It was clothing to mourn in, not to comfort.  The heels the girl wore were sky high, placing her blonde hair high above most all of the guests present in the parlor.  Despite the room being dimmed she wore oversized sunglasses that she hid behind.  Her skirt was tight and tapered at the knee, making it impossible to take any form of a long stride.  What she hid behind those large sunglasses were her clear eyes.  She hadn’t cried yet and she wasn’t sure if she was going to.

                The room was filled with light chatter, even the occasional laugh.  Most everyone was off in their own little groups but the blonde stood by herself, staring at the collage of photographs of a man she barely knew, an acquaintance really.  Who she was really here for didn’t compare in appearance to her she thought almost snidely.  She bit back her rude thoughts and tore her gaze away from the photos of the young man, searching the room for a red faced and sickly woman. 

                She was harder to spot than she had hoped and after scanning the room she huffed and skirted past two larger women and into the hall.  The sickly woman wasn’t who she was looking for; she would simply reveal the location of the person on her mind.  “You never came for game night,” she heard behind her.  She felt a pit of guilt in her stomach for not having cried when she turned and saw the smile on the woman’s face.

 It was the bereaved mother.  Her wispy hair was pulled away from her face, it had grayed substantially from the last time she had seen her.  It truly was a shame that she was ailing.  Her sicknesses had eaten at her beauty over the years.  Her skin had grown thin and seemed yellowed.  Her eyes were red from her crying and it gave an odd glow to her face.  “I wish that I had made time for it,” the blonde replied, her mouth curved into a regretful frown. 

It was an attractive frown, the curves of her full lips accented by the red of the lipstick she wore.  The color seemed wrong with the bleakness that the weather had brought in.  The mother nodded and told her where she could find her friend, in the small closet-like room which housed the coffee pots.  The floor was linoleum and scuffed, chairs lined the walls and a frumpily dressed woman stood at the counter, listening to the percolation. 

“Hey.”  The woman turned around, her face red from crying but she still attempted a smile.  “I’m surprised you came.”  “Why wouldn’t I?  You’re my best friend, Florence, I’m supporting you.”  It was a dumb question of her to ask.  Everyone that knew her at this funeral didn’t expect to see her here.  “Bad memories,” was the woman’s response as she slid a coffee mug across the counter.  “Want a cup, Emily?”

“No, thank you,” Emily replied politely, as she had been raised, before sitting in one of the folding chairs that sat against the wall.  “So how are you supposed to hug me and keep me from falling all over the place in that get-up?”  That was so like her, to make light of a situation.  To the blonde it seemed like she was trying too hard, she had been for almost a year.  “Sorry.”  The blonde took to staring at her nails while her best friend made herself a cup of coffee.

An unusual amount of chatter for a funeral home could be heard from the entrance, moving towards the small coffee closet.  “Hey- I can’t believe you’re here,” the one voice said, originally greeting Florence who was sipping her coffee only to see Emily.  “I could say the same to you,” the blonde replied, looking up at her friends in the doorway.  She felt her eyes tear up and she pressed her lips together tightly.  She hadn’t seen his brother in such a long time, purposely avoiding him for her own sake.  “I haven’t seen you in so long, you’ve lost weight,” he commented, nudging the man that stood next to him.

“I hadn’t noticed,” the blonde replied with a small fake smile before pointing at the mug of steaming coffee in her best friend’s hands.  “Fresh coffee?”  The two boys nodded, the brother making the first move to grab a mug.  ‘That’s right,’ the seated girl thought smugly, glad that the topic hadn’t been pushed.

Whenever this group got together they always seemed to turn the attention to her and she was tired of it.  Today certainly wasn’t a day for the attention to be on her, she wasn’t anything, she wasn’t the one that was dead.  Her friends would argue that of course, saying that she wasn’t who she used to be.  The other three in the room filled it with idle chit chat, sipping their coffee and sending glances at their friend.

