It was the summer after we graduated highshool. Each one of us had their heart set on a collage in a different city, so we knew it might be a long time before we are together again like we have been thought out school days. Realization slowly sank that we only have this one summer together and I knew one thing: we must do something unforgettable with it.  In our group of friends I was the one who instigated all the activities, I was the one who came up with crazy ideas, planed and organized our parties. Everybody would have to skip out on match when I wanted to go to the movies. So something like this could have only been born in my head- going on a summer long road trip to every abandoned location in the country and looking for ghosts and signs of paranormal activity.

I began planning this sometime around Christmas but didn’t tell my friends until after graduation exams were over. I wasn’t sure the others would agree to this idea and for the first time in my life I was ready to drop it if no one felt like doing it. Normally I’d keep pushing whatever I wanted to do until we did it. First Lenny refused because she lived out in the country ,outside of town, and summer was the season when there was a lot of work to do. Then Darcy refused because she had a job she sighed up to do and was starting in few days. I began to think the road trip was not going to happen- Lenny was one of the two people in our group that had a driver’s license. I began to think we would spend the summer meeting in the mall and going to the beach and the movies like usual.

When I brought it up to Eli she seemed interested in the road trip part. She asked if her boyfriend Darren could come along. I figured having a man would provide some safety. While had was skinny looking but he worked in a warehouse and I’ve seen him lift heavy crates on several occasions. Out of all the guys Eli dated in her life I liked Darren the best. He seemed more like he was one of her brothers more than a boyfriend.  The two looked like family: same blond hair, light blue and light grey eyes. He looked incredibly similar to Eli’s younger brother Adrian, same curved shape of the nose. Around him I could relax, he didn’t give me bad vibes like the others. She dated many guys but they were all not right somehow. One turned out to be an obsessive psycho who locked her in his bedroom and threatened to commit suicide if she broke up with him him.  Most others were just perverts who lost interest after a third date when they  realized she wasn’t going to sleep with them.

Eli was my childhood friend and my best friend. When we younger I practically live at her house. We knew eachtoher enough to finish eachtoher sentences. So the idea of going ghost hunting wasn’t a big shock to her. I did have to do some explaining and convincing with Darren but he agreed. He was the second person with the drivers’ license in our group.  Eli insisted on bringing her younger brother Adrian along since her mother and older brother were going away to a sanatorium for a month. Her older brother was sick since he was born and didn’t attend school.  Adrian was fourteen and a problem child who got kicked out of elementary school for stealing a mobile phone, then got caught because he took it to school the next day as his own. He was bad since he was little. Eli was perhaps the only person he really listened to, and he never truly listened to anybody.  Leaving him alone for a month was not an option and with the three of us managing him was a possibility. I knew Eli would not go if she could not bring him.

 I never like Adrian much. He was a brat in the worst ways. No one ever spoiled him but he was somehow spoiled rotten still. Whenever he didn’t  get what he wanted he would throw violent temper tantrums and tried to beat people up. He would sometimes steal things but he was never clever or subtle about it and would get caught which just got his mother into more trouble. She was not a bad parent, she tried to manage him but he was just impossible to manage. No matter how much Eli insisted he had gotten better I would still see him as the same two year old boy who would great people who entered the apartment by trying to stab them with a kitchen knife. He was always evil, since the day he was born probably. That kid was like the devil to me, compared to his sister who was a pure angel.

The car I had in mind for this trip belonged to the father of my father. He had a van he used to transport logs or chickens, or building material whatever was needed. He helped out in constructions repairs and whatever else. He had recently bought a new but used van. I made up a lie about going across the country to visit all the colleges and universities to make a final decision on where we all want to study. He said we can take the old one once he is done fixing it up. This gave us some time to prepare.

I made a list of places to visit and ranked them based on how close they were and how much ghost activity was reported in them. Not that I really expected to find any ghosts. This was just some stupid but fun thing to do with friends. Regardless I still got some equipment: a cheap camera for filming, some recorders, and EVP detector. No Ouija boards or anything like that. My excuse was that we were trying to find ghosts not summon them and the Ouija board had a chance of summing a demon more than contacting a spirit.

In the week grandpa was fixing the van, Eli passed her driver’s license tests, giving us a second driver. We decided to paint he van since it was white with scratched off paint and rust. At first the idea was to get some cool looking graffiti but something like that standing outside an abandoned place would just look suspicious so we ended up painting a greyish blue.  We spray painted it ourselves to save money.  We got everyone, even the people who were staying home to come and sigh on the side. It was the evening before leaving that we sat down and had a little good-bye party.  Adrian was the one who came up with the idea that we need a name.

“If we’re gonna have a name it’s going to be cool” I said

“Like ghost hunters?” Adrian said

“I’m sure that one is taken already.”

“Paranormal explorers.” Lenny said.

“How about Ghost Raiders” it sounded cool in my head.

“Like the movie?” Eli was skeptical.

“No, that’s Ghost Rider. Ghost Raiders like in Raid. As in we’re going to raid to those buildings that are haunted, cuz we’re hardcore.” I explained.

“Ohh.”

“If no one has any other offers, I say let’s keep it”

“Sure, why not” Darren agreed.

“That’s cool” Lenny agreed

“Yeah” Darcy agreed too.

So we ended up spray painting that above the spot where we signed our names.

 The next morning after breakfast we set off on the road.  Darren was at the driver seat, me and Eli siting on the long passenger seat upfront. There were no seats in the back. The space was empty for transporting cargo. We put in an inflatable mattress in there to sleep on and attached some crates where be put in food and large 5 liter canisters of drinking were. Fresh from my grandparents well. We also made sure to get two spare tires, some first aid stuff and repair tools for the car. Adrian, who had a problem waking up earlier than 3 p.m. was asleep in the back. We also packed a tent and some sleeping bags. Some locations as I examined them with “Google map” were far from any path or road so we might have to leave the van and walk to them.

 

We had decided to do a test run and drove to a town near our home town. It was about a half an hour drive away. An old rehabilitation sanatorium was closed down and left abandoned just a couple years back.  It was just outside the city in the pine forest. We spent the night inside the place, walked around took some photos, filmed a bit, recorded some absolute silence and caught a radio station on the EVP detector. Adrian put on a monster mask and tried to scare us. We got scared by some bird that woke up from our flashlights and later by a cat that knocked something over. It was a black cat but none of us were superstitious since our friend Darcy was the proud owner of a black and it had crossed our paths more than once whenever we came to visit. We played some card games and went back to the car to sleep around three in the morning.  It was a fun but otherwise uneventful night.

In the morning we were having coffee in the local bakery. I asked some teens about local legends. One said it was something his grandparents told him. Out of town by the train tracks that used to be a school and somewhere around was an area where during WWII the Nazis brought and killed Jewish people. He claimed that at night you can hear the gunshots. His grandparents used to graze their cows in that field and early in the mornings would go to milk the cows and passed that old school.

