Sparkatale

Loving the story here, gryphons are awesome creatures who truly don't get as much attention as they should. .The culture you've developed for these gryphons is quite interesting, especially the Sacred Emotes and Philia. I look forward to reading more of this as you add on. And IF you're interesting in reading other stories featuring gryphons, may I suggest my own, Changing Winds? It features more primitive gryphons (more like animals) but it also has its own cultures and rules to live by.

Anyone, thank you very much for your story!

Hello, I hope you don't mind me leaving a bit of constructive criticism, but I read this chapter and thought it polite to leave a comment. :)

The pacing is quick, which is a good thing (at least to me), and the tone kept light, but I feel you should work on creating some atmosphere so the reader can get a clear sense of being "inside" the story. Maybe describe the decorations or mood of the party? The setting is overall pretty vague, where the Main Character (MS) just happens to be standing around in some unknown person's house (she must have been invited to the party by someone, surely? We could use a little background detail on this aspect).

To be honest, the whole idea of the MC being surrounded by better-looking and/or snooty girls is somewhat cliche, though not entirely unexpected in teen fiction. I'm not quite sure why the girls nicknamed her "dragon" or "ronald"? I get that kids pick on each other, but the name-calling terms seem out of place to me.

aaand speaking of out of place, there are a few instances where the wording is a bit strong or misplaced for the situation: '"Waiting on a friend?" she asked profoundly,"' or "we'll have to close the wound," she pouted." The word profound isn't generally used when someone is only talking casually, and pout is a word to describe childish behavior when someone (usually a girl) doesn't get her way. It really doesn't fit in with the current mood of the story, in which they're reacting to one of their pals getting mauled by something under strange circumstances. "Bodacious" may not fit either, not necessarily because it doesn't describe her so much as the word is kind of dated. It's an 80's, early 90's sort of word. I chuckled a bit when I saw it. =P

You refer to Roy as "Rory" a few times, which got me confused the first time I came across it.

The only other thing I have to add is that sometimes you switch narrator POVs, which is inconsistent. If it's from Alicia's POV it should stay that way for the chapter, and if you need to gain insight from other characters try to do it in such a way that it's because Alicia notices how they react. Take this example:

"...smiled at her, knowing a girl's awkward political mindset when it comes to this kind of a matter." <---This is clearly from Roy's POV. To make it consistent with still being Alicia's POV, you could say instead:

"He smiled slightly as he said this, making Alicia wonder if she wasn't as good at hiding her jealousy as she thought" <-- this statement implies Ron is well aware of how ladies can get competitive with each other and is smiling to show he understands, but it's from Alicia's perception that we're reading, so it flows better and fits with the rest of the narration.

I think that's all I have to suggest. They are only suggestions, so if you think it's worthless feel free to disregard. ;) Thank you for sharing your story.

Hello, I'm not particularly good at reviewing but since I read your story (at least this part) I thought it only polite to write my thoughts about it. So here goes:

The very fact that I read through to the end of the chapter is indication enough to me that your story shows promise; I'm not saying I'm a super-picky reader, but dull plots and uninteresting storylines don't get my attention, and I'm glad that you have neither ;)

That being said, however, I'm afraid the story tends to drag out, sometimes with unnecessary detail and other times with redundant detail (the constant reference to the MC's "cold eyes/stare/glare do get a bit tiring after awhile). The first part of the prologue starts off with a lot of information, for instance. People these days generally favor chapters that start with some sort of action sequence, but being bogged down with history or current event details right off tends to make the reader lose interest. Perhaps you can spread all the details out as situations involving them arise?

The issue with Antonious' plans for Marco is a bit confusing. In early paragraphs Antonious inwardly says that neither his son nor his wife has any idea Antonious has a plan for Marco, but this is later contradicted when Marco mentions Antonious is always alluding to a "secret mission" Marco should be focusing on. (that part is also confusing; how is Marco to focus on something he has no information on? If Antonious hasn't told his son about it why mention "the mission" at all?)

I noticed that you describe Andres AFTER Antonious dismisses him. Once a character leaves the scene it really isn't traditional to continue writing about him, because a character that is out of sight isn't supposed to be focused on any longer, at least not directly after he leaves. I recommend switching the paragraphs to have Andres' description and THEN dismiss him.

The dream sequence is interesting, but Marco's realization that he is supposed to be Kazan seems pretty abrupt and out of the blue, since there is no indication to the reader that Marco should be anyone but himself. Maybe when Tameel speaks to him you can have him call him the name Kazan? Or perhaps have Marco look down at his own arms and legs to notice the difference in body and dress style? I feel incorporating these elements will make the transition of the idea of a switched identify smoother and more natural, since there are clues left around.

The only other thing I have to suggest is to focus a little more on imagery and visual appeal. Most of the time you restrict the use of descriptive imagery to characters (although the beginning was decent enough) and leave little else for us to immerse ourselves in to the story with. When I read your story I can "see" the main two characters, Antonious and Marco, but almost nothing else, which is a shame because I think a little rich detail to the setting here and there can really add to your story.

That's all I have to say. Sorry if it's too long, just remember these are only my thoughts and suggestions. If you are comfortable with how your story is that's the most important thing. :)