Emily stood, announcing that she’d be back after she went to the bathroom, her steps small from the tight skirt.  Once she was out of the room, the door shut behind her the three looked around at each other and sighed.  “She still isn’t any better.  I thought giving her some space after he died that she’d get better,” the brother said, tears welling up in his eyes.  Florence nodded and set the three empty mugs in the small sink.

“She’s been losing weight since he died, she doesn’t eat much of anything and when she does she throws it up when she drinks.”  “We need to step in and say something to her,” the other man finally spoke, pushing his dark hair out of his face.  “Once he’s in the ground,” the red-headed woman replied, ending the conversation.

_ _ _

A large group of black-clad persons stood around the casket that was about to descend into the earth, listening to the religious person that was speaking.  Despite the young man that was being buried not being religious in any form, his mother had insisted upon it.  The blonde stood near her friends, the heels of her shoes sinking into the ground ever so slightly if she applied any pressure to the back of her feet.  She held onto Matt’s arm, keeping the weight on the balls of her feet.

The speaker mentioned for the last time about the dead acquaintance’s life-long illness before ending the speech.  Soon most everyone started walking away, leaving the mother and the blonde’s group of friends to watch the casket be lowered the six feet.

“We’re going to get something to eat,” Florence told the mother.  “I’d love for you to come with us.”  The mother shook her head but smiled.  “Thank you for the invitation but I’m going to go home now.”  “Okay, but call me if you need anything.”  “I will.”  Soon the four were piling into the blonde’s car, Leo taking the wheel. 

It was nearly dark out by the time they reached the restaurant, the clouds trying their best to cover up what little light of the sky was left.  “I’m tired,” the blonde thoughtlessly complained.  “You’re probably just hungry,” Matt said with a short laugh, pushing his hair out of his face again.  Emily ignored his comment and remained silent as the group entered the restaurant.

They were seated and had drinks ordered rather quickly, the hostess having known where they had come from.  Emily had taken the seat next to Leo so she wouldn’t have to look at him and stared down at the nice looking table.  The restaurant was dark, low hanging lights lit up the table and the guests’ faces.  “So, Emily, what have you been up to?” Matt asked her after taking a sip of his soda. 

“Work.” “Nothing else??” Leo asked from beside her.  Emily ground her teeth before giving them the response they all knew was true.  “I get up every morning, go to work and then I come home and drink.”  “You have to stop,” Florence told her strictly, like a parent.  ‘How funny, I used to act like their mother and now I’m being scolded like a child,’ Emily thought.  “Look, I don’t tell you how to live your life; I just want a quiet evening where you guys don’t tell me that I’m dead.”

After that Matthew, Florence and Leo took over the conversation, keeping it light and away from the category of an intervention.  Emily stayed quiet, eating all of her food like the good little girl she used to be.  She drank water all evening, wishing it was vodka.  They made plans to meet next week, knowing that Emily would find a way to break them.

_ _ _

“How did the funeral go, Florence?” the cross-legged man asked from his seat.  “It went fine.  I didn’t cry that much.”  “You don’t sound upset by this, why is that?”  “None of us were surprised that he died, he’d been sick his whole life, we knew this was coming.”  “And did your friend show up?”  “Emily?  She did actually.”  “I take it you are surprised by this.”  “Well, yeah, everyone I spoke to at the funeral that knows her was surprised to see her there.”  “Why is that, you never explained it to me,” the therapist told her, encouraging her to speak.

“The love of her life died in a car accident almost a year ago,” Florence told him, sounding like she had said this too many times before.  “Some drunken bastard nailed his car when he left Emily’s to go break up with his girlfriend.”  “Why was he going to break up with his girlfriend?”  “Emily says it was because he loved her and was finally choosing the right girl, but I think it was just because she was pregnant.”  “So I assume something happened that ended the pregnancy by your use of the word ‘was’.”  “The stress of his death made her miscarry.  I’m really concerned about her, all she does anymore is drink and work.”  “I think you should have her come in to talk to me Florence, she sounds like she needs a little guidance.” 