I was skeptical but we needed to find something. Not sleeping at night and doing goofy fun things was alright but I realized it was going to get old fast and we might be turning around by the end of the week.  We found and old windowless two story building made from cement bricks by the train tracks.  It was hard to tell what original purpose it served.  We had spent the day in town, and went to the beach. Took a nap in the van then around midnight went in.  We didn’t hear any gunshots but a train drove right by several times at night. Nothing showed up on camera or EVP.  We were tired so we went to sleep. In the morning we listened to the audio recorder, we would turn in on and off at random intervals for short amounts of time to conserve battery. Me and Darren were in the van while Adrian was still asleep, Eli was outside heating water for coffee on a portable burner we brought. I decided to listen to the recordings and delete them after if nothing came up since the recorder had limited memory space. It was the last one, the very last recording. Adrian was being whiny because he wanted to record something too and just took the recorder, just as a train was going by. I don’t know why I didn’t delete it on the spot; it was just a minute long recording of a train going by. So I thought.  At the very end of it after the train was gone there was something. I had to put on my headphones on and even then it was so faint. Like something popping but barely audible. I gave Darren a listen.

“Doesn’t it sound a bit like gunshots?” he said.

“But we were there, and I didn’t hear it.” I said

“Neither did I, but the recorder picked it up.”

We listened to it again after uploading it to my laptop and enhancing the volume.

“I sounds a bit like a fart” Eli said making us laugh.

But the laughter died down soon. Every time I listened to it I got goosebumbs on my skin.  And when I looked at Darren I could see the hair on his arm was standing up as if from a chill.

This was it, this was something. Nothing concrete but definitely strange enough. There was a chance we could encounter something like it again if we continued the trip.

I had been around abandoned since childhood. In the  neighborhood across from Eli’s was this old abandoned manor like building. We were in elementary school so around eight years old. We would go inside and scale up the wall to play.  It wasn’t a scary place, just empty- no furniture, no people. But what got me interested in it was a rumor I heard the teens at school talking about. They were drinking beer in the basement illegally since all them were under aged and then decided to play hide and seek. On guy claimed he saw a cow walking thought the wall of the house. He was drunk so no one believed him. But the strange thing was that one day while walking around the meadow in the back Eli tripped over something.  And we noticed a horn sticking out of the ground. We got sticks and poked and dug the ground. Attached to the horn was a skull of a cow, it still had some flesh on it and maggots so we didn’t poke it any further. The skull was right next to the wall of the house. It always left me wandering if a ghost cow was true or if the guy just saw the skull and made it up.  We never went to the basement, it was pitch black and if any of us left the house with a flash light we would have been in so much trouble. But since then I was interested in stories like this. Then some time later the house got renovated and made into a store that sells paint and other building supplies. Somehow I never got the guts to go in there and ask if they saw a ghost cow wandering around the place.

2: The first encounter

July 15th

School ended on June 23rd, Monday, we left a week later. We had been to many other places at this point.  Most of them were just old buildings. Nothing happened for so long we starting to think about going home. We visited a school, a hospital, some old apartment building, and several factories. Nothing came up neither on camera or audio recording and I never picked up anything on the EVP thing. I t was just one boring night after the other. 

We were staying at a factory. There were no machines or anything like that left. Just walls with graffiti and empty rooms. We figured factories like this might be haunted by some worker that died in an accident or something like that.  It was a hot night, but air in the abandoned building was cold. The old walls absorbed moisture and cold like a sponge even heat couldn’t completely drive it out. Eli and Darren were whispering about something, sitting together and the floor in the upper story.  Adrian was god knows where. I felt strangely empty and disappointed in this whole thing. I never expected to find any ghosts but I imagined like it would be more exiting, more fun. But it was just like any other meet up or sleep over we had. It was fun for a bit and then everybody went off to do their own thing separately when were supposed to do things together.  Like when we went to the movies and some stats playing games on their phone or just go to the very back behind everyone and start having their own private conversations or just leave. No, when i say we are going to the movies, I expect to actually watch the movie and everyone to have time doing it. For once I wish that was the case: all of us together doing that one thing and enjoying it, just once.

Something crashes downstairs- first floor from the sound of it. I don’t immediately register it. I start getting up when I see Eli and Darren mowing to the stair well.  I don’t want to go. My body feels heavy, I want to sleep. Eli is of course worried about her brother. For all I care he could fall in a hole and stay there. But if he actually got himself injured or killed one: the trip would be over and everyone finds out about this, two: Eli would blame me and never forgive me.  Both are bad.

I don’t know what could have crashed; there is nothing that could make a sound like that. Like wood breaking against the floor. There are some old planks and boards. Some cans, but it was not the sound of kicked can. No one is there.  I figured Adrian was trying to spook us again.  However the building had no doors and all the windows were empty, this place had like over a dozen different points of entry. So at any point another person could have entered and if the brat was all by himself somewhere he could get attacked.

“We have to find my brother.” Eli said.

“It’s 2 A.M. now. When you saw him last?” I asked looking at my phone.

“I think it was about 11:30 when he said he was going to get something to drink from the van. “ Darren said

“He was gone for two hours? It felt like he left minutes ago” Eli just realized this.

Maybe to them in their own little world it did feel like minutes. I was painfully aware of how slowly the time passed. They didn’t seem like they wanted to include me in their conversation so I stayed out of it, sitting a good distance away and trying to sleep sitting on the cold hard floor. But sleep failed to take me and it just sat there in a daze somewhere between sleep and reality.

“Let’s split up” Eli suggested

“Bad idea.” I said.

“ If there are other people here we would be safer in a group.” Darren agreed.

“Shouldn’t we just call him? We can find him by his phone ringer.” He added.

Eli dialed his phone but quickly put phone down.

“The person cannot be reached. “ She said

“Shit. You know this is turning into a typical horror movie situation. “I joked.

“He probably just forgot to charge his battery. Might be asleep in some other room.” Eli said.

“Yeah, he probably is.” I said.

This isn’t a horror movie, so we don’t have to worry about being hunted thought the dark hallways by some monster thing.  Sometimes I wished it was. Something impossible like that happening would definitely be more exciting than this scenario- we find her brother asleep in some room safe and sound and nothing scary ever happens. But this is real life so that is exactly what will happen. Whenever it seems like something scary or bad will happen it always turns out to be no big deal, everything is fine – happy ending. It’s boring. As we walked thought the building with our flashlights looking for Adrian i wished something jumped out at us like in the horror movies. Nothing did.

 

 

While Eli and Darren were calling out Adrian’s name, they weren’t shouting just saying it in a normal like way, but in absolute silence that surrounded the place I’m sure it could still be heard  on the other side of the factory, I was wondering what made that noise. It didn’t look like anything fell or broke, but something crashed.  Maybe it was outside, this place echoes like crazy after all, we might have just misheard from what direction it came. I got worried thinking about the van. There are no people here, no one lives near here, we would probably hear a car if it was coming down the dusty road and if we didn’t hear it in the dark we would see the lights for sure. The side of the building is facing the road, just one look to the right thought the glassless windows.  The possibility of someone ramming into the van still unsettled me. We left in the factory parking lot away from factory itself it like a ten minute walk across a field.

I hear it again, quieter. “Crash”. Only this time I recognized the sound.  It was a door. I shone my light and sure enough it was an old door. It looked like it might fall of the hinges anytime; it didn’t close properly and was leaning into the room. I don’t think I’ve seen a single door in this place, that’s why my mind was so boggled by the sound at first. A door can’t small in a place with no door.  Eli and Darren turned around looking at why I stopped. The tree of us in that moment were completely motionless and just as Eli was about to open her mouth, I put a finger to mine.

“Shhh. Listen”

Thud. Thud. Thud. Rhythmical, moving. Thud. Coming from the darkness. The doors lead into a stair well which lead to probably the basement.  They stopped and listened then moved closer to me.

“I think someone is down there.” I said.

“And the crash was the door slamming in the wind.”

“Think Adrian is going to try scare us?” Darren asked Eli.

