tanner who zones out when your lips move, wishing they were on mine. Tanner that spends all his money just to visit you across town in between your classes. Tanner that has never even had a girlfriend. I'm just Tanner and you are Leighton. Your mother is Georgia, your father, Rob. Your sister Claire is a year younger than us and your brother, Jett, is four years older. You're favourite colour is lavender and your favourite holiday is Hanukkah, even though you are Christian, but you just find it so magical. You are everything I could ever want and I am everything you could ever want for your sister.

I don't know Leighton. Just let me meet her. If I think I may like her than I will ask her out."

"Promise?"

"Promise.

 I know that I won't like her. I could never love someone even a fraction as much as I love you."

4: Little Lottie

"I wanted you to be the first to know."

"Know what?"

"Okay, Lottie, are you ready?"

"You haven't called me Lottie in ages. What's gotten into you?"

"I'm getting married, Charlotte!"

"Oh my gosh, Wow!

No. Please tell me you're pulling my leg."

"There's more though!"

"Tammy is pregnant too? You shouldn't rush into-"

"No, Tamara isn't pregnant. She wants you to be a bridesmaid."

"Wow, I don't know what to say.

You are joking. Start laughing. Pierce, please start laughing."

"So you will do it right?"

"No, I will not be Tamara's friggen bridesmaid! You know why? Because there is no way in hell that I am going to sit here and let you get married to someone named Tamara! What happened to us? Who the hell is standing in front of me right now? Who the hell are you and where have you taken Pierce?"

"Charlotte? You okay?"

"No, I'm not friggen okay, you ass! What has happened to the boy I fell in love with when I was nine years old? What happened to the little boy who saw me fall over on my bike, and helped me up so many years ago, on that very first day? What happened to the little boy who stole that very first kiss from my virgin lips at the ripe, old age of thirteen? Please, tell me this is all just a huge prank that you've set up. Please, tell me that you aren't getting married. You have said since we were nine that you would marry me. Our parents have always wanted it, you know that better than anyone. Did the pressure break you? Were you lying all those years?

Damnit Pierce, I love you!"

"What?"

"Shit, did I just say that out loud? Shit! Shit! Shit!

Of course, I will be her bridesmaid, because I love you!"

"Oh, haha. You scared me. I thought…"

"What the hell did I just do. God damnit, Charlotte, you idiot!

Don't be silly. You and Tamara will have  a beautiful wedding. I can't wait!

I hate myself. This will be torture. I can't be around him anymore if he is going to be married to Tammy instead of me. The only thing that could compare to that is gouging my eyes out with a spoon. I don't want to see him anymore. I don't want to hug him and know he will kiss her lips goodnight instead of mine. I feel the sting. I know this is real, how does he not feel it? How can he tell me all these years, that he loves me more than anything, yet he has only ever tasted my kiss once when were thirteen. He has tasted her kiss an infinite amount more than mine. He loves her. He doesn't love me. I feel the sting in my eyes the way I feel it in my heart. It's quiet at first like a blocked off river with only a small brook being released from behind the dam walls. Then as traumatizing and sudden as a flat lining heart, the sting becomes everything. The dam breaks and the brook becomes an ocean, with tsunami's that destroy jungles and cities and even mountains. Tsunami's that, as we know come in waves, and as we know about waves, they keep on coming because with the moon, comes tidings of waves. The night gravitates the world and the waves begin. Each wave ends and you think maybe it will be the last, until night falls upon you and the waves are back, because the moon will always return and so, the waves will too. They are unstoppable. This sting is unstoppable. The reality of it is palpable in the form of tear drops on my face. An ocean being released from the ducts in the corners of my eyes. I'm crying. Damnit Charlotte. Damnit Tammy. Damnit Pierce."

"Lottie, why are you crying?"

"because I love you so much that oceans move.

I'm so happy for you."

5: Like a Book

"Honestly, can you believe him? He won't even tell me who it was!"

"Come on, Chel, does it really matter?"

"Yes! It matters. What if she knew the whole time that they were hooking up that he had a girlfriend?"

"Chelsea, I'm sure that she didn't know.

She knew."

"I just feel so violated, you know? What if I know her?"

"You are overreacting, I'm sure you don't know her

You definitely know her."

"No, Rach, I'm not overreacting! How would you feel if you found out that your boyfriend cheated on you? Wouldn't you be upset?"

