Cody POV

I was the lone target of bullies at the beginning of my senior year, and I missed Max terribly.

Max was currently working on his major at a nearby college. We saw each other every few weeks, but that still didn't help the feeling of dread I had on my first day. Max had warned me about the bullies, since he had taken most of it. But that didn't mean they didn't find me alone sometimes too. I was fed up with it. No one should be allowed to hurt us that way.

"Cody!"

I turned around to see a friend charge into me. Her name was Terra and we'd known each other since I came to live with the James-Erikson family. She was a short little stick of a girl, especially since I had sky rocketed during puberty. Her hair was always a different assortment of color, and today it was bright blue. She threw her arms around me and her clarinet case hit the back of my head.

"Oh my gods I'm so sorry," she babbled, letting me go.

"It's fine," I grinned, rubbing the back of my head. "I've missed the feeling of clarinet against my head."

Terra laughed. She linked her arm with mine and we walked into the school. "How's Maxie doing at college?"

"I don't know," I responded as we turned a corner to the music hall. "He's been at the college for a week."

"But he's your boyfriend," she stressed. "You're supposed to have telepathy or something."

"That's for twins, dear," I smiled. "Max and I are in love, not twins. How was your summer?"

"Gods, it was the most exciting thing ever," Terra started to ramble about her family's vacation to Italy and then to her first audition for a college of music in London.

I listened in a detached way, commenting in the gaps and laughing along and joking with her. More of my attention, however, was used for searching for the jerks that would try to attack me, now that Max was gone. Terra moved to tell a story about her family's mishap with her tour guide in Pompeii. "He just kept yelling, 'Family! Family!' It was really funny and really awkward."

"Fairy!"

There we go, I thought bitterly. I pushed Terra off of me, "Go to the band room. I'll catch up in a minute."

"Codes," her brown eyes darted between me and the giant man approaching us.

"Go on," I shooed her away. "I'll be fine."

She bit her lip before running off towards the band room. I turned around and folded my arms across my chest. The brute whose name I never cared to remember stood in front of me. I guessed he thought he was intimidating as pulled himself to his full height of six feet. I raised an eyebrow, looking down at him. I was tall and lithe with basically spaghetti arms and weak muscles. I shook my head and stood at 6'1".

"Can I help you?" I asked coldly.

"Fairy," he sneered. "Where's your bodyguard? Did he finally leave you?"

"Max is at college," I shrugged.

I was always looking for ways to avoid fighting, but this wasn't going to go away. I would need to scare him off before he came after me or went after the others. This brute deserved what would come to him. If it got that far.

"He's not here," his eyes burned with fury. "You have no idea how long I've waited to do this."

"I wouldn't," I sighed. "Just leave me alone and no one will get hurt."

"You can't hurt me, Fairy."

I blinked as a fist connected with my gut. My breath left my body and I doubled over. I looked up in time to see another fist connect with my eye. I groaned and fell to the ground. The brute laughed, taunting me and yelling at me to stand. I did what he asked and leaned against the wall. This time I would be ready for his attack.

His fist flew at me and I ducked. He yelped as his fist connected with the brick wall. I grinned and threw my own punch. It felt strange as he dropped to the ground, unconscious. I didn't want to hit him severely, just enough to send a warning.

"Cody!"

I looked up to see Elliot running towards me, followed by Terra. What was he doing in the music hall?

"Oh my gods," Terra whispered as she hugged me. "Are you okay?"

"I'm going to be fine," I smiled. I felt the pain in my stomach and what probably would be the black eye, but the brute was still on the ground. Elliot knelt next to his unconscious body.

"What happened?" Elliot looked up at me, completely in teacher mode. "Terra, go and get Mr. Nelson."

She nodded and ran off to go and find the vice principal. Elliot looked at me, waiting for an answer. "He attacked me. I reacted."

"Was it for any reason?"

"It's because I'm gay. He beat up my boyfriend last year," I replied. If Elliot was going to be a teacher, then I'd be a student. This was not the usual father/son thing happened right now. "I just reacted, Dr. James. I knew he would attack me."

"Why didn't you tell the administration?"

"Would they do anything?" I asked.

Mr. Nelson walked over to me, his eyes fuming. Terra was right behind him. She ran over to me and grabbed my arm. I had forgotten how touchy she was. The brute groaned and Elliot helped him into a sitting position. The vice principal examined my black eye and at the boy on the ground.

"What happened?"

I told him what happened from my perspective. He told me to go to wait for him in the office. I nodded and began the long walk with Terra at my side.

"Are you okay? Really?"

"I hit somebody to cause pain," I ran my fingers through my short black hair. "I don't do things like that. All I wanted to do was make him leave me alone. I...I don't know why I did that."

"Self-defense?" She asked.

"I don't do self-defense," I muttered. "I just let myself get hit and move on with my life."

We arrived in the office and Terra let go of my arm. She smiled and left me alone. One of the three secretaries in the main office gestured for me to go into Mr. Nelson's office and wait for him and my parents. I didn't think they ever put together that I was a foster-child and my guardians were Elliot and Daniel.

I sat in the office waiting for something to happen. My mind started wandering and I found myself daydreaming of Max being next to me, telling me that I was an idiot, but that I was his idiot. Why had I reacted that way to being bullied? I was usually not a violent person. Usually. But I didn't want to deal with violence because it usually left me with more enemies than I liked to have.

"Mr. Evans."

I turned around and saw Mr. Nelson walk into his office followed by Elliot. My guardian was blank-faced, his pale gray eyes watching me. He sat next to me and the vice principal sat across the desk. Elliot folded his arms and we both waited for my sentence to be delivered.

"Fighting is not tolerated in these halls, Mr. Evans," Mr. Nelson said firmly.

"Neither is bullying," I spat without thinking. I was on one today, wasn't I?

"We stop bullying when we see it," the older man puffed.

"You're obviously not paying attention," Elliot muttered.

"Dr. James?"

"Just calling it as I see it," he shrugged. "I've seen Cody and his boyfriend come home covered in bruises. I look for the bully, Jim. Today is the first I've seen him."

The vice principal looked at me and at my guardian, and folded his arms. "Tell me what's happened, Mr. Evans."

I shrugged and proceeded to tell him what happened. He would stop and ask me questions about my experiences and I'd reply coldly before starting my story again. The bell rang and Elliot excused himself to go and teach his first class of the new school year. Mr. Nelson looked at meet and rested his arms on the table.

"Is there anything else?"

"That about covers it," I said dryly. "Can I go to class? I don't want to be the student that is completely late to his first class of the year."

"Of course."

I stood up and grabbed my bag from where Elliot apparently put it. I slung it over my shoulder and started to walk out of the office. I expected the man to say something as I left, but he didn't. He just stayed quiet. The secretary gave me a note explaining why I wasn't tardy and raised an eyebrow. I glared at her an pulled my schedule out of my bag to see that I was the TA for Dr. James.

I really should have looked at my schedule before now. Deciding I didn't want any more surprises, I looked through the rest of my classes. My last three A day classes were US Government, Independent Music Study, and AP Music Theory. Tomorrow I had Symphonic Band with Terra and my saxophone followed by Chamber Orchestra with my cello, then English 12 and ending my day with AP Psychology.

It was good to be a senior.
 

My birthday came and went a few weeks after school started an we got into the swing of things. Terra ensured that my music theory and the band, despite them happening of different days, sung and played off-key as loud as they possibly could. My section leader and friend Kyle in orchestra convinced the other cellists to circle around me and throw me up into the air.

Max called me the morning of my birthday and promised me a gift in the mail that would arrive tonight.

"You really didn't have to get me anything," I yawned into my phone that morning.

"I know," he chirped on the phone, "but I love you, Codes, so I got you something. You're eighteen now so you need this."

Which then led me to spend the entire time in band and orchestra after the failed birthday adventures wondering what he sent me. After school, I took Terra home so we could work on our music theory homework.

"Did Max get you something," Terra asked. She had kept her hair plain, the naturally brown shining in the September light.

"He said he did," I shook my head. "He shouldn't have. He's at college."

"But he looooves you," she hit my leg. "And you love him. Of course he got you something."

I scowled as we hit a red light, "I swear you and Max are the same person."

"Which is why I keep you around."

"I hate you," I muttered.

"I love you too," Terra grinned. "So how goes your music?"

"Same as always," I responded. "I still see my sheet music floating around the hallways. Weird sensation."

"It's cuz you're famous," Terra laughed. "Oh, what's that?"

I blinked as we pulled into the driveway. Daniel was out today getting all the stuff ready for a party he wanted to throw me. What surprised us both was the large package sitting on the front steps wrapped in blinding silver wrapping paper. I prayed to the gods that the box was just for show and that it was just a nice card.

"Gods damn him," I muttered, turning my car off.

Terra was out of the car before I could slip my seatbelt off. She was on the porch, picking up the package and waking it over to me. I laughed at the short girl that was carrying something half her size. I got out of the car and took the shockingly light box from her.

"Go get the mail," I shooed her, "and I'll meet you inside."

"Okay."

I walked up and opened the door. Stepping inside I was assaulted by the smells of rich chocolate. Daniel had left my favorite dessert on the living room table. Terra walking in after me and kicked off her shoes.

I set the package down on the ground and collapsed on the couch. I grabbed one of the chocolates and popped it in my mouth.

"Look, Codes," Terra waved a letter in front of me. "This looks important."

She was right. I grabbed the letter and looked at the sender and who was supposed to open it. The letter was addressed to Daniel from Child Services. I bit my lip, knowing what this was. It was saying I had 3 months before they left me. In my mind, I knew that Daniel and Elliot would let me stick around for as long as I wanted because they were my family. I set it on the table, under the chocolate. It wasn't important. Not now.

Later that night my family was around me and we finished were eating dinner in the living room. Daniel and Elliot were on one end of the couch with Jack on the other. Isaac was currently shuffling plates from random places around the room to the center of the table. Kara laughed as her "papa" cleaned.

"I think it's time for presents," Daniel yawned. "It's past my bedtime."

"It's seven, sweetie," Elliot chuckled.

"I fail to see your point," Daniel mumbled. "Go on, Cody. Pick a gift and get started."

Thankfully, both the Frosts' and my guardians thought to but me something small but useful things. The family friends' gift was a gift card for iTunes and a pad of composition paper. My guardians purchased me a fountain pen and various textbooks about piano, alto saxes, and cellos. Everything was small and beautiful and I just smiled.

"Is that from Max?" Isaac asked, moving to the gaudy package.

"Unfortunately," I muttered. "I'm rather scared of it."

"Come on," Jack laughed. "Open the present."

The room erupted in orders and laughter as I slowly crossed the room. I hesitated as I pulled up the mailing tag and the paper off. The cardboard box popped open and there were only two things inside of it. I pulled out something and shook my head. Max had sent me a copy of the Lovers of Spring. My own music. I flipped open the music and saw Max's scribbles say, "I love you, Codes!"

I groaned and set it on the floor and grabbed the other thing in the box. The envelope was wrinkled, but the letter inside was clean. On the cover was a simple and elegant silhouette of a couple holding hands. Written in gold on the top was, "For you on your birthday." I opened it to see Max had taken better care writing in this than he had with the music.

*Cody,

You're probably mad I sent you such a big box for a little card. But that's okay. It was much more fun. Your actual gift isn't ready and probably won't be for a while. I just wanted you to know I love you.

Forever.
Max*


My agent decided that I needed to apply to all the colleges I wanted to go to in October. Elliot supported that plan whole-heartedly because Matt barely made the application date. With subtle nudging and not expecting a real answer, I also applied for Oxford University. That was in October and I applied to about ten other colleges and universities.

Thanksgiving break was a welcome relief of the boredom of the school year. I'm not saying Elliot is a bad teacher as much as the disease known as senioritis had set in heavily. It wasn't the break yet, but everyone was acting like it was. The Monday of Thanksgiving week I was sitting in my free period, playing on my laptop when I checked my email.

My breath hitched in my throat. Oxford had contacted me. I opened the email and read everything with a lump in my throat. They wanted me to come to the school for an interview on December 3rd. In ten days. I honestly didn't expect them to be interested in me. I wasn't prepared for them to want to meet me. I knew nothing about them. Hell, I didn't even know if I was interested in going there.

But something in my heart whispered that this was something I had to do.

That night I sat down for dinner with my family and the Frosts. Matt and Max were on their way home. Dinner was slightly uncomfortable. Daniel was decent dinner conversation, but I couldn't stay focused. More than once Jack had to call my name multiple times to get me to pass the water. By dessert, I had made it my goal to feign normalcy. Isaac and Elliot went to the kitchen to clean when the knock on the door came.

I jumped up and raced to the door.

"Codes!"

"Max!"

I felt Max wrap his arms tightly around  me and I rested my head on his. Max was still a touch shorter than I was. We stood there for who knows how long before Max finally raised a curious eyebrow.

"You okay?" Max looked me over.

"I'm just stressed," I said honestly. He didn't need to know about Oxford yet. "I'm not ready to be an adult."

"Mmhmmm," Max accepted my answer even if he was sated by it. "Is Matt here?"

"Yes," Matt replied happily, walking into the house. He dropped his backpack near the door, just like he did in high school. "It smells like we just missed dinner."

"Leftovers in the fridge," Elliot announced and swept Matt into a father's hug. "I've missed you, Matthew."

"Dad," Matt whined playfully.

The rest of the night passed in laughs and hugs as Matt and Max told of some of their adventures in more depth than an email could cover. I spent the night with very slight attention to the stories. I curled up next to Max but really kept thinking about Oxford. Could I leave this behind?

By Thanksgiving, I had an answer. I had spent the entirety of my time at school and at home researching discreetly everything I could about Oxford and it's psychology program, the interview process, everything. It really came down to, "In fifty years you told someone you had this opportunity, even if you didn't make it into the school, would you regret not making the decision to try?"

I would have. This was a rare opportunity. Carpe Diem and all that, right? I was sitting at our Thanksgiving feast complete with Nana James, and Isaac's and Jack's parents. Which also meant a lot of cookies. But the point remained that I didn't want them to know about my Oxford interests. Not yet, at any rate.

But all throughout dinner, I had an aching pain in my stomach. My heart did flips in a guilty stew whenever Max smirked at me when Kara and Matt argued. Why did I feel guilty about trying to further my education? My stomach protested when I tried to eat the delicious homemade food. All of my false pretenses started slipping when Max grabbed my hand. Was this smart? Was it a good idea to leave them? Shouldn't I tell them about Oxford? Could I handle a secret like this? Would Max and I survive a long distance relationship?

No. We wouldn't.

"Cody," Elliot's voice cut through my thoughts, "are you okay?"

"No," I muttered. "Excuse me."

I got up from the table and fled from the dining room. I walked into my room and fell on the bed burying my head in my pillow. Not a minute later Max came into the room, knocking on the door. "Codes, what's wrong?"

"Everything."

"Codes," Max sat on the bed and rubbed my back. I flinched at his touch. "Cody, what's wrong. I can't help you if you're not specific."

"Just go away."

"Cody."

The small bit of the dinner I had seemed determined to make another appearance. I jumped out of the bed and ran to the bathroom to empty my stomach. The vomit left a foul taste in my mouth and left me unwilling to move. I rested uncomfortably against the cool tile wall. Oxford was considering me. Oxford University was considering me. Could I live with myself for not going? Could I survive going?

