Chad Beaufort wiped his forehead with his towel, which he held over his back like a tarpaulin. He kept in one corner as he changed. He didn’t need to, per se. For an eighteen-year-old, he was fairly muscular and lacked much excess body fat, plus he had the benefit of being one of the tallest students on the team. However, he didn’t want to face his teammates, and he certainly didn’t want to have to see them changing.

He gasped and felt tempted to nurse his back when a hand smacked it. He grit his teeth. He could already tell who owned that hand.

‘Hey, my man. You wanna go and get some Mickey D’s?’ 

He was right.

He turned his head. Tyrone Cooper. A short, scrawny black kid with a big mouth and an urge to insult every person he came across.

‘Or are you too busy chugging salads in fear of getting fat?’ He looked up and down Chad’s body despite most of it being covered by a towel.  ‘Good decision,’ he said. Case in point.

Tyrone reached up and wrapped his arm around Chad’s neck, pulling the poor sonofabitch to his level. ‘But surely you won’t sacrifice a friend for that, right? Come on, have some fun.’

Ah, yes. ‘Friend’. Chad and Tyrone? Totally friends. Chad definitely enjoyed spending time with him and certainly never wanted to punch his teeth out.

‘I’m busy,’ Chad murmured.

Tyrone let go of him and crossed his arms. ‘Fine. Enjoy your fucking salad.’ He left with a huff. Chad sighed in relief.

He finished changing and headed out the door. He looked at his watch and sped up his walking. She was probably gone by now.

His heartbeat became as intense and full of hype as an overture when he saw Becky White pass him in the halls. At least she hadn’t left yet. Her dark chocolate hair was pulled back tight into a high ponytail, making her soft facial features all the more visible. The icy blueness of her eyes made her stand out. Her slim arms, covered by a merino wool sweater, were somehow carrying several books without her face showing any signs of struggle from their weight. Her mouth was closed so her braces didn’t show, but somehow those braces were charming to Chad. Or maybe he just liked seeing her smile. 

For a moment she did, but then she hid her face behind her books. Chad’s face started to heat up but then he looked behind him and saw a girl he sort of knew.

Stacy Wells was a tall girl with a fake tan and a large chest, wearing short shorts, just long enough to avoid being chastised by teachers, and a tight top. When she saw Becky, she pushed a strand of her wavy bottle-blonde hair behind her ear and gave her a little grin. She stared at her with warm brown eyes.

Covertly following her was a short boy with greasy and messy short black hair, which had bangs long enough to almost cover his eyes, a shirt with some anime girl on it and a pair of glasses Chad expected a grandfather to wear. Noah D’Arc. He had his hands in his pockets and was looking away from Stacy but inched closer to her. Chad caught him taking a whiff of Stacy’s fruity perfume. 

Stacy held her hand up to wave at her. Becky noticed Noah’s presence and scowled at him. He scowled back. She whipped her head away from him, causing Chad to savour the sight of her ponytail bouncing, and continued walking. 

Stacy frowned and dropped her fingers, her hand still hanging in the air. Noah looked down at the floor and shuffled away.

The next day, Chad found himself staring at Noah in class, trying to come up with a possible reason why Becky glared at him. His thoughts quickly got distracted from this puzzle when Becky’s face entered his mind. Chad grinned as he wondered what she’d wear on a date. Would she still wear her usual simple attire or would she dress up? He had a feeling she’d look cute in a sundress with her hair down. Then again, ponytails were kind of hot-

He was thrown out of his mind by another slap on the back. Like a bull he breathed out through his nose and turned his head. Tyrone. Of course.

‘Hey, you know Emilia Graff? I heard she just got pregnant. I can’t imagine it, personally. I mean, is it physically possible for her to get fatter?’

Chad considered replying, ‘Shut up. No one cares.’ However, Becky’s face once again popped up in his head. He instead asked, ‘Hey, do Becky White and Noah D’Arc know each other?’

Tyrone scratched his chin and looked up. ‘Hm…. Well, I do remember them being friends in middle school. Don’t know what happened after that. Why?’

Chad shrugged. When lunchtime rolled by, he watched Noah head to the computer lab with his lunchbox and decided to follow him.

When he entered the lab, he leaned against the doorframe. ‘Hey, uh, Noah, right?’ he asked when Noah sat down by a computer. Noah didn’t look up. His shoulders rose, his hands curled into fists and his eyebrows met in the centre of his face. 

Chad put a smile on his face and his hands in his pockets. This was how it was done, right? ‘So, I was wondering if you could tell me about Becky.’ Noah remained silent but started moving, turning on the computer and focusing on the screen. Chad rubbed the back of his neck. ‘I’d kind of like to know what kind of guy she likes.’

Chad’s eyes widened when Noah rolled his eyes. He heard him murmur, ‘Typical.’ Chad covered his mouth to suppress his laughter, releasing a tiny bit of spit into his hand. He wiped that hand against his jeans and held it out for a handshake. Noah looked at the hand like it was covered in maggots or, well, spit. Chad kept his hand out but curled it nervously.

‘Well, how about…’ Chad said, unsure what to do next. ‘You like Stacy, right? Let’s help each other out.’ Noah whispered something. Chad leaned down and put his hand against the back of his ear. ‘What was that?’ Noah tucked his lips into his mouth. Chad sighed. ‘I thought you’d be, I dunno, happy to get some help. Wait, I didn’t mean that in a… Sorry.’

Noah whispered again, but this time Chad heard it, though just barely. ‘No fucking point.’

‘Why?’

Noah tensed up even more. ‘I’m blughpild’

‘Huh?’

‘Blaghpeeled.’

‘What? I still can’t hear you.’

Noah took a deep breath. ‘Blackpilled.’

‘The fuck does that mean?’ Chad blurted out, though he didn’t apologise. 

Noah crossed his arms and turned his head in the direction opposite to Chad. ‘I realized the truth a few months ago.’

‘The truth? Is this ‘blackpilled’ thing a cult or something?’

Noah stood up and grabbed the collar of Chad’s polo shirt, pulling him closer. ‘You think someone like me would end up in a cult? I’m not dumb enough to believe in some sky wizard.’ After saying this, he immediately let go and sat down, sweat dripping down his face. The two were silent for a few moments.

Chad asked with a curious grin, ‘So what is it, then?’

A sigh from Noah. ‘Well, you would agree with me if I told you the world’s unfair, right?’ Chad shrugged but then nodded. ‘It’s especially unfair for people like me. No girls want to talk to me, no girls even want to go near me.’ 

Noah paused, considering how much information he planned on giving. ‘I’ve been deprived of love my entire life. Women just want Chads who treat them like shit, leaving behind all the ugly guys who’d treat them with respect.’ 

His face scrunched up with just enough force to stop his eyes from spilling tears. ‘When I gave up on trying to get a woman, I became blackpilled. Your world and mine are night and day. You get the bright blue day world full of love and admiration and I get the pitch-black night world full of, well, nothing.’

Chad asked, ‘Hey, wait, what did you say about me? Women want guys with my name? Why?’ Noah looked at him like a dog being told an unrecognisable command. ‘My name’s Chad.’

Noah scanned Chad’s body. ‘How fitting,’ he said as he tried to rip his eyes away from the lightly-tanned muscles that bulged out from underneath his crimson T-shirt and the tousled blonde hair that accentuated his strong jaw-

‘How?’

Noah coughed and turned away again. ‘You look like a Chad.’

It was Chad’s turn to cross his arms. ‘The hell does that mean?’

Noah’s throat closed up. His arms stiffened and his eyes darted everywhere. Chad exhaled and left the room, but not before seeing a tab on Noah’s computer entitled ‘Incels.me’. He just missed Noah groaning when the website was blocked by the school, taking out his phone and seeing only a tiny bit of internet data left.

Chad didn’t talk to Noah for a couple of weeks, but he did occasionally stare at him in the hopes of catching him considering the option.

Noah did consider it. In his mind was a constantly repeating video of him gathering the courage to talk to Stacy and her giving a cute little giggle before grabbing his hand. However, he remembered something someone on Incels.me said. 

Stacies don’t know what true oppression is. They’re able to use their body to get what they want. If I tried to do that, I’d be arrested for sexual harassment.

This comment kept battling with the fantasy of Stacy going out with him. Chad’s idea was useless. No, it wasn’t. It would never work. But Chad could give him some expertise. No girl wanted an ugly guy. But maybe this Stacy was different!

He finally made his decision as the lunch bell rang, though part of him screamed for him to reconsider. Instead of heading to the computer lab, the library or the cool-aired spot behind the gym, he walked up to Chad.

It took him a while to start talking as Chad put his pens in his pencil case. ‘If you give me some dating tips, I’ll tell you about Becky.’ 

After a moment of pressure at the thought of giving dating tips, Chad beamed at him and did something he didn’t expect to do. He gave him a little slap on the back. 

‘I knew you’d come around,’ he said.

What he didn’t know was that Noah had written about him on Incels.me.

2: 2nd Post: [Venting] Was invited to a Chad’s house, I want to die

Becky wore a scarf one day and five minutes was all it took for Chad to start mourning the sight of her neck. There was no training that day, so after school he headed to the library, knowing she would go there. He was right, and to his delight she took off her scarf. As she browsed the selection, he pretended to do the same thing.

A sizeable chunk of his soul yelled, ‘Creep!’ at the rest of it, but he ignored that voice and slowly encroached upon her until he stood next to her.

‘So…’ he began in a voice deep enough to show vocal fry, which was his attempt to sound casual. ‘What have you been up to?’

Becky gave him a wary stare but answered. ‘Not much. Just reading and gaming.’

‘Oh yeah? What games do you play?’

‘Well, I’ve been playing Final Fantasy 13 again. Lightning’s cute.’ As soon as she said the last sentence, she covered her mouth and coughed into it. ‘So, uh, what book are you looking for?’

‘Oh, well…’ Chad laughed nervously. ‘I kind of just wanted to see you.’ Becky rose an eyebrow. ‘Not in a creepy way! Um, I just…’

‘I’m pretty sure you saying it’s not creepy makes it worse. I’ve got to be honest- I thought you would be better at this than that. I thought you’d have had more practice.’

Chad laughed again. ‘I, uh, um.... guess it means you’re one of the lucky few who I’ve had an interest in.’

‘Whom you’ve had an interest in.’ She lifted her shoulders and covered her mouth again. She took a few deep breaths and let go of her mouth. ‘I’m sorry, but I like someone else.’

Those words pushed Chad’s heart down to the depths of his body. He froze as he felt cold shivers run down his arms and legs. It took him a while to be able to open his mouth.

‘Cool. I’ll… see you later, then.’ He forced a smile onto his face as we waved goodbye and headed out of the library. He took out his phone and went onto his contact list. He reminded himself to get a photo of Noah to add to his contact information. He then reminded himself that it would probably be hard to convince Noah to take a photo of himself. Something along the lines of selfies being ‘a way for attractive normies to show their narcissism and ugly chicks to make themselves forget how ugly they are.’ Noah had then muttered something about ugly girls still getting boyfriends while ugly guys get nothing. Chad had considered asking him for evidence of that, but he decided not to press the issue and instead let Noah’s anger subside. 

Yes, Noah and Chad had had a couple of chats, though they hadn’t made any conclusive plans. The conversation about selfies had come about when they saw a student taking a photo with her food.

Outside the library, Chad leaned against the wall and sent Noah a message.

Let’s head to my place soon to figure out what we’re going to do. Are you free Saturday?

He typed his address and a possible time for Noah to come over. Noah took a while to reply.

Whatever. It’s not like I’ve got anything else to do. Won’t you be busy?

Chad raised an eyebrow before typing.

Why?

Noah’s response caused Chad to be torn between laughing and sinking into self-loathing.

Won’t you be sleeping with some chick?

Chad grit his teeth but didn’t bother replying, somehow knowing that this would result in the conversation spiralling into utter madness.

Saturday arrived and so did Noah, knocking on the door to Chad’s house. This time he wore a shirt featuring a muscular CGI man with a scar across the bridge of his nose wielding two swords. Chad considered asking who it was but he thought he sort of recognised it from a game he hadn’t played. 

He led him to his room and asked if he wanted a snack, to which Noah responded, ‘Nes. I mean no! I ended up combining… never mind.’ The two stood in silence until Noah dropped his backpack to the floor and sat down on Chad’s bed. ‘So, uh, why’d you decide to call a meeting?’ 

Chad sat on the bed next to him before swivelling his body and lying down behind Noah. ‘Well, there’s a slight change of plans. Becky rejected me. Said she liked someone else.’

Noah stood up, looking at the carpet. ‘Okay. See ya whenever.’

Chad grabbed Noah’s arm. ‘Wait, we’ll just have to find a way to get her to notice me instead of the other guy. What kind of guy does she like? Is she more of a personality or looks kind of girl?’

Noah released a single tiny laugh that could easily be mistaken for a cough. ‘Personality? Girls don’t go for that.’

‘You think so?’

Noah nodded. ‘If she’s not interested in your looks, she’s never gonna be interested in you. But… wait… how… how exactly did a Chad like you not attract her? Maybe she’s playing hard to get.’

‘The ‘Chad’ thing again? I still don’t get how I look like a Chad.’

As he sat on the bed again and began explaining, Noah ensured that his head was turned as far away from Chad as possible.

‘A Chad, you know, those guys who are really mus… athletic and… have a strong jawline and… hunter eyes.’

Chad looked at him with the eyes of a puppy being given an unfamiliar toy. ‘What are hunter eyes?’

‘You know… hunter eyes… like, you’re able to swoop in and get any girl you want. Alpha male eyes. You understand what I’m saying?’

 Chad touched below his eyes. When Noah dared to look at him his body tensed up and he instinctively took a phone and pair of headphones out of his bag.

‘Wow, rude, man,’ Chad said with a laugh.

Noah snapped out of a trance. ‘S-sorry. I… I don’t know how else I can calm… I’m not a crazy person or anything.’

Chad chuckled. ‘It’s okay, I guess. You do whatever it is you’re doing while I come up with a plan.’

He closed his eyes and stroked his chin in the hopes of getting an idea into his head. Find a way to make the guy she liked look bad? No, it could make him look bad in the process, possibly worse than the other guy. Maybe he could, instead of dragging the other guy down, he could prop himself up and woo her with a big display of love like a serenade or something like that. No, wait, was this the 80s? What if he impersonated the guy and confessed to her again? 

With this last idea he started laughing so hard he sat up so he could hold his sides better. Noah seemed unperturbed.