“He is so in trouble.” She said clearly tired and fed up with this.

It was somewhere around 3 A.M... We had been doing this almost nightly and we were all tired and on edge, trying to stay awake, sense of reality slowly drifting away.

We went down, shining out flashlights to every corner. I don’t know what the room was used for but it was very small. Some pipes, an old rusty thing that might have been a boiler or some engine, I don’t know. There was another even smaller room, like a supply closet but since there was no door no one could hide in there.  The three of us stood there looking around – alone.  Ten it sank in.

“There is no one here.” Darren said.

“But you heard it too, right?”  I asked

“Someone was walking down here.” Eli said sounding sure.

“Walking, here in pitch black, without a flashlight.” I said.

The room was so small there was nowhere to hide. And if another person was here in the we would have seen them or their flashlight in the dark.  Just then the door slammed again and we bolted upstairs out of there. We found Adrian asleep in the van.

In the morning we went back there. I tried filming and recording in the small basement room.  Nothing turned up on camera and the recorder only recorded silence.

“I think there might have been someone walking above us.” Darren said

“We just misheard it like it was coming from down there.”

It could have indeed been a homeless parson, we didn’t check every room in the building exactly but I was pretty certain I heard it coming from down and not from up.   This was definitely something out of the ordinary. 

We left the place and went to a nearby town to do some sightseeing and get a good night sleep. But it still bothered me. Was it really a ghost or a homeless person was really on the second floor and we never even noticed. There were no local stories about the factory, nothing about anyone being found dead there or any accidents – no reason for it to be haunted. Or maybe something happened and no one ever found out. It was strange, a lot more than some obscure gunshot sounding noise on the recorder but just like the recording this had a million different ways to explain it.

3: The Hospital Incident

July 17-19th

We took a break from ghost hunting. The sleep during day and stay awake all night pattern was getting to our health and our nerves. Everyone was tired, Eli and me both stated having digestion problems. Feeling drained and getting into arguments over pointless things, forgetting where we put things and just generally having no energy to do anything.

During our school days we had several parties like that. Private ones. Staying up all night watching horror films on Halloween, Christmas movies on Christmas, action flicks, playing video games or board games, because 4 A.M is as good a time as any to play Monopoly. Then we would just sit and talk until we woke up few hours later I the same spot unable to remember how we fell asleep. We didn’t drink alcohol, we were under aged, but my parents always had some stuff around the place – we could have gotten drunk if we wanted, we just never did.   The entire day after would feel like a dream- not real. No matter how much caffeine you consume it doesn’t help to clear the head. I tried sleeping through the day but one of two things happens: either I’m too tired to sleep, yes it possible, or I sleep for a short while and then at night I don’t want to sleep anymore and the pattern continues. So I would wait out the days to go back to the normal sleeping pattern.   I would clean up after everyone left, no one ever stayed to help me but it’s not like they were mean or anything. One moment we are sitting down and having breakfast and talking and the next two hours have gone by and my friends have to run to catch the bus or their parents are here already to pick them up.

It was those moments, after a party, after a sleepless night, after everyone left and all my energy was spent on cleaning, after all that everything would just feel empty. It would feel like that party, the events that took place leading up to it, even my friends – it wasn’t real. All of that was just a dream and I just woke up from it and there is nothing beyond the apartment –even the foggy view of the block outside the window is fake. I would lie down and stare at the ceiling for hours and the emptiness would feel like it was the only real thing. Lately I’ve been feeling like that a lot. But then again we have been spending a lot of nights staying awake lately.

The town was nice, small, and simple. A nice red brick church, old fashioned people. Something I noticed about the small towns as we visited quite a few- they got red brick neo gothic churches and they all look amazing.  You won’t see something like that in cities that’s for sure. Old wooden houses, some with straw roofs still painted brightly yellow or light green or other bright colour or just plain mossy wooden planks. It’s like a past century that never quite passed. 

Eli decided to go to the church and climb to the bell tower; they let people in for a fee. The three of them ended up going. I sat on the bench and looked up at the church tower. Somehow I never felt like going into a church, unless I absolutely had to, never enjoyed being inside one even when I did. Eli asked if I was still scared of heights.

“Of course I’m not. You know that, you were there. I just really don’t feel like climbing all those tiny steps to the tower.”

I used to be scared of heights for a long time.  Eli on the other hand loved high places almost like a cat.  I could climb up a wall a floor up and not be scared, no, I was scared of the really high heights.  Ever since I was little. My grandparents live in nine story block of flats; their apartment was on the eighth floor.  They had a balcony, an old one that had no windows it was open, pigeons would fly in and crap on the floor, the railing was concrete with some wooden boards on top.  If I stood on my toes I could see a bit tough the gaps and as I got taller I could see more. I could not stand in that balcony for more than a minute and I would not go there unless I absolutely had to.  The floor looked so old and the railing too, like it would fall apart any moment. My grandparents seemed to use it without any care. Of course this fear was silly, my granddad was a heavy man and if the thing could hold him then I had nothing to fear.

I got over this fear thanks to Eli. I think I was twelve then. It was spring but for that one day it went back to being winter. It snowed out of nowhere and it turned into a blizzard. So the most sensible thing to in this situation was of course – get up on the highest roof in the neighborhood.  It was twelve story building, one where Eli used to live before she moved to my neighborhood.  I was against it but I was also afraid she would leave me and I wasn’t sure I remembered how to get back- we walked all the way. So I tagged along almost certain I would fall off and die because of the snow.  But then I got to the roof and the first thing I saw was the sky. All around us grey storm clouds and a raging blizzard but above us there was patch of clear sky. Pinkish because the sun was supposed to be setting, but in the blizzard you can’t really see that.  It was so beautiful I forgot to be scared. I could see the small buildings all covered in snow, the cars and the people looking so tiny. I don’t know why I was so scared of something so amazing.  After that we would sometimes have picnics on the roof until they placed a modern lock on the hatch and we couldn’t get up there anymore.

 

Just remembering it makes me feel happy. Those wonderful days when it was just the two us and spent most of our time together.  We didn’t need other people- we had eachtoher. Sometimes I wish it was like that again.  Somehow things changed as time went on – she changed. At some point she started needing other people like just me was no longer enough? I never needed people. But it seemed to make her happy so I went along with it. She made friends easily. For so many years we were each other’s only friend, I don’t know why it had to change but somehow I ended up stuck with friends I didn’t want. I don’t know what those people see in me, but they always make time in their day to hang out with me, they come to all my parties and look incredibly bored but then come to next one anyways. I know they don’t come for the free food – because they always bring pizza. And while this whole arrangement still amazes me sometimes I find that I’m ok with having more than one friend. I guess it’s part of growing up.

Eli is taking forever to get back, or so it seems, because time always moves incredibly slow when you wait.  I feel happy, tired and a little empty inside but those feelings are somewhere far in the back. I look around; I look at people walking around on their daily business. I see something out of the corner of my eye. Someone I know. I turn to look thinking who I saw. There is no one there. Empty space. I must have imagined it. But I was certain I saw a familiar face, but whose I don’t know.  I hear a bird I’ve never heard before and I decide to record it. Eli knows a lot of birds and their songs; maybe she can tell what it is.

We are done resting and set out to the next location in the evening.  This one was in a city for a change. Several rumored to be haunted places were in the same city so we decided to spend some time there.  While on the road I gave Eli a listen to the bird.

“That’s not a bird” she said removing her head phones.