"Well of course, but you are being hysterical. I'm sure she didn't know that he had a girlfriend, and I'm sure she doesn't know you. Maybe you should just drop the issue. You know how guilty he feels.

Please, please just leave it alone. You would never talk to me again if you knew the truth.

He loves you Chelsea, you know that.

He loves you more than he could ever love me. I'll never be anything more than second best to him. I'm just a hookup for him. He only wants me around when you're mad at him. He doesn't look at me the way he looks at you. He never has and he never will. I could never tell either of you how I really feel about him, and I could never say no to him. Every time he looks at me I just melt and I know it's wrong. I know he isn't mine to kiss, because he is yours. You Chel, it's always been you! Do you hear the way he says your name? Do you know that he can't get you out of his head. He says your name. Every time we are together. I don't know why he bothers with me if he is so in love with you, but he does. And every time he says your name, I just ignore it even though it shatters everything. It shatters the illusion I have in my head that maybe one day, he could think of me the way he does of you. I hate him but I can't get enough of him. I hold on to every moment we have together and I hold on to the hope that there could be something more, but my rational mind says otherwise. I'm just an old board game that is only ever used when he is bored of his video games. It's rare, but it does happen. Once every month or two. That's it. But it's enough to keep me going, it's enough to keep me hanging on to him. I can't let go. I know he is yours and I know that you love him, but please, just let me have this affair. You could have any guy out there, but I'm just nothing. If I don't have Ryan anymore than I'll just be stuck collecting dust in the cold cellar. Please, just pretend you never found out and don't ask anymore about it. Please don't let me collect dust in the cold cellar. It's dark and damp and dingy and I'm so scared. I don't want to go back. I just want Ryan's strong, tan arms to pull me out and hold me for a while until it's time to go back. Please just let it happen. I know I am being selfish, but I am begging you. I can't even compare to you…

You are everything to him."

"I just hate that he lied to me about it. I hate that I can't tell when he is lying. I just wish I could read him the way I can read you."

"Like a book?"

"Like a book."

"This is one book that you can't read, Chel."

6: Just a Dream

"Abbigail, why are you still awake?"

"I'm too scared to sleep."

"Why are you scared sweetheart?"

"I had a bad dream mommy. There was a man trying to hurt you."

"It was just a dream baby, go back to sleep. There's no man trying to hurt me."

"He said that he has been looking for you. He said he wanted to hurt you for taking me."

"Abbigail there's no man trying to hurt me okay?"

"Mommy, he didn't have a face. Why didn't he have a face?"

"It was just a nightmare, that's why. Things don't have to make sense when you are dreaming."

"He told me that he was my daddy and that you took me from him."

"Abbigail, go back to sleep. It wasn't real.

It's not real. It's not real. It's just a dream. I'm dreaming."

"Mommy, why don't I have a daddy like all the other kids?"

"Because Daddy was a bad man, because Daddy did bad things to good people, because Daddy doesn't know you exist.

We will talk about this later, okay? It's way past your bedtime now."

"I need to know mom."

"Abbigail, you will go to bed this instant

Please, don't ask anymore. You are too young to understand. I didn't think this day would come so soon. You can't possibly understand why you don't have a father. You don't know anything about the world. You could never look at me the same. I don't want you to see me as a victim. I don't want you to see me for the weak woman I really am."

"Mommy! Where is Daddy!"

"He is in jail, you stubborn, stubborn child! You don't understand the word 'No', just like your disgusting father, who will rot in jail for what he did! Men who do what he did have to pay the price of justice! Men like your father deserve so much more than he got for the number of women he attacked, the way he attacked me! Men like your father are the scum of the earth!"

"Mommy!"

"Abbigail, if you do not lay your head back down on your pillow and go to sleep this instant than you will be grounded. No television or games and no dessert for two weeks."

"Why won't you tell me about him. He said in my dream that you stole me, that I wasn't yours to steal away. He said that you made him go."

"God, you are so stubborn like your father, never giving up on anything. Did you know that he played innocent, right until the very end, even when the evidence was so strong against him that he would be insane to deny the truth, their was not even a sliver of a chance that he was innocent. I hate how like him you are. I hate that man. I never should have kept you. I should have aborted you the minute I found out I was pregnant with that disgusting man's child. The night after the attack, I should have marched myself to the drug store and then washed you away with the dirt I wore like a sweater. I don't want you! I really wish this were all a dream, that night didn't happen, you didn't happen! This is just some psychotic dream that I've been stuck in for nine years of my life! This is just a dream.

You're grounded, I hope you are happy, now go to sleep."

"I hate you, Mommy."

"Of course you do. Everyone hates me. This isn't a dream. It's a nightmare.

Go to sleep."

7: The Truth About Me

"Hey, how's the book?"

"Hey Daniel, it's actually pretty exciting. The main character just had a baby on a boat during a storm."

"Interesting. When you figure out what it's actually about let me know, okay? I want to hear all about it."

"Yeah, because you actually care about the boring ass book I'm reading right?"

"I do care."

"Uh-huh, and why do you care about this book so much?"

"Well, because I uh- I used to have a crush on you."

"Seriously? When was this? I don't believe you."

"It doesn't matter when. Don't worry about it."

"No, It does matter. You're mean and I don't believe you. You're just pulling my leg."

"Do you promise not to tell my sister about it?"

"What? Why would I tell her?"

"I don't know, because I guess, I've sort of always had a crush on you."

"Wow, I really don't believe you."

"Why not? You're adorable."

"Even if I did believe you, which I don't, then why tell me now?"

"Why not tell you now?"

"Why not tell me before?"

"I've always been too shy before."

"Since when were you shy?"

"Only around you, since I like you."

"As in currently?"

"As in currently."

"Is that why you have always done whatever I asked?"

"...yeah."

"Huh, how about that…"

"Be nice about it. Don't make fun of me."

"I am being nice. I just can't make myself believe you."

"It doesn't matter if you believe me or not, it's the truth."

"But it's against the rules, Daniel."

"What rules?"

"The unwritten rules of you aren't allowed to like me."

"And why the heck not? I like who I like."

"Because of your sister, and me being her best friend, and you being her older brother. It's just not allowed. It's the rules."

"Oh, well I guess."

"Oh, well as in you don't care?"

"Oh, well as in I'm still going to have a crush."

"Well then."

"Is it a good or bad thing for you?"

"I don't really know to be honest. I just didn't expect to be having a conversation like this. I don't even know how I am supposed to feel after that."

"I'm sorry. Maybe it was too early to tell you."

"No, don't worry. I just don't understand why you decided to tell me now? Did you just wake up and say to yourself 'Ya, I'm gonna tell her today'?"

"No, the opportunity just arose."

"You mean the book with the boat birth was an opportunity?"

"It's as good as any."

"I see."

"I'll let you think it over."

"Thanks."

8: Six Week Projectile

"Francis, do you know why I've called you into my office this morning?"

"N-No Sir. I don't."

"I've called you in first because Dana is, how shall I put it, fragile."

"Dana from accounting?"

"Yes, Dana from accounting."

"I'm sorry, sir. I don't understand why I'm here.

He's on to us. He knows. We were so careful, never going where coworkers might happen upon us. We were so careful."

"Well, Francis, the truth is that there have been rumours flying around here recently that you and Dana from accounting have become romantically involved."

"Recently. Rumours started recently.

Oh, well I mean, We are friendly with each other but-"

"So you are dating is that it? Don't lie to me. I know exactly what is going on."

"Sir, I-"

"How many dates has it been? Just one lowly date, or perhaps it is more around the range of five or six."

"Uh, Shit. Deny, deny, deny.

It's been two dates, sir.

What the hell Francis? Deny!"

"Well, If you would like to keep your job with this company then I must insist that two will be the maximum amount of dates. Am I clear?"

"No, you are not clear. If you were in fact crystal clear than you would be able to see that there was been more than just two dates. Dana and I, we're- we're in love. Two dates is not even a fraction of the number of dates we have been on. If you know exactly what is going on, then I assume that you know that I take the long way home, so that we don't appear to be going home to the same house. I assume that you know that we have a three year old daughter. Everyone knows that she has one, but I assume that, since you know everything, you know that it's my daughter as well. Two dates? We've been together for seven years.

Yes, Sir. Clear as crystal."

"Good, I don't want to see you in my office again for silly matters such as this."

"Silly matters..."

"Now, I want you to have that six week sales projectile in my office by tomorrow morning, got it?"