I hurled again.

The toilet flushed and I collapsed against the wall again. I really wasn't sick, I was just stressed. Slowly, I began to rock myself. Two voices came from outside the bathroom door. Thank goodness I didn't lock it.

"Elliot, let me through." Max demanded. "Something's wrong with Cody. I know he's not sick, so let me talk to him."

"No," Elliot said firmly. I thanked God for him. "He's having an attack for some reason. If he won't tell us, then maybe he'll tell Dr. Johnson. Daniel called him yesterday and we made arrangements for Cody to go over to Sacramento for a few days."

Thank God for the both of them. The door opened slowly and Elliot walked in. He knelt next to me, "Come on, let's go to your room."

I was certain I tried to protest, but Elliot soon had me walking slowly to my room with his stubborn support. He lowered me to the bed and pulled a blanket free from underneath me. Elliot put it on top of me.

"Go rest, Cody. We'll all be in the dining room for the rest of today if you get hungry."

That said, Elliot walked out of the room.


"You should go to the interview," Luke said.

We were both sitting in his home office. Luke had just stopped spinning around in his office chair to voice his opinion. I was sitting in his recliner. He just had me finish going through why I had my moment of weakness on Thanksgiving. To be honest, I expected him to tell me that I should stay here.

"What do you mean?"

"You said it yourself," Luke shrugged. "You'd regret not going. The chance of you making it into Oxford is possibly, but very difficult. But you did get an interview and that's something very few people can claim to have gotten. My advice is to go to the interview."

"What if I make it into Oxford?" My voice dropped to a whisper. "What if they leave me?"

"What if who leaves?" Luke echoed.

"Jack and Isaac, Kara, Terra and Kyle, Matt, Elliot and Daniel, Max..." I listed. "They'll leave me just like she did. Like everyone does."

"They would never forget you, Cody," Luke smiled. "Remember how they came to get you from the Temple house? They came for you."

"But what if-"

"Cody," Luke interrupted. "That's unfortunately a question I can't answer your question because I can't glimpse the future. But I know Daniel. He wouldn't forget you. I wouldn't forget you."

He made up my mind. Luke didn't quite understand why I didn't want to tell anyone else about Oxford, but he agreed to tell my family I was with him while I flew to England for my interview.


Over Christmas, Max didn't mention my explosion or want to know about it. I was grateful that he never put much more attention on it.

 Max was responsible for something else too. I mentioned to him that I finally felt ready to put Hope, my three movement piece, on the market for others to hear but I wanted to have it debuted by me first. He then proceeded to call Terra and Kyle and get them in on the song.

Both individuals knew I wrote music because I had developed a small but persistent group of fangirls that knew my songs by heart. Yet both of their jaws dropped as they looked over my original score. Within minutes, my boyfriend, best girlfriend, and best friend were sitting around the table working out when I was going to play this and how it would work. I suggested the talent show and only bringing in the essentials from within the different groups of orchestra, percussion, and band with myself playing the piano.

I called my agent that night and told her I was going to audition with a new piece and she went fanatic as well. Miss Sarah, as she liked to be called, knew I had Hope with me and was just waiting for me to want to release it. She demanded to be at the talent show when it was debuted so she could record it and sell it to my publisher. Or it was something like that. Either way, the day of the talent show came and I was freaking out.

"Calm down, Cody," Terra smiled as I paced around backstage. "The talent show hasn't even started yet."

"I know, dear," I rolled my eyes. "But I don't know if I'm ready for this. Hope was the first thing I ever wrote. I wrote it before Temptations of Summer. The first movement was written with a  week of it happening and the second started when I met Isaiah. I can't do this. I can't do this."

"Cody," Terra snapped her fingers in front of my face. "Chill. Go call Max or something. I can handle the symphonic orchestra of yours until you calm down."

"But," I started.

"But nothing," Terra grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the auditorium. "Call your boyfriend before I do."

Against my better judgment, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed Max's number. The phone rang in my ear a few times before he answered.

"Morning Codes," Max's tired voice came across the phone. "What's up?"

"I'm freaking out," I sighed. "I don't know if I can handle this."

"You'll be fine. I know you will." Max reassured me. "I've heard your music. I watched you write this. It's some of your best."

"But it's my story," I whispered.

"It's your past, yes," Max said slowly, "but you've got a huge future to look forward to. You're going to be fine."

I was silent, just listening to the sounds of life around me. An engine revved over the phone, "Why are you in a car?"

"Class," he said quickly. "Got to go, Codes. Love you."

"Love you too," I replied, confused.

Max and I hung up the phone. I was slightly calmer, but his sudden hang up and topic switch was still rattling inside my head. Terra came out to get me a few minutes later to inform me that the talent show has started. We walked backstage and sat with our little group as we awaited our turn. The other acts were all really remarkably good and I felt bad in comparison. According to the SBOs, we were the last group to perform. It was suddenly the person before us, and it was a freshman girl that was playing a piano solo.

"I'm going to be playing the Temptations of Summer by Cody Evans," the freshman squeaked.

I paled and Terra could barely contain her laughter. My ears burned as she started playing that haunting melody that had begun four years ago when I was lost and confused. I knew people loved my music and would continue to play it, but having it shared by someone who wasn't me or I didn't know was definitely a shock.

"Breathe, Cody," Terra whispered. "It's fine. She's playing your song because she admires your work."

"But it's my song," I whispered.

"It's your song, but she bought it so she could play it," Terra replied. "Just go with it."

I rested my head on her shoulder and waited for Temptations of Summer to be finished. I'm not going to say anything against the young pianist, but it was definitely not how I saw the piece being played. It should have been slower. Terra was laughing as I winced when the audience applauded the ending of her piece. I clapped uninterested as my band got up and began to set up for their playing. The SBO president got the attention of the assembled students.

"Thanks, Alyssia that was fantastic. Our last act today is a full orchestra playing a song written by Cody Evans."

The freshman who was backstage squealed as I led my little band of musicians onto the stage. Terra began directing everyone to their spots and I went to go and introduce myself and the piece.

"Hi, everyone," I said softly into the microphone. "I'm Cody Evans and this is a group of musicians I've selected to help me debut my first major orchestration entitled Hope. It's the story of when I was fourteen in three movements entitled Rape, Loss, and Recovery. Thank you."

I left the audience in a strange silence as I sat on the piano bench. The majority of the audience didn't know exactly who I was, and even less knew my story. I pushed it all out and began playing, getting lost in the music.

To say I wasn't affected by the music would be a lie. This was the third time we had played the movements in their entirety. My soul was protesting as I reached the screaming climax of Rape and then to the solemn emptiness of Loss. The piano dropped out during Loss, allowing the deep resonance of the cello to echo throughout the auditorium. I bit my lip as the piano began again, ending Loss and leading the band into Recovery. Claire, the alto saxophonist I brought into the band, began playing a duet with me, the rest of the band playing supporting harmonies and chords underneath us. We finished the song with a chord that sang auditorium in a way that was so different from how it started.

I stood up and bowed, listening to the dull roar of the audience. The rest of my band bowed and we all walked off stage. Terra and Kyle flanked me as I walked out of the auditorium to meet the rest of my band. All of us were talking and congratulating each other when I felt someone touch my shoulder.

"Max!" I screamed, throwing my arms around his shorter form. I kissed him lightly before letting him go. "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at school."

"This was my idea and I wanted to see you," Max whispered, grabbing my hand. "I also finally got your birthday Christmas present."

Max reached into his pocket and pulled out a black velvet lined box and handed it to me. It was expensive, definitely, and I felt uncomfortable as I opened it. I gasped as I pulled out the silver pendent. It was roughly an inch big and had a sapphire put into it.

"Oh my gods," I whispered, turned it around to see words engraved into the back of it. Your kindness won't betray me.

"Do you like it?" Max asked softly.

I put it around my neck and felt its weight against my chest. It flickered in the light. I felt my eyes burn with tears as I gripped the metal tightly in my hands. I smiled at Max and held him tightly against me. I loved him so much and I told him so.

But somewhere, I knew this couldn't last.


The talent show was on January 14.

I got my acceptance letter to Oxford on January 15 with a five thousand pound scholarship per semester for playing the sax as well as I did and another four thousand per semester for my compositions. From that point on, I had made my decision. I was going to be attending the Oxford School of Music.

All of the preparations I made for college I kept under wraps. I don't know why I did everything in secret, but I didn't want my friends to know what I was doing. I applied for a student visa, housing, all of it, without anyone being aware. Daniel and Elliot would ask me about college, and I would just shrug the question off and continue shifting all my money to a different bank account and transferring it into pounds.

It wasn't until graduation and most of my paperwork and files necessary for college were completed did I finally tell someone. It wasn't my family or the Frosts. I told Kyle and Terra first. They both looked at me with crooked smiles and congratulated me on getting into a college like this. I also made them promise not to tell anyone anything.

"But that's so amazing!" Terra whined. "You're going to England!"

"That's really fantastic, Cody," Kyle agreed. "You've told your family, right?"

"No," I sighed as we walked to the music hall in the morning after I told them. "I don't want Max to freak out and fail all of his finals."

"Why would he freak out?" Kyle asked.

Terra hit his head, "Cody either is long to do a long distance relationship or break up with him. Cody's going to wait until Max has finished this year of school."

I stayed silent the rest of the morning, dealing with the question that Kyle and Terra forced me to think about. I had to choose between long distance relationships with Max where we are going to be gone and separated for at least five years. I didn't want to force Max to be stuck with me for five years. We were going to be separated for five years and by half of a world.

Your kindness won't betray me.

Graduation day came quickly. Kara and I were standing next to each other, waiting for the walk to start. Matt and Max were here with their families, waiting to send us forward into adulthood. And I dreaded every moment of it. I was laughing with all of my friends, but today was the day I needed to announce where I was going to college and...and break up with Max.

"C'mon Cody," Kara bounced, "it's starting!"

"Yay," I muttered, following her to my place in line to walk.

We all cheered with the speakers and for each other as we received our own high school diplomas. Kara and I freaked out as we put our gowns in the turn in place and found our groups to freak out with before we went and found our family and friends.

Kara and I found our families standing next to each other a little ways away from the main exit, waiting for us to make our appearance. I had invited Dr. Johnson, but didn't expect him to be there. Yet there he was and he saw me first.

"Congratulations, Cody!" He said brightly, getting the attention of my family.

I was surrounded by my family, each congratulating me and shaking my hands. There was something in Elliot's eyes that had me convinced that he knew more about my plans than anyone else did. He didn't say anything about it, but told me that I did well and he was excited to see me off to college, no matter where I was heading. I hugged him back and smiled.

Dinner that night was a huge affair at the Frost household. Dr. Johnson and Alexa left with their family after the ceremony, leaving just our two close and intertwined families to celebrate. Isaac and Elliot went all out to make things as great and large as they could. Our families laughed and joked all throughout dinner. After dinner, Max was sitting next to me, leaning on my shoulder.

"So," Max said as the family made small talk around us, "what are your college plans?"

I sighed, "Can we go talk somewhere else?"

"Sure," Max smiled, helping me up to my feet. We walked out of the family room and paused outside of Max's room. "What’s up, Codes?"

"It's about college," I started quietly. "I've been preparing to go to college for a few months now. I've got my visa, tuition, my dorm, everything's ready."

"Why do you need a visa?" Max asked.

I looked away from him, staring at the carpet. "I'm going out of country."

Max forced me to look at him, his bright green eyes looking into my own. "Where, Codes?"

"Oxford," I pulled away from Max and wrapped my arms around myself. "I've got a scholarship over there and the chance to get a degree from a school like Oxford...it's my dream, Max."

"Alright," Max responded. "We can work with this."

"That's what I wanted to talk about," I turned around. "I'm going to be in England, Max. You're here. I don't want you to be tied to someone you're only going to see once or twice a year."

"Cody?" Max looked me over. His eyes softened, "I understand."

"I just really don't want you to be alone," I walked away from Max, back towards my family.

"Cody," Max ran up next to me, "I understand. Go and tell everyone else the good news, alright?"

Despite the smile on his face, I heard the pain in his voice.
 

Elliot and Daniel followed after me, each of us carrying some of my luggage. I knew we'd be separated at security, but this would do. We went over to luggage check and dropped off the majority of my bags. Elliot handled the last few expenses and we walked over to the security check.

Today was the day I moved on. College started in a few days, and I wanted my farewell to be small, intimate, so that's what I had. It was just Elliot and Daniel that accompanied me. We stopped outside the security check line.

"I'm so proud of you," Daniel smiled.

I looked down at the ground, "Thank you, for everything."

"It's been our pleasure," Elliot put his arm around his partner. "We expect to see you around Christmas time or Easter break."

"Of course," I grinned. "I love you guys."

"We love you too," Daniel wiped something away from his eye. "Don't forget to write."

"I won't," I shifted my shoulder bag, "Give my best to Matt and Kara and Isaac and Jack."

"And Max?" Elliot asked softly.

Both families knew we had broken up, even if we didn't actually tell anyone why we did. I rubbed the pendant under my shirt. I didn't know why I was I still wearing it, but it felt right.

I nodded, "Yes, tell him too."

"You should get going," Daniel said, looking at his watch. "I don't want you to miss your flight."

I breathed out heavily, looking at the security check that would send me on to the next part of my life. I prepared myself, and walked forward, not looking back.

2: Doctor's Orders

Max POV

He was gone.  Daniel was kind enough to let me know when he left.  I wasn’t sure about how well I was taking it.  I mean, I’d been having issues with handling my stress well lately.  I’d even mused what it would be like to cut myself to make sure I was still feeling things the way I should.  It scared me to think like that, but the more I tried to push the thought away, the more it danced in my mind.

I went back to school, and people could tell I was different.  Some began avoiding me, others weren’t too different than the ones in high school.  Gods, the saying really true, “High school never ends.”

Months passed and I slowly began giving in to the temptation that was always there. The dull knives in the kitchen of my apartment.  The razor blades in my bathroom.  They all seemed to lull my mind into a frenzy.  Until, I tried it.

I sat on my couch and played with the knife in my hand. It was dull and shiny, I should have sharpened it really, but I rather liked the dull edge roughly piercing my skin. I liked the sting it left for a few days, yet it was nothing in comparison to the ever present constriction in my chest.

You're alone, Max. What will you do? I mused, tapping the blunt edge against my leg.

I looked at my door, it wasn't locked... Let them find me. I would be a cold corpse in the end anyway. Why not just... Speed up the process a little? Yeah, it was fine, no one lived with me. I was alone. Alone. By myself. Unloved. Forgotten.

I flipped the kitchen knife over and in a decisive stroke let the crimson liquid out of its fleshy prison. It spread, soaking my pants. It was on the chair now. Look at it go!

I watched in delirious awe as my blood soaked into my clothes and the furniture, slowly dripping to the linoleum below. My brain didn't register the pain, it felt good, like a soft caress on my thigh.

The door opened and I saw Kyle, my sister's boyfriend, pop his head in. Did he knock? Had there been knocking?