“What do you mean?”

“Listen “she said.

I put the headphones in. Silence, then the wind, then some distant bird chirping and a loud sigh. Like someone breathing out loudly thought their mouth.

“What the hell!”

I don’t think I breathed that loudly and I don’t recall anyone being close enough to me for the recorder to pick it up.

“You breathed into the recorder.” Eli said.

“I don’t know, maybe.”

I held it above my head, but maybe while I was lifting my arm past my face. Not sure what to make of this and too tired to argue.  Besides we had more exciting things to look forward to.

We had picked out several locations in the city. One of them was a popular suicide spot, another was an insane asylum from 18th century. Needless to say I was most exited for the asylum. There were so many storied about the place and how it was haunted.

We could not get on of the places. It was in the middle of city Centre, next to the two busiest streets and a large shopping mall. It had tall concrete fence around it and we were almost ready to climb it but the Darren saw the security cameras. No way was getting in. 

So went to the asylum and it was boring. Nothing happened, we did all the things the stories said, knocked on walls in specific rooms, shouted frazes that were supposed  to make the ghost do something. The whole thing was just a place and the stories were just made up.  That night in the factory was ten times scarier and the factory didn’t have any ghost stories about it.

I wasn’t even sure about the other locations after this. But when we went to and abandoned movie there we decided to watch horror films there. Some other kids showed up and we hung out a bit. They told us about a place that was not on our list but was supposedly really scary at night. They also cleared up some stuff about the psychiatric hospital being just a place where you went to see a doctor but no actual patients were kept there but the whole concept was blown out of proportion by not knowing the difference and calling it an asylum.

This hospital was outside of town and around it somewhere were world war two bunkers, ten or so kilometers away. We decided to have a look at the place. He didn’t go into detail but the guy said the place was dangerous and we should stay out of the morgue.  Since he didn’t feel like talking about the place I was skeptical, but he really seemed to believe there was something there, just didn’t want to talk about it.

It started like usual. We parked the van further away, took some food and drinks and went in.  We got there during light hours because we wanted to get a feel of the place and know the layout so it would be easier to find the way in the dark.  The place was eerie en in the light.

Still some old stuff around. Cabinets, IV tubes, needles on the floor, carpets –stained and moldy but they absorb the sound of footsteps completely.  Picture frame without a picture on the wall, some obscene graffiti on the framed wall.  We looked for the morgue, obviously. From what I understand the morgue is usually in the basement but found no stair way going down or signs of there ever being one.  We searched the first floor but found nothing like a morgue just regular rooms. I began to wonder if we were in the wrong place. But there were no other building around. Maybe the guy just made it up.

It had gotten dark not night yet but dark. We were tired from walking in circles around the place.  We picked a room with a bordered up window and set some candles down to conserve the battery power of the flashlights.  I had a suspicion that those guys from before might be coming here tonight to scare us or something.  We got some blankets and just sat there waiting. But then I wanted to go to the bathroom and remembered we forgo the toilet paper. So I went back to the van. Walking back I gave the house another look- two story, very long old looking, curves into an “L” shape. L shape, wait what?! Just then it hit me that was part of the house we have not found a way to get into to. It’s like there was no entrance to it from anywhere, maybe they sealed it off for reasons. I would have bet anything that where the morgue was.  And when I went back inside and took the stairs on the on the right instead of the left because I was certain they just looped in the one hall way. I walked a bit thinking that but when I saw a branching hall and a double door into a hall and haven’t seen anything like this yet I felt so stupid.  Here I was breaking my head over how to get there and It was as simple as taking the other stairs.

I told them about it and we laughed but decided to check it out. While the side were on was more lit, more open windows, the other part of the building was nearly all boarded up. There was even something like an old reception desk in “c” shape where the nurses would be on watch. And this wide area branched four deferent ways, each hidden by a corner so you could not immediate see down the hall. By this time night had fallen. It around midnight.

We had not explored this side during day time so we didn’t know what was there and we would not notice anything out of place.  As we walked around shining our lights into each room I nearly got a heart attack  because of a large mirror the reflected my light and blinded me so we all thought for a moment a person was there with us.

“What kind of idiot leave a full length mirror in the door way?” I said.

“It’s a good way to scare people” Adrian said.

“Yeah I know.”

“It looks like something someone brought from home, not a hospital type mirror.” I said.

The wooden frame was decorated with carvings and old.

“Maybe someone threw it away and a homeless parson brought it here.” Eli said.

“Why would you need a mirror when you’re homeless?”

“Shaving?” Darren guessed.

“Who knows?”

We walked around, found no signs of anyone currently living here.  And eventually we found the stairs to the first floor, the part of it we have not been to.   At the time we did not consider that to get out of there we will need to go back up and cross the entire second floor back to the stairs. 

We found a stair way down on the first floor. We also found the kitchens and a small cafeteria. Some old pots were still there. One stood on a wooden cabinet. Just as were about to go down to where I believed the morgue was we heard a crash coming from the kitchen direction. And that sound could be described as metal hitting the ground.  We all jumped at that. Not sure if go back and look or run because someone might be in here with us.

“Guys, think it’s those people from last night.” I whispered.

“I think they want to scare us. So let’s hide in the basement and scared them instead. They must have heard us talking so they know we are close.”

It sounded like fun at the time. We went down as silently as we could. Almost immediate as we got of the stairs it was strange.  The flash lights started going dim or blinking.

“What the F.” Adrian said.

“Did you get the cheap batteries again?” I asked Eli.

“No, we just put in new ones like two hours ago, they should not be used up yet. “

“Wait, I think it might be Morse code, I saw it in a video.” Adrian said.

“Shut up and stop messing with the flashlight before you break it.” I got mad at him.

“I’m not messing with it.” He said.

“No? You already broke it.”

“Keep yelling and they will find us. “ Eli said.

Soon after we found the morgue. The floor and walls were mostly tiles and there were those old metallic doors on the wall. The flashlights refused to work any further and just blacked out both at once.  For a moment we were in total darkness before pulling out our phones. Adrian was behind me and I looked back when I heard him move. He pulled away from us like burned or something.

“Something just touched me.”

“You must have bumped into one of us in the dark.

“No it was from behind, no one was standing behind me.”

He looked really frightened.

“Let’s get out of here.” He said.

“Go if you want.” I said.

Adrian’s flash light suddenly turned on and he dropped it. The thing just lay on the ground not touched by anything and flickered for a good ten minutes before going black again. I decided to film it for a bit.  Then Darren decided to act all weird . He turned to the door and stared at it.

“I think I hear footsteps outside. Might be those guys. “

“I don’t hear anything.”

We all listened- silence. I even held my breath.

“I swear I heard walking”

“Did anyone else hear it?” I asked

“Nothing” Eli said.

“Nope”

“Now if you had said you hear the laughter of children that would be something.” I joked.

We waited for a little bit longer but nothing happened. So we left. The moment we got out of the basement our flashlights came back on in full brightness. As we passed the kitchen the pot was still where we saw it, nothing fell. It was definitely strange. No one was in the house besides us so it seemed.

We later checked the flashlight for anything meaningful in Morse code but it didn’t seem to spell anything out. But a well-timed malfunction made for a good scare. Walking back all the way we were on edge looking back as if something might be following us. 

It was around four in the morning we got back to the van and went to sleep. I was and uneasy sleep for me full of dreams  I could not recall when I awoke but the feeling of sorrow as well as dread remained long after.