_ _ _

“What the fuck Lola!” Emily yelled as she was pulled out of her house.  “I want you to do something for me, no questions asked.”  “I’m not taking you grocery shopping, I thought your roommate did the shopping.”  “I’m being serious, Em.  Just give me a yes or no.”  Emily stared at her friend, looked into her eyes and sighed.  “Fine, whatever it is I’ll do it.  I’m sure I’ll regret it later though.”  “Okay, sweet, let’s go.”  “Let me put some actual clothes on, alright?”  “I guess I could let you do that.  Jeans and a t-shirt will be fine.”

About half an hour later Emily was glaring at Lola in the therapist’s office.  “I can’t believe this is what you wanted me to do.”  “You need it; I’ll be in the waiting room.”  The room was brightly lit and the doctor stood near her, his hand outstretched to shake.  “I’m Dr. John Sorvino.  It’s nice to meet you.”  Emily shook his hand and sighed.  “Emily.”  “Please take a seat, Emily.”  “So what did she tell you about me?”  “I can’t say.  Doctor-patient confidentiality.  You make it clear that you don’t want to be here, why is that?”  “Because nothing you say is going to help me.”

“That hurts my feelings, Emily,” Dr. Sorvino said, placing a hand to his chest.  Emily rolled her eyes at his humor and leaned back in the chair.  “I’m never going to be anything like the woman I was before Andrew died.  It’s hard enough to wake up every morning knowing that he’s never going to come back but then when I force myself to see my friends all they do is miss the old me and try to bring me back.”  “Bring you back?”  “The old me, they say I’m dead now.”  “Do you feel dead?”  “That’s a strange question to ask, Doctor.  What does it feel like to be dead?”

“That’s a good point, Emily.”  Emily nodded but stayed silent.  “So why don’t you tell me what happened, I’m curious.”  Emily knew this was just a ploy to give her some sort of advice but she gave in.  “One night Andrew was over and I could tell that something was off, he told me that he felt guilty that he was keeping me in the dark while he could go out with his girlfriend.  I had been his; I don’t know what to call it, his lover, his mistress?  No, that’s not right, he wasn’t married to her,” Emily sighed, looking down at her hands.

“Go on.”  “I knew it was bad timing but I told him that I was pregnant and he got quiet.  Once he spoke again he said he was going to go break up with his girlfriend, that he loved me and he would come right back and we’d figure it all out.  When he didn’t come back after two hours I figured he just wasn’t going to come back, that he had lied and had chosen her over me.”  “Did he ever make it to his girlfriend’s?”  “No, he was on his way there when the car hit him head-on.  So to this day I don’t know if he was actually going to tell her; if he really loved me or if he was lying to appease me.  She still doesn’t know that the entire time they were together he was cheating on her with me.”

“You never told her?”  “I think about going over there every day to tell her, but what good would that do anyone?  Why make her feel horrible when she can’t have him anymore either?”  “How thoughtful of you, Emily.  I know that most of my patients over the years would have told them just so they weren’t the only ones suffering.”  “I’ve always been the suffer-in-silence type.  He cared about her, loved her – probably more than he ever loved me- and I don’t want to hurt someone he cared about so much.” 

“What happened to the baby?”  “I was almost two months at his funeral.  I started bleeding and – “she stopped, tears falling.  “His girlfriend was the first one to come over to me, she held my h-hand until the a-ambulance came and they m-made me leave his funeral.  While he was being put in the ground I was in the hospital, trying to save the only thing I had left.”  She was nearly shouting, tears streaming down her face, catching on the collar of her t-shirt.  Dr. Sorvino grabbed the box of tissues and placed it in her hands.  She grabbed a few and wiped the snot from under her nose and wiped at her eyes.