"Max!" he screamed, diving to rip the blade from my hand. I moaned in anger. I wanted it back! "Gods, Kara! Call 911!"

He quickly grabbed a kitchen towel and wrapped it around my leg, tying it crudely to slow the liquid's escape.

I pushed at his hands, hearing a scream and furious dialing and a hysterical conversation with what I could only assume was a dispatcher.

The world was fuzzy, I blinked and growled. They weren't supposed to find me yet. They were supposed to wait until I was cold and talking to my mom. I wanted to see her. I wanted her to hold me, let me cry into her shoulder.

"He's losing consciousness!" I heard a yelp, and leaned over feeling free until suddenly stopping with a grunt and darkness.

There were a lot of tube connected to me. I looked around the white room. It was too clean. I hated this place already. I was insistent of cleanliness, but this was ridiculous.

"He's awake," I heard a voice and instantly wanted to groan. "Maxie?"

It was dad. He placed a gentle hand on my head and brushed my golden hair from my face.

"Gods, you gave us a scare, what were you thinking?" Dad continued.

"That we all end up as a pile of bones in the ground anyway..." I grumbled.

"Max!" it was Papa this time. I looked at his blue eyes that were filled with horror.

"What?" I mocked.

"Don't you dare treat your life like that," Papa almost cried.

I looked off to the window of the room and frowned.

"Pardon me," a doctor cleared her throat. "Now that he's awake, we would like to run some tests. If we can have you step out to the waiting room that would be of the most help right now.

A few tests and a couple hours later I was diagnosed with severe depression. The doctor had brought in a psychologist to "talk to me," yeah he made me answer questions, and believed I was acting this way due to living alone and so far from my family. A load of bull shit if you ask me. I live less than three or four hours away from home, like hell I'm "too far away."

The shrink suggested someone live closer and check in on me every so often and even went so far as to medically suggest a roommate. How does one "medically suggest a roommate?"

I'd find out in a few weeks.

I walked in with a small bag of personal items and was immediately met by the bare chested roommate I had been informed of. His name was Leroy Hughes, a psychology major. He was meant to help me with my depression issues.

"Sorry," he smiled. There was a towel around his dark shoulders. He towered over me and honestly looked like a massive teddy bear. "I wasn't expecting you so soon. You must be Max Frost."

I stared at his paw... I mean hand, for a second and took it. My hand was engulfed in a hearty handshake and a bright smile met my tired eyes.

"So, a little about myself, I don't expect you to trust me without knowing me. My name is Leroy Hughes. I'm 21, Psych major, as you have probably heard already. I'm a sucker for sweet treats and don't know my own strength, though I have been told I'm gentle," his smile was infectious.

"Hi..." I said awkwardly.

"And you are?"

"Max Frost. 20, Structural Engineering, can't say no to cookies, and I'm gay." I don't know why I told him that, maybe to make it clear that he should leave me alone.

"So is my sister, our parents disowned her after she came out. She was 16."

I looked at him and tried to figure out the tone of his voice, or at least read the atmosphere. It was still happy...

"Most of my acquaintances through her are gay as well. They're wonderful people. I don't really understand the homophobic community. It's part of why I want to be a psychologist."

I was awe struck.

"Out of curiosity, and for my personal research, how did your parents take it?"

"Me coming out?" I asked.

He nodded and moved over to grab a notebook and pen.

"Well, they're gay too, so they were really supportive. They were my role models when..."

"Ah ah ah!" Leroy waved a finger. "The first step to recovery is realizing what is troubling you. Everyone has their demons. It's up to you whether or not you will fear them or chat over tea."

It was like a veil had been lifted from my eyes. I don't know what it was, but I felt comfortable, I felt like he cared, wanted to know about me and my family, and my life to this point. He pulled out a chair and gestured for me to sit and sat down in another chair.

"I had a boyfriend... My first boyfriend really..." it hurt to talk about Cody. "You've probably heard of him already... Cody Evans?"

A light clicked and Leroy's eyes widened, "The composer?"

I nodded, "He's a year younger than I am... as he is such a talent, wonderful boy... young man, I guess... he naturally was offered scholarships to many universities, including this one. I... don't know when, but he managed to get all the way to London for a three day meeting with Oxford professors for admission to that college without our knowing. He's always been like that... secretive. He's always in pain and no matter how hard I try... or tried... he never seemed to get better. I suppose that's why he left, really... he needed to think, get away, from his adopted family... and me.

"I gave him a necklace for his birthday with an inscription on the back... He never gave it back. I'm beginning to wonder if it's just false hope or something. I wanted him to be able to solely focus on his education and not on me, but... I'm not sure how much longer my sanity can take it. I mean, I'm on the gods’ damned suicide watch!" I threw my arm out at the door where I'm sure a police officer was stationed until I had "recovered" enough for my baby sitter to leave.

Leroy listened without a word, just nodding, not even taking notes.

"Look, I'm just a second year Psych student. You obviously still have feelings for this Cody Evans, right?"

I stared at him.

"And the Cody Evans is in England, yes?"

My expression didn't change.

"Then maybe the best thing you can do is not forget, but let him be a demon."

"And drink tea with him? How British can you get?" I cocked an eyebrow.

"Add crumpets," he responded, "Look, what I'm saying is: wondering if he still has feelings for you is only going to hurt you. Now, have you been writing him?"

I nodded.

"Keep doing that, but don't send anything that will hurt you or potentially him."

"Why?"

"Break ups hurt no matter if you're gay, straight, or bisexual. They suck, and this is your first and it's a nasty one. I'm not going to tell you to 'move on,' but I am going to tell you to stop torturing yourself by holding on too tight."

I looked down at my small bag; I had a letter for Cody in it. What did I write? Oh yeah... I was trying to make him tell me how he felt. I couldn't send that! I could write another one... Yeah.

I pulled out a note pad and pen and began writing. My handwriting was neat, legible enough without being girly. I signed the page and frowned. It was just as personal as the other one. I was writing a journal addressed to Cody... Gods...

I sighed.

"Max?" I looked up at Leroy. "If you need to talk, I'm here to listen."

"Likewise," I then proceeded to feel lighter. I looked down at the letter and tore it out, folding it and setting it in the back of the pad. Journal entries addressed to Cody, a way I could "have tea with my demons."

I looked at the clock and pulled out a bottle of anti-depressants, popping one like candy and swallowing without water. I sighed. Just another demon to get acquainted with.

It had been about a month since Leroy and I became roommates. He was an incredibly good listener and honestly was my best friend. We did a lot together. I eventually got to meet his sister, Liadra, she was gorgeous and I'm not even looking for her at the market. Her hair was silky black and ebony as her skin. She had dark chocolate eyes that seemed to suck you in to her beauty. She should honestly be a model. She's skinny, with ought being unhealthy, and tall without being lanky. There was one thing I learned really fast though, she wears the pants in the relationship.

Liadra was older than Leroy by about four and a half years. She graduated college with her own money and scholarships, plus a few grants that landed her with a profit for semesters. She now worked as a "probie" FBI agent and, from what she could legally say, she was damn good. Apparently she had worked with Papa before, after all he's the best sketch artist in America. After a few hours talking, we became pretty good friends as well.

Leroy was a popular guy, almost completely the opposite of me. I had a lot of friends in high school, most didn't care if I was gay or straight, but college was different. The upperclassmen didn't really associate with the lowerclassmen outside of the lecture hall, and the same class people seemed to keep to themselves. But Leroy knew everyone. He knew their first names and interests off the top of his head and could converse with pretty much every social group. His secret? The internet. Familiarize yourself with everything so you can talk about everything.

I don't know how he thought I could possibly do that, but that was his strategy and it seemed to be working.

"Love you guys too," I smiled. Kara and Kyle had gotten engaged a few weeks ago and Papa was freaking out about the wedding details, eventually calling a planner to do it for him. Kara wore the class ring Kyle had proposed with like a medal. They were so in love.

I really respected Kyle. Kara was difficult to keep up with and understand. Then there was the issue of our dads. Kyle didn't seem to care and neither did his parents. They didn't even seem to mind that I played for the other team as well. They were all around great people.

I picked up painting again. I know, it wasn't ever a good thing when I painted before, but Leroy thought it best for me to actually do something with my hands that was productive. As I didn't know how to knit (don't tell him that I told you this, but damn he's really fast and good at knitting), painting was one of the only options I had left.

3: The First Christmas

Max POV

My name is Maximillian Lynn Frost and I am a shopaholic. I got bit by the shopping bug young and I got bit bad. I had a music ornament for Cody, in case he came, an engagement gift for Kara and Kyle, a new Pictionary game for Dad as the last one died a horrible death (Papa). And a basic book of How to Draw: For Dummies for Papa. There were other assorted gifts for others (Daniel, Elliot and Matt) but I was most proud of my gift to Leroy. My first completed painting.

The painting was a wolf (his favorite mammal) sitting in a field howling at the moon. I wrapped it and as we were both leaving to our respective homes, we exchanged gifts early.

I opened the small box to find a snow globe with the coliseum inside. He knew I had a soft spot for old buildings. I hugged it close as I would a teddy bear, nearly crying.

He laughed and began tearing at the gift wrap. He stared in awe after the paper was removed and he got his first good look.

"Are you sure you're in the correct Major?" He asked.

"Perfectly," I nodded. "Why?"

"I usually don't disagree with people's choice of major, but gods you would be a kick ass art major."

I chuckled at his compliment, "Thanks, my dad taught me everything I know."

"The sketch artist?"

I nodded.

"Now I wanna see your Dad's artwork. If you're this good and he's supposedly the best in the nation..."

"You know those time lapse YouTube videos with the 3D optical illusion art?"

Leroy nodded.

"Imagine that with a face," I smiled as his eyes rivaled a frisbee in size. "He has his Master's degree in Art. He originally intended on being a teacher, but when the FBI consulted him and my dad got promoted, there was no point. He does it for fun and he makes a lot of money doing it."

"I'll bet." Leroy didn't take his eyes off my artwork. It made me uncomfortable yet proud somehow. "Seriously Mack, thanks. This is beautiful."

I placed a nervous hand behind my head and chuckled. Soon we were boarding our forms of transportation and on our way home for Christmas festivities. The back of my mind had a tickling, I was curious if Cody would actually show up, or if I'd have to give his present to Daniel and Elliot again to ship off to London. I never put who my gift was from, much like I never signed the unsent letters I kept in my sock drawer, so he probably thought they were from his parents.

The majority of my mind wanted him to stay in England. I had a mental breakdown just a few months ago. I knew how bad it was, and the anti-depressants were working. I never missed those little blue pills. I had once and Leroy threatened to bring back the police babysitter. He knew how much they annoyed me when I was depressed and I never missed taking a pill since.

I pulled up to my house and sighed. I hadn't really seen or spoken to my parents yet. Leroy said it would be better if I took the time to heal myself before I tried to heal my relationships. It would take a while for our relationship to be back to where it was and I knew they were going to try and be as delicate as possible around me, but they were my parents, and no matter what, I'll still love them.

I parked and sighed, getting out and grabbing luggage and presents from my trunk.

I set stuff down on the porch and rang the bell. I was greeted by Dad's loving green orbs and a relaxing smile. He visibly relaxed as he saw me.

"Merry Christmas, Dad," I smiled. I reached down to grab my stuff but was denied when Dad was already bringing it to my old room, where I stayed every time I visited.

"Jack, if you touched that cake, so help me..." Dad warned as we passed the living room. I glanced to see Pops holding his hands up in surrender.

"Welcome home, Maxie." Pops called after me.

I walked in to the finely decorated tree and placed the large boxes underneath, "Hi, Pops."

"How are you doing?" He asked.

"I'm managing," I sighed. "Leroy has been a big help, really."

"The roommate I have yet to meet?" Dad entered the room and gave me "the look."

"Maaaaaybe?" I smirked. "He's really been helping. He's like a living, breathing teddy bear really."

"And how did he react to your sexual preference?" Pops asked, slightly worried.

"Surprisingly, really well. Apparently he doesn't understand the whole 'homophobic' crowd. His parents don't care for us anyway. I'm really starting to wonder how he came from his parents. I met them in passing, they're really stuck up and self-centered, the complete opposite of Leroy."

They actually looked mildly impressed.

"His sister was disowned for being gay when she was sixteen. She's four and a half years older than Leroy, so it must have made a lasting impression on the pre - teen him." I admitted.

Now they understood, nodding to express so.

A year passed since I was diagnosed and with the program and the amount of credit hours I was destroying my brain cells with, I was graduated with a Bachelor's Degree in Structural Engineering. On to my Master's. Cody didn't come last Christmas, thank the gods and I actually began writing less and less. Leroy said I was going in a good direction.

Another Christmas, gone. No Cody. I think I can handle that.

I absent mindedly traced the crude pale scar running over my left thigh. It was low enough that it could be seen just under a pair of shorts when I sat down, but high enough it wasn't obvious.

"Max?" Leroy came into the room. It was about three in the morning and I still had yet to fall asleep. Insomnia was a side effect of the new anti - depressant I was taking.

"Hmmm?" I responded.

"Medicine keeping you up?"

I nodded took a deep breath.

"You feeling okay?" Leroy was awesome this way, he would literally start going to bed at six, just so he could be up at three and not be dead tired for morning classes. He sat next to me and brought his feet up on the couch, noticing what my fingers were tracing.

"I don't know. This new medication does weird things to my perception. I mean, I feel perfectly fine, but I zone out. I feel incredibly happy and my eyes leak with tears of sadness. It's like everything is backwards. I kinda miss the little blue pill."

"You know the doctor had to increase your dosage. You weren't responding to the medication anymore." He placed a hand on my shoulder and let his thumb rub comforting circles.

"I know, it gets worse every year. It's like I'm mentally cracking. I'm more easily agitated than ever before, I'm way more emotional than a man should be, gay or straight, and I can't seem to fall asleep without help." I listed off.

Leroy sighed. "Maybe you should send one of your letters."

"But you said..."

"I know what I said, Mack, but maybe what you need isn't a shrink, isn't your family or friends, but is someone you have tea with."

Tea had become my symbol of recovery. My demons were big and burly, but I quite enjoyed their company. I didn't feel alone ever. I sigh and stood up, tonight would be another all-nighter. I would let Leroy use my car so he could drive more safely than I, and besides, he drives a motorcycle most of the year anyway. He has his license and he's a good driver, he just doesn't see the point of a car for one person.

He's entitled to his opinion.

I got a pot of coffee going and sat at the table with another sheet of paper.

Dearest Cody,

I'm not sure why I'm writing this, but it's supposed to help, so... Here we go. A little while back I had some... Depression issues per say and well... Kinda... Snapped? I guess that's the closest thing to describe a mental breakdown. Before you start freaking out and worrying, no I was unsuccessful or I wouldn't be writing right now. My prescription just got "upped" and it's currently 3:18 am in San Francisco. No I'm not going to be driving today. I'll leave that to my roommate, he's up too, but he went to bed at 6, so he has had around 8 hours of sleep or so. He's a nice guy, wants to be a psychologist.

Anyway, I just received my Bachelor's and have begun my thesis for my Master's. I'm making a model of a new auditorium for campus. Who knows, maybe someday my thesis will be a reality. I have to study acoustics like crazy to make it reverberate the way I want. Yay math! So far I have the material list, to account for cost, as well as the dimensions the exterior cannot exceed. This is a lot of thinking for someone who hasn't gone to sleep yet.