4: The House in the Woods

July 20-23

So after the hospital we decided to check out the military bunkers, one was about 10 km from the hospital.   We found it but it was caved in and partially flooded.  So we had hiked thought the open fields for hours for nothing. It was too dark to start marching back. We had brought tents and other stuff for camping.  We began to set everything up. Not sure if it’s legal to camp in the area, but we made a campfire. We  cooked some marshmallows and went to sleep. Me and Eli in one tent and the boys in the other. I have slept in a tent before and it was surprisingly comfortable, but not this time. It could not have been later than eleven when we went to bed. I woke up around four feeling cold, more tired than before and like someone had beaten me all over with a baseball bat. I could not think clearly- too early for that.  I got out of the tent, Eli sound asleep.  I unzipped my sleeping bag and wrapped it around myself like a blanket. I slept with my clothes on , but still felt frozen. The embers in the camp fire were still glowing. I looked around for something to use as tinder.

It was starting to dawn, slightly fogy, and forest on the distance. Then I saw a flock of deer in the mist. It was strange, seeing them from quite close. They ate the dry grass, a few were looking around, and then they just hopped away. It reminded me of something that happened while we kids. I think because it was the last time I saw flock of deer like this.

My dad’s parents live out in the middle of nowhere by the river. It was an hour ride by car, from the town just straight ahead then into a dirt road and just follow the river. Easy to find for a place that’s far from any civilization. So not surprising that I thought we could walk there. I think I was twelve back then. It was early spring, so it got dark fast. There wasn’t any snow but it was still cold. It was afternoon when we left. We followed the road outside of town for a while. Of course since it was a spontaneous decision made by kids our parents knew nothing of it and we didn’t have mobile phones like today, because nobody would buy those for kids. So after walking half way along the road, I got another brilliant idea- cut thought the fields to get there faster.  The fields stretched on for as far the eyes could see but I knew if we walked straight we would reach the river eventually. What I did not account for were the many canals used to drain the fields during the floods. They were all over the place and they were full of water. So we ended up walking around  most of them. But sometimes we had to walk back for a while to the left and then back around. It was not a straight line. We jumped over a few of them, but some were too wide.  We were halfway across the field, sweaty and tired from walking with no way to get home fast and no one knowing that we are here.  It was then things began to sink in. I realized we were lost because I didn’t see anything that looked familiar and I had no idea if :we have not reached grandma’s house  yet or we have walked passed it a long time ago, because of all the shifting in direction we did to bypass the canals. It was getting dark. I said nothing for a while but then we saw the deer. There was a flock of them in the fields and the mist was rising of the river. And that’s when I really panicked; I know it’s a strange thing to do when you see deer.

“If there are deer, there must be things that eat them.” I blurted out.

I remember grandmother telling me about the foxes that come out into the field when their holes in the river sides get flooded. Foxes that spread rabies and ate several of grandma’s cats. Wild dogs that I could hear fighting with  grandma’s dog sometimes at night  when spent m summers there. But in my mind they were more like wolves.  To me the presence of deer meant the presence of the predators that hunt them and might hunt us. For a while both just cried hugging eachtoher in the middle of the fields. Crying and wishing we were magically teleported home, but it didn’t happen.

 I realized I got us into this, and that we might die here and no one would know where we are. So I just held Eli by the hand and we kept walking towards the river that I knew was there.  I knew there was a dirt road by the river that lead to a small settlement and then even further a town. I had not been past the settlement, tough.  We have reached the road and some fancy looking mansion house with lots of cars outside. We looked through the gate bars. Probably some party going on. I have never seen or heard of a place like this close to grandmothers. We must have been far far off. I thought about asking the people there for a phone but then we heard someone in the house scream and two large dogs came barking to the gate  we ran.  Eventually we did make it to grandmothers but must it have been around midnight.

Grandfather drove us back. Mom was furious. Elis mom was furious. I was not allowed to see Eli for a long time or to go outside by myself. I was no longer welcome at Eli’s place either.  I used to practically live at her place until this. It felt like I had lost  all of my homes at once. Mom was always angry, not just because of this. She had been this way ever since grandmother, her mother, died, two years back. It felt like everything that I had until now was drifting away from me: my family, my home. Eli, my only friend was the only thing I could cling to.

 

I shivered feeling cold. I felt sick suddenly. The deer were gone. I was lost in the memories for longer than I thought because the sun was halfway into the sky now. The realization struck me that seven years later I was still doing the same thing- putting all of us in danger. Why? I couldn’t say. It’s not like I want to lose the people I care for, it’s not like I want them to get hurt. But it’s not like I want to march into all of this alone either. I guess I’m just selfish and stupid, because instead of telling them how much they mean to me I push them into danger. But this is why I know I have the best friends, because they go with me regardless.

 

The others woke up and we walked back to the van. Something felt off, but I couldn’t say what. Maybe it was the lack of sleep. We took the van back into the city. Getting some supplies while we could. The bunker plan failed but we had a different location in mind for the next one. An old school. From pictures we found online there were still desks and chairs and stuff left behind. But the school was not the only thing in the area.  Around it were several houses, part of a neighborhood that was now abandoned. I figured we could maybe film a short film there- something scary.

While shopping for supplies we took the bus back to the car since Darren was getting it filled with gas in a different part of town.  It was the strangest thing, when we were about to get in I saw my grandmother. My dead grandmother. Sitting there in the bus, for just a second. Of course the woman actually sitting in the seat looked nothing grandmother. It was strange, she died seven years ago and I haven’t thought about her in a very long time. Seeing her like this was more than strange.  I told Eli about it.

“I remember your grandmother, she was so nice. She would always offer me food when I came to visit, even when you weren’t home.” She said

“Yeah, she was nice.”

After she died I realized I never really knew anything about her aside from her being nice. She always listened to my stupid made up stories and never said anything, she bought ne toys and candy but who was she as a person- I never really knew. When you’re a kid you don’t think about it like that, you don’t see people as well people, they are just someone who does what you want them to or yells at you and you expect them to just be there forever.  After grandma died I realized that was not the case.

 

I thought it would be fun to explore an abandoned area that was not just one house but a whole neighborhood. We found the town no problem but that’s when the problems began. It took us about four hours longer to get there so we arrived when it was getting dark. Then we followed the instructions but ended up going back to the same place. We were driving in circles around the town trying to find the turn we were supposed to take to get to the abandoned part. It was like it didn’t exist. And just as we were doing the final circle around town, planning to go get room at a hostel for the night we found ourselves on a path that we have not seen before and no idea how we got there.  We were tired and started to argue, Darren got distracted and must have taken a deferent turn by accident. Now we were on a dirt path in the wood with no idea how we got there exactly. As we decided to go forward, after about forty minutes the headlights fell on a building.  It was a rickety old shack in the middle of the wood, looking like a murder house from a horror movie. Normally I would be the first to explore such a place, but something felt off, maybe because I was tired, disappointed and just wanted some rest. But I felt like ice-cold water down my spine just from looking at the house.

We backed away and got back to the road. We parked on the entrance to the dirt road, since parking on the road on an uphill turn was not an option. Sleeping in the woods, even in the wan, even when the house was far behind us , it felt uncomfortable somehow.

Eli woke me up. It was still dark and she had a flashlight out.  At first I thought she was afraid to go to the bathroom alone but I soon noticed Darren was up too. I noticed the numbers on her electronic watch – 2:15.

“Adrian’s missing.” She said.

“What again? Bathroom maybe?” I wanted to go back to sleep.