Chad leaned over Noah’s shoulder and saw what appeared to be one of those ‘animes’ he heard about online. He found himself chuckling as a girl with a horse for a head, or at least a horse mask, hit a creepily smiling girl with a chair and sent her flying out the window. 

As he pointed at the screen he asked, ‘What anime is this?’ Since Noah didn’t respond, he grabbed his shoulder, sending a wave of shock throughout Noah’s body. Noah immediately flinched and turned his head. He paused for a moment before taking off his headphones. ‘I thought anime was about, I don’t know, ninjas or something. What’s with the horse lady?’

Noah couldn’t push down his smirk. ‘Well, if you must know, this ‘horse lady’ you speak of is wearing the mask to, well, mask her tsundere tendencies. I’ve seen this show before so I know that when she starts to warm up to the other characters and show her dere-dere side, she takes the mask off. It’s a really moving use of character design to convey personality to an audience and it just goes to show how clever character designers use the visual medium of anime to say so much about-’

‘Ha, that girl grabbed another girl’s boob.’ Noah glared at him. ‘Wait, how many chicks are there in this thing?’

‘Well, it’s set in an all-girls school, so…’

Chad gave him a finger gun gesture and clicked his fingers. ‘Lesbians. Nice.’ He almost laughed when Noah’s glare strengthened.

‘Their relationship would be innocent and beautiful. Nothing ‘nice’ about it. Us mere men would be lucky to get to witness such a pure fate come true.’

‘Is it pure to grab another girl’s boob?’

Noah shifted his weight from side to side and looked back at his phone without a word. The two watched the show in silence, part of Chad wishing he could actually hear things since the subtitles were really small on the screen and he couldn’t experience the voice acting, music or sound effects. Then again, he had an inkling that Noah’s protective grip on his headphones would be like a baby’s.

He considered asking him to take the headphones out and let the audio fill the room until a scene cropped up in which one of the characters moaned while being undressed by a faceless being. Granted, in context it was all in that character’s imagination, but Chad’s parents were home.

After the episode ended with the longest ending credits Chad had ever seen, he grinned. ‘Are there any other animes like that?’

‘Anime. It’s the same whether it’s plural or singular.’

‘Oh. Okay…’

When Chad’s voice drifted off, Noah’s eyes widened and he crossed his arms with his phone still in one hand.

‘Sorry for talking so much about this kind of thing.’

How did Chad respond? By ruffling Noah’s already messy hair, of course! Yes, he managed to shock himself with his own actions.

‘Don’t worry too much about it, man. Keep going if you want. I’m probably not going to come up with any ideas, so I may as well make some use out of today.’

‘I can leave if you want-’

‘I said it’s fine. Come on, tell me about these lesbians.’ Chad laughed with his mouth closed. ‘Honestly, the words that come out of my mouth sometimes.’

Noah uncrossed his arms. ‘Well, uh, they’re not technically a lesbian couple or anything. They’re just friends. I just ship them.’

Chad stroked his chin like before. ‘Do girls grab their friends’ boobs? Or is that just a Japanese thing? Fascinating.’

Noah’s eyes narrowed. ‘Shut up.’

‘So what do you mean by ‘ship’?’

Noah talked about anime for a solid two hours, with Chad only interrupting to ask questions. After that, Chad’s mother knocked on the door and suggested that he start doing homework.

Noah left the house with a little smile, though by the time he had reached his computer, that smile on his face was replaced with a furnace within his blood vessels.

He posted to Incels.me.

Anicel1919- [Venting] Was invited to a Chad’s house. I want to die.

He was so smug, acting like he’s actually interested in learning about anime. As if. He’ll forget about me once he gets back to banging femoids. I don’t think I can take being around a solid 9/10. Honestly, if it weren’t for that pimple on his nose, he’d be a 10. And I bet he’s going to end up saying, ‘Don’t worry, bruh, just lift like me and you’ll get all the pussy you want,’ or, ‘just change your personality and everything will be fine!’ It’s too soon to tell, but he strikes me as totally bluepilled. What do I do if he keeps asking me to hang out with him?

3: 3rd Post: [Experiment] (POLL) Who is the enemy?

Tyrone was at it again. He was going on and on about the other team in their upcoming game being a bunch of pussies, despite knowing that most of the other team’s members were twice his size.

Chad ignored him, preferring to smile at Noah, who ignored him. The squeak of sneakers against the unpolished wooden floor filled the sweaty room. 

‘What’s the point of bragging when they’re not even here?’ Chad finally asked Tyrone while picking up a dodgeball. He frowned when he saw Noah just standing there but gave him a thumbs up when he instinctively caught a ball. Noah glared at him before pushing his fringe over his eyes and hiding behind it.

Tyrone’s glare was even more vicious. ‘What, you scared? Think the other team can hear us all the way from their shitstain of a school?’ He hurled a ball at Becky, who fumbled but ended up catching the ball. She smirked at him before frowning as if she’s made a huge mistake.

She was right, in a way. ‘You said dodgeball was the moron’s sport!’ Tyrone yelled. ‘You a hypocrite or something?’

Becky looked at the ground. ‘Middle school doesn’t count,’ she murmured. She then raised her voice. ‘We all said stupid things then. You once bragged about sleeping with a teacher and there was a needless investigation all because of you.’ 

The teacher blew her whistle. ‘Tyrone, go to the side of the court. Becky, focus on the game.’

Instead of following orders, Tyrone stormed up to Becky. Chad’s blood became magma just waiting for him to erupt. 

‘So now you‘re talking again? Decided not to be a frigid bitch? It’s been a while.  Were you afraid that if you talked in homeroom that Shakespeare’s jizz’ll come out of your mouth?’

Before the teacher could chastise him for using foul language, Chad shoved him to the ground. He leaned down and grabbed him by the collar. Tyrone flailed his arms about in the hopes of landing a punch but each punch had the strength of a baby mouse-deer. Chad’s punches, on the other hand, carried the strength of an African elephant whose family was poached. Soon Tyrone’s face was covered with blood. Chad gave him one last shove into the ground before standing up and looking at Becky with a hopeful smile. Becky scrunched her nose at him before crossing her arms and looking away. 

Noah, on the other hand, stared at him with wide eyes and a mouth that constantly shifted from a grin to a frown and vice-versa.

Chad was sent to the Principal’s office where he was given three weeks in detention rather than a suspension or expulsion like one would expect.

‘I know how you boys are,’ the Principal said. ‘Just don’t do it again.’

Chad returned to class just as the bell for lunchtime buzzed around the gym. He waved at Becky as she brushed past him, refusing to look at him.

He grabbed her arm but Becky tore her arm away from him.

‘What do you want?’

Chad smiled at her. ‘So, uh, what did you think?’

Becky closed her eyes and sighed. ‘I have no interest in your penis-measuring contest with Tyrone. And besides, you know he’s a lot weaker than you. You may as well have beaten up a baby. Not exactly impressive.’

Chad’s blood went from magma to ice, rendering the act of movement intensely difficult. All he could do was shiver as Becky continued to glare at him.

‘Are we done here?’ Becky asked. Chad paused before nodding. 

Noah left the gym last, waiting for everyone else to go before him. When he saw Chad he did the same smile-frown-smile thing he was doing before.

‘You okay?’ Chad asked him.

Noah, caught off guard, stepped back into the doorway. ‘Uh, yeah. I’ve never seen a real white knight before.’

Chad flexed his arm. ‘Finally someone appreciates what I did.’

Noah looked down at different spots on the ground, not focusing on a single spot for very long.

‘I don’t know if I appreciate it, per se,’ he whispered. 

He didn’t talk to Chad for the remainder of the day.

At home he decided to make two posts to Incels.me, one a blog post about the day.

Anicel1919- [Soy] A Chad resorts to being a White Knight

You’d think a Chad wouldn’t need to do this since he can get any femoid he wants, but I guess we live in a weird sexual economy where even a Chad has to prove himself to a femoid to get her approval. I swear to God, feminists ruin everything.

So there’s this Tyrone (or at least, he’s named Tyrone. Doesn’t look like one.) who’s picking on this Becky that Chad likes, so he beats him up. 

I’m honestly kind of conflicted. It was kind of nice to see him be all brave but at the same time I remember I used to be a white knight until I learned it was pointless for me. Femoids only care about chivalry when someone who isn’t a sub-8 is doing it. 

Or at least that’s what I thought. I overheard Chad talking to the girl afterwards and she wasn’t impressed. What an ungrateful bitch! I bet she thinks she has to play hard to get or some bullshit like that.

He then posted a poll.

Anicel1919- [Experiment] (POLL) Who is the enemy?

Femoids

Feminists

Parents

Bullies

r/inceltears (more like Cucktears, am I right?)

Chads

A few days later, there were fairly even splits between each answer, though, to Noah’s surprise, the Chads option was a little smaller in popularity.

‘Huh…’ he whispered while tapping his fingers against the desk in his room.

At school, Noah stood next to Stacy’s locker. He reminded himself of when Chad took the initiative to defend Becky and that, while it didn’t work on someone like Becky, it could work on Stacy. 

His heart stopped for a moment and then quickly went into overdrive when he saw Stacy saunter towards her locker. His smile faltered when he realised that she was going past her locker.

He followed her, making sure he was a few steps behind so as not to look suspicious. 

She strutted to the library, which Becky was just then entering. Noah hid behind a corner just outside the library.

‘Um, uh, can I… talk to you?’ Stacy asked, her confident walk collapsing into a pigeon-toed, slightly bent-over stand.

Becky walked backwards out of the library and smiled softly. ‘Sure.’ Stacy stood there in silence, fidgeting with the hem of her short sundress. ‘Sure,’ Becky repeated a little louder, sending a shock through Stacy’s spine.

‘Oh, yeah. So, um, You’re really… prart… uh, I meant to say pretty but then I ended up trying to say smart and they just kind of… mushed together.’ Becky frowned and raised an eyebrow. ‘I’m sorry! So, this is going to sound really weird and I get it if you end up being grossed out by me, but… I kind of… like you.’

By this point Stacy was covering her face. Becky moved her eyes from side to side.

‘Oh. I… I find you to be pretty as well. Maybe not ‘smart’ since I don’t know your grades, but you also seem kind enough. I should probably focus on my studies, though. I’m not grossed out by you. I like you too, in fact.’

Stacy nodded, her lips contorted into a smile that didn’t belong. ‘That’s fair. Um, if end up being less busy for whatever reason, let me know.’

With a nod of her own, Becky went back into the library. Noah’s nails tried to dig into the wall by the corner but this only hurt him. His mouth was wide open and so were his eyes.

He took out his phone and messaged Chad.

The school library’s kind of shit, so let’s go to this library near my place today. We should look for books about seduction.

Chad agreed and headed there after detention was over. This particular library, a wide one-story building that stood in front of a lake, made him forget to breathe for a moment. Everything, from the floor to the desks to the bookcases, was covered with spray paint, the vagueness of each tag implying that this was an intentional decision on the part of the library owners. Chad was careful with his steps until he realised that the broken mirror shards on the floor were stuck to it and wouldn’t hurt him. The lights flickered but were still bright enough to read a book under. The bookshelves themselves were shaped like high school lockers with each ‘locker’ opened. The library smelled of paint and old paper.

Noah snickered at Chad’s dropped jaw. ‘Cool, huh? The selection’s even cooler. I’d spend the rest of my life here if I could.’

Much to Chad’s surprise, Noah practically skipped to the dated computer in the corner of the room. To even more of Chad’s surprise, the computer worked like new and had modern features despite looking like it belonged in the early 90s. Noah typed the words ‘seduce women’ into the library search engine, causing Chad to wince and look from side to side. He relaxed his shoulders when he saw that the coast was clear.

Noah headed to one of the bookshelves and searched for the book. He then headed to another section and pulled out what looked like an anime, but as a book. Chad held back laughter when he saw the title of this book-anime. ‘Is it Wrong to Seduce Girls During the Zombie Apocalypse?’

‘Is that an anime?’ Chad couldn’t help but ask as they sat at two oak desks that the library owners had pushed next to each other.

Noah scrunched his nose up for a second but let it go and smiled when he noticed the twinkle of genuine curiosity in Chad’s eyes.

‘It’s a manga, actually. Like anime, but in comic book form.’ Chad nodded in understanding. ‘You can learn a lot about Japanese culture from reading these. I also have a feeling if I try a bunch of stuff from these, one of the techniques is bound to work.’

‘Is... that how it works?’ Chad asked as nicely as he could.

Noah glared at him. ‘Shut up.’ He abruptly opened the manga and pushed the other book towards Chad. ‘Get a Date in Five Easy Steps,’ it read. Chad held up the book and marveled at how thick it was.

Instead of reading the book, he stared at Noah, who was flipping through pages as fast as a competitive speed reader. His thick eyebrows went all the way down to his eyes and his lips went red from him biting them.

‘So, uh, what made you decide to come here?’ Chad asked him, looking away and trying to play off the ever so slight speed increase in his heartbeat as nothing.

Noah slammed the manga shut, his tears welling up. ‘Well, I… I saw Stacy… I saw her… I saw her…’

‘Are you about to-’

‘No I’m not! You think I’m a faggot or something like that?’ Chad felt tempted to look left to right again as an old memory threatened to punch its way back into his consciousness. ‘Anyway, Stacy… confessed to Becky.’

‘Wait, what? So Stacy’s a…’

‘I guess so. Well, unless she gets asked out by some Chad, I’m guessing.’ Noah lowered his voice to a spat out whisper. ‘Fucking femoids.’

‘Fem-what?’

‘Femoids. You know, women. They don’t even deserve that name. They’re all sluts. If you want to be shorter, you can call them foids.’

‘Is this to do with that black… pell thing?’

‘Blackpilled. Yeah. I’m an incel.’ Noah groaned at Chad’s question marked face. ‘Involuntary celibate. I don’t want to be celibate, but I can’t help it when no woman even talks to me.’

‘Have you tried talking to them?’

‘Don’t give me that shit. You know if I tried that a girl would just call me ugly or creepy and run away screaming. I’d rather not end up in a jail cell for a crime I didn’t commit.’

‘So why are we here?’

Noah was silent for a moment. ‘Well, to be honest, you managed to fool me for a second.’ He stood up, put the books away and headed out of the library. Chad chased after him. 

‘We can still hang out, right?’

‘Why would someone like you want to be friends with someone like me?’

Chad shrugged. ‘I guess you’re kind of interesting. I want to ask you more questions about this blackpill thing.’

Noah paused, then nodded with a frown. ‘I’ll… see you at school, then.’ He turned around and waved goodbye with his back to Chad. He then put his headphones on and slowly inhaled and exhaled.