Well, I guess that's enough of me. How are you? What countries have you been to? Any great halls I should study for my thesis? I trust your ears. How is London treating you? If you're still there, that is. I haven't talked to Daniel or Elliot since Christmas or so. Kara had her baby, Emma, bright blue eyes and really fine blonde hair for the time being. They moved to San Francisco because the doctors said I needed family closer than Pops and Dad. How can a psychologist prescribe family to be closer and a roommate?

The world may never know.

I smelled coffee and looked over too see the coffee pot was filled. I left the page on the table and poured two cups of the brown caffeine high and handed one to Leroy.

I went back and began pouring the sugar and cream and caramel and... You get the picture.

"Geez, do you want coffee with your sweeteners?" Leroy gaped.

"I prefer one part coffee, four parts surprise," I smiled. Leroy just laughed and shook his head, adding a spoonful of sugar, and the medicine went down. See what I did there?

Right.

I sat back down at the table and read over my letter, signing it and folding it, just like I did with the others. I even had them in envelopes and stamped, but not a single one had been mailed. I dropped it in with the others and sighed. I know Leroy said to actually mail that one, and I didn't ask anything personal, but I didn't want tea, I had coffee.

I laid on my bed, staring at the ceiling, marveling at the bumps and ridges in it. I knew the techniques behind them, but it never ceased to amaze me by how many different patterns there were. I personally liked the one on my ceiling that looked like a broken heart next to a music note. It was irony at its best if you ask me.

I remembered Leroy's words, "I'm not going to tell you to move on, just not hold on so tight." Alright, so I paraphrased, but you get the point. Maybe the ceiling was like the bottom of the tea cups in that one book... Hidden meanings in them?

Maybe I was really meant to let go and move on. I hadn't had a single boyfriend or gone on a single date since Cody left and it had been three years. I should probably start looking at least... What's the use? No one will be quite as adorable as Codes. His tendency to think he wasn't worth me. His hatred of his dull hair and murky eyes. So he says. I saw dark brown locks I could play with as we kissed and deep, melted chocolate eyes that couldn't be compared to anything else deemed "beautiful." His eyes were just the tip of the iceberg, and I had been so foolish to think I was "unsinkable," when in fact, I was the Titanic.

I always had personal Christmas Cards made. I would have holiday photos taken and make a post card collage. Usually, I just printed off little stickers with the addresses so I didn't have to cramp up my hand for a few dozen cards.

"You should give Cody a personal message," Leroy smiled.

"And why the hell would I do that?" I deadpanned.

"Because you still love him," he shrugged, continuing to knit his next creation. He knit stuffed animals, and before you think anything, he donates them to the Christmas Box Charity so children can have presents on Christmas. Again, nice guy, but lately he's been trying to get me to get Cody back and do the whole "long distance relationship" thing.

I pulled out a pen and shot a dirty glare, writing three words: Merry Christmas - Max. Okay, three words and a hyphen.

Leroy looked back at me and smiled, to which I sneered.

"Want some cookies?" I asked, trying to get him to lay off.

"Always, and tell Isaac that his cookies make the gods wonder how he got the recipe for ambrosia."

I smiled. Dad's cookies were the best, and the reason why I was resigned to one day become fat.

I began mixing and adding ingredients, making three pans of cookies and an extra half bowl of the dough to munch on. Yes, seems like overkill, but Leroy is a freaking starving animal when it comes to cookies. He was not kidding when he was a sucker for sweets. They will be gone as soon as they're out of the oven.

"Do we have any milk?" Leroy asked and I opened the fridge.

"Nope, I can go get some." I slipped a jacket on and grabbed my wallet. Our dorm room was close to a Ma and Pop grocery store. It was by no means freezing outside, the bay did a good job of regulating the temperature of the air, but I was born and raised in California, I was cold. I rubbed my arms and let a shiver run down my spine, looking up to see storm clouds overhead. Man, this jacket didn't have a hood.

I quickly made my way to the dairy fridge and grabbed two gallons of milk. Leroy drank the stuff by the gallon, so it was one for him and maybe a cup or two for me. I brought them over to the counter and reached in my pocket for cash. I looked up to see a guy who I recognized from a few lectures we had together.

"Hey, Max, right?" I nodded. He was tall and broad, though not as tall and broad as Leroy. He had medium hair and hazel eyes that seemed to stare into my soul.

"My name's Brandon, we have physics and technical applications together," he scanned my items and told me the price, to which I paid.

"Right," I smiled and shook his hand. "You're a Senior, right?"

"Still working on the Bachelor's," he nodded. "We would be in the same class, but you took an accelerated program."

I nodded, I didn't do well with nine credit hours. I think my least busy schedule was thirteen credit hours one semester.

I looked out the glass door and groaned when rain began to drizzle.

"It was nice talking, but I've got cookies in the oven and it's raining," I apologized.

"It's okay, just sit next to me at the next lecture and we'll call it even," was he hitting on me.

I gave him a smirk and nodded, "I'd like that."

4: Epiphany

Max POV

I sat in my chair and was greeted by strong arms around my shoulders. A soft kiss on my temple.

"Hi, hun," I smiled, looking in to the hazel eyes I had grown quite fond of. Brandon weaseled his way into my heart for months before I finally agreed to go on a date with him. One date led to four more, and four more led to a star lit kiss, and I felt very comfortable with him.

"Still trying to work your algorithm?" He asked, putting his head on my shoulder and looking over my scribbles.

"I can't seem to get the hall to correctly rebound the sounds and then account for dampening with the seats and the audience," I leaned my head onto his and tossed my pencil down.

Brandon twirled me around in my chair and pulled me up just long enough for him to sit and pull me back down to his lap.

"How is this supposed to help me?" I asked.

"It's not, it's supposed to distract you until you have an epiphany."

I chuckled and looked down. He had a way with words that made me laugh. He found ways to make me smile. He knew about Cody and didn't mind. He said he was grateful for him. Something about making a pathway to him. Gods he was so understanding.

I felt a hand under my chin and let it lead me into a soft kiss.

"Is it working?" Brandon smiled, leaning his forehead onto mine.

"A little," I grinned.

"Just a little?" He reeled. He slid an arm under my legs and stood with me in his arms. I panicked slightly, nearly choking him as I grabbed on to his neck. "Then we are going on a date."

Surprise dates, he loved them. Any time I was particularly depressed, he would take me on a road trip, or we would go shopping. He hated shopping, but he knew I loved it, so he often treated me with a trip to the mall.

"And where are we off to today, oh knight in shining armor?" I mused.

"Disneyland seems a little far, sadly, so... How about... My place?" I looked at him curiously. "We will go to Disneyland, mark my words. And my folks have been begging to meet you."

I was kinda touched by how embarrassed he looked.

"I want to keep you to myself," he bit his lip adorably.

I kissed his nose, "I would love to meet your family on one condition."

He looked at me, slightly worried.

"You meet my family next week."

A bright smile crossed his face as he opened his car door and put me in, careful to not hit my head. He shut the door and ran around and got in, kissing my cheek before buckling and starting the car.

The view wasn't much over the short drive. Brandon was the oldest of four in the family. His younger sister, his only sister, was eighteen and preparing to join us in the fall in college. Then his twin brothers, apparently his mother was a twin which made her chances of having twins much greater, who were both sixteen. They all thought their older brother was a really cool role model, despite being gay. He came out in high school, had a few flings, but I'm his first actual long term boyfriend.

It was a bit nerve wracking, but I kinda enjoyed it. We pulled in to a small neighborhood with palm trees lining the street. We stopped and parked on the road in front of a modest Spanish inspired home. I took a moment to admire the architecture as Brandon let me out of the car like a gentleman.

There was a girl on the porch with a boy as Brandon and I walked up, fingers interlocked.

"Brandon!" The girl squealed, jumping off the bench and attacking him with a hug.

"Hey, Brit," he smiled, hugging her back and lifting her off the ground.

"Oh my gods! Is this him?!" she let her jaw hang slack as she looked at me.

"Max, this is my little sister Brittany. Brit, this is Max Frost." I smiled and held my hand out politely for a handshake.

"Oh, gods no. I'm a hugger," she pulled me into a hug. I chuckled and returned it. "Damn, Brandon was not kidding when he said you were hot."

"Hey!" the boy from the porch protested.

"He's not on the market, Joe." She waved at him.

"Mmhmm..." he sassed. I liked this kid.

"Max, this is my boyfriend, Joseph. Just call him Joe, unless he pisses you off."

I smirked at that.

"Is mom home?" Brandon asked.

"She should be making cookies or something. You didn't tell us you were coming."

"He didn't tell me either," I shot a sideways glance at my spazz boyfriend.

He cringed comically with his to tongue out.

"Yep, that's Brandon." Brittany shook her head.

Said boy slipped his hand into mine and led me to the door. He slowly pushed it open and I followed him inside. Sliding out shoes off to surprise his mom. I smelled cookies. I followed him into the kitchen, seeing a woman with a few bits of salt in her hair.

I looked at him and he gave the mischievous smile and nod.

"Good afternoon, Mrs. Dyland." I said. She jumped and turned around to see her son laughing hysterically and a stranger with a nervous hand behind his blond head of hair.

"Brandon Stephen Dyland," she panted with a hand on her chest.

"Mother dearest?" He grinned.

"This had better be Max."

I nodded and held my hand out, "Or are you a hugger?"

She pulled me into a hug and I nearly cried. I had been hugged by girls before, but this was a mother's touch. I'd never been hugged by a mother figure before.

I smiled brightly at her as she held me at arm’s length and sized me up.

"What did he do to catch you? You are way out of his league." She sighed, pursing her lips and shaking her head.

"Ouch! I'm standing right here, ya know?" Brandon stumbled back as if he had been shot.

I laughed, "I don't know what to say..."

"Did he weasel his way in?" Mrs. Dyland raised a brow.

I scrunched my face and shook my head from side to side.

"That's what I thought," she gave Brandon what I could only assume was "the look," and for one he actually slightly shrunk away.

"It's not a bad thing," I smiled fondly, locking green with hazel.

"Gods, you two are gonna give me a cavity." Two identical boys cringed as they walked into the kitchen, following the aroma no doubt.

"Zip it, Elijah." Brandon lightly punched the closer twin. They looked like younger versions of Brandon.

"Did you hear that, Dylan?" Elijah looked to his twin.

"I do believe he kindly told you, in my own words, shut the hell up." The other deadpanned.

"Ouch," Elijah flinched.

"Hi, I'm Dylan, the more intelligent and less thick headed twin, you must be Max," he held a hand out this time, which I took and shook.

"What's with the sudden visit?" Elijah asked, sitting at the table.

"This boy needs an epiphany," he put his arms around my waist. I put my hands on his and leaned into his hug.

"An epiphany?"

"I'm working on my Master's thesis, and if you can help me out with complex acoustic mathematical functions..." I smirked as the sixteen-year-old twins' eyes progressively became larger and larger, horror slipping into their expressions. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

"Brandon is in the same major as you, right?" Elijah asked.

"Yes."

"Then, what the hell are you doing to yourself? Math? As a part of your career?"

I laughed.

"What?" Elijah asked.

"I had the same conversation with my best friend when I picked my major," I almost cried, I was laughing so hard at the memory.

"What was his major?" Dylan asked out of curiosity.

"English Lit!"

"That's worse!" The twins cried.

"Right?" I wiped a tear from the corner of my eye.

"I picked math over English for a reason. I'm gods awful at it."

"English sucks," Elijah groaned.

"My job still involves it. Everything does, I'm not saying math is better, I'm just saying I'm better at it." I clarified. I snuffed out another fit of laughter when the boys looked like I had destroyed their hopes and dreams.

"I smell cookies!" a man entered the house, I could tell by the shutting sound of the door. He walked into the kitchen and smiled at us for a moment before kissing Mrs. Dyland. I think it was safe to assume he was Mr. Dyland. "Good to see you, Brandon, is this...?"

"Max, dad. Dad, Max." We exchanged a business handshake and greeting.

"It's so nice to finally meet you. Brandon is on cloud nine whenever he talks about you. Sparkles in his eyes and everything."

My cheeks were warm and I was probably blushing, but nowhere near as bad as Brandon.

"Gee thanks, dad. Way to make me look ladylike in from of my boyfriend."

"That's not hard," Elijah muttered.

"I think it's cute," I shot a glare at Elijah, sufficiently shutting him up and kissed Brandon's cheek.

The rest of the night went something like that and when I got home, I had an epiphany. 

5: Yuletide Fear

Max POV

Christmas season and yuletide cheer my ass. I was nervous as hell. Christmas time was one of the few times a year Cody came back from abroad and after a good year - or was it more than that? I dunno - of being away. So. Damn. Far. Away.

I sighed and looked at my desk. White envelopes with personalized names written on the front. My Master’s was near completion, and graduation was in February, I knew it was early, but I wanted everyone to come... Or at least know about it.

I huffed, looking one last time in the mirror, fixing that imaginary fly away hair that was ever present. I slipped the invitations into the shoulder pack for safe keeping, and grabbed the handle of my suitcase, finally deciding that it was time to leave. I could get home in about an hour, not accounting for morons on the freeway and about an hour and a half otherwise, so naturally I left about three hours early with butterflies gathering in the pit of my stomach.

I placed my bags in the back seat, foregoing the trunk because of the horde of presents I had wrapped neatly in there. I had gone in on most of the presents with Kara to lesser the burden on both of us. Kyle, her husband, worked full time with Kara at home taking care of my hyperactive two year old niece Emma and my newborn nephew Owen. She had her hands full, and trust me, if there was one thing I wish I wasn't stereotypical "gay" while doing, it was shopping. It's an addiction that has yet to be tamed.

I started the car and proceeded on my journey to my childhood home.

The scenery was dull enough to keep my focus on the road and despite my paranoia,, there wasn't all that much traffic. I first noticed a familiar red sedan that belonged to my sister and her family in front of the ever more familiar house. Dad had been keeping the house just as beautiful as I remember it. Or he finally gave in and hired people to do it for him, which wouldn't be surprising.

I parked behind my sister and grabbed my luggage, locking my car behind me and walking to the door. Ringing the bell, I started to relax slightly. It was the day before Christmas Eve and I knew Cody wouldn't be here until tomorrow.

A small grunt sounded and an older man echoed in the entry hall.

"Em, wait up, sweetie, let me help you," Dad was obviously the one chasing Emma to the door.

The door swung open with my dad in all his caramel hair and green eyed grin, holding Emma back from the flat slab of wood. Damn. I must admit, I wish I was actually related to Isaac cause he got some good genes. Whereas Pops had had white hair, I'm convinced, since birth, Dad was in his fifties and I had yet to see a single grey hair.

"Uncle Max!!!!" the five year-old squealed, attacking my knees with a "giant" hug.

"Hey!" I smiled, glad I had a free hand to scoop her up and still drag my case in. "You have gotten SO big!"

Emma giggled and held up five fingers, "I'm five years old now, Uncle Max."

"Five years old?! Wow! That's SO big!" I played along. Dad eventually stole my luggage and was taking them to my old room for me.