“ I woke up and he wasn’t there. It’s been an hour and the toilet paper is still here. And  I can’t call him on his phone because he is out of signal range.”She said. 

My mind began to race. Maybe he went back to town for something. No that can’t be it. Small town stores close really early and  I doubt he would try to talk some local drunk into buying him alcohol from a 24h store, not even sure this town has one, even he isn’t that stupid.

“Flashlight?” was my next question.

“All four are here.”

There is only the road for cars so he went in the dark he might have gotten into an accident. No, was certain he didn’t do to the town. Besides he could just use his phone for light.

“The house.” I said, somehow I just felt it- if we go there we will find him.

 

 

We decided to walk to the shack. It took us a one and a half hours to get there. Eli insisted on leaving the van in case he came back so he wouldn’t think we left without him.

In the woods at night, it was creepy. Darkness all around only our flashlights to light the path. Eli tried calling him a few more times.  My phone got good reception but when she used to call Adrian it was the same “ person can’t be reached” message.

“Maybe he switched it off.” I said.

“He probably forgot to charge the thing, he always does.”

We were at the house.  It was a two story wooden house with a stone foundation. Paint, if there was any had peeled off ages ago.  We walked up to the entrance, climbing the narrow wooden steps to the door. It was open.  Darren went in first. the whole house was creaking, like it would come down on top of us. We walked carefully, dispersing thought the room so the weight of all of us was no concentrated in one place.  There weren’t many room. And they were all small. We went to the second floor. I was beginning to think I was wrong and was not at the house. Then we heard his voice from downstairs a loud crash and a scream for help. We ran, not caring about the safe distance and the weight thing.  When we reached him he was stuck in the floor up to his chest.

Darren tried to pull him out and for a while it was working.  Put then soddenly Adrian began to sink back.

“Something is holding me”

“Calm down” Eli said

“You must be stuck on something.”

We came in to help pull him out and he insisted that something was holding him.  Three people were struggling to pull one teen out of a hole. I felt it, as we pulled something pulled his body back.  After a while we got him out.  But the whole thing was strange. Maybe because we were tired we didn’t have as much strength as we normally would.  But when Darren shone his flashlight down to get a better look of the caved in floor he called us all over. The basement under the house was full of shoes, a large pile of children’s shoes.  I got a chill again.

“Let’s get out of here, before the whole thing falls on us.” I said.

The walk back to the car was not pleasant either but for different reasons. A pack of cigarettes fell out of Adrian’s pocket after we pulled him out. For a while now he has been sneaking away to smoke in secret. So all the way Eli was lecturing him.  He saw us go into the house, he though were exploring without him and walked in after us. His leg was also hurt so we decided to take him back to the city to see a doctor.

5: Footsteps

Footsteps

Eli took her brother to the hospital in the big city.  We made up some lie about how he tried to do a trick on a skateboard and fell. The leg wasn't broken  but it was a bad sprain. Eli hat to call her mother and tell what happened, the skateboard version, to get money for  hospital bill and medicine.  There were two ways this could go : Eli stayed here to care for Adrian or she took him home. Either way it looked like the trip was over.

I don‘t know why, i just felt so mad. I wanted to break something. I don‘t know why i was so mad, this whole thing was probably my fault. It was my dumb idea to go on this trip. I sat there on the stairs of the hospital, in the hot summer sun feeling cold and shaking with a silent rage. I didn't say anything to anyone, walked to the van, got my stuff and got on the bus. With the remainder of of the money i bought a train ticket back to my town. It was only when i was on the train that i felt calmer. It was only then that i took out my  phone and wrote Eli a text : I‘m going home. After that i switched of my phone.

I don‘t know what possessed me to leave like that and honestly every time i tried to reason with myself i just felt angry again. Why should i have to explain myself to anyone? Even to myself. I‘m going home because i feel like it that‘s that.  A part of me was horrified by this: never in million years would i leave my friends like this. So ,why am I leaving them?  It was too late, the stain left the station. I battled with myself to the last minute to remain in the seat instead of going back to the hospital.

As the sun set and the train got closer to home i began to feel better. I switched on my phone. Ignoring the missed calls and text messages I texted Darcy : Can you sleep over at my place? I‘m coming back tonight.

Mom was at work. She worked on a ship, leaving for weeks at a time. Since i was gone i figured the cat would at grandpas place, my moms dad. It would mean i would be all alone at home. I took years for mom to trust me to be by myself. I had begged her, to let me live with Eli of have her come live with me.She never let me. Dad‘s parents lived too far out anf i needed to go to school. So had several baby sitters, lived with  my moms dad, sometimes with my moms friends or even her friends parents. It wasn't until  one of my aunts that lived abroad called me an orphan that i realize how my situation looked from the outside. Yes, i had both parents, alive and well, yet at the same time i had no parents and i was tossed around from one place to another like that kid nobody wanted. No, i was better off alone.  Whenever i was around strangers i would pretend to be someone else, for my moms sake, i had to preserve her reputation and it always me feel deeply uncomfortable.

Darcy texted back „ ok“

She waited for me at the station. It was still evening and she had gotten of work. We took the bus back to my place, stopping at the store for food. We talked about the trip and her job. I showed her pictures on my phone. I wanted to show what we had filmed but then i remembered we transferred it all into Elis computer and i deleted stuff from my phone.  I told her ow i felt this whole thing was stupid idea.

„You should have told me  outright – this is a stupid idea.“

„I don‘t know. I doesn't seem so bad. You did find a ghost after all. „

Did we? I never once thought about it. All the stuff that happened, was it paranormal? It was scary but my mind just made it out as something logical: the wind, technology malfunctions, old floor, none if it was really ghosts.  But Darcy was right: it wasn't so bad. So why did i leave? I count answer. A sense of dread washed over me, i could not answer no matter how much i tried to look for a reason – that just wasn't one.  It was like i had left hem for no reason.

After we had dinner and went to bed i still couldn't sleep. Something kept me awake. I was still thinking about why i left and not finding a single reason. Because i was sick of it? But really i wasn't. There still many place i wanted to visit. Like that abandoned jail and the orphanage where people say they did experiments on the orphans. I didn't want this trip to end, i knew that much. So why? Why did i leave? Why was i back home in my bed? It  didn't feel right. I wanted write Eli and tell her i‘m sorry but it would just sound stupid if i wrote : I‘m sorry, I don‘t know why  I left.

I finally fell asleep. I was half dreaming, but i thought i heard someone enter my room and walk towards my bed. I was so tired i could not open my eyes or tell them to go away.  The morning came, and Darcy had to leave to work early. I got up to see her off and ended up walking her to work. I spent the whole day walking around town alone. I went to Elis place and waited outside a bit. I couldn‘t see any movement inside so i figured she wasn't back yet.  Then i just walked aimless : the the places we used to play as kids, to he old house where we would climb on the roof, our old school. I ran into Lennie, whose dad worked at the school. We hung out a bit before she need to get back and go home. I walked to granddads place and took the cat back to my place.  The cat was happy to see me, at least i think so. 

That night I went to bed early, felling tired from the long day. The cat stayed with me. Normally i would leave it outside of the room because she would often play at night and jump around and wake me up. I was too tired to move her out of the room. 