“No one ever asked who the father was?”  “No one ever asked me, all my friends figured it out.  They knew I wasn’t involved with anyone else, that I could never love anyone else.”  “This was all rather recent, I believe more time is in order for you to get back to what you once were, well, as close as possible to that.”  “The future isn’t something I think about anymore.  I wake up every morning just wishing that he was asleep next to me or in the baby’s room rocking him back to sleep.”

“Even if Andrew would have chosen her over me for the last time, I’d still have my baby; I’d have a child that I could devote myself to.  It isn’t fair and I’m never getting over it.  I don’t want to be the naïve girl that thought nothing bad could ever happen to her.”  Her face was cold now and stern.  There wasn’t much light left in her blue eyes, the good doctor could tell why her friends said she seemed dead.

“I’m done with this,” Emily said abruptly, standing and shaking the Doctor’s hand before heading towards the door.  “Thanks for your time Doctor.”  Emily met Lola in the waiting room and motioned for her to follow her.  Emily leaned against the passenger side of Lola’s car, her arms crossed under her chest.  The worst part, Emily had decided, about not eating and losing weight was not having such large breasts anymore.  “So did you make an appointment to come back?”  “Just take me home, Florence.”

Lola listened to her, driving with a frown.  Emily got out of the car, not looking back and walked up the path to the small house she rented.  She slammed the door behind her, locking it and punching the solid frame.  Lola turned the car off and sent a mass-text to Matthew and Leo.  She heard screaming inside, shrill and from the throat.  She could imagine from the sound of it how it would tear at the throat and she got out of the car, pocketing the keys. 

“Emily!” the red-head yelled, pounding on the door.  The door pulled open harshly and Emily started screaming at her.  “What?!  What do you want from me now!?  I don’t have anything to give you, I don’t have anything left!”  Her face was red from crying and screaming, her hair looked like it had been pulled in all different directions.  “I just want you to feel better,” she replied.

“You’re fucking stupid!  I’m not going to feel better,” Emily yelled, walking further into her house, not bothering with the door.  She moved quickly and Lola followed but the blonde was already pulling all the plates from cabinets and smashing them on the ground.  “Emily! Stop!”  “Fuck you, Lola!”  “You’re just upset, you need to calm down!  Your neighbors will call the cops!”  “I don’t give a fuck!  Let them call the cops!  I’ll pick up some knives and let them shoot me down!”

“Emily!” she heard yelled at her from the door.  She froze when she saw him.  For a split second it wasn’t Leo that stood in the doorway but Andrew.  He was gone too soon, replaced by reality.  “Go away Leo.”  “No, you’ve been avoiding me since he died, avoiding everyone.  We can help you if you let us!”  He had moved so quickly that she didn’t know when he had grabbed her shoulders, yelling in her face.  She closed her eyes and tried to block out what he was saying.  “God damn it Emily!  Pay attention!  It’s for your own good!”  She opened her eyes and stared him down, despite the significant amount of inches he had on her.  “Get off of me.” 

“No,” he told her, tightening his grip on her.  “Please,” she broke, her eyes welling with tears, trying to pull away with all her might.  “I miss him and you’re too much like him and I can never have him back.”  He let go slowly and she slid to the floor, leaning against the counter, resting on pieces of broken plates.  She wrapped her skinny arms around her knees and rested her forehead on her forearms, crying.

Leo turned back and looked at Lola and Matt.  They both looked incredibly sad, their faces contorted into deep frowns like he felt his was.  They all missed Andrew in their own way, Leo and Matt more than Lola and Emily more than all of them.  Leo and Matt did things that reminded them of Andrew, reliving the old memories, both the good and the bad. Emily couldn’t.

“I should have gone with him that night; I shouldn’t have let him go alone,” Emily sobbed out, digging her nails into her legs.  “Then you would both be dead, Em,” Matt told her.  “That would be so much better than living without him, without our baby, not knowing if he loved me or not,” she sobbed.  She felt her stomach turn and she moved as quickly as she could and vomited in her kitchen sink. 