As I was Kara's only brother, but not Emma's only Uncle, I liked to believe I was the favorite. However, Matthew and Cody were considered as uncles as well.

Matthew was a high school teacher like his father, only he taught English, Humanities and Creative Writing rather than History. Man it had been far too long since we had seen each other. Him living in Oregon and me still being in college tended to make things hard.

My five year old niece and I had a relatively decent conversation going into the family room.  Kara sat on the couch with Owen on her lap, fussing because it was probably nap time. Emma made me put her down as she wanted to immediately help her brother like a good big sister should.

"Need help?" I offered.

"Do I ever," she sighed. I recognized the exhausted mom look anywhere from when Emma was born. We both lived in the San Francisco Bay Area and visited often. Most of the time I would baby sit while Kara took a much needed nap.

I reached out and carefully lifted a crying three year old from his mother and let him drool on my shirt. He settled as I swayed from side to side, rubbing soft circles on his little back.

"Why is it that I can just let you hold my kids and they immediately love you and fall asleep in your arms? Without fail," Kara smirked.

"Little do you know, your brother is the child whisperer," I winked in response.

We shared a grin.

"You're here for less than five minutes and you manage to accomplish the task of making Owen drool all over your shoulder and fall asleep. Something we've been trying to do all morning," I swiveled to look at an exasperated Kyle coming from the kitchen with a bottle.

"Hey, Kyle," I smiled. When Kara first started to date Kyle I was reluctant. We went to high school with him and I was scared of how he would treat my baby sister, as a good brother should be. About a month into the relationship, Kara brought him home. Kyle wasn't fazed by Pops, Dad or me for that matter. He was incredibly accepting. Apparently, his parents didn't mind too much either; actually, they seemed to respect how long Pops and Dad had been together. Needless to say, their relationship got my blessing and marriage happened a few months later.

"Owen can feel your peace," Kyle nodded, playfulness subsiding long enough for a serious thought. "You radiate kindness and peace, any child would love you immediately."

"I just hope that's the case for when I finally adopt." I cringed, thinking about how hard it would be if I didn't have a natural gift with children.

"Max, if you can make Owen fall asleep, you can make any kid fall asleep. Emma slept the day away, but Owen enjoys making mommy stay up all night long. Gods, he’s three and doesn’t sleep the entire night." Kara rubbed her eyes.

Kyle sat next to her on the couch and brought her head to his muscular shoulder, kissing her forehead tenderly.

"Go get some sleep, honey. I'm sure the boys can handle the kids for a few hours. Especially Isaac and Max, they’re kid magnets."

Kara chuckled and nodded, going to her old room to sleep some.

"I should go get presents from my car," I sighed. "Do you want the sleeping kiddo?"

"I do!" I looked over to see Pops in all his white haired glory walking into the room with his arms outstretched for the child. "Gimme!"

I smiled and gingerly handed Owen to his Grandpa.

I began walking to the door when Kyle offered his help, seeing as I had done most of the shopping. I slipped the key into the trunk and opened it, revealing dozens of expertly wrapped presents. We each carried in a stack and set them under the fir tree and then returned for more.

"Daddy?" Emma wandered in after the last trip out for presents. "Is Uncle Max Santa?"

I smirked at the thought.

"No, sweetie," Kyle smiled.

"Although I might be an elf," I humored my two year old niece, a mischievous gleam in my eyes as she looked at me in admiration. "That's why I'm shorter than your daddy."

"Grandpa Jack! Uncle Max is one of Santa's elfses!!!" she squealed running into the next room leaving my brother in law and me laughing by the Christmas tree.

Kara woke up in time for dinner, prepared by Dad. We ate and lulled the kids to sleep then settled for sitting down and talking. It was nice being able to just talk with my family. We talked about the year and how things were going, and I mentioned graduation and told them I would give invitations tomorrow.

Around midnight, we wandered to our respective rooms and hunkered down, falling asleep. I found myself sleeping abnormally well. Home always did this to me. I was 24, but I was a daddy's boy. And proud of it.

My dreams were pleasant. Christmas time was always good for my dreams but bad for my nerves. I woke to the giggling of my niece and Kara trying to coax her out of my room. I rolled over to look at the back of the little girl's head and a wicked thought crossed my mind.

I quietly reached out then scooped her up with a playful roar.

"You have woken the sleeping Uncle, prepare to be tickled!!"

High pitched giggles echoed through my room as I stood up and spun around with the light child. Eventually, I stopped and set her down. I looked at my clock and noticed it was around 10:35 am. It was time to get dressed. I was in the process when the bell rang.

Completely unprepared, I made my way to the door in my pajamas. I opened the door, expecting it to be Elliot or Daniel... My mistake.

 

Cody POV

I anxiously tapped my leg as I waited for take-off. Jeremy had convinced me to go home for Christmas this year. I knew I needed to as a psychology major, that just leaving my family like this was just going to hurt me more and more. I already felt the ache in my soul left by the fading memories of Daniel and Elliot, Matt... and Max. I gripped the chair tightly and tried to force my worries out of my mind.

The flight attendant walked down the business elite cabin, offering glasses of champagne or orange juice. I took the champagne. Sipping at it, I pulled out the collection of printed emails and letters I had been sent over the last five years I hadn't really looked over. Some letters were still sealed. I flipped through dates, watching as fewer and fewer came the more recent it got. I grabbed a second champagne and sighed. This was going to be a long flight.

The majority of the seven hour flight to Minneapolis to my connection to LAX was spent looking over a single letter. Daniel had written me during my transition week from my first term abroad to settling back with Jeremy. It got lost in the change. It really shouldn't have been.

What the hell did Max think he was doing? He had dealt with my depression before and my cutting. Growing up, I had always thought that Max was the better of the two of us. He couldn't have submitted to the demons. I reread the letter, trying to figure out what led Max to this.

Daniel assured me that I wasn't the cause, but that felt like a lie. I folded the letter up and slid it into my carry on. I had things to talk to Max about. The portion of the flight from Minneapolis International to LAX looking over the rest of the letters. Minutes before landing, I reached the latest letter-a Christmas card. I looked over the front, seeing pictures of Max and... another man.

The man and Max seemed happy together, full of smiles and everything I missed about him. The question still was why I cared about him. Also why I still wore the pendant he got me for my eighteenth year. I really shouldn't have kept it. I didn't know why I kept going with it.

"Ladies and gentleman," the head flight attendant said over the speaker, "we thank you for flying with us. The temperature outside is about 19 degrees Celsius or about 66 Fahrenheit. The local time is 8:44 in the morning. On behalf of Delta Airlines, I thank you for flying with us. We hope that if you fly again soon, you choose us for all your flying needs. We also wish you a great holiday season."

I grabbed my carry on and fled the plane, walking into the warm California air. I stopped for a moment in the bathroom to freshen up before fixing my scarf. I got my car rental and drove to the Frost residence for Christmas Eve.

 

Max POV

My face was most likely obviously in shock. Damn he'd gotten tall. I know my heart shouldn't be pounding, but I can't help it. I knew how much he meant to me when we broke up, but it hurt to look at him now. My chest throbbed and felt like it was tightening. I still loved him, but there was no chance. I live in San Francisco, he lives in England. We were fated to be apart.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I believe it, but it also makes the ex-boyfriend want to snuggle with his dad and eat his cookies and cry. And I don't care that I'm 24 years old, I need chocolate chip cookies!

"Good morning," Cody said semi-awkwardly. Damn it! He had a slight accent now!!! One more reason for my heart to throb. Guys with accents are hot.

"Uhhhh," I answered intelligently. "Cody? Welcome back, it's good to see you."

I wasn't sure whether or not to hug him. Eventually I settled on just moving out of his way and letting him in.

Emma came running in with a smile that disappeared as fast as her speed.

"Hi, sweetie," I smiled, picking her up. She kept and apprehensive eye on the new face. "This is Cody, Grandpa Elliot and Danny's son."

I introduced her, not getting a reaction.

Cody blinked twice and looked at me.

"Right! You weren't born when Cody was here last. You were still in your mommy's tummy," I smiled at Cody's reaction.  "Cody, this is Emma. Emma, how old are you?"

Emma reacted to the question and held five fingers in my face, ignoring my ex-boyfriend.

"I'm this many," she said sheepishly.

I smiled and tickled her side before turning to send her to dad. She was uncomfortable with Cody, I could tell, and I figured a familiar face would be good. She smiled and ran off to find her caramel haired grandpa and I turned to Cody.

"Need any help with luggage and the like?" I offered.

"Ah!" I seemed to have startled him awake from a daydream. "Sorry... No, I believe I can handle my trunks."

I nodded and led him to a spare room. Kara and Kyle had her old room and her kids slept in there too for comfort and convenience. I had my room and offered for Emma to have a "sleep over" when she was having a hard time. We kept the spare room open in case Cody actually came this year and needed a place for his luggage and possible place to crash. Jet lag was a bitch.

I knew Cody knew where the guest room was, but I couldn't just let him go on his own. That is... Until I looked down and noticed my pajamas consisted of shorts and a tight t - shirt.

"If you need anything, just let me know. I'm in my old room." Cody nodded as I walked to my room to change.

I slipped into my room and slid out of my PJs and into more appropriate attire. My outfits were preplanned.  Today's was skinny jeans, well, as skinny as I would allow them to be, and a white shirt under a green sweater and matching scarf.

I sat with my head in my hands after dressing and contemplated what just happened. Cody hadn't come to one of these Christmas get togethers in nearly three years, yet I knew he was just across the hall.

It took all I had not to break down in tears. Seeing him made me remember what I let go. My stomach did flips and my heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest, but for all I knew, he had a perfectly wonderful boyfriend back in London who had no idea what a treasure they got to look at and hold every single day.

Grin and bear it, Max. Grin and bear it.

I sighed and pushed on my knees as I stood up. Placing a mask on my face, hiding my pain, I walked back out to face everyone I loved.

I wasn't proud that I could compartmentalize my emotions as well as I could, but I had learned how to do it to hide how I felt about a certain someone moving to England from my family. I knew they worried, but I was tired of the questions.

I wandered to the bathroom and fussed with my hair for a few minutes until satisfaction was impossible and walked to the family room. We were playing Pictionary, a family favorite the pops just never got good at. I laughed to tears when he tried to explain how his picture was of a simple dog. Dad was still the best. Kara had a bachelor's in Art, but dad had years of experience and a Masters above her skill set. I was impressed with Emma's ability to draw exceptionally well for a two year old. Ok, it was downright crazy how good she was for her age. Her drawings were better than Pops' s. When the doorbell rang again, I ran to open it to two very happy men I loved.

"Elliot! Daniel! Welcome! You're just in time for cookies and Pictionary," I grinned. Daniel immediately perked up and asked if it was Pops’ turn so he could poke fun as well.

"He's next, and thought you should know your prodigy son is taking a nap in the guest room." I mentioned going back to the game as the couple made themselves at home.

"Cody?" Daniel smiled.

"Yep. Do you know if Matthew and Sarah are coming?" I asked, as they entered the family room.

"They said they were planning to. Asher, Chase and Charlie are a handful for the young couple." Elliot smiled fondly. He really liked his daughter in law and absolutely adored his grandsons.

"Good," I said, almost threateningly. "I haven't seen Chase and Charlie in ages. They must have gotten big on me."

Daniel laughed nearly to tears as Pops tried another pitiful picture.

"Oh, Jack," he wheezed. "You'd think with a husband like Isaac you would be able to cook and draw decently."

"Ha ha, laugh it up, Danny," Pops scowled, void of all humor. "We both still know that I am the king of math and contracts."

Daniel nodded, wiping his eyes.

The guest room door opened and a tired Cody emerged.

"Feeling better?" I smiled.

"Much," he replied.

I scooted toward Emma who was on my left and patted the floor next to me. He smirked and sat next to me. He gave off an aura... Something that made me want to sit up straight.

"What do they teach you in British colleges?" I queried. "Class and posture?"

"You'd think that with the way I dress and sit, huh?" he playfully nudged me.

"Just a tad," I nudged back.

Dad and Daniel shared a look. One of those "I can see a relationship ready to bloom with the correct nudge" looks. Well, the joke is on them. I found the box of mistletoe yesterday and conveniently "misplaced" it.

Another chime echoed and I was on my feet.

I was practically running to the door. When I opened it I was greeted with a bear hug from my best friend.

"Max!" Matthew squeezed.

"Matt!" I responded with a laugh.

"God's it's been too long!"

"Good to see you too, but you're blocking you wife and children from the house."

"Right..." Matt was notorious for getting caught in the moment. He let me move to the side and let them through.

"It's good to see you, Sarah. It's been a long time," I said, giving her a hug. We were good friends as well, of course not as good of friends as Matthew and me, but good friends all the same.

"Too long," she agreed, hugging back.

"Mama?" a small voice asked. I looked down to see two little boys and a third taller one.

"Dear goodness," I breathed. "They have gotten big on me."

"Uncle Max!" Asher giggled.

"Asher! Man have you gotten tall!" the six year old tackled me and I picked him up for a decent hug. The other two boys were wary of my existence.

"Chase, Charlie, this is Max, my best friend," Matthew introduced the little boys.

"I haven't seen you two since you two turned two!" I grinned, still holding Asher.

The two four year olds began running around like teenagers instead of toddlers. I looked at Sarah.

"How long have they been running around like that?"

"Too long," she chuckled. "I honestly think they were on the move the moment they we're born."

We shared a laugh and shut the door.

"Grandpa Elliot! Grandpa Danny!" Asher squeaked, having me put him down as he saw his grandpas and careened toward Daniel.

"Apa!!" One of the twins smiled, walking quickly, but safely to Elliot. The other seemed content to have his mom take off his boots and coat before following his brothers to his grandpas.

"Charlie is the late one to the party," Matthew explained. "He's a lot more laid back than Chase is."

"What did you expect?  You named him 'Chase.' As in, to give chase."

"I kinda walked into that one, huh?"

"More like ran furiously after to catch up.”

We laughed at the awfulness of my pun and followed the kids over.

I looked over to see Cody wide eyed and semi in shock at the sudden presence of his three nephews. I slipped past the frantic hugs and sat next to Cody.

"They're just your nephews you know..." I patted his shoulder and felt something. I looked to see a familiar chain around his neck. My mask almost shattered right then and there if it weren't for my automatic super glue effect. I had to change my focus. I looked past to the twins, who were now eying Cody with a curious stare.

I held my arms out and motioned for them to come over. Chase immediately did so, with Charlie meandering his way over, almost getting distracted by the pretty markers and paper all over the floor.

Chase and Charlie plopped down in my lap and continued to look at Cody, who was closer now.

"Chase, Charlie, this is your Uncle Cody." I smiled.

Chase and Charlie looked at me then at Cody and smiled again. Cody looked at the kids and then back at me.

"How do I tell them apart?" He asked.

I placed a hand on Chase's head, "Chase is more hyperactive. Charlie is more laid back."

"That's it?" Cody deadpanned.

"Pretty much." I nodded.

Chase then stood up and sat down on Cody's lap. Cody flinched and lifted his hands in the "I surrender" pose. I laughed as Charlie adjusted on my lap and leaned back onto my stomach. Chase looked up at Cody and began giggling at his expression (which I can't blame him for considering I laughed too.)