At the school library, Becky kept reading the same sentence multiple times as Stacy’s words resonated in her mind. She eventually realised that she was playing with her ponytail and gave up on reading the textbook.

‘Shit,’ she whispered.

4: 4th Post: Incels are the real oppressed group

Going to the local library became a regular occurrence for Chad and Noah.  They went there every afternoon after Chad’s detention, deciding not to give up on their romantic conquest just yet. Every time they would start off reading books and discussing plans for winning their respective girl’s heart but they inevitably veered off course and began chatting about whatever they felt like. 

Noah told Chad more about manga and recommended some. The list of recommendations was initially intimidating in its length, but Chad couldn’t help but stare with a warm heart when Noah talked about something he loved.

It didn’t take Noah long to notice that Chad wasn’t fully listening, so he came up with a new course of action. He collected a pile of manga from the library and read the blurbs aloud to him. The ones Chad looked interested in were put in one pile and the others were put in a different pile. He pushed the interesting manga towards Chad and suggested he pick one to read for the day. The one Chad picked first was entitled, ‘My Girlfriend is a Giant Robot But She’s Also My Therapist’.

Noah beamed at him. ‘I’ve read the light novel for that.’

‘The what now?’

‘You know, light novels. They’re short novels that usually come in series.’ As he went on and on about this particular light novel with a manga adaptation, Chad paid more attention to the boy’s glowing face than what he was actually saying. That last light of concentration was extinguished when he saw a girl walk past him with a smile on her face.

She had frizzy strawberry blonde hair and wore rectangular glasses that perfectly balanced the roundness of her face. In her thin but muscular arms, visible via a singlet top despite the weather, were three thick books she carried easily. Her lips had seductive curves to them, aided by ample use of apricot lipstick and matching lip liner.

After heading to one of the shelves/lockers, she turned her gaze to Noah, who also smiled at her, and dropped her own smile. However, she didn’t frown. In fact, her expression was neutral and free from judgement. Noah did not see it this way.

He looked at the manga in his hands and used those hands to hide the cover. He hung his head and scowled at the lines in the oak desk.

Chad turned his head and saw Noah’s tense shoulders. He leaned towards him and whispered, ‘Go for it.’

Noah’s head jumped up. He looked at him like he’d just suggested he commit genocide. ‘Me? Why me? She’s going to choose you.’

‘I wouldn’t be so sure of that. And if it doesn’t work out, you got some practice before trying to get Stacy.’ Chad felt a twinge of guilt saying this, not knowing if Stacy could possibly like a guy, though that guilt certainly wasn’t enough to stop him from trying to encourage his new friend. ‘Put these books to good use.’

With a sigh, Noah stood up and plodded towards the girl. He stood behind her for a moment, mentally preparing what to say to her. He continued standing there for enough time to make Chad make a shooing gesture.

After a few more seconds the girl noticed someone was behind her and turned around. ‘Hi, do you want to talk to me or something?’ she asked after she gave way to him and he stood still instead of looking at the books. Her voice sounded like someone had converted honey into audio.

Noah’s shoulders leapt up and he began to sweat. Even though she was smiling at him, he thought he could sense the stone-cold judgement in her eyes. She hated him. She was disgusted by him and wanted nothing to do with him. He was but a piece of snot that had stuck to her wrist when she sneezed into it.

He turned around and marched back to the desk. Chad gave him the eyes of someone seeing a kitten in the rain. Noah shoved his books and manga away from him before picking up his headphones from the desk and putting them on, taking a few deep breaths.

Inside Chad’s heart was a bit of pain. That bit was the size of a poppy seed and thus relatively easy to ignore, but it was there. What was bigger was the sudden need to make Noah smile again, though Chad didn’t know how.

He decided to use a weakness of his as a strength. His quick plan relied on the strawberry blonde girl’s reaction being the exact same one as every other girl Chad talked to. If not, well, at least he had someone to distract him from Becky.

He stood up and swaggered, or rather attempted to swagger, towards the girl. When she saw him she bit her lip and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

‘Hey,’ she cooed. ‘I’m Luce. You?’

The plan must have been working as Chad felt sweat drop down his back. ‘I’m, uh, Chad.’

‘Hi, Chad. So what do you like to read?’

‘Me? I’m, uh, not much of a reader.’ Luce raised an eyebrow. ‘I don’t mean I hate it or anything, uh, you see, I’m here with a friend and, well, uh…. Why don’t you teach me what books are good?’ She scrunched her nose. ‘Wow, that sounded a little pervy. Haha. I didn’t mean it that way. I’m sure you’ve spent a lot of time with your nose in a book, right? Oh, not in an insulting way, just, you know, you seem really smart with all those, uh, books.’ Luce swapped eyebrows and took a step backwards.

‘Uh, yeah… It was nice meeting you. Maybe I’ll see you here again.’

As she walked away, Chad said, ‘Yeah, totally. I’ll see you some time in the future.’

His shoulders drooped as he headed back to the desk. Noah hesitated before patting him on the shoulder and smiling.

‘There, there. So how exactly are you a Chad? Did your parents have the wrong kid when they named you?’

‘Hardy har har. Yeah, I suck. So don’t feel too bad.’

Noah crossed his arms. ‘Did you just pretend to be awkward just to make me feel better?’

With a shake of his head, Chad said, ‘I couldn’t be smooth to girls if I tried. That was a case in point.’

‘Sure, sure.’

Knowing nothing would change Noah’s mind, Chad instead decided to change the subject, picking up a manga from the desk with the title, ‘Love ☆ Lace’. It had two men who appeared to be very close to each other, one holding a measuring tape that tied the other’s wrists together. His heart beat a little faster. Just a little bit.

‘So there’s gay manga?’ he asked.

‘Yeah. I haven’t read that one since I don’t read that stuff, but I do know it’s for girls. I just grabbed whatever manga I could find here.’

‘Girls? Seriously? But they’re both guys!’

Noah laughed at Chad’s confused face, ‘I don’t claim to understand the average fujoshi.’ When Chad looked even more confused, Noah explained what little he knew about gay manga for women.

After he was done he said, ‘Anyway, tell me what you think about ‘My Girlfriend is a Giant Robot But She’s Also My Therapist’. It’s one of the best manga of the past few years.’ He spoke quickly and made large gestures as he detailed what made the manga so great, and, once again, Chad partially listened while staring at the boy’s ever-growing grin.

Another day, Chad started hanging out with Noah at school. During lunch they would talk about a range of topics from what movies they liked to what conspiracies seemed the most likely to be true. They both liked and felt nostalgic over the movie ‘Beauty and the Beast’, though Noah thought it was a bit unrealistic.

‘As if a femoid would choose the Beast over Gaston. I mean, look at his muscles! And that Chad jaw. How could any girl resist? At least the French movie understood that.’

Chad rubbed his jaw. When he saw Noah’s smile, he realised why he said that. He didn’t thank him for the reassurance but returned the same facial expression.

As for conspiracy theories, they disagreed over whether feminists had plotted to ruin ugly guys’ dating practices, with Chad not convinced that feminists were that powerful. However, they both had their scepticisms about the official JFK assassination story.

Whenever they talked about a new subject, the ratio between things they had in common and places where they differed was pretty even. Despite the disagreements, Noah’s passion during their conversations was enough for Chad to wake up each morning with his pearly whites showing.

During their discussions, people would regularly pass Chad and wave or high five him, interrupting Noah to talk to Chad for a little bit. When the frequency of this became too much for Noah, he put his headphones and listened to music while waiting to talk to Chad again, often posting to Incels.me on his phone about how ugly men were the social class facing the most discrimination.

Over the next two or so weeks, Noah did this less and less, even joining in on the conversations between Chad and other students on occasion. At one point he stopped bringing his headphones into the classroom altogether. He considered grabbing them again when Chad told him how proud he was of him for talking with others, but upon seeing Chad’s gentle expressions, he decided against it. He couldn’t help but wonder how hunter eyes could at times look like the eyes of a duckling.

5: 5th Post: Rate my looks

Noah’s hand wobbled as he held his phone up. The same words repeated in his head.

‘I’m not taking a selfie because I’m a narcissist. This is important research.’

He took a photo and glowered at it. He took another photo. Then another. Eventually he had taken ten photos and hated all of them. He took one last photo and sighed. It would have to do.

He uploaded the photo to Incels.me while holding his breath. His nerves were set aflame and he felt like pacing through his house. He expected low ratings on his looks from the other incels but he knew he needed to see those bad ratings, anything to take him out of the fairyland he’d let himself fall in thanks to Chad. He lied down on his bed and stared at the ceiling, wondering if he would ever get any sleep. Half an hour later, his drooping eyes gave him his answer.

When he arrived at school the next day, his jitteriness was not lost in Chad. ‘You okay?’ Chad asked as they sat down to eat at lunchtime.

‘I’m fine!’ Noah snapped at him.

‘Jeez, who woke up on the wrong side of the-’

‘I have no patience for clichés right now, Chad Thundercock.’

Chad’s cheeks cherried up. ‘What did you call me?’ The speed of his heartbeats would impress a bullet train.

Noah’s face turned into the colour opposite to the pill mentality he followed. He looked around the cafeteria and thanked the laws of nature that everyone was too busy talking to each other to overhear what he said.

‘I didn’t mean… it was an accident. I’ve heard people call popular guys Chad Thundercock, so it just kind of slipped out. It’s just a meme.’

A high-pitched and overly loud laugh came from Chad’s throat, his mind repeatedly telling his cheeks to turn down the heat and said cheeks refusing to listen. His eyebrows raised and pushed themselves together, creating wrinkles on his forehead.

On the other side of the cafeteria, Becky walked up to Stacy’s table, which was full of equally blonde and tan girls. She gestured to the one empty seat at the table.

‘May I sit?’

‘Um, I guess?’ one of the girls responded. ‘Why, though?’

‘I would like to get to know Stacy more.’

The girls at the table went, ‘Oooh!’ Stacy’s face went hot enough and her eyes grew big enough to make the sun jealous. Becky noticed this.

‘I see,’ she said. ‘I shall keep my reasoning between Stacy and me.’ As Becky sat down, Stacy looked away.

Another girl said in a nasal voice, ‘I’ve got to admit, it’s unusual for someone like you to want to be friends with someone like Stacy.’

Becky smiled. ‘Yes, friends. Well, Stacy approached me first.’

Never mind the sun, at this point Wolf-Rayet stars were probably envious of the heat coming from Stacy’s cheeks. The other girls leaned towards her. Becky crossed her arms as if expecting an answer.

‘Well, um, well, uh, I saw a photo of a fangtooth fish on her exercise book in science class,’ Stacy explained.

After a moment of silence came laughter. ‘That’s the reason?’ the nasally voiced girl asked. ‘What the hell is a fangtooth fish? Sounds gross. As if someone like you would like something gross like that! And wait, since when do you take science classes, Stacy? You do realise that’s not compulsory for seniors, right?’

‘Uh, well, it’s a…’ Each word Stacy said went quieter until nothing but her breaths could be heard. Becky gave her a warm smile and the other girls a cold glare.

‘The fangtooth fish is a deep-sea fish,’ she explained. ‘I thought it would be fitting for me to put a deep-sea fish on the cover of a book that encourages me to dive deep into how the world works. It’s a symbol of curiosity and I am glad Stacy noticed it. It may look gross but I still find it more encouraging to look at than a group of pretty girls who belittle their friend’s interests.’

The girls stared at Becky in stunned silence. Breaking the silence, the nasal girl asked, ‘Do you think you’re smarter than us or something?’

Now it was Becky’s turn to stare in silence. After a while she bowed her head and apologised. ‘I shouldn’t let intellectual snobbery take over me. I hope you know that your appearance is unrelated to my view of your intelligence. After all, Stacy is visually appealing and I don’t find her to be particularly unintelligent. I should go.’

As Becky stood up with her tray, so did Stacy, who apologised to the other girls and followed Becky to another table. 

‘I’ve accomplished my mission,’ Becky said with a smile that grew bigger when Stacy raised an eyebrow. ‘I’ve learnt more about you. And in such a short time! You like deep-sea creatures and your friends are a little bitchy.’

‘They’re not bitchy! I swear they’re nice.’

Becky chuckled. ‘Then why did your voice get quieter at the word ‘nice’?’

‘And besides, it’s not deep-sea creatures I like, per se,’ Stacy revealed as she repeatedly stabbed her mash potato with her fork. ‘It’s sea creatures in general.’

‘I’ve got to admit, I’ve never heard of someone getting a crush on someone because of a fangtooth fish. Do their strong jaw muscles make your heart race?’ Becky winked and decided to test Stacy with the next question. ‘Or is it their ability to see in the dark?’

‘They have terrible eyesight, actually. You of all people should know.’

Becky leaned in closer, once again bringing heat to Stacy’s cheeks. ‘Marry me.’

Stacy pushed her head away. ‘Shut up! There are loads of people around. And besides, what made you want to get to know me? I thought you wanted to focus on school.’

It took Becky a while to answer, and during that break she stole a forkful of mashed potato from Stacy’s plate, earning a little whine from her. She laughed before swallowing the mash.

‘I’ve been thinking about it and I realised I’m fine. I’m doing fairly well in school so there’s no need for me to hold off on interpersonal relationships. If you haven’t changed your mind, I’d be happy to go out with you.’

Stacy covered her mouth but the creasing in her eyes told Becky that she was smiling. The blonde girl nodded and the brunette held out her hand.

‘Can I put my number in your phone?’ 

After swapping numbers, the two ate and talked about sea creatures until they had no food left. At that point they chatted about school until the bell rang.

Instead of paying attention in class, Noah scratched his itch by looking at his phone, which finally had more gigs of data. He went on Incels.me and felt his heart drop.

Ropeornope- You look disgusting. You’ve got no chin and your eyebrows are giant bushes. I’d say a 1/10. Find a sub-3 girl and you’ll have a chance. Maybe.

Ricecel- I’d say you’re a 3/10, but your tiny wrists threaten to put that number into the negative. Like, dude, you sure you’re a guy? My dick’s thicker than both of those things combined.

Lookcel404- 2/10. No femoid’s going to go after a deformed chinless dude like you. And why has no one pointed out your eyes? You look like a fucking femoid with them, so your only hope is to go for a pseudo-lesbian or some shit like that.

There were several more but the teacher asked Noah a question so he didn’t look at the rest. When school ended, Chad asked Noah if he could hang out at his place. 

When Noah asked why, Chad responded, ‘I’m curious. I want to see what it looks like.’

‘Am I some kind of zoo animal?’ Noah asked with a sneer, but he ended up leading Chad to his place in his old beat-up car, with Chad driving behind him in his shiny new car.