“It’s not fair for you to be suffering this alone, Emily.  You need to tell us how you feel, we’ll help you.”  “Nothing is going to help.  These feelings aren’t going to go away.  I love him! I’m never going to love anybody again!  Even if I could I wouldn’t let myself because this is the second worst feeling I’ve ever had!”  “I know, sweetie,” Lola replied softly, handing her a towel to wipe the vomit off her mouth, holding back her own tears.

“You don’t know, you have no fucking idea, Lola.  None of you do.  I’ve loved him since I was fourteen years old; I’ve never stopped loving him for a moment.  He never chose me, not once, over anything.  I gave him everything I ever had because I wanted him to be happy, I wanted to give him everything he ever wanted!  All I’ve ever wanted was to have a family with him!”  She made everyone tear up and wipe at their eyes.

“I’ll never get to see our child grow up; I’ll never know if it would have been a boy or a girl.  I’m always going to be in this spot, I’ll never be a mother!  I just want the rest of my life back!  I want to live and be loved and feel like there is something to live for!  Everything is so hopeless.”

“You can still move past this Emily, you have the rest of your life.  You just have to want to live it,” Matt told her sternly.  Emily glared at him and wiped at her eyes.  “Shut the fuck up, Matt, you sound just like him.  Always fucking telling me that I don’t want it enough, I wonder if he ever realized that you could want something with every fiber of your being and that doesn’t mean a God Damn THING!  I wonder if he can fucking hear me now.”  Emily scoffed and stared up at the ceiling, yelling to the heavens.

“Do I not want you or my baby enough Andrew!?  You’re both DEAD!  I can’t have you!  I can NEVER bring either of you back!  You got your fucking wish, you don’t have to see me anymore and you don’t have any responsibilities!  You don’t have to worry about hurting my feelings or hiding what we’ve done together for the past four years behind that cunt’s back!” She was smashing things again, pushing anything she could find off the counter.  Leo caught her arm before she could punch the kitchen window out and he pulled her tightly against his chest.

There was a knock at the door, a firm one and Lola and Matt quickly moved to the front door while Leo rubbed Emily’s back as she sobbed into his chest.  “What’s the problem?” the officer asked informally to Matt and Lola.  Matthew hid his grimace and let out a nervous laugh.  “Emily is just having a really rough day, sir.”  The officer nodded and frowned.  “Carol hasn’t had one of those in quite some time; I guess she handles stress a bit better.”  Lola narrowed her eyes at the cop she knew to be the father of the girl Emily had just called a cunt.

“Carol must not have cared that much about him if she isn’t still upset.”  “I don’t like how you said that, Miss,” the cop replied.  “Well, I don’t like how you made it seem like she’s a flake that can’t handle stress.  Emily’s stress is a lot worse from his death than Carol’s is.”  “My daughter lost her boyfriend of four years, Emily lost her friend.”  “Emily was a lot more than his friend! –“Matthew cut her off and pushed her back and smiled at Carol’s father.  “We’re sorry sir, just a lot of emotions going on.  We’re sorry you got called out here for nothing.  We’ve got things under control now.”

Carol’s father nodded and Matt could see the suspicion in his eyes.  “Hopefully the next time I see you it won’t be from a situation like this.  Keep her quiet.” 

_ _ _

“So the cops were called?” Emily asked towards the ceiling, her eyes having a cold press to keep the swelling down on her eyelids.  “Yup,” Matt answered with a small laugh.  “I got rid of him though.”  “Are you sure you’ll be fine if we leave?” Lola asked, cutting through the bullshit conversation they were having.  “Yes, I’m fine now; I feel a little bit better right now.  Besides, I want to be alone, I feel foolish for freaking out.” 

About an hour later there was a knock on the door and Emily frowned.  She moved quickly, wanting to bitch at her friends for coming back.  “Look, I told you guys I would be –“she stopped when it wasn’t Lola or Matt of Leo but Carol.  “Carol?”  “Why wouldn’t you be friends with me, Emily?”  “W-what?”  “When Andrew and I first started dating, about a month or so in I told Matt that I wanted to be friends with you.  I invited you to parties and outings and over to my house and you never came.”