"He's four, Cody," I chuckled. "The worst he could do is bite you."

That didn't seem to help. He just grew slightly more tense. Chase began to frown slightly.

"Relax, Codes." I realized what I said too late. I hadn't called Cody that since we broke up.

Cody froze and suddenly began relaxing. We made eye contact as the awkwardness filled the atmosphere.

I cleared my throat, making Charlie jump a little.

"Do we wanna see if Grandpa Ike has cookies?" Of course the kids would want cookies. What kid doesn't want sugar? They both jumped up and followed me to the kitchen as I allowed my mask to repair properly.

"Matthew, I'm giving your kids a sugar high," I warned.

"That's nice," he responded, obviously not paying attention.

I reached in the cookie jar and handed the little boys a cookie each. I looked over in time to see Cody closing his eyes and sighing, subconsciously reaching under his collar and rubbing a pendant that made waves of nostalgia hit and shatter my mask.

The twins had long since run off with their sweets. I stood in the kitchen, feeling the tears swelling in my eyes. I reached in the cookie jar and pulled out five or six big cookies and quickly walked to my room.

As soon as the door shut, the tears fell. Damn it all! I just want to be with the person I love for Christmas again! Is that too much to ask?!?! Not just sitting next to them and noticing that they still wear the pendant you gave them six years ago; I want to be in his lap, with his arms around me, breathing in his scent!

I took a bit of the delicious cookie, almost having forgotten how wonderful they were when I was upset.

There was a light knock on the door, I didn't answer, but I didn't need to. Dad came walking in and a wave of empathy crossed his face. He shut the door and locked it, I forgot that lock was there. My dad then climbed on the bed next to me and pulled me into a tight hug, letting me break down in his arms.

His chin was on my head and he rubbed soothing circles on my back. He was what I needed right now. I needed my dad to rub my back, telling me that it would all work out for the best.

"Let him go," Dad whispered, kissing my head. "If he comes back, you'll know it was meant to be."

"Da- Da- Daddy...." I sobbed. "It hurts."

"I know, buddy," he soothed.

I sniffed, done crying after about fifteen minutes. I took another bite of my cookie and sighed.

"I'm going back out there and you are waiting until your eyes go back to normal." Dad rubbed my shoulder and patted my head. "Eat your cookies."

I nodded, cookie already in my mouth.

I wandered to the joint bathroom that I used to share with Kara, locking the opposite door. I looked at myself in the mirror and I was a mess. I still had tears on my face and my eyes were complemented by puffy redness. The usual deep green was nearly black as I looked at my reflection.

I took another bite of a cookie. I sighed. He'd broken my mask just by rubbing a necklace... There was no telling how much more my heart could take. I felt a familiar tickle at my throat. I always got sick when I was stressed for too long. I just never thought that Christmas was going to be stressful.

I took the last bite of my cookie. I wanted another one... but I left them on my bed...

I turned the faucet on and let water pool in my cupped hands. I splashed my face with the cold water and repeated. When I stopped and looked at myself, the red eyes had disappeared, but the absent mindedness still plagued me.

"Gods, what is wrong with you?" I reprimanded my reflection. "You know why he left, you should be grateful he came back at all!"

I put my face in my hands and groaned.

'If he comes back, you'll know it was meant to be.' My dad's voice echoed back in my mind.

This was oddly soothing. I dried my face and returned to my room after unlocking the doors. I rummaged through my shoulder pack and pulled out invitations.

I came back out and went to each adult couple and... Cody... and gave them a white envelope.

"I can't believe my baby boy is graduating with his Master's degree," Dad smiled and pulled me into a hug.

I laughed at how he was overacting almost completely unintentionally. He was always the funniest when he didn't try.

After handing the cards to everyone, Matthew and Sarah decided it was time to put their kids to sleep. Kara agreed, seeing as Emma was fast asleep on her father and Owen had fallen asleep in the most ridiculous position on his blanket on the floor. Elliot and Daniel chose to leave with their kids, and Cody, luckily, joined them.

6: Who Needs Love Anyway?

Cody POV

"Cody," Daniel yawned as we entered his house, "it's good to see you again. We've missed you."

"Same," I yawned. "Sorry. It's been an interesting couple days."

"How so?" Elliot asked.

"I flew out a couple of days ago and got here this morning," I set the suitcase down. "Jet lag is a bloody bitch."

"Cody," Elliot shook his head, "there are kids present. They aren't going to develop your language, right?"

"No promises," I sighed. "I don't have anything for them. I barely have things for you and Daniel and Matt."

"I think they'll understand. Asher will, at least. And Chase and Charlie won't remember in a year or two so it’s a gift for their youth. But aren't you tired?"

I yawned in response.

"Go to bed Cody. We'll wake you up tomorrow," Daniel rubbed my hair. "Goodnight, Cody."

"Night, Daniel."

Max POV

We didn't stay up very late, just long enough to set up the illusion for the children. Stockings were filled, the Christmas tree lit. Everything, it seemed, what going well for a bit. (Sorry, I couldn't help myself.)

I woke up to a little girl jumping on top of me and screaming, "Uncle Max!!!! Wake up!!!! Santa came last night!!!! But you knew that ‘cause you're one of Santa's elfses."

I chuckled. I had forgotten about that.

"Okay, Em, let me sit up," I smiled as she scooted back.

I reached in my suitcase and pulled on a robe, Christmas was the day of PJs and hot cocoa with crepes, or coffee and crepes.

I was earnestly tugged out of my room and found everyone waiting... well, everyone who slept here last night.

The tradition was to open presents with immediate family and then have breakfast, then a second round of presets with both families and then watch A Christmas Carol in as many different versions as we could stay sane and still watch.

We tore at our presents, well, mainly Emma did, and Owen did his best with the limited awareness of his fingers. I couldn't wait for that discovery. Even I was amused when Emma discovered her thumb could go in her mouth on command.

Dad and pops got amazing presents and my selections weren't too shabby, if I do say so myself. Kara gave me a thankful look, knowing I had either shopped for her, or babysat while she shopped. We cleaned up and let Emma and Owen be fascinated by their toys while we all tackled making crepes on as many griddles and pans as dad owned, which was an impressive few. And by us all, I mean all but pops.

Dad flipped crepes with both hands like a pro. I was stuck with a pancake turner and a griddle. Pops, on the other hand was with the kids making sure they didn't kill themselves or each other.

It only took a few minutes for our crepes to be completed and we brought the kids over for food. We ate our extremely fattening and sugar infested breakfast and finished in time to clean up and answer the door for more presents and friendly faces.

I wasn't really paying attention seeing as my mood dropped at seeing as I still wasn't quite recovered from yesterday's breakdown. I was given wonderful things, the blueprints of Pisa, Big Ben and the Tower were gorgeous.  I thought I was going to cry when I saw them. Such old architecture in such brilliant condition through the years. Untouched because they don't need to be... Well, Pisa is scary, but that was because of location, not because of poor construction and design. Gods, how wonderful would it be to create something that could last through the ages?

I handed Cody a small box with music wrapping paper. He eyed it curiously and took care as he opened it. I stared at his neck, the charm still there. He discovered the white box and opened it to find two silver, eighth note cufflinks. He looked at them with wide eyes.

I just wanted him to say something. Even a begrudging thanks would work. The silence is killing me.

"Oh my gods..." he breathed.

I blinked. He hated them. I knew I should have picked the piano coffee cups. They came with their own lids and trays!

"They're beautiful," he finished.

Oh.

He looked at me with such amazement. I knew that look. For a moment that was the same look as when I gave him the pendant he refuses to take off!! Damn it, we're not together anymore! Something that sentimental should be removed and thrown out! Why is he still wearing it? It's been five years!!!!!!

I smiled and gave a polite you're welcome, then began cleaning up to get away again. I could practically feel the lump in my throat expanding.

I had a sack of wrapping paper as I walked to the garage to throw out the holiday mess. I sniffed and rubbed away forming tears and steeled myself to go back. The family moved to the next room to begin the Christmas Carol marathon. I sat on the loveseat in the now vacant living room and put my head in my hands. This was hell. I needed to get away, but Cody doesn't need to know. It's not him, it's me. I'm the one who can't get over him, and I sure as hell will not be the one to ruin his vacation or holiday or whatever freaking term he uses...

"Max?" I knew that voice... I didn't want to answer that voice... "What's wrong?"

I felt a weight sit next to me and I shook my head, looking up and smiling I said, "Just tired."

"That's a load of rubbish and you know it. What's wrong?"

"Nothing!" I reeled, leaning away from him.

"Maximillian Lynn Frost, it's been nothing but awkward between us all break and you disappeared into your room with Isaac for nearly an hour and a half yesterday, don't you dare tell me that nothing is wrong."

I shook my head, refusing to make eye contact.

"I don't want to talk about it, okay?" I really didn't want to talk to him right now.

"No, not okay. I didn't spend three years with you and not learn anything about you. Something's wrong and I want to help."

"If my own father can't doing anything, what makes you think you can?" I bit back, a little harsher than I meant to.

"I'm not your father, I'm your friend. And believe it or not, I care about you." He put a hand on my forearm and a jerked away. "Max, please!"

I bit my bottom lip in hopes of stopping my mouth from running off without my brain and common sense.

I shook my head.

"Max, please... Let me-"

"Why?" My mouth began its rant.

Cody looked at me with curiosity and concern.

I looked at him with a blank face, "Why do you care? The world would be a whole lot easier if Cody Evans just didn't give a shit about Maximillian Frost."

Cody's eyes were wide in shock and disbelief.

"It'd sure give me fewer reasons to hold on to the tiniest sliver of hope," Cody opened his mouth to talk. "No. You gave me no cause for hope anyway. You left the country for the gods' sakes! Now, I know that England is a long ways away and five years is a long time. You'd probably think I would have moved on from a high school romance, but nope! Not this fag!"

I was out of control now. Cody's expression fell with each word.

"I was finally starting to do okay. Yeah my hopes got up every Christmas and spring break that maybe I might just see the back of his head at least! But nope, two years of nothing! I was moving on, but this Christmas just had to be different!"

"Max!" Cody was transitioning to horror now.

"Why?!" I screamed.

Cody looked at me in shocked horror.

"Why the hell would you keep it?" I was trembling and tears were cascading down my cheeks.

Cody was unconsciously rubbing the necklace.

"Why would you keep something from an ex-boyfriend who doesn't even live in the same country as you anymore? Why would you continue to wear it in front of him, not knowing that every single day he's beside you is another day he's not with you?! Gods Codes! You want to help me, but you can’t!"

Cody remained silent.

"Oh, the prodigy musician studying abroad has nothing to say to his ex? Good... The sound of your voice right now could probably set me off again. I'm sorry to drop this on you on Christmas, and I thought I could handle this... but I can't okay?"

I stood up, noticing Matthew next to the hall entrance. He had heard most, if not all of that... I pushed past him and whispered, "Cody didn't do anything... this was all me..."

I went to my room, remembering the lock this time. I began shoving clothes back into my suitcase and repacked everything and even packed the gifts I had received. Sliding the blueprints and other delicates into my shoulder pack, I was ready to go... But I would wait for tomorrow, so I was safer to drive. I laid on my bed and fell asleep quickly from the exhaustion of crying and yelling.

I woke around nine and peeked out of my door. Cody wasn't to be seen.

Daniel was the first to see me.

"Obviously you're not alright, so I'll ask, Do you feel better?"

Normally I would have said yes, but in my current state, not even I would believe me.

"No... I feel like hell."

"And you look like hell," Pops put his arms around me and kissed my forehead.

I felt a vibration in my pocket and pulled out my cell phone. It was from Brandon.

"I'm coming by in the morning on my way home, see you. I love you."

I read and reread the text.

"Oh gods," I gasped, holding my mouth.

"What is it?" Daniel asked.

"I don't think we ever told Cody about Brandon..." I looked up, horrified.

Each couple exchanged nervous glances.

"He's coming over tomorrow. What the hell am I supposed to do?" I looked around the room for suggestions, but was met with blank and nervous faces.

"Cross that bridge when you come to it," Pops squeezed my shoulder.

"More like burn it as I cross..." I muttered.

I woke up exhausted the next morning. I went through my bag and grabbed clothes, showering and getting ready right away. I walked out and smelled coffee. Dad was making coffee. You know one of two things when Dad makes coffee: he intends to keep you on a sugar and caffeine high all day so you're pleasant when you haven't had enough sleep, or he had a hangover. As dad doesn't drink anymore because he doesn't have a high tolerance for alcohol, it was to keep me awake and pleasant. Daddy, I love you.

I blame my father for the coffee habits that I have. I came out to a gorgeous frappé with probably enough sweeteners to give a normal human being a heart attack, a glob of whipped cream and chocolate and caramel drizzled on top.

The doorbell rang and Pops was on it, letting the James-Erikson clan inside.

I felt awkward sitting at the counter with my coffee, especially in front of Cody, who looked just as awkward standing there. I used a small spoon to eat the whipped cream and sweets off the top before sipping the hot liquid. Dad made a better cup of coffee than I did, which didn't say much. Isaac Frost is a god in the kitchen. I loved waking up to it.

"You should warn him before..." Dad started as the doorbell rang. The adults, other than Cody looked solemn, whereas Cody was confused.

"I'll get it," I said, shakily setting my mug down and going to the door. I was so nervous, but I relaxed as soon as I saw two hands, one with a dozen roses, the other with a small box wrapped nicely. There were other gifts over his shoulder, but I leaned into him because of the two in his hands.

"He came this year..." I whispered, and I could tell Brandon knew who I was talking about. "Come on in."

I held his wrist and walked him to the dining room, where everyone was. Cody looked shocked for a moment, but it was more of an "I recognize him," than a "who the hell is this guy?" It took me a moment, but it hit me. The Christmas cards. I sent out a collage of me and Brandon.

"Do we have a vase to put the roses in, Dad?" I asked.

"Sure do," he bent over and came up with an ombre vase and began filling it with water. I took the roses from Brandon and put them in the water and quickly ran to grab my presents for him.

I came back and Brandon and I went and sat on a couch.

"This one is from Mom and Dad, this one is from the twins, and this one is from Brit and Joe." He said, pulling boxes from a sack like Santa. "And these are from me."

I smiled at him and held out two boxes. "This is from Leroy. And this is from me. If I had known you got me two I would have gotten something else."

He kissed my forehead, "You are a gift."

I smiled softly at his cheesy line, but Brandon never said anything he didn't mean in some way.

We tore at the gifts, I had given him a small pocket watch that had a photo of his family in the cover. And if it looked expensive, it wasn't, I got a kick ass deal. Leroy gave Brandon a knitted, stuffed turtle, his favorite. It was really cute, I had to admit. Leroy gave me a stuffed Elephant. I thought I was going to die, it was so cute.

I received a book on acoustic algorithms from the twins, so helpful. Brit and Joe got me a new professional paint set, they somehow managed to get the fact that I painted out of me. Aaron and Theresa gave me a beautiful new recipe book filled with cookie and coffee recipes, they were the best. And Brandon's came in two parts. The first part was a shirt with Mickey Mouse on the front. The next part was two plane tickets and two tickets to Disneyland.