I did get woken up that night, but not by the cat. She was still sleeping on my chair curled up in a  ball and snoring. I wasn't sure why i woke up. It was 3 AM. Then I heard it. Footsteps. Outside my door, in the hallway. Heavy, loud. No mistake, they were in the hall. Not some neighbor walking in the flat above me. I didn't move, just listen. I closed my eyes. I stopped. I didn't go to look. I knew there could no possibly be anyone inside. If mother had returned home, first of all she would have let me know, second there is a bell on the door so when it opens it makes a sound, third that hall is dark and no one could walk there without light. I had heard the exact same thing back there in the old factory, but this was not some factory, this was my own home.

When awoke later in the morning i felt exhausted. The cat was meowing for me to let it out. I barely had the energy to open the door. I looked around the hall. Nothing seemed different, no actual footprints on the floor or anything. I began to think it was all in my head.  Cat meowed. I ignored it. Not sure if she wanted to play or for me to pet her. I texted Darcy asking her if she heard anything when she stayed at my place. She replied : „no i didn't“

I went to check on Elis place again. Looking at her appurtenant windows from across the street. I felt a chill behind me. No, there was no person there, no wind either. Just a house. Raynes house.

I had not thought about Rayne for a long time. I had another realization, something else i had never thought about even thought it was so obvious. Ray had died when the three of were fourteen. She  was a friend to both me and Eli. I didn't know her for long, but I thought had all the time to get to know her. She died about six months after i met her. Me and Eli had a fight for good reason. She promised she would take me to her grandparents country house, but i guess she was mad at me so she took Rayne instead. Rayne drowned in lake that day. This was the first time i realized – Eli saw someone die right in front of her. And here I am complaining about how much my life sucks. Here i am running away again. That time i was determined to not apologize, that time i thought i was right. If Eli‘s mom hadn't called me and asked me to come over the two of us probably would even be friends now. It took nothing to break us apart, it took a friend to die to get us back together. The question burned in my mind : so what will it take this time?

 

6: Goodbyes and New Begginings

July 29- August 07

I stayed home for days. Most of the time I felt too tired to leave or do anything. One day I texted Darcy bring myself to text her.  The days just passed by in a daze.  I had left just o, but she said she had plans for her days off work. Eli didn’t call or text me, and I couldn’t nice that week to get food, but I didn’t feel like eating much. So basically, I just sat there staring at the ceiling for a week.  I think it was a week.

It felt like one of those time loops where every day is the same day. Honestly the best part of all this were the dreams. I started having dreams of my grandmother. I know she’s dead, but in my dreams she was alive- like she had just magically stopped being dead and came back to live with us, with me. Moms never there, just like she is in real life. It’s just me, the cat and grandmother. Every time I wake up from those dreams it feels like she is really there, like I will find her in the kitchen making me breakfast or something. But she isn't there’ because she’s dead.

Sometimes I wake up at night and I hear footsteps outside my door. Sometimes I’m too tired to close my door and I wake up to the sound of footsteps and the sight of pitch black darkness outside my ajar door. Sometimes I hear them in my room.

The cat stops and looks up into empty space, but she only does that with people. She meows at the air and walks in semi-circles around the spot like she was rubbing around a person’s legs when she wants something. The cat only this  does with family members and close friends though.  I was scared, deep down , but too tired to do anything about it. It’s been this way since I got back- no matter how long I sleep – I feel tired. Moving from one room to another was about all I can do, without feeling lightheaded.  I figured I might be sick but my doctor is on holiday, and the substitute had a two week long line. I didn’t know any other doctors; have been going to the same one since I was a kid. 

Honestly all I wanted to do was sleep. The dreams felt so much more real than reality. In the dreams I was happy, I had everything I ever wanted: witch apparently consisted of endless sunny days , my grandma making me junk food for breakfast and watching cartoons till lunch and playing video games till midnight  and going for walks by the lake sometimes.

All of those were thing I used to do back when I was a kid, when grandmother was still alive and before I met any friends. My friends weren’t there, they weren’t in the dreams, but the cat was. I had known Eli before grandma died. at the time it never struck me as odd, that my dreams didn’t include her at least.  I was too tired to think about anything for long.

After a week of being stuck in this state , something happened. Something that made me realized that this a lot more than I had initially assumed.  It was just a passing thought as I got out of bed but I had wished I could stay in bed. I had wished I didn’t need to get up every morning, the day was just a waste of time, just sitting there waiting to fall asleep so I could dream. I never asked to wake up, I wanted to keep sleeping forever. I could be happy with my grandmother in those dreams forever.

Later the same day the cat managed to break a vase, at least I think it was the cat. I wasn’t in the room then. I heard a crash. I came in and the cat was puffed up and curved in the “c” shape like when she was scared of something. A vase was broken, but it wasn’t the shards that surprised me, it was what had been in the vase – sleeping pills.  I remembered mother saying she had sleeping problems because her workplace could be noisy at night. We had a special place to keep medicine in the house, so why were these here?

After staring at the box for what felt like minutes I took it and opened it. Inside were two metal sheet with plastic bubbles full of pills. Not a single one had been taken. I put it on the table, got the broom and cleaned up.  Then I remembered that I still haven’t fed the cat and it was almost lunch time.

I open the fridge and for the first time in a while I notice an item that had been there a while. It’s a bottle of red wine, an opened one. If I had opened a bottle of any alcohol we have in the house mom would kill me, she checks those every time. But this one was open and left there.

I could just sleep forever, no more waking up. No more annoying mom that always complains about everything I do. Just me and grandma, in our own perfect little world till the end of time.  I’m not sure how long I stood there just staring the pills while holding the bottle. Finally, I began taking them out of the bubbles, one by one and piling them. Last two were left. Will this be enough? Will I sleep without waking up ever again?

Should I drink them one at a time or all together? Does it matter in the long run?

The doorbell rings. And that moment it felt like something shattered. No, I didn’t drop the bottle. But it felt like reality around had just shattered. Well, more like I had just woken up for the first time in days.  I put the bottle down.

Whoever it was they probably left because I waited too long. But no, there it goes ringing again, and every time it rings I wake up a little more.

I opened the door. It was Eli and Darren.

“Can we talk.” Was all she said.

I became terrified they will see the pills.

“Alright, just not here. I’ll change.”

Since I spend a week without getting out of my pajamas. I probably needed a shower but there wasn’t time for that, was there?

I put on whatever and was out the door in five minutes.   And the moment I left the apartment I felt like something had been lifted from me. I felt alert again, I felt awake.

“I’m sorry” was the first thing I said, still standing on the stairs next to my door.

“ is your brother okay?”

Why had it been so hard to say those words when things were happening? Why was it suddenly so easy to say them now?

“ Adrian’s fine.” She said “ sprain ankle, but nothing too serious.”  

We got some food and sat there on the lawn  in front of my block of flats.  None of my windows faced this way however. But I could still feel it somehow, like an eerie, cold and slimy presence at the back of my neck. Strange way to think of my own home.

“I wanted to show you something” Eli said.

She took out her laptop from her bag pack.

It was a picture of us, the four of us  in one of the abandoned places Only I couldn’t see my own face. It was covered by something like fog, strangely it only covered my face.

“A bad photo?  “

“We thought so too, but the filmed video is the same and we filmed with a different camera.”

She showed me the video, everything is clear until we get to about the same place as we were in the photo. There is something like a mist that passes over my face.  Darren was filming us while walking backwards as I recall.

“Is it like a car light or a flash?” as say after a while.

“We thought so too, so we sent it an expert. It’s real, there is nothing wrong with the footage. It’s not just these either.”

“What you mean?”

“Show her the hospital ones” Darren said.