The wide one-story house stood in the middle of two palm trees whose dark leaves made the creamy walls stand out. The pebbled walkway to the house was lined with punch bowl godetias and California poppies. Between the letterbox and the stone-bordered pond was a grey limestone statue, about the height of the letterbox, of a cat sitting on a pillar. That statue made Chad forget about his initial disappointment upon seeing such a quaint, normal house.

When Noah opened the door, he was greeted by the loud meow of a silver cat with carbon-grey stripes. Chad was about to take in the features of the house’s interior but this kitty was much too distracting.

She rubbed herself against Chad’s legs. Noah chuckled. ‘Even cats like Chads, apparently,’ he said as he picked her up. He grabbed her paw and shook it up and down. ‘This is Mittens. Mom chose the name, so don’t call me a normie.’ Chad lightly tapped the cat’s head. Noah frowned and grabbed Chad’s hand, stroking the soft-furred cat with it. ‘Do it properly. Mittens deserves the best.’  The sudden grin on Noah’s face spread warmth throughout Chad’s heart. 

Noah’s bedroom was a mix of expected and unexpected things. There were anime posters on the walls and figurines in a display cabinet, of course, but there were also model planes in that same cabinet. The bed was covered with a knitted quilt decorated with kittens. Near the door was a large wooden desk with a gaming laptop on it. Next to the laptop was a mirror.

The mirror faced the other way, so Chad turned it and saw a little crack in the corner. Noah stormed up to him, shoved his hand away and put it back.

‘I’ll die if I look into that damn thing again. I’d break it, but it’d make me look even uglier.’

Chad chuckled with a raised eyebrow. ‘What? Who told you you’re ugly?’

Noah sat on the bed, wrapping his fingers around his slender wrists. ‘Haven’t you got eyes? Look at these skinny things! They’re probably smaller than the average dick. I shouldn’t have bothered teaming up with you. I’m ugly as sin, practically deformed.’ He ran his hand up his neck and rested it against his chin. ‘My chin’s weak. Maybe if it was a few inches longer, I’d be able to get any girl interested, but no. I’m stuck with this chin and this overgrown nose and these pimples that make me look like I’ve got the plague. I’m surprised no foid has fainted in horror when looking at me yet.’ When he saw Chad stare at him, he covered his face.

Chad walked up to him and leaned down towards him, grabbing his wrists and dragging them down. Noah flailed but wasn’t strong enough. Chad let go of one of his wrists and took off his glasses, getting a closer look at him. He pushed his bangs away.

‘What are you talking about? You’re…’

There weren’t many pimples on Noah’s face, at least no more than Chad did most of the time. His nose wasn’t overgrown at all despite what he claimed, just slightly Romanesque. He was right about his chin not being huge but he seemed to miss the fact that it made his face look soft and welcoming. 

As Noah bit his medium-sized lips in embarrassment, Chad basked in their sultriness. To him they were the absolute perfect size.

Noah’s thick eyebrows prevented his large round eyes from overwhelming his face, though those eyes were what Chad focused on the most. They were a brilliant shade of peridot and framed by long lashes.

Chad gulped, his eyes making him look like a fish on land. ‘… hot…’

Noah mustered enough strength to push his arms off him and take his glasses back. ‘Thanks, way to make me feel great about wearing glasses. You’re a real charmer, you.’

As he put them back on, he saw that Chad was continuing to gawk at him. ‘Still… hot…’ Chad whispered. ‘Then again, glasses are my…’ He coughed the final word away, straightened his back and walked back to the mirror, picking it up and showing it to him. Once again Noah covered his face and, just as before, Chad pulled his hands away. ‘See? You’re fine. What kind of girl would run away from this?’

Instead of looking at his reflection, he looked up at Chad. As their eyes met they just stared at each other in wide-eyed silence.

Tears built up in Chad’s eyes. He blinked them away and dropped the mirror onto Noah’s lap. He picked up his bag and rushed out of the room.

Even after escaping the house, Chad could feel his heartbeat throughout his entire body. Shivers kept swimming down his skin and his hands became drenched in sweat.

‘Fuck,’ he hissed. ‘Not again.’

6: 6th Post: [Experiment] (POLL) What do you think of gay men?

At school, Noah saw Chad and immediately looked away. Chad did the same.

As he sat in class, Chad absentmindedly doodled a heart. When he noticed this, a jolt of fear ran through his spine and he scribbled over the drawing. When lunch arrived, Tyrone’s chatter became a blur in Chad’s ears as peridot eyes consumed his thoughts. Despite this, he refused to look at Noah.

On his way to his car after school, he saw a girl with thick-framed glasses who giggled and waved at him. He stared at her with lust in his eyes, but that quickly ended when the memory of Noah putting his glasses back on projected onto his mind.

At home, Chad curled his arm with a dumbbell, a manga in his other hand. When the image of Noah staring at him as he stared back popped up in his head, he dropped the dumbbell and swore as one end fell onto his foot.

The memory was replaced with another, but not of Noah. An image of Chad’s old middle school building flashed in his mind.

The sun woke Chad from his slumber. Well, that and the pencil regularly poking his cheek. He looked up and swore. Almost everyone had left the classroom. Everyone except for the teacher, who was packing her things, and the boy with the pencil in his hand.

Chad gazed at the boy’s face, which was bathed in the sunlight. The boy had a big grin that showed his missing tooth. He wore a pair of round glasses whose size made his face almost disappear. He wasn’t quite bald but had a thin bed of hair on his head. His nose bent a little to the side but he had never complained about it. He smelled strongly of supermarket cologne and his breath, as he laughed his loud, hearty laugh, was minty. When he pinched Chad’s cheek, Chad noticed how warm and sweaty his hands were. This boy was Gerry LeGume. He had been made fun of for his name but took it in stride.

‘What were you dreaming about, Sudan?’

Ah, yes. The nicknames he gave people. Usually, they were based on some sort of pun or similar word to their name. He even called himself either Gus or Matt depending on how highly he thought of himself that day (Gus for his arrogant moods, Matt for his ‘humbler’ moods). He derived these names from a film with his name as the title, a film he hadn’t even seen and yet already decided was genius.

Chad looked away. ‘You don’t dream if you only sleep for a little bit.’ He was kind of lying. He had been dreaming, though that dream swirled around his brain long before he fell asleep.

Gerry’s eyes were wide as if he was staring at a doorway to another world. ‘Is that true?’

Chad shrugged before yawning and stretching his arms. He made sure to continue looking away from Gerry, who reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope.

‘A girl gave me this to give to you,’ he explained. ‘Honestly, I wouldn’t bother reading it. I mean, she’s a coward if she doesn’t give it directly to you. And why write a letter when she could have just asked for your number?’

Chad grabbed the envelope and stared at it, rubbing his thumb against the heart sticker sealing it. He looked back up at Gerry, who was holding his glasses as he stared at him.

‘So watcha gonna do?’

Chad rested his chin on his hand and waved the envelope around with his other hand. ‘I mean, even if she did ask me for my number, I would’ve said no. I’m not looking to go out with anyone.’ Also a lie.

Gerry scoffed a laugh and turned around until he was facing the whiteboard. ‘Gay,’ he said sarcastically, though that sarcasm was lost on Chad, whose eyes travelled everywhere as if looking for an escape.

Gerry stood up and wrapped his arm around Chad’s neck, rubbing the knuckles of his free hand against Chad’s head.

‘You look like a cat that just discovered he got his own tongue,’ he said. Would it be important to mention he had high scores in English, and that he bragged about this constantly?

His body heat quickly transferred to Chad, who felt warm shivers run through his body. The cologne was overwhelming and the laughter-dispensed minty breath tickled Chad’s ear. Chad held his own arms to prevent them from doing something dangerous.

When the proximity became too much to handle, he pushed Gerry away and stood up, picking up his books and running out of the classroom. He raced home, rushed to his room and shut the door closed with all his strength. He stood against the door and slipped down onto the ground.

‘It’s nothing,’ he told himself. ‘I’ve had crushes on girls, so it’s nothing.’ He remembered Gerry’s cologne and changed that sentiment to, ‘I’m nothing.’ He held his knees up to his chin and let sour tears leave his eyes.

He kept crying for a few minutes but then decided to turn on the TV and distract himself. He took a pillow from his bed and put it on the floor, scooting close to the TV. The channel he ended up on when he turned it on was in the middle of a show. In it, a teenage boy was confessing to… another boy? What was this?

The other boy on the show smiled. ‘I thought you liked girls.’

The confessor laughed and rubbed the back of his neck. ‘I do, but I like you more.’

More tears fell down Chad’s face, but this time, when they reached his mouth, they tasted sweeter. When the television couple kissed, his heart, no, all of his organs, jumped up. Part of him felt like getting up and dancing but he heard the front door to the house open and decided against it, especially after hearing his mother call out to him.

The next day, he fidgeted in his seat, waiting for school to end. When the final bell rang, he grabbed Gerry’s arm.

‘Can we talk?’

‘Uh, sure? What is it?’

‘I mean in private. Don’t worry I’m not, you know, going to kill you or anything. Not that I ever would! Um… yeah. I just want to talk somewhere no one will hear us.’

Gerry turned his head to the side while still looking at him, but he nodded. After heading out of the building, they went behind it.  Chad took a deep breath. Then he did it again. Then a third time. He quickly started to sound like he was hyperventilating.

Gerry laughed nervously. ‘You going to talk? You were acting pretty weird yesterday. What’s going on?’

‘Do you have a crush on anybody?’ Chad sputtered out.

A blush appeared on Gerry’s face. ‘N-No… maybe… yes. Why?’

Chad forced himself to look at Gerry. He put his hands in his front pant pockets and swayed back and forth.

‘I’ve got a crush on someone.’

‘Yeah? Who?’ Gerry asked with wide eyes and a grin.

Chad lowered his head and looked at his feet. ‘You.’ He turned around to walk away but stopped himself when he heard Gerry’s reply.

‘The fuck?’ Chad turned back around and saw a barely recognisable face. It was contorted, Gerry’s nose scrunched up and his eyes narrow. ‘I thought you liked girls.’

Chad moved his arm up to grab Gerry’s arm but didn’t touch it just yet. ‘I do, but… I l-like you... m-more.’ He almost slapped himself for fumbling that line. He took Gerry’s arm but Gerry shoved his hand away, dragging Chad’s heart down to his feet.

‘That’s weird. I didn’t expect you of all people to be a faggot. You don’t exactly act like one. Why me? What did I do to deserve this?’

‘Y-you’re just… I dunno… funny and… nice… and stuff.’

‘If I’m those things, then I don’t deserve to be creeped on by a faggot.’

‘But…’

Gerry passed him, walking at an angle to keep his body as far away from Chad’s as possible.

When school ended the next day and the teacher left the room to collect something, Gerry spoke to some other friends of his on the other side of the classroom, not bothering to lower his voice so Chad couldn’t hear it.

‘It’s freaky, huh? I’ve never met an actual homo before.’ He was sitting on another student’s desk and leaning back on his hands, kicking his legs back and forth.

The boy sitting in the seat at the desk laughed. ‘Yeah, and you wouldn’t expect it. I guess anyone we know could be like that. Creepy.’

Chad shuffled towards them. ‘’m not gay,’ he murmured.

‘What? Speak up,’ a second boy commanded. He was standing next to the desk.

‘I’m not gay.’

A third boy snickered, leaning back on his chair, which was behind the first boy. ‘Then why did you say you had a crush on Gerry?’

‘I like girls but I like him more.’

Gerry groaned. ‘That again?’

The third boy shifted his chair closer, sending a light screeching noise into the classroom. ‘So you’re straight?’

Chad stepped back and put his hands in his pockets again. ‘No… maybe… I don’t know. Maybe I’m both?’

The second boy laughed.  ‘You can’t be both. You’re gay or straight. You’re not making any sense.  Do you need to be put in a loony bin or something?’

Tears started creeping out of Chad’s eyes and the boys responded with laughter. The sitting ones stood. Together with the already standing second boy, they loomed closer, towering over Chad’s cowering body.

‘So are you a faggot or are you normal?’ Gerry asked.

The boys kept pushing Chad further down with their stares. He felt like a wounded gazelle in front of an entire pride of hungry lions. He did the one thing he could think to do.

He gripped Gerry’s collar and punched him square in the jaw. The pain in his fist mixed with righteousness in his heart to make a confusing concoction. Gerry pushed Chad to the ground and started repeatedly punching him. Chad pulled his arm towards him and bit it. The other boys pounced on Chad, kicking and punching him.

Chad screamed when he felt one of his ribs crack. He lost all energy in his arms and legs and lied there as the boys continued to bash him. The boys heard the voice of a teacher they knew outside the classroom and headed out, shutting the door.

Chad licked his lips and felt like vomiting as the taste of blood poured into his mouth from the crack in his bottom lip. His gums were in pain, just barely keeping their grip on his teeth after his mouth was punched so many times. He could already feel bruises developing on his chest and cheek, the latter of which stung with tears.

When his teacher returned, she shrieked and dropped her clipboard upon seeing his shivering body. She ran to him, kneeled, held him up and called emergency services.

At the hospital, Chad didn’t tell any of the doctors or nurses what happened, keeping his mouth shut, or at least as shut as it could be with swollen lips.

His parents visited him, but they were always preoccupied with their daughter’s latest achievement, reading articles about her on their phones instead of talking to him.

One day, he asked them to show him the website and he saw a recommended article at the end of the one about his sister. In the thumbnail was a tanned, broad-shouldered man with a neck that still managed to look like a tree trunk under his big helmet. He was holding a football up in preparation to pass it to someone.

When Chad was released from the hospital the first thing he did at home was look up gridiron classes.

After the memory ended, Chad lied down on his bed and did nothing, simply looking at the ceiling and wishing he was tired enough to fall asleep.

Noah posed a question to Incels.me before going to bed. When he returned to the site a few days later, he looked at the poll and saw a mixture of views.

Anicel1919- [Experiment] (POLL) What do you think of gay men?

They’re great- 20 votes

They’re good/okay- 19 votes

I don’t care about them- 45 votes

They’re bad- 23 votes

I hate them- 8 votes

He took a deep breath before looking at the comments. The mixture remained.

Yourwaifuistrash- I mean, they’re not fucking femoids all day, so I don’t care what they do with their lives.

ERdidnothingwrong- They’re degenerates. But hey, at least if we keep them with each other, they can give each other AIDS and die out.

Hopelesscel95- Gas to faggots and trannies.