My jaw hung open.

"I snuck a peek at your work schedule, you had three days off and I got tickets for that weekend. We have a suite and everything," he smiled.

"Oh my gods!" I jumped on him, completely forgetting about anyone else in the room. I was going to Disneyland!

"I take it that you liked my present?" He laughed.

"I feel like I cheated you somehow," I couldn't get the smile off my face.

"Let me spoil you and we'll call it even," he smiled.

"If that's all it takes..." I glomped him again in another hug.

I heard someone clear their throat and embarrassed, let him go. I looked over to see it was Cody who cleared his throat and my feelings went into turmoil again. Brandon grabbed my hand and squeezed.

"Can I talk to him?" I was unsure of what to do, and looked off to the side, thinking. Do I let the ex and current boyfriends Duke it out, or do I trust they will be civilized.

Either way, I nodded and Brandon excused himself to talk to my ex-boyfriend.

 

Cody POV

We were all at the Frost house for breakfast the next morning. I had decided that I would be going home the following morning.

Home. What a funny word. Home wasn't here with those who raised me. Home was far across the ocean. I sipped at the coffee, waiting for the tension in the room to reveal why it existed.

Isaac spoke up, "You should warn him before-" The doorbell rang. Everyone else in the room shared the same expression of worry and I was really confused. Who would be coming here today?

"I'll get it," Max said, shakily setting his mug down and going to the door.

It hit me suddenly that I would probably be meeting the boyfriend. My grip tightened around the mug as Max led a boy with hazel eyes and brown hair into the dining room. He matched the Christmas card. Max was smiling, holding hands with the guy. Damn it, they looked happy.

"Do we have a vase to put the roses in, Dad?" Max asked.

"Sure do," Isaac bent over and came up with a vase and began filling it with water. Max took the roses from His boyfriend and put them in the water and quickly ran out of the room.

Max and his boyfriend ran out of the room, towards where the couch was. I heard Max's voice and the chuckle of the other guy. All of the adults in the room exchanged glances. Elliot put his hand on my back.

"Are you okay, Cody?"

"I'm fine," I smiled falsely. "What's his name?"

"Brandon Dyland," Isaac answered. "They started dating about a year ago, I think. They're good together."

"I can tell," I replied into my cup.

"Oh my gods!" Max yelled happily.

I got of my chair and walked to the door that speared the rooms. Max was currently wrapped around Brandon. I saw books and a t-shirt sitting on the coffee table. What did Brandon do to make Max so happy?

"I take it that you liked my present?" Brandon laughed.

"I feel like I cheated you somehow," Max smiled.

"Let me spoil you and we'll call it even," Brandon replied.

"If that's all it takes..." Max puller Brandon again in for another hug.

I wasn't bothered by this, but I felt like I had to let them know I was hear. I coughed a few times. Max jumped up and his face was a mess of emotions.  Brandon grabbed his hand and squeezed.

"Can I talk to him?" I asked softly.

I didn't want to sound like I was being argumentative. I didn't want to hurt either of them. All I wanted was to give Brandon my...perception of events. Max nodded his head before leaving the room. Brandon sat down on the couch and gestured for me to sit down there as well. When in Rome, right?

"We haven't actually met," I started. "My name's Cody Evans."

"Brandon Dyland," he replied. "You're Max's ex, right?"

I nodded, "I just wanted to talk to you about Max."

"Why? I think I've gotten it pretty well," Brandon smiled.

"I think you do to," I ran my hand through my hair. "I think you and Max can work really well together. I just...don't want you to think I'm against this."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," I shrugged. "Ask away."

"Why did you break up?"

"I moved to England. Max doesn't deserve to be tied down to a long distance relationship. I wanted him to be happy. And it looks like he found someone. Cherish him, Brandon. He's so amazing and polite. I don't want him hurting."

"He's always hurting, Cody," Brandon sighed. "And you're hurting too. You know your breaking apart just watching us."

"I don't care," I hissed. "Max is happy and that's what matters. I may meet someone, I may not. But he's happy and I'm not going to destroy that because I-"

"Am still in love," Brandon finished. "You know, you've said I should cherish him and I will, gods damn me if I don't. But you know what you gave up, but I really don't think you're going to give up. But I don't think you've realized how much I've had to work my way into his life before I found a small place in his chest. But Max and I won't last much longer, because his heart has a little sign on it that says, 'gone to England.'"

"Look, Brandon Dyland, I know what I'm missing and I do regret letting him go. Every damn day. But I'm not going to be staying here again. You'll probably never see me again. It will be tough dealing with Max, but you can do it. You'll be fine. You have...my blessing."

"Excuse me," Brandon said, leaving the room.

I sat back into the couch and sighed. That went about as well as I hope it would've. I pinched my nose, trying to deal with the surge of emotions threatening to overwhelm me. I wasn't done yet. I still needed to talk to Max. The floor creaked behind me. I looked over my shoulder and Jack Frost sat down next to me.

"That was quick," Jack commented.

"There wasn't much to say."

"And?" Jack pressed.

"And what?"

"He's not screaming or yelling. You're hurting. What did you say?"

"I told him to keep Max close," I shook my head. "That was it."

"Mmhmmm," Jack shook his head. "What are the odds you're leaving something out?"

I kept silent. Jack eventually stood up and left me where I was sitting. Max still needed to talk to me. But our last conversation ended up with him yelling at me for wearing my pendant. He had some valid points, though. I had no idea why I was still wearing it. It just had to be there. I felt vulnerable without it.

I got off of the couch and walked into the dining room. Brandon was laughing with Kyle and Kara. Jack and Elliot were doing the dishes while Daniel and Elliot talked about painting. Matt and his wife were talking about who knows what. Little kids ran past me, laughing with each other. Max, however, was nowhere to be seen. If I knew him, there was only one place he'd be.

I was right.

The back door was open and Max was sitting on the porch. I walked out the door, shutting it gently behind me. Max looked up from where he was sitting, smiling. The smile dropped instantly when he realized it was me. My heart dropped about as fast as his smile. Strengthening my resolve, I walked over to Max and stopped.

"We need to talk, Max."

"About what?" He asked coldly.

"This," I reached into my pocket and handed him Daniel's letter that talked about his depression and suicide attempt.

Max skimmed the letter before shoving it back at me, "What of it, Cody?"

"We may not be together anymore, but God damn it, Max, we are friends. Or we were when this happened." I sat down next to him. "I know what depression tastes like. You could've told me. I could've helped."

"How?" Max looked up at me, eyes cold and pain filled. His eyes were poison as they looked at me. "You were in England, Cody. You could've helped me as much as a stuffed animal."

"Kids use stuffed animals to fight the childlike depression," I barked back. "Don't tell me you didn't have that one very special stuffed thing when you were younger. Something you felt comfortable with."

Max paused, before glaring at me, "That doesn't change the fact that you weren't around."

"You could've contacted me! Phone calls, emails, letters, anything! I opened yours more than I opened Daniel's or Elliot's or Luke's." I put my head in my hands. "Gods, Max, I've walked that street. Daniel's walked that. Elliot has walked that. Why didn't you trust us to help?"

"I don't need your help," Max's voice was ice cold, sending shivers down my spine. "I never needed your help."

"I know," I whispered. "I needed you more than you ever needed me. But I- I'm sorry Max."

"You should be."

I stood up, feeling the weight everything press down on me. The walk to the door was the longest of my life. My hand rested on the doorknob, waiting for Max to say something. Unfortunately, he did.

"It was your fault."

My soul shattered. I stumbled through the house, ignoring the looks everyone was giving me. I paused in front of the silent room and looked at Brandon, "He needs you."

Brandon jumped up and made a beeline towards the back door. I looked at everyone else. "Happy Christmas and have a great New Year."

Daniel and Elliot stood up in an attempt to follow me. Isaac and Jack grabbed them, stopping them from following. I got into my rental, stopping only long enough to get my stuff from my teenaged house before driving off to the airport.

It wasn't until I was 10,000 feet in the air did I let myself succumb to the emotions of betrayal from the man I loved. I didn't need him. I didn't need any of them. Not anymore. They all moved on without me. It was time for me to do the same.

Who needs love anyway?

7: Disneyland Dispair

Max POV

I darted around Disneyland like an overgrown child. I applaud Brandon for being able to keep up with me the entire time.  We came back exhausted and with souvenirs for friends, relatives, and ourselves.

We sat in Brandon's living room, watching some cheesy romance movie when we turned and spoke at the same time.

"We should call it quits" mixed with "I think I need to break up with you."

We paused for a moment, "Wait, what?"

We broke down laughing during the climactic part of the movie due to the sudden realization that we had said the same thing at the same time.

I looked up at him as he sighed, "I just think I could do more for you as a friend, which seems backwards, but it's not."

"I understand," I nodded.

"I mean... I've gotta confess something. When I first met you, I had only seen glimpses of you in class and you seemed so depressed, and you know how well I handle depression," I nodded, recalling his clown like personality when I was depressed. "I had heard a few rumors that you were gay, so I jumped on an opportunity. I never expected to fall for you..."

"Oh?" I was surprised about the whole "project" dealio, but then he went and said that... And I felt kinda bad.

"I saw a glimpse of you and Cody together at Christmas, and damn it, I can't compete with him. He's got looks, he's got money, and he has an accent. Max, you're still in love with him, I could tell just by looking at you."

"But I can't help but feel like I lost my chance. I was with you and... I thought I was happy... Not that I wasn't... I mean..." I sighed, frustrated that my words were failing me. "I do still love Cody, but when I saw him... My brain shut down, like I didn't know how to cope with him being there."

I felt tears falling before I realized that I was crying.

"The brain is an amazing organ. It works 24 hours a day, for 365 days a year, from the moment you're born, to the moment you fall in love."

Isaac POV

I was at home reading a cooking magazine I got this week, so many recipes, so little time. It was about time I started lunch when I heard the doorbell. I left my magazine and went to answer it. I unlocked the door and swung it open to see Brandon. He was a sweet boy, but I really wanted Cody to be with Max, mainly because I'm Max's father and I have a right to want the best for my son.

"Hello, Isaac," Brandon didn't smile and I looked at him as if something was wrong. "Do you have Cody's phone number?"

My eyes stretched wide at the sudden question. Without a word, I nodded and let the boy in. I locked the door and led him into the kitchen.

"Have you eaten?" I asked politely.

"No, but I'll just be here long enough to knock some long distance sense into Cody, and then I'm gone."

I was so confused. What happened? I had Cody's number clamped to the fridge under a magnet. I slid the small paper out and handed it to the young man with a determined look.

He was dialing.

"Put it on speaker," I said. "I want to know what the hell is going on."

Brandon just nodded and sent the cell phone on the counter. It was ringing and I began to work on a sandwich.

"Hello?" The British voice answered, I tensed, willing myself not to speak.

"Hi, is this Cody Evans?" Bandon asked.

"Yes, and this is...?"

"Brandon Dyland."

There was a brief exchange of silence.

"What do you want?" Cody said darkly.

"Max and I broke up last night."

I stared at Brandon. What the hell?!

"Alright?" Cody sounded a little peeved, with an odd mixture of calm.

"I'm not sure what I can say to make you truly understand just how much he needs you," tears threatened to fall in Brandon's eyes. "He's afraid."

"Afraid of what, exactly?"

"Being left alone again. Doctors had him get a roommate so he wouldn't be alone. They asked family to move a little closer so he didn't feel so isolated," Brandon admitted. "I spent almost a full year by his side, and not once did he complain. Not once! I had to ask Leroy, who, by the way is working on his PhD in psychology, and is his roommate! Leroy has spent almost three years with Max. Now that Max is graduating,  he doesn't know what to do! He will have to move out of his apartment, and will be off on his own again!

"Max has been left alone from a young age, Cody. It affects him more than you may think. I understand that you have suffered losses as well in your life, but when your own mother lives you tied to a doorknob so you can't follow her home? That leaves a scar. A deep cut that may never fully heal, no matter what you do. Max finally let someone in, opened up his heart, and gave it away, only to be tied to a doorknob again. I'm not trying to make you feel bad or anything, but you are the only thing that can help him right now. I apologize for my rant, I just thought you should know."

"What is it to you?!" Cody snapped. "Get the hell out of my life. You don't know a single damned thing about my past!"

"I'm not saying I do. I'm not speaking to make you forgive Max, just understand him. I'm sorry for your time." he ended the call and I looked at him.

"You broke up?" I asked softly.

Brandon nodded and gave a weak smile, "I can't help him anymore, Isaac. He's slipping into a depression I can't pull him out of. He needs Cody."

I walked around my counter and pulled him into a hug, letting him expel his emotions.

8: Phone Call

Cody POV

The quiet sounds of office work filled the air. As much as I hated to admit it, I loved working here. Being a receptionist for Dr. Doitier was a lot simpler than I thought it would have been and he was great help with my school work. The office phone rang and I hit the Bluetooth in my ear.

"Dr. Dotier's office," I answered.

"Hello," came the soft spoken voice of a concerned mother, "I'm supposed to call to set an appointment."

"What is the family name?" I turned to the computer and pulled up the doctor's agenda.

"Malone."

I clicked around a few times, "Is there a day that works best for you, ma'am?"

"A Saturday would be nice," she replied.

"Alright, we've got an opening Saturday the 18 at eleven thirty or on the 25 at two thirty," I tapped the computer to start filling out the information for an appointment.

"I'll take the 18th."

"Alright, Ms. Malone. We'll call to remind you of your appointment that Wednesday. I hope you have a good day."

"Thank you."

I hung up the phone and went back to filling out the appointment information. It took a few minutes but I eventually had all of the information I needed. I printed it out and set it on the patient counter for one of the others to get. At about five thirty, I began packing up my station when my personal cell went off. I blinked when I saw the American area code.

I really hated when Americans tried to get a hold of me.

"Hello?"

"Hi, is this Cody Evans?"

I recognized the voice. "Yes, and this is...?"

"Brandon Dyland."

So it was him. It was sort of annoying that he was trying to get a hold of me. Where did he get my phone number?

"What do you want?" I asked darkly.

"Max and I broke up last night."

"Alright?" That came out a lot calmer than I thought.

But that's okay. I really didn't give a damn. I was moving on. Jeremy had set me up on a date with one of his friends. I was moving on.

"I'm not sure what I can say to make you truly understand just how much he needs you," Brandon choked on his emotions. "He's afraid."

"Afraid of what, exactly?" I asked.

"Being left alone again. Doctors had him get a roommate so he wouldn't be alone. They asked family to move a little closer so he didn't feel so isolated," Brandon admitted. "I spent almost a full year by his side, and not once did he complain. Not once! I had to ask Leroy, who, by the way is working on his PhD in psychology, and is his roommate! Leroy has spent almost three years with Max. Now that Max is graduating, he doesn't know what to do! He will have to move out of his apartment, and will be off on his own again!

Leroy who now?

"Max has been left alone from a young age, Cody. It affects him more than you may think. I understand that you have suffered losses as well in your life, but when your own mother leaves you tied to a doorknob so you can't follow her home? That leaves a scar. A deep cut that may never fully heal, no matter what you do. Max finally let someone in, opened up his heart, and gave it away, only to be tied to a doorknob again. I'm not trying to make you feel bad or anything, but you are the only thing that can help him right now. I apologize for my rant, I just thought you should know."