Eli opened another video.

Darren pauses and zooms in at about the time when Adrian complains something touched him. There is a something in there. Something behind me that looks almost like a person but it’s only a face with no body.                                                

“Is it always me?” I ask.

“Yeah, every time it’s just on you.”

She opens another picture, from the factory and there is a faint white orb on my left in the photo. I think it might be a flashlight but I remember that I had been walking last so all the lights were pointing to the front  and my flashlight is visible at the bottom of the photo  it light’s path visible. No one is walking behind me and the factory had no reflective surfaces in the halls.

“And remember when something would happen, it would right after you said it?”

“It did, didn’t it?” I think about it.

The factory, Adrian vanished, I wish some scary shit happened and then.- footsteps in a dark room.  Hospital – I start thinks it’s all boring and the flashlights go crazy. All this time was all me?

“ I’ve been hearing footsteps outside my room “ I say after a while.

“And you didn’t tell us?”

“No it just  started after I got back home. I mean… I think it did.”

To be honest, now that I give it more thought. Mother would get me for being loud when I get up to go to the bathroom, but I almost never get up to go to bathroom at night. All this time I thought it was the neighbors kids being super loud upstairs, but who lets schools age kids run around this late?

Then there were the electric problems with the lights suddenly turning dim.  Not of just dim, like all the lights are on but their light just isn’t as bright as it usually is.  This would often happen when I was home alone. Sometimes that cat would stare into space like there was something there.  Maybe there was.

How long was it there? I remember a few other photos that didn’t work out. Two years ago a photographers got so mad he couldn’t get my picture because my face was always blurred out in the photo.  I tell this to Eli.

“Remember when the photographer couldn’t get my picture because my face was blurred every time?

“Yeah.” Something flashed in her face. “He was so mad, I thought he would throw his camera.”

 

“ I think this thing isn’t new.” I say. “ I think it’s been here for a while.”

“Do you know who it could be?”

“I think… maybe… my grandmother.” I say after a pause.

“How so?”

“Remember when I said I saw her on the bus?  And I’ve been having dreams about her, like she is alive and here kind dreams. I know it’s been a long time, but I’ve never truly felt like she was gone.”

It was somehow scary to think that my grandmother really was here.

“Do you have any ideas why she’s here?”

“I’ve read that spirits stay sometimes when they are not buried properly. But we buried her  properly.  Or when they have unfinished business like finding their killer  or getting revenge.  But grandma wasn’t murdered, she died of cancer. What unfinished business could she …it’s me. She’s here because of me, because she must have had regrets that she’ll never get to see me grow up.”

I cried. I haven’t cried in a long time. I didn’t even cry when grandma died. looking at the person in the coffin it felt strange, like it was some stranger, like it wasn’t  the grandmother that I had known all this time- it was someone else. It felt like I was the only one who could see it- the body was an impostor. I was ten then. And I believed all the way through the funeral that grandma had just played a joke, that she ran away for a while and she will be back soon. But never did, or so I thought until now.

“ What will you do?”

“I don’t know. To think that she was here the whole time…. I thought she had gone to, you know heaven or where ever you go after life. But all this time instead of eternal rest she had been watching over me. it just feel wrong somehow. You know, like after death you should be at peace, got to happy place. I feel like I robbed her of that by being selfish and just refusing to let go of her. I want her to know peace, I want her to go.”

 

I had to say those words, more for myself than anything.  I felt like I might offend Eli because her grandmother passed away couple years back and then there was Rayne. We’ve all lost people or person we loved; only mine came back.

I stay at Eli’s place for the night. Strangely her mom isn’t mad at me. After that incident few years back I had stopped coming over because I was scared of her mother.  It was strange that she acted like none of it ever happened. 

 

I didn’t say anything to mom. I won’t talk much about how I met Remy, that could be a book on it’s own. I had made the decision on starting a new life. I had applied to collage outside of my comfort zone and chose the same town all my friends had. I realized why I had been scared of leaving home so much. My mom told me she wanted to leave too, but grandmother had scared her into thinking that she would not make it one own. Why? Because she was scared mom would leave home and leave her like most of her friends kids did.  These fears were not mine. As I recall grandmother was so very afraid of so many things.

I realized why it was so hard for me to say and do what I want to do. I’m not placing the blame or making excuses.  Why would I do the opposite of what I wanted to? Why did I leave my friends and go home? Because grandmother was afraid I would leave her for my friends. Because she afraid that she will die alone and it so happened that we left to get grandpa so he could say goodbye to her in the hospital but when we came back it was too late- she was gone. She died alone just as she feared. Now she feared I would leave her. She did everything in her power to keep me. Scare away my friends, make tired, make want to die so could be wither forever just because she loved me so much. 

I never agreed with the statement “you hurt the ones you love.” Until today. Now I understand.  And I want to tell her somehow that I’m not abandoning her, that I’m not throwing her away. I want her to know peace because I loved her.

Remy opens the door to the small two room apartment. It smells like flowers and incense. The walls are peach colored. It’s cozy, relaxing. He tells me to lay down the sofa. I close my eyes.

Remy is nice old man, not super old just around fifty maybe.. he has white hair, and it’s long.  He is one of those people who do things with crystals and talismans and dream catchers and well you get the picture.

 It is an experience.  One that cannot be described by words, well not easily.

I feel alive, for the first time in a long time. I feel happy, I am with my friends and the feeling of everything being fake isn’t there anymore. I can genuinely enjoy very moment of my life and not feel bad about it. I can say what I feel and do what I want when I want and my actions and words  no longer contradict eachtoher. The feelings of fear that my friends are going to leave me, that no one loves me – they are gone. I guess these fears weren’t truly mine to begin with. No they are gone to a better place.

 

We finished settling into our dorm rooms. Sitting on the hill and watching city in the light of the setting sun. Eli looks at me:

“Why do you think She never came back?”

I know she is talking about Rayne.

“ I think it’s because she didn’t blame you. She knew you did all you could to help her but in the end there was nothing you could do. I think she realized it and she didn’t blame you for it.”

“I tried to stop cars for help and call for rescue. There weren’t any cars for a long time”

“I’m sorry” is all I can say.

Another horrible realization has hit me after the fact. I was so possessive of Eli back when we first met and became friends. I didn’t  know how to share or let go. I wanted it to just be Eli and me for forever. We don’t need other people was what I thought. Back when Rayne drowned, my grandma had already been dead.

We don’t need other people. I want just Eli.  Grandma did what I wanted in the abandoned places , what if she did other time when I didn’t know she was there.? What if she dragged Rayne under because I said I don’t need other people? What I had indirectly caused her to die.

Not once had I thought of Rayne as other people. I wanted her to my friend. I admired her . The only person who wasn’t Eli whom I wanted to spent all my time with. But only met a hand full of times and she was gone before we could become friends properly.  I didn’t want her gone. But isn’t always those wished that you wish you didn’t make that come true? Like the whole be careful what you wish for because you just might get it thing.

I can’t be certain about this, but I’m certain of one thing- everyone is haunted. Not always by actual ghosts of the dead, no. the memories, the what if’s, the endless possibilities of what could have gone different.  We all have someone we lost, we all have skeletons in our closets. We are the same, each one of us with their own personal tragedy. We are all suffering and believing that we are alone in our suffering. But that couldn’t be further from the truth.

We all believe that no one else can understand us, that’s why we don’t even try to be understood. But if we take this risk of opening up to others we see that they the same. No one is truly alone in their suffering.