“I couldn’t,” Emily replied with a nervous expression.  “I thought that at the funeral, maybe then you’d be my friend, that we could comfort each other.”  “No, no, that could never have happened, it still can’t,” Emily said as calmly as she could.  “Why are you here?”  “My father was the responding officer earlier and Lola said something to him, she said that you were more than Andrew’s friend.  What did she mean?”

“I don’t know what she meant, she probably got defensive over me about something, I was distressed and she says weird things.”  “You’re avoiding eye contact, Emily.  Just please tell me, I’ve always had this weird feeling.”  Emily sighed and motioned for the girl to come in.  She closed the door behind her and led her to the sofa.  “When you met Andrew you knew that we had been involved.  I don’t know if you knew that I was in love with him or not, but I was, I still am.  I don’t want to tell you this.  I think it will just hurt you and make you unhappy and he cared about you so much and I don’t want to hurt you.”

Carol took a deep breath and told Emily to just say it.  “When I started bleeding at the funeral and you called the ambulance, I was having a miscarriage.  It was Andrew’s.”  “What?”  “Andrew was cheating on you, with me.  That’s why we could never be friends, actually, it was because I was in love with him, not because he was cheating on you with me.”  “Why are you saying this, Andrew loved me, I knew he cheated at the beginning, but he just kissed that girl, and just once.”

“And after he did that he came back to me and we started where we had left off before you came into the picture,” Emily stated, sounding bitter.  “No,” Carol said, shaking her head as she got off the sofa.  “Oh, yes, Carol.  I would blow him before he went over to your house and when he came back to me at night he slept in my bed.”  “You’re being cruel, Emily.”  “All I have left in me is mean, Carol.  That’s why I never wanted to tell you, because I knew I wouldn’t do it nicely, I wouldn’t cushion it for you.”

She could see the hate in Carol’s eyes and it made her sick.  Tears welled in her eyes.  “I’m so sorry, you deserved better, and so did I.  I should have stopped it, it should have never started.  I wouldn’t if I could go back though, he was mine and you took him and I know he wasn’t something to be fought over or itemized but I’ve loved him for so long.” 

Carol stared at the girl in front of her and couldn’t help but feel sorry for her.  “I’m sorry that he didn’t love you.”  With that final statement Carol left, her dark and long hair flowing behind her.  She left Emily to fall and cry over everything she would never have.  Emily rocked back and forth, rubbing her arms up and down as she paced in the living room of her small home. 

“There isn’t anything left,” Emily cried, nearly breathless as she moved to her bedroom, pulling open a notebook and writing as neatly as she could, keeping the tears off the page so it didn’t smudge the ink.

_ _ _

“She isn’t answering her phone, I think we should go over there,” Lola told the boys, her voice filled with worry.  Matthew was the first to agree and they all quickly piled into the car and drove over to Emily’s small house.  The outside was neat, the grass trim, and the neighborhood was silent.  Lola made it to the door first, knocking and then trying the knob.  The door opened, revealing the dark hall and living room.  “Emily!?”  “Carol texted me last night and asked me when I found out that Andrew was cheating on her,” Matt told them as they moved through the house to her bedroom.  “Why didn’t you tell us that immediately!?” Lola yelled at him, pushing open the door to Emily’s bedroom.

Leo pushed past Lola and grabbed Emily’s shoulders, shaking her frantically.  She was ice cold and he started yelling at her, telling her to wait, that they’d save her.  It was no use though; the blonde girl they loved was dead.  They called an ambulance, hoping fruitlessly that it wasn’t too late.  Carol’s father returned home that day with a black eye.  Lola and Matt went home feeling an inextinguishable guilt and Leo was still in shock.  “Serves her right,” Carol had told her father when she heard the news, though that wasn’t how she truly felt.  She felt guilty for lying to the girl.

Emily was buried a few days later in her mourning shoes.