Ropeourlordandsaviour- They’re fine. Lesbians are trash, though. They claim to hate men until Chad gives them a few bottles. Then see what happens. Fucking sluts.

mxsogklash- Some of them are fine, it’s just the ones that act all effeminate that annoy me. It’s also annoying how much sex they get and despite this fact they’re treated like a protected class.

Joshua69- Soy Boy! Soy boy! Lol, I don’t really care, though. For incels there’s no reason to be against gay people.

Lookcel404- Gay men are just coping incels. They can’t get femoids interested in them so they pretend to be something they’re not and, even though they may act happy and with ‘pride’, they’re really miserable because they can’t get femoids. That’s why so many of them off themselves.

After reading through comment after comment, he noticed how tense his arms were. Was this desire, this want, this need just a ‘cope’? Was he lying to himself? Was he going crazy?

He took a few deep breaths. Just before his breaths had completely calmed down, a memory from middle school jammed itself back into his mind.

Noah closed his tabs as his mother entered the room. ‘Whatcha up to?’ she asked.

‘Nothing.’

His parents weren’t ready for the truth. To him, they were still sheep following the words of a book they hadn’t even read. It was them who gave him the worst name possible. There was no way they would be able to understand their son’s ascendance into intellectual godhood.

What activity was blowing his mind and causing him to question the fragile foundations of society? Watching atheist YouTubers, of course!

When his mother left the room, he reopened the tabs and clicked on a recommended video. The host looked different from the others. He was a clean-shaven, muscular Asian man in a sea of bearded white atheists. He had a big pearly smile as he made fun of the logical inconsistencies in Ken Ham’s books.

Noah initially listened to his counterarguments with great interest, but around halfway through the video his attention went elsewhere- the man’s muscles. After a while, Noah stopped paying attention to his words completely and started noticing how the man’s biceps were slightly shiny. He pictured someone rubbing oil over those arms.

After a few seconds of imagination, he closed the tab again and looked at his door. He breathed a sigh of relief when he realised his mother wasn’t there.

His head started spinning and he felt a little sick. He could feel his heartbeat through his ears and, when he looked down at his lap, he swore. He unzipped his jeans. When he was done, his shoulders felt as heavy as an occupied palanquin under the weight of the shame he had placed upon himself. He looked at his hand as if putrid smoke was coming out of it.

The next day was spent trying to act like nothing had happened. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up when he imagined someone chatting with him and him blurting out what happened the previous night. Luckily no one talked to him.

When he returned home, he lied down on his bed and stared at the ceiling. He wondered what would happen if he prayed. He doubted something would happen, but then he remembered something his mother always said.

‘A prayer a day keeps the despair away.’

He clasped his hands together and closed his eyes. He whispered his prayer. ‘Hey, god, I doubt you exist because your book makes no sense, but, I mean, on the off chance you are real, you mind giving me a girlfriend? You probably don’t want me repeating what I did last night. Make her a cool girl who’s interested in the same things as me. I want her to be smart. But not too smart! I don’t care if she’s pretty or whatever, just give me someone I can talk to easily. Honestly, I don’t know why I’m bothering with this infantile display of societal conformism. You can’t even hear me.’

The shame returned to his shoulders, as did the imagined smoke from his hand.

A week later, a new student joined the class. Becky White, a girl with messy hair in a ponytail and a constant frown. She scanned the class and sneered at them.

‘I was expecting more competition,’ she said as she turned to the teacher. ‘Are any of these people with an IQ higher than 110?’

Noah raised his hand. Facebook tests counted, right? Becky noted the seat next to Noah and sat next to him with a huff.

‘So, who do you prefer?  Xenophanes or Pascal?’ she asked him.

Noah felt a sting from not knowing who either was. ‘Huh?’

‘It’s a very important question. I need to know if you’re a religious conformist or not.’

‘Oh, I’m an atheist.’

Becky grinned and held out her hand. He took it and they shook hands. He couldn’t help but notice how cool, smooth and lacking in sweat her hands were. He gave her a closer look and felt his heart beat just a little faster.

Noah pushed the memory away and watched an anime to let the show occupy his thoughts.

7: 7th Post: I wonder what a woman’s love feels like

Becky rang the doorbell. She waited a minute before knocking on the door.

‘Okay, okay, I’m coming!’

When Stacy opened the door, Becky noticed her dishevelled hair, tracksuit pants, wrinkled shirt and missing earring. She looked down and found the earring in Stacy’s hand. 

Gesturing to the snowy white sofa in the living room, Stacy asked, ‘I’m sorry, can you wait a little? I’m almost ready.’ Becky nodded and sat down. 

She looked around the living room and saw photos of Stacy and two adults, presumably her parents, on the walls. There were no siblings in the photos. The wallpaper was as white and patternless as the sofa and the ceiling was the colour of smoke. The glass coffee table held up several heavy books, half of them about orthodontics and the other half about sports science. In front of the table stood a curved TV that stretched to both ends of the wall. The house was so clean that Becky couldn’t smell a thing.

When Stacy came out in a low-cut strapless dress and a pair of pumps with heels as high as a giraffe’s neck, Becky grinned.

‘That’s a change from before,’ she said with a chuckle.

Stacy looked down at her outfit. ‘Does it look bad?’

‘No, you’re pretty as always. It’s just, well, we’re just going shopping. You don’t need to wear something that formal.’

Stacy shifted her gaze to Becky’s jeans and t-shirt. She tensed up and started to walk back to her room, but Becky grabbed her arm.

‘It’s okay. Let’s not waste time that could be spent hanging out. How does that sound?’

Stacy nodded. She took Becky to her white beetle and drove the two of them to the nearest mall. She automatically entered her favourite clothing store and took out a blue dress, holding it up against Becky.

‘This would look cute,’ she said.

Becky looked at the tag and pursed her lips. ‘This is pretty expensive for a dress.’ She showed Stacy the tag.

‘Really? That’s pretty cheap for this store.’

Becky frowned. ‘You do realise I’m just an honour student, right? I can’t afford stuff like this.’

Stacy’s cheeks looked like someone had lit a candle underneath them. ‘I’m sorry! I didn’t know.’

Becky put her smile back on. ‘I’m surprised I can see you blushing underneath that tan.’ Stacy covered her face but Becky took one of her hands off it. ‘It’s cute.’

Stacy tore her hand away from Becky and put it back on her face. ‘Do you always say everything you’re thinking?’

Becky stroked her chin. ‘Have I changed? I distinctly remember holding secrets at my old school. How strange.’

Stacy brought her hands down and raised an eyebrow. ‘You kept secrets?’ she asked, trying to ignore the loud rumbling from her stomach.

Becky nodded, her fingers still on her chin. ‘I also distinctly remember being quite the intellectual snob.’ Before Stacy could ask what had changed (not that she would dare), Becky told her a little story. She spoke as they walked towards the food court.

There was a crowd of people gathered around a phone by the lockers, all laughing and making comments about a video. No one seemed to notice Becky White glaring at them from across the hallway.

The girl was sitting on the ground with her back against her bottom locker, reading a thick book about the history of video games. Well, she would be reading if the sound of chatter and the stench of men’s body spray wasn’t a distraction. One girl’s laughter sounded like she was squeezing her last remaining brain cells through her nose. One boy’s speaking voice made him sound like he was doing a mocking impression of a stupid person, which would be hilarious had that been not his natural voice. When he turned his head towards Becky, she pushed her frown up until she wore her ‘role model smile’, a technique she had perfected over multiple nights of practising in the mirror.

Becky guessed the group must be watching a video on a celebrity scandal or something stupid like that, so when she heard someone talk about a climate change-disbelieving politician between giggles, she dropped her book onto her lap and clenched her fists. She was never wrong. She must have misheard the girl.

The bell rang and Becky headed to art class, lathering on a new coat of ‘role model smile’. In class, her teacher handed her a sheet of paper, on which Becky maintained a crab’s grip despite her hands shaking. She felt a dull shiver run down her arms, leaving her feeling cold. Soon the cold melted away to blazing anger, which exploded through her body.

She stood up and slammed her hands against the table. ‘Excuse me, there’s something wrong with my grade for this assignment.’

The teacher headed to her desk and looked at the piece of paper. ‘What seems to be the problem? The grading is correct.’

‘You know me, Mr Oh. You know I deserve a better grade than this.’

Mr Oh lowered his voice to a gentle half-whisper. ‘Your form needs work and your piece lacked originality. I’m sorry but this is the mark you earned for this assignment. May I suggest listening in class rather than reading books?’

If someone saw the way Becky looked at Mr Oh, one could be forgiven for assuming the teacher had told her he was about to drown a box of orphaned puppies.

‘Excuse me? Are you actually a teacher, because what teacher discourages reading? I’m not going to dumb myself down just to do well in ‘art’ class!’ She scrunched her face upon uttering the word ‘art’. ‘Reading is a sign of intelligence, and you know what? I read a whole lot! I don’t just need a passing mark, I deserve it!’ As her shouting turned into screeching, the other students stared at her. 

‘We can talk about this some other time in a quieter setting,’ Mr Oh suggested with a soothing voice that would have worked if he was speaking to anyone else but Becky. The girl’s fist came crashing down into her desk, making no indentations but creating a loud, deep noise. 

‘How can I be valedictorian if I don’t pass every class? How can I get a job in the future if my potential employees find out I failed an assignment? Do you want to be the one held responsible for me wasting my potential? You know what? Your class is stupid anyway. The great philosophers could come up with things in their mind- they didn’t need to draw or paint it!’

‘Rebecca, please-’

‘You’re being a terrible person, Mr Oh.’ Becky grabbed her teacher by his arms. ‘How does that feel? You just ruined a promising young intellectual’s life!’ She started shaking the man.

Mr Oh pushed her arms away, ran out of the classroom and came back with the principal and a security guard. All three men had to drag Becky out of the room kicking and screaming.

The last words her classmates heard from her were, ‘I deserve better than this shitty school!’ 

Stacy gasped, placing her salad tray onto the table. ‘Did you get expelled?’

Becky shook her head. ‘No, but I did get a suspension. I didn’t end up going back, though. I could tell what my classmates were going to say, so I moved to your school. Turned over a new leaf, realised the video games I loved counted as art and made some friends. Well, one friend. You, uh, you know Noah?’ Stacy looked up at the ceiling in thought, absentmindedly crushing the lettuce with her fork. She shook her head. Becky chuckled. ‘Seriously? He’s in our homeroom class! Well, anyway, I was friends with him until he asked me out.’

‘Did you go out with him?’

With a sip of her coffee, Becky scowled at the memory. ‘No way. I was not interested. I mean, I was starting to think I might be gay at that point, but even if I was straight, I would have still seen him as a friend. He... didn’t take it well. Called me a whore for ‘leading him on’ and then avoided me. Whenever he did talk to me, he’d oh so subtlely bring up the concept of the friendzone as if to guilt trip me or some nonsense like that. Little did he know that I felt sex-zoned. I trusted him and thought he honestly wanted to be my friend but all he wanted was to get into my pants.’

As Stacy ate her salad in silence, she looked around the food court for a potential topic of conversation. How was she supposed to respond to that?

Becky did her signature lean forward. ‘So, why the bitchy friends?’

Stacy leaned in as well, though less in amusement and more in defiance. ‘They’re not bitchy!’ she exclaimed, pointing her lettuce-covered fork at her.

With a chuckle, Becky said, ‘Sorry. It’s just… wouldn’t it be hilarious if you stood up to them? I’d love to see you try like you did just now to me.’

Stacy let go of the fork and rubbed her own arm. ‘When I tried that it wasn’t hilarious.’ She bit her lip as if her teeth were guarding a creature threatening to escape from her mouth. Becky noticed this and leaned in closer, causing Stacy’s face to feel like it was tanning under the Summer sun.

‘There’s a story there, isn’t there?’

‘You know, if I knew you were going to act like this I wouldn’t have asked you out.’ When Becky continued to stare at her expectantly, Stacy exhaled her last remnants of stubbornness and told her tale of middle school woes.

Stacy Wells wasn’t the one getting pushed to the ground, but she could somehow feel the cold tile floor of the bathroom. It was a girl with short black and purple hair who was on the ground, covering her scarred wrists. One of Stacy’s friends, the one with the nasal voice, was holding a leather jacket up.

‘I knew it!’ she exclaimed. 'I told you guys she probably cuts herself. What did I say?’

‘Can we see?’ another girl asked with a smirk.

‘Leave me alone,’ the black-haired girl whispered just loud enough for the other girls to hear.

A third girl snickered, looking down at the victim’s wrists. ‘You’re clearly not leaving yourself alone, so why do we have to leave you alone?’

‘Yeah, it’s not our fault you decided to do that shit to yourself,’ the nasal girl added. She then put on a deep voice. ‘Emo’s not a phase, dad! You don’t understand! I just want attention!’

Every girl in the bathroom howled with laughter except for two. One was, of course, the victim. The other was Stacy, who stood in the corner with her face parallel to the ground.

Like a line of dominoes being pushed, several girls repeated the same insult. ‘Attention whore.’

Stacy took a deep breath and reached for the nasal girl’s arm, the arm holding the jacket. ‘Maybe you should give that back to her.’

The nasal girl whipped her body around to face Stacy, making a swooshing sound with the jacket in the air. She glared at Stacy with the furore of a painter seeing someone spill soft drink all over their masterpiece.

‘Butt out of it, Stacy. Isn’t this exactly what an attention whore wants? For everyone to see her? Or are you so dumb you think she doesn’t want the attention?’

‘I’m not dumb,’ Stacy murmured.

‘Are you sure about that? Because everyone knows you’re a dumb slut who thinks she’s hot shit just because she grew boobs before everyone else.’

Stacy covered her chest. ‘Who said that?’

The nasal girl put her hand over her mouth. ‘N-no one.’ She glanced sideways to the girl who originally made that comment.

The victim girl stood up, tore her jacket from the nasal girl’s hand and stormed out of the bathroom with tears smudging her eyeliner. She didn’t find time to give Stacy a thankful smile.

Of course, the nasal girl wasn’t done with Stacy. ‘The fuck was that? What’s your problem, Stacy? You’re supposed to be my friend and you take her side?’

Stacy bowed her head. ‘I’m sorry. I just thought…’

‘You thought what?’

The five girls who were allegedly Stacy’s friends crowded around Stacy with hands on their hips and looks that could make a titan weep. By then she had realised that she was back in that corner she hid in earlier.

She shut her mouth. She kept that mouth shut long after that day, even when the girl with the black and purple hair was targeted again. Every time she saw that girl, she felt tempted to apologise and give her a big hug, asking if she was okay. But then she’d feel the words ‘dumb slut’ pick at her mind’s wounds.

