Sparkatale

Hi, there. :)

I saw this among the recent updates, and thought I'd take a gander.

Firstly, there are some technical aspects that need to be addressed. In some cases, the wrong type of punctuation is used, other times it is used in a spot where it isn't needed, and still in others, isn't used at all. Some of the narrative feels a bit clunky and long-winded as well. This can easily be remedied by cutting down or removing extraneous detail (i.e. details that either play little to no part in the overall story, or otherwise distract from what's currently going on), and by reworking certain sentences and paragraphs. Any extraneous detail you feel needs to be in the story can be sprinkled throughout at intervals, thus ensuring those tidbits come up at the right time while not dumping too much information on the reader. There were also typos and word omissions scattered throughout as well, many of which I'm sure you'd catch if you were to read through it, yourself.

Now, all constructive criticism aside, the premise behind the story is quite intriguing, and with some of the technical aspects polished up a bit, it would make for an enjoyable read.

I hope this helps. :)

-Shannon-

Hi thanks for your feedback, I appreciate you taking the time to read and  comment, and  I have  taken on board your suggestions.  There is so much involved with writing a story and I still have a lot to learn,  but at the same time it is just a hobby to keep my mind active. 

Cab4five

No trouble at all. :) By all means, take the advice with a grain of salt; I'm not exactly accomplished myself, so there's no pressure. ^^; I hope some of the advice proves helpful though, in the event you take your interest in writing further.

Take care!

-Shannon-