Sparkatale

Hello. Before writing this review I would like to apologize if I say something you already know, or seem judging. Most of it is understandable, but would still be said differently by a native speaker. (I will be a bit picky at some parts.) I would be happy to leave comments on the story itself as well. Let me know if you have any questions.

Description

First, the description is harder to understand than the rest of the story, and I'm not sure what it says. Make sure to have the subject (who/what is doing something) and object (who/what the subject is doing it to/for/with,etc.) in every sentence. In many other languages word order isn't that important, but in English you'll have to be careful. Also, be clear in whether a word is a verb, noun, adjective, etc. to make it clearer, and write all verbs in the past or present tense (he did/he does).

Chapter 1: Concepts (Origin of the Title)

[Zjjan Master: Zjjan(za’(h)an) derived from the word sun.] I would put sun in quotes (...from the word "sun.").

[Meaning life shine brightly to them, and it’s the name of their world. The Master is species ruling their world.] -> It's the name of their world, because life shines brightly on them like the sun. The Masters are the species ruling them.  | When possible try not to say something twice, like "their world."

Chapter 1: Concepts (Concepts)

[Why everything does exist? Superiors are really deserved to live? Or it’s only natural, devouring other creatures for food or fighting each other in order to live?] -> Why does anything exist? Do those who abuse their power really deserve to live, or is devouring other creatures for food or fighting each other in order to live natural? | Going back to word order, questions almost always start with an auxiliary verb (one that can't be used by itself but changes the meaning of another verb) in this case does, do, and is. Abusing your power means you're too powerful, in case you didn't know.

[If two flesh-eaters with emotion left alive what will happen in times of starvation? Can knowledge give satisfying answer to this many question? What if senses intervene and contradict to the assumed conclusion?] -> "were left alive", "what would happen", "a satisfying answer to this question?" "intervened and contradicted it? | "it" being the answer. 

[Does justice do suffice to maintain the current flow of life? Or it’s going to be another hindrance giving its unfair and discriminatory law.] -> take out the word "do", "Or is it", "...law?"

[Who is really deserve to rule and to determines the equality of authority on each living things to live?] -> "Who really deserves to have control over the lives of others? | Nouns that go after "each" are always singular, so if you keep this it would be "each living thing." 

[This, and those other many questions that are not written inside this concept, maybe or should be, and I hope that it can be express inside to this story.] -> "may be", "be expressed"

Overall, I think that if you had waited maybe an hour then read what you had wrote, you would have found a lot of these mistakes. You do have great spelling and vocabulary though, and I like the way you organized this page to share your ideas and make us want to read more. 

I hope you have found this comment to be useful. Again, let me know if you have questions or if I can help you more. With my schedule right now I hope to comment on one or two chapters every day from now on.

First is redundant, second is over extended, and my biggest problem is to identify tenses, or maybe there still another.

I'll try to clarify chapter one this night or later.

Forgive me for not posting some of the chapter that I reviewed, I'm still looking for someone to read and grade every paragraph I written; a friend of mine I supposed if they will.

Actually, I want to know about the humor if they can be the main highlight inside to this story before adding some scene. After then I'll emphasize, elaborate and will review any error to every text I written.

Humor is the most critical that will shape some of my biggest character here. I'll really wanted them to be express well.

I hope you can point me where it is less or not important and where it is need the most.

Actual is the most easiest way for me to realizes fault and lack; I can't find any another ways.

But of course thanks for making me realize some fault.

I hope you can enjoy some chapter of it.

Hi, I apologize for not doing much lately. I'm having a hard time understanding. I'd be happy to analyze the humor, but did you still want me to look for typos? Also, what kind of humor are you talking about?

I'm fine whenever you want, I don't want to be a pushy here since I'm just a beginner; I also tried to proofread my work -- and man I thought I fallen to a heatstroke, my head so hot.

In addition I tried to meditated in order to site the plot where they live and where the event held. Also I try to draws their geographical area and man the back of my head is going to burn... and also I found out Kilie office name is "Pawn Star Shoppe" It should be related to debt collector work -- and I got laughed and feel like an Idiot.

Arranging the work before going on is I found quite difficult in this literacy huh?

Can you site what chapter and scene you've having a hard time, also where you feel like laughing, and where lots word of error.

I also want to edit it myself. You already help me too much, I don't know how to payoff I quite ashamed to myself also. Thank you very much, I'm sincerely apologize for my clumsiness...

My habit is let the body do the move... :(