It took her over two years to feel comfortable wearing anything that showed the slightest hint of cleavage.

Becky was no longer leaning forward, instead reaching into her handbag for tissues. She handed them to Stacy, who pushed them away despite knowing how wet her cheeks were.

‘I’m sorry,’ Stacy said, waving one hand about while using the other to rub her eyes. ‘This is probably a really weird first date. Talking about stuff like this. We can end it here if you want.’

Becky took the hand waving in the air and laid it on top of the table. ‘It’s okay,’ she said in a soothing voice. ‘Dates are about getting to know each other, right? I haven’t exactly had much experience with them, to be perfectly honest. But I guess it’s a special kind of date just for our kind of relationship. I’m weird, you’re weird, so our date would be… am I making sense?’ 

Stacy nodded and smiled, slowing her breaths down. ‘Thanks. Well, at least you know I’m a pushover now. Looks like you’re about to dodge a bullet.’

With those words, Becky cupped Stacy’s cheek with her hand. ‘Don’t say that about yourself. You did what you could. So why are you still friends with those girls?’

It took Stacy a few seconds to think up an answer. ‘Who else am I supposed to be friends with?’

Becky stood up and offered her hand. ‘Let’s shop some more. Take your mind off things. I can’t have my date crying, can I?’

Stacy couldn’t help but giggle a little as she took Becky’s hand. They continued holding hands even as they walked throughout the mall. They stopped at a STEM retailer and went into the star room, which was just a black room with lights projected onto the ceiling. They laughed as they tried to make the smallest shadow puppets in history, though alas, the stars were too small even for their shadow puppets.

After they finished shopping and headed back to Stacy’s house, they said goodbye with a peck on the cheek, which both parties were satisfied with. Becky waved to the other girl before getting into her own car and driving off, a big grin on her face.

8: 8th Post: [LifeFuel] My crush likes me back

Noah rapidly raised and dropped his laptop, standing up and turning away from it. After remembering the price of the thing, he checked it for damages. Upon seeing no problems, he sighed and sat back down.

He put his headphones back on and played the game again. All the cartoonish gun sounds couldn’t drown out the voice in the back of his mind.

What’s with you lately?

He chose to ignore the voice but it only got louder, and as it got louder it pushed him to play harder, firing at everyone. Yes, even his teammates. He wasted bullets on players that couldn’t be harmed by him.

After his team lost the game, he slammed the headphones against the desk. Once again, he sheepishly checked for any damages and found none.

He leaned against the back on his chair and looked up at the ceiling.

The voice had disappeared but was replaced with an image of Chad smirking on the ceiling. He scowled at the image in his mind, only to swallow air when it was replaced with Chad’s fish-out-of-water face.

‘You’re… hot…’

Noah felt a twinge in his heart and throbbing down below. His shoulders became heavy as he unzipped his pants. As per usual, he pictured smoke rising from his hand and tried to ignore it.

After washing his hands, he picked up his phone, scrolled through the contacts and almost deleted Chad’s. His thumb hovered over the screen until he decided to keep it. The voice came back.

You should get a picture of him for the contact.

The thought put even more weight onto his shoulders. As if he was going to do that. It wasn’t like he missed him all that much.

He lied down on his bed, staring at the screen and trying to avoid the contacts app, though naturally his eyes kept going back to that little address book.

He groaned. ‘Fine,’ he hissed to himself. He sent Chad a message.

How are you? Been a while.

Chad replied surprisingly quickly, causing Noah to fumble with his phone after almost dropping it in shock.

Yeah, it has. I’ve been good. I need to go to bed soon so I’ll talk to you at school.

Chad kept his promise and chatted to him during class. At first, the conversation was slow and awkward, both boys trying to tiptoe around the issue of Chad calling Noah hot.

The conversation began to centre around sports, with Chad trying to convince Noah to watch one football game, something Noah had not done since he was eight. He reluctantly agreed on the condition that he watch Chad play first.

At football practice that afternoon, Noah leaned forward with his hands maintaining a strong grip on the metal bar in front of the bleachers. His eyes never left Chad as the player threw the ball with one of his muscular arms.

When practice ended, Noah congratulated Chad on doing well before sneaking out of the bleachers and shuffling to his car. On his way home, he saw a little NFL shop about to close for the day.

He rushed in and bought a generic poster with the NFL logo and a picture of a football. At home he blu-tacked the poster on the wall behind his bed’s headboard. 

He went onto his laptop and looked for ways to torrent NFL games. Instead of studying he ended up watching one and a half games until he fell asleep. His eyes subconsciously sought out the most handsome players and he even found a guy who looked like Chad. 

During the moments the players stopped, fantasies danced around his mind about what Chad would do with him in that uniform of his. At first, these fantasies were purely carnal, though they gradually changed into something a little different.

For instance, he imagined Chad running to the bleachers to kiss him after scoring a touchdown. He thought of the boy training him in football, complimenting his skills. He even made up a scenario in which he tended to Chad’s injuries.

After that last daydream, one question popped into his head.

The fuck is wrong with you?

He woke up late in the morning but couldn’t bring himself out of bed. He just lied there thinking about what those fantasies meant, what any fantasy he’d ever had about a guy meant. It wasn’t like he was gay. As much as women frustrated him to the point of stirring hatred within him, he still wanted them. No, he needed them.

His heart leapt in shock and something that totally wasn’t joy when he heard his phone buzz. It was a message from Chad.

Where are you?

Noah spent half a minute coming up with an excuse.

Sick.

Chad replied with some sad emojis like the normie he was.

I’ll meet you after school to check up on you.

Noah groaned.

You want to catch something?

Chad’s response sent a wave of warmth throughout Noah’s body.

I don’t, but I’ll feel worse if I don’t see for myself that you’re okay.

Noah smiled as he got up and made himself a meal he had learnt how to make from an anime. After finishing off his lunch, he went back onto his laptop and debating (or, to be more accurate, arguing) with someone on an anime forum.

Chad did what he said he was going to do, and quicker than expected. When Noah opened the door for him, Chad asked him how he was.

Noah coughed. ‘Good. I feel better now. You wait in my room and I’ll make us some coffee. You okay with having it black?’ 

‘Yeah, but aren’t you still sick? I should make it.’

‘It’s fine, really.’ Noah nudged him into his room.

Chad spun around on the chair by the desk. As he stopped the chair, his hand slipped on the mouse, moving it enough to wake the laptop from its screensaver mode. A tab showed a forum debate entitled ‘Are Traps Gay?’

When Noah entered the room with two cups of coffee, Chad asked him, ‘What are traps? I’m guessing you’re not talking about stuff used for hunting, unless hunting’s a gay activity now.’ This caused Noah to spill some of the coffee as he slammed the mugs on the desk.

‘N-none of your business.’ Chad took out his phone. ‘Wait!’ Noah shouted as he closed the door behind him. He whispered, ‘Okay, so, uh, in anime there are these guys called ‘traps’ who look like girls.’

Chad joined him in speaking with a hushed voice. ‘Sounds like an insult.’

‘H-how?’

‘Well, a trap means you’re, I don’t know, tricking someone, right? Are these anime dudes who look like chicks tricking people or something? Or is the word a coincidence or something like that?’

‘Well, uh, no, I mean, I think the word comes from that, but, uh…’ Noah looked around the room for a way to change the subject but found nothing. The whispering ended. ‘It-It’s a compliment nowadays!’

‘Really? Doesn’t sound like one,’ Chad said as he shrugged his shoulders.

‘The question isn't really about those guys anyway, so it doesn’t matter if they’re ‘tricking’ you or not. It’s more about if you’re gay for liking them. They’re, uh, popular with dudes.’

‘Sounds pretty gay to me.’

‘It’s not! Absolutely not! You think some faggot would be into anime characters who look like girls? No, it’s the realm of the straight men. Only straight men can appreciate these beauties.’

Chad stood up and leaned closer to Noah. ‘So you’re into dudes?’

‘No, it doesn’t count, it doesn’t-’

‘Would you fuck a real-life guy in a dress?’

‘Uh… n-no…’

Chad smirked as some mysterious, much more confident force possessed him and made words he never expected to say spew from his mouth.  Perhaps it was Noah’s relatable nervousness that made him feel oddly safe. He put his hand between Noah’s shoulder and his neck, lightly rubbing the area.

‘Would you fuck me if I looked like a girl?’

Noah didn’t respond, at least verbally. He just stared at Chad, who leaned closer and drank in the delicious sound of his heartbeat.

The stare lasted a good twenty or so seconds before their bodies joined together in a heated kiss. As Noah panted with desire, the zest of ginger and the scent of honey from his lunch lit up Chad’s mind, as did his partner’s heartbeat, which continued to get louder and faster. Chad’s heart and breaths quickly matched him as he held his cheeks, his thumbs stroking the hair in front of his ears. He continued kissing him even as he started becoming more aware of what he was doing, as any fear he could possibly feel was replaced with the endorphins he usually got playing football.

Part of him had expected an overly slobbery kiss, so he grinned when he noticed that this wasn’t the one he was having. Noah’s lips were a little rough but Chad enjoyed every inch of them. Noah’s skin was hot and, in contrast with his lips, soft. 

He pushed Chad onto the chair and stuck his tongue in his mouth, reaching for the taller man’s coat to take it off. Chad shivered at this sudden display of dominance and helped him fling off the coat. Noah only let go of him to turn on the CD player and soon the sounds of their kiss were hidden under the swelling of a boisterous symphony. They moved to the bed, grasping at each other’s clothes to remove them as quickly as possible.

 

 

The air was filled with heavy breaths that gradually slowed down. The duo felt almost sick from the smell of the room. The CD player finished its current track before Noah turned it off. He turned until his back was facing Chad, who placed his hand on the shorter man’s hip.

‘How was it?’ he murmured. Noah shrugged, refusing to look at him and yet again focusing on his own hands as if smoke was emanating from them. ‘That bad, huh? Sorry, I’m new to this. That was my first time.’

Noah rolled back with the speed of a tumble dryer. ‘The fuck are you talking about? There’s no way you were a virgin. What about all those girls that throw themselves at you?’

‘What girls?’ 

Noah stared at Chad like the man was high. Chad stroked his hip with his thumb as he said, ‘And besides, even if I did sleep with girls, it’s not like that would prepare me to sleep with a guy. I doubt many girls would be interested in doing what you…’ He laughed nervously.

Noah covered his eyes with his bangs. ‘Oh. Yeah. Speaking of which, are you… sore?’

Chad shifted his butt on the bed. ‘A little. Maybe we should have done more prep.’ He reached underneath the sheets and pulled out a bottle. ‘This is pretty good stuff, though. And the condoms… why’d you have these on you?’

Noah gulped, staring at the ceiling, then the door, anything to prevent him from having to look at Chad.

‘In… in case I needed to use them… with a girl. I bought them when you made me think for a second that maybe I could actually get a girl.’

Chad sighed. ‘Yeah, so, uh, what exactly are we? I mean, are we… what’s it called… bisexual?’

Noah pulled the sheets up despite showing no shame a few minutes earlier. ‘No way,’ he said with a shake of the head like a dog leaving a bath. ‘This is… fucked. I shouldn’t have… we shouldn’t have… Let’s just forget about this. It never happened, alright?’

Chad dropped the bottle and looked down at the sheets with a frown. ‘Was I really that bad? Or couldn’t you picture me as a girl? Maybe you are straight after all-’

‘You were fine!’ Noah snapped. ‘And I didn’t imagine you as a girl. You were… okay. It felt good.’ He looked at the evidence of this: the condom in the bin. ‘It’s just that… my first time wasn’t supposed to be ‘okay’.’

‘What’d you expect it to be like? It’s not like either of us are very experienced.’

‘I don’t know. Just better. It almost feels like nothing happened. I mean, for Christ’s sake, I lost my virginity! That’s a big deal, isn’t it? It’s not like I can undo it.’ Noah tightened his grip on his sheets until his knuckles turned white. ‘So why don’t I feel any different?’

With another sigh Chad turned around and got off the bed. Unsure how to reply to that question, he asked Noah where the bathroom was but, before Noah could answer, they heard a knock on the door. 

‘Noah, are you decent?’ a feminine voice called out.

‘No!’

‘Well hurry up and get dressed. Family meeting.’

Noah looked from side to side in thought before shoving Chad in the closet and pulling the quilt over the sheets to hide the evidence. He picked up the clothes he wore from before and threw Chad’s clothes into the closet.

‘Family meeting? Since when do we have those?’

‘We do now! Your father and I can’t decide on dinner.’

Noah pulled his jeans up, trying to ignore the sudden stickiness of his underwear. ‘Well, decide for yourself! You don’t need me.’ Chad felt his heart twist but he focused on his task of putting clothes on while cramped in a closet. Noah threw a shirt on and opened the door just a little, not so much as to show what was on his bed.

His mother pinched her nose. ‘What’s that smell?’

‘Nothing! I’m sure it’s nothing.’

After hearing the door slam shut, Chad made his way out of the closet, picked up his bag and coat and snuck out of the room. He tiptoed through the living room. He locked eyes with Noah, who gave him a deer in the headlights look. His parents turned their heads and Chad ducked down behind the couch, holding his breath. His heart sped up as he crawled to the door. He looked at Noah one last time and put his hand on the door.

Noah looked in the opposite direction and yelled, ‘Did you see that? Mittens just jumped for no reason!’ Chad opened the door. ‘I think she saw a mouse!’ Chad closed the door behind him and slowly exhaled. 

Once the family meeting ended, Noah took to Incels.me and discovered that the website was gone. He was fuming when he learned that it was taken down. He searched around for a replacement and quickly found one. He joined it under a new username and began to write, changing Chad from a ‘he’ to an unnamed ‘she’.

Rotcel2003- [LifeFuel] My crush likes me back

Well, this is only half life fuel. On the one hand, I just slept with my crush. It was fairly good, and she’s pretty hot, but it wasn’t life-changing. It kind of makes me question why I was so obsessed with losing my virginity. Is this really the life of an ascended incel? I don’t know. 

I can’t help but wonder if it was worth doing stuff with her. I mean, what kind of femoid would be into me? She clearly has low standards to date a sub-3 like me. And it’s even weirder when you consider that it started with us talking about anime. She doesn’t even watch anime! Plus, we were talking about traps, not exactly prime normie material.

So yeah, I’m conflicted.

When Noah went back onto the post, he was shocked at the influx of replies calling him a bluepilled cuck and saying he was bragging. Someone even accused him of being a normie trying to pass himself off as an incel.