I bit my lip. I knew about Max's mother. But what the hell was this damn moron doing comparing me to his mother. I had my own set of demons to shatter and I'm quite certain Max had more too. Besides, Max had his parents. I didn't have anyone. Not anymore.

"What is it to you?!" I growled. "Get the hell out of my life. You don't know a single damned thing about my past!"

"I'm not saying I do. I'm not speaking to make you forgive Max, just understand him. I'm sorry for your time."

The line clicked off and I slid my phone down and pushed it into my pocket. I pinched my nose and felt a headache slowly building underneath everything. Dr. Doitier walked out of his office and raised an eyebrow at me.

"You doing okay, Mr. Evans?" He asked.

"I'll be fine eventually, sir." I answered. "Trouble at home."

"Are you going to need time off?"

"No, sir," I smiled. "Home is about 5000 miles west. I just need to go get a nice coffee."

"If you say so," Dr Dotier shook his head. "Thanks for your help. We'll see you Thursday, correct?"

"Yes sir. I'll see you then."

I slid my bag around my shoulder and walked out of the office. Jeremy, Emily, and Andrew decided that we needed to have a get together to celebrate the new year, despite being a few weeks into it. There was this little pub near the campus center that we constantly met at for dinner. I walked in a short time later. Jeremy and Emily were laughing at the table while Andrew made his way to the table, drink in hand.

"Code!" Andrew cheered as I sat at the table.

"Shut it, Hakmon," I smiled. "What's our plan tonight?"

"I ordered crisps and stuffed skins," Emily replied happily. "And onion rings."

"My idea," Jeremy smirked.

"Because none of us eat onion rings," I grabbed the menu. "Soda or whiskey tonight?"

"Whiskey," Andrew said, raising his glass.

"Soda," Jeremy and Emily said over him. "It's a Tuesday night. Tonight is not a get drunk night."

"Amen," I muttered. "I'm feeling a shake, though. And chips."

"Code," Emily giggled, "your American is showing."

"So sue me for wanting a good burger," I rolled my eyes.

Jeremy raised an eyebrow. "It is January. You know what that means."

I groaned. "I'm paying, I get it."

"So you can get whatever you want," Andrew said, "and I can get my whiskey."

"Just be glad I like you people."

The gang laughed and we ordered food and desserts from the waitress. Andrew and Emily both started going on about their day and their break. Despite my best attempts, I couldn't focus on them. The short phone call from Brandon was messing with me too much for me to deal with it. It wasn't until Emily shook my shoulder did I notice my burger in front of me and most of the chips gone.

"What's going on?" She asked me.

"I got a call from my ex's boyfriend," I sighed. "Apparently they broke up and Max isn't taking it very well."

"What do you mean?" Andrew asked, putting his drink down.

"It's not important, guys." I grabbed one of the chips and stared at it. "There's not much I can do from here."

"But you want to be there," Jeremy said slowly.

"Except I don't," I shrugged. "I like it here. This is where my life is."

Emily smiled and then stole my milkshake. "Gods, Cody. What in the blazes possessed you to order this? It's awful."

I took it back and sipped. Andrew and Jeremy laughed as I reacted the same way Emily did. This shake was made from horse piss.

We spent the rest of the time at the pub laughing together and ignoring the looks of others in the pub. Emily excused herself at about eight to go home and start her homework. Andrew left a short while later and it just left Jeremy and I waiting for the bill.

"You're not handling this as well as you think you are," Jeremy commented.

"Shut up, Jeremy."

"Just hear me out, mate," he pushed the leftover food out of the way. "This bloke who called you did it so you would know. He probably said something about your past or that you’re still in love with Max."

I rubbed my forehead. "And how did you come to that conclusion?"

"You always get like this when someone talks about growing up or when someone talks about Max."

"You're the only one who knows about Max here," I sighed.

"See? That's how I know you get all mopey when Max shows up."

The waitress slipped me the bill and I slid my card into the spot without looking at the price. I tapped the table, watching Jeremy watch me. The waitress dropped of the bill and I signed, adding the tip and yawning.

"You're not going to understand that I don't want to go back, are you?"

"Your home is always going to call to you, Code."

"My home isn't in America," I said firmly. I grabbed my bag and slid it around my shoulder. "My home is a few streets away with class work that I haven't done yet. You live there too, right?"

"You're a grumpy old man," Jeremy rolled his eyes and followed me out of the pub and towards our flat.

"I'm a cynical adult," I replied outside the door. "It comes with the territory."

"Of being a psychologist?" He asked, opening the door.

"Of being raped."

 

"I hate dates," I muttered, looking in the mirror as I tried to match ties with shirts.

"Only because you haven't had one for five and a half years," Jeremy replied from his position from upside down on the couch. "You're overdue."

"By choice," I yelled back. "It's not like you do any better."

"Between taking care of you and Jaden, I don't have time for a love life."

"That's so funny I forgot to laugh," I growled. I slid my shirt on and tied my tie. "What's your mate's name again?"

"Trevor Smith," Jeremy yelled back. "He's a good bloke at heart, if a little loud."

"You're a little loud but I still live with you," I walked into the living room. "How do I look?"

"You have to live with me," Jeremy looked at me, sitting up straight. "And you look fine. Now go on your date. Shoo!"

I made a face at Jeremy before grabbing my wallet and keys. He waved at me as the door shut. A five minute walk in the late January air had me standing outside the same pub I was at a few weeks ago with my friends. Trevor was supposed to be wearing a white rose on his lapel. I fidgeted with the white one on mine. So we were supposed to meet and wear the same thing. It was supposedly cute.

"Cody Evans?"

I looked up at the tenor's voice and saw a tall and thin man with dark reddish brown hair walk over to me. Our eyes met and I was distracted for just a second by his deep hazel eyes. I cleared my throat.

"Hi, you must be Trevor," I smiled. "Shall we go in?"

"Sure," Trevor blushed as I held the door open for him.

A few hours later, we left the pub and parted ways. I'm not saying he wasn't a great guy, but there wasn't a good chemistry with us. We just didn't mesh together as well as we could have. I didn't want to say it to his face, but I thought a date with Andrew could've gone better.

I spilled my wine, he spilled the entrée. It was just sort of a mess. At the end of the night we agreed that blind dates aren't the best of ideas at any time. I walked back to the flat and saw Jeremy sitting up watching You've Been Framed. I shook my head.

"You could've gone out tonight too," I said, making Jeremy jump. "But no, you're sitting here watching the British version of AFV."

He just shrugged, "I needed a night off."

"You do this every night whether or not I'm out," I collapsed on the couch next to him. "And the date didn't really go over too well."

"That's a shame," Jeremy sighed. "You two needed dates."

"But we're just a bit too...different," I yawned. "I've got a morning class tomorrow. See you in the morning."

"Night Cody."

9: To Hear His Voice

Max POV

I laid in my bedroom. It was dark in there. I held the slender cell phone in my hand and dialed a few numbers. They were so foreign, but so comfortably familiar it was heart breaking. I held it to my face letting the ringing soothe my nerves, only to have a long knife thrust into my gut and twisted when I heard a tired.

"It is four in the bloody morning, you better have a reason for waking me so early!"

I didn't say anything, I just let the tears roll down my face. I hadn't taken my medicine today. I didn't want to feel better, I wanted to hurt.

"Max! Have you seen my phone?!" Leroy called from outside my door. He let the light into my room and saw me curled up in the covers, sobbing and clutching his phone. He walked over slowly and sat on the bed, gently prying the phone out of my hands.

"Who is this?" Leroy asked into the phone. "I see... I apologize, but I don't think he's taken his anti-depressants today. He might have just wanted something familiar. He just broke up with his boyfriend."

There was a soft muttering from the other side of the line.

"My name is Leroy. Yes I am his roommate...  Oh, right, you live in England! So sorry, he got my phone somehow. I haven't even seen him leave his room all day. I'm so sorry, please get some rest. I can handle Max."

He hung up the phone and I was still sobbing. My covers were over my head and I held myself in a tight ball.

"Why do you keep torturing yourself, Mack?" Leroy easily lifted me into his lap and rocked me back and forth as I cried.

Cody POV

"It is four in the bloody morning," I growled into my phone, "you better have a reason for waking me so early!"

The line was silent. I lifted my phone away from my ear to make sure that there was still someone on the line. Whatever American was calling was still there. The arsehole didn't think too much about time zones, apparently. I heard the faintest sound of someone crying when a faint voice came through.

"Max! Have you seen my phone?!"

Oh, this was going to be good.

"Who is this?" A new voice cut in.

"Cody Evans."

"I see... I apologize, but I don't think he's taken his anti-depressants today. He might have just wanted something familiar. He just broke up with his boyfriend."

"I know. Brandon called me a few weeks ago to let me know. Who is calling?" I asked, falling into my pillow.

"My name is Leroy."

"The psych flatmate?"

"Yes I am his roommate..."

I yawned.

"Oh, right, you live in England! So sorry, he got my phone somehow. I haven't even seen him leave his room all day. I'm so sorry, please get some rest. I can handle Max."

"I thought I could too," I muttered before shutting my phone down.

"Finals are over!" Emily screamed in my ear as we piled into the taxi. "It's time for a vacation! Especially after that stupid idiot bastard broke my heart."

"Calm down," Andrew sighed. "We all know that he's a-"

"No good, low life son of a bitch that has no chance in finding happiness, even in the darkest pits of the Underworld?" I suggested.

Jeremy smirked. "He'd find love in the Underworld. But then he'd be someone else's bitch."

"Yep," Emily popped the 'p' at the end of the word. "Cody, thanks for suggesting this trip. I've always wanted to go to Dublin."

"Me too." Jeremy added.

"Three," Andrew nodded. "Come on, then. We got to get to the airport."

Forty minutes later, we arrived and were waiting for our turn to get on the plane. Jeremy had his headphones in and Andrew was nose deep in a book. Emily was resting her head on my shoulder as I flipped through a musician review magazine. Emily looked down at my magazine.

"Are you in this one?" She asked.

"Mrs. Sarah said I'm mentioned," I replied. "It kind of freaks me out when I find out I'm mentioned."

"That's 'cause you're not famous," Emily said, settling into my shoulder. "Not really."

"If that's why you think," I flipped the pages again.

"Hey Code?"

"Hey Em."

"What are you gonna do when we graduate?" She asked.

I sighed, "Stay with Dr. Dotier until I find a place to go and start my own practice."

"Why are you staying here? I mean, I want to move to New York. They're always looking for lawyers in America."

"And you'll do great, Emily," I smiled and rested on her head. "When you finish Law, that is. But I don't want to go back to America. I like it here. I can write music, practice psych, live without-"

"Anyone from where you grew up."

"No one from where I grew up knows exactly what I am," I sighed. "And I'm okay with that."

"What about your mom and dad?"

"Don't worry, Em," I shut the magazine and stretched. "I'm a big boy and I can handle myself."

One week later, we were sitting in an Irish pub. We all had mutually agreed after the first night that getting drunk here on vacation was a bad idea. I was proud of that decision, but it didn't mean we didn't have a few drinks along the way. Em suggested we talk about after college plans. Everyone agreed, much to my chagrin. As it turned out, Andrew was content to stay near Oxford and keep studying for a doctorate of history. I thought he was insane, but he loved his history. Em still had a bit of law school to go and she always made sure we knew. It was Jeremy that really surprised me.

"I think I'm going to move to America," he announced on his turn. "Jaden said he could have a job for me if I wanted one."

"What job does Jaden have?" Andrew asked.

"He's a publisher, I think," Jeremy paused. "Or he works for one. Mythic Publishing or something like that."

I nearly spat my drink across the table. "Are you sure that's it name?"

"Pretty sure, why?"

"That's Jack Frost's business," I sighed. "Max's dad."

"Who's Max again?" Andrew asked. "Ow."

Jeremy smirked, "I'm sorry, was that your leg?"

"You know it was," Andrew muttered.

"But why America?" I asked. "Why are you going to work for someone else? I think you could start a good little business here."

Jeremy just shrugged, "I don't know. What're you gonna do, Cody?"

"Stay here and work with Dr. Dotier," I shrugged. "I think."

"What about your family?" Andrew asked, "Your mom and OW."

Jeremy blinked a few times, "Strange, huh?"

"Code, what's up," Em asked when I shook my head.

"I grew up in the foster system with my sister," I sighed. "I'm pretty sure the woman who gave birth to me is dead. So is my sister."

The table fell silent, "Sorry to buzzkill, but that's why I like it over here. Nothing holds me back."

"All that aside," Andrew said slowly, "you're hesitating about staying here, then why won't you go home."

"Home is here with you guys," I spun my drink around. "Not back in California."

"Not even with Daniel and Elliot there?" Jeremy asked.

I opened my mouth to speak only to find nothing coming out. Em put her hand on my shoulder and I shrugged it off. My thoughts were a mess. Jeremy shot me an apologetic glance as I excused myself from the table. Before I got too far, Andrew grabbed my arm.

"Look, Cody. There's obviously only one option. You want to stay here but they minute any of us mention California, you get second thoughts about staying here." He paused. "Home is where you go in your quietest hours, when you think no one is watching and you just want to find a way to relax. And from what I know about you, home is not here."

"Andrew," I pushed his arm off of me. "I don't belong in America. Not anymore."

"Don't belong in America my ass," Jeremy said, pulling a paper free from my bag.

The first term of my last year at Uni had started. I had to stop myself from freaking out too much. But Jeremy had something he wasn't supposed to have.

"Give it back," I dove for it.

"No!"

Jeremy looked down at the paper and shook his head. "It's a study abroad form for next term. You've filled it out for a school in California."

"So what?"

"So you're giving in," Jeremy gave me a look. "Andrew was right. You can't get away from your family."

"Jeremy," I held my hand out. He set the paper there. I then tore it into pieces and through then on the ground. "I haven't decided to do it yet."

"But..."

But he was right.

I didn't tell Jeremy I was leaving for America yet. He was busy finishing one of his term papers and I would see him more than I'd see the others. But that was what tonight was for. Em, Andrew, and I were sitting in our pub, laughing at the end of one of Em's stories. She looked at me.

"You're going home, aren't you?" She asked over chips.

I coughed over my coke. "How'd you?"

"I figured Andrew was right originally," Em smiled. "I'm glad you're going home, Code. That's where you're meant to be."

Andrew nodded, "When do you leave?"

"Friday. I catch the tail end of term there so I can go right into the classes," I smiled. "You were right. I love it here, but I miss them."

"Who's them?" Andrew asked.

"My old foster parents and foster brother," I explained. "I saw then when I went home last Christmas, but I didn't really see them."

"Code," Em broke into a smile and through her arms around my neck, "I'm going to miss you. Keep in touch, okay? You're like my only gay best friend."

I hugged her tightly. "Of course I will. You and Andrew and Jeremy are my only friends."

Andrew cut through the hug and we did one of the many man hugs. "We expect you to visit of course."

"Totally." I smiled. "This isn't my first home, but it's a close second. Thanks for helping me with all my shit."

"You were there for ours," Andrew grinned. "So we'll call it even."