Sparkatale

Hello. I just finished reading the first chapter and I thought I should leave you a review while it’s all still fresh in my mind. Just as a warning, I do a lot of beta reading/editing, so this may get a bit…long. I think your story has the potential to be very interesting. You seem to have a very clear view of what you want to get out of your story. However, it’s rather hard for the reader to see your vision with how chaotically you’ve written this piece. Here are the main detractors that I have found:

Firstly, your characters seem like they could be strong, but you’ve given us almost no information on them. Telling us their names and what they’re wearing does not a well-rounded character make. This chapter is almost six thousand words long and, despite Njal and Raoul both getting shot, I have absolutely no emotional connection with either of them. In fact, you’ve given so little insight into both of their characters that you could kill them off and I would be wondering why I was meant to care. That isn’t healthy for the plot, nor will you attract new readers for more than a quick glance if you can’t get them to invest in your characters.

Secondly, your writing reads solidly enough, but it’s nearly impossible to get a good grasp of the scenes. Simply put, your writing lacks detail and, in some places, finesse. While there are chunks of the chapter that read well, there are also extremely large sections where the writing is bland and what little description you have reads as a list. I would suggest going through and finding ways to drop in details subtly instead of trying to throw a million pieces of information at a reader at one time…especially if that information isn’t presented in an appetizing manner. I would also suggest going through and looking for information that is superfluous…and then I would suggest you cut a large portion of that out. Does the reader really need to know what every single character’s suit looks like in precise detail? Unless the main characters are tailors with a compulsive need to study every suit they come across, there is absolutely no need to go into that kind of description for people who are just background characters.

Thirdly, putting the location where every scene is happening as the scene break is extremely distracting. I’m aware you’re using it in an attempt to immerse the reader further, but it doesn’t work. Instead, I’m immediately taken out of the story and, at the same time, reminded that I’m reading something. In contrast, I should have felt immersed to the point where stating exactly where every single scene is located wouldn’t have even been needed. Stating the scenes’ locations ruined that possibility for me. If you really must have the location in every scene, place it off to the side in a place where the reader can choose to ignore it if they want to. (On that note, that scene with Rissa in the alley was unnecessary and removed a great deal of what could have been suspense. Also, your dedication should be directly under your title…unless you intended for it to look as though it’s part of the story.)

Fourthly, I am aware that this story is fantasy, but that does not excuse you from having to explain what certain things are. The magic of fantasy is that these things that don’t exist in our world exist in an everyday sense in the story’s world; the reader gets little tidbits of information that explains the basics of every new fact in a way that both makes them real and makes sense. You’ve not done this. Instead, I’m merely sitting here, with too many questions to enjoy what’s happening. In fanfiction, you may be able to omit details to the benefit of those who already know the series, but this is an original story; there’s no reason to leave the reader in the dark about how simple, commonplace (in your story’s world) things like magic and the inns would work.

Lastly, I’m a bit flummoxed by what you’ve done. This chapter, as I mentioned earlier, is nearly six thousand words long. Despite the length, there is very little actual content. Most of this chapter is dialogue that is both uninspiring and non-unique to each character which made for slow reading. If you were to chop the chapter in half and fill in the missing sections with actual physical action and introspection then you would have two great chapters that would both give the readers all the necessary information they need and still build up the plot nicely. If a story is almost entirely dialogue, then that means the plot does not have enough substance support the story and it immediately makes a story seem mediocre. The only way you’re going to be able to pull off a strictly dialogue-based story is by writing every conversation flawlessly…and, I hate to say it, you’re not. All you’re accomplishing is cutting out flow and drama from the chapter.

In conclusion, you’ve got potential but this story needs a lot of work. I strongly suggest carefully going through what you’ve written with an unbiased eye and an unattached mind. Really look at what you’ve written and try to think of how you can make it better. I hope my critique has proven helpful to you and that you have a wonderful day.

~Raven

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