It was that night when Chad decided to look up this whole incel thing. He came across the same forum Noah visited and saw a post about a discussion of anime ‘traps’ leading to sex.

His fish-out-of-water eyes returned. 

9: 9th Post: [Venting] She’s not my friend

Chad looked up the term ‘trap’ and, amongst the discussion on how hot these anime characters were, he found some YouTube videos on why the word was offensive.

He messaged Noah on his phone, using terms he wasn’t used to using and concepts he wasn’t used to tackling.

So is this ‘trap’ thing just for crossdressing guys? Apparently people call transgenders or whatever that word. The transgenders don’t seem to like it or something like that. Do you know about this?

Noah didn’t reply, focusing on writing more posts and comments on the forum. Chad read through each post as well as some by other users and sent Noah the occasional phone message, causing Noah’s eyebrows to twitch in anger.

A lot of people are posting stuff on that forum about killing themselves. They keep mentioning ‘suicide fuel’. You okay?

Woah, someone just posted about wanting a handy from his mom. The fuck? You’re not like that, right?

Why are girl incels banned? I feel like if a dude incel and a chick incel met they could be together and stop being incels. 

Hey, why didn’t you tell me I’m annoying? And I’m not a liar about being a virgin before we did it. I swear to God.

Noah sent Chad one message before exiting the forum.

If you don’t leave me the fuck alone I’m changing my username and never talking to you ever again. 

At school over the next few days, Noah ignored the talkative Chad.

In the morning Chad said, ‘So, I watched an episode of one of those anime and it was pretty good. It was Cowboy somethingarather. Some website recommended it. I was surprised that there was a black chick in it. I thought anime characters were all white or something. Have you seen this show?’

While lining up in the cafeteria, Chad admitted, ‘I’m a little confused about this blackpill-redpill-bluepill thing. What’s the difference?’

As they walked to their lockers, Chad whispered, ‘Who runs that forum? It seems like chaos in there. People say all sorts of crazy stuff. I mean, feminists can be annoying and shit but I don’t think they’re running some kind of conspiracy to prevent you from getting girls.’

As they reached Noah’s locker, Chad added, ‘And some guy said that it’s over for guys with glasses because of genetics or whatever.’ He looked around to see if anyone was watching. ‘He’s gotta be joking! Glasses on guys?’ He hooked his finger into the collar of his own shirt, pulled the collar like he was in the middle of a heatwave and whistled as he tossed his head back.

Noah had to scowl at him for that, taking off his glasses for a moment just to spite him.

When the two were alone before homeroom one day, Chad kept trying to grab Noah’s hand but Noah kept pulling it away. 

‘What’s wrong?’ Chad asked. ‘No one’s around. And we’ve done more than hold hands.’

Noah bit his lip and looked away. ‘I thought we weren’t going to talk about that.’

‘Sorry. But I don’t know if I really want to forget it. I’ve been thinking a lot about it, actually, how you expected it to be this perfect thing. Did someone on that forum say it’s supposed to be like that? I don’t know how they would be experts on that since they’re incels. But, I mean, it was still fun, right? You said it was okay and that’s better than bad.’

‘Has anyone told you that you talk too much?’

 Chad laughed. ‘Not really. It’s just… I find it easy talking to you. Every time we talk I learn something new and it’s kind of exciting, learning about this incel thing. It’s like I’ve discovered this hidden underground village or something. I don’t know what it is about you.’

‘So you like me because I’m an incel?’

The smile on Chad’s face withered and died. ‘No. Oh my god, no way. I could listen to you talk about anything and I’d be interested. Your looks and that make for a deadly combo.’ He chuckled. ‘I think God did a great job creating you overall.’ His eyes widened. ‘Wait, uh, was that too much?’

Noah looked down at his hands, which were curled up on his lap. His eyes were shiny as if holding back tears.

‘Can you stop with the flattery? I know you’re probably great at flirting and attracting people, but do you really need to keep shoving it in my face? I get it, you’re so much more successful than I am. You’re soooo hot and you could have any femoid you want. Stop bragging and talking down to me.’

‘Sorry about that, but I’m not brag-’

‘Of course you are! You keep bringing up the goddamn forum and how shitty you think the people are on there. Stop trying to act like a damn knight who’s here to rescue me from inceldom. It’s patronising as fuck. And that thing about God making me is stupid. Do you seriously think some magic bearded dude in space made me? Bullshit.’

‘Oh, right, you’re an atheist. Sorry. I kind of forgot. Not that I forget other things about you! I remember a lot.’ Chad paused to collect his thoughts before spouting anything he’d regret. ‘I guess I’m kind of a Christian, though I don’t really go to Church much.’

‘Christian, huh? That explains why you’re so stupid.’

Chad stood up, his chair making an ear-piercing squeak as it was pushed backwards.

‘Hey, that’s not fair!’ He leaned down until he and Noah were the length of a nose apart. ‘Didn’t you hear what I said? Yeah, I believe in some higher power but I’m not some Bible-thumping crazy or anything like that!’

‘Really? I bet when everyone comes through this door you’ll get out of my face and act like you’re not interested in me, like a good Christian boy.’

As soon as he said that, several students entered the classroom, prompting Chad to turn away and sit back down, keeping his hands to himself.

Noah smirked at him before returning to ignoring him.

At home, Noah posted onto the forum. He hadn’t originally planned on posting that day but he had to test something.

Rotcel2003- [Venting] She’s not my friend.

I thought I’d just made a female friend but it turns out she’s not my friend. You can’t trust femoids. You’re just a placeholder until a Chad comes along.

Noah put his watch into timer mode and waited twenty seconds until the message arrived.

Who’s the girl? :( Good for you, I guess. Well, except for her being untrustworthy and shit.

Noah furiously typed one word to Chad.

Creep

He placed his phone onto his desk and collapsed onto his bed. He remembered what someone said to him on Incels.me.

Gay men are just coping incels.

The word ‘coping’ stood out to him. He had heard other incels refer to many other things as a ‘cope’: video games, watching sports and drawing to name a few. Copes were a distraction from the truth, which was that an incel like him could never truly be happy.

It took him half an hour to get out of bed and pick up the laptop. He opened the closet and carefully placed it on the floor inside it. He wanted to just drop the laptop to the ground but, cope as it was, his gaming laptop was expensive. He stacked his physical games next to the laptop. He then looked down into the closet and sighed, remembering who had been in this exact place not long ago. He shook his head. He wasn’t done yet.

He made room in his drawers, an easy task given the lack of quantity his clothing collection had. He put his anime figurines, DVDs and manga in there. He ran out of space to put the model planes in there, so he put them under his bed. He then deleted the manga reader and anime streaming apps on his phone. 

He turned his mirror around until it faced him and the image of smoke clouded his mind. His hands curled into fists and he decided to use one of those fists. Soon the small crack spread to the rest of the mirror. He wiped the blood that seeped out of his hand.

As a final touch, he ripped the posters from the wall. As he reached the lone NFL poster, he bit his lip and blinked quickly. He wasn’t going to cry over some creep. He shoved them under his bed next to the planes.

He looked around the room and noticed how plain and empty it looked. He sat on the bed and smiled at the one piece of decoration left, the cat-themed quilt.

Cope, he thought. He pulled the quilt off the bed and pushed it under the bed. He turned off the lights, slipped between the sheets and lied there, trapped between walls blackened by night. He shivered without the quilt but persevered. There was no point in doing anything that made him happy. All he could do was, as the incels say, lay down and rot.

10: 10th Post: [Experiment] (POLL) Should I end it all?

Noah didn’t show up at school, spending all day in bed.

Chad tried messaging him but got no response. As he made his way to his locker during lunch he even tried to call him, but the mocking dirge of four gradually quieting beeps played on the phone.

‘What the hell?’ Chad asked his locker with a hiss. He added, ‘Noah, don’t ignore my calls,’ despite no one being there to hear him.

His shoulders jumped when he felt a slap on the back.

‘What’s up? Hey, where’s your ugly friend?’

Chad whipped his body around and grabbed Tyrone by the collar. ‘Who are you talking about?’ he growled.

Tyrone’s shoulders dropped. ‘Y-you know. Whatshisname, with the weird shirts and the glasses.’

‘Fuck you. You know nothing about him. Absolutely fucking nothing!’

Tyrone held his hands up like a soldier caught by the enemy. ‘Woah, c-calm down, dude! You on your p-period or something?’

Chad raised his fist but didn’t punch Tyrone, opting to drop him instead. ‘You’re not worth it. You’re a pathetic piece of shit who clearly needs glasses himself.’

Now it was Tyrone’s turn to grab Chad by the collar, albeit with a weaker grip. ‘Nobody calls me pathetic. Nobody.’ It took a crack in Tyrone’s voice for Chad to notice that the tiny boy was blinking abnormally fast. ‘And what’s your problem? You were spending all that time with whatshisface and I let you even though you were supposed to be my friend. Why? Because you seemed happy around him. You had this stupid little Grinch-looking grin on your face whenever he came into the room.’

Chad instinctively touched the ends of his lips with his thumb and pointer finger. ‘I did?’

‘Yeah.’ Tyrone let go of Chad’s collar and rubbed the back of his own neck. ‘Look, uh, s…s…’ He took a deep breath before squeezing out what he wanted to say. ‘Sorry for insulting the guy. You know me. I run my mouth a lot sometimes. By the way, what was with the part about me needing glasses?’

‘Nothing!’ Chad croaked as he swiftly turned away from him.

Tyrone shrugged his shoulders. ‘I’ll, uh, leave you to calm down or whatever. I wouldn’t worry too much about the guy. I’m sure he’ll be back tomorrow. Probably spent all night watching whatever he watches.’

Noah did not, in fact, come back to school the next day. Or the day after that. Whenever his mother tried to get him out of bed, he screeched at her to get out of his room.

He was tempted to use his phone to watch YouTube to pass the time but he kept reminding himself of one word. ‘Cope’. Instead he lied down and thought about everything that had gone wrong in his life, from never having had a girlfriend to Chad finding his incel forum account. Though he refused to admit it even to himself, the latter caused an even greater sting in his heart.

After hours of thinking, he mustered up the motivation to stand up and grab his phone. He put up a post to the forum.

Rotcel2003- (POLL) Should I end it all?

It’s over for me. It was over for me as soon as I was born with this deformed face. And now the one girl who I thought I could be with has found this account and is mocking me for it. Should I just end it?

He checked the poll several hours later and became a mess of tears at the results. He was right.

Yes- 102 votes

No- 28 votes

Someone commented an alternative.

Islavistalol- Go ER and kill everyone. Get revenge on the girl who mocked you. Foids deserve the bullet.

He envisioned Chad’s dying face. He had done this in the past with the girls who rejected him or simply didn’t notice him but, for some reason, this time he felt pain more powerful than any pleasure he could feel at the concept of revenge. There was no way he could even attempt what the infamous Elliot Rodger did.

He added one edit to his post. 

It’s decided. Goodbye, everyone.

Chad was reluctant to check the forum again. He’d already made enough of a mess. However, as he secretly looked at his phone during a boring class,  he gave in and saw Noah’s final post.

‘Shit,’ he murmured as he stood up.

‘Is something wrong, Mr Beaufort?’ the teacher asked but Chad ignored him and raced out of the classroom. ‘Hey, what are you-’

Chad searched through his scrambled mind for a place Noah would commit suicide. Sweat ran down his entire body and his throat felt dry and sore as if he had just screamed for ten hours. His heart felt like it was trying to escape out of his chest and he panted like a wolf in the middle of the desert. 

He got into his car and sped away.

He first stopped at Noah’s house and banged on the front door. When no one answered, he took a few steps back and kicked the door open. Noah was nowhere to be found.

He tried the train station but there was no sight of Noah. He went to a bridge where suicide was common and couldn’t find him there either.

He took out his phone and looked up advice on stopping someone from committing suicide. He only skimmed it, barely able to concentrate as memories of Noah flashed before his eyes. One thing that the boy said stuck out.

‘I’d spend the rest of my life here if I could.’

A thorny bouquet of different curse words tumbled from Chad’s mouth. He turned his car around and rushed to the local library with intentional graffiti.

As luck would have it, the door had a ‘closed’ sign attached to it.

Chad repeatedly slammed his hands against the clear doors and, when no one was there to open them, he looked around. He ran around the library until he was behind it, his heart pounding in his ears.

He saw him, dipping his toes into the lake. Chad shivered even though he wasn’t touching the water himself. 

‘Noah!’

The boy turned his head, tears in his eyes. ‘Leave me alone,’ he spat. ‘I don’t want to fucking talk to you.’

Chad stepped towards him, careful not to step too close and scare Noah even more. ‘But I need to apologise. I get it. I was shitty. Real shitty.  I shouldn’t have tried to meddle so much. But don’t drown yourself over me! I’m not worth it!’

Noah moved out of the lake and stormed up to Chad, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt and giving him a murderous glare.

‘You think it’s ‘cause of you? You fucking narcissist. It’s not all about you. I’ve spent years of my life trying to get a girlfriend, and for what? So she can spread her fucking legs for some piece of shit like you? Everyone on that website you fucking spied on me on is right. It’s hopeless for someone like me. I look like shit, and even if I just looked average, girls don’t want an ‘average’ guy. No, they only go for the top 20 per cent of men. Do you think that’s fair, huh? Huh? And don’t try to explain it away by saying, ‘Just have a less shitty personality,’ like you know what oppression is. Fuck off!’ He shoved Chad away.

Chad touched Noah’s arms with shaking hands. Noah’s glare softened at his touch. ‘I don’t know about ‘oppression’, per se,’ Chad said. ‘But I do know what it’s like to be treated badly because of something out of my control. It’s something I’ve tried to keep hidden, so I don’t know what I’d do if I was in your shoes and people found out the truth. That’s why I’m really sorry.’

Noah pushed Chad’s arms away and started walking back towards the lake. ‘I bet your secret’s something small like, ‘A girl rejected me once so I had to go with one of my thirty other options’.’

Chad took a deep breath. ‘More like, ‘I confessed to a guy and got my ribs kicked until they broke and I had to go to the hospital’.’

Noah turned around. He said nothing. He just repeatedly opened and closed his hands as if he was trying to hold onto the air. The wind blew and he wrapped his arms around himself, shivering. Chad stepped closer.

‘And besides, you don’t look like shit,’ he said. ‘I’ve told you this before. You’re hot.’

When Noah put his foot in the water, Chad felt a painful bolt of electricity in his veins telling him to run forward, but he reminded himself of the consequences of trying to rush this. 

Noah sighed. ‘Do you think I want to hear that from you? Guys want everything. They’d fuck a walking table if they could. Hearing stuff like that from a guy isn’t the same as hearing it from a soft, feminine femoid…’

Chad had to tune out when Noah started describing the ideal woman. He pictured Noah having sex with a woman and felt like he was going to vomit.

‘… so I don’t want to hear it from a degenerate like you.’

‘Degenerate?’

‘You just told me you’re a faggot.’

Chad felt like slapping himself when his blood started to boil. How could he want to punch someone who was on the verge of suicide?

‘I’m not a faggot,’ he murmured with his head down as he shoved his hands into his pockets. ‘I liked Becky, remember?’

‘I bet that was just a cover-up.’ The more Noah explained, the weaker his voice became, as if his own mind was already arguing with everything he was saying. ‘You just wanted to cope with your degeneracy by acting like a normal person so you could bang a bunch of other Chads behind the scenes. Knowing you it worked. You probably get to sleep with ten men a night just like a femoid. And me? I get to spend the rest of my life not knowing the love of a woman. Or maybe you’re really straight and you’re just coping with Becky rejecting you so you pretended to like me. You wanted to convince yourself you’re happy when you’re really miserable.’

Chad took another step. ‘Is that last bit how you feel... about yourself?’

Noah released a single quick laugh. ‘I’m eighteen for Christ’s sake. Guys half my age are already having sex.’ Chad winced at the thought. ‘If these are the best years of my life, I may as well die now. No femoid is going to wake me up with a kiss and tell me the kids are already up, excited for their Christmas presents. No femoid’s going to cook my favourite meal when I come home from work upset at my boss. And no femoid is ever going to tell me she found this goofy-looking tie and thought of me so she bought it. If I stay alive, I’m going to be a virgin at fifty and everyone’s going to look at me like a worthless waste of space. Humans are supposed to reproduce, right? What’s the use of a man who can’t do that? I’m going to die alone. I just know it.’

Noah submerged his ankles in the water, then his shins. Chad grabbed his arm. ‘What’s your favourite meal?’ was the only question he could come up with in such a short amount of time.

Noah bit his lip. ‘Meatloaf,’ he whispered, looking away from Chad. ‘I know it’s normie shit but Mom makes it with this weird spice that makes it ten times better. I’d… love to ask her what the spice is so I can tell my future wife and she can cook it for me.’

‘You can’t do that if you’re dead.’

After Chad said that he rubbed the back of his own neck. ‘Look, I really hope this doesn’t look like I’m insulting you, but I don’t see the logic in what you’re saying. It seems like you’re taking one thing that’s happening now and convincing yourself that it’s the end of the world. The steps between you not getting laid right now and you dying alone don’t seem to connect. And it’s not like you’re a virgin anymore since we, you know….’

Noah stepped further into the water and Chad pulled him back. ‘Wait! I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry. I’m not trying to, you know, downplay what you’re feeling right now. It’s just that it doesn’t seem very rational and I know you’re the kind of person who believes in logic and reason.’

‘I’m not… rational? I’m very rational. I understand more about the world than some Christian who probably tries to pray the gay away.’

‘That may be true, but right now you’re not acting very rational. It’s like someone’s possessed you and put these thoughts into your head against your will. You’re not really like this, Noah. I know you’re not.’ 

Chad wiped the tears that were beginning to surface in his eyes. ‘And, to be honest, I’d like to wake you up with a kiss and tell you our future kids are already up for Christmas. I’d like to learn that meatloaf recipe and make it for you after a hard day’s work. I’d probably skip the middleman and ask your mom directly. And I’m probably not good at picking out ties, but I could buy you one if you wanted me to. I’m sure by then I’d know you well enough to know which one to pick. 

‘Actually, you know what? It doesn’t matter what I want right now. You’re right, I’m a narcissist. Even if we never got together and I saw you going out with some chick, I’d be happy enough. I’d survive. Even if we never had sex again and I never had sex with anyone else, ever, I’d be okay. Even if I’m fifty years old. If someone looked at you funny for being a fifty-year-old virgin, you know I’d punch their lights out.’

Chad lowered his hand from his tear-stained face and smiled at Noah, pulling him just a little bit closer. He himself stepped closer, trying his best to ignore the coldness circling his feet as the water seeped into his them through the holes in his socks. Noah’s eyebrows shot up and his eyes grew several sizes, his lips pursed and his limbs stiff.

‘You see, even if you don’t get a girl, you’ll still have friends, family and all that good stuff,' Chad assured him in a soft but firm voice, brushing his fingers against Noah’s cheek. 'You’re not a waste of space. It’s just whatever’s possessed your mind telling you that.

‘Look, I’m not too good at talking about this kind of thing. I’m not even sure if I should really be arguing about this with you instead of just listening to you. Maybe you should talk to someone who, I don’t know, gets paid to listen to people going through what you’re going through. They should have better advice than me. Please, just talk to someone about this. 

‘And not that forum. I know I don’t know what I’m doing, but I sure as hell know more than those idiots who told you to kill yourself. It’s not like they’re people who have gotten out of your situation. It’s like going to a support group for alcoholics run by someone who’s still an alcoholic and hasn’t gotten help themselves.’

Noah’s mouth opened but he didn’t say anything. His eyes moved from side to side as he contemplated what Chad said. Tears spilled out of his eyes and made his cheeks sting. His nose started to run and he put on a tiny smile. He looked into Chad’s eyes. When he realised that his fingers were still on his cheek, he pushed them away and stepped back. He gasped when the wet earth underneath him started to shift, pulling him into the water. He instinctively reached for Chad’s hand and inadvertently dragged him down with him.

Both were surrounded by pitch black. Noah closed his eyes, tears joining the lake water. Once the shock wore off, Chad looked up at the surface, which had a light he could just barely see. He wrapped one arm around Noah’s waist and when he did so, Noah opened his eyes as if waking from a nightmare. The two swam up together.

Loud gasps for breath echoed throughout the area. Chad hauled Noah onto land and Noah, in turn, pulled him up. They lied down, shivering, on the grass. They breathed heavily as they looked at the sky.

‘I think I should take you to a hospital,’ Chad suggested.

‘Why? I’m not injured.’

‘That’s good to hear. But, I mean, you’re still injured in the mind.’ Chad took his phone out of his pocket and tried to turn it on but the screen remained black. ‘Shit! So, I was on a website that said people who attempt suicide have to go to the hospital, even if they’re not physically hurt.’

‘So I can be shipped off to a madhouse and feel even worse?’

‘Not really. They’ll just check up on you and keep you safe for a night or two. Then we can find you a therapist.’

‘We?’

Chad’s eyes went all over the place. 'Well, yeah. Like I said, even if you don’t want to date me, we’re still a team. I won’t try to meddle too much since you know how that turned out, but you can always talk to me if you don’t like the therapist or whatever, and we can switch ‘em.’ He stood up and held out his hand. Noah hesitated but took it, and as soon as he stood up he started sobbing loudly into Chad’s chest. His shoulders relaxed when Chad put his arms around them and patted his head. 

The two walked like this, with Chad still holding Noah close and whispering words of encouragement into his ear. Chad helped Noah into the car and drove him to the hospital while Noah relayed to him the various reasons he attempted suicide. Chad knew most of this, but he listened anyway.

When the doctors took Noah away, Chad sat in the waiting room with knees that repeatedly bounced up and down. He looked around him and felt fear strike his heart when he noticed how plain and lifeless the white walls were. Was this the right environment for Noah?

This fear clawed at his heart for a good half hour until a doctor called out to him and took him to Noah’s ward.

‘You should feel proud,’ the doctor said.

Chad raised an eyebrow. ‘I’m supposed to be proud? What was I supposed to do? Let him die?’

The doctor chuckled. ‘I suppose you’re right.’

‘Am I really allowed to see him this early?’

‘He wanted to see you. He said he’d attempt suicide again if I didn’t let you in.’

Noah’s face was already fresher, though his eyes were still red and puffy. He gave Chad a small smirk.

‘Do I look sexier now in a blue gown?’

Chad sighed in relief. ‘Please don’t tempt me. You’re doing surprisingly well if you can joke like that.’

Noah scratched his cheek. ‘I thought about what you said and you were right. That forum just made me worse. I… I feel like a class-A moron.’ He let tears escape from his eyes.

‘You’re not a moron. You just got sucked into it.’

Noah wiped his eyes and raised his head at the doctor. ‘Uh, can Chad and I speak privately?’ The doctor nodded and closed the curtain. ‘Can you come here?' he asked Chad, who obliged. He held his arm up and, after a few seconds of curling up his fingers, cupped Chad’s cheek. 'Thank you for putting up with me.’

‘I’m not ‘putting up with you’. People don’t just ‘put up with’ the ‘people they love.’

Noah averted his gaze. ‘Love, huh?’

‘Uh, well, um, I meant… I meant to say ‘like’ but I just blurted out that word and I didn’t mean to come across as creepy or too forward or anything like that, uh, so…’

Noah choked out a laugh, his smile like that of someone who had been shot by an arrow that just missed a vital organ. He shifted his hand until it was under Chad’s chin, pulling him a tiny bit closer. 

‘Why’d it have to be a guy?’ he grumbled. ‘I never saw my future self liking, or loving, or… whatever... another guy.’

A big, dumb smile adorned Chad’s face. Noah slowly and tentatively pulled him even closer and brushed his lips against his. As he closed his eyes he initially envisioned smoke, but the image quickly evaporated. The kiss was fleeting, but it was enough for now.

11: 11th Post: I’m using a cope, sue me

Noah didn’t know what was worse, the obviously microwaved food, the uncomfortable bean bags or the creepy boy staring at him constantly from the other side of the room. He considered closing the curtain, but he wasn’t going to let that boy see him sweat. Not that it really mattered. Both he and this boy were there for the same reason.

It had been two weeks since Noah had been put in Silver Lining, and every day he cursed Chad’s name. However, after the first week, he had mixed his anger at Chad suggesting he go there with a flutter of anticipation. He told himself each night that he would see that stupid man soon if he put up with everything for just a few more days.

He was finally on his last day at the psychiatric hospital and his parents arrived to pick him up. His father spoke in hushed tones as if he was worried too much volume would shatter Noah like glass. His mother, on the other hand, complained about the hospital bills the entire trip home, interjecting her rants with questions to Noah about how he was feeling. Noah simply and without elaboration said that he was fine, each utterance of this answer more pointed in tone than the last.

When he went back to school, he held his breath. He had no idea who Chad had told about the suicide attempt, if anyone at all. 

No one looked his way, so he let go of his breath and searched the school for Chad, who smiled and waved before frowning and turning his head.

Chad repeated these motions in the classes they shared. And lunchtime. And after school. Noah felt his heart drop right to the ground like someone had tossed stones into it.

The next day rolled around and Noah walked up to Chad during lunch. He grabbed him by the arm and dragged him outside.

‘The fuck are you ignoring me for?’ he asked after getting him under the bleachers.

‘I wasn’t trying to ignore you!’ Chad exclaimed with his hands moving about. ‘I wanted to give you some space. I didn’t want a repeat of last time, what with me intruding on you and stuff.’

‘Wouldn’t refusing to talk to me at all make things worse?’

Chad blinked three times before silently making an O shape with his mouth. ‘Fair point,’ he said while rubbing his jaw and looking at the ground. Noah hitched his breath at the gesture, trying not to get too distracted. He put his hands in his pockets and sighed.

‘So, well, what exactly are we now?’

Chad let go of his jaw and grinned. ‘You still up for that? I started thinking you weren’t in the right frame of mind when you kissed me, so I was getting a little worried. Plus, I did a godawful job talking you out of suicide, so it’s a miracle it turned out okay. Oh, but you’ve still got more recovery to do, right? I should probably wait until-’

‘How long do you think that’s going to be?’ Noah yelled.

Chad flinched. ‘A few months?’

Noah groaned but lowered the volume of his voice. ‘It’s going to take me years and years. I don’t think I can wait that long. Hell, therapy might last my whole life.’

The O mouth returned to Chad’s face. ‘Okay, so, maybe we could, I dunno, take it slow?’

‘We’ve already done it. How slow could we possibly get?’

‘Well, um, we could just take it slow from now on. You know, go on a couple of dates every once in a while. No super big commitment.’

‘What, so you can go bang a bunch of foids?’ Noah blurted out before immediately covering his mouth. ‘Sorry,’ he said through the gaps in his fingers. ‘Just slipped out.’

Chad frowned for a moment before giving Noah a warm smile and placing his hand on his shoulder, massaging his neck with his thumb.

‘Slow and steady it is,’ he said. Noah moved his hands to the rest of his face and tittered, earning an even bigger smile from Chad. ‘So, secretive or not secretive? After what we’ve been through together, I don’t think I care what people think anymore.’

‘Maybe secretive for the first week.’

‘And then?’

‘And then I’ll have made up my mind. Maybe we’ll be open, maybe not.’

With a nod from Chad, the two grabbed each other’s hand and squeezed it before letting go and heading out from under the bleachers.

They passed Stacy crying as her friends berated her. Chad was about to try and rescue her when he saw Becky standing behind her with a hand massaging the crying girl’s shoulder.

Stacy wiped her tears away and told her now-ex friends in no uncertain terms, ‘Fuck off.’ When the girls left, she cried into Becky’s chest.

‘You’ll find some new friends,’ Becky said as she patted her girlfriend on the back. ‘I just know you will.’ She gave her a light kiss on the forehead and Stacy reciprocated with a kiss on the lips.

Upon seeing this display, Noah initially felt his hands clench into fists, but he then realised how close one of his hands was to Chad’s and grabbed it.

Chad beamed with the joy of a homeless person winning the lottery. ‘No secrets, then?’

Noah paused, then nodded. ‘I managed to get someone interested in me. Might as well show that off.’

Chad put a hand on his chest and feigned shock and horror. ‘I’m just a prize to you?’ He smirked and leaned down to Noah. ‘How much am I worth?’ Noah rolled his eyes but chuckled.

As they walked into the cafeteria, hand in hand, Tyrone started an oh so witty quip but remembered Chad’s treatment of him earlier and zipped out of the cafeteria.

During the weekend following two weeks, Noah watched Chad play football and then took him to his place. The laptop was back in its spot but the walls were still bare. The couple put all of Noah’s anime merchandise back in their original places along with the planes and the NFL poster. When Chad pulled out that poster, he rolled it and unrolled it multiple times as if expecting to see a different poster when he unrolled it. Noah laughed at this and Chad joined in.

While Chad sat on the bed waiting to watch anime with his boyfriend, Noah opened the laptop and went onto the incel forum. He moved his mouse over the delete account button and, following a deep breath